Lost and Damned
by danniperson
Summary: During training his fifth year, Harry is horrified to learn that he is not only gay, but strongly attracted to his most hated professor. The development of a very unlikely relationship in the middle of a war. Takes place books 5-7
1. There's a Way From it All

**LOST AND DAMNED**

**Part One**

_There's a Way From It All_

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Had it really come to this? Were they really this desperate?

Yes. They apparently were.

The Room of Requirement had become something special for them. A simple, yet comfortable room, with bookshelves and a fireplace and comfortable couches and a fluffy rug and a large, king sized bed right in the middle. Everything but this randomly placed bed made Harry think of the Gryffindor common room or the living room at Grimmauld Place…Something old and elegant, yet comfortable and peaceful. This bed had a very special purpose, though, as Hermione Granger and Harry Potter were demonstrating.

Harry was lying diagonally on the bed while Hermione straddled him, pressing her lips deeply into his. Her hips rubbed desperately into his and Harry moaned, grasping her hips and sliding his hands over to squeeze her arse as he pressed his hips back up against hers, his erection gladly springing to life at the contact. Maybe he was making out with a girl, but it was hardly because of desire…Only the contact and gentle probing sprung his member to attention. Hermione smiled against his lips and only pulled away long enough to grasp her shirt and pull it over her head, aiding Harry in removing his own shirt.

It was a shameful secret shared between two friends, an awful and guilt-ridden affair that had started the summer before. It seemed so weak of them, so petty to give in to such horrible ideas, but they had and since they already had, they let that be the excuse for every time since. Both were emotional messes in dire need of distractions and they had found solace in one another. They felt awful about it the first few times…Feeling horrible for using one another. But after an awkward conversation about their fooling around, they decided it was for the best. That didn't make those dirty, rotten feelings disappear entirely, but that was the price to be paid for the only means of distraction either of them could find. Even if they no longer had to worry about hurting one another, there was still some guilt to be had in using your closest friends in such a way.

Ginny had told Hermione at the beginning of summer that Ron liked her, but when Ron started dating Susan Bones, Hermione was left devastated. She was still incredibly angry with Ron (though Ron to this day had no idea why) and jealous of Susan and frustrated with herself for letting it get to her so much. Part of Hermione hoped that doing something with someone else would get rid of her pesky feelings for Ron, though that hadn't been the case so far. The other part of her merely wanted to forget about it and feel some sense of petty pleasure, calling this her little revenge on Ronald…If only he knew. Hermione liked to imagine Ron would catch them one day and be incredibly jealous and angry and leave Susan and realize he cared for her. It was her deepest secret, one that she had shared with Harry when they confessed their reasoning for carrying on with this and conversations that sometimes sprung up before or after they decided to mess around.

Harry's issues were a bit more complicated. He partially enjoyed doing it to get Ginny off of his back. She had a feeling she was dating Dean to make him jealous, because they started dating right after Ginny caught them together at a room at Grimmauld Place over summer break. Another part of him wanted some relief from all of the issues that had taken place the past few years, especially last year with Voldemort and Cedric Diggory dying…Later on it became more necessary when Dumbledore insisted he take on extra lessons midway through the summer…Defense lessons and anything else Dumbledore thought was necessary for Harry to learn. It was more important than ever now as Harry tried to distract himself from himself, though he wasn't entirely sure why, at the moment. There was something deep down he didn't want to think about, didn't want to face, and hiding out in the Room of Requirement in this bed with Hermione was all the distraction he needed.

One hand remained on her arse while the other moved around her hip and up her stomach up to her breast, cupping it gently and squeezing it firmly after a moment, eliciting a loud moan from Hermione who pressed her hips more into his and grew more intense with her kissing. Harry threw all of himself into touching and kissing Hermione…She seemed to enjoy it a lot and it kept his mind off of other things. It didn't matter that he wasn't truly attracted to Hermione. It wasn't that she wasn't good-looking, only that he didn't really desire her. Luckily the body reacted to touch very well, even if it was from someone you didn't have any real interest in. She was well aware of his erection pressed against her and Harry was very well aware of the fact that she was grinding wonderfully against his hardness.

He felt Hermione tense against him for a moment and Harry froze, hesitantly moving his hands off of her as Hermione sat up and slid down his legs a bit, biting her lip as she looked down at her hands that were currently resting on his bare chest. He watched her in concern and confusion for a moment, trying to figure out what was wrong before her hands slowly began sliding down, tugging at the button of his jeans and then at the zipper while she leaned back down, kissing his neck and down his chest as she pulled at his jeans. Was she really about to…? And was he really going to let her? Harry's heart was pounding in his chest while he struggled to clear his mind enough to make a good decision. They had come this far already…Perhaps it was a bit late to try to find some moral code, but thus far they had only done a bit of touching and groping and grinding and the most naked they had gotten was taking off their shirts. The only real release ever found was by their grinding against each other, mostly clothed. They had never gone further than that, but tonight, Hermione seemed to be willing to try something new and Harry didn't think he had the heart to stop her. He wasn't sure if it was for her sake or the sake of his body as his erection was exposed to the cool air in the room as her mouth traveled lower.

A loud ringing noise interrupted them and both Harry and Hermione jumped. Hermione scrambled off of Harry while Harry came into a sitting position, both scrambling to find their wands that they held up, feeling jumpy as they looked around the room, their hearts racing, before they froze, staring at the old fashioned alarm clock vibrating and ringing loudly on the coffee table. Harry just collapsed back onto the bed while Hermione slowly sat back down, her hand over her chest, laughing nervously. They had almost forgotten about the new addition they had wanted from the room. Since it was so late, they made sure to set an alarm to let them know when curfew was near and it was time to head back to their dorms.

Reluctantly, the friends stood and in awkward silence they suffered every time, they clothed themselves again. Harry almost wanted to make some remark to lighten the mood, the first thing jumping to mind the very thing Hermione wanted to do. But he figured it was best to leave that well enough alone and had found the other times that any means of trying to lighten the mood only made things more tense. He instead focused on getting himself presentable before grabbing his bag and he and Hermione slowly headed out of the room. Both were still a bit red in the face and Hermione was constantly running her fingers through her hair, her arms barely at her side a few seconds before she was playing with her thick and bushy hair again.

Harry swallowed hard and stared straight ahead. He felt awful and confused, just like he always did. Was it really fair to either of them to keep up this charade? Was it fair to Ron? Were they truly pathetic for using something like these as a means of escape? Were they really that scared? Harry felt dirty. It wasn't like making out with a girl was odd for a boy his age…He was fifteen and he had hormones and most boys his age were off making out with attractive girls, if not doing more than just that. Then again, he wasn't like most boys his age, wanting to do whatever he could with whoever he could. He wasn't some prude, but he did believe that such physical displays of affection and love should be shared with someone one cared about. And while he did care about Hermione, it just wasn't in that way. And the fact that he wasn't even doing it because he was horny! It was ridiculous.

The walk was long, but it didn't seem like it had taken any time at all to reach Gryffindor Tower. They slowly approached and Harry was hardly paying any attention at all when Hermione suddenly shoved him into a wall and pressed her mouth against his. It all happened so quickly, it was hard for Harry to immediately get his mind around it.

A giggle. A squeak. A very displeased "Whoa." The sound of feet stomping off. The sight of Ron half dragging Susan Bones off. Harry blinked in surprise, watching until he couldn't see Ron and Susan anymore before turning to a very panicked and wild looking Hermione Granger.

"Hermione!" Harry snapped, staring wide-eyed at her before looking back down the hallway to where Ron had run off to. He blinked a few times and recalled his friend really not looking or sounding too happy.

He knew Hermione had her little fantasies of Ron catching them, but neither of them had ever intentionally gone out and done something like this in public. Harry had always harbored some of those feelings of guilt for that remaining fear that maybe Ron did still have feelings for Hermione. Tonight had proven just that and now Ron was certainly furious with them both. Harry knew Ron was already frustrated with Hermione for treating him so differently ever since summer, but he hadn't been upset with Harry until now.

Hermione blinked in surprise and looked at him then slowly she paled, looking absolutely terrified. "Oh no…Oh Harry! Merlin! I'm so…I'm so, so sorry, Harry! I don't know what was thinking!"

"I know what you were thinking," Harry muttered, shaking his head and glaring in the direction Ron had gone. He felt horrible for how upset and angry Ron seemed, but looking at how confused and upset Hermione was, Harry sighed and found it hard to remain too irritated with her. He moved over and wrapped his arm around her shoulder, walking with her to the portrait of the Fat Lady, leading her inside and to the staircase where they bid goodnight and headed to their respective dormitories. All the while he murmured reassurances, wanting Hermione to relax and calm down. Harry himself could hardly really think about it until he made it into bed.

For several minutes he just laid there, staring up at the ceiling. As strange as it was, he felt some relief by the happenings of tonight. He always felt some gratefulness for those awful feelings he got for the things he did with Hermione, allowing his mind to focus on things other than those he normally worried about long after their little encounters ended. Tonight had only added to the worries on his mind, especially when Ron came storming in.

"Thanks a lot, mate," Ron grumbled, crawling into his own bed. The other boys paused and were paying more attention than either Harry or Ron liked.

"Susan upset again?" Harry asked innocently.

Ron just grumbled some more and settled down. Harry frowned. It didn't do well to push away his friends, but honestly he figured he had a lot more important things weighing down in his life than whether or not Ron was mad at him. But he did care that his best friend was upset with him and that was plenty of reason to keep him occupied. It was better than thinking too much about all of the other things he was trying to avoid thinking about. He could feel their constant presence inside of him, but he never let them come to focus. Harry didn't want to dare acknowledge them at all. Perhaps his methods of dealing with things weren't healthy, but so far they were working and that was all that really mattered right now. As long as he could put up with everything and find some way of dealing with things in the midst of all of this stress and fear, he would be okay.

He at least kept telling himself that.

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**Author's Notes:** This IS a Snarry fanfic. There will be other pairings involved, including other pairings involving Harry and Snape. This will include slash, sex, and all of that other fun stuff.

This story is set post GoF and during OotP. The fanfic is AU


	2. Though it's Easy to Pretend

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Though It's Easy To Pretend_

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Harry was used to being followed around by stares and whispers, and when he awoke the following morning, he knew exactly what it was about. He noticed it when he woke up to the rest of his friends already awake and watching him. He noticed it as he entered the common room. He noticed it following him into the Great Hall for breakfast. He especially noticed how much stronger it was every time he and Hermione looked at each other, let alone when they were near each other.

Ron and Susan had both seen Hermione kiss Harry in the corridor last night. If Ron didn't say anything, there wasn't a doubt in his mind Susan had. Gossip spread through this school like a wildfire. He wouldn't have been surprised if all of these rumors had started before he even made it to bed. Harry did his best to ignore everyone, not wanting to know what they thought or felt about the whole matter. He couldn't help but to feel slightly irritated with Hermione for letting this happen, but he said nothing as he sat next to her at the Gryffindor table. Nothing more than the usual "Good morning," as though everything were perfectly normal.

Hermione seemed relieved when he spoke to her and relaxed a bit, glancing around at everyone before leaning in closer. "Harry, I'm so sorry…I don't know what I was thinking…"

"It's fine," Harry assured her, restraining himself from telling her that she had known what she was thinking. She had known exactly what she was doing and exactly what she wanted to happen. Harry couldn't blame her too much, though. He allowed this to happen. He was just as much to blame as she was for continuing on with everything. The day she kissed him in his bedroom at Grimmauld Place, he should have pushed her away, but he hadn't. Because even if there was no chemistry of true love there, they did need each other. They needed their sick little game.

Aside from that, Harry remembered every conversation they had had about this. He remembered how lost Hermione would get when she spoke about it. He remembered all of her pain and desperation and desire. She cared for Ron Weasley more than she had ever let on and she hated herself so much for not acting sooner, for being such a wimp about things. For being so scared. She wouldn't have had to worry about Susan Bones or anything else. Time and time again Hermione would accuse Ginny and Harry of lying to her, of fooling with her by saying that Ron had felt those things for her. Neither had really expected how deeply Hermione did care for him. They certainly hadn't expected Ron to go out with someone like Susan when he had so obviously cared for Hermione. Whether or not he still had feelings for her had been in question when he began dating Susan…And even with his obvious feelings of last night, they couldn't be too sure.

"Would it…" Hermione began with some hesitation and Harry glanced up at her, confused. "Would it be possible if…We didn't exactly…Discourage…said rumors?"

Harry cocked his eyebrow, but he thought about it. He wasn't sure how beneficial it would be to pretend to date Hermione Granger. Especially when he still felt so uneasy about the Ron situation. But Harry could see the temptation that Hermione did. They wouldn't have to keep it hidden anymore…They could act out the things they had been for all to see and no one would question them. They could use each other more often. That thought was both dreadful and exciting. Harry let his bright green eyes glance around the Great Hall, watching many eyes flicker away as though they hadn't been staring while others bravely met his. It wasn't like much they said would quiet the rumors now that they had started. And Harry could see how tempting it would be for Hermione…Now much easier it would be on her to shove every public display of affection Ron and Susan acted out right back in his face. Whether it would have the desired results was questionable, but Harry knew it would at least make her feel better, in some petty way that he understood all too well by now.

Harry shrugged slowly, eying Ron as he glared at them and walked up. "Might as well see it through," Harry murmured, waiting quietly as Ron walked around to his usual seat on the other side of Harry. It was normally odd sitting between Ron and Hermione with the obvious issues between the two…Issues he very well understood, even if Ron had remained in the dark all summer and all through the year so far. Now there was a different feeling. An awkwardness and some strange defensiveness, ready to come out at a moment's notice. Ron glared at them both, but said nothing. Harry had no idea why he was even sitting with them today…Or why he had remained after all these weeks back at school. Was it for appearances? Harry didn't like to think so…No matter how angry Ron was with the both of them or how irritated Harry was with the both of his friends, he didn't think he could bear to think of Ron that way. Maybe he just cared enough for his friends to stick by their side, even when things were so strange lately. Harry wasn't sure what to think and almost longed for a spare time he and Hermione could have together, just to keep his mind from exploding, thinking about and worrying about too many things to count.

"So…How long as this been going on?" Ron asked conversationally, though Harry could sense it was a bit more than a friend asking another friend about his life. He sounded almost bitter, as though he was searching for more to be angry about.

Harry opened his mouth to speak, but Hermione beat him to it. "Since the beginning of summer."

Ron just grunted and began shoveling food into his mouth and Harry just sighed. Harry would have much preferred something like a few days or something less than the whole summer. There was no need to upset Ron any more. Harry was starting to get a bad feeling about all of this…He should have known better than to get involved in this, but it seemed to be too late to change anything now.

"Good to know how close we really are. Didn't even hear it from you, but I had to bloody walk in on it!" Ron muttered.

"You were too busy with Susan to notice much, Ronald," Hermione said coolly.

Harry just sighed. He hadn't agreed to this for the purposes of riling up either of his best friends. Maybe he had been mistaken in hoping this would go well…That it would benefit both him and Hermione and maybe even Ron, as well. He was foolish enough to think that maybe Hermione just wanted this for the same reasons Harry had…As a means of having more opportunities to just feel okay. But this wasn't about distractions, this was about firing all she could at Ron in her revenge for him hurting her. Or as a means of trying to win him over thorugh jealousy. Harry highly doubted anyone was going to win anyone over with the daggers Ron and Hermione was glaring into each other.

Ron, it seemed, couldn't come up with another comeback and did nothing but sputter for a moment before growling and returning to butchering his food before eating it. Hermione was definitely not making this easy on any of them. She seemed pleased with herself for the moment, though. A bitter victory. Harry had no idea what to say to either one of them and only shifted in his discomfort and went on eating, wondering just what it was he had gotten himself into and wondering if there was any safe way out of it.

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There was no way they could ignore the threat Lord Voldemort posed…No way they could just sit back and not do anything until Voldemort did more. This was too big of a threat to sit around waiting for. Harry's summer vacation had been cut short after weeks of arguing among Order members before it was decided that Harry needed a bit of extra help to start immediately. Whoever could teach him would help him whenever they could, normally having to pay a visit to Hogwarts to do so. Underage magic was still illegal, but practicing within the halls of Hogwarts made it safe. Most of the times his lessons alternated between Snape and Lupin, though when they had a spare Auror available, he would get lessons from them or even some of the Order members, when they had a bit of time. Everyone was too preoccupied for him to have a steady teacher, but the constant alternation between people aided in him learning several different things.

Since school started, there was only so much he could do. He had regular classes, that would help in their own way. But with Dolores Umbridge not teaching her students Defense Against the Dark Arts, Harry had resumed taking lessons from mostly Snape after classes were finished each day. Now and then they would have a visitor to help out, when need be, but mostly he had been spending more time around Sanpe than he normally cared for. Lately, though, he found he didn't mind them so much. Snape knew a lot…A lot about magic and a lot about Lord Voldemort and a lot about many things Harry found useful. Sure, the man insulted him to no end when he screwed up, but at least there weren't as many…unnecessary remarks. Something had changed…Harry didn't know if they were just warming up to each other or if someone had said something to him or what, but it was a nice change. At least it let him know when he really was doing something wrong.

After a long day of suffering through Ron's mutterings and Hermione stubbornly holding his hand every time she saw him and the stares and the whispers of everyone around them and the teasing from any Slytherins who passed, Harry was almost grateful to be headed to the dungeons after dinner. He had been given detention today in Potions for snapping at Draco Malfoy and knocking over his cauldron…Though he hadn't actually done the latter, so much as Malfoy using a quick spell to knock it over, but of course Sanpe would accuse Harry of being a lunatic, and as awful as it was sitting there fuming while the rest of the class only had more to talk about, it did make going down tot eh dungeons easier. He had a good excuse for being down there at this time of day, while most people were headed back to their common rooms.

He had to admit to himself, he felt almost excited…A feeling that grew the closer he got. He ignored the snickering of the Slytherins around him and ignored those few who were daring to call out to him. "Hey, Potter! How's Mudblood in the sack?" or "Potter! Good luck in detention! Try not to knock over any more cauldrons!" Normally hearing them say the degrading things they were would have enraged him, but right now he found himself too preoccupied and eager to reach his destination. He slowed a bit as he reached the Potions classroom, hesitantly knocking and shifting almost nervously on his feet. He was feeling anxious by now.

"Enter!"

There was a strangely pleasant feeling that swept through him at the sound of his Potion Masters' almost bored and annoyed command. That voice had been doing this a lot to him lately. He cleared his throat and opened the door and closed it almost as soon as he stepped in. Almost the moment the sound of the door clicking as it closed, he felt himself being pressed hard against the door by a taller, stronger body. Harry glanced up, unsurprised, into Snape's glowering black eyes. "You're late," he accused coldly.

"Sorry, Professor," he murmured, bright green eyes slowly trailing over the older man's face, from his dark eyes to his thin lips, slowly and absentmindedly licking his own. Black eyes flickered down to the movement and before Harry could even register what was happening, Snape's lips were on his, kissing him deeply. Harry immediately returned the passionate kiss, sliding his arms around his professor's body at the same moment he felt strong arms wrapping around him, pulling him closer. Harry shuddered pleasantly beneath those strong hands, loving the feel of being trapped between the door and this strong body. He loved the feeling of how wrong it was and that desire stirring within him, so much better and stronger than anything he ever experienced from Hermione or Cho or any other girl or any other person.

"Severus?"

"Harry?"

Harry gasped, but Snape didn't seem to notice, only moving his lips from his mouth and down to his jaw and neck. Harry's eyes were wide, staring over Snape's shoulder where Dumbledore and Hermione stood with wide, shocked eyes. Harry wanted to push Snape away, to say something, but couldn't help the way his eyes fluttered shut or the way he moaned in pleasure as Snape continued to kiss him and touch him.

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"Harry?"

Harry frowned, slowly blinking his eyes open as he felt someone shaking him harshly. He blinked rapidly, confused as he was pulled from his dream. He was laying on that familiar bed in the Room of Requirement and Hermione was hunched over him in a panic. What was going on? Being pulled from his slumber left him dazed and confused. What had just happened? The dream had seemed so incredibly real that finding himself in the Room of Requirement didn't seem very right. They had just been caught by Dumbledore and Hermione! But…Harry shook his head, feeling his stomach twist up in knots at the thought.

Another dream.

It was not the first dream of this nature Harry had had. They all started back in summer, a few weeks before school started back. Gone were the nightmares and in their place were dreams of a very sexual nature, usually involving his teacher or other men. Now and then he felt normal having a dream about a female, but most of the time it were men like Severus Snape and Kingsley Shackelbolt and one involving Remus Lupin. He almost had one about Tom Riddle, before he had become Lord Voldemort, but he had managed to wake himself up from that one as it quickly turned into one of those nightmares he thought he had ridded himself of completely.

Harry shook his head, not wanting to think about the dream. He hated these dreams and the consequences that came along with them. He sighed at the stubborn tent in his pants, turning to Hermione, feeling slightly panicked and eager to get his mind off of this. But Hermione had jumped out of bed and was shaking slightly as she pulled her shirt back on. "We fell asleep! It's past curfew! We need to go…now! Hurry up, Harry!" Hermione exclaimed, tossing him his shirt. "You missed detention…or your lesson…or whatever it is!" Hermione said, shaking her head. "I'm so sorry, Harry…God, we are so stupid!"

Harry sighed, feeling more disappointment than Hermione's fear. Was it disappointment over having missed his detention? Harry swallowed hard and pulled on his shirt, not wanting to entertain that thought. Maybe it was disappointment over having to leave when he probably needed their time together more than ever now. He put on his socks and shoes and grabbed his bag, though, hoping the prefects would all be asleep and he could hopefully sneak in a good snog in the common room before retiring to bed. For now, though, he let Hermione drag him out of the room and down the corridors, sneaking the best they could along the dark walls. Hermione was muttering under her breath about how stupid they were and wondering why they hadn't set the alarm and so many other things, but Harry could hardly hear her. He was too caught up seeing flashes of that dream before his eyes and desperately wanting it to stop, not wanting to think about it at all.

After a few minutes, Harry pulled them to a stop and pressed Hermione against the wall, kissing her as deeply as Snape had kissed him in his dream. Hermione squeaked in surprise and tried to push him away, but stopped after a moment with a moan. Even this was hardly working, still seeing Snape and that Potions classroom behind his eyes. Harry slid his hands up her thighs, around her back to grip her firm arse, and moving back around and up to cup her breasts…He reminded himself the best he could that he was with a woman. This was normal. This was what Harry needed to be dreaming about.

"It's past curfew, you know!" grunted an irritated and familiar voice. Harry and Hermione jumped away from each other, turning to see Ron glaring at them, holding the hand of Susan Bones who was eying them all uncertainly.

"Could say the same to you," Hermione said coldly, giving Susan the same look the Huffelpuff girl was giving her.

Ron just muttered under his breath and tugged Susan along. Harry and Hermione watched them go before Hermione grinned and sighed happily. "Thank you, Harry! Thank you so much!" Hermione whispered gratefully, throwing her arms around Harry and hugging him tightly.

Harry hadn't seen Ron and Susan coming, but Hermione seemed to think so. Harry had no problem letting her believe he had done that for her…It made him feel a lot better to think of it that way. He couldn't let his mind go back to that place, so he just thought about Ron and Hermione and Susan as he took Hermione's hand and led her back towards the Gryffindor Tower.

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**Author's Note:** Okay so I haven't read or written fanfics in a few years so feedback would be wonderful!


	3. Full of Broken Thoughts

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Full of Broken Thoughts_

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It all started with Hermione pushing him down onto the bed.

Harry barely had time to put his bag down when Hermione grabbed him and pushed him down, immediately climbing on top of him. Harry pushed himself back onto the bed so that half of his body wasn't awkwardly hanging off and Hermione followed him eagerly, pressing her lips deeply into his. Her eyes were wild with a desire Harry had never seen before, and it worried him for only a moment before she was pressing her hips into his, pressing her hand between them and into his pants, rubbing his cock to hardness while her free hand grasped his shirt while she kissed him deeply. Harry was too stunned to move for a few moments before he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer.

That didn't last long. Hermione pushed herself up after a few moments and pulled off her shirt before reaching down to help Harry remove his, like she normally did. The movement of his shirt pushed his glasses up and almost completely off of his head. He heard his shirt hit the floor as he pushed his glasses back into position, gasping as he glanced up.

Hermione was no longer straddling him. In her place was Snape, shirtless, and pressing their bare chests together as he leaned down to kiss Harry. Harry moaned in response, pressing his hips up and moaning again at the feel of Snape's hardness pressing into his own. His body was bigger and harder and stronger than Hermione's softer, delicate feminine form and Harry found himself liking the difference immensely. Even with Hermione on top of him, Harry normally felt like he still held the power between them, but with Snape he felt utterly out of control and submissive. It was a strange yet wonderful feeling…And despite the strangeness of what had just happened, Harry wrapped his arms around the man and held him closer, kissing him back just as passionately as Snape kissed him.

"Harry," Snape groaned against his mouth.

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"Harry!" Hermione hissed, pushing against his arm.

"Wake up, mate," Ron added, prodding him from the other side. He didn't sound as grumpy as he usually did, allowing a bit of concern to come into his voice.

Harry jumped and sat up, blinking rapidly as he looked down at the notes he'd barely even started on. As usual after these dreams, Harry spent a few moments confused and feeling disappointment fill him when he realized that his fun with Snape had ended. Even more disappointment to learn that it was a dream. And panic when he realized what had happened. Again. Harry shook his head and gritted his teeth. He hated these dreams! Wasn't he abnormal enough without having those sorts of dreams about blokes? He wasn't gay, was he? Even if he did get a hard on because of those dreams and even if those dreams were frequent, did it really mean anything? He had been attracted to girls before, right? He'd had an interesting dream about Sinistra one night and he'd gotten plenty aroused from that.

Harry could hardly understand what was happening, but per usual he didn't want to think about it. He hastily picked up his quill just in time to notice everyone else starting to pack up their stuff and start to leave. Just great. He was going to have to copy Hermione's notes later, if he even had time for any of that. Harry began stuffing his things back into his bag while Hermione and Ron hovered nearby him.

"Potter."

God, that voice. Harry swallowed hard and tried not to think about how much he enjoyed hearing that voice as he glanced up at Snape who was glowering at him with more anger than he had seen in a long time. Harry sighed and motioned his friends to the door and Hermione and Ron glanced from him to Snape before uncertainly heading out of the classroom. Harry knew he was in for it and while part of him was excited by the prospects of his punishment, most of him was freaking out. Any more time spent around Snape than need be was not doing him any good. Harry couldn't even remember the last dream he'd had about anyone else, which was disturbing and something he was only just now realizing. That was probably because he saw Snape more than just about everyone, except maybe Hermione.

Whatever it was, Harry didn't like it.

Snape didn't bother looking up from the parchment he was scribbling on as he spoke. "Did you simply forget about your detention, Mr. Potter, or do you find that you can now ignore duty and spend all of your time enjoying Miss Granger?"

Harry sighed, wanting to say nothing at all. He knew there was nothing he could say to make anything better or change Snape's mind. He knew, however, that not answering could be just as bad. "I'm sorry, professor, I lost track of time. I realize it's not an excuse," he said, mouth remaining open, wanting to say something more, feeling as though there was more he should say, but unable to really think of anything else. He quickly closed his mouth and cleared his throat, his mind quickly falling into the gutter again and he felt his stomach churning yet again as he mentally berated himself for the mental images and those disgusting thoughts about the teacher right in front of him.

"Luckily your stupidity has done some good. You have detention for the next two weeks. For skipping last night's detention and for falling asleep in my classroom. It truly is a pity we have to waste our time preparing you instead of punishing you properly."

Harry resisted the urge to shudder at his words, and not necessarily out of fear or horror. He did not need to add being punished by Snape to his list of things to think and dream about. He wasn't exactly into pain, he didn't think, but suddenly the idea of being bent over Snape's lap or his desk with his pants around his ankles didn't seem like the worst idea in the world. Harry swallowed hard as he felt his member stirring, silently praying that Snape would dismiss him soon and that his half hard member would behave.

"Don't be late."

"Yes, Professor."

With that, Harry turned and walked out of the room as quickly as he could without humiliating himself. He really needed to see Hermione soon. This was all getting so much worse and he had no idea what to do about it. The affects of his little "agreement" with Hermione were fading fast and Harry was feeling desperate. Didn't he have enough to worry about with Voldemort back around? Hadn't his entire life been messed up enough without all of this interfering, too? Didn't he deserve to have a little peace and normalcy for once in all of his life? Harry liked to think so, but he hadn't been lucky so far and no matter what he thought, it didn't' seem like fate was going to be smiling down on him anytime soon.

It wasn't that Harry found Snape revolting. No, that was the problem. Snape wasn't the ugly bat in the dungeons everyone liked to say he was. Harry wasn't disgusted by his appearance at all, though thinking beyond that simple fact would be painful. He didn't dare think that he found any part of the Potions Master attractive. And that was what horrified him so much…What made his stomach twist in horrible knots. It was knowing how wrong this was and how sickened he should be by the thought of being touched by that man that disturbed him most of all.

Hermione and Ron were kind enough to wait around the corner for him. Even though Susan had joined them and Ron was holding her hand, Hermione was still there and Harry felt a rush of warmth run through him. He was grateful to have his friends around right now and even more grateful that Hermione was putting up with being around Ron and Susan just to wait for him.

"How was it, Harry?" Hermione asked uncertainly, that look of guilt in her eyes making Harry feel bad. It wasn't entirely her fault they had forgotten to set the alarm and he had been late. It was his own responsibility to make sure he was there and he had messed up. He was going to have to make sure to reassure her of that later…But as much as Hermione might have liked to rub their time together in the Room of Requirement in Ron's face, Harry was not inclined to bring it up.

"Two weeks of detention," Harry said with a shrug and Ron looked horrified.

"That slimy bastard!" Ron exclaimed.

"50 points from Gryffindor, Weasley."

Ron groaned and closed his eyes, squeezing Susan's hand as Snape swept past them. Hermione bit her lip, doing her best to stifle laughter. Harry had to refrain from laughing himself, though he had a better control over his facial expressions than Hermione did. Ron just glared at her and muttered and walked off with Susan. Harry just sighed and took Hermione's hand and followed after. Ron seemed to have forgotten that detention wasn't necessarily a bad thing these days. Just a better excuse to squeeze in much needed lessons. But Ron seemed to be in a piss poor mood and it didn't matter much...The damage had already been done.

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Harry spent most of the day nervous about the night's lessons. He found himself recalling his dreams more and more and even daydreaming in Charms class. Daydreaming that sort of thing! Harry could barely stand to look at or the very mention of Snape's name. What in the world was wrong with him? Harry was doing his best not to think about things. He focused on classes and snogging Hermione in between classes and even trying to write Sirius a letter. He was trying hard not to think too much about it, but it was hard to really let go when he knew he would be forced to see Snape later that night. It certainly wasn't going to help his cause any and especially now that he could hardly get the dreams about the man off of his mind.

Just like last night's dream, as he headed to the dungeons, he was surrounded by snickering Slytherins who had nothing better to do than stop and shout things at him. Harry gritted his teeth and marched forward, trying to shake himself of that strange feeling of déjà vu and hating himself for any hopefulness and excitement weaseling their way into him. There was nothing good about having to see Snape. Nothing anything close to his dream would happen today. He didn't want anything like his dream to happen, he told himself.

He contemplated not knocking at all to avoid any similar aspects of the dream he could, but he figured it was still safer to do and so he raised his fist and knocked. He didn't let himself focus on how strong and pleasant and beautiful the voice that called out "Enter!" was. He merely let himself in, breathing a sigh of relief when he saw Snape rising from behind his desk. Harry almost didn't shut the door, but when Snape motioned for him to do so, he sighed and followed the wordless instructions. Snape went about the usual routine of putting up locking charms on the door and silencing charms all around the room. There was no need for anyone to know what was going on in this room, certainly not people who weren't well informed of Harry's lessons. The fact that not many people could come in…The privacy of the place…Made it hard to keep those thoughts from coming back after him. How easy it would be if his dream played out in real life, only without the interruption of Dumbledore and Hermione. Ron often expressed fear for the complete privacy, worried that Snape would kill or torture Harry…But Harry's mind was in a completely different place. A much better place.

Or maybe a worse place, he told himself, trying to rid himself of those thoughts entirely.

Too focused on his own concerns and thoughts, he hardly noticed Snape was even speaking until Snape snapped, "Potter!" and he jumped, facing an irritated glare from his professor. "Sorry, Professor," he muttered and dropped his bag and took the seat Snape motioned for him to take. They had been doing so well, too, he thought bitterly. Snape wasn't necessarily nice, but after spending so much time together over summer and during the year, things at least had seemed better. But if this kept up, Harry wasn't sure how long that would last. Maybe it was better if being around Snape was just as bad as ever. Maybe if Snape was completely horrible again, the dreams would stop. He at least hoped they might. Harry blinked rapidly and forced himself to think about Voldemort…Thinking about Cedric Diggory…Thinking about his parents…Thinking about all of the horrible things that had happened and all of the reasons he was here. Sex dreams about the most hated and most undesirable professor at school were definitely less important than the threats out there and Harry had to remind himself of that. His face became serious as he watched his annoyed professor; he didn't much like focusing on this side of his life either, but it was the more important of everything else. Nothing else would matter if Voldemort killed him or everyone around him.

"Thinking about the Granger girl?" Snape guessed with a sneer. "You'd much rather be out playing than in here learning how to defend yourself. I warn you, do not take this lightly, Potter. The Dark Lord is a real threat and you are no where near prepared to face him."

"I know, professor," Harry agreed, feeling badly for letting everything else get to him so badly. There were more important things to worry about, and just because Voldemort wasn't on some rampage and just because most of his nightmares had become less frequent, didn't mean he should stop caring. Even if it wasn't on his mind as much for those particular reasons, he should make sure to keep himself focused. It was better to be prepared before any of that stuff happened. "So what are we doing today, sir?" Harry asked, eager to get off of the subject of his stupidity and more on the subject of what needed to get done. He was determined to focus on this and do well in this. Harry would be disappointing so many people if he failed and if he wasn't trying hard enough because he had such silly things on his mind.

Snape just smirked. "I just informed you of what we would be doing today, Potter. It isn't my fault if you possess no self control or focus," the man said and Harry swallowed hard. This could not end well. Before Harry could even try to wrack his brain, trying to recall anything Snape had said…Before he could even bother grabbing his wand…Before he could try to prepare himself in any way, Snape was shouting, "Legilimens!"

Harry had never heard that word before…But it didn't take him long to suffer the affects. Snape's office around him blurred and melted away into different scenes entirely. Differing images flashed through his mind, mostly from his childhood with the Dursleys. Watching Dudley get so many amazing gifts and being jealous. Being chased by Aunt Marge's dog. Being shoved into the cupboard under the stairs. Being screamed at by Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon while Dudley sat shaking on the couch behind them. That was just after the Dementor attack. The Dementors…

He hissed in pain and blinked open his eyes, confusedly staring up at the ceiling of Snape's office while Snape slowly came into view above him, rubbing his wrist. Harry slowly sat up, realizing he had fallen out of his chair and it had landed half on top of him. Harry struggled up and righted the chair, turning back to Snape who was still watching him closely. "Did you mean to produce a Stinging Hex?" Snape inquired and Harry blinked in surprise. Had he? Snape only smirked. "I thought not."

"What did you do?" Harry asked warily, holding his wand tightly in his hand, prepared to defend himself at any moment. He wouldn't put it past Snape to randomly attack him without any warning. He had been doing so for the past few months.

"That wasn't clear? You really weren't paying attention," Snape said, slowly circling Harry where he stood still, his eyes following his professor every time he was in view, unable to stop himself from tensing up when he could no longer see him, but could feel him so close behind him. "I entered your mind. Had you been listening, you would know that I am attempting to teach you Occlumency and you would know what Occlumency and Legilimency are," he said coolly. "You would know that through your connection to the Dark Lord, he can more easily get into your mind…You would know that he is a master Legilimens…You would know that in order to stop him from gaining access to your mind that you have to learn how to shield it…Using Occlumency."

"Voldemort can read minds?" Harry asked, both shocked and panicked.

"Do not say his name," Snape hissed and Harry swallowed and nodded apologetically. While he had no problems saying Lord Voldemort's name, most people not only had a problem with saying it, but with hearing it. He didn't like to substitute it with anything else, but for the sake of others he was trying to get into the habit of it. "And no, Potter. One cannot read minds. The mind is not a book, not filled with words to examine and study. The mind is complex…No one can read your mind. They can, however, extract feelings and memories…He can see every little thing you don't want him to know. If you allow yourself to remain unguarded, he can easily gather all of the information he needs from your…simple…mind. It is not safe to allow him that sort of power over you, Potter, which is why you must pay attention. This is why you must focus!"

It still sounded like mind reading to Harry and it was still scary, which was all he supposed really mattered. He needed to learn it because it was important…Harry tried to wrap his mind around what Snape was telling him. Voldemort could see into his mind…Could see all of those awful things. Not only Voldemort, but obviously Snape. His mind drifted back to his most recent dreams, for a moment panicking over the thought of Snape seeing any of them. That was the last thing he had to worry about, though, he told himself. He was going to make himself good at this, he thought determinedly. "How do I…do this?" he asked uncertainly.

"Close your eyes," Snape instructed, coming to stop in front of him.

Harry eyed Snape uncertainly, for a moment wondering if this was a trap before slowly allowing himself to close his eyes, still holding his hand steady and ready. For a moment he imagined Snape moving closer…Using this to his advantage…To lean in and kiss him and Harry felt his lips tingle at the very thought. He shoved away those thoughts, forcing himself to focus on this task…Though it had more to do with not focusing on how much he actually wanted Snape to kiss him and less to do with the fact that he actually needed to learn this. Though the latter was certainly a good excuse.

"Clear your mind. Remain calm…Let go of all emotion. Focus," Snape was saying calmly. He tried hard not to think about how wonderful that voice sounded. Harry tried hard to do exactly as Snape said. He pushed away all of that disgust over his strange desires and dreams. He pushed away all of that guilt over what he was doing with Hermione. He pushed away all of that fear and hatred towards Voldemort. At least he tried to. He stood there awkwardly, trying hard to do as Snape told him. He tried to relax, tried to keep his mind blank. He could feel all of those things he was pushing aside deep within him, but he thought he was doing a decent job of keeping them away from the surface.

"Legilimens!"

More memories flooded into his mind, this time mostly involving Ron and Hermione. How Harry and Ron saved Hermione from the troll first year. How Ron was angry with Harry last year, thinking he had put his own name in the Goblet of Fire. Ron and Hermione arguing over Hermione going to the Yule Ball with Viktor Krum. Ginny and Harry discussing Ron and Hermione's obvious feelings for each other. Hermione coming into Harry's room and kissing him. His and Hermione's discussion about why they were even doing this. Hermione kissing Harry when she saw Ron and Susan coming down the hall together. Lastly, Harry's latest dream. At first he thought it was just another time in the Room of Requirement with Hermione straddling him, but he soon realized it was that dream! Harry panicked, desperately trying to get it to stop as Hermione started pulling off Harry's shirt. Suddenly it stopped and Harry gasped when he found himself on the floor again. Harry breathed a sigh of relief, his heart pounding from how close it had come to Snape seeing certain things. He heard a noise, like Snape starting to speak, and then a sharp, painful hiss. Harry pushed himself up, watching his professor in concern as he swept away. "Lessons end early, Potter. Come back tomorrow." he said harshly and Harry nodded, scrambling up and grabbing his bag as he heard a door slam. He stood up and glanced around the room, but Sanpe was gone. What had happened? Harry just shook his head and walked towards the door. He wasn't about to complain. He was really going to have to work on this if he wanted to avoid another close call.

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**Author's Notes: **Borrowed a couple of lines from Order of the Phoenix with Snape teaching Harry Occlumency.

I really appreciate the feedback, everyone! I hope to be getting more reviews with this one so I know how things are! I love knowing what you like about things and anything that can be worked on or any other comments you might have. I'll do my best to reply to reviews at the end of every chapter.


	4. Now the Dark is Taking Over

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Now the Dark Is Taking Over_

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Harry didn't know what to think of Snape suddenly rushing off the way he had, but he had been too tired upon entering the dormitory to think much on it. He fell into bed, immediately falling asleep as his head hit the pillow. For the first time in weeks he had a non-sexual dream, though he didn't count himself too lucky.

It was another…Nightmare. Nothing was too clear. He only caught flashes of images, mere glimpses into what was happening. He heard voices…Mainly Voldemort making some grand speech about his return that too quickly became him reprimanding the followers who had given up on him and praising those who had remained loyal. He caught curses and screaming and flashes of light. Death Eaters fell to their knees in agony as they suffered what Harry could only assume was the Cruciatus Curse. A few fell and never got up, never moved, never did anything. He could hear cruel laughter and shrill screams. Then he caught glimpses of Death Eaters attacking others, but those being attacked didn't put up a fight. He caught on a bit later that this was Voldemort's gift for those who had remained loyal to him after he had gone. He heard his own name mentioned now and then, but Harry could hardly get the gist of everything.

After a while, Harry realized the punishments had ended and tried hard to pay closer attention to what was being discussed, but he only caught bits and pieces of the conversation, and the more he tried to cling to the image, curious and desperate to know what was going on, the more he slowly began waking up and the harder it was to hold onto the images until there was nothing but blackness behind his eyes and silence in his ears. Harry sighed heavily and opened his eyes. There was a bit of light coming in through the window, the sun just beginning to rise. Everyone else was still sound asleep. Harry shook lightly as he looked around, sort of wishing someone else was awake. He couldn't decide if he was more worried or angry, and couldn't really figure out why he felt either. Death Eaters being attacked was a lot better than innocents being attacked. But deep down he knew Snape was among their number. Somehow he knew he was one of those unfortunate to suffer being tortured. And, somehow, he knew exactly which masked figure he was. Harry shook his head and laid back down, closing his eyes. There was still a few hours left to sleep, and as exhausted as he felt, he found it impossible to fall back asleep, his mind too wide awake right now.

He hated Voldemort. And he hated these nightmares. Perhaps that was where the anger was coming from. But what disturbed him was that concern he felt in the way his heart raced and his stomach twisted painfully was for the Potions Master he had continually been dreaming about. Even if his arousing dreams about the man said something about attraction, he wasn't sure why he'd be worried about that greasy git.

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The following week was Snape-less. Now and then, Harry had a spare moment to actually worry about the man, but luckily he had been too busy all week to pay attention to much of anything. After his Occlumency lesson with Snape, Harry pushed himself to focus more on important things like protecting himself and worrying more about Voldemort than stupid teenage hormones. OWLS were this year, so he had those to study for. Quidditch practice every afternoon this week. And after dinner, he continued his lessons with whoever could spare a few hours for him. Shackelbolt and Tonks took over the first two days while Lupin managed to come in the remaining days that week to help out. Since he was cleared of detention with Snape until the man was back, Umbridge found it necessary to give him detention of her own one day. The scar on the back of Harry's hand made him feel like a real detention from Snape would be preferable to that woman. Then there was Hermione's constant need of him, now that Ron and Susan were displaying more public displays of affection than usual (it all started when Harry and Hermione's "relationship" became public, though neither really noticed).

And every night he would go back over the things he had learned in his lessons on his own in the Room of Requirement before finally heading to bed right before curfew. The first two nights he almost willed himself to dream about Voldemort, though that was of no use. Only that one dream and Harry wondered if he would only have a dream or two scattered every few weeks instead of the constant, nightly thing it had once been. On the third ngiht he reminded himself that avoiding dreaming about Voldemort was the entire point (or most of the point) of his Occlumency lessons and began practicing that before allowing him to go to sleep. It seeemed that while trying to dream of Voldemort was useless, but trying to avoid him was exactly what it took to get him in his head.

It was another conversation about Harry, though Voldemort wasn't surrounded by a large group of Death Eaters. Only three masked figures were kneeling before him, being circled by the snake, Nagini. The three knelt patiently while Voldemort hissed to his snake in Parseltongue and Harry understood every word. "They are spineless fools, Nagini. So afraid…Yessss…You can smell their fear, too? They should be afraid…Don't worry, my pet. If they fail me, they will at least make a fine meal for you," he chuckled and Harry noticed the new look of hunger and interest Nagini took when looking at the three figures. "Maybe even sooner than that, if I seek entertainment. Look how they tremble…So beautiful…Yet they seem so useless. I'm sure finding other…recruits…shouldn't be difficult, hmm? Perhaps I have only just returned…But my power…Yes, I have power. And I will keep getting power…And no matter how noble people like to believe they are…Who can truly resist a taste of power? Who could resist me, when faced with the threat of their lives? The lives of their families? Yes…Replacing these imbeciles wouldn't be a chore."

Finally Voldemort began speaking in English to his patient followers, though Harry hardly noticed the difference in the languages. Voldemort smiled a smile that chilled Harry to the bone as he eyed his Death Eaters. "I want Harry Potter," he began, glowering as one of the Death Eaters turned his head up to look at him. The man quickly looked back down, but before he could right himself, Voldemort raised his wand and muttered, "Crucio!" and the man fell to his face, knees sliding out from under him as he screamed in pain. It only lasted a few seconds before the man was panting heavily against the ground and Voldemort continued as if nothing had happened. "Unfortunately the boy is currently under the protection of Albus Dumbledore. We must be willing to do…anything…to get him. I need…spies…I need…someone to get close to Potter. Someone to learn all of his secrets. A new friend, perhaps? Someone to gain his trust and, in the end, betray him? They'll all be on guard now. It wouldn't be an easy task. But not an impossible one. The first person to bring me any…useful…information about the boy will be rewarded very handsomely. Fail me and the consequences will be most severe."

"Yes, my Lord," they all said in union.

Voldemort whipped out his wand again, but before Harry could figure out what he was going to do, he woke up. He gasped and sat up straight, blinking rapidly and gasping for breath. He felt sick to his stomach as he looked around the dormitory at the other sleeping Gryffindors. He was going to keep his eyes open and be very careful with who he trusted or who he was even around, more than likely. Knowing something like this was useful, right? What good would stopping these nightmares do if they could help? Even if they had a spy among Death Eaters, Snape, that didn't mean he would know everything. It was going to be hard working on Occlumency when Harry was starting to become convinced it was better to just have these nightmares. Even if Voldemort could see into his mind, it wasn't like Harry knew anything useful. Not yet anyway and he couldn't help but think not ever. Maybe, though, this was why they didn't tell him things. Harry slowly laid back down, arguing with himself before falling back into a dreamless sleep.

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Sunday was the first day Harry really had all week to really rest. He had miraculously finished all of his homework, no one was available to train with him today, and there was no Qudditch practice since they'd just had and won a game against Ravenclaw. Hermione was in a rotten mood, too upset to even want to do any of the things she was usually all the eager to do. Harry wasn't sure why for a while. He wondered if maybe something happened with Ron, but he hadn't seen Ron much today, either, for him to ask. Early afternoon he considered going down to the headmaster's office again. He had gone earlier that morning, when he figured he had a relatively free day, figuring he might as well tell Dumbledore about the dreams he had had. The only free times he had the past few days, Dumbledore was always busy talking to someone else and he hadn't even been in there this morning. He was starting to get a bit worried, but just as he was about to get up off the couch in the common room to leave, Ginny plopped down beside him.

"Hey, Harry," Ginny said with a small smile. Her boyfriend, Dean, lingered nearby, but Ginny shot him a glare and Dean eyed Harry uncertainly before walking off. Harry was a bit confused, but he figured with the obvious crush Ginny had had on him for years, the boyfriend might have a right to be a bit worried.

"Hey, Ginny. I w-" he began.

"Hermione punched Ron in the nose earlier today," Ginny cut in, having not heard Harry begin to speak as she looked around the common room to see if they had any privacy. Most people were out, but a small group finishing up homework sat on the floor in front of the fire. She blushed a bit and laughed nervously, shaking her head. Harry's eyes grew wide in surprise. "She was lucky none of the teachers saw. No one really saw but Susan," Ginny said, grimacing as she said the girl's name. She wasn't fond of the girl, obviously. "Ron just told me. Best I can figure is that Ron and Susan have been a bit more…affectionate lately. Ron was going on about how jealous Hermione was of them. I don't know why she'd be so jealous of them when she has you," Ginny said, rolling her eyes. "Ron wasn't too happy with that. He wouldn't say much, but all I know is that they got into an argument or something and Hermione just hit him. Lavender said she was crying a bit in the girl's room earlier," Ginny said, frowning. "Not meaning to pry but…Do you think she…might still have feelings for Ron?"

Harry momentarily thought of Dean, wondering if Dean had ever approached anyone asking if Ginny still had a thing for him. Harry focused on Ginny, though. Most people might assume she was asking in hopes of having Harry to herself, but Harry didn't think of it much like that. Even if Ginny did like him, she was a good person and a good friend and he couldn't see her being so…so much like other girls. They were friends, though, and Harry figured he could trust her. "Actually…" Harry said, clearing his throat and shifting on the couch. Harry counted Ginny as a friend and he knew she and Hermione were rather close. Plus, Harry had a feeling Ginny already had some idea of things. She was awfully smart. Harry shifted in closer to her, not wanting to be overheard. "I'm sure she does. You see…We're not…really dating."

He figured he had judged correctly. "Ooooh," Ginny said, nodding and not looking very surprised. "So…?"

"This whole…Thing…Started when Hermione found out Ron was with Susan. She just came into my room and started kissing me and…Well…We've been doing it ever since. It makes her feel better and it…helps me with some of my problems, I guess," Harry admitted, feeling foolish and guilty again for admitting it. Ginny clucked her tongue in a disapproving manner that made Harry think of her mother. "Well the day it started going around school, Hermione decided to snog me in the hallway when she saw Ron and I guess Susan spread it around. Hermione asked me to go along with the rumors…I guess to make Ron jealous or at least make her feel better about him dating Susan," Harry said with a shrug.

"So why are you doing it, Harry?" Ginny asked. She obviously didn't like the idea and Harry understood why. Even if it was because she did still like him (which Harry himself doubted, though sometimes he wasn't so sure), he also knew that it wasn't exactly a good thing he and Hermione were doing. It wasn't the right thing at all. Not a very Gryffindor thing, he thought to himself. There was nothing good or noble about two friends using each other to get their minds off of things or to get revenge or whatever other reasons the two of them had.

"You know, you could always talk to someone about your problems or find a hobby other than snogging your best friend," Ginny said teasingly, though there was a serious edge to her voice and an all too serious look in her eyes.

"Yeah," he said, his stomach feeling nauseous as he thought about it. It had become less about all of his problems and more about convincing himself that he was straight. And convincing everyone else that he was. Harry wasn't exactly sure anyone else questioned it, but somehow the moment those worries arose, he had thrown himself more into his time with Hermione, not wanting to even question it himself, let alone have anyone else do it.

"Do you? Wanna talk about it?" Ginny asked, sounding a bit concerned now.

Harry laughed shakily and shook his head. "It's just a lot of things, Ginny. A lot of the usual things…You know…Dark wizard's out to get me and all. And…other things," he admitted, though he knew he wasn't about to say a word of any of it to anyone. Instead he stood up and smiled apologetically. "Actually, I have to go see the headmaster now. But…Maybe you could go check on Hermione?" he suggested, glancing towards the girl's dormitories. Ginny's gaze followed his and she nodded. "Of course," she said and stood up, heading off to see her friend. He turned in time to see the study group on the ground watching them, glancing between Harry and Ginny and Harry sighed as he headed out of the common room. He could only imagine the new rumor he'd wake up to tomorrow morning. Or would more than likely have to face the moment he left Dumbledore's office.

There wasn't much time, though, to worry about rumors about him or what he should do about his situation with Hermione. He had been working on staying focused and keeping his mind on the important things and worrying about those ahead of everything else. Staying safe and anything involving Voldemort was going to have to take top priority. It was too much of a risk not to be. Harry knew he was going to have to tell Dumbledore about these dreams. He had a feeling Dumbledore would encourage him to work harder on Occlumency, despite the fact that Harry thought these dreams were more helpful than anything. Still, his dreams weren't helping many people if he kept it to himself. Any way he could help the Order of the Phoenix, he would.

Harry was determined to see Dumbledore and was disappointed to find that the password had changed as he faced the gargoyle. Harry sighed heavily, wanting to hit his head against the wall. He tried as many desserts and candies as he could think of and felt himself frustrated when none of them worked. Why did it have to be so bloody hard to see the headmaster? Harry sighed and resigned himself to coming back later and reminding himself to try to stop and ask one of the professors if they could give it to him, should he see any of them.

"Potter!"

Harry's stomach sank as he glanced up to see Snape walking down the staircase he was currently walking up. "Hello, Professor Snape," Harry greeted politely, hating that small relief he felt as he glanced the man over. He seemed fine. He glanced up and resisted the urge to blush and look away at the man's glower. It seemed to be filled with a lot more hatred than it had been lately, but he found that Snape was returning to his old self the longer time went on. "Um, sir, do you have the p-"

"I currently do not have time for your nonsense, Potter. We will, however, resume lessons tonight. Seven o'clock sharp, Potter. Do not be late," Snape said, sneering at him before continuing to walk downstairs. Harry glared after him, but figured it wasn't worth it to chase him down to get the password. He would just have to hunt down another teacher later on, he thought, shaking his head and turning to walk back upstairs and back towards Gryffindor Tower. He had mixed feelings over seeing Snape and the idea of having lessons continue tonight with Snape, and Harry was doing his damned best to focus on all of his negative feelings about the situation. Disliking the man and reminding himself of why was a lot easier than anything else.

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	5. Tell Me Only If It's Real

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Tell Me Only If It's Real_

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Dumbledore had left Hogwarts. Not permanently, Professor Flitwick had to hurriedly add. Harry had been to Dumbledore's office for a fourth time when Flitwick shuffled by and Harry had stopped him to ask for the password. Flitwick had given him the new password, but assured him that the headmaster probably wouldn't be back until later that night, and Harry would be stuck in lessons with Snape probably until curfew. Harry was starting to wonder if he was even supposed to tell anyone about his dreams, or if the fates wanted him to keep that bit of information to himself by any means.

Flitwick went off again and Harry watched him disappear down the corridor, leaning back against the wall by the gargoyle. There was still a bit of time before he had to go see Snape, though he doubted it was enough time to really get anything done. He considered going there early in hopes of getting out earlier, but he figured Snape would either work him until curfew anyway or snap at him that he didn't want to suffer his presence longer than necessary or something of that nature. It wasn't even worth the effort, so with a feeling of some disappointment he headed back to Gryffindor Tower. He spent what time he had talking with Ron and Dean about Quidditch and it worried Harry that he hadn't seen Ginny or Hermione since he had left to try to find Dumbledore the second time. He thought to ask one of the girls if they had seen or heard anything from either of them, but Parvarti and Lavender were in their own little world and they danced out of the common room before Harry had a chance to say anything.

Reluctantly he left Gryffindor Tower to head down to the dungeons with shouts of "Good luck!" and other well wishes from those in the common room. Most of them thought he had detention with Snape, but he figured Ron thought lessons were nearly as bad as detention. Sometimes they were, but at least lessons actually did him something useful. At least they would if they were doing the usual instead of Occlumency, though Harry doubted he would be so lucky. He still hadn't made up his mind about those dreams of his, and didn't think he would until he had a chance to speak with the headmaster. Not to mention having Snape crawling around in his mind after what had been going on up there the past few months plus how close he had come last time to seeing a particular dream Harry really did not need that man looking at.

He passed a few third year girls heading back to the Gryffindor Tower and, unfortunately, passed by Malfoy and Zabini as he went, too. They just smirked and whispered amongst themselves as he walked on and he was grateful neither of them started anything. The corridors were mostly empty by now, only passing by a few students along the way and he even saw Professor Vector walking by, looking very irritated as Professor Trelawney followed her along, muttering about future misfortune and tragedy. Harry just shook his head and continued on, not noticing the other figure several yards ahead of him, walking in the same direction. Not until he reached the dungeons and was nearby Snape's office did he notice the headmaster a good ways ahead of him, still walking. "Professor!" Harry called out, but Dumbledore turned the corner and continued on without hearing him. Harry was tempted to follow after him; after all, telling Dumbledore about his nightmares was preferable to Snape seeing his dreams.

The office door opened before Harry could make up his mind and he swallowed and glanced up at Snape's sneering face. "It's a thing called knocking, Potter. Please refrain from shouting in the corridors," he snapped, opening the door further and stalking back in. Harry sighed and walked in, closing the door behind him. Snape's back was to him, shuffling around with things on his desk as he began speaking. "Potter. Remind me of what it was we were doing last," Snape insisted and for a moment Harry was confused. Had Snape lost his memory or something? That idea was quickly thrown out. Even if Snape was hurt enough to be out for a week, he doubted he would come back if he couldn't remember things. The way he sounded, Harry just figured he wanted to see if he remembered what they were doing or if he could explain it properly or something.

"Umm…Occlumency, sir. The uhh…A shield against Legilimency?" he said uncertainly.

There was a pause before Snape slowly turned around, cocking his eyebrow. He smirked in a nasty manner before saying, "Is it, Potter?"

Harry paused for a moment before slowly nodding his head, slowly starting to glower at the man. "Yes, it is."

"You didn't seem quite so certain," Snape explained with a shrug, pulling out his wand. "Well then, I suppose we shall see just how much you've been practicing. Legilimens!"

Harry was completely unprepared for the assault as flashes of images ran through his mind. Embracing Sirius when he first saw him at Grimmauld Place. The moment Hermione came into his room to kiss him. Sneaking into the Room of Requirement with Hermione. The dream that had been interrupted last time…Hermione straddling his lap, pulling off his shirt…Harry panicked, but he had no idea what to do. He had to stop it. Harry wasn't sure if he or Snape had ended it last time, but it kept going today, much to his horror. The dream went on as Snape leaned down to kiss him, only lasting a few more seconds before there was a sharp pain in his back. He hissed and opened his eyes, sitting up off of the chair he had fallen back on and pulling it back upright, feeling dizzy for a moment before realizing what had happened. His face burned furiously and he glanced up at Snape hesitantly, seeing the disbelief melt into disgust and then flickered into something…pleased and mischievous that did not settle well with Harry before pulling himself together.

Harry scrambled up and backed away, only to run into the chair again and he stumbled a bit as Snape advanced on him. "Well, well, well, Mr. Potter. I know adolescents are nothing but slaves to their hormones and often enough fantasize about teachers…But me, Potter?" Snape chuckled. "Not only a man, but the professor you and your hooligan friends claim to hate the most? Tsk tsk…there really must be something wrong with you."

Snape was going to hex him. Or humiliate him in front of the whole school. Or something. Harry just kept backing up as Snape slowly approached him until his back half hit the wall and brushed against a shelf of jars and vials. Everything rattled and Snape gripped his arms and dragged him to the side enough to avoid the now still shelf, put the hands remained on him, holding him against the wall. "This is an interesting development, indeed, Harry Potter," he murmured. Harry stood entirely frozen, trying not to let that voice or those words get to him or the feel of warm, minty breath on his face. "Umm…I…" he struggled to say. His brain was melted, it felt like. He couldn't think, and it grew harder to do so as Snape pressed against him. Only a moment later he felt those thin, warm lips on his, before he even realized what happened. Strong arms wrapped around him and held him against the wall. Harry grasped at the front of black robes, neither pulling him in or pushing him away. He was too frozen in shock and fear and disgust and pleasure to do much of anything until he felt that wet tongue flick across his bottom lip. Suddenly Harry was kissing him back deeply, eagerly, unable to help himself. Maybe Snape was right…Maybe teenagers were a slave to their hormones or whatever, but he didn't really care much at the moment. This was, quite literally, a dream come true.

"It appears you're not the only one with sick fantasies, Potter," Snape murmured against his mouth, pressing against him and Harry gasped when he felt Snape's hardness pressing against his stomach, feeling his own pants become unbearably tight at the feel of the other man's arousal. Snape just grinned against his mouth for a moment kissing him more deeply and Harry pulled the man further against him. Some small part of his brain was sending up warning signals, telling him how very wrong this was, recognizing that something wasn't right, but it was hard for Harry to notice that. Not when all of the blood needed in his brain flowing down to his dick. It felt too good to want to stop, too good for rational thinking.

"Stupefy!"

Harry gasped as the strong body against his fell away and crashed to the floor. His heart was racing in fear as he grabbed his wand, holding it up, but almost immediately lowering it when he noticed Headmaster Dumbledore standing there. The man looked confused and slightly worried as he slowly lowered his wand and stepped forward. It took Harry a moment to register the figure behind him walking out of a door Harry had never noticed there before, right behind Snape's desk and right across from the other door Harry had entered through. Following behind Dumbledore, looking equally as shocked and horrified, was Snape. Harry's green eyes grew wide, turning his head down to the floor at Snape and then up and Snape. His legs trembled and any horniness he'd had faded away in place of surprise and fear and traces of embarrassment. For now he was too worried about the two Snapes.

"Well, I guess it wasn't a student who took your Polyjuice Potion, Severus," Dumbledore said, flipping over the other Snape.

Snape raised his eyebrow and stepped forward, grabbing the wand out of the man's robes. "This is Lucius Malfoy's wand."

There was silence for several long moments. Harry stared at the other Snape, slowly registering that it had been an imposter. A very cold feeling crept into his stomach and he felt sick. His heart was still pounding harshly in his chest, but it was slowly calming down as Dumbledore and Snape turned over the body and examined him and the wand for a moment while Snape pulled out a few vials of what appeared to be Polyjuice Potion out of the black robes. Harry swallowed hard and slowly moved off of the wall. "Professors…?"

Snape glared at him, trying to look angry, but Harry could tell the man was shaken up. It was a strange thing to see and it only made Harry worry more. Snape opened his mouth to speak, but Dumbledore interrupted. "Any idea how he could have gotten in? Do you think…Draco Malfoy might have aided him?"

"Perhaps. I know the Dark Lord would be looking to recruit him when he is older…He could very well be giving him these sorts of tasks as a sort of test. Though I am not positive as to how…"

"Yes, yes…I shall have to check the wards and speak with the house elves. I'll need to have a chat with both Misters Malfoy," Dumbledore muttered.

"What do you wish to do, headmaster?"

"I am not yet sure…Harry?"

Harry blinked and took a moment before he was able to speak. "Yes, sir?"

"Were you Imperiused, Harry?" Dumbledore asked gently.

Harry blinked in surprise, feeling warmth flood to his face once again as he remembered what had happened…Being caught snogging Snape and it wasn't even really him. "Umm…No, sir."

"Hmm…Perhaps someone slipped him something. Check him for whatever Potions or spells you can think of, Severus," Dumbledore said and Snape started forward and Harry hesitantly shook his head. "Umm…No, sir…It wasn't…Anything…" he admitted, swallowing hard. Why did he have to say that? He should have just told them he'd been Imperiused! It made a lot more sense than what had really happened…Kissing Snape because he wanted to. He was unable to meet their gazes as the two older men just stared at him a moment in surprise. He glanced away and shifted uncomfortably on his feet, hating the way his face was flushed and hoping it wasn't nearly as red as it felt.

"Hmmm…I don't think there's anything we could have him arrested for. Not that there's much faith to be put in the Ministry these days…Especially not without a serious offense. Not with his connections…" Dumbledore went on murmuring, mostly to himself as he thought things over. "I suppose I'll just have to take him and question him in my office and see what can be done," Dumbledore said, pulling out his wand again. "Mobilicorpus!" The imposter Snape hovered in the air while Dumbledore nodded to Snape and Harry. "Don't worry about this, I'll have it taken care of," he promised. "You should both get right to work. Continue training…Try to be civil. Work hard," he instructed and Harry got the feeling he meant both of them. "After this…We shouldn't take anything lightly," he said with a nod, walking out of the door with the imposter Snape and Harry was almost offended…He hadn't been taking anything lightly! He had been working bloody hard since all of this started! But there were more important things going on than feeling insulted over such a comment.

Lucius Malfoy, a Death Eater, had gotten into Hogwarts. No one knew how. He had seen into his head and he had touched him and Harry had liked it! Harry felt sick to his stomach and he slowly sat down in the chair he had knocked over twice already. Snape said nothing about it. Both remained still and silent for a few long moments as Dumbledore took Lucius Malfoy back to his office.

"Potter…"

Harry reluctantly turned to look at Snape. The man was glowering at him, but he didn't seem to have enough in him to truly be intimidating. Or maybe Harry just didn't have enough in him to feel it. The situation had taken them both completely off guard. Snape looked like he wanted to say more…Harry was sure he wanted to ask him about it. About what had happened. But Snape closed his mouth and shook his head. "Legilimens!" he shouted and without any warning he was in Harry's head. Harry saw the images of the past several minutes play out. Malfoy Sr. (as Snape) seeing that dream of his, then everything that followed right up until Dumbledore Stunned him. Suddenly he was yanked back into reality, slumped back into the chair while Snape turned away from him. "Leave, Potter. We'll continue these lessons tomorrow," Snape said, sounding his usual self.

Harry opened his mouth to protest, but not sure what he wanted or what to say, he closed it before standing up and leaving.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"Severus, settle down."

"Settle down? That…boy…has been fantasizing about me!"

"It is not unusual for young boys…and girls, for that matter…to have fantasies about their schoolteachers. There's nothing we can do about what goes on in his own head! There are more important matters at hand, Severus."

"Of course, Albus," Severus said, nodding his head and slowly sinking into the chair in front of Dumbledore's desk. He still couldn't quite get over the strangeness over what had taken place. Walking in on himself snogging that brat was bad enough without being forced to realize said brat wanted him. Dumbledore seemed to be under the impression he should be flattered by it, though Severus hadn't reacted all that well to that particular statement. He wasn't sure why the very idea hit him so hard or scared him so much, but it did. He didn't even want to continue the boy's lessons, but Dumbledore insisted it was for the best and promised to get those incompetent mongrels to train him whenever possible. "What did happen with Lucius?"

Dumbledore only shrugged. "He won't be a problem anymore," he promised with a smile that didn't quite match that bitterness in his blue eyes. Before Severus could ask more (desperately wanting to know what had become of Lucius Malfoy and how he had gotten into the castle and other such questions), Dumbledore went on. "Mr. Malfoy was kind enough to give me an idea," Dumbledore explained. "He brought up the last meeting. Voldemort wants someone to get close to Harry," Dumbledore reminded him, but Severus already knew all about that brilliant plan. Severus had a sinking feeling he already knew what this was about. "Perhaps, ah, you could volunteer for the job? It would save anyone else from having to repeat (or attempt to) what Lucius Malfoy has done here if you claim the task. And if you can manage to befriend the boy, perhaps it will make both your lives a lot easier with these lessons. You seemed to have been hitting it off during summer. What happened?"

Severus grumbled to himself for a moment. Yes, he remembered how much had changed during summer. How he would actually have civil chats with the little hero brat and actually started warming up to him…Seeing the parts of him that just screamed Lily Evans…The boy's mother and Severus's one and only friend. His best friend. But seeing more Lily than James in the boy and not tormenting him like he always swore he would, the best revenge on James Potter he could imagine, bothered him. He was supposed to hate the boy and Severus had been doing his damned best to resume to his old, nasty ways with the boy. Then the headmaster had to come up with this brilliant plan. "Albus! The boy-!"

"They're only dreams, Severus. I doubt the boy will violate you in your sleep," Dumbledore said, chuckling. "Lucius Malfoy was the one to…ah…violate him. As long as you don't throw yourself at him, I assure you, nothing will go wrong," he went on, that damned twinkle back in his eyes.

"I would never-!"

"I know that, Severus," Dumbledore assured him with a sigh, though he was still smiling and twinkling.

Severus sighed. "Very well. I shall…Mention it…At the next meeting," he reluctantly agreed. "And I'll…Play nice tomorrow, I suppose," he grumbled.

"Excellent!" Dumbledore said happily. "Sure you wouldn't like any tea?"

"No, I believe I shall go to bed now," Severus said, standing up. He deserved at least one good night's sleep before going through with this surely to be disastrous plan. As much as he loathed trying to be friends with that fifteen year old Gryffindor brat, he knew Dumbledore had a point. Better Severus appear to be taking on the task of getting closer to Harry than someone who would actually hurt him and hand him over to the Dark Lord. "Good night, Albus."

"Good night, Severus!"

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	6. We Only Wake Up When We Sleep

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_We Only Wake Up When We Sleep_

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"I really find that hard to believe Severus."

Severus stood tall, yet not arrogantly so. He remained as respectful as he could before the Dark Lord, well aware of hushed whimpers and murmurs all around him. Lord Voldemort was on it tonight. Already so many had been Cruciated, still writhing on the ground in pain. Severus had avoided the torture thus far, but there was no telling when this meeting would end and Severus wouldn't be surprised to be on the suffering end of that curse yet again.

Especially now. He had just finished giving the Dark Lord the requested reports, things Dumbledore had given him to give to the Dark Lord. He had to keep up his duties as a double agent, after all. Once that was settled, Severus broached the subject of being the person he needed to get close to Harry Potter. He was the only one around the boy for extended periods of time. It would be easy for Severus to "get close to him" he thought, resisting the urge to grimace. After what he had seen in that boy's head and in his office, he did not want to imagine what these little meetings of theirs would entail. The Dark Lord, however, was questioning it and Severus couldn't help but raise his eyebrow in confusion, feeling his heart race and trying to calm it down. He was afraid, yes, but he couldn't let it get to him. He had been through this a thousand times before…He was almost used to the pain by now, and the only bad thing about dying would be the Order losing their spy. Maybe fear was the only natural reaction to such thoughts, even if it didn't really matter much to him.

"You and Harry Potter hate one another. I'm sure McNair has a better chance of getting close to him," the Dark Lord snickered.

Severus didn't let himself panic. He figured it wouldn't be a good enough excuse, but he had hoped it might work. He certainly didn't like to ponder the idea of what his only other option might inspire. "Oh, I am not entirely sure Potter loathes me quite as much as he likes ot think," Severus said with a smirk.

"Is that so?"

"Yes, my lord…The boy's been fantasizing about me, apparently."

There was silence for a moment and the Dark Lord seemed both curious and pleased. Knowing it would come without much warning, Severus focused on the fantasy he had seen while digging around in Potter's head, pushing away the part involving seeing himself (Lucius disguised as him under Polyjuice) snogging Potter against a wall.

"Hmmmm…" was all they heard after a moment. The Dark Lord slowly grinned, an evil and malicious smile that caused most to hold their breath, not sure if they should be relieved or more afraid. "Perhaps it wouldn't be too difficult for you to…get close to the boy."

"Of course, my lord," Severus said, bowing his head slightly and almost hesitant to bring up the next part. "I'm not sure I could go too far. I'm sure even Dumbledore would have a problem with me breaking certain school…policies."

"Yes, well, do what you can. Do not disappoint me, Severus…this could be exactly what we need," the Dark Lord said with that same grin in place, his red eyes far too mischievous for anyone to feel any sort of comfort.

"I will not. Thank you, my lord," Severus said, bowing again and stepping back, watching as Avery stepped forward to present his own ideas or worship or whatever it was he had to offer. Severus paid little attention, only listening for anything that might spark his interest, or more importantly, the Order's.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"Bloody hell!" Harry hissed, waking up from yet another dream.

It was only a couple of days ago that the incident involving Lucius Malfoy took place, and everything involving Snape had been particularly awkward. Neither had broached the subject of what had taken place, only focusing on the lessons. Snape didn't even try to taunt him or anything. Dumbledore had informed Harry of what Snape was supposed to start doing, though Harry figured they'd be waiting until some of the tenseness faded away. If it ever did, he couldn't help but think after. It was downright torture being around Snape, feeling so embarrassed, knowing what the man knew and had seen.

He was really going to have to talk to someone about this. This whole thing was worrying him to no end…He'd snogged Snape! Well, actually he had snogged Lucius Malfoy, but he thought it was Snape. And he had liked it. And that little incident had created quite the dream that night. It was a fantasy far more realistic and arousing than any other fantasy he had entertained. It made him wonder even more what it would be like to kiss and feel the real Snape. And he felt bloody mad because of it! Who in the world thought things like this about Snape?

Harry summoned his watch and looked at the time and sighed heavily. He wasn't going to be able to talk to anyone for another few hours, so with a deep sigh he laid back down and closed his eyes. He laid wide awake for at least an hour, thinking of what their next lesson might be like, after hearing what Dumbledore had told him and seeing that particular meeting. He drifted off into more pleasant dreams than those of seeing random, faceless Death Eaters being tortured. He dreamt of just how close he and Snape could get during their lessons.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"I must admit, I am surprised you didn't say anything, Lucius."

Severus eyed his old friend as he brought over two glasses and his favorite bottle of cognac, pouring them both a healthy bit. Lucius slowly sat down, his silvery gray eyes avoiding his old friend. "I figured Dumbledore might have mentioned something," he murmured, not sounding quite himself.

Severus cocked an eyebrow. Dumbledore had mentioned that he had taken care of things, but he never went into detail about what had taken place between himself and Lucius Malfoy. Nothing too pleasant, Severus imagined, by how distant and strange Lucius seemed.

Lucius shifted in his seat, taking a long sip of his glass. "He promised he'd keep Draco safe," he explained quietly.

"From who?" Severus asked before he could stop himself, feeling old anger boil up over the mentioning of the subject. Lucius shot him a dirty look, though he didn't quite seem to have himself in it.

"I don't know whose side to be on. I don't know where it would be safest. My best is on the Dark Lord, but that's just my opinion. But…if I'm wrong…I want to make sure Draco is covered. That he remains safe," Lucius murmured.

Severus had many comments on the tip of his tongue, about fatherly love and how ironic it was he was so worried about Draco's well-being with all he did to him, but Severus kept his mouth shut. He and Lucius had had a bit of a falling out not long ago over a discovery Severus had made just last year during school. Severus was one of very few people who knew Lucius's dirty little secret. Purebloods tended to be rather traditional, and it was very wrong to them to think of two men or two women being together. Lucius spent much of his time at school making a rather colorful reputation of sleeping with every female he could manage. It was all done in denial of the fact that he was much more inclined to men. Severus recalled he and Lucius had been each other's first experience, expressing their true sexuality to one another. Even through him marrying Narcissa on his family's insistence and Draco's birth, they carried on an affair for several years until they came close to being caught. Lucius had grown scared and pulled away. Severus didn't mind…He hadn't exactly been in love with the other man or anything. What did bother him was Lucius falling off of the wagon and instead of finding a proper whore for his denied needs, he was using his own son.

Draco had never quite come out and said it, but between his talks with Draco and confronting Lucius, it was very clear what had taken place. Draco seemed too confused over the whole matter to be upset, but Severus had been furious with Lucius for daring to do that to his own son, Severus's very godson. They had gotten into a fight over it, and Lucius at least had the courtesy to feel some remorse over the whole thing. He doubted Lucius had stopped after that and he doubted he would stop, but at the very least he felt some shame for what he was putting his own son through.

"Hmmm," was all that Severus could manage to say as he downed his own glass of cognac. Such a Slytherin thing to do, wasn't it? Play both sides and hoping one of them was the winner. Severus very much doubted it would turn out to be such a good idea, but he wasn't much for optimistic thinking. If the Dark Lord found out, Lucius, Narcissa, and Draco would all be in a lot of trouble. And what was Lucius going to do when the Dark Lord wanted Draco to take the Mark? Neither side was exactly safe to be on, though, he had to admit. And Severus had every faith in Dumbledore to take care of supposed lost causes.

Severus eyed his nearly empty glass, watching what was left of the cognac slosh around at the bottom, wondering why he had even come here. His mind almost immediately supplied the answer. He wanted to know more details about that night a few days ago that Dumbledore was denying him. He wanted to confront the man about what he was doing to his own son. There was a lot he needed to say to and ask of Lucius. They had been close friends for as long as Severus could remember, but what he had done to Draco was almost unforgivable. For one thing, Severus did truly care for the boy…He had watched him grow up and everything. Then Severus knew very well what it was like to be abused…Maybe it wasn't the same situation…Tobias had never touched Severus in that way. Tobias Snape had, however, hurt his son and his wife. His childhood had been traumatic, to say the least. Severus could see that the situations weren't identical, but he knew he could understand some of it. A parent selfishly using their child in whatever way they wished to make themselves feel better. It didn't matter what excuses Lucius or Draco came up with to make it seem okay (Lucius never hurt him! He was always careful! And Draco had consented to it, and everything!), it was still rape and it was still abuse and no matter how awful Lucius Malfoy was, Severus could still hardly believe he would go so far. He had seen and done many things in his life as a Death Eater, but this situation felt far too personal for Severus's liking.

Just thinking about it made Severus want to leave, but before he could say so, Lucius began speaking. "At least you know where to go if you ever get lonely, my friend," he muttered with a small smile, pouring himself another glass. Severus raised an eyebrow and Lucius just chuckled. "The Potter boy! You've been instructed by the Dark Lord and the headmaster to…get close to the boy and he's been having wild fantasies about you…There's no ha-"

"I'm not you, Lucius," Severus snarled in a low, angry tone that startled Lucius. Lucius gave him a cold look.

"He's not your son," Lucius shrugged, though Severus could tell the comment bothered him deeply.

"He's my student! He's James Potter's son! He's fifteen years old! And I, Lucius, am not desperate enough to take it wherever I can get it," Severus snapped, standing up and finishing the last of his cognac. "Good night, Lucius."

"Severus! W-!" Lucius began, but Severus had already Disapparated.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Lessons with Harry and Snape went on as they usually had the past couple of days. They started off practicing a bit of defense in the cleared living room in Snape's private quarters, the only place the man could think of with enough space to allow them what they needed to do. Knowing what at least part of the man's private quarters looked like didn't help Harry at all with his situation involving particularly unsettling fantasies. Not only did he have the Potions classroom and the man's office to imagine, but the beginning of these Defense lessons had given him Snape's living room to think about. Once Harry was thoroughly exhausted Snape took the time to probe around in his head. They usually did Occlumency lessons in the office, Snape wanting Harry in his living quarters as little as possible, but there was no real reason to move all the way back to his office just for these lessons, especially now that he had orders from two very powerful wizards to befriend the damnable boy.

Harry hadn't improved much in Occlumency at all. Snape got a good view of Harry and Ginny's conversation from a few days ago, involving Hermione still having feelings for Ron. There was a detention with Dolores Umbridge Harry had had when Snape was out for a week, one of his supposed-to-be free nights from these lessons. I must not tell lies appeared in angry red letters on his hand. More making out with Hermione. Flashes of the last Death Eater meeting he had seen that soon melted into the more naughty dream that had followed when he went back to sleep. The moment a very naked Severus Snape appeared in his mind, the connection was broken and Harry stumbled back and caught himself on the wall while Snape rubbed his temples, muttering to himself. Harry thought the caught the word "pervert" in there and Harry couldn't help but blush and busy himself looking around the rooms and anywhere but the Potions master.

There was a long and awkward silence in which neither man looked at or spoke to one another. Harry just stood there, looking around the room while Snape busied himself at a bookshelf. All of the furniture was pushed up against a wall while they had been working and Harry studied everything carefully, imagining what the area might look like with everything set up (Snape usually already had everything out of the way, the time Harry arrived). There was a cream colored rug rolled up, sitting on top of the old dark gray couch. There was a set of matching, dark mahogany coffee table and side tables. On the other side of two of the tables was a very new and comfortable looking chair, a color so dark, so on the verge of black, Harry couldn't tell what it was. It was definitely some sort of color, but if it was dark blue or green or purple or red or orange or anything, he could never really tell. He at least thought of it as every one of those colors at least once, but in the dim firelight that usually lit the room, it was hard to tell for sure and he would feel so silly for asking.

All of a sudden, everything moved. Harry was surprised, but did his best not to jump. Magic may have been something he had been around for a few years now, but that didn't mean it was easy not jumping every time something started flying somewhere. Harry glanced up to see Snape holding his wand as all of the furniture arranged itself nicely in the spacious room. The rug was a lot bigger than Harry originally thought, starting right in front of the fireplace and stretching out several feet. The coffee table sat on top of it while the rest of the furniture was placed just outside of it. "Have a seat, Potter," Snape said reluctantly, taking a seat on the mysteriously colored chair. Harry swallowed hard and nodded, not sure if he was more excited or scared for their little friendly time. He slowly moved to sit on the side of the couch closest to where Snape sat, tensing a bit when he felt the man reach out close to him. Harry turned to watch the hand retreat, but found a small vial of a vivid red liquid on the side table. "Rub it on your hand," Snape grunted.

Harry raised his eyebrows in confusion before he realized what Snape was talking about. He didn't let himself put too much thought into it as he took the vial and spilled a small bit of the potion onto his fingers, gently rubbing it over the visible scar on his hand where Umbridge's evil quill had marked him. The potion was thick and felt a bit gritty the more he rubbed it into his hand. It burned a bit, but no worse than cleaning out a wound with Muggle alcohol. He held the two fingers he had used to rub the potion in up for a minute, not sure where to put the excess before deciding to rub it off on his trousers. He heard Snape snort and he just rolled his eyes, shifting uncomfortably on the couch. The couch itself was fine…Probably one of the nicest, most comfortable couches he had ever sat on…But the entire situation was rather awkward. Harry didn't know what to do or say…They were supposed to talk and play friendly, but neither of them seemed to know where to start.

The burn in his hand seemed to dull and randomly started tingling after a moment. Harry glanced down at the scar which seemed even uglier and redder than before and his jaw dropped a moment before it slowly darkened and the small space over the words turned black and after another moment faded and lightened until his skin was clear, only a few pink marks remaining, showing there had been anything there at all. "Oh…Umm…Thank you, Professor," Harry murmured after a moment, running his fingers over where the scar used to be. It felt very smooth and oddly cold (considering his hand felt warm still). It was a bit sensitive, but all in all he figured it was going to get better.

"You are welcome, Potter," Snape said uncomfortably, then after a moment. "You can take the rest with you, should you need it again. And if you ever need more…Feel free to ask," he offered and Harry smiled softly. He knew this was bound to be hard on Snape…The man was used to being a snaky, evil bastard the majority of the time. Playing nice and social just wasn't very him. Harry almost wanted to offer to leave, but he didn't exactly have a say in the matter. Even if it was uncomfortable for them both, they were going to have to deal with it and find a way to get better about it.

"So…Umm…What color is your chair?" Harry asked lamely, almost immediately regretting asking that question.

Snape raised his eyebrow coolly. "What color does it look, Potter?"

Harry felt heat rush to his cheeks and he couldn't decide if he wanted to glare at the man or not. "I can't really tell. That's why I asked," he replied, struggling not to snap or sound as rude as it was tempting to sound. "It's…Kind of dark in here."

With a sigh, Snape flicked his wand and the room lit up brighter than the usual firelight. Harry blinked, getting used to it for a moment before looking at the chair. It was a deep forest green that seemed fitting, and didn't look nearly so dark or close to black as it had earlier. "Oh okay…I…Just wondered," he muttered, scratching the back of his head.

Awkward silence fell over them again. Harry fidgeted where he sat and tried to ignore Snape. Sadly, he was very much aware of the man…Every movement, every sound…Committing everything to memory and trying hard not to think about all of those fantasies he had had for months now and trying to ignore how nice it had been when Snape (or rather Lucius, actually) had kissed him the other day and how badly he wanted to kiss the real Snape. Stupid teenage hormones. This was the last thing he wanted to think about at all, and especially not in the same room as the man who occupied most of his dreams.

Snape cleared his throat after a moment. "That Umbridge woman is an insufferable wench. That woman's superiority complex is astounding."

Harry couldn't help but grin, staring at his nearly cleared hand for a moment. "Yeah, she is," he agreed, though he wasn't really sure what else to say. He wracked his brain for a moment, not wanting the almost unbearable silence to continue. They needed to have some kind of real conversation work out. "She's awful. I honestly don't know who everyone hates more…You or her," he said teasingly.

Snape smirked in amusement and for once it wasn't at Harry's expense. He allowed himself to relax a bit. "Should I be worried? I am awfully fond of my reputation," the man said smoothly, his own voice betraying hints of humor. Harry swallowed hard and just smiled and nodded, trying not to notice how very sexy the man's voice was or how much he enjoyed listening to the man speak, even if he was being a bastard. It was a horrible thought to even have…No one should enjoy anything about Snape. Right?

"I don't know, sir. I mean, she's only scarring us physically. She hasn't scarred anyone mentally yet, I don't think," Harry assured him with a smile. The man was notorious for scaring younger students and intimidating most people he interacted with. He was mean and awful and pure evil in the eyes of many. Harry didn't quite view him so badly anymore, and while it bothered him sometimes, right now he couldn't find it to care so much about his thoughts and feelings for the man, just enjoying the civility while he could.

"How kind of you, Mr. Potter. It will not get you a better grade in my class, but I do appreciate a bit of sucking up."

"I wasn't sucking up! I was trying to be nice!"

"Exactly. You were trying to suck up."

"That's it. I take it back. Umbridge is the nastiest git alive and you're a…a…fluffy…bunny rabbit."

"…That was highly uncalled for, Potter."

"Sorry, sir," Harry chuckled, pleased to find that Snape hadn't blown up and was actually enjoying this nearly as much as he was. It was almost hard to believe this was actually happening…Sitting in Snape's private quarters, joking around with the man, insulting antoher professor. It was perhaps the most interesting and enjoyable experience of his life thus far.

"As well you should be. I should take House points for that."

"Well as long as you're not going scar me with an evil quill, that's okay."

"It would not do you well to give me ideas, Potter."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Their mouths pressed together desperately as they moved to the bedroom door, doing their best to kiss and walk and pull off each other's clothes at the same time. Black robes fell to the floor outside of the bedroom and a red and gold tie was tossed out just seconds later. Neither had patience enough to take their time. Being around each other as long as they had had been too much, especially now that certain attractions were now known between them. Both men were more aroused than they had ever been and they could hardly stand it. It took only a few more seconds for the rest of their clothing to be tossed aside hastily and without care before they fell onto the bed together. Snape pushed Harry onto his back and crawled over him, pressing their hips together firmly, naked flesh meeting for the first time, their throbbing cocks pressed against each other. Both moaned deeply into the kiss.

"Fuck me," the boy gasped.

Snape just chuckled. "Such impatience," he murmured, trailing his lips alongside Harry's jaw and down to his neck. Harry lay trembling beneath him, clutching at him desperately and moaning and whimpering in need. He couldn't take it anymore. Snape could hardly handle it, either…But he was going to. Long, strong hands trailed over that young body while his lips moved a fiery, wet trail down his small body.

"Now! Please! Fuck me…Now!" Harry gasped. "God! Merlin! Please…Severus…Please…"

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Severus sat up, gasping for breath and grasping his chest, feeling his heart racing beneath his palm. His black eyes were wide, staring around the dark room and reaching over to touch the other side of his bed, just in case. No…That was definitely just a dream. Severus glared down at the tent in the blankets, hating himself immensely for getting aroused by that. How could he even have that sort of dream? About Potter? It was just as unbelievable as Potter having those sorts of dreams about him! Severus had made a good point to Lucius earlier. He wasn't a pedophile. He did not go after young boys or his students or anything like that. It was wrong. It was illegal and against school rules and…Hell, it went against his morals! Everything about ti was so wrong.

He felt dirty enough as it was just enjoying his time with the boy. Once Potter had left, Severus tried to convince himself he hadn't enjoyed it…That it was all an act for everyone who expected it from him. The awkwardness had been horrid, but even worse was actually relaxing so easily around that twit! Now that brat's ridiculous dreams were rubbing off on him. Severus slowly laid back down and glared up at the dark ceiling, almost reluctant to go back to sleep. Glancing at the time, it was half past four in the morning. He had gotten a good three hours of sleep so far…He really didn't need much sleep to be okay, though. He contemplated getting up and busying himself versus trying to go back to sleep. For fear of similar dreams, however, Severus tossed back the blankets and slid out of bed.

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**Author's Note: **I hope everyone's enjoying it so far! Please take the time to leave a review…I would love to know everyone's thoughts on things so far :)


	7. There's No Comfort in the Truth

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_There's No Comfort in the Truth_

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It had been a long, torturous week for Severus Snape.

There was something uncomfortable when learning a student had a crush on you…Or was attracted to you or whatever this was. Seeing Harry Potter fantasize about him in such a manner was confusing, to say the least. He had built up quite the intimidating reputation in all of his years of teaching, and the only student crush he had ever had to deal with was from one of his own Slytherins a few years ago, Maya Scodelario. She began sickeningly sweet to him her sixth year and always brought him special treats and Christmas and birthday gifts and he had been horribly tempted to take points from his own House and give the girl a detention for her lovesick behavior. It was almost insulting that she would be so infatuated with him after all he did to assure his notoriety as the nastiest, most feared teacher at Hogwarts. Now that Umbridge woman was quickly replacing him as everyone's least favorite teacher and the second student in less than five years had some sort of feelings for him.

What was worse than seeing for yourself what sort of dreams your students were having about you, was having dreams about those particular students. Severus was hardly a pedophile. He didn't find children attractive in the slightest. No matter what horrible things people thought about him, he never thought anyone could think him to be some sexual predator. According to most rumors about "the greasy git", he was the most unattractive person these students had ever seen and most were under the impression that he had never had sex before…Unless it involved rape and the first and only student to suggest such a thing had faced a very gruesome and arduous punishment with Filch for the remainder of the year. Severus encouraged most of his dark reputation, but the mere allegations of rape and child molestation bothered him to no end.

Sexual abuse was more Lucius Malfoy's area of expertise, Severus thought darkly. The man was so ashamed of his sexuality he hid it and buried it the best he could, but the moment he slipped up he had the gall to use his own son for his perverse needs. The Malfoys had more money than anyone Severus knew…The man could surely afford a good whore whenever he needed one. Instead he turned to his own son! His flesh and blood! The heir he spoiled and loved and adored…He loved him too much these days. Severus hated his old friend for what he was doing to his own son and had been most offended when Lucius suggested he use Potter's lust for him to his own benefits. He was disgusted with himself for just a dream…The very sort of sexual dreams Potter had been having about him, he had begun having about his student. It was wrong and immoral and what was worse, was his own arousal over such nightmares!

Sadly, it was not the last of such dreams. Just this morning he had suffered through the second dream that week. What sort of man fantasized about fifteen year old boys? Severus spent all morning trying to distract himself with grading papers and terrorizing his students more than usual. The hardest part of his day was his class of fifth year Slytherins and Gryffindors, having to face that child after those naughty images that had run through his head the night before. Every time he glanced at the boy he was reminded of that dream…The way the boy had moaned and writhed against him, touching him and tasting him…Severus swallowed hard and put his attentions on everyone, but Potter. By the end of class, Longbottom looked on the verge of screaming or tears and Weasley had turned so red, Severus wouldn't have been surprised if he exploded. Gryffindor lost more points in that one class than they had the entire week so far…Going a bit overboard, maybe, and he already knew Minerva was going to want a talk with him about it, but Severus didn't care. It was the only thing keeping his mind straight for the moment.

The rest of the day wasn't much better, because Severus knew he would have to face the boy yet again that night for their daily lessons. Before that, though, Severus had asked Draco Malfoy to meet him before dinner. It was about time he sat down with the boy and discussed certain matters. His own confusing and shameful dreams left him feeling angrier than ever with Lucius and more determined to get Draco the help he needed.

"You wanted to see me, Professor?"

Severus glanced up from his test grading to see Draco in his doorway, shooing off the lingering Pansy Parkinson and his two minions. Draco was all charming smiles and confident grace as he strode in, sitting down in the chair before Severus's desk. Draco didn't appear severely scarred by his home situation, but nothing Lucius or Draco thought or said made it okay in any form. Severus already knew this wasn't going to be easy, but he was sure he could help somehow over time…He just had to start now.

"As your Head of House, it is my responsibility to…make sure things are…well," Severus began. He had dealt with similar things many times before as Head of the Slytherin House. Abuse and neglect of all sorts. He had dealt with depression and suicide attempts and eating disorders and teen pregnancies and other issues teenagers could face. He had done this so many times, but it was never easy. Severus found it hard to be comforting or warm or the sort of person people wanted to confide in. He wasn't a social man…He didn't play nice so people would like him or think nicely of him. It made these conversations rather difficult, but despite his issues with getting these conversations going, Severus actually did somewhat care for his students, especially his godson. "If I see any sort of problem, it is my duty to…sort things out and…Anything we discuss, Draco, will stay between us," Severus promised.

Worry and confusion filled the boy's expression for a moment. He could see it in those silvery gray eyes, the moment that concern and uncertainty slowly formed into realization. "Of course, Professor," Draco said calmly, stiffly as he sat up straight in his chair.

"How long as your father been sexually abusing you?"

"He's never touched me," Draco said, doing his best to keep his voice even. He answered too quickly, too easily, and that mild panic was too clear in his eyes. There was none of the accusation or shock that came from children who had actually never been touched. There was none of the panicked, overdone denials of someone first faced with the question. He was too prepared for this and even his eyes betrayed his unease.

"Good," Severus said, though he didn't for one second let anything in his own expression or voice tell Draco he believed him. Draco swallowed hard and avoided his gaze. "If he did, it would be a very…horrible, nasty, immoral thing to do. It is something no one should ever have to go through, no matter what they've done and no matter who their father is," Severus explained carefully. "If anything does happen, feel free to speak with me about it. You would be welcome to stay at school during the holidays and at my home during summer…If anything should happen."

"Yes, Professor. Thank you," Draco said, looking both relieved and nauseated. "Is that all?"

"Yes. You may leave, Draco."

Draco stood and smiled that Malfoy smile of his. "Thanks, Professor. But everything's fine. Really," he said, trying to sound amused by the very idea that he could be violated in such a way. He was so proud, just like his parents. Severus just nodded and watched the boy leave, sighing heavily as the door closed. He knew it wasn't going to be easy getting Draco Malfoy help. A combination of pride and fear was going to keep him down for a while. He wouldn't want to admit anything. He could never admit that the Malfoy family was flawed. He could never admit that his father was a perverted bastard or that he was a weak victim. Image was one of the most important things to that family and unless he thought he was in any real danger, it was going to take a lot to get him to say anything. At least acknowledging that he knew and offering his service was the first step in a long process. To Severus, it was worth it.

"I come bearing good news."

Severus looked up in surprise to see his door now wide open and the headmaster standing there with a small smile. Severus raised his eyebrow and Dumbledore chuckled.

"You've been doing a splendid job with Harry," Dumbledore said and Severus kept his face impassive, betraying none of the emotions whirling up inside of him at the mention of the boy's name. Anger, frustration, confusion, shame. "But to avoid suspicion and to give you a much deserved break, he will take up training with others starting tomorrow for the next few days…Perhaps the whole week! Remus has agreed to help him the next few days, and Kingsley might be able to spare time after, as well," he said with a warm smile.

Severus ignored the small bout of disappointment that plagued him. It was a damn good thing that Potter would be out of his hair, for at least a few days. He didn't like playing nice with Potter; he felt like he was betraying himself by befriending his old school nemesis' son. Then there were those two dreams he had had this week that bothered him to no end. Some time away from the brat would do him some good. "Very well, Albus. A break from the brat would be most enjoyable."

"Come now, Severus. Harry is delightful…He cannot be all that bad," Dumbledore said kindly. "It is almost time for dinner. Care to join an old man?"

"Of course, headmaster," Severus said, nodding and standing up from behind his desk. He wasn't sure what was wrong with him…Sex dreams about a fifteen year old and now some small part of him felt…strange…disappointed that after tonight, he wouldn't get to see the boy for another few days. He was being forced to play nice! He wasn't actually enjoying himself. He had never wanted to warm up to the boy in the first place! It bothered him to no end when he started feeling less hatred for the boy during summer and the moment he started to try to revert back to his old self, this happened! Severus was being forced into doing the very thing he didn't want. Time apart would do him some good, he thought. He could get himself collected and try to figure out just what he was doing to do about all of this. He had very little choice in the matter as it was, he was going to do his best not to make things any harder on himself than necessary.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Harry sank down gratefully into the familiar gray couch when Snape rearranged the living room after their lessons. They focused solely on Occlumency today, Snape said, because he would be training with others for the next week, and none of them would be able to teach him Occlumency. Harry felt a bit disappointed by the news, that he would have to train with others, but after having his head invaded for over an hour and thoroughly exhausting himself, he thought that maybe it wasn't the worst idea ever. He did miss Lupin and Shackelbolt was pretty cool. Since he wanted to become an Auror in the future, spending time with an actual Auror had its perks.

Snape took to sitting in his dark green chair per usual and just like always there were several moments of uncomfortable silence while the two men struggled to find a topic of conversation to start off with. They had bad-mouthed Umbridge and Trelawney a good bit, argued about Quidditch at school and then on to the World Cup, and even shared their views on how downhill the Ministry was going and a shared disdain for Rita Skeeter. Once they got going, things felt more relaxed and comfortable, almost the same way things had started to feel midway through summer. There was a bit of friendly banter and such things and just an overall feeling of ease around one another that Harry had never expected to feel around the Potions Master.

"So, Potter…Tell me about this…arrangement of yours with Miss Granger," Snape said after a moment, clearing his throat and settling down in his chair.

"What?" Harry asked, squirming in his seat. It was more personal a question, and those were the sorts of things they hadn't gone towards yet. He knew a lot of his involvement with Hermione had shown up during Occlumency lessons, especially tonight. With Ron and Susan making out every chance they got and Harry's encounter with Lucius Malfoy, they had been together this week more than they had in a while.

"I know you are not deaf, Potter," Snape said dryly. "Granger obviously and ridiculously has feelings for that Weasley twit. You've been entertaining wild and sexual fantasies about the male gender. Yet the two of you are 'dating'…I was merely asking for an elaboration on matters."

"I don't think that's any of your business," Harry muttered, wanting to sink into the cushions of this couch and disappear entirely. The only person aside from Hermione who knew of the arrangement was Ginny. And neither of them knew of that particular detail that Snape did. Harry hated talking about his reasons for it now, because they had less to do with Voldemort's return and the papers making him out to be a lunatic and had become more about proving a point about things he couldn't even bear to let himself think about.

"It was only a question. There is no need to get so defensive over mere curiosity," Snape said coolly. "You would do well to remember that I am your teacher, and these little chats are for the sake of the Dark Lord not sending anyone dangerous after you and the fact that the headmaster thinks we should get along. Just because I am making an attempt to be friendly does not mean you are now allowed to disrespect me…As if that ever stopped you before."

A long, tense silence followed. Harry gritted his teeth, his heart racing. He wanted to snap and hit something and he wasn't sure if it was just because Snape was being his usual self or because he didn't want to face the very thing Snape wanted him to explain. Snape also seemed hardly happy with how things were going. After a few moments, Harry managed to calm himself down and he shifted in his seat, shrugging his shoulders. "Hermione just…Wants to make Ron jealous and…I just…agreed to help her out, s'all."

"That's all?" Snape asked and Harry was irritated, able to tell that Snape didn't quite believe him.

"Yes, that's all," Harry said, clenching his fists and speaking through gritted teeth.

"Hmm. Are you attracted to men, Potter?"

"What?" he snapped. "Of course not! Are you?"

"Yes."

Another pause followed, a stunned silence. Snape didn't quite seem to believe he had actually just said that and Harry couldn't quite believe he had just heard that. Harry hated the way his heart began to race and the way his stomach flip-flopped excitedly in response. He hated the way his mind flashed back to every memory of those fantasies, struggling to bring up the ones not involving the man before him. Was it normal, then? Harry didn't think so. But Snape, the man who occupied most of his dreams, was. What did that mean? Harry didn't even dare think on it.

"I don't know why I keep having those dreams," Harry said quietly.

"I do not place much faith in deciphering every detail of dreams…I do not ransack books trying to figure out what the rainbow meant or what the cloudy sky meant or what the hippogriffs meant," Snape explained. "But…Sometimes…Your subconscious mind could be trying to tell you something," he said uncomfortably, and just as quietly and thoughtfully as Harry had spoken.

Yet another silence followed their words, but neither seemed to notice much, too lost in their own thoughts. Shaking his head, Harry pulled himself back into reality after a moment. "Trelawney was going on about dreams today. Too bad I didn't pay more attention," Harry admitted with a strained smile.

"Indeed. We all know how useful the information that bat gives us is," Snape muttered sarcastically.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

After returning to his dorms from Snape's, Harry found it nearly impossible to find sleep. It meant he wouldn't have to have any of those dreams, and it gave him plenty of time to do his homework, studying hard to keep his mind off of things that threatened to overwhelm him. He didn't want to think about what Snape said. He didn't want to think about these stupid feelings. He didn't want to think about those dreams. He didn't want to face it. So much for Gryffindor bravery, but there was only so much "The Boy Who Lived" could deal with. Wasn't he a freak enough as it was? He already got so much attention for being The Boy Who Lived and now got more negative attention than he cared for by claiming Voldemort was back and having his character attacked in every tabloid available. Having to be…No, he couldn't even think of it.

"Oh hi. How long have you been up?"

Harry glanced up in surprise at the sound of a familiar voice. He wasn't sure how long he had been in the common room with his books all spread out, but it still looked to be dark outside. Hermione stood at the bottom of the stairs, stifling a yawn and carrying an armful of books.

"I never went to sleep. What time is it? Why are you up?"

"Oh, it's just after five. Decided to wake up early to study for this Ancient Runes and Arithmancy exams," Hermione explained, sitting on the floor by the fireplace in front of him. "It is nice to see that you're taking just as much interest in your grades now," Hermione said, looking honestly pleased by the thought.

Harry just smiled and shook his head. "I couldn't sleep…Just trying to get my mind off of things," he explained, frowning a bit. He should have just let Hermione think he was becoming a bookworm or something. Harry shifted where he sat uncomfortably under Hermione's questioning gaze.

"What's wrong, Harry?" Hermione asked quietly.

Immediately his green eyes darted up and glanced around the common room. No one else was around and it was awfully early. He didn't expect anyone to be coming around, but he really didn't want this conversation overheard. Harry had no idea why he was even thinking of telling Hermione any of this. He had been spending so much time trying to make himself forget about everything and refusing to let himself think about it at all, and he was starting to feel exhaustion from it. He felt the urge to just tell her…To tell her everything and have it out there in the open, even if he wasn't really sure what it all meant yet. It was harder than he thought, trying to keep it all buried inside, denying the truth even to himself. It couldn't hurt to confide in Hermione…He trusted her more than he trusted almost anyone.

"Snape's…Snape's been teaching me Occlumency and…Well, he's seen a lot of things," Harry admitted, glaring bitterly into the fire and tearing at a sheet of parchment, tossing each piece into the flames as he spoke, letting himself get lost in his thoughts as he spoke. "Dumbledore wants us to start getting along better, so we've been chatting after lessons all week and…Tonight he asked me about our arrangement. He saw everything and…He saw…Some dreams I had been having…Umm…Sex dreams…about…" Harry said, swallowing hard and cringing as he finally spoke the word, "blokes. Dreams about men, Hermione! They started during summer and…sometimes I would think about girls, but…mostly just…" Harry shook his head. "I don't know what it means. He asked me if I was gay and…I told him no! But he just kept going on about how my dreams could be trying to tell me something, but I…I can't be. Can I?" he asked, finally daring to look at his friend.

Hermione nodded slowly as Harry spoke, listening to everything he said. Her eyes grew wide when he mentioned the dreams, but she kept quiet until he was done. "Well…Professor Snape might have a point, Harry. You could…prefer men. Or you could always like them both…That's entirely possible, as well. Umm…You could just be thinking more about men since you've been so upset over it and in denial about it, but…I mean, do you…? From the dreams?" she asked, blushing, her brown eyes wide and hoping desperately he caught her meaning.

Harry cleared his throat and glanced back at the fire. "Yeah," he admitted, feeling his stomach lurch as he confessed it. Yes, he got aroused by the dreams. He never touched himself, though. He hadn't masturbated in a while, always too scared to find what he would be thinking of when he did.

"Ahhh…" Hermione said, nodding slowly. "Well, then…I think it's fair to assume that you…might be attracted to men. But you could still be attracted to women, too," she added, reaching over to pat his hand comfortingly. "I don't have a problem with it either way, but…Well, the world can be a nasty place," she said, frowning. "I don't blame you for being so upset over it, but…Well, you can't stay in denial about it, Harry. It just isn't good for you. You could always walk to me about it or even Professor Snape, since he seemed so willing to discuss it. Whatever you decide to do, Harry, just know that I'll always be here for you," she promised.

"Thanks, 'Mione," Harry said with a small smile, feeling both better and worse as he looked down at his torn parchment and a now broken quill. It was nice to have been able to talk to someone and nice that Hermione seemed okay with it, he thought, as he tossed his parchment and quill into the fire. What bothered him was having her admit that it wasn't a very well accepted thing. He was also now more confused than ever…Hopeful that maybe he could like both, like Hermione said, and maybe that would make it better. Confused over what to do about things. Wondering if he should tell Ron. Wondering if he should talk to Snape about it.

"So…That's why you agreed to…to do this with me?" Hermione asked, blushing as she brought up their agreement.

"Uhhh yeah…I mean, I think so," Harry admitted, starting to feel bad all over again. He always felt bad every time he thought about their arrangement. It wasn't fair to Hermione, especially since he had been having those dreams about different people and he wasn't even really attracted to her. He felt like he was using her or something, even though they both made their intentions very clear and he doubted she was fantasizing about him.

"Hmm…Makes sense," Hermione said, flipping open her Ancient Runes book. "Maybe we should stop what we were doing, maybe? I mean…I don't know. It feels wrong, doesn't it?" she asked hesitantly, though she visibly relaxed when Harry slowly nodded in agreement. "And…Well…I'm through hoping it will change Ron's mind. Ginny talked with me about it all this week…Said it probably won't work and…Well…It's not fair for either of us to keep living in denial about things. I need to try to…really move on and you…well, you need to accept who you are. Or accept how things are and try to figure out what it all means," she said with a shrug. "We could still pretend to date for now, if you want…But…Well…"

"It's fine, Hermione," Harry interrupted, smiling. "I think it's a great idea, actually," he admitted, feeling some immense relief that Hermione felt the way that he did and that they could end their strange affair. "We don't have to pretend anymore. You should try to find someone and I wouldn't want to get in the way of that," he teased. "And I…Well, I guess I have a lot of things to figure out," he said, letting out a deep breath and closing his own books. He felt a small reluctance about all of this, part of him wanting to turn back time and have said nothing and continue living on without ever having to think about this. He didn't want to admit that he was attracted to guys. He didn't want to face reality, because he was honestly afraid of where it might take him. He could already imagine the headlines in the papers and the jeers from the Slytherins if they ever found it out.

Harry opened his mouth, tempted to tell her about the particular person who had been dominating most of his dreams lately. He knew he probably should have told her about the whole ordeal with Lucius Malfoy just last week. Green eyes found her lost in her Ancient Runes text, studying hard for her exam. He closed his mouth, telling her he should let her study and refusing to tell himself that he wanted to avoid bringing up that particular embarrassing fact. There was no need to tell her, no need for her to worry. Lucius Malfoy had been taken care of, both Dumbledore and Snape had told him. Besides, his fascination with Snape was bound to end soon enough. Maybe with this new information he could find other blokes to have steamy fantasies about. There were better candidates for such dreams than the greasy, mean Potions professor.

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**Author's Note: **Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to review! I really appreciate it and some of them made my day! Please keep it up, I'd really love to know how I'm doing!

Also, I kept meaning to mention, but I kept forgetting, but I do want to mention the source of the fanfic's title and the chapter titles.

"Lost and Damned", the title of the story, is also the name of a song by Kamelot.

"There's a Way From It All", chapter one's title, are lyrics from the song "Pendulous Fall" by Kamelot.

"Though It's Easy To Pretend", chapter two's title, are lyrics from the song "Careless Whispers" by George Michael (though I'm fond of the Seether cover, myself)

"Full of Broken Thoughts", chapter three's title, are lyrics from the song "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails.

"Now the Dark is Taking Over", chapter four's title, are lyrics from the song "I Will Not Bow" by Breaking Benjamin.

"Tell Me Only If It's Real", chapter five's title, are lyrics from the song "Buried Alive" by Avenged Sevenfold.

"We Only Wake Up When We Sleep", chapter six's title, are lyrics from the song "Save Me" by Avenged Sevenfold.

"There's No Comfort in the Truth", this chapter's title, are lyrics from the song "Careless Whispers" by George Michael.


	8. That Was Just a Dream

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_That Was Just a Dream_

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Harry fell to the floor clumsily, narrowing avoiding the bright light that shot over him. The spell missed, but Harry wasn't able to duck out of the way nearly as gracefully as Shackelbolt usually did. He cringed as his face slammed into the floor, skewing his glasses and sending a sharp pain through his nose. He shook his head and made a move to scramble up, but Shackelbolt was too fast, shouting another spell and Harry found himself frozen, unable to move at all. He might have sighed in frustration or muttered under his breath if he could have done anything. There was nothing more frustrating than not being able to move your body at all and all he really could do was slowly settle down and focus on how sore his entire body felt.

After a moment, Shackelbolt removed the spell and Harry frowned and rolled onto his back and sat up, fixing his glasses and glancing up at today's instructor. Shackelbolt was smiling. "You're getting better. Good to see you're trying new techniques…Don't worry, you'll get it all down in no time," the man assured him.

"I hope so," Harry replied, reaching over to grab his fallen wand before standing up. Every muscle in his body was aching, but he ignored it and stood tall, ready to go again. He wasn't ready to give up just yet…No matter how frustrating it was to not have it all down or how much it hurt, he was determined to learn this stuff, especially since Voldemort was back and Umbridge was the most useless Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Hogwarts had seen.

"Ah, I think our time's up for tonight," Shackelbolt said, putting his wand away. "I have a lot to do for the Ministry and the Order to start tomorrow, but I might be able to stop by again in another few weeks. I think you'll start up again with Professor Snape tomorrow night," the man said. "Though I'm sure the headmaster will let you know for sure," he added with a shrug. "Just keep working on it, Harry! I expect to see a lot of progress next time I'm here!" he said, punching him lightly on the shoulder before heading for the door.

"Thanks!" Harry called after the man, walking back a few steps to press his back against the wall and slowly slide down. Harry liked training with Shackelbolt. He knew a lot and he was very into the physical aspect of things, as opposed to just focusing on the magic. He had taught Harry various techniques for dodging attacks and they worked on strength training, various exercises and such things Muggles used that Shackelbolt had found useful as an Auror. He knew more than most of Harry's "tutors", except for maybe Snape. Snape, to Harry's surprise, knew a lot about a lot of things. Harry could definitely understand why Dumbledore preferred Harry to do most of his training with Snape and Harry was eager to get back to his usual lessons with the Potions Master. This week had been good…A fun, nice change with different people. He had been able to catch up with Lupin the first few days and they practiced a lot of different Defensive spells and useful charms in the Room of Requirement and Harry was starting to really enjoy his time with Shackelbolt and the man's different approach to magic. As fun as it had been, though, he missed his time with Snape…Mainly because Snape knew a lot more and could teach him a lot more, or so Harry told himself. It was the only thing that made sense to him.

What he refused to acknowledge was the fact that something just didn't feel right about being away from the man so much. Snape hardly paid him any attention in class, not even to humiliate him and punish him. He had, instead, taken to terrorizing Neville and Ron more often. Harry didn't enjoy being tormented by the man, but the man was all but pretending he didn't even exist in the classroom and Harry had yet to decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing. All this week, though, with hardly any contact with the man, it felt like a very bad thing indeed. He had almost been tempted to knock over his cauldron or spill something over Malfoy's head or something big that would get the man's attention and earn himself a good old detention. He doubted being a pest was going to help the man's opinion of him, though, and he knew that training was more important than anything else. If he got detention he would be taking time away from his lessons and despite all of the hard work, Harry was actually enjoying them.

Resting was nice, too, Harry thought, just sitting against the wall for several moments, waiting for his heart rate to slow back to normal and his mind settled down from that exciting buzz. His nose was still throbbing a bit, but it wasn't bleeding or anything. He had a few bruises in various places on his body from being knocked down or falling down on his own accord so many times, but that seemed to be the worst of it. He pulled a small vial of light blue liquid from his bag and took a careful, small sip of it - a painkilling potion Snape had started brewing for him after his first few weeks of lessons. He wasn't too badly injured, but he figured it didn't hurt to take a small bit to get rid of these aches and pains; he didn't want to have to explain various grunts or hisses of pain or why he was limping or any of that to his House mates.

After a few more minutes of his little break, he finally stood up and slid the vial back into his bag and shouldered it, sliding his wand into his robe before finally heading out and checking his watch. It was a little past curfew…He hadn't known it was so late and he was sure to walk as quickly and quietly as he could, keeping a sharp eye out for any movement, hoping to avoid everyone he could and mentally berating himself for not thinking to bring his Invisibility Cloak along with him, just in case something like this happened.

"How is it that I am not surprised to find you out and about breaking rules? You can hardly keep control of yourself involving any other situation, why not break curfew, as well?"

Harry turned in surprise to see Snape right behind him, a lot closer than he expected to find him. The man's close proximity sent a shiver down his spine and he licked his lips, glancing up at his professor, though he didn't feel as annoyed as usual by Snape's harsh words or tone. "Practice ran a bit late. Sir," he explained.

Snape raised his eyebrow. "They are not real classes, Potter. If you had been keeping track of time like any responsible person you would have known when it was time to get back to your rooms," he replied coldly, though no trace of his tone's hostility was present in his face. Harry was confused for a moment until he saw movement from behind Snape. "That'll be detention tomorrow night, Potter. Yet again, you seem incapable of keeping yourself out of trouble for longer than a few days. I-"

"Practice? It's a bit late for Quidditch…Where's the rest of your team, dear?" came the sickeningly sweet voice in the tiny, pink-clad form of Dolores Umbridge, stepping up beside Snape.

"Ummm…I was doing a bit of practice on my own…Since I've had so many detentions lately," Harry lied quickly, resisting the urge to glance at Snape again and instead keeping his eyes focused on the vile woman in front of him.

"I have handled the matter, Dolores," Snape informed her coolly.

Umbridge froze, her smile becoming tight and her eyes flashing harshly in annoyance. "Of course, Severus," she replied and glanced Harry over a moment before spinning around and stalking off. Harry watched her go while Snape stood in front of him and went over the details of the detention, where to be and what time to show up…The usual routine and the usual time and place of their lessons, Harry already knew.

"Thank Merlin," Harry mumbled quietly once Umbridge was out of earshot. He tried not to chuckle at the annoyance that spread over Snape's face.

"Watch it, Potter. I am not opposed to giving you a real detention on top of everything else, if you keep up," Snape said before turning and walking off. And somehow, Harry wasn't scared or annoyed by the suggestion or anything. He just smiled to himself and continued walking to Gryffindor Tower.

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"You are not trying hard enough, Potter!"

"Yes, I have!"

Snape snorted and continued his slow circle around Harry. The man was so close to him and had been the whole time they had been practicing. Harry wasn't great at Occlumency, but it was particularly difficult to clear his mind when Snape was circling him like that, their bodies brushing now and then, all too aware of those dark eyes boring into him. "How is it, Potter, that you can claim to be putting effort into this when you have, somehow, become worse? You are making this far too easy. Ho-"

"It's kind of hard to focus when you keep doing that!"

"And what is it that I am doing that is making you an even more inept Occlumens than usual?"

"You're too close…It's distracting!"

Snape chuckled darkly. "And you think the Dark Lord is going to respect your personal space, Potter?" he hissed, stepping up behind Harry and Harry froze, feeling the warmth of the man's body so close to him. He felt those thick robes press against him and hot breath on his neck and he forgot how to breathe. "Legilimens!" Snape whispered into his ear and the man was in his head again…Every memory that flashed to the forefront of his mind were his fantasies, all about the man right behind him. Everything from giving Snape a blowjob in Dumbledore's office while the headmaster stepped out to being shoved against the wall during these lessons to being bent over Snape's desk during detention…Harry gasped when Snape pulled out of his mind, stumbling back against the man. Snape caught him, his hands holding Harry's sides, and neither man made a move to step away.

"You have to do better than that," Snape murmured, stepping closer, and Harry became very aware of the uncomfortable tightness in his pants and feeling something hard pressing against his lower back. Harry's eyes grew wide when he realized that Snape was just as turned on by the images as he was.

"I-"

"I know it's hard, Potter," Snape whispered, sliding his hands down and Harry swallowed hard, feeling heat rise to his face as he wondered if Snape was still talking about Occlumency. He was all too aware of the man's strong hands resting on his hips, mentally uring the man to move them closer to the bulge in the front of his pants.

"Sh…Shouldn't you be…helping me…then?" he managed to ask, his voice quiet and raspy, his bright green eyes lowered and only watching those pale, potion-stained hands resting on his body.

"I've been helping you," the man insisted, his voice quiet and filled with half annoyance and something deeper and lower that Harry couldn't quite identify. The sound of the man's voice made his cock throb eagerly and a shiver rolled down his spine. He felt the man's thin lips ghost across the skin of his neck. Harry licked his lips and tried to remain as still as possible, too afraid that any movement would make the man stop. Those beautiful hands slid over to the front, resting just above his arousal, so close and yet not close enough. Instead of moving lower, the hands moved upwards, pushing underneath his shirt, cold fingers trailing softly over his stomach. The muscles in his stomach twitched and he shivered again, though he knew better than to think it had anything to do with the iciness of the man's touch. Those hands pressed against him, pulling him back closer against the taller man's body. "I will continue to help you only if you truly want it, Potter. I would loathe to waste my time and efforts where they are not appreciated," he murmured against Harry's skin. Merlin, the man was driving him crazy! Everything he was doing felt so good, but Harry knew it could be better and he desperately wanted more.

"I do appreciate it," he managed to say, though his voice cracked and he struggled not to embarrassingly moan as he wanted to, even if the man hadn't really done much yet. "I really want you…Your help, I mean," he whispered.

"Hmmm," was all Snape said before pressing his lips against the side of Harry's neck, trailing his lips and tongue all along his skin slowly while his hands explored Harry's stomach and chest beneath his shirt. Every touch left his whole body feeling on fire…A very wonderful, beautiful fire, despite the coldness of the other man's skin. It was impossible to remain still under these conditions and Harry squirmed eagerly beneath the man's touch, pressing back against him as much as possible, pressing back against Snape's hardness, causing the man to groan. Harry was afraid to do too much, enjoying what Snape was doing to him too much to risk doing anything that would make him stop. He wanted to beg the man to touch him, but forming the words was almost impossible and all he could do was moan and whimper as Snape slowly moved to put his attentions on the other side of his neck as those hands continued their slow trail over his skin.

"Mmm," Harry hummed as Snape's lips moved along his jaw and Harry slowly turned his head, allowing the man to kiss along his cheek and press against the corner of his mouth before finally the man pressed his lips deeply against Harry's. Harry kissed the man back eagerly, finding the position a bit awkward, but he didn't care. He wanted more, but Snape retained control over the entire situation, keeping the movement of their lips slow and deliberate until Harry felt like he was drowning in the kiss. He almost didn't notice the downward movement of those hands until he felt them pressing under the waistband of his pants, fingers inching closer to his hot, needy flesh.

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"OW! Ugh! Sorry…Sorry…"

Harry woke up with a startled gasp at the sound of yelling and banging. His heart was racing as he sat up in bed, watching shadows move along the curtains around his bed and he heard one of his dorm mates creeping across the room, probably heading to the bathroom or something. He heard sleepy mutterings and loud snores and he laid back, breathing heavily until he managed to calm down and once his head was clear, he felt frustrated. It was just about to get good! He glared down at his aching hardness and sighed heavily.

Good part, Harry thought, shaking his head. There wasn't any good part about sex dreams with Snape.

Harry eyed the tent in the blankets for a moment and swallowed hard, listening to the room. Everyone seemed to be asleep…Was he really thinking about doing this? Harry shook his head and laid back down. He really should try to get more sleep, but the urge to wank off was strong. Sighing heavily, Harry slowly pushed down his pajama pants and his boxers and hastily wrapped his hand around his member. Harry swallowed hard, feeling so weird and embarrassed about the idea of wanking off to that dream about Snape. He tried thinking of different girls…Cho was always good. He used to like her and he figured he was still attracted to her. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on her, but that stupid image of Snape kept popping up. He slowly began moving his hand up and down, tightening his grip and trying to force the image of Cho and himself in detention together in McGonagall's office to stay put. She'd kiss him and he'd kiss her and she'd start to take off his shirt, but somehow that stupid dream about Snape kept coming back. This was annoying…Someone shouldn't have to put this much focus into masturbation! Having to admit he was kind of attracted to guys was bad, but having to admit to himself that he was attracted to the greasy bastard was going too far. It was frustrating that he couldn't stop thinking about that git long enough to get off! Sighing heavily in frustration, Harry was tempted to just pull his pants back on, but he doubted that was going to solve his problem. Maybe if he thought about Dumbledore naked his problem would go away. He tried that tactic, trying hard and failing miserably to conjure up the image of Dumbledore's pale, wrinkly, naked body. Even if he could get the man's face and beard down, the rest of the image was too hard to picture and that stupid, stupid scene with Snape kept coming back up.

"Bloody hell," Harry muttered to himself and shook his head, picking back up the pace of his hand, just allowing his dirty, filthy mind to wander back to Snape. Where had he been in the dream? Oh yeah…Snape's hand reaching down, teasingly trailing his fingers along the side of his shaft, the man's thumb rubbing over the head of his cock, smearing pre-cum around it. Harry's hips jerked and he moaned quietly, losing himself in that all too perfect fantasy. He was pressed back firmly against Snape, kissing the man deeply while his hand worked just as slowly and firmly as his lips. His arms reached behind him…The position was strange, but it was hard to pay much attention with Snape's hands working him expertly. Those cool fingers trailed back down him before firmly grasping him and Harry groaned deeply into Snape's mouth, grasping any part of the man's body or clothes he could, pouring all of his desire and pleasure into the kiss. No matter what passion he put into their mouths, Snape always seemed to have him beat, that kiss alone making Harry feel completely dominated by the man in a completely wonderful way. Snape's hand gripped him firmly, slowly moving up and down his shaft, steadily picking up pace.

He was vaguely aware of someone else entering the dorms, probably Neville or Seamus or someone returning from the bathroom. Harry bit his lip hard, trying not to make many sounds, but the nervous squeak and quiet mumbling (Yeah, it was Neville) let Harry know that he was discovered, but he didn't have it in him to care at the moment. Another bed squeaked and curtains were hastily pulled around it while Harry went back to fantasizing about Snape's hands jerking him faster and faster while his own hand worked himself quickly, his hips bucking up into his hand, desperate for release.

"You're almost there, Potter," Snape murmured against his mouth and Harry could almost hear and taste the man, as if he was really here. Harry groaned in response. "Cum for me…Come on," the man urged, kissing him again. Harry bit his lip harder, not wanting to alert any more attention to his situation than need be, grunting and groaning quietly as he came, long spurts of semen wetting his hand and an exposed part of his stomach and he could even feel its warmth on his shirt. Harry let go of his softening cock, breathing heavily for a moment as his heart raced and that beautifully blissful post-orgasmic feeling settled over him.

Merlin, he'd just wanked off over Snape! There was something seriously wrong with him. Something very, seriously, horribly wrong with him. He had to be a very sick individual, he decided, and sighed as he grabbed his wand and cast a quick cleaning charm over himself before pulling up his pants and rolling over, trying to ignore that strange relief that flooded through his body, overriding that shame and sickness over what he had just done.

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There was something to be said about a guy (or anyone, really) who would masturbate thinking about Snape. Something very awful. That person would have to be a sick fuck, right? Harry could only imagine what could be said about someone wanting more. Harry told himself all morning that it was stupid and he only did it because he kept having those dreams about the man, but he wasn't really attracted to him. He would have more dreams about different blokes, but even having Lupin and Shackelbolt train him the past week, Snape was still the one entering his mind during those sorts of dreams. Now Harry had given up trying to deny it altogether and spent a great deal of Potions class the following day watching the man. He tried to be inconspicuous about it, a few glances here and there…He studied those beautiful hands that had brought him so much pleasure in last night's dream and the way the man walked and tried hard to will down his growing erection when the man addressed the class in his low, sexy tone.

Someone had to have poisoned him or something, he swore.

Hermione and Ron had to snap him out of it several times and midway through class he had given up on trying to make a good…whatever it was they were making. He didn't even bloody know what they were making! He just continued chopping things and tossing them into his cauldron now and then to avoid much suspicion. He could hardly stop himself from paying too much attention to the Potions Master and found he didn't even care enough to try denying it at the moment.

"Harry!" Hermione hissed. "You're not supposed to add the-! Wha-…Ahhh…Oh…" Hermione mumbled and Harry blinked and glanced at her, trying to figure out what was going on. He only caught a glimpse of the surprise on her face before she ducked her head back down to work on her own potion and Harry's stomach twisted, wondering if Hermione had noticed what he had been doing or not.

"POTTER!"

Harry jumped at the sound of Snape's voice booming throughout the room and stiffened when he felt the man's hand wrap tightly around his wrist. "Please refrain from blowing up my classroom, Potter. This class has seen enough damage due to Longbottom's incompetence," he snarled, dragging his arm over to where the other ingredients were and Harry slowly loosened his hand so that whatever it was dropped back onto the table. "Don't even bother finishing, Potter," the man snapped before stalking off. Harry just sat there, blushing furiously, his eyes narrowing at the man's back as he walked back to his desk. There was snickering, mostly from the other side of the room where the Slytherins sat.

"Awww, he's probably sad because the Mudblood dumped him!" a female voice whispered loudly enough for most people to hear.

"She probably dumped him because he's so stupid. Can't even-"

"Shut up, Parkinson! Greengrass!" Ron snapped.

"Weasley! Focus on your potion before it becomes as useless as Potter's and Longbottom's," Snape snarled at him.

Ron muttered under his breath and Harry just shook his head and glared at Snape again, though the professor paid him not attention. The man was a complete and total arse. He was horrible, Harry reminded himself and turned to glare at his stupid Potions book for the rest of the class time, refusing to even glance at Snape for the remainder of time they had. When everyone else went to go place their potions on Snape's desk, Harry got up and immediately left the room as quickly as he could, feeling a bit more angry than perhaps necessary. He had always known Snape was a git…Snape wasn't any worse than his usual self and he had stopped Harry from blowing up his cauldron. It was the first time in a while, though, that Snape had called him out in class and then listening to Ron mutter under his breath about what a greasy bastard Snape was…How on Earth could Harry be having those kinds of dreams about a man like that? Harry stormed down the corridors aimlessly before remembering he had Transfiguration and sighed heavily before turning and practically running to class to avoid being late. He was not going to have those dreams about Snape anymore, he told himself determinedly. It was disgusting, he reminded himself. Snape was disgusting and he had to be mental to be attracted to that arse.

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"You are not trying hard enough, Potter!" Snape scolded.

Harry swallowed hard, trying not to let himself be reminded of that familiar line from his dream. "Ugh…I-"

"I do not care to hear your excuses," Snape said, shaking his head. The man wasn't being nearly so harsh as he could be, but it still got on Harry's nerves that he was scolding him like this and acting like this. "You need to focus, Potter. The Dark Lord is not going to sit around and wait until you are good and ready before he tries to invade your mind! It does not matter how stressed you are or how tired you are or how angry you are. Learn to control yourself."

Harry felt heat rise to his face at the mention of it. He had been trying to control himself, though maybe not necessarily in the way Snape meant. Harry shook his head and gritted his teeth. "I'm sorry for not being perfect right off the bat," he snapped.

"We have been going at this for weeks," Snape said impatiently. "What microscopic progress you have managed to make is gone now. Control your emotions! Guard your mind. Keep me out. Legilimens!"

The images that flashed through his mind were humiliating. More of his fantasies again, including the latest one. Himself masturbating over the mental picture. Watching Snape in class today. Harry panicked the moment he saw the Potions classroom and pushed as hard as he could to force the image away. He stumbled back, but stayed standing, breathing heavily as he caught a glimpse of Snape's slightly flushed face, the shock and the shame and a few other things Harry couldn't quite place. Aside from his fears and embarrassment, Harry was pleased he managed to get Snape out, but Snape only said, "You let me get in too far. Legilimens!"

"Protego!" Harry shouted angrily in response, raising his wand.

New imagines flashed through his mind, but these memories were not his own. Snape was yelling at Lucius Malfoy about what a disgusting pervert he was, molesting his own son. The scene switched to another between Snape and Malfoy Sr., Malfoy telling Snape to use Harry's desires to his advantages and Snape's insulted refusal. It flashed again to something else, Harry and Snape naked on the gray couch, touching and moaning. Harry never got the time to see exactly what was going on before he felt himself slam into something hard before crumpling onto the floor. He had hit the wall. Harry scrambled up, his head spinning in too many directions to think straight. He rubbed his head and glanced up to see Snape's face red and fuming. "OUT, POTTER!" Snape ordered.

"Wh-…Wait! I-!"

"GET. OUT. POTTER! LEAVE BEFORE I THROW YOU OUT MYSELF!" the man screamed.

The man's tone and posture frightened Harry who immediately stood up and scrambled out of the man's private quarters and into Snape's office. He shook his head and turned around, watching the door disappear into the wall. Harry blinked furiously and leaned back against the wall, waiting for his pulse to calm down before doing anything. Snape had looked scarier than Harry had ever seen him. Harry shook his head and mentally berating himself for running out like a little girl or something. Snape couldn't really do anything too bad to him…He was a teacher and he was supposed to be helping him and protecting him. Even more strange was what he had seen…He and Snape naked…In Snape's thoughts. And what was all of that about Draco and Lucius Malfoy? Harry shook his head and slowly pushed himself off of the wall and left the office, his mind racing and spinning in too many circles for anything to make sense at all.

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**Author's Note: **Thank you so much everyone who reviewed! I really, really appreciate it a lot! Keep 'em coming! I love hearing back from my readers! Also, the lyrics from this chapter are from "Losing My Religion" by REM.


	9. Interchanging Mind Control

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Interchanging Mind Control_

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There was nothing Severus wanted more than to scream at the boy…To deduct points and give him so many detentions, he'd still be serving well past his graduation from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And it was all because the boy was looking at him.

Even with his attention elsewhere, Potter's draught was still closer to the real thing than Longbottom's. The vivid red needed was only seen in Granger's cauldron, but what else could he expect? He almost wanted to take points from her for being too smart, but he didn't need Minerva and Albus on his case for that. Everyone else's was at least red to some degree, though not as bright as Granger's. Potter's was a dark pink color while Longbottom somehow managed to make his dark, navy blue with pink smoke and purple sparks shooting up now and then. Severus just sighed, many insults on the tip of his tongue, but his mind scattered when he felt those emerald green eyes boring into him once again.

Severus didn't dare look back. He didn't dare breathe a word to Potter. In fact, Severus was doing his best to avoid getting within three feet of the boy. He felt so foolish, acting so cowardly about this whole thing, but Severus honestly had no idea how to handle the situation. Things had been strange enough with him warming up to the boy over summer without learning that the boy was fantasizing about him. What was worse than that were his own now and then dreams of the boy that made him more ashamed than he could remember being. It made him almost feel hypocritical for being so harsh on Lucius for his behavior towards Draco. The very worst of it was Potter actually seeing his dreams! There was no way he could teach the boy anymore. In fact, he was seriously considering having the boy removed from his class. The boy was so abysmal in Potions it would give him a valid reason for such a request…No, no it wouldn't work, Severus thought with disappointment. Merely being bad wasn't a good enough reason to get rid of a student. He had tried the past few years to get rid of Longbottom and he hadn't had much luck there so far.

He glared at the time on his pocket watch and resisted the urge to sigh heavily. Ten more minutes was far too long to endure this. There…He felt it again. Those eyes on him, watching him as they had the past few days. Only Severus noticed it more today after the events of last night. He wasn't the only one…Severus glanced coolly around the room, determined to look everywhere but at Potter…He couldn't help but notice the anxious looks Granger kept shooting Potter, then shooting towards him. Her face flushed and she quickly returned her attention to her perfect potion. Severus gritted his teeth. Just great. Potter was being so obvious people were starting to notice! Well, Granger was. The girl was bright and far more perceptive than most students, but it was still disturbing to him that Potter was allowing anyone to notice his inappropriate behavior!

"Longbottom!" Severus snapped, eager to burn off some of his frustrations and get his mind off of Potter. "Kindly put out your fire and step slowly away from your cauldron before you blow up my classroom. Again.

"S-Sorry, Professor," Longbottom grumbled, looking somewhat relieved as he stepped away from his work. A certain failure.

"Now get out of my class!" Severus snarled. "And fifty points from Gryffindor for attempting to destroy my classroom."

"B-But, s-s-sir!"

"OUT!"

There was an outraged murmur among the Gryffindors who all (but Granger, her nose buried in her book) glowered at him, including Potter. Severus sneered and glared right back at the boy. "If you care to lose more points, by all means, carry on," Severus threatened. They all looked thoroughly miserable, but they had the right mind to shut up. Severus felt some satisfaction, smirking as his Slytherins snickered. Even more pleasing was that look of pure anger and hatred Potter was shooting at him. Yes, yes…That's much better, he thought to himself. It was better than the brat practically drooling all over him.

"I expect a sample on my desk," Severus announced a few moments later. "I also expect a twelve inch essay on guessing just where Longbottom went wrong," he continued, glowering at the bubbling dark blue liquid in the boy's cauldron. Slowly the students came up to his desk with a vial of their potion which Severus checked, eying the color and sniffing it and determining just how awful of a job they had done. Granger, unfortunately, received the highest marks. One by one he checked the potions, a sinking feeling as he realized Potter was taking his sweet time cleaning up his station and scooping up a sample of his work. Severus focused on the work at hand, hoping Potter wasn't actually doing this…But he was. Everyone had gone the time Potter walked up to his desk, placing the vial down beside him.

"A very poor attempt. Even Weasley managed better off than you," Severus snorted, tapping his quill against the side of the vial, the pink goo inside jumping around at the light touch. Severus raised his eyebrow and Potter just coughed. Severus didn't dare look at the boy. "A D, I think. That's being very gracious."

"It's not that bad," Potter muttered while Severus jotted down the grade.

"You may go, Potter.

"I want to continue my lessons.

Severus froze and glared up at the boy for the first time, hating that look of cool confidence on Potter's face and those small traces of anger still lingering in his voice and his green eyes. "I think not."

"Why n-"

"You've faced the Dark Lord alone before, boy, you can do it again! I will n-"

"Sir, I'm sorry! I'll forget I saw anything! I-"

"You think I want to spend my time with some adolescent boy drooling over his professor the entire time! You can hardly focus in Potions without your mind falling into the gutter. I see the way you have been watching me, Potter. It is truly pathetic."

"From what I've seen, I didn't think that would be too much of a problem for you!" Potter shot back.

Severus felt his eye twitch. A moment of silence followed in which Severus glared at the boy and Potter stared defiantly back. "Get. Out."

To his surprise and relief, the brat turned and stormed out, muttering about greasy gits and ugly bastards under his breath as he left. "I did not think that was a problem for you, Potter!" Severus called after the boy mockingly just a second before the door slammed shut. Severus slowly sank back into his chair and eyed the potions on his desk. He wanted to hit something. He wanted to throw every last vial against the wall and throw his books to the floor and have a proper vent for his anger. Severus remained composed, however, as fourth year Huffelpuffs and Ravenclaws began filing in. He picked out the good potions and put them away and flicked his wand to get rid of the rest. He was too controlled a man to let himself get worked up by Potter…Or at least too proud to let himself act out on such frustrations. He refused to let that brat get to him. His next class with the boy was going to be a real treat, he thought bitterly to himself. No Potter was going to get the best of him, and it was about time Severus returned to treating the boy like the arrogant little snot he was!

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"Harry! Harry! We need to talk!"

Harry stopped and turned towards Hermione, sighing at the sudden giggling and murmuring all around him and Hermione blushed as she jogged over to him, coming to a stop. "Erm…Back off, you lot! This is none of your business!" Hermione snapped before grabbing Harry's arm and pulling him off. He had just gotten out of his last class of the day and was looking forward to a good dinner before Quidditch practice, but Hermione was insistent and continued dragging him down the corridor, despite his protests. "This is important, Harry!" was all Hermione would say before they finally found the Room of Requirement. "Perfect!" Hermione said, looking relieved as she stepped in. It looked like it normally did when they came in, only without the bed.

"This is as private as we're going to get, I think," Hermione said with a nod before rounding on Harry. "You have like Professor Snape!"

"I do not!" Harry snapped defensively, feeling heat rise up in his face despite himself. Bloody hell, Hermione was too smart for her own good.

"Please don't lie to me, Harry," Hermione said impatiently. "We're friends! Oh Harry, I wish you would have told me!" she sighed.

"There's nothing to tell!" Harry shot back at her…Which wasn't a total lie. There wasn't much to say about the situation. He was having continuous sex dreams about Snape and…Oh, it was more than that, Harry reminded himself, feeling more heat flame through his body at the memory of Snape's dream. Harry couldn't ever get his head to wrap around that properly, and most days wondered if it wasn't just his own dream…But with Snape's behavior last night and today, it was hard to fully believe that.

"Oh, Harry…You really need to stop," Hermione said anxiously. "You're underage! And he's a professor! You could get expelled and he could get fired and sent to Azkaban! I really th-"

"Wait, what?" Harry interrupted, eyes wide in surprise.

"You know what I'm talking about, Harry!" Hermione said angrily. "You're having an affair with a professor!"

Harry just stared at Hermione for a moment, not sure if he should laugh or correct her. She didn't seem to be joking, though, and Harry shook his head. "Hermione, I'm not sleeping with Snape! What gave you that idea?"

"Well, for starters we've already established you like men. Be you gay or be you bisexual," Hermione explained. "Then…Well…You've been staring at him, Harry! And not glaring or anything, but staring at him…That look you give him…Merlin, Harry," Hermione said, turning a bit pink as she shook her head. "Then he's been treating you differently! He isn't horrible to you anymore…He's been avoiding you! And then you have all of those lessons together, in private…In his living quarters! Well…You're really not involved with him?"

"Of course not, Mione!" Harry said, unable to stop himself from laughing. He couldn't' believe Hermione actually thought he and Snape had been sleeping together! Harry didn't mind breaking rules, but that was one he didn't even dare cross. Even if he was attracted to Snape, he had no idea why anyone would act on it without fear of suffering a few hexes and curses. Then even if Snape was attracted to him, Harry doubted he would act on it, either. Snape was certainly doing a good job of pushing him as far away as he possibly could. The Potions master had made it very clear that what Harry had seen was not going to do him any good. "I just…I do…I think I might be…Attracted to him. I mean…I've been having a lot of…those dreams about him," Harry admitted awkwardly. "He saw them one day and…Yeah. That's why he's being all weird."

Harry wondered for a moment if he should have mentioned what had happened with Lucius Malfoy, but he decided against it for now. He definitely was not about to bring up what he had seen from Snape. Despite his own irritation with the man, Harry didn't want to get him in trouble any. More than anything he wanted to find some way of getting back into those lessons. For the life of him, however, he couldn't decide if it was because he knew he needed the lessons or because he enjoyed being around the man.

"Ooooh," Hermione said, looking mildly surprised and relieved. "I'm sorry, Harry," she laughed sheepishly. "That's good, then. As long as you don't act o-"

"Hermione, I may be reckless, but I'm not entirely stupid," Harry laughed. "Can you imagine what Snape would do if I 'acted' on my feelings?"

"Goodness," Hermione giggled. "You're right. I'm sorry I'm so silly…It's just…Well, I already explained what I thought," Hermione said, waving off her comments. "So…How do you feel about him? Is it just…?"

"Attraction? I don't know. He's a complete git, but…I really don't know what I think or feel about him right now. And I don't think I want to know…It's not like it's going to do me any good," Harry said with a shrug. Even if he did like Snape or was attracted to the man or whatever it was, it wasn't like anything could or would happen. It was better to just leave it alone, Harry figured.

"Hmmm…Alright. Just be careful with staring in class," Hermione said teasingly.

"Oh c'mon…Not everyone's as smart as you are, Hermione," Harry reminded her with a grin. Honestly, though, he knew it was probably a good idea. Snape had noticed and maybe other people might notice, too. Some part of him, though, didn't really want to stop. He found he enjoyed staring at the man way too much for his own good.

"If you say so," Hermione said, shaking her head. "Well, I suppose we can go ea-Harry?"

Harry hissed in pain, clamping his hand down over his scar. The last time it had hurt was at the end of his first week of detention with Umbridge. The pain was sharp and slowly faded away into a slight tingling sensation. "Agh…Just m'scar," he muttered, rubbing the sensitive flesh delicately.

Hermione frowned. "M-"

"Let's go eat," Harry interrupted, shaking his head and walking out of the Room of Requirement to head to the Great Hall. He found he wasn't very surprised that Severus Snape was not seated with the other professors.

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"Crucio!"

The group watched Walden McNair fall to the ground, screaming in pain. Some attempted to look bored by the entire fiasco while the majority did nothing to mask their anxiousness and their terror, all in awe of the Dark Lord and all fearing him. McNair wasn't the first, or the last, to face the Cruciatus Curse that evening.

It was a little early compared to their usual meetings, held when the sun had fallen and the night was black, so most of the first tortures had been latecomers. They made excuses for their lateness…They couldn't leave right away, they couldn't blow their cover, etcetera. The Dark Lord tortured them anyway, and Severus didn't doubt he would have tortured them if they had come right away and had risked their covers. Luckily classes were over and Severus had been on his way to dinner when he felt the Dark Mark burning his flesh. He watched with little amusement as old friends were cursed, mentally preparing himself for when he was called upon. This whole mess with Harry Potter was going to get him into trouble, he imagined, though he figured he could lie his way through it and go to Dumbledore or someone and try to find a way out of this assignment of his. He knew it wouldn't' be an easy task, but nothing he did for the Order was ever easy.

Maybe it would just be easier to continue his lessons with Potter. Dumbledore wanted them to be on friendlier terms and the Dark Lord wanted him close to the boy. It would be hard, though, to face the boy after everything. Severus had done a lot of bad things in his past and had spent over a decade trying to repent for his sins. Maybe he wasn't the most heroic man alive, but he did like to think he had some morals. He wasn't interested in killing innocents or raping women or seducing children or torturing for the sheer joy of it. He wasn't like many of the vile, twisted souls he stood among. It was for that reason that those few dreams he had had of Potter left him very disturbed and very desperate to get away from the source. He was sick with himself over the matter and now that Potter knew about it…Severus couldn't even begin to imagine what was going through the brat's mind right now.

"Severussss," the Dark Lord whispered.

"Yes, my lord?" Severus said, stepping up and bowing down before the most horrible creature of them all.

"How are things coming along with Potter?"

"Slowly, my lord," Severus admitted. The Dark Lord frowned deeply and Severus went on calmly. "It could take some time, my lord. I am doing the very best I can with the brat, but…We have quite the history of loathing one another. I do not imagine it will be incredibly difficult to earn his trust, but I fear completely changing around the boy would not only be suspicious to him, but to others. I wish to work quickly for my lord, but I would rather succeed in this attempt rather than spoil it completely with haste."

"Mmmm," said the Dark Lord a moment, eying him. "Crucio!" the Dark Lord hissed and Severus cringed and doubled over in pain, letting himself hiss and grunt in response. He had dealt with the Cruciatus Curse many times and as loathe as he was to give the Dark Lord the satisfaction of his pain, he knew it was smarter to do so. Luckily the Dark Lord didn't hold him as long as the others and the curse was lifted after only a few seconds. Severus stumbled back a bit, though he quickly regained balance, his breathing ragged. "See that as…incentive to do your very best."

"Yes, my lord. Thank you," Severus said, bowing and slowly backing back out as Lucius was called forward. The Dark Lord was certainly set on this…Damn him and his brilliant ideas, Severus mentally berated himself. Getting out of this would be tricky, if not impossible. Severus stood, lost in thought, his black eyes watching the spot where every Death Eater was called to stand by the Dark Lord. If Dumbledore wasn't so set on the two getting along, perhaps he could arrange to have Dumbledore forbid him from being around the boy. In fact, Severus thought, maybe that was exactly what he could do. He wasn't too keen on the idea of sharing his secret with anyone, but he was sure Albus would agree that it wasn't good for him to be around Potter with such confusions. And if Albus forbade him from spending time with Potter, it would make it even harder for him to get close to the boy and hopefully the Dark Lord would drop his plan…

No…Severus doubted he would forget his plan. He would probably assign the task to someone else. Perhaps he would speak to Lucius or any of the others with children at Hogwarts to try to befriend the boy. Severus doubted it would work, but it was still dangerous to be having instructions given to Hogwarts students. The small flare of hope he felt died away.

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After the meeting, Severus returned to Hogwarts and headed towards the headmaster's office, just as he always did after the meetings. There wasn't much to review. Not much new information to give…Only the Dark Lord's displeasure with the group and some secret the Dark Lord was bragging about that he would share with them "in due time."

"So how are things with Harry, Severus?" the old man asked with a polite smile and a knowing look in his blue eyes that made Severus sigh in exasperation.

"What has he told you?" Severus demanded, feeling irritation well up inside of him, just thinking of that brat telling Albus what he had seen.

"Only that you refuse to teach him anymore. He asked if Remus or Kingsley could come around more often since you ended the lessons. He claims to not know why…So why, Severus?" Albus asked quietly.

"That…brat…continues to have inappropriate dreams about me! And he's been…ogling me in class! I cannot get through to him if he continues to drool over me every time we are in the same room. I think it good that he knows there is no hope for anything of that nature to occur."

"I don't believe he ever thought there was," Albus replied calmly. "We already discussed this, Severus. It's natural for a boy his age, with rampant hormones, to have such dreams and it certainly isn't unusual for them to be about professors."

"I remember, Albus. That does not mean he is any easier to work with."

"What is the real reason for all of this, my boy?"

Severus scowled at the old man. He read people too easily…While he didn't know all of Severus's secrets, he could at least normally guess when he was lying. Severus…A spy, an actor, a master Occlumens, and he couldn't always hide things from Albus Dumbledore. It was sadly too hard to remain properly agitated with the wizard. "I do not wish to discuss the matter. I simply do not want to be around the boy anymore."

"But you must," Albus said seriously. "Voldemort expects you to get close to him and he must be prepared, Severus. No one else has the time, talent, or experience that you do."

"Flattery will get you no where, Albus."

"It wasn't about flattery, Severus. It is the truth. I need you to understand why I need you to do this. I would not ask this of you if I did not believe it was for the very best. Unless you can tell me your reasons are more important than this war, I fully expect you to continue Harry's lessons."

Severus gritted his teeth. "You do not seriously believe that my socializing with that arrogant brat is that important to the cause."

"I do," Albus said sternly, his tone leaving very little room for argument.

Severus did not understand why it was so important that he teach Potter and that he befriend the boy and warm up to him. Severus couldn't help but feel as though Albus and the Dark Lord were conspiring against him in some way, though realistically he knew that thought was beyond ridiculous.

Despite his own uncertainty on the whole matter, Severus slowly nodded his head. "Very well, headmaster. I'll resume the boy's lessons within a few days," Severus agreed, standing up. Albus followed suit, looking no happier than Severus felt.

"Thank you, Severus. I assure you…This is for the best," Albus said.

Severus nodded curtly and turned to leave the headmaster's office. He needed a drink…A very strong drink, he thought to himself. He was displeased, but determined to go through with this. Just because Severus didn't understand the importance of it, didn't mean Albus wasn't right. Albus normally was right about most things, he thought with some bitter amusement. He very well wasn't going to let some personal matter get in the way of what he had been working towards. He wasn't risking his life as a spy, going to the Dark Lord every time he called, just to let the plan all fall apart because he couldn't deal with Potter and his own strange dreams. They were just dreams, Severus scolded himself. He was not going to let Potter get the best of him, he reminded himself. Nothing was going to get in the way of the Dark Lord's downfall. Severus wasn't eager to work with the boy again and was at least going to wait a short time to get himself back under control with the situation. He was going to make a few things very clear, he told himself as he headed back down to the dungeons. And he was going to make sure that brat saw victory before long…He wasn't doing this for nothing and would personally bring the boy back from the dead and strangle him to death if he failed.

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**Author's Note:** Not my best chapter, but I wanted to get something up for everyone! I won't be updating as quickly as I would like to. Between school, a job, and my laptop breaking, it's harder to get computer access and get things done. I will update as often as I can, though! Please review! Anyway, song title are lyrics from "Uprising" by Muse! Thanks everyone who's reviewed so far!


	10. Memories Seem to Fade

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Memories Seem to Fade_

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"Potter. Stay after class."

Harry glanced up in surprise at the Potions master as he poured the day's potion into a vial, swallowing hard. Harry had gone to Dumbledore when Snape said he wasn't going to be giving him any more lessons. He figured Dumbledore would need to know, in case he had to get other people to come help him, but most importantly he was hoping Dumbledore could help make Snape go back to teaching him. Snape was a complete git, and Harry had no idea why he was so anxious in hoping Snape would go back to being his usual teacher, but it was all he had been thinking about for days. Besides, Snape knew a lot…A lot of things that could be useful to Harry.

Somehow, Harry felt nothing but dread as the other students lined up to hand in their potion for testing. He leaned back against a table and ignored the look Hermione was giving him as she walked up with her O worthy concoction. Was the man going to yell at him some more? Harry figured the only real reason Snape would ask him to stay was because Dumbledore had gotten through to him, but Harry wasn't nearly as excited as he thought he should be, considering this was what he wanted. He was sure that even if lessons did continue, they would be worse than ever after everything. Harry wasn't sure he should dare hope for the long, civil conversations they had been having recently afterwards. Harry had to admit, he missed those.

Once all the others left, Harry slowly walked up to Snape's desk, confused when Snape held out his hand. There was a moment of silence and Snape slowly raised one eyebrow. "Potion, Potter," Snape said and Harry glanced down at the vial in his hand. "Oh, sorry," Harry muttered, handing over his potion for inspection. He shifted awkwardly on his feet, looking all around the room as Snape eyed the potion and sniffed it, wrinkling his nose and writing down on a piece of parchment. "Potter, this is awful even by your standards. Sit down."

Harry sighed and pulled up a chair to the desk and sat down while Snape flicked his wand to roll up the parchment and sent it across the room. "You are steadily becoming the new Longbottom, Potter. Would you care to explain why your already abysmal grades have been declining?"

This was about his grades? His stomach sank and he felt disappointed that it wasn't about renewing his lessons, though he was a bit surprised Snape was approaching him about his bad grades. "Ummm…."

"No statement that starts with 'um' can be an intelligent one," Snape muttered and Harry flushed angrily, glaring at the man.

"I-!"

"I don't want to hear your pathetic excuses," Snape cut in, holding up his hand. "I know very well why you're doing so badly. You spend the entire class period ogling me like some lovesick fool. Whatever is going on in that thick head of yours is your own business, but you should not let your ridiculous feelings and fantasies disrupt your schoolwork, especially in classes you already do poorly in," Snape explained. Harry clenched his fists, a million and one comments on the tip of his tongue, just waiting for Snape to say something about it. "I am especially loathe to reinstate our lessons with you acting such a fool."

Harry blinked in surprise, anything he had in mind to say falling away. "What?"

Snape sighed in irritation. "Are you truly this daft, Potter?"

Harry's eyes flashed angrily and he opened his mouth to speak, but Snape quickly cut in. "What I am saying, Potter, is that the headmaster insists that I give you these extra lessons, but I will not continue to do so if you let this silly little crush of yours get in the way of not only these extra classes, but my Potions class, as well. D-"

"Oooh. Does Potter have a crush on teacher?" came a mocking voice from behind him.

Snape's black eyes narrowed dangerously and Harry gasped and jumped out of his chair, spinning around to stare wide-eyed at Draco Malfoy. The little prat was smirking victoriously and Harry panicked, turning to Snape who addressed the blond boy in a cold voice. "Draco, learn how to knock before I am forced to take points from my own House," Snape snapped, causing Draco to look startled. "You heard nothing. If you need to see me, come back later. I need to finish my discussion with Potter."

"O…Okay, Professor," Malfoy muttered and Harry relaxed a bit, a bit surprised by the boy's reaction. Looking more confused and surprised than anything, Malfoy turned and walked out of the room, closing the door.

"He-!" Harry began.

"Won't say a word," Snape said sternly and Harry just glared at him. He was getting tired of not being able to complete a thought around here. He was also unable to belief that Malfoy was really not going to say anything.

"I wouldn't count on it," Harry said coldly, pacing behind his chair.

"Sit down, Potter," Snape commanded. Harry only stopped behind the desk and glowered at him. He couldn't possibly like this man, Harry told himself. Why had he wanted to resume these lessons? It was a really awful idea. Snape was such an arse! Harry could hardly even imagine fantasizing about the man right now, let alone anything more than that. At least this answered that stupid question Hermione had asked days ago. There was no way Harry had any sort of feelings for this git! "Sit down," Snape repeated sternly.

"I don't want to."

"Stop being childish!"

"I'm not being childish! I just don't want to sit down! I want you to make sure Malfoy doesn't go around telling everyone what he just heard!"

"He will not say a word."

"Of course he will! He's just as much of an arse as you are!" Harry snapped.

"Potter-"

"You're right, Snape. I don't know what I have to worry about! No one would believe anyone had any feelings for an ugly, evil git like you anyway!"

"Of course not. Only the best for their golden boy," Snape said dryly.

Harry stood there, breathing raggedly while his heart raced in his chest. He was still fuming and he started pacing around again, waiting for Snape to say or do something. Snape only sat there, though, watching him. Harry couldn't read that look in his eyes…He didn't know if there was fury there or calm or anything. Harry was too furious and worked up to notice anything. Slowly, though, the lack of a reaction forced him to calm down and he did so reluctantly, hesitating a moment before sitting back down in the chair.

Snape didn't take points or give him a detention or order him out or anything. He only stared at him with a look of forced calm and was silent a moment before finally speaking. "We will meet tonight after dinner."

Harry nodded stiffly and grabbed his bag from the floor and headed to the door.

"One more moment, Potter."

Harry froze in front of the closed door, feeling himself getting worked up again, expecting some nasty remark from the Potions master.

"Draco will not say anything about what he heard today. I would appreciate it if you would do him the same favor."

Harry quirked an eyebrow and turned to stare at Snape in confusion. Snape only stared at him for a moment before explaining. "I know what you saw other than…Than that particular dream the last time we practiced Occlumency. My conversations with Lucius Malfoy…What was discussed between us is a personal matter and I hope you have not said anything…Though by the fact I have not heard anything about it, that you must have kept your mouth shut. Merlin knows how gossip runs through this place," Snape murmured. "I would appreciate it if you would continue to keep the matter private."

Snape was giving him such a serious look, almost on the verge of pleading, if Harry dared believe it. He wasn't entirely sure what to make of the man's expression. He also didn't know what to make of the man's words…Not for a few moments. Finally, though, it dawned on him as he remembered all of the memories Harry had seen from Snape's mind. It wasn't just that delicious fantasy involving the two of them, but heated conversations with Lucius Malfoy about his perverted ways….Harry had never put much thought into the conversation until now. It had never really mattered until now…Now that he thought about it, though, his stomach lurched as he realized what it meant. Lucius Malfoy was molesting his own son? At least that was what it seemed to Harry.

"Of course, Professor. I would never say anything about that," Harry said seriously. Harry could hardly imagine anyone being so horrible, even a Death Eater. He felt sick to his stomach just thinking about it and did his very best not to. Merlin, it was going to be hard looking at Malfoy now…How was he supposed to act normal around Malfoy, knowing something like this? Harry wouldn't tell, though…Harry had enough respect to not do anything like that.

Snape didn't look entirely convinced, but he nodded anyway and Harry left the room with too much on his mind.

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Poor Harry had a detention with Umbridge before dinner and then lessons with Snape right after dinner. Snape focused on teaching him defense and neither made any mention of Occlumency. After their last disastrous lesson, Harry figured it would be a while before they practiced any more Occlumency. Harry was surprised when Snape offered him a seat after their lessons and Harry slowly sank down into the familiar cushions of the gray couch while Snape took his usual seat in the nearby green couch. Harry definitely didn't think they'd be continuing their friendly chats, but found he was immensely grateful for it. All of the anger he had been carrying around for Snape all day didn't seem to matter in light of his surprise and pleasure over the matter.

"I see you've landed yourself into a spot of trouble with that foul beast of a woman again?" Snape inquired, nodding to Harry's sore right hand. He had been particularly off with his defense today, mainly because holding a wand was difficult with his hand being so sore. Harry looked down at his hand, still throbbing in pain, still curled up in the most comfortable position he could manage with it. "Did you run out of the solution I gave you?"

"Yeah. It didn't take long to get through it," Harry admitted sheepishly. He landed himself in detention far too often for anyone's own good. Angelina was furious with him for missing so many Quidditch practices because of it and Harry hardly had time for anything between Umbridge's detentions and his lessons with Snape. He almost wanted to use that as an excuse for him doing so badly in Potions, but that conversation was long over and Harry knew very well Snape had been right.

Snape tsked. "You really ought to be smart, Potter. I know it's quite the feat for you, but I have every confidence you can muster up enough brain cells to keep out of Umbridge's way," Snape said, standing up and walking over to a cabinet. Harry might have been angry over Snape insulting his intelligence yet again and annoyed by yet another person telling him to be careful around Umbridge, but something about the fact that Snape cared enough at all to warn him about it made him feel too pleasantly surprised to feel any of those negative emotions.

"Has nothing to do with brain cells. I just have a knack for getting into trouble, s'all," Harry said with a grin. Snape made a noise and Harry liked to think that man had laughed and it made Harry smile a bit more, though he fought to hide it as Snape turned back around and carried over a vial of the red potion he had given Harry before and Harry took it eagerly and dribbled a bit onto the back of his hand and he rubbed it in, hissing at the way it burned and tingled at first before finally settling down and feeling better after several minutes, a bit longer than it had taken last time.

"That woman does need to be put in her place," Snape muttered to himself, sitting back down in his chair. "Though I highly doubt a fifteen year old boy is enough to do the trick. You're in bad enough shape with the Ministry as it is, Potter. Making it worse for yourself is not doing anyone any good, you realize. The more you go against her, the more you are making a bad name for Dumbledore and every one of his and your supporters. Do not give them any reason to do any worse than they already have," Snape warned.

"I didn't know you cared," Harry said teasingly without really thinking about it. Almost as soon as he said it he froze a bit, not wanting to bring too much attention to himself, though he glanced warily at Snape who had frozen, as well.

"Contrary to popular belief, I am not a completely heartless bastard," Snape muttered, shifting ever so slightly where he sat. "Though you'd do well to keep that to yourself."

"No one would believe me if I told them, anyway," Harry said weakly, trying to keep his tone as light and joking as before. At least Snape hadn't snapped at him or anything like that. "I believe it, though," Harry added after a moment.

"I am touched," Snape drawled sarcastically, though he looked highly uncomfortable and Harry cleared his throat, feeling a bit awkward as he shifted in place, as well.

For a while they sat in silence. Harry wasn't always sure what to say. He knew he had a lot of questions he wanted to ask. He wanted to know more about the situation with Lucius and Draco Malfoy, but he figured it wouldn't go over very well if he asked Snape about it. He also concluded that discussing the dream Harry had seen in his memories also wouldn't go over very well. Eventually Harry brought up the topic of Quidditch which led to a lighthearted debate over athletics versus intelligence in which Snape made a comment about not believing Hermione was friends with dunderheads like Ron and himself and Harry threatened to tell Hermione that Snape was saying nice things about her and Snape retorted that he would hand Harry over to Umbridge the next time he did something even slightly wrong. After about an hour, the two men found themselves laughing and enjoying one another's company way too much. Harry hardly thought anything of it until Snape suddenly turned serious and his laugh turned into a cough.

"I think it would be best if you would return to the tower now," Snape said quietly and Harry opened his mouth in protest, but was at a loss as to what to say. He only nodded after a moment and stood up, feeling very strange as he left the dungeons. He felt like he was in a dream…Or just waking from a dream or something. It was still so strange to Harry that he could sit and enjoy himself around the Potions Master he had hated for so long. What really got to him, though, was the fact that Snape would seemingly pull away every time they started really enjoying themselves. Was it so wrong to actually maybe become friends or something? Harry found it strange to picture himself as friends with someone twenty years older than him (though the age difference wasn't too strange to imagine sex with the man, a voice in his head argued), but even being on friendly terms with the man or even to not hate each other as much or something couldn't be too awful, could it?

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"Severus, is it really so awful to enjoy Harry's company?"

"Yes, Albus! Yes. It is."

Albus chuckled. "Severus, the entire point of this is for you two to get along."

"I do not care to warm up to the boy, Albus!"

"I am well aware," Albus said, his voice both amused and impatient.

"As long as we are not cursing one another at every turn, I do not see what it matters."

Albus was quiet for a moment. "What's really going on, Severus?"

"Nothing!"

"Then why are you so opposed to getting along with Harry? There must be some reason for it."

"There is not."

"Come now, Severus."

"I merely do not wish to be on good terms with the son of James Potter!"

"That rivalry was so long ago, surely you can't still be-"

"He's her son! She died for him! He's the reason Lily's dead, Albus!"

Albus frowned deeply and sighed. Severus sank back into his chair, feeling restless and overwhelmed and not entirely sure what his true reasons were for being this way. Lily had been his best friend…The only person who had ever really cared about him and one of the few people Severus himself had ever cared about. Severus had resented Harry for a long time. He resented Harry for living when his mother had died and he had hated Harry for being the reason Lily had died. He hated Harry for being the son of his old school nemesis. He hated him for looking so much like the boy who had made his school life hell. What he hated msot of all was the fact that he didn't really hate the boy anymore…It felt like an insult to himself and to Lily's memory to not despise the boy for all that he was.

"Harry didn't kill her, Severus…Lily-"

"Yes, yes, I know…Her sacrifice," Severus grumbled, feeling his heart jerk and clench at the very thought of the woman he had loved. He felt disgusted with himself…More so than usual just thinking about her. "Her choice. And she's still gone. And he's here! I hated him for so long for living when she died. I hated him for being the son of James Potter! I despise that I can no longer loathe him the way that I used to and I try damned hard to sometimes. Hating him is a lot easier than anything else, Albus! I've even started having dreams about the boy!"

Severus's eyes grew wide in horror while Albus's blue gaze only seemed mildly surprised. "Dreams?" Albus questioned curiously and Severus wanted to bite off his own tongue to prevent anything more from slipping out. He was feeling emotional with the mention of Lily coming up, but that was no excuse. He had to be better than this!

He leaned slowly back in his seat, his body loosening up a bit as he looked away from those intense blue eyes. He would admit nothing. He would get up and leave before these damned emotions led him to do more damage.

"What do you think?" Severus muttered quietly, glaring down at the floor. He felt nothing like himself right now. Ever since he had had that damnable dream about Potter he felt like he was losing it. Maybe he was going insane, he thought bitterly. That was the best explanation for those ridiculous nightmares and his body's unnatural reaction to them.

"Sexual dreams?" Albus questioned hesitantly. Severus cringed and Albus slowly nodded his head. "Ahh."

"Ahh?" Severus snapped, anger flashing in his dark eyes as he turned his glare upon his old friend.

"Calm down, Severus," Albus said gently. "It was only a dream," he said carefully. "You aren't invol-"

"Albus!" Severus exclaimed, horrified. He felt himself panicking. He knew he shouldn't have said anything. "I woul-"

Albus raised his hands and Severus slowly quieted down, eyeing the man in anger and horror. "I did not mean anything by it, Severus. I only mean to point out that having such dreams is not wrong. Perhaps they were in response to being around Harry so much and seeing so many of his own, similar dreams," Albus said simply. "And as long as you are not touching him, you are not doing anything wrong."

Severus nodded slowly, letting himself calm down. It was just a dream…He had seen that brat's ridiculous fantasies and that was why he had had those sorts of dreams himself. There wasn't a very good excuse for the fact that he got aroused by such visions, but he figured that was only his body's natural reaction…Maybe it had nothing to do with those dreams at all. Maybe it was just a regular ole morning wood with bad timing.

"There's nothing to worry about, my boy," Albus assured him with a smile. "Now, do you think it might be easier for you to befriend Harry? He could really use everyone he can get on his side."

Severus wasn't too sure about that. Even when he told himself it would be okay, he still found it hard to make himself completely comfortable with playing nice with the brat. He found himself nodding despite himself. It wouldn't hurt to try, he assured himself. At least convinced that his recurring dreams meant nothing he would feel more at ease around the boy. At least he wasn't a complete pedophile like he had been feeling for days now. There was nothing wrong with him at all.

Even feeling more relaxed all night, assuring himself that everything was fine and normal, he still felt very disturbed as he woke up with another hard on from yet another dream about bending Potter over his desk.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**Author's Note: **Okay here's another chapter! It's not much, but I promise it'll get better soon! Please review! I'll love you lots! Chapter title lyrics from "Buried Alive" by Avenged Sevenfold.


	11. Open Your Heart

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Open Your Heart_

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"I'm sorry, Lily."

The young woman in the picture just smiled up at him. Her emerald green eyes were wide and sparkling like they always did. She was nineteen in the picture. Vibrant red hair was done up in a messy ponytail with several strands of curls loose around her beautiful face. Full, pink lips were spread wide over bright white, straight teeth. She was grinning at the camera, hugging a bouquet of bright yellow roses close to her chest. Severus liked to imagine he had given them to her instead of Potter. Severus had stolen the picture from Godric's Hollow shortly after James and Lily Potter's death, one of very few pieces of his first love and best friend he had left.

"I love you."

He set the picture back down on his desk and ran his finger along the edges of another…A young boy with stringy black hair, blushing and smiling awkwardly at the camera with a cute red head with light freckles grinned brilliantly with her arms thrown happily around him. Lily and Severus, best friends, age thirteen. His jaw clenched and he struggled to keep a hold of himself as tears filled his black eyes.

He killed her hissed one voice in his head.

No, she died for him, sighed another voice. Can't let her sacrifice go to waste, Severus. She loved him. She loved him enough to die for him.

Severus swallowed hard and leaned back in his chair, pulling out another picture. It was Lily on her wedding day, sitting in front of a mirror and turned in her seat to face the camera. She was laughing and she would wave at him now and then, her smile turning sad. He watched her twirl a while lily in her fingers, now and then placing it in her red hair before plucking it back out several minutes later, just like she normally did.

"You're son has a crush on me," Severus snorted, sighing as Wedding Lily raised her eyebrow, her smile slowly fading. "I'm not sure why. But he's been watching me…I can see it in his eyes and it disturbs me," Severus murmured. "What's worse are my own reactions…Sex dreams! About a boy!" Severus exclaimed and Wedding Lily's expression turned shocked, her hand freezing as it went to spin the white flower around again. "You must be disgusted with me. I'm disgusted with myself," he whispered. "I do not quite understand it…I loved you, Lily. I will always love you…So I cannot possibly understand why…" Severus growled, trailing off and shaking his head, slowly setting down Lily's picture. Everything he had of her was set up all across his little desk in his private chambers, in one corner of his bedroom. Every picture of her. Every letter she had written him and even notes they had dared to pass in class. There was even a small stack of Muggle fiction novels she had given him over the course of their friendship.

"He's a lot like you, you know," Severus whispered, resting his elbow on the desk, careful not to cover any of her pictures as he leaned down, sadly staring down at the pictures, some still Muggle photographs and a few moving Wizarding photos looking up at him curiously. At his statement, all of the Lilys smiled and Severus smiled softly back. "Brave and loyal…Caring," Severus murmured. "And he has your eyes."

Harry Potter was a lot like his beautiful mother and not nearly the arrogant snot his father had been. Severus had been wrong about Harry, though he didn't like admitting that, even to himself. Maybe that was why he was warming up to the boy so much…Maybe it was even why he had that dream, Severus told himself. He was like Lily. The excuse made him feel both better and worse. His stomach churned and Severus sighed, picking up the pictures gingerly and putting them away. He loved looking at Lily, but with recent developments it became almost unbearable to look at her. His best friend. The only person who had ever truly cared about him. And here he was, having these ridiculous dreams about her son. Attracted to her son! Severus blanched at the thought and shook his head.

He loved Lily, he reminded himself. As wrong as the whole situation was, that fact made it doubly as horrid. He had loved her all these years…Had been protecting that boy for her! Yet here he was, having these dreams about her own son! Thinking about him more than he used to. It was very disturbing indeed. Severus eyed his bed warily, exhausted but too worried about what might come if he went to sleep. He could go another night without sleep, he told himself. He could take a potion to keep himself awake and it would last him through the day and he would be fine. He couldn't continuously do it, he knew, and he frowned as he reminded himself of that fact. It would be worth it, though, to get what he could out of it. The fewer dreams about Harry he had, the better.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"So…Harry…"

Harry looked up from his parchment, midway through the third sentence in his Potions essay. He had been working on this for a half hour and only had not even finished the third sentence. Harry sighed and looked up, blinking in surprise at the anxious stares Ron and Hermione were both giving him. Harry shifted uncomfortably under their looks. "What?"

Hermione cleared her throat. "Well, Harry…You've been really busy with your lessons with Snape…Which is good! Don't get me wrong…but, well…Ron and I have been…We've been talking about it while you've been gone. And well…Umbridge is a horrid teacher! And…We think…We think that maybe we should get someone to teach us how to defend ourselves! You-Know-Who is back…The Ministry is willing to turn a blind eye to it and put our lives at risk to save their own image! And well…I don't think it's right. So maybe we can get someone to help a select group of other students to…To help us out. So we know how to survive against him and his Death Eaters.

Harry smiled thoughtfully. "That sounds great! Only…Who would teach us? I mean, anyone I can think of is in the Order and they'll all be busy with other stuff…And Dumbledore can barely find people to help train me as it is….What?" he asked, noticing the anxious exchange of glances Hermione and Ron shared.

"Well, Harry…Ron and I were thinking you could teach us," Hermione said.

There was a moment of silence where Harry glanced from Ron to Hermione, who seemed to be bracing themselves for his reaction. After a moment, Harry slowly grinned. They had to be joking. "But I'm not a teacher. I can't-"

"Harry, you're the best in the year at Defense Against the Dark Arts," said Hermione.

"Me? No! You-"

Hermione immediately shook her head and cut in. "Don't turn to me. I make amazing grades, but you've scored higher than I have sometimes…Third year, especially, with Lupin…He's the only real Defense teacher we've had! And even if it's not grades, look at what you've done!"

"What d'you mean?"

"You know, I'm not sure I want someone this stupid teaching me," Ron said to Hermione, grinning. He turned back to Harry, looking as though he were trying to think. "Uh…first year-you saved the stone from You-Know-Who."

"That was luck! That wasn-"

"Second year, you killed the basilisk and destroyed Riddle."

"Yeah, but if Fawkes hadn't tur-"

"Third year, you fought off about a hundred Dementors at once-"

"You know that was a fluke. If the time tur-"

"Last year, you fought off You-Know-Who again-"

"Listen to me!" Harry said loudly, almost angrily. Ron and Hermione were both smirking now, which was only worse. "Just listen to me, all right? It sounds great when you say it like that, but all that stuff was luck-I didn't know what I was doing half of the time! I didn't plan any of it. I just did whatever I could think of and I almost always had help-"

His friends were still smirking and Harry felt his temper rise; he wasn't sure why he was feeling so angry.

"Don't sit there grinning, like you know better than I do," Harry snapped. I was there, wasn't I? I know what went on, all right? And I didn't get through any of that because I was brilliant at Defense. I got through it because…Because help came at the right time! Because I guessed right! I just blundered through it all and I didn't have a clue what I was doing-STOP LAUGHING!"

Harry jumped to his feet, glaring at the two of them. Why weren't they just listening to him? They were acting like it was some big joke, like they knew better than he did! Crookshanks leaped out of Hermione's lap and streaked away. The smiles on Ron and Hermione's faces fell and they sank back into their seats, staring up at Harry.

"You don't know what it's like! You-neither of you-you've never had to face him, have you? You think it's just memorizing a bunch of spells and throwing them at him, like you're in class or something? The whole time you know there's nothing between you and dying excpeet your own-your own brain or guts or whatever! Like you can't think straight when you know you're about a second from being murdered or tortured or watching your friends die-they've never taught us that in their classes, what it's like to deal with things like that-and you two sit there, acting like I'm a clever little boy to be standing here, alive, like Diggory was stupid, like he messed up-you just don't get it, that could have just as easily have been me, it would have been if Voldemort hadn't needed me-"

"We weren't saying anything like that, mate," Ron said, looking shocked. "We weren't having a go at Diggory…We didn't…" He looked helplessly to Hermione, swallowing hard.

"Harry," Hermione said, quietly, carefully. "Harry, don't you see? This…This is exactly why we need you. We need to know what it's really like…Facing…facing Voldemort.

It was the first time she had said his name and Harry, oddly, felt himself calming down somewhat. Still breathing heavily, he slowly sat back down into his chair.

"Y…You have all of these wonderful teachers, Harry," Hermione said softly. "Snape's helping you loads and…Lupin sometimes and Shackelbolt and…They know a lot and they're helping you and…Well, not everyone else has that and it could be really useful so…Think about it? Please?"

Harry sat for a moment, looking from Ron to Hermione. Umbridge really wasn't teaching anyone anything…She was the most useless teacher Harry could remember having, including Lockheart. Harry hardly noticed the lack of Defense Against the Dark Arts lessons, considering he spent almost every night learning Defense. They didn't have that, though. Not many people did. Harry slowly shrugged and nodded and Hermione looked a bit relieved.

"Speaking of lessons, I think I'm about to be late," Harry muttered, glancing down at his watch. "Yeah, Snape'll have a fit if I'm late. Night," he said, hopping up and heading out of the common rooms. He still felt strange, thinking about teaching people Defense…But he felt sort of badly thinking about not doing it. Voldemort was back and anyone who believed that would want to know how to fight. How to protect themselves and their loved ones. Harry was lucky Dumbledore wanted him to learn desperately enough to sneak behind everyone's backs doing it. Harry shook his head and tried to get it all out of his mind as he headed down to the dungeons.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"That's enough for this evening, Potter."

Harry groaned, gently rubbing his head as he stood up on weak legs. They had practiced Occlumency a lot tonight. A lot of his dreams of long corridors and other dreams he had of Voldemort and even the conversation he had had just tonight with Ron and Hermione. He watched Snape flick his wand, putting his furniture back into place and slowly sinking down into his usual chair. Harry flopped down onto the couch, comfortable enough to lay down. He didn't think about Snape's reaction until Snape actually said something.

"Shoes off of the couch, Potter."

Harry simply kicked off his shoes and was pleasantly surprised when Snape didn't say anything of it. He was tired and he had a mild headache and he hardly noticed the silence until Sanpe started talking again.

"I must say, I am very shocked Granger thinks you are teacher material."

Harry reluctantly rolled onto his side and glared at Snape. "Hey, now."

Snape shrugged. "A fifteen year old? A fifteen year old teaching other children how to defend themselves…"

"Someone needs to teach them," Harry said stiffly.

"Yes…Someone does," Snape agreed quietly.

"And I'm not bad," Harry pressed on.

"No, you're not."

"Then what's the problem?"

"Just think…Use that brain of yours for two seconds! If Umb-"

"If Umbridge found out, it would be hell," Harry supplied, rolling his eyes. "I don't give a damn about Umbridge! Let her expel me! This is more important than school or the Ministry or anything! People need to know how to survive! It's-"

"So, you'll do it, then?"

"Yes!" Harry snapped. "Yes, I will."

Snape was silent, sipping out of a glass Harry had only just noticed he had. He was confused for a moment, settling back down into the cushions of the couch. He had a strange feeling…Had Snape been trying to convince him to do it? Or was he really just against it but didn't care enough about it to keep arguing? Harry wasn't too sure, but he found he couldn't stop thinking about it. Why would Snape care if anyone else could defend themselves?

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a completely heartless bastard, Harry recalled Snape saying once. Harry frowned, still thinking it over when he heard a sharp hiss from beside him. He jumped into a sitting position as Snape got to his feet, clutching his left arm. Harry's emerald green eyes grew wide. "Is-"

"Leave, Potter," Snape said, not waiting on him before swiftly moving to the fireplace and Flooing out. Harry sat, staring at the fireplace for several long moments, his heart pounding harshly in his chest. "Be careful," Harry whispered to the flames, almost reluctant to leave…But staying, he knew, would be a horrible idea. Besides…If he went to bed now…Maybe he could see what was going on…

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"Much better, Abaddon, much better," the Dark Lord hissed with his twisted smile in place. Abaddon Avery bowed and slowly retreated back to his father, Balthazar, and sister, Azrael. Caliban Mulciber was next with his own news, another failure at the Ministry and with the Department of Mysteries. Severus watched his old school friend suffer from the Cruciatus Curse, feeling his stomach drop as the Dark Lord hissed his name next, "Severusssss."

Severus stepped forward, bowing respectfully to his "master." The Dark Lord gave him a smile that was not all that comforting and he felt his stomach twist up. "Any news of the Order or Hogwarts?"

"There is not much to report, my lord," Severus explained. "The Order of the Phoenix has been unusually quiet. They do not know much and therefore cannot do much. They still seem to have suspicions about the Department of Mysteries, as I last explained, but they have no new developments. Hogwarts is worsening under Umbridge's nose. She reports everything to the Minister and is enforcing new 'educational decrees,'" Severus explained, crinkling his nose at the mention of that foul, beastly woman. "She has been made the new High Inquisitor…"

"Yes, I believe everyone has read the paper, Severus," the Dark Lord said coolly. "Be sure she has no reason to do anything about your position, Severus. Though I'm sure Lucius can keep our spy in his place. Lucius?"

Severus bit his tongue, not wanting to mention anything about not wanting help from that vile, twisted, child molesting son of a bitch. Lucius Malfoy was very involved with the Minstiry, however, and very close with the Minister of Magic. "Of course, my lord. I will be sure to speak with Fudge about it soon."

"Good," the Dark Lord said, wearing that awful grin once more. "And what of Harry Potter, Severus?"

"Things are going well, I believe," Severus said. "The boy seems to be…warming up…Trusting me more. He's revoltingly comfortable in my presence," he said, recalling the way Harry had laid down on his couch without thought or question. He had a strange feeling about it, though he couldn't quite describe if it was good or bad.

"Very good," the Dark Lord said quietly and Severus could feel the wizard poking through his head. Severus allowed him to see that particular memory, though he did his best to keep him away from the rest of it. The Dark Lord didn't seem to care much about the details, only seeing proof of the boy's growing attachment. "Perhaps you should take things a bit further."

Severus froze and forced himself to breathe steadily and not to snap or overreact. "My lord?"

"You need to be close to the boy, Severus. Have him open up to you…He must trust you entirely," the Dark Lord said, his voice growing softer and more pleased by the second. "Open up to him. Tell him all about your past…Tell him all about his father. Tell him all about your tragic history, Severus," the Dark Lord encouraged, smirking nastily while several of the other Death Eaters behind him snickered.

"M-"

"Don't try to argue with me," the Dark Lord warned, a threatening tone to his voice. "I have every faith that this is the right time to act. Don't thrust it all upon him at once, but you must begin to give him more, Severus. It's the easiest way to win him over. The boy is much too good to resist such a pathetic case."

Here Severus was, seemingly helping this madman, and he dared offend him? Insult him this way? Severus clenched his teeth, wanting nothing more than to snap at the man. Severus had much more control than to do such a thing, however, and he simply nodded. "Of course, my lord."

"Very good, Severus," the Dark Lord said, sounding pleased. Severus bowed and slowly backed up. "Now…Lucius."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Albus sat behind his desk, looking thoughtful while Severus sat in a chair in front of the man's desk, waiting impatiently for the man to speak. He had just gone over the entire meeting and Albus had only muttered a few comments, most of which Severus hadn't even heard, before falling into his own pensive state. Severus knew these meetings were important, but he was suddenly feeling very tired…The constant use of wake up potions and the last one was quickly fading was leaving him more exhausted than usual. He quietly searched his robes, hoping to have a vial of it hidden in his pockets, but only found the vial of Amorentia he had confiscated from Astoria Greengrass earlier and the Calming Draught he had grabbed to give to her sister, Daphne Greengrass, who had spent a great deal of the afternoon stressing over the year's OWLs.

"Really need to tell everyone to be more careful. I don't know whether it's wise that he knows we know of his plans…Perhaps you can convince him we've given up on that theory? I'm sure it would help your case…Though I doubt it will be much longer before he does know again…It's hard to keep an eye on things at the Ministry without being noticed," Albus muttered. "We'll have to have a meeting with the Order soon to discuss everything you heard from Mulciber and Avery," Albus said, quickly jotting down a quick note on a piece of parchment.

Severus nodded and waited, already having an awful feeling he knew what was coming.

"Now, as for what he said about Harry," Albus said, frowning. "I know you are a very private man, Severus…I would never force you to really inform Harry of everything you've been through. I don't see it doing very well to disobey something like that from Voldemort, though…I can't think of anything to help get you around that one…I'm sure he wouldn't be terribly opposed to you making something up, if you would rather…One can never be too sure with him, however…" Albus said, returning to his very thoughtful state. Severus sighed, though was slightly relieved. He had expected Albus to push him right into the idea.

"I would encourage you, however, to think about talking with Harry," Albus said and Severus sighed. He knew it. The man just couldn't resist. Albus gave him a small, apologetic smile. "I think it would be good for you to have someone to talk to…And I believe it would be good for your friendship with Harry. You will find he can be a very loyal and kind young man."

Severus found himself feeling very uncomfortable, having to stop himself from saying "I know he is." No need for Dumbledore to know all of his thoughts and feelings. "That decision, however, I will leave to you. Go get some rest now, Severus…You're looking dreadful."

"Thank you, Albus," Severus said, meaning for his voice to sound insulted and bitter, though it came out more grateful than anything. Severus really needed to stop taking those potions, he scolded himself, as he left Dumbledore's office and was in his own living quarters in no time, sinking happily into his warm, comfortable bed.

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**Author's Note:** So the good news is is that I have chapters 11 (this one) - 25 pre-planned. I've been keeping track of plots for each chapter in a notebook as I reread Order of the Phoenix. So that will make writing easier when I do have time and I can promise there is a lot of fun stuff coming up! Also a lot of the scene with Hermione, Ron, and Harry was stolen from the end of chapter 15 of OotP. Please review so I know how I'm doing! I love hearing feedback from my readers! This chapter's lyrics are from my new favorite song, "Night of the Hunter" by 30 Seconds to Mars.


	12. One Day I Will Get Revenge

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_One Day I Will Get Revenge_

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Potter was stretched out comfortably on his couch again. Severus supposed he should have said or done something to discourage his behavior…It would be the very Snape-thing to do, wouldn't it? It was what was expected of him. Still, Severus was only surprised by the new development and found he didn't care all that much…In fact, he felt sort of pleased that Harry was so comfortable around him. Potter, he mentally corrected himself.

They just got through yet another lesson. Severus spent most of the time testing Potter's ability to resist the Imperius Curse, an impressive feat, Severus would admit. He tried to more properly explain to Potter that Occlumency was similar to resisting the Imperius Curse. Potter made some improvement. He was still nothing to brag about, but it was at least better than it had been. Severus was tempted to teach the boy how to get around the affects of Veritaserum, but Potter looked exhausted and Severus figured he would be useless trying to do anything else for the night. The moment Severus put his furniture back into place, Potter plopped down on his couch and had been lounging there for the past few minutes. Severus wondered if Potter was sleeping…Severus couldn't see his face and he wasn't about to get up to check or anything.

Instead, Severus sat in his own chair and contemplated the Dark Lord's request and Albus's encouragement over the matter. It wasn't the first time the Dark Lord and Dumbledore seemed to be in agreement over something, and even stranger that they were all about Potter.

Albus's idea had some merit. Making up an entirely different background…The Dark Lord might very well be fine with it, since it wouldn't interfere with his plans…But he wouldn't put it past the Dark Lord to use that against him for a reason to "punish" him. Plus, Severus wasn't sure what he could "make up" that would be just as humiliating and painful as his own past, and didn't think even a fake history would soothe him. Potter would still feel sorry for him and think of him as weak and pathetic and Severus did not want that at all. He would have to do something, though…and since Albus was under the impression that he and Potter needed to be friends, lying to the boy wasn't going to help matters. Unless he told Potter beforehand that they were lies before playing out a scene to show the Dark Lord…Then again, Severus had little faith in the boy's acting abilities…The boy had no control whatsoever.

Where would he even start? How could he even make himself confess such horrors to Potter? Potter would never want to believe what a horrible bully his father was and maybe even wouldn't want to believe how close Lily and Severus once were. Severus wasn't too keen on recounting tales of his childhood with his volatile parents. He had been the pathetic boy, the sorry tale of the bullied and abused. Severus winced at the description and sighed heavily. He didn't even want to think about telling Potter and could hardly even imagine trying to start that conversation. It wasn't something one just brought up. Least of all, Severus Snape.

"Ron and Hermione haven't brought up me teaching anymore…But I've been thinking about it," Potter said, rolling over and peeking over the arm of the couch to look at Severus. "I didn't want to do it at first…Don't know why I was so against it. I've been…like…Planning out lessons in my head and everything," Potter laughed. "Don't know when I'll tell them…I'm still not sure about it, but…I don't know, I think I will do it. I still get to train and learn and know more, but not everyone can defend themselves and-"

"I'm sure the very least you can do is teach them a few good hexes to use against Umbridge, if that woman becomes too awful," Severus suggested, snickering.

Potter laughed. "First you're worried about Umbridge finding out, now you're encouraging me to teach everyone to attack her?"

Severus smirked and shrugged casually. "I have simply come to accept that I cannot possibly dissuade anyone so obstinate. The very least I can do is encourage behavior that would be in my (and everyone else's) best interests."

"Good plan," Potter said with a grin. "I spend most of my Defense classes imagining different things we could do to her. It's sort of mean, but I figure she's earned it."

Severus snorted. "Of course, Potter. Wouldn't want to spend your class time actually learning."

Potter flushed and offered a half hearted glare. "It's not like she's teaching us anything useful. Anyway, aren't you the one telling me I should be hexing her and teaching everyone else how to hex her?"

There was silence for a moment and Severus slowly smirked. "At least this tells me why your performance in Potions had always been lacking."

Potter laughed, but it sounded more nervous now. Severus shifted uncomfortably where he sat. They both knew that Potter's recent failures in the class had more to do with how much attention he had been paying Severus…While he had gotten worse, however, he had always done badly in Potions. "I never thought about hexing you too much," Potter said with a cheeky grin. "Let's just say I've daydreamed about hexing Umbridge more in these past couple of months than I've daydreamed hexing you in the past few years," Potter said, laughing. "I only really did badly in your class because you were…well, are…such an arse."

"I resent that comment, Mr. Potter."

"Don't you mean resemble?"

"Ha ha, very clever, Potter."

"Good to hear you finally admit it."

"I am sure it is a remarkable moment for you…This is the first time you have ever had anyone compliment your intelligence."

"And coming from you, too. I must be a genius," Potter said teasingly.

Severus snorted and shook his head. "I must remind myself not to say any kind words about you, Potter…Even sarcastically."

Potter laughed and carried on with things and Severus pushed all thoughts of "opening up" to Potter aside. Now wasn't the right time, he told himself. It would at least give him time to figure something out…He needed a good opening, something better than just bringing it up…If he even said anything at all. Severus relaxed somewhat, now that he didn't have any expectations of bearing his soul to this boy tonight. For once, he didn't feel weird at all about enjoying the brat's presence.

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Everything ran smoothly for a while. Harry eventually agreed to Hermione's idea of teaching Defense to students. They met in Hogsmeade at the Hog's Head…A bigger turn out than Harry expected, though he was pleased in the end. Ginny had pointed out how Cho had been ogling him and Harry and Hermione only laughed and exchanged glances that left Ron irritated for the remainder of the day. The group started meeting after Dobby found them a place to practice. They came up with the name Dumbledore's Army and Harry was feeling great…He was helping his fellow students and he had his own feeling of pleasure at doing something behind Umbridge's back. Then there were all those nights spent with Snape, practicing Defense and Occlumency and those few disappointing days when Shackelbolt or Lupin or Tonks would come to help him out. Harry much preferred his time spent with Snape and was glad to see that they were getting along a lot better these days. They'd tease each other or sometimes just sit in comfortable silence, but it was nice and Harry found himself looking forward to those moments more and more.

The only thing Harry looked forward to as much as his time with Snape was Quidditch. Harry woke up absolutely excited the morning of the game, chuckling as he recalled bits and pieces of the conversation with Snape the previous night, playful arguments about the upcoming Gryffindor vs. Slytherin game. He was just as hyped up as the rest of the time, talking excitedly in the Great Hall, and ignoring the snide remarks of the Slytherins whenever any of them passed. Nothing any of them said got to Harry…The only thing that diminished his good mood was his best friend walking to the table like he was walking to his death. He was pale and his blue eyes were wide and looked as though he had hardly gotten any sleep.

"I must have been mental to do this," Ron muttered under his breath, plopping down beside Harry. "Mental."

"Don't be thick. You're going to be fine. It's normal to be nervous," Harry assured him, feeling a bit uneasy. Ron wasn't an awful Quidditch player, but he hadn't exactly given the team much of a reason to have faith in him. Ron not having faith in himself was not going to do very well. Harry could only hope his words would have some positive affect on Ron, but somehow he doubted Ron was going to listen to anyone.

"I'm rubbish! I'm lousy! I can't play to save my life! What was I thinking?"

Hermione and Ginny approached shortly after and the three spent the time they could encouraging Ron and assuring him that he could play just fine and that Gryffindor would win. Ron wasn't having it, though, continuously muttering under his breath about how awful he was. It didn't help that the Slytherins would only agree with everything he said and shoved it in his face every time one of them was near enough. Arguing with Ron was becoming irritating and quite the hassle, but Harry hadn't given up on trying to lift his best friend's spirits. After breakfast they headed out to change and got ready for the game. Angelina gave them a pre-game talk and Ron looked ready to be sick. The other players would send him anxious looks now and then, which Harry didn't think was going to help much…But Harry honestly wasn't even sure Ron had noticed anything but his own nerves.

Harry tried to focus more on his earlier excitement rather than his new anxiousness over Ron. He could hear the Slytherin's singing in the stands and didn't think anything about them was doing any good today. Harry kept glancing to Ron as they walked out onto the field and noticed Ron mouthing words, though Harry couldn't quite make any of them out. He mounted his broom and waited, watching as Angelina went forward to shake hands with the new Slytherin captain, Montague. Unable to help himself, Harry let his bright green eyes dart up to the Slytherin stands, smiling softly to himself when he saw Snape, though the man's eyes were focused on his own team. Harry shook his head when he heard Madam Hooch's whistle and took off into the sky. He spent a few minutes flying around, going between seeing how Ron was doing and seeing if Snape would look at him, and was hardly paying attention at all to finding the Snitch. Even Lee Jordan's commentary and the singing of the Slytherins hardly got through to him.

At least until the singing grew louder and it was hard for anyone to not understand it. Loud choruses of a song called "Weasley is Our King" rang out through the stands and Harry cringed, watching Ron's bad performance steadily decline, his entire face as red as his hair. Harry frowned and shot glares at the Slytherin fans, unable to help himself from cracking a smile at the smirk of amusement Snape wore and had to remind himself that it wasn't funny and that the song was mean and that Snape was an arse for finding any humor in it at all. Harry shook his head and glared through the players zooming past him, trying to focus more on finding the Snitch and less on how nice it was to see a smile on Snape's face, even small little triumphant and humored smirk that could never bode well for anyone, especially since he seemed to be laughing at his best friend's expense. Harry tried to be mad, but all he felt were those strange feelings of his stomach flip flopping excitedly. He dared to glance at Snape again, having to completely turn his back to the man to keep from full out grinning as the smirking man's black eyes met his own, amusement shining in them that Harry adored. If only Snape could look like that all of the time…And not during that particular song…

"Harry, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Angelina screamed, soaring past him to keep up with Katie. "GET GOING!"

Harry blinked and realized he had spent too much of his time daydreaming about Snape and not enough in search of the snitch. Spinning around he began flying around the pitch more, keeping his eyes trained on finding that flash of gold, resisting the urge to look up at the black clad figure among the green. Slytherin was winning and Harry could just imagine that look on Snape's face…The look that was bound to be there. He imagined teasing grins and the mouthed words "I told you so" and pictured the bickering that would take place over the match later on that night…Harry shook his head forcefully, trying to clear his mind and focus. He was in the middle of a game, with the majority of the school here with their eyes on him. It wouldn't do well to be caught ogling Snape or acting like an idiot on his broom!

Harry dedicated himself to finding the Snitch. After several long, agonizing minutes he finally saw it. He dived. It didn't take long before he saw a blur of green and silver nearby, trying to catch up to him. Malfoy had seen him going for it. They were neck and neck after only a matter of seconds and Harry reached out, feeling Malfoy too close, reaching out as well. It was over in a matter of seconds, Harry's hand enclosing around that small, fluttering Snitch and felt Malfoy's hand slap against his uselessly. Harry pulled his broom back upwards, holding his hand with the Snitch up triumphantly to the pleasure of the Gryffindor crowd.

On the ground, Harry was happily surrounded by his happy teammates. The girls all hugged him happily and the boys shook his hand and Harry frowned at Ron's noticeable absence. Harry looked around for him, but was only met by the unwelcome sound of Malfoy's voice.

"Saved Weasley's neck, have you?" he said to Harry. "I've never seen a worse Keeper…but then he was born in a bin…Did you like my lyrics, Potter?"

Harry did not answer. He did his best to ignore his anger for Malfoy and instead focused on the jubilation of his team, grinning at them and high fiving them and still looking around for Ron. Malfoy went on, though, despite being ignored. "We wanted to write another couple of verses! But we couldn't find rhymes for fat and ugly-we wanted to sing about his mother, see-"

"Talk about sour grapes," muttered Angelina, casting Malfoy a disgusted look.

"-we couldn't fit in useless loser either-for his father, you know-"

Fred and George had realized what Malfoy was talking about. Midway through shaking Harry's hand, they stiffened and looked around to the smirking Malfoy. Angelina shook her head and grabbed George while Katie walked over to Fred. "Leave it," Angelina ordered. "Leave it. Let him yell. He's just sore he lost, the jumped up little-"

"-but you like the Weasleys, don't you, Potter?" said Malfoy, sneering. "Spend the holidays and everything. Can't see how you stand the stink, but I suppose when you've been dragged up by Muggles, even the Weasley's hovel smells okay. Or perhaps you can remmeber what your mother's house stank like, Potter, and the Weasley's pigsty reminds you of it-"

Harry gave up the attempts of trying to help everyone hold Fred and George back. He moved forward eagerly despite the protests of his team, gripping Malfoy by the front of his robes. Harry was furious. The Weasleys were like family to him, but Malfoy daring to bring up his dead mother? It was low and Harry was not about to stand for it. Harry didn't hit him, though…For a moment, Harry was too livid to move or speak. His muscles were tense and all he could think of was punching Malfoy's face in and doing or saying anything to wipe that ugly smirk from his face. He was pleased by the fear that flashed through Malfoy's silvery gray eyes. "At least my parents never touched me, Malfoy…Not in any sick way. The Weasley's aren't a bunch of perverts, either. I'd almost feel sorry for you, your own father raping you…but you probably enjoy it. You're just as much of a sick bastard as he is," Harry snarled.

Malfoy's eyes were wide with shock and horror and pain. "Wha-Who-P-…" Malfoy sputtered, looking around anxiously. No one had heard…Harry had made sure he was quiet enough. Malfoy looked even paler than usual and looked as though he might be sick. The shaking of the boy he was grabbing pulled Harry out of it before he could hurl more degrading, cruel material at Malfoy and he immediately let go, as though burned, completely horrified with himself as Malfoy stumbled backwards before turning and running towards the castle.

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"How could you?"

Severus was surprised to walk into his office to find his godson standing there. Even more surprised he was to be greeted with such fury from Draco and more concerned by the tears streaking down the boy's face. Severus hastily closed the door and folded his arms over his chest. "What-"

"How could you?" Draco hissed. "I knew Potter liked you, but I had no idea you were taking advantage of that! You're no better than my father! What? You're fucking him and now you're off telling him…Telling him about my father!"

Severus froze. "What?"

"Potter! He told me! He knows! And you're the only other person who knows! I didn't tell him! I doubt my father told him! I thought I could trust you!"

Severus growled under his breath. He was going to strangle Potter. "You can trust me, Draco. I am not sleeping with Potter because unlike your father, I am not a pedophile," Severus said coolly, ignoring the voice in his head hissing liarrrrr! "I also did not tell Potter anything. I have more respect than that, Draco, and I would think after all of this time you would know that," Severus explained. "Potter merely took it upon himself to look into my Pensive during detention one night when I stepped out to deal with Theodore Nott. He saw the conversation I had with your father…I asked him not to mention it, but obviously I was wrong to trust he wouldn't say anything."

It was a lie, but Draco didn't need to know about Harry's Occlumency lessons…Severus also didn't want Draco to distrust him. Severus was working hard trying to get Draco to trust him so that he might be able to help him, and Potter had just ruined everything with a few nasty words. Severus could not even begin to fathom what had taken place. It was almost impossible to imagine Potter being so malicious…But perhaps he had been wrong in assuming the boy was more like his mother. Apparently he was just as ugly and horrid as his bully of a father.

Draco calmed down, but still eyed Severus suspiciously. Severus sighed. "Why would I tell him, Draco? In what world does that even make sense?"

Draco just shook his head and muttered under his breath, harshly wiping his eyes and walking out of the office. Severus wanted to stop him, to make him believe him…but he knew it was useless. With a sigh he sat behind his desk, lost in thought as he waited for Potter to arrive for their usual lessons.

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Harry had never felt so awful about anything in his life. How could he have said that to Malfoy? Even if the boy was being a prick, Harry should have never said that…And how was he even supposed to explain knowing about that? The look of pain on Malfoy's face made Harry feel dirty and it was all he could think about during Gryffindor's celebration. He tried to smile and laugh and have a good time, but he felt nothing but dread for the first time in a long time as his time for lessons with Snape drew closer. He felt sick to his stomach just thinking about what had happened with Malfoy and how Snape would react if he saw it in his mind.

"Really sucks you have le-detention on a night like this, mate!" said Ron.

"At least he didn't make Harry miss the game," Angelina pointed out happily.

Harry just forced a smile and bid farewell and headed to the dungeons, feeling it growing harder to force his body to move the closer he got. Somehow, he made it, a few minutes late and was stunned to find Snape already waiting and shoving him through the door before harshly slamming it closed.

"I have never been more disgusted with you in my life than I am right now," Snape snarled. Harry was taken aback and stared with wide eyes at the man. "I told you not to breathe a word of what you knew about Draco to anyone! Including him! Yet you sit there and rub it in his face-"

Harry was horrified that Snape knew, but quickly felt himself becoming defensive. "He insulted the Weasleys and my mother!"

"I highly doubt anything Draco said to you warranted you bringing up such personal subject matter!" Snape hissed.

Harry's face flushed in shame and he turned away from Snape. "I…I know…I-"

"Don't fool around with me, Potter! You're not sorry! You're just as arrogant and foolish and awful as your father!"

"Don't bring my father into this!" Harry snapped heatedly, feeling his anger grow again. "He was a better man than you could ever hope to be!"

Snape chuckled darkly. "If only you knew what kind of insolent tyrant your father truly was," Snape whispered.

Harry had no idea what Snape was talking about, but Harry didn't care! The man was badmouthing his father! Snape didn't know James Potter…He was jealous, if nothing else. Everyone had always told Harry how brilliant and brave his father had been. Snape was just trying to get to him and Harry couldn't help the way it was working so easily. It only made him even more furious. "Can't have been any worse than you or Malfoy! And at least he wasn't going off imagining sex with children!"

Snape's eyes flashed furiously. "Yes…I believe I have been right all along. The headmaster always argued…Always defended you…Always raved about how good of a person you are, Potter. But you are nothing! Standing here and making pathetic excuses for your vile behavior! Treating others lower than you to make yourself feel tall! There is nothing powerful about treating people like they are beneath you…Such callous behavior, using such vicious weapons against others because you can! Yes…You are exactly like your prat of a father! Caring for no one but yourself!"

"You don't know anything about me or my father, Snape!" Harry snarled. "I only threw back at Malfoy what he's had coming all these years! I feel awful about it…I've been sick all day with shame over it, but now I'm starting to wonder why! The way you both have treated me and my friends since the moment we came here…Maybe it's time for a little payback! If either of you can't handle what you've been-"

"Silence, Potter!" Snape growled. He reached forward, his long fingers enclosing around Harry's throat and he coughed a bit, tensing up, though Snape didn't squeeze hard enough to cut off his air supply. "There is no excuse appropriate enough to explain what you have done! You are no better than your father or his foolish friends…I suppose it's about time I show you exactly what I mean, Potter. It wouldn't do well to hold onto this golden image of your so-called heroic father…So you can swell with hideous pride with every comparison between the both of you. Maybe if I show you, maybe you will understand once and for all what sort of lowlife bastard your father truly was," Snape hissed, spinning Harry around and shoving his face into the Pensive resting on his desk.

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**Author's Note: **Sooooooo that was fun _ Thanks everyone who reviewed! Please keep the reviews coming, I love the encouragement lol! Anyway, lyrics in the chapter title like the last are from "Night of the Hunter" by 30 Seconds to Mars.


	13. Try to Make You See My Side

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Try to Make You See My Side_

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James Potter was not the man Harry once thought he was.

That fact had left Harry feeling oddly empty and confused, as though everything he was and everything he had known was a lie. He hadn't been able to sleep that night leaving Snape's office…All he could think about was the scene he had seen in Snape's Pensive…His father and Sirius bullying Snape…Humiliating him in front of the whole school. It made him sick to his stomach…He knew exactly what it was like, to be embarrassed in the middle of a circle of onlookers. He knew exactly how Snape felt as his father taunted him. Worst of it all, it appeared that James Potter was every bit as arrogant as Snape had always told him.

For the first time in his life, Harry was ashamed of being James Potter's son. He felt his stomach twist, recalling every time anyone had ever compared him to his father. Even worse was knowing it was a hard fact to dispute after what he had done. Perhaps he hadn't teased Malfoy in front of the entire school, but he had shoved a very painful subject into Malfoy's face. He had hurt the other boy and he had taken a small pleasure in it. Harry was remorseful, sure, but somehow it didn't seem like it was enough. Especially not seeing the sort of bully his father had been.

Snape seemed horrified as they had pulled out of the Pensive, as though he hadn't been thinking about the whole thing while he had done it and was only just realizing what he had done. He looked shaken, nearly as upset as Malfoy had been as he ran towards the castle. Snape ordered Harry out and all Harry had been able to do was to lie wide awake in bed, remembering everything he saw.

Lily had stepped in, Harry recalled. His mother had been decent. She had tried to defend Snape against James, but he couldn't help but to think of that look of utter disgust Lily had thrown at James, like he was the scum of the Earth. How had they even ended up together? Had he cursed her? Harry cringed at the thought, but it was hard to know what to think about his father now. It was so hard to understand that his father had been that way, that his godfather had been that way…Two men he had looked up to and now Harry hardly knew how to feel about them.

Harry had no idea how he was going to face Snape, but luckily he had the weekend and Harry would only have to face him that night during their private lessons…If Snape even let him in. After Dumbledore's interference, Harry doubted he would end them for good, though he found he wouldn't blame Snape too much if he didn't want to see him at all that weekend. Harry himself was reluctant to face the man with what he now knew.

What was more important than that, though, was apologizing to Malfoy. Maybe the boy had been awful to him almost since he arrived to school, but he didn't deserve what Harry had done to him and Harry knew he needed to make amends. Whether it changed anything with Snape or with Malfoy didn't matter, but Harry knew he owed it to the boy and he was determined to do so. The hardest part was figuring out what to say and actually being able to find Malfoy and get him alone long enough to say his piece.

During breakfast in the Great Hall, Harry found his eyes wandering to the Slytherin table every so often, though he didn't see Draco Malfoy anywhere. He first looked to where Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy Parkinson sat, since he was usually with them. No Malfoy. He turned to another group of Malfoy's other friends…Blaise Zabini, Theodore Nott, and Daphne and Astoria Greengrass. No Malfoy. His eyes scanned over the whole table thoroughly. No Malfoy. He turned away several times, when Theodore and Daphne gave him strange looks and he panicked when he heard Pansy's loud cackle…Harry swore he could feel familiar black eyes glaring into him, though Harry was too afraid to look up at the staff table.

"Harry?"

"You okay, mate?"

Harry quickly looked away from the Slytherin table and put on his best look of confusion as he turned to Ron and Hermione. "Yeah?"

"You keep looking at the Slytherins. They're not singing again, are they?" Ron asked nervously, turning pink.

"I don't hear them," Hermione said frowning.

Harry mentally scolded himself for being so obvious, but he found it hard to worry about it too much right now. "Either of you seen Malfoy this morning?" he asked quietly.

"Malfoy?" Ron demanded too loudly for Harry's liking and he cringed and hissed, "Shhhhh!" A few of their classmates turned to glance at them and Harry hoped they didn't think much of it.

"No," Hermione replied calmly, looking concerned. "Did something happen?"

"You could say that," Harry sighed, glancing back up and hurriedly back down when he caught Zabini's eye.

"Oh Merlin, what did he do now?" growled Ron.

"It's not so much what he did," Harry muttered. Before either of them asked, Harry stood up. "I'll see you later. I have something I need to do."

He had no idea where to look, but he had a pretty good idea of where to start. The corridors were mostly empty and he was grateful for that as he headed down to the dungeons. He couldn't exactly get into the Slytherin common rooms, but he figured the bathrooms would be safe to check and he could linger about and hope Malfoy came around soon. He couldn't stay cooped up in the common room all day, could he?

Harry ducked into the boy's restroom, which was empty and checked Snape's empty classroom and office with no luck. He made sure to pass slowly by the portrait to the Slytherin common room at least three times as he walked around, checking in different rooms, more and more disappointed at every failed attempt. Malfoy always seemed to be around when Harry didn't want him, but the one time Harry wanted to see the blond and he was nowhere to be found. Just great. Harry sighed and wondered if maybe owling him might have been a better plan.

"Oooh look. If it isn't Potter! Why am I not surprised?"

Harry turned around and sighed heavily when he saw Blaise Zabini approaching him, flanked by Crabbe and Goyle with Pansy Parkinson trailing behind them, giggling. Harry immediately grasped his wand as a precautionary measure, eying the group warily.

"We saw you watching us, Potter," Zabini went on.

"Maybe he likes us," Pansy giggled.

"Not really sure what's so likeable about you lot," Harry muttered.

"So what are you doing down here, Potter?" Zabini asked, holding his own wand loosely in his hand. On either side of him, Crabbe and Goyle smirked and snickered and cracked their knuckles.

"I hear he's in Remedial Potions," Pansy said, skipping around the boys to come around Harry. Harry gripped his wand more tightly and swallowed hard. He had nearly forgotten his usual excuse for coming around here.

"That's right. I almost forgot how dumb he was," Crabbe laughed.

"I don't know how anyone can seem dumb around you and your mate over here," Harry shot back, nodding to Goyle. Neither Crabbe or Goyle seemed to understand, as they kept their nasty smiles in place and flashes of confusion flickered in their small eyes.

Zabini tsked. "Potter, Potter, Potter…It doesn't do well to insult us in our territory…You never know what might happen," Zabini said.

"I'm not all that worried about it, honestly. Thanks, though."

Pansy scoffed from behind him and slowly walked around his other side, coming to stand nearby Goyle, though she seemed reluctant to get too close to him. Zabini just glared at him. "You thin-"

"I must say, I am curious as to why the five of you would prefer congregating in the dungeon corridors on a weekend rather than enjoying the bright outdoors," came a soft, but clear voice from behind the Slytherins. Harry looked up gratefully as Snape approached, though the dark eyes didn't once look at him, instead focusing on his own Slytherins.

"We were only having a friendly conversation with Potter," Zabini lied.

"Wh-" Goyle began, but Pansy quickly elbowed him. "OW!"

Snape rolled his eyes. "Feel free to carry on your friendly conversation outdoors…There is no need for you to linger in the corridors."

"Yes, Professor," the Slytherins all said, glowering at Harry who moved quickly past them. He would have to hope he would see Malfoy later on. He doubted hanging around the dungeons all day was a safe idea.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Most of the day was spent with his friends. Hermione encouraged Harry and Ron to get caught up on homework and luckily agreed to help them out while she made clothes for the house elves. They spent a few hours being screamed at by Angelina on the Quidditch pitch and Ron looked close to passing out as they went inside for dinner. Harry scanned the Slytherin table once and felt a sharp pang of guilt when he saw that Malfoy still wasn't there. Absent from breakfast, lunch, and dinner after what Harry had said to him yesterday? Harry did his best to eat, but it was hard to force the food down when he felt so ill and awful.

"Are you feeling alright, Harry?" Hermione asked quietly.

"I'm just tired," Harry lied. "Not looking forward to lesson's tonight…Snape looked in a horrible mood earlier."

"Since when is he not in a horrible mood?" Ron snorted.

Harry didn't respond, only poked at his meat for a few more minutes before standing up. "Might as well get this over with. I'll see you later." Without waiting for a response, he turned and walked off, glancing to the Head Table. He was surprised to see that Snape wasn't there, but he didn't think much of it as he headed down to the dungeons. He didn't see many people, though he kept his eyes open, just in case any other Slytherins decided to corner him tonight. Everything was more quiet as he neared the dungeons and he was grateful for that…He didn't see anyone around here at all.

Harry wasn't particularly excited about his lessons…He still felt weird about being around Snape after everything, but he did want to be away…Be alone. He walked slowly, lost in thought, feeling dread fill his stomach as he approached the staircase leading down to Slytherin territory. He slowed down even more, considering walking around a bit more before heading to Snape's office, but it was almost time for lessons and he didn't figure staying in the hallway any longer than necessary was a smart idea.

Harry paused, blinking in surprise when he saw the familiar form of Draco Malfoy disappearing into the bathrooms. Harry hesitated, glancing from Snape's office further down the hall to the bathroom door before heading in after the blond. Malfoy was standing at the sink, staring into the mirror and muttering to himself, jumping and glaring harshly at Harry as he entered. "What do you think you're doing here, Potter?"

"I…I wanted to apologize," Harry said quietly, uncertainly. Malfoy's eyes narrowed in suspicion. It felt strange apologizing to Malfoy and the boy's hostile stance was hardly encouraging. Harry held no love for Malfoy, but he knew he owed him this. "I shouldn't have said what I did about your father…It was mean and there was no good excuse for it, and I'm sorry," Harry forced out, finding himself struggling with the words.

Malfoy snorted and shifted uncomfortably on his feet. "Don't bother, Potter. You're not fooling me."

Harry sighed, resisting the urge to roll his eyes or hurl more angry words at Malfoy. "I just wanted to apologize…If you don't want to believe it, that's fine…Just thought I owed it to you, s'all," Harry muttered.

"I don't need your pity, Potter. Especially apologies you don't even mean. Saying it doesn't make you a better person. Doesn't matter how much of a hero everyone thinks you are."

Harry scowled at him. "I didn't come in here to make myself look better…Especially since we're the only ones who know about it!" Harry snapped. "How does it make me look better if no one but you knows what I said? I don't care enough about what you think to bother making myself look good to you. I'm too smart to think that would work, anyway."

"I'm sure that'll be a shock to everyone," Malfoy snarled. "The fact that you have any intelligence, that is."

Why had he come to do this again? Harry should have expected Malfoy wasn't going to make this easy. Harry felt so many nasty words on the tip of his tongue and he struggled to keep them in. There was no need to make matters even worse. "That's all I wanted to say," Harry said and turned around and walked out, slamming the door behind him and walking quickly to Snape's office, hoping Malfoy didn't want to try to stop him to continue their little fight. He never heard the door open back up and he was grateful. Even if Malfoy egged him on, Harry didn't think he'd feel much better if he said the same sort of thing he had after the Quidditch game.

Harry almost hesitated in going into Snape's office, but found he'd rather face his harsh glares than deal with Malfoy pushing his buttons again. It seemed he had found a perfect escape…For Snape wasn't in his office. Harry sat in front of his desk for a while, just relaxing and trying not to think about Malfoy or Snape or his parents or anything else. Instead he daydreamed about beautiful revenge on Umbridge and mentally planned out the next DA meeting…After a while, though, he grew confused and checked the time…Snape was a half hour late! Furrowing his eyebrows and feeling a bit panicked, Harry stood up and walked around Snape's desk, struggling to remember the password that made the door appear. "Ermmm…" Harry said, muttering every Latin word he could think he remembered Snape saying, leaning against the wall and growing frustrated after a few minutes before the door finally began to appear in the wall. Harry sighed in relief and let himself into Snape's living quarters.

"Ummm…Snape?" Harry called out, slowly stepping in and looking around in the darkness. "Lumos," he whispered, stepping in and holding up his wand and making his way over to the fireplace. "Incendio," he whispered again, relaxing a bit as the room was lit up dimly by the fire. Harry shifted uncomfortably where he stood, feeling strange to be standing here without Snape. He half expected the man to jump out at him and yell at him and glanced back at the door, half tempted to turn back. For some reason, he continued on, walking across the room slowly, looking around. There were three other doors…He recognized the one that led to Snape's bathroom and knew the one to the right led to his bedroom and the one on the other wall led to his personal library. He hadn't ever been into the man's bedroom or his library.

He eyed the bedroom door temptingly, but shook his head and forced himself to turn instead to the library. "Professor?" Harry asked, knocking on the library door and slowly opening it. It was dark and Harry doubted he'd find Snape there, but he lit the end of his wand just in case and walked through it until he ran into a table. Back in the main room, Harry glanced at the bedroom door again, his heart racing at the very thought of seeing the older man's bedroom. His bright green eyes glanced around the room again and he licked his lips, slowly walking towards it. "Snape?" Harry called out, his arm shaking lightly as he raised his fist to knock. He counted to twenty slowly in his head before daring to open the door. This room, too, was dark. Licking his lips, Harry glanced over his shoulder, half expecting to spot Snape behind him, standing quietly with his arms folded over his chest, glaring at him…but there was nothing and no one.

A quick spell lit up the room and Harry took a step forward, but found he didn't quite have it in him to go further. It was a simple room…A plain wooden desk and a chair sat in one corner with a few books stacked up on top of it and a few pieces of parchment. There was a broom sitting against the wall by the closet…Across from that door was a king sized bed with dark red sheets and dark gray pillows. Beside it was a simple bedside table with a few more books stacked there, a small dark blue box, and a bottle of firewhiskey. It wasn't much, but his eyes eagerly took everything in…He could definitely use this image the next time he masturbated, he told himself, and just imagining the new details that could be involved in his fantasies had his cock beginning to stir in his pants. Harry wanted to step further in, to look through everything and lay on the bed and see how soft it was…Harry could already tell that would not end very well. Reluctantly, Harry turned around and put out the lights and closed the door, forcing himself to lay down on the gray couch and wait.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

The Dark Lord was getting frustrated. Not much was happening…Hardly anyone was achieving anything he wanted. He spent a great deal of time humiliating and torturing people and boasting about how, soon enough, his true followers would join him…His most loyal and most talented and his favorites…They would be out of Azkaban soon enough and then, perhaps, something would get done. Many heads were lowered in shame and Severus stared down at his shoes in boredom, waiting for the moment he knew was coming. It was the moment that came every meeting…A progress report from Severus Snape, on the goings on of the Order of the Phoenix and Hogwarts and most importantly his relationship with Harry Potter.

"Severussssss…"

Severus obediently moved forward, spreading the tales he and Albus had carefully crafted together during the last Order meeting. They would always have to be careful, sometimes even partial truths…He very well could not have the Dark Lord think he was a traitor. There wasn't much to tell, sadly…And while Albus assured him that it was nonsense that he should bring news during every meeting, that he couldn't always have something new to share…But they both knew that it didn't matter. Even good excuses for things couldn't always spare him the Dark Lord's wrath. The Dark Lord didn't seem entirely pleased with the night's slow progress, though Severus took some pleasure that he, at least, had given more than most gathered here tonight.

"Now tell me of Harry Potter, Severus," the Dark Lord said softly, his hissing voice warmer and his smile more welcoming and comforting than the cold look in his red eyes. Severus had been dreading this.

"There is not much more I can report, my lord," Severus said apologetically. "It is not as easy as I had hoped, following your orders…I find it would be…Odd to randomly bring up my life story…I have yet to find a proper opening into the topic…Though-"

Severus could feel the Dark Lord poking around in his head and Severus made quick work of covering up the memory of his argument with Potter and shoving his face into the Pensive. He doubted the Dark Lord would approve of any "unnecessary" disagreements with the boy and he doubted his reasoning would be viewed as appropriate by the Dark Lord. The Dark Lord only smirked as Severus cut off, though his red eyes betrayed his annoyance that Severus had noticed his intrusion.

"Though?" the Dark Lord encouraged.

Severus swallowed hard, mentally berating himself for his slip up in allowing the Dark Lord to know he knew, but kept his face controlled. Severus didn't like slipping up, and he wasn't about to let one mistake cause more. "Though I am positive I can find a way to ensure I can follow your instructions soon. I apologize for any lateness, but I merely want to keep my role as is and not ruin any faith he may have in me by arousing any suspicion."

"You are a talented wizard, Severus," the Dark Lord said with a frown. "It shouldn't be such a difficulty to achieve such a small goal…I haven't asked you to hand him over to me just yet, only that you open up a bit more to the boy."

I'M TRYING! he wanted to scream, but that would have been a lie. It was still frustrating to be caught in this situation and all he could do was nod obediently like the good little slave boy the Dark Lord believed him to be. One thing was for certain, though, there could be no more dawdling. He would have to give something, even if it meant telling Potter beforehand what the Dark Lord wanted before going through with it. As loathe as he was to be anywhere near the boy who had proven himself to be no better than his bastard of a father, he had a job to fulfill that unfortunately involved him. "Yes, my lord. I apologi-"

"Crucio!"

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

With Death Eaters having little to report to the Dark Lord, Severus thankfully didn't have to bear through a long meeting with Albus. It wasn't long before he was free to head down to his living quarters. He was physically exhausted and still suffering aches and pains leftover from the affects of the Cruciatus Curse. He cringed now and then as he walked, but he had dealt with pain too many times in his life to fall apart over it. He stepped into his rooms, lifting his wand with a spell on his tongue to light the room, and was surprised to find the fireplace was already lit. Potter was sitting on the floor in front of the couch with a piece of parchment and a quill spread out on the coffee table, doodling a Snitch and brooms and stick figures riding them, eying the drawing in amusement as Potter tapped his wand to the image, causing the less than impressive figures to zoom about the page.

"I must say, I'm impressed you can perform even the simplest of charms," Severus said smoothly, keeping his expression blank, though he found himself amused as Potter jumped and spun around to face him, the shock clear in his green eyes. He didn't even seem to register the insult. "Now, do you mind telling me what you're doing here?"

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**Author's Note:** Hope you enjoyed it! Please reviewwww! I loves reviews, they make meh happeh! Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, I love you lots! The lyrics from this chapter title are from "I Don't Care" by Apocalyptia (feat Adam Gontier).


	14. I Hope It's Worth It

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_I Hope It's Worth It_

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"Ummm….Waiting…" Harry said uncertainly, looking up at the imposing (and attractive) figure that was his Potions Master. He had gotten bored and decided to doodle and had nearly forgotten he had been in here waiting for Snape to turn up. After a few minutes of waiting Harry figured he should go, but had ended up staying. He knew it probably wasn't the smartest idea…It was getting late and Snape was probably at a Death Eater meeting. He doubted Snape expected him to show up and probably would have preferred it if he didn't, but Harry had remained. He couldn't really help himself and even if Snape ended up yelling at him, Harry at least wanted to see the man for a few moments. "We have lessons every night, remember?" Harry asked calmly, not wanting to betray his own uncertainty over why he had stayed and not wanting to seem rude enough to produce any sort of anger in the man.

"When I failed to be in my office, perhaps that should have told you lessons were cancelled," Sanpe said smoothly, slowly walking over to his usual chair and sitting down. Harry shifted where he sat and turned to face Snape more. "One should never break into a professor's private chambers…Though perhaps I should have never allowed you entrance here," he went on, eying Harry for a moment. Harry said nothing, not really sure what there was to say. "Surely you have better things to do in your spare time?"

"What could be more important than my training, Professor?" Harry asked innocently, biting back a smile.

Snape snorted. "I never took you as one who cared about your education."

"Well, this is life or death, isn't it?"

"It is. Which is why I do not understand how you can put so little effort into everything."

"I've been putting in plenty of effort!" Harry snapped, eyes narrowed angrily.

Snape sighed, but said nothing more, which confused Harry. He waited and waited until he felt his anger ebbing and his glare softened and he just watched the potions master curiously as the man stared into the fire. "You may stay for a while," Snape said quietly. "We should talk."

Harry's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "About?"

Snape sighed impatiently. "The headmaster thinks it is a…wise idea for us to be on friendly terms. Undoubtedly there are a number of people who wish to see us closer, though I cannot fathom as to why. At any rate, if we are to become…friends…we must get to know one another," Snape said grudgingly.

Harry blinked in surprise. Getting to know each other? He would feel a bit better, trying to prove to Snape he wasn't as much like James Potter as he thought. Getting to know Severus Snape was also an appealing prospect…He found himself very curious about the mysterious wizard and found it now to be an endearing mystery, one he would be glad to uncover. He found himself very drawn to the man, more so than ever before. Being allowed to get closer to him was a strong temptation, but it was hard to really buy it. Snape didn't seem too keen on the idea, so at least that part of it all made sense. The man looked downright uncomfortable and Harry found himself relaxing a bit.

"So what do you want to know? Are we going to trade favorite colors and a list of our hobbies?" Harry asked uncertainly.

"It could never be that easy, Potter," Snape said with a dry smile. "I am afraid we'll have to get personal tonight. Why not start with the good old clichés, trading horror stories of our childhoods and offering sympathies and comforts that are of little to no use at the present time? Isn't that the ways of every good drama? The beginning is always a good place to start, is it not?"

Harry eyed Snape uncertainly for a moment. Snape knew most of Harry's childhood from their Occlumency lessons…But maybe this was for Voldemort's benefit, Harry considered. That was a scary thought, and Harry wasn't sure what to think…On the off chance that this was for him, though, Harry decided not to mention said lessons. Instead he only slowly nodded his head. Maybe talking about it would help this little relationship of theirs. This friendship, Harry thought, fighting a smile. "Well, my life wasn't quite as glamorous as you always seemed to think," Harry said, shrugging and leaning back against the couch. "My family hates me and they hate magic," Harry said, registering an odd look cross Snape's face and he paused. "What?"

"Nothing," Snape said abruptly. "Only reminded…me of something I once told someone, myself." Harry raised an eyebrow, lips open to question him, but Snape glowered at him. "Carry on."

Harry paused for a moment before shrugging and continuing. "I still don't know why they took me if they hate me so much…Maybe they just enjoy being mean to someone. Anyway, my cousin was spoiled rotten and I was jealous of him. I was treated like a servant. They enjoyed humiliating me and hurting me…They were never that bad…I know people have it worse. But Uncle Vernon and Dudley could get a bit violent sometimes…I hate it there. I hated them. I lived in a cupboard under the stairs. I was always getting yelled at and being talked down to…Most of the time it was like I wasn't even human," Harry muttered, feeling suddenly depressed as he brought up his less than pleasant childhood. Harry fell silent and Snape said nothing to encourage him. After a moment Harry pulled out of it on his own and sighed. "They've gotten better, though. Not very nice, but I have it a bit better. I have a bedroom now," Harry said, shrugging like it didn't matter much, though the very thought of his life with the Dursley's made his stomach clench and turn. He was seriously dreading returning there…He wouldn't have to for another several months, but it suddenly felt as though the year were flying by and he would be forced to return before long.

Snape only nodded, his expression unreadable. He shifted and looked for a while on the verge of saying something, though there were several minutes of silence. Harry felt increasingly awkward and went to drumming his fingers quietly on top of the coffee table. "It…appears…Potter," Snape said, his voice strained, as though the words were very painful to force out, "that…perhaps…we are not as dissimilar as I would prefer," Snape said stiffly. Another short silence followed and Harry almost worried the man was about to start shouting or pass out or something. "My mother's name is Eileen Prince…She is a pureblood witch, the only daughter of parents who were only children…She was supposed to marry a pureblood man. She was betrothed to Cyrus Avery…She played the dutiful daughter and fiancé, ever affectionate to Cyrus in public and happily planning her wedding with her mother. My mother made it to the day of her wedding with the false pretense of actually enjoying these pureblood traditions. She left Cyrus at the altar and left in her wedding dress, running off to Cokeworth to marry a Muggle man…My father, Tobias Snape.

"Her family was outraged. They disowned her and she would never see one Galleon of her family's fortune. To her credit, Mother never really wanted any part of it. She hated her family. She hated purebloods and their traditions and rebelled as harshly as she could against them. She claims she truly loved my father, but I think she only convinced herself that she did. He was the perfect pawn to use in this game of hers. Father didn't know what she was and Mother wasn't inclined to tell him unless she had to. Living as a Muggle didn't suit her, but she claims to enjoy the freedom to enjoy a different way of living.

"I was born five years after my parents' wedding. Neither wanted children…They were very poor and could hardly afford to take care of themselves, let alone another person. Father thought children were nothing more than a burden while Mother thought a child would only force her into telling my Father a truth she didn't ever plan on revealing. Yet she became pregnant and while neither of them wanted a child, neither of them particularly believed in abortion, either. Mother hoped to Merlin I was a Squib," he admitted, rolling his eyes. "She was gravely disappointed when I showed signs of magic a few years later…Father didn't want to be around me long enough to notice much, but it was not a secret that could be hidden forever.

"When I was six, Mother was forced to tell my father what she was and what I was. Things had been unpleasant in our household since my birth, but this confession brought with it the first real fight my parents had. It was loud and it was violent and my father left for a short time. Mother was devastated…I did not understand why, as he had never been overly affectionate to either of us from what I could remember. I suppose she did love him, though to this day I do not understand why nor do I understand why they remained together through everything.

"When I was eight, my mother became pregnant again. Father claimed Mother had an affair and refused to believe the child was his. They had another fight…He hurt her enough to land her in the hospital, but they were both disappointed to learn that the baby would be fine. My mother gave birth to a daughter named Phaedra some months later, very premature…Both she and my mother nearly died, but they both lived. I never saw my father express so much emotion as he did that day…He was happy and relieved and…It didn't really make sense to me, that my father…Always so bitter and miserable and mean…Could know any sort of happiness."

Harry thought to himself how he felt very similar with his recent friendliness with Snape, though he had a feeling making any comparisons between Tobias and Severus Snape would be a mistake.

Snape cleared his throat. "Despite that, things seemed to worsen when Mother and Phaedra came home. My parents fought more and took more of their anger out on me…Father was the worst of it. He could be very…cruel. He had been very verbally abusive throughout my life, but as I said before, he never cared to be around me much. Around that time, Father seemed to make it a point to seek me out to make me feel like utter shite about myself. He was especially horrible to mother and even to Phaedra, as young as she was. I never knew what happened to cause it, but I have a feeling he was only doing so to make himself feel…superior or something. He despised us all and yet he stayed. He needed us…Needed a punching bag, especially after a long, hard day at work.

"Needless to say, I spent the majority of my life feeling unwanted. My parents tried to make amends when I was older, tried to be better, they claimed…But I haven't seen them since I was seventeen. I wasn't quite ready to forgive them…Not sure I ever will be."

Harry was quiet for a moment, not daring to look at the man as he toyed with the hem of his sweater. He wasn't sure what to say or how to feel or any of that. Snape had actually told him about himself…Some of his childhood. It was rather sad, Harry thought, and tried to ignore the stab of pity he felt for the man. He highly doubted Snape would appreciate that very much. More importantly it was some understanding of how Snape felt. Being disliked by your own family, treated like dirt, hating to be near them. It was hard to imagine Snape going through any of that. It was hard to picture this particularly dark and intimidating character suffering that way. He tried to imagine a sad little boy or a scared little boy or something but all he could conjure up were his faceless parents and an adult Snape folding his arms over his chest and sneering at them. He could even picture him hexing the both of them. Harry highly doubted that was the way things had gone, though.

"I can't wait until I can say the same things about the Dursleys," Harry said with a small smile, referring to Snape's mention of not having seen his parents since he was seventeen. He secretly wondered if his parents were still even alive, but somehow he doubted Snape himself knew or cared.

"Not much longer now, Potter," Snape said offering a small smirk. "There is something very liberating about escaping the family you always dreaded returning to…Just be sure not to find yourself trapped somewhere equally as unpleasant," Snape suggested, a bitter edge to his tone.

Harry smiled sadly. "Don't think I can much escape anything. It's my duty to kill Voldemort, remember?" he asked, ignoring Snape's glare when he said the man's name. "Even after that, I'll still have this fame to deal with…Always in the public eye, you know. Always dealing with people's judgments and expectations," he muttered. Ever since his return to school this year, everyone thought he was a nutter. The Ministry was painting quite an ugly picture of himself and Dumbledore and Harry knew it was the sort of thing he would be subjected to his entire life, if he defeated Voldemort or not. People would adore him one moment and hate him the next and it was a never-ending cycle he was stuck in and he was very much aware of that. "All I have to learn how to do is cope with it, I s'pose."

Snape only stared at him for a moment before slowly nodding. "An…interesting, observation," the man said and Harry grinned.

"Interesting? Why do I have a feeling you're trying to cover up giving me a compliment?" Harry teased.

Snape glowered, though it didn't seem quite so dangerous or angry as one might expect from the dreaded potions master. "I can kick you out of my rooms if you insist on being a brat," Snape retorted and Harry just grinned, relaxing the way he always found himself doing in Snape's presence these days. Their more personal stories had been very awkward and almost unbelievable, and Harry was glad to get back into their meaningless discussions and amusing debates, and he sensed that Snape was just as pleased and relieved as he was to return to their usual ways.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Severus Snape was an incredibly private man, and Harry Potter was not going to take for granted openness they had shared. It was strange and unnatural and unpleasant, but Harry still found himself feeling pleased that he knew a bit more about the man who had been occupying most of his dreams these days. Harry wasn't sure if these moments would continue, but as awkward as it was, Harry still found himself hoping there would be more. There was still so much Harry wanted to know about the man, even if Snape told him everything out of some sort of obligation to someone somewhere.

Harry found it hard to sleep that night and woke up with the strongest urge to talk to Hermione. He wouldn't be giving out all of the details, but he did want to share with her the fact that he was learning more about Snape and probably even tell her about what had happened with Malfoy…Most of the summer and this year Harry felt closer to Hermione than to Ron, and he hardly even realized it until he found himself walking into the common room, being beckoned over by the red haired boy. Harry was so caught up, eager to talk to Hermione, he hadn't even considered telling Ron anything. Things between the two friends had been tense for a while, though it had gotten a bit better after Harry and Hermione's "breakup."

"Hey, Harry," Ron said quietly, glancing nervously around the common room. "Got a sec?"

"Sure, mate," Harry said quietly, sitting down in a chair by Ron.

"So…" Ron said, nervously rubbing his hands over his pants. "Just thought you should know…I think Hermione's still talking to Krum."

Harry raised his eyebrows. "Viktor Krum? I know…They're friends. They've been owling since last year."

"Yeah…Well…Thought maybe since…Well since you were together that…That you-wait. She was talking to him when you were together?"

Harry couldn't help but laugh. "Yes, Ron. She's allowed to have male friends, you know. She stayed friends with you."

Ron turned pink. "Yeah, well…" he said, clearing his throat. "Just thought it was strange and figured I should tell you."

"I'm not worried about Viktor Krum, Ron," Harry said, an amused smile on his face. He wanted to laugh, but swallowed it back in favor of trying to calm his steadily growing unease. Maybe it was time he told Ron a few things. Harry glanced towards the girl's dormitory and back to Ron. It was obvious his friend still had feelings for Hermione, even though he was still with Susan. It was also clear that Harry needed to tell Ron a few things about himself, considering they had been best friends for four years.

"Are-"

"I'm positive that Hermione isn't seeing Viktor…She's been interested in someone else for a while now. She only dated me to make him jealous or something," Harry said with a shrug. "I didn't mind so much…Put pressure off of me to be seen around with a girl…Probably won't be happening again considering I'm…Well considering I've found out I'm gay."

Harry quickly looked around, slightly pink in the face and pleased to discover that no one seemed to have heard. Oddly enough no one was staring at him, which he had gotten used to nowadays. He quickly turned back to Ron whose blue eyes were wide, his mouth gaping open, and his big ears burning red. "Wh-what?" Ron stammered, looking completely stunned. "You-you're? But!" Ron said, half grinning and looking around, like he expected it to be some joke. "You're kidding!"

Harry frowned, but tried not to get too upset. He figured Ron would handle things worse of his two friends. "No…I'm serious, Ron. I'm attracted to guys…Well, 'Mione reckons I could be bisexual but…I dunno. I'm starting to really doubt that," Harry muttered, shifting awkwardly where he stood.

"Oh…Oh…umm…wow," Ron said, scratching the back of his head. "That's…Erm…Well that's…That's not so bad," Ron finally said, though he didn't seem too sure. "I mean, I wouldn't go around telling everyone…It's not a very common thing, mate…But well…I dunno," he said, turning redder the more he spoke. He finally cleared his throat and awkwardly reached out to pat Harry on the arm. "So…Any blokes you fancy these days?"

Harry's face felt so hot he figured he might very well look like Ron right about now. "Erm…Actually…Yeah…" Harry admitted. He wasn't sure he really wanted to tell Ron he had a thing for Professor Snape. Ron hadn't been too bad about the news about him being gay, but he doubted Ron would take well at all to Harry liking Snape. He'd either be convinced Harry was lying or joking or he'd be convinced Harry was being Imperiused or given a love potion or something.

"W-well?" Ron pressed.

"It's not you, Ron, don't worry. You're not my type, no offense," Harry teased. "Not sure I wanna say who it is, though."

Ron nodded, though he seemed happy to drop the subject. "Anyway…Who's Hermione fancy?"

To this, Harry just grinned and glanced over his shoulder. No Hermione to be seen. "Well," he said, clearing his throat. "Unless you're really in love with Susan…I'd break up with her," Harry said with a shrug.

Ron looked confused for a moment and looked around then his eyes grew wide and he pointed to himself with a shaky finger. "M-me?"

Harry just kept grinning. He felt bad for Susan, but Ron didn't really like her much anyway…Harry noticed the way he still looked at Hermione, even with his girlfriend. He also knew that he probably shouldn't be telling Hermione's secret like this, but he figured if it ended well, she'd thank him later.

Ron stood in shock for several moments before grinning goofily and Harry slapped him on the back and the two headed down to the Great Hall to enjoy some breakfast. Harry felt a bit of relief now that he had told Ron and gotten that off of his back…Thinking about when he'd tell Ron about his crush on Snape…Well, Harry wasn't entirely sure that day would ever come. There were just some things even friends didn't need to know.

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Harry was left in a good mood most of the day. Most of his classes went by rather well, but even sitting in Defense with Umbridge and Potions with Snape weren't too awful. Umbridge didn't give him a reason to get in trouble and Harry was doing better at paying attention to his work (though he hadn't entirely given up on watching Snape). Ron was being strangely polite to Hermione and both were on friendlier terms than Harry had seen them in a long time…Or ever, really. By lunch, Harry had heard of Ron and Susan's breakup and felt as though things really were looking up. He never got a chance to tell Hermione about things with Snape, but he figured he could do so later…He still had another meeting with the man tonight and was looking forward to it. If people wanted Snape to be more open with Harry then Harry was fine with it…Even if it was oddly uncomfortable and he doubted Snape really wanted to do it, Harry was grateful to learn more about the man and eager for a chance to change Snape's opinion about him, if he could.

Sadly, on his way to the dungeons, the corridors weren't as empty as he had hoped. "Down here again, Potter?"

Strange how Harry was grateful to see it was just Malfoy there. The Slytherin had a very different demeanor than usual, none of his cockiness present. The boy seemed on edge about something and Harry raised his eyebrow, wanting to ask the other boy if he was okay, though he wasn't entirely sure that was the smartest idea.

"Don't see what it matters to you, Malfoy," Harry replied easily.

"Heard you had a run in down here with some of my friends," Malfoy went on, as though he hadn't heard Harry. "Thought that might have been a good enough warning to stay away."

"They're nothing I can't handle," Harry retorted, getting aggravated and not sure why Malfoy was bringing any of this up. "And again, I don't see why it matters to you."

Malfoy gave a shrug, though it wasn't nearly as smooth and nonchalant as he perhaps hoped for. There was something definitely wrong with Malfoy…Harry hoped it wasn't because of what he had said, but that had been days ago. Unless maybe his father had done something else…Harry flushed at the thought, though he wasn't sure how Malfoy Sr. could do anything to his son while he was at Hogwarts. It took a moment before Harry remembered that Lucius Malfoy had been at Hogwarts before…All over him. His stomach churned at the memory and he shook his head and glanced at Malfoy.

"Has your father been coming around?" he asked curiously.

"What?" Malfoy spat, his face turning pink and his eyes narrowed dangerously at Harry. Harry instantly regretted asking that aloud.

"I just know he's been around before…Polyjuiced himself as Snape," Harry explained, not sure where he was going with any of this, just having a strong feeling about it all. Malfoy's expression turned curious. "I thought it was him for a while…Kissed him and everything," Harry said cringing and Malfoy flinched. "Dumbledore and Snape turned up in time to get rid of him. Not sure why he was doing it but…Yeah. So I was just wondering if he had been around, though I figure Dumbledore must have done something to make sure it doesn't happen again," Harry explained awkwardly.

Malfoy opened his mouth, but he seemed at a loss for words. There was a look of understanding, though, and relief in his eyes that Harry noticed. He shifted on his feet and glanced to Snape's office. He knew he had to be there, but something kept him rooted in spot, the words on the tip of his tongue and spilling out of his mouth before he could register or even censor the whole thing. "If you ever need anyone to talk to, Malfoy…Umm…Not sure how…How your friends are but…Well, I'm here if you…If you need someone," Harry offered, immediately wanting to bang his head into a wall.

Malfoy just laughed. "As if there's anything to tell you…As if I'd be friends with some little Gryffindork like you…" Malfoy said, shaking his head and walking off. Everything from his tone to his posture were as they should be, but they lacked that self absorbed, regal air Malfoy always had about him. Harry frowned and watched him for a moment before walking to Snape's office.

"I certainly hope you do not intend on humiliating my godson, Potter. He's too smart for such trickery," said a low voice from the doorway. Harry blinked in surprise. Snape was standing near the middle of the room, closer to the door, and he was glaring suspiciously at Harry. He must have overheard the whole thing and Harry felt his face heat up, thinking of how foolish he must have sounded, but he made himself hold Snape's glare and narrowed his eyes in return.

"I'm not like Malfoy, Professor. I don't go out of my way to make schemes just to hurt people," Harry shot back. "I just…I felt bad about what I said…And with everything, I figured he might need a friend. I was just trying to be a decent person, but it's like neither of you understand what that even means," Harry snapped, dropping his bag into a chair and folding his arms over his chest, keeping his glower on Snape.

Snape eyed him a moment longer before turning and walking behind his desk, muttering the words that made the door appear in the wall and Harry followed him. "The people Draco surrounds himself with are hardly what one would call real friends. They are lackeys, for lack of a better term. They worship the ground he walks on because of his family and who they are. He has admirers and that's how he likes things. Most people like Draco, from families like his, have to learn to survive that way…They don't trust people, and rightfully so. It tends to lead to bad things, having to deal with so much alone…it would be a blow to his pride to admit everything he has suffered in his life," Snape explained. He had walked into his living room and waved his wand, sending the furniture to their places on the walls as he did during every lesson. He then turned to Harry, a strange look in his black eyes that Harry couldn't define. "If you really must be such a damned moral, noble Gryffindor, however…I don't think it would hurt to keep trying."

Snape pulled out his wand and opened his mouth, probably to begin explaining whatever they'd be doing this evening. Harry quickly beat him to the punch, though, confused and irritated over the whole thing. Snape wanted him to befriend Malfoy. "You sure you're not just saying that to have me humiliate myself?"

Snape snorted. "I have better things to do with my time. If you find it so objectionable, then by all means-"

"It's not that…" Harry began, feeling suddenly ashamed of himself. "I mean…It does seem like he might need friends, but…I don't think it would ever work. Could you ever imagine being friends with my dad? If he were alive?"

Snape looked dangerous. His black eyes were suddenly lit by some angry fire, wide as his nostrils flared and his lips pressed into a thin line. Harry mentally berated himself for bringing that up…He himself didn't want to think about his father and his bullying days, but he had already said it. "I just mean…Malfoy's never been much better. He's awful to me…I shouldn't care so much that he's been through all of that but…Well, no one should go through that and…I don't know," Harry said, confused by his own thoughts. He was irritated that anyone would want him to be friends with someone like Malfoy after all Malfoy had done to him and his friends…But he himself had already come up with the idea on his own and had seen no problem with it.

"I highly doubt you can compare Draco Malfoy to James Potter," Snape growled.

Harry bit his tongue and kept quiet a moment to keep the nastiest of his thoughts to himself. It wasn't like he had seen everything his father had done to be able to tell if it was true or not, to be able to tell which of them was worse. "Maybe not, but even so…It doesn't make what Malfoy does okay just because someone else was worse," Harry replied coldly.

The potions master looked ready to explode, but like Harry had took a moment to compose himself before speaking in a very strained tone. "Your father led a very blessed life, Potter. He had two parents who loved and adored him. He had a large group of friends to enjoy…He was popular…He did all that he did for fun. Draco, however, has not had a perfect life. He has been spoiled by two parents who love him, sure, but there is a lot more to it than just that…Perhaps it may not excuse his behavior," Snape added reluctantly, "but…you must understand…why he…He needs friends, Potter, okay? He doesn't have anyone he can be open with and as loathe as I am to have my godson fraternizing with the likes of you, I believe it might do him some good."

Harry nodded slowly, though he was still tense and irritated with the man. What did Snape know about his father? James Potter could have had a hard life…But from what Harry had heard, his father had had it pretty good in life up until the last few years when he was fighting against Voldemort to his death. And from what little Harry knew about Draco's life, he could agree that maybe he needed a real friend. And thinking about Crabbe and Goyle and Zabini and Nott, Harry found it hard to think any of them were able to offer a true friendship. "I'll think about it if he stops throwing things into my cauldron…Or if you stop blaming me for it," Harry said, trying to lighten the mood. Unfortunately, his tone didn't portray the teasing he had meant and Snape glowered at him. "It was just a joke…Can't expect much from either of you," Harry muttered. "So what are we learning today?"

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**Author's Note:** Struggled a bit to make the end of the chapter work, so I hope the time and effort was worth it and it's okay lol! Thanks to all who reviewed and I really hope people continue to review! I'd love to know what everyone thinks and let's me know people are interested or not lol. Anyway, the lyrics in the chapter title are from "Fiction" by Avenged Sevenfold.


	15. We're Not Playing a Game Anymore

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_We're Not Playing a Game Anymore_

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Severus found himself so lost in thought, he didn't notice the silence that had fallen upon himself and his student. He merely sat in his chair, staring off into space and taking small sips of his brandy now and then. It had been a long and hard lesson that had left Potter exhausted, though they had managed a small amount of chit chat. Things had been tense for the past few days, since their disagreement concerning Draco Malfoy. Severus found it hard to believe that Potter wanted to help out the young Malfoy…Severus was fiercely protective of his godson, even more so since the discovery of what took place between father and son. Draco had even come to him about it the following day and the pair agreed that it was odd and uncertain of what to trust.

Tonight, Potter was daring enough to bring it up and Severus had forced himself to remain silent to hear the boy out. "I'm not trying to do anything, you know," the boy had exclaimed in exasperation, desperate for someone to believe him. "I mean, he's a right git, so I don't know why I would want to be his friend…But I dunno. Just because he's an arse, doesn't mean he deserves to be treated like that. By his own father, no less! And just…" by now, the boy was flushing in such a manner that Severus found it hard to keep hold of his anger. "I dunno. I mean, I would never go through all of the trouble just to humiliate him. That's such a…Slytherin thing to do. And I know, I know…I really messed up with what I said to him. I apologized and I know that doesn't make it better, but…ugh. I regret saying it and I want to make up for it and…I dunno," Potter had carried on, before letting out a breath of frustration and settling back on the couch, blushing furiously.

"Shut up, Potter," Severus said coolly, though his voice was far less sharp and mean as it had been lately. Potter seemed to notice and he relaxed a bit, going on to talk about how happy he was to be going to the Burrow for Christmas and teased him about having to stay here with Umbridge while Potter got a chance to escape her for a while. Severus listened for a while before slowly falling into his current state of pensiveness. There was much to think about, concerning Potter's earlier outburst concerning Draco. In all honesty, his godson could use someone to talk to. Someone his age. A real friend. Severus wasn't sure how to even get Draco to like that idea, but maybe it would be good for him. Somehow, part of Severus had finally begun to believe Potter. A smaller part still refused to buy it, still sore over renewed memories of his school years suffering at the hands of James Potter, still bitter and still refusing to believe any Potter could be any good. The bigger part of him, though, could see how much like Lily he was…And more importantly, how much like Severus himself he was. What Potter had said to Draco was awful, but Severus very clearly remembered that horrible day when he called Lily a Mudblood, ruining their friendship forever…He hadn't meant it and in a fit of anger it had come out…And it wasn't even Lily he had been angry with! Severus, though he would never admit it, could see how one could say something so awful without being intentionally nasty.

He certainly wasn't about inform Draco of that.

He didn't want to feel better about Potter…He felt far more comfortable disliking the boy. Still, he resigned himself to the fact that he could no longer hate him. Instead he let his mind wander, his heart growing painful in his chest as he thought about his sweet Lily…Her dark red hair and her beautiful, plump lips he had always wanted to kiss…After a while he was horrified to discover he was imagining running his fingers through unruly black hair, staring down into familiar green eyes darkened in lust, tracing his fingertip over a lightning bolt shaped scar…Severus blinked rapidly, his heart pounding harshly in his chest. Where the bloody hell did that come from? He quickly downed the last of his brandy and stood up. He really needed to clear his head…Or get his head checked out. Surely there was something mentally unstable about him, if he was entertaining such thoughts about Potter…And he didn't even have the excuse of being asleep or recently seeing one of Potter's dreams. He definitely needed to make an appointment at St. Mungo's during break, he thought bitterly.

Odd hissing noises alerted Severus to the fact that Potter was still here! He froze and stared down at the boy who was asleep on his couch. His beautiful face was scrunched up and his lips were moving, emitting those strangely exotic hissing sounds while his body twitched, each movement of his limbs growing more and more violent until he was near thrashing on the couch. Severus's eyes grew wide as he watched the boy suffering from his nightmare…Of course, this was Potter…It couldn't be an ordinary nightmare, could it? "Damn it, Potter…Just got through practicing Occlumency," Severus muttered, his agitation weak as he moved forward and hesitantly crouched down beside the boy. "Shouldn't even be sleeping in here…Potter. Potter, wake up," Severus commanded, reaching out uncertainly. He had strong reservations about touching the boy after everything, but he needed to wake up. It wasn't safe to continue having dreams about the Dark Lord. Pushing past his issues, Severus grabbed the boy to hold him still and shook him gently. "Potter, wake up! Wake up!" Severus said a bit more loudly. Finally his movements stilled a bit, his braething ragged, and those bright green eyes Severus had only moments ago been imagining flew open, wild in some sort of sick delight that soon melted into fear and confusion. "Potter," Severus said, slowly stilling his hands and staring down at him, taking a moment to pull his hands back to himself.

"Professor!" the boy gasped, shooting up so fast it surprised Severus. Potter hissed again, though it sounded more like a normal sound of pain rather than the language of snakes. "You have to get help! Mr. Weasley is hurt!"

Severus froze, cocking an eyebrow. Arthur Weasley? Severus wracked his brain, trying to think of any special missions assigned to Arthur Weasley at the last Order meeting.

"He's been attacked! You have to tell Dumbledore! Quick! He needs help! There's blood everywhere!"

Severus nodded and stood up quickly, grabbing Potter and helping him to his feet. "We're going to go see the headmaster. Do not under any circumstances tell him you were asleep on my couch…You were helping me grade papers and got bored and fell asleep. I shall make a remark about your atrocious snoring," he said with a snort, keeping his hand on Potter as they quickly moved to exit his chambers and headed out into the hallway. It was almost curfew and they passed no one in the halls as they headed to the headmaster's office. Potter looked unwell when he awoke, so Severus kept his hand on his arm to keep him steady and only yanked it away as they stood in front of the gargoyles guarding the office.

"Fizzing Whizbee," Severus said. The gargoyle sprang to life and leapt aside and the wall behind split in two, allowing them entrance to the moving stone staircase. Part of him was tempted to reach out and hold onto Potter's arm again, but he looked steady enough by now. He resisted the urge and held his arms firmly at his sides until they reached the door, knocking with the griffin knocker. He stood back, feeling nearly as anxious as Potter looked as the door opened and the two stepped in.

"Oh, it's you, Professor Snape…and…ah."

"Headmaster, Potter has had…a vision," Severus explained, nodding to the boy. Potter wasn't paying much attention to him, though. Instead his wide, bloodshot eyes were focused on Albus. After a moment the old man nodded to the younger wizard and Potter glanced between both men before speaking.

"Sir, Mr. Weasley's been attacked! Someone has to help him," Potter explained quickly. "Attacked by a giant snake!"

Albus slowly nodded. "How did you see this?" he asked quietly.

"Well, I don't know," Potter said, his tone angry and Severus was tempted to reprimand him and take points for using such a tone with the headmaster. Albus was calm, though, and Severus wondered why they didn't immediately get to the point. Wasn't it more important to ask where the vision had taken place, rather than how the boy had seen it take place? Severus wasn't exactly good friends with Arthur, but he didn't think it right to let an innocent man die if they could help the situation. He said nothing, though. Albus was wise and after all these years, he had finally started understanding that the headmaster was normally right about things.

"You misunderstand me," Albus said, his voice remaining calm as ever. "I mean…can you remember-er-where you were positioned as you watched the attack happen? Were you perhaps standing beside the victim or else looking down on the scene from above."

"I was the snake," Potter said. "I saw it from the snake's point of view…"

Severus turned sharply to stare at the boy. He was the snake? He turned to Albus and opened his mouth, but just as quickly closed it and said nothing.

"Is Arthur seriously injured?" Albus asked, his voice sharp now.

"Yes!"

Severus could sympathize with the boy's frustrations. It was likely done on Order business and there was no doubt in his mind that Potter was speaking of the Dark Lord's snake, Nagini. Severus very well couldn't run out and do anything and instead waited impatiently as Albus took control of the situation, standing as still as ever as he and Potter watched Albus stand and address one of the portraits. "Everard? And you, too, Dilys! You were listening?"

"Naturally," said the witch.

"The man has red hair and glasses. Everard, you will need to raise the alarm, make sure he is found by the right people-"

Both the wizard and the witch nodded and moved away, out of sight. The other portraits pretended to be asleep and Severus rolled his eyes at them. They were rather good at what they did, but Severus saw through them easily…Especially since they all kept peaking out from under their eyelids.

Albus went on to explain how important Everard and Dilys were and explained that they could move between portraits and could probably get them some information before offering them both a seat. Severus took a seat, sitting rigid in his chair, his mind buzzing as he hastily went over the facts in his head. He thought of the last Order of the Phoenix meeting and the last meeting with the Dark Lord. People are going to get hurt, he reminded himself. There was nothing anyone could do to stop it. Besides, he doubted Arthur could give the Dark Lord what he wanted. He could at least take comfort in knowing that there was no way the Dark Lord could have gathered anything useful from the man. Considering Potter had only recently had this vision, Severus was sure something could be done to save that ridiculous man.

He took even more comfort in coming up with more selfish reasons for his concern. Attacks on Order members only reminded him of how dangerous his job was, even more dangerous than anyone else's. He, the double agent…Trying (and so far, succeeding) to fool the most powerful Dark Wizard of their time. He was putting his life at risk every time he went to go see that man…Those thoughts, while awful, gave him some amount of comfort.

Even after all of these years after switching sides, feeling anything for anyone else bothered him. Concern for his students, worry about Order members…Kinder feelings for most people left him feeling strange. That didn't necessarily go for everyone…The Malfoys were old friends and especially considering Draco was his godson, he felt more at ease with them…His old friend, Septima Vector, and even Albus Dumbledore…Those relationships made sense to him. He was a Slytherin, though…A heartless bastard who had committed many sins in his lifetime, the biggest one yet being the reason the woman he loved was dead. He wasn't supposed to feel anything and every time he caught himself behaving like a human being, he took careful measure to come up with some reason to acting or feeling as he did.

Severus hardly noticed Albus speaking to Fawkes or messing with things around his office, only being pulled back into the present when Dilys the portrait began speaking. "-St. Mungo's, Dumbledore…They carried him under my portrait…He looks bad."

Severus glanced at Potter for a moment, noticing how the boy was shifting constantly in his seat, looking slightly better, though highly impatient. He appeared most disturbed by the news, though some part of the boy seemed relieved that the man was at least alive at the moment.

His attention was pulled away as Albus addressed him. "Severus, I need you to get Minerva…Inform her of what's taking place and make sure she wakes the Weasley children."

"Of course," Severus replied, nodding to the headmaster and standing. He was tempted to reach out and pat the boy on the head or the shoulder in comfort, but tightened his fingers into a fist and walked out of the door.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"Harry-what's going on? Professor McGonagall said you saw Dad hurt!" Ginny said, rushing in, looking frightened. Fred, George, Ron, and Professor McGonagall were all right behind her.

Harry glanced up at his friends, barely able to look at them more than a few seconds each. He had seen their dad hurt…He had been the one to do it, a voice in his head told him. That thought made Harry feel sick all over again. The images flashed through his mind, so vivid he almost feared it was happening all over again. Slithering along the floor, sensing Mr. Weasley, Mr. Weasley drawing his wand, rearing up and plunging his fangs into the flesh, a warm gush of blood, the sound and feel of bones breaking beneath his jaw…Harry shuddered, opening his mouth, though no words came out.

Dumbledore came to his rescue, quickly speaking before Harry could even have much of a chance. "Your father has been injured in the course of his work for the Order of the Phoenix. He has been taken to St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. I am sending you to Sirius's house, which is much more convenient for the hospital than the Burrow. You will meet your mother there."

"How are we going?" Fred asked, looking shaken. "Floo powder?"

"No," Dumbledore replied. "Floo powder is not safe at the moment. The Network is being watched. You will be taking a Portkey. We are just waiting on Phineas Nigellus to report back…I wish to be sure that the coast is clear before sending you-"

There was a flash of flame in the middle of the office that made Harry jump, his heart racing painfully. One single golden feather was left behind, floating gently to the floor.

"That is Fawkes's warning," said Dumbledore, catching the feather as it fell. "She must know you're out of your beds…Minerva, go and head her off-tell her any story-"

Professor McGonagall was gone in a swish of her tartan.

"He says he'll be delighted," said a bored voice from behind Dumbledore. Phineas Nigellus was back in front of his Slytherin banner. "My great-great-grandson has always had an odd taste in houseguests…"

"Come on then. Quickly, before anyone joins us," Dumbledore said. Harry stood up shakily to join the others, but Dumbledore frowned and shook his head. "Harry, I wish for you to remain here for now."

Harry wanted to protest, but found that he was too tired and upset to do so. His tongue felt twisted and his voice was lost and as badly as he wanted to argue, he couldn't. He flopped back down into his seat, watching jealously and irritably as the Weasleys gathered around the Portkey. He wanted to go see Sirius. He wanted to be with his friends and hear if Mr. Weasley was okay. He tried not to glare as Ginny, Ron, Fred, and George touched the Portkey and were taken away.

Dumbledore turned to him immediately. "I apologize, my boy…Must make this quick. I know you wish to enjoy Christmas with Sirius and your friends, but I would feel far more comfortable if you would remain here during your break. It is much to ask, I am aware, but it is of vital importance that you practice Occlumency harder than ever."

Harry tried not to let his eyes narrow at the headmaster. So he wasn't going at all? He was going to be stuck here during his break with Umbridge! And even more lessons! He wanted to comfort his friends and make sure Mr. Weasley survived. He wanted to spend Christmas happily with his friends and his beloved godfather…Not here. Not to mention the fact that Dumbledore wanted to stop the very thing that may very well have saved Mr. Weasley's life!

"But, sir-!" Harry began.

"Not now, Harry. I am deeply sorry…You must return to your dormitory, however. Quickly…I shall write you an excuse, should you run into trouble," Dumbledore explained, quickly jotting down a note and handing Harry the parchment. He didn't even look at it.

"But, Professor. Why should-"

"It is important, Harry," Dumbledore interrupted. "I won't change my mind on the matter. I will inform Professor Snape shortly and you will arrive in his office the same time tomorrow night."

Harry stood up, his arms trembling and his mouth hanging open, wanting to scream out in frustration. "Y…Yes, Professor," Harry spat bitterly, turning around and marching out of the office, clenching his fist around the parchment in his hand. It was a lucky thing Harry didn't run into Umbridge in the corridors on his way back to Gryffindor Tower. He had a feeling he might have hexed her. He did hear her voice, arguing angrily with McGonagall far off somewhere, though he couldn't understand them. He had been half tempted to hunt them down, though he wasn't sure what he would do…Certainly he wasn't stupid enough to do anything in front of his Head of House. Gritting his teeth, he did as he was told, almost wishing for another dream to come as he laid down in bed, ignoring the questions of the other boys.

"McGonagall pulled Ron out of here. Do you know what happened?"

"I heard someone got hurt!"

"Harry?"

"Maybe he's asleep."

"He can't be!"

"Harry?"

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Neville, Seamus, Dean, Lavender, and Pavarti cornered him in the common room the next morning. He had been waiting awkwardly in the corner for Hermione to come out, hoping and praying no one would spot him. No such luck, apparently.

"Mate, did you hear what happened to the Weasleys?"

"What happened?" asked, trying his hardest to look and sound surprised.

Everyone seemed to buy it.

"Told you he was asleep," Neville muttered to the other boys.

"McGongall apparently came in and got Ginny last night," Lavender explained. "Jenny Ingram told me!"

"She got Ron, too! And Lee said he saw her get Fred and George, too. Didn't say much," Dean agreed.

"Oh God…I wonder what…Er, excuse me," he said, walking away hastily when he spotted Hermione. No one seemed suspicious of him, though, and he was grateful for it. Of course he'd go after Hermione to see what she knew. He had a feeling certain people would be eavesdropping, so Harry quickly nodded to the door. "We need to talk," he muttered and quickly led her out into the corridor. Everyone was awake and walking around, but none of them knew anything and wouldn't be asking any questions.

In whispers, Harry quickly caught Hermione up on the events of last night. At first she seemed scandalized by the idea of him falling asleep in Snape's quarters, but quickly turned into horror and concern when he recounted his dream and what happened in Dumbledore's office. Harry could feel himself getting all worked up again towards the end, wanting to go right back to the headmaster's office to beg him to let him go to Sirius's for Christmas break and tell him he wouldn't practice Occlumency anymore…He had always had a feeling his visions were useful, and last night only proved it! Mr. Weasley might have a chance to survive all because of what Harry saw and because he was able to warn someone!

"…I just don't get why he wants me to practice, is all. Think about it, Hermione-"

"I know where you're going with this, Harry," Hermione cut in, sounding exasperated. "You never thought these lessons were a good idea…but Dumbledore thinks so, Harry! And Dumbledore is smart…He knows what he's talking about. If he thinks you need to know Occlumency, you need to know it!"

"Oh, so I should just risk letting a bunch of people die and risk not knowing important information just for…I don't even know what it's for!"

"They explained this already, Harry! It's so you don't risk letting Voldemort into your mind!" Hermione exclaimed.

Harry shook his head stubbornly. He would know if Voldemort was in his head…Besides, no one told Harry anything anyway. What important pieces of information could Voldemort get from him? Harry, however, risked losing a lot by not being able to keep this connection…

"I don't know what you're so worried about, anyway. At least you get more time with Professor Snape."

Harry glowered at her. "This isn't about that or him or anything!" Harry snapped.

"It's bad enough he lets you into his private rooms without you falling asleep there, Harry," Hermione explained.

"I know, I know, I know," Harry snapped. "Again, I repeat, this isn't about him! Whatever feelings I may have for him don't matter right now. What matters is is that my friends are upset and Mr. Weasley is hurt and I don't get to spend Christmas with my friends and family…Instead I have to waste my holiday on lessons that are going to do more harm than good!"

"They are plenty of good, Harry!" Hermione replied.

"You know what? Go have a bloody good time with everyone," Harry snapped. "Wish them all a very Merry Christmas without me!" he spat bitterly, spinning around and marching off, ignoring Hermione's exclamations for him to come back and her comments on how rude and childish he was being. Harry didn't care. She didn't understand…No one understood! He needed to relieve his anger…He was much too angry…Part of him wondered if it was Voldemort making him so crazy, but he could usually tell when the feelings were coming from Voldemort. Sadly, this was all him…

Of fucking course, he would turn the corner and run right into Umbridge, the awful woman herself. "Potter!" Umbridge exclaimed, that sick little smile of hers in place, her eyes as cold as ever. "You really should be more careful."

"Could say the same for you," Harry said before he could stop himself.

"Tsk, tsk," Umbridge said, eyes flickering down to his right hand. Harry balled it into a fist, thinking of the place on the back of his hand that once had scars. I must not tell lies, he could see clearly in his hand. "A detention, I think, Mr. Potter. You really should learn some manners."

"Already have detention with Snape," Harry said.

Umbridge's smile tightened. "Surprise, surprise. You end up with detention with Snape an awful lot."

The way she said it made Harry wonder if she suspected something. Somehow, it wasn't the real lessons they were having Harry thought she suspected…Only those things Harry wished were happening.

"What can I say? I have a bad habit of pissing everyone off."

"Language, Potter," Umbridge said quietly. "Now…I must have a talk with Professor Snape about a time when you'll be free."

"You do that," Harry said, storming past her and ignoring all the mutters and stares around him as he headed back to Gryffindor Tower.

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**Author's Note:** Another chapter up! I'm trying to keep some events true to OotP, so some things will seem very similar, if not exactly from the book. I hope everyone enjoyed it! Please review! I do so love them! Song title are lyrics from "Sleep to Dream" by Fiona Apple.


	16. Keep On Waiting Underneath the Mistletoe

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Keep On Waiting Underneath the Mistletoe_

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"Loathe as I am to admit it, I am inclined to agree with Granger."

Harry glared up at Snape as he stumbled back a bit after having his mind intruded. One memory Snape had seen was the memory of arguing with Hermione just yesterday about not wanting these lessons. He managed to hide it yesterday, to avoid being fussed at, but found today he wanted Snape to know how he felt about this whole thing. He already knew the man wouldn't agree with him, but Harry was at least determined that everyone who mattered knew how he felt about this. He was irritated that no one was listening to him, but he felt a bit of petty pleasure in knowing he wasn't going to listen to any of them. They could make him take these lessons all they wanted, but he was determined not to apply any of the skill into his real life, if he ever managed to do well in Occlumency.

"I am also rather disappointed to hear you have been instigating issues with Dolores Umbridge," Snape said, giving him a harsh look. "I was tempted to let her have you, but took the liberty of telling her you were serving detention with me until I saw fit for you to stop…It could very well take the rest of the year. I did so because the headmaster wants to see you do well in this…But since you're so adamant that you will not take this seriously, perhaps I should hand you over to her."

"It'd be a lot better than wasting my time here," Harry replied.

Snape glowered at him. "Just when I thought we were getting along, Potter."

That stopped Harry. Getting along? It wasn't much, but Harry felt a rush of happiness at the thought of Snape actually admitting they were getting along well…It had to mean something for Snape to say that, didn't it? Then he started to feel badly for risking messing that up…But at the sight of Snape's smirk, Harry's glare returned and he clenched his fists. So the man was just screwing with him?

"Come now, Potter," Snape said, rolling his eyes. "You really must be more mature than this."

"Just because I'm not doing what everyone else wants me to do, I'm immature?"

"It's immature to assume you know better than everyone else, including a wise man like Albus Dumbledore. Everyone raves about Granger's brilliance, and yet you ignore her, as well. You won't even listen to the man you are lusting after…Pity, I was hoping to use my charms to talk some sense into you."

"Of course you'd use that against me!" Harry snapped, feeling more hurt than anything by Snape's words and embarrassed as his feelings were brought into the conversation. "How very Slytherin of you, sir. I'd even go as far as to say how James of you-"

"Don't. You. Dare."

The two men glowered at each other and somehow Harry felt pleased. Harry hadn't seen such rage in Snape's eyes in what felt like far too long. He almost felt ashamed of himself for bringing such a thing up, but he was too upset himself at the moment to care.

"Potter," Snape said, his voice strained and momentarily Harry saw some sort of struggle in his expression. He was fighting himself…Fighting back his anger the best he could. Realizing this sobered Harry up a bit and he calmed down slightly. "Potter…The Dark Lord has yet to discover your connection…I am sure that seems fine to you now, now that it's not hurting you. Maybe you even fancy yourself useful, being able to see into his mind…But do you have any idea how dangerous it would be for him to get into your mind? I am well aware of your feelings on the matter, Potter…I know you don't think you know anything useful, so that it shouldn't matter…But everything matters. Every little thing the Dark Lord can learn about you will give him the upper hand. Can you imagine the sort of danger you would be putting everyone in by doing so? If not you, imagine what you know about your friends that the Dark Lord could use to his advantage! Think, Potter! Think, for one moment! Knowledge is power! The more you know about Occlumency, the better off you will be…And the more the Dark Lord knows about you and the people who matter to you, the better off he'll be."

Stubbornness urged Harry to argue. After the big show he'd made of things, he didn't want to give up on his stance of things so easily. Still, he shifted on his feet and looked away, hating that Snape had a point. He hadn't even thought of any of that…He just figured Voldemort wouldn't get much out of him if he did notice the connection. Harry still wondered what useful things Harry knew that Voldemort could find useful, but any personal information might very well do. His tense body slumped a bit, quickly losing his anger and confidence…He ignored Snape's smirk, resisting the urge to snap at the man again.

"Let us try that again," Snape went on. "Legilimens!"

Unimportant memories came to mind. DA lessons…Cho kissing him under the mistletoe and his shock and confusion as he stood entirely still, then the sobbing she succumbed to shortly after. Then there was the other night, Harry telling Snape about recent DA lessons before noticing the man wasn't listening and he took to just staring at the man while he paid no notice…Then telling Ron he was gay and recalling his own concern about confessing who he fancied…

Snape chuckled darkly as he pulled out of Harry's mind. "Of course…I can only imagine how Weasley would react to discovering his best friend's deep, dark secret…It must really make you wonder what on Earth is wrong with you, to feel such desires for the man you hate."

"I don't hate you…anymore," Harry replied, glaring at the man. "And I can't be any more twisted than the man who fantasizes about fifteen year old boys."

Something flashed angrily in Snape's black eyes, but his lips curled up in another chilly smirk. "Touché, Potter. Fortunately for the both of us, I have thus far showed great restraint," Snape said, his voice cool and almost teasing…The way he worded it, however, almost made it sound like a warning…Harry didn't think he would mind so much if Snape lost control with him…Imagining Snape bending him over his desk…Harry wasn't sure if he was being obvious with where his mind was going or not, but Snape snorted and Harry pulled himself out of his fantasy.

"Again!" Snape said.

It felt like hours that Snape was digging through his mind. After a while Harry started to fight back, but he didn't manage much…His mind was already so worn out by that point. Many of his fantasies were pulled back into his mind…That night with Lucius pretending to be Snape…Days when he was crushing on Cho and how he felt nothing as she kissed him a few nights ago. Ron's teasing over Harry being a bad kisser when he told Ron and Hermione about the fact…Snape apparently couldn't resist teasing him about it at the end of everything.

"Maybe you should kiss me and find out," Harry snapped defensively, perfectly prepared to prove that he wasn't a bad kisser and half hoping Snape would take him up on the offer…Lucius had kissed him, but it hadn't really been Snape.

"Nice try, Potter."

Harry shrugged, wishing his face wouldn't flush the way he could feel it begin to. "Well, had to give it a shot."

Snape nodded, looking amused, though there was something else in his eyes Harry couldn't place. He was grateful when Snape moved the furniture back with a flick of his wand and he flopped down on his couch eagerly while Snape took his usual chair.

"So…You still don't talk to your family?" Harry immediately asked. It had been a little over a week since Snape had told him about his family, and Harry had been too unsure of things to broach that subject again…But thinking about missing out on Christmas with the people he cared about, he couldn't' help but wonder if Snape was missing out on anything, too.

Snape was quiet for a moment and for a moment Harry wondered if he had upset the man. He rolled over onto his side to look at the man who was instead staring thoughtfully into the fire. "Not my parents, since I was seventeen. I have kept some contact, however, with my sister."

"Are they still alive, your parents?" Harry asked curiously.

"I'm not sure, really. Phaedra is smart enough not to mention them," Snape replied.

Harry nodded his head. It seemed so strange to him for someone to not even know or care if their parents were dead or alive. Snape had said, though, that his father had tried making it up to him once, but he had never forgiven either of his parents. Harry was tempted to encourage him to talk to them, but figured that might be going too far. "What's she like? Your sister?"

"Nothing like me…Not only would I agree with my Father's original assumptions that my mother had an affair, but I would go as far as to claim she was adopted," Snape said, sounding amused as he said this. "She's a Squib, but she doesn't seem to mind much. She's such a romantic…She likes to enjoy her own fantasy worlds and loves hearing about the Wizarding world…She acts like it's more of a story than real life, though. She's very kind…Almost to a fault. She puts up with keeping correspondence with me, so she is obviously a saint." Snape and Harry shared a laugh at that one.

"Do you ever see her?" Harry asked.

"Now and then. She likes near my parents…She actually enjoys their presence, for some reason. I live in our old home during summer, though, and every other year or so she'll pay a short visit."

"That must be nice," Harry said quietly, trying to imagine a younger, female version of Snape showing up at his house and smiling and wearing a pink dress and discussing the weather and the cookies she baked while Snape scowled at her. Harry bit back a laugh at the mental image. "You don't have anyone to see for Christmas?"

"No…Nor do I care to. I do not put much stock in the holiday."

"Oh," Harry said simply, frowning a bit. Thinking about Christmas made him sad…He could only imagine what his friends were all up to right now at Grimmauld Place. He longed to be with them, whether they were enjoying themselves or doing chores as they had all summer. He belonged with them…As much as he enjoyed Snape's presence, he still wanted to be with the people who cared about him.

"You must have a lot of…enjoyment for this time of year, however."

"Yeah," Harry said with a sad smile. "I never used to…Birthdays and Christmas and that sort of thing never mattered. I didn't have anyone who cared. I lived with my own flesh and blood for eleven years, but I didn't really feel like I had a family until I came here and met Ron and Hermione. I know it must sound like sentimental junk to you, but…I never really had anyone who cared about me and it's nice…You know. Even if I do worry they're going to get themselves killed by being my friends, I am very glad to have them in my life…I love them and…I think that's a very important thing…To me, anyway."

Harry half expected Snape to start making fun of him at any moment now, but there was silence for a moment. Harry laid there, his heart aching as he thought about the place he would much rather be while anxiously awaiting a response he was starting to suspect might never come.

"I…don't think it's junk…" Snape finally said.

Harry smiled, half wanting to tease the man about what he had said…But Harry didn't quite know what to say and didn't want to ruin the moment. "It's not even the presents…I couldn't care less about them…I just…I wish I could spend that time with people I care about and who care about me…That's the only thing that's supposed to matter, isn't it?"

"If you're being honest, Potter, you must be one in a million," Snape snorted. "I'm sure most people enjoy their families, but most people only view such events as a reason to get more things."

"I might very well be one of those people, too, if I didn't know what it was like to miss out on something as special as family and friends," Harry said thoughtfully. He never imagined what he would be like if his parents had survived or if he had grown up with anyone other than the Dursley's…If he did, he didn't think he would be much different, though realistically he figured he probably would be."

"People have a tendency to take such things for granted," Snape agreed quietly.

Silence followed for a few moments while Harry gathered his thoughts. "What was Christmas like when you were younger?"

"No different than yours, I imagine," Snape said. "My classmates enjoyed rubbing their happiness and gifts in my face. My family was much too poor for gift exchanges."

"You could have celebrated without gifts…Or…Mrs. Weasley likes to make her gifts…She always makes everyone sweaters…And it wouldn't have to be an expensive gift to be special," Harry said. "The Weasley's don't have much money, but they're always in good spirits and always manage to give something to everyone."

"They're a rare breed…My father didn't like the idea of wasting what money we did have…I don't think Christmas was all too important to them to celebrate without presents," Snape replied with a shrug.

"That's kind of sad," Harry said.

"If you even suggest trying to make me celebrate such a ridiculous holiday I will hang you with the mistletoe."

"Aww, you do want to kiss me," Harry teased, almost immediately regretting the words. He cleared his throat at Snape's glare and went on. "Don't worry…I'm not stupid enough to suggest it…Though it would be nice."

Snape glowered even more and Harry just laughed and reluctantly sat up. "Well if you're going to be a Scrooge, I'm going to go back to the dorms. I can at least make the common room festive."

"Enjoy," Snape said with a snort. Harry just chuckled as he walked out, feeling strangely empty as he walked away from Snape's quarters. It was sad to think of anyone spending Christmas alone and was half tempted to call on Dobby and get him to leave something in Snape's rooms for him…While the gesture seemed kind enough to Harry, he knew it would be unwelcome, and figured the best Christmas gift he could give the man would be to leave him alone for the day…Even if he didn't necessarily want to.

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Waking up on Christmas, Harry felt lonely. He was the only boy in his dorms and having awoke from a dream where he was surrounded by the Weasleys and Hermione and Sirius was very disappointing indeed. He sat up and looked around at his presents, almost not wanting to open them…Still, he pulled them into his lap and began unwrapping them. Dobby had given him a picture the house elf had made himself…Harry spent a good few minutes trying to figure out what it was supposed to be until he flipped it on the back and it proclaimed it was supposed to be a portrait of Harry. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had sent the usual hand-knitted jumper with some mince pies…Ron had sent a giant box of Every Flavored Beans and Hagrid had sent a furry brown wallet with fangs, which he figured was supposed to act as an antitheft device, though Harry was too worried about losing fingers to use it. Tonks had sent a small, working model of a firebolt that flew around the room. Sirius and Lupin had given him a set of wonderful books that would be useful for the DA, Practical Defensive Magic and It's Use Against the Dark Arts…Harry flipped through it eagerly, jumping as a folded note flew at him as he flipped to one particular page.

Carefully he set the book down and carefully unfolded the note. Something hard fell onto his chest, but he didn't spare it a glance as he eagerly read over the parchment.

_Harry,_

_I'm really sorry you couldn't be with us for Christmas. I would have really loved to see you. Dumbledore's right, though. You really need to focus on your lessons and do well. Preparing you is the most important thing to anyone right now._

_Just make sure you're working hard! I don't want to have missed out on time spent with my favorite godson for nothing! I can't imagine Christmas spent with Snape is anything to brag about. If he gives you a hard time, though, let me know. I won't have him treating you like dirt. If you ever need me, just use this._

_-Sirius_

Furrowing his eyebrows, Harry glanced down at the book, wondering how that would help him contact Sirius…He sat up and the thing that had fallen onto his chest now fell onto the book. It was a broken piece of mirror, it looked like. Harry wasn't sure how to work it or anything…He wished he could tell Sirius Merry Christmas, but he set the mirror piece aside. No need to make Sirius worry or anything. He probably expected Harry to use it in case of emergencies…Besides, any contact with Sirius with Umbridge going around couldn't be good at all.

Finally Harry grabbed his last present, one from Hermione. It was a notebook planner that talked too much when you opened it, nagging him about homework and projects he hadn't even written into it yet. Harry hastily closed it as it began harping on him and instead focused on the note taped to it's cover. He pulled it off and unfolded the letter from Hermione.

_Dear Harry,_

_Happy Christmas! I hope lessons are going well! I hope you like the planner-I think it'll really be useful for you and Ron to use. We do have OWLs coming up, you know._

_Anyway, I'm so excited to tell you. And we wanted you to be the first to know…Ron and I are together! He broke up with Susan for me apparently…Says he's fancied me over a year now! I'm so incredibly happy, Harry! This is by far the best Christmas I can remember having, and it's only just started. I hope you get up early and read this…We want you to be the first to know, but I'm not sure how long either of us can keep it a secret._

_Things couldn't be better right now! I hope things are going well for you. Write back soon, we miss you!_

_Love,_

_Hermione_

"Way to go, Ron," Harry whispered, grinning and rereading the letter. He had had his concerns about two friends getting together, but with how painfully obvious it was the two cared about each other and the lengths Hermione had gone to to deal with the pain of caring for him, Harry was glad to learn that they were finally together and so happy.

And yet he felt a wave of jealousy rush over him as he set the letter aside and piled up all of his gifts. It wasn't for the time his friends got to spend with one another, though…Rather it was the desire to have someone…Not just anyone, Harry thought to himself miserably. He laid back in bed and let his imagination wander.

What would it be like, if he could send Hermione a similar letter. He finally asked me out! Snape- No, Harry thought, shaking his head- Severus asked me out! Harry grinned and shook his head, wanting to roll his eyes at himself. Snape asking someone out…Calling Snape his boyfriend. How weird would that be? We're together…Severus and I are finally together he mentally corrected himself. There…That was much better, wasn't it?

"Congratulations, mate!" he imagined Ron saying.

"Oh, Harry, that's so wonderful!" he imagined Hermione saying gleefully, giving him a big hug.

They weren't very realistic dreams, but Harry figured he wouldn't like any of his more realistic thoughts on how his friends might react…Especially Ron.

He imagined decorating Snape's private quarters while Snape sat back with a glass of brandy and watched on in amusement. He'd hang tinsel and mistletoe and put up a tree and a wreath and everything. Snape would move his chair close to the fire and they would sit there together, Harry resting comfortably in Snape's lap, cuddled close to the man while strong arms wrapped around him. Thin lips would press into his hair and Harry would smile. Snape would allow him one glass of wine to celebrate with and would promise to stay just as sober, so they could enjoy each other. They'd kiss a bit, slow and soft touches of the lips…But never more than that. They'd stay awake for hours talking or just enjoying one another's company before falling asleep together on the couch…

It was the first nonsexual dream (daydream or otherwise) Harry had had about the man and he found as he snapped out of it that he was smiling to himself. Like his pictures of Ron and Hermione, though, the image wasn't very realistic. It was just a crush, though…That was normal. It would go away eventually and maybe Harry could find a guy closer to his own age…Or maybe a girl. Harry had yet to make up his mind about them.

Even knowing the hopelessness of the situation, Harry couldn't stop himself.

"Dobby!"

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Christmas was just another day to Severus Snape…He spent a great portion of the day grading papers and at last, after dinner, settled in on his couch with a glass of wine and a good book. He smiled to himself as he flipped it open to the first page, recalling a day many years ago when he and Phaedra had argued over the book. Severus enjoyed it immensely, but to Phaedra it wasn't near happy enough. Not much could be said for her taste, though. Severus snorted and let his eyes trail across the words. He had told Potter he could have the day off of training, if he wanted, and didn't expect to see the brat tonight.

How wrong he had been.

Severus raised his eyes when he felt the entrance to his chambers being created and opened. Potter walked in wearing an awful Weasley-made jumper and worn jeans with many holes. His black hair was in a wilder disarray than ever (if that was even possible) and was covered in a good bit of gold and silver glitter and a few strings of red tinsel and a bit of white powder he could only assume was snow. The boy was flushed and grinning. "Having a happy Christmas?"

"I was," Severus said, sighing and setting his book aside. "You've heard of knocking, haven't you?"

"Heard of it? Yes…Plenty of times. Best childhood stories, those," Potter replied with a cheeky grin.

"Brat."

Potter just grinned more and Severus had to refrain from smiling in return. "I thought I gave you the day off, Potter," he went on.

"You said I could if I wanted to. But I don't want to…What better way to spend Christmas than to have my mind attacked repeatedly for hours on end?"

"Many better ways, I assure you."

"Maybe I just missed you."

The boy was grinning teasingly but Severus stiffened and gave the boy an odd look. He wasn't being horribly blunt, but he was being a bit more forward than usual. "Maybe I have been too hard on you in Occlumency. Your brain is obviously malfunctioning."

Potter just shrugged. "Here I thought you thought I had no brain at all," he said with a smile and walked over to plop down on the couch beside him. Severus stiffened further, unease filling him as he glanced to his side where Potter sat, blissfully unaware of any awkwardness. Severus started to glare at him when suddenly a loud pop was heard in the room. Severus and Potter jumped and turned to see Dobby the house elf appear. "Professor Snape, sirs-! Ooh! Professor Snape and Harry Potter is sitting under the mistletoe!"

Misteltoe?

Both men immediately leaned their heads back, staring up at the offending plant hanging over them.

"You must kiss now, sirs!"

"Okay!" Potter agreed a bit too quickly.

"Absolutely not!"

"It is the rule!" Dobby exclaimed, smiling. "Harry Potter is wanting to kiss Professor Snape!"

"Harry Potter is a lunatic!"

"Erm…You should go now, Dobby…" Potter said, looking a bit worried now.

Dobby left and Severus turned to glare at Potter, feeling anger slowly boiling up inside of him. Was this some game to this foolish child? Was he aiming to humiliate him? Get him fired? Or just toy with him? Even if he did want this, trickery was no means of doing so. Part of him wondered if maybe he was getting a bit too angry over this, but he told himself it was justifiable. The boy just didn't understand boundaries or anything of that nature. He thought he could have everything he wanted because he was Harry Potter, and it was not about to work on him!

"You did this?" he growled.

"Thought it was worth a try," Potter said with a shrug, his voice and gesture giving off none of the nonchalance he probably wanted. Severus watched the boy stand up, biting his tongue to keep from cursing the child when Potter suddenly swooped down and gave him a peck on the lips before turning and running out of the room.

"ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!"

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**Author's Note: **Hehehe bad Harry. I would love some reviews please and thank you! Chapter title lyrics from "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey.


	17. Behind It All There's a Price to Be Paid

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Behind It All There's a Price to Be Paid_

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Albus Dumbledore wore a grim look as he silently walked down the corridors, somehow seeming so powerful and intimidating, even in his mismatched glow in the dark socks and his nightclothes. On the way they only passed Filch and Mrs. Norris, but Dumbledore didn't seem concerned that the Squib would go running his mouth to Umbridge. The boy beside him glanced towards the caretaker and his cat warily…Both seemed to glare after the walking pair and Filch turned to mutter to his cat. The boy didn't catch what was said and if the headmaster did, he made no sign that he had.

He felt more comfort as they entered the dungeons and was able to relax further as they walked into Professor Snape's office. Dumbledore easily led the way into the professor's private chambers where an exhausted Severus Snape sat in his chair, sipping at a glass of firewhiskey. "I apologize for bothering you this way, Severus, but he was insistent," Dumbledore said kindly, nodding to the potions master and then the boy. "I shall leave you two alone for now, but you should return to your dormitories before long, Draco."

"Yes, headmaster," Draco muttered, his arms loosening their hold around himself as he hesitantly looked up at his godfather. Black eyes were wide in shock and Severus slowly nodded. "I'll make sure that he gets to bed soon. Thank you, Albus."

Draco stood there awkwardly, feeling nothing like himself as he waited for Dumbledore to leave. This wasn't the Malfoy way. He hardly even knew who he was right now. His entire confidence had fallen…No more arrogant smiles, no more smooth words, no Malfoy grace, no nothing. He felt weak and pathetic and desperate for…for something. Draco didn't even know what it was he needed.

The moment the door closed, Severus was on his feet. "Draco, what happened?"

"I asked Mother if I could come back to school early…I didn't know what to tell her but…She begged Dumbledore to let me return early…" Draco muttered, too embarrassed to meet the man's eyes.

"What happened?" Severus demanded, struggling to keep his voice even.

"I just…I couldn't take it anymore…" Draco mumbled.

How pathetic was this? He had been dealing with this since the end of his third year. It hadn't bothered him this much before…Having that conversation with Severus earlier this year, though, put too much in his head. He tried to get through it. He tried hard to be okay with what happened at night. Malfoy pride made it okay. Malfoy men couldn't be raped. Lucius loved his son…All he was doing was pleasing his father. How wrong could that be? His stomach churned as he recalled all of the things his father whispered to him in the dark of the night, his face buried in pillows while his father pinned him to the bed, grunting and moaning as he moved on top of him, careful to kiss his back and neck and shoulders, always murmuring how beautiful Draco was. Thinking about it made him feel sick and all he wanted to do was scream out in agony.

Everything hurt, Draco thought to himself. His hair, where Lucius had gotten a bit too wild with hair-pulling. His arse, where his father had been a bit too rough. His hips and his sides and his thighs, everywhere skilled fingers gripped him too tightly, marring his pale flesh with nasty purple and black bruises. His head throbbed and his heart ached and everything within him was screaming, though his own voice was as quiet as ever.

"It's okay, Draco. You're safe now," Severus muttered, hesitantly reaching out his arms and Draco accepted the invitation happily, throwing himself into his godfather's arms. He wasn't afraid of his touch…Draco knew he was safe here.

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Severus was furious.

He never got back to sleep that night. He spent a few minutes comforting Draco, but all the boy wanted to do was sleep and do anything but talk about it. Severus escorted him to the entrance to the Slytherin rooms and left him in the care of Daphne and Astoria Greengrass who were wide awake, playing chess. They giggled and fussed over Draco and Severus had been half tempted to tell them to back off and order them all to bed, but he decided against it…Draco could probably do with a distraction.

He returned to his own rooms to pace the floors. He was too restless to crawl back into bed. He headed towards the fireplace many times, eager to head to Malfoy Manor and inform Narcissa of what sort of monster her husband was and what Lucius had been doing to their darling son. He wanted to punch Lucius so hard he would never look the same. He wanted to rip off that man's dick and force feed it to him. He needed someone to help him…He was sorely tempted to go to Albus or Septima, but figured both would be asleep and he definitely didn't need to share more about Draco's personal life than need be. He took to his old bottle of firewhiskey and drank and drank and drank. It was the only thing he could think to do to calm down at all.

At least Draco had left and returned to Hogwarts. He took some comfort in that fact. Draco knew when it was too much and he did something about it. He was realizing how wrong it was and he was doing something about it. Maybe it wasn't much, but it was a start and Severus was glad for it.

Unable to help himself, Severus began thinking of Potter's attempt at befriending Draco and couldn't help but wonder if maybe he should help the two boys along. Draco wasn't nearly as awful as he portrayed himself to be…Everything he did, he had done for his image, to make his parents proud and to make something of himself. He was a Malfoy…His reputation was important to him. Pride and greed were big flaws in the Malfoy line…In most pureblood lines, in all reality. That didn't necessarily make Draco evil, though, and with the right guidance, perhaps Draco could really be something…Not some cowardly, selfish brat his parents were raising him to be. The boy needed friends…A real friend. Someone he could talk to about his problems. Someone would listen to him…Someone who could be for him what Lily Evans had been for Severus…As hard as his childhood had been, Severus had no idea where he would be without her kindness.

As loathe as Severus himself was to accept help from anyone, he knew his godson needed it and so Severus spent many hours of the morning thinking of people who might be suitable to befriend Draco and when he concluded his best option was the Potter boy, plotted away, trying to come up with a good scheme to get the two together.

Potter was ever the hero…He had a saving people thing. Yet Severus didn't entertain ideas of putting his godson in danger for long. While he doubted Potter could resist saving someone, he didn't want to risk anything serious happening to Draco before Potter could foolishly swoop in to help. Sadly, it was the only real idea Severus could come up with. The two boys were set on hating each other, and while Potter might not be entirely opposed to the idea of mending things, Severus also knew it was going to take a lot to get Draco to open up and accept help and accept friendship. The idiot boy would only claim he had plenty of friends! As if the likes of Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle and that cow Pansy Parkinson could be considered friends to anyone.

Severus was almost ashamed of the plan he settled on…Surely he could have done much better. He was a spy, for crying out loud! A Slytherin! He was brilliant and talented, and yet he had given up on any sort of grand schemes (considering most involved putting Draco in harm's way or would certainly lead to trouble for one of the boys) and had settled on what felt like a horribly childish plan. He had owled Draco and asked him to come down to his office and that he needed to see him tonight, scheduled right around the time Potter was to show up for their lessons. Severus was really keen on the idea of locking them both in his office, but he had a feeling that would end badly for his office and one or both of them would end up with severe injuries. No…The only plan that had any hope of working was giving the boys a chance alone together and give Potter a chance to try to reach out to the Slytherin boy yet again…Hopefully he could rely on Potter to do just that. There was much that could go wrong with the plan, but after having gone over every scenario he could and admitting it would be no easy feat, he was just going to have to settle on this and hope for the best.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

While Draco Malfoy entertained the Greengrass sisters and Severus Snape paced his living room, deep in thought, Harry Potter was tossing and turning in his bed, suffering from an amazing dream that turned into a horrible, embarrassing nightmare.

It all started off with what had taken place the night before. Only in his dream, when he swooped down to kiss Snape, Snape grabbed him before he could pull away and pulled him down into his lap. The man kissed him deeply and Harry clung to him eagerly and moaned loudly when the man rubbed their hips together, Harry feeling almost giddy when he felt the man's arousal pressing into his own. It took the course most dreams of his did, kissing and touching and Snape had just started to remove Harry's clothes when the man pushed him away suddenly looking angry.

"Uhhhh," Harry had said, confused by the change.

"ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! COME WITH ME, POTTER!" Snape had shouted, grabbing Harry by his ear and pulling him out, dragging him all the way upstairs and to the headmaster's office. Dumbledore and McGonagall were there and so were Malfoy and Ron and Hermione. "Headmaster, I demand you expel this boy!"

Dumbledore just blinked at Snape. "Why on Earth would I do such a thing?"

"HE KISSED ME!"

Everyone gasped in dramatic shock at the same time.

"Mr. Potter!" McGonagall exclaimed. "How could you? Who's going to play Seeker now?"

"Oh, Harry," Hermione sighed, sounding disappointed. "You said you would be better than this!"

"This is very serious indeed, Harry," Dumbledore said gravely.

"How could you kiss this greasy git, Harry? You had Cho Chang all over you! I'd rather you went with my sister than that!"

"Haha…Knew Potter had to be gay!" Malfoy exclaimed, laughing evilly.

"It…It was just a kiss!" Harry stammered, feeling very alarmed.

"Just a kiss?" they all exclaimed in union and Harry cringed.

"Erm…Yeah…?" Harry said slowly.

"You have no idea what a kiss means in the Wizarding world, do you, Harry?" Hermione sighed.

"No! Does it mean something? Wait a minute, Cho kiss-"

"Yes, yes, but that was that and this is this!" Hermione exclaimed, as though he were being intentionally dumb and it was all very obvious.

"I'm afraid I'll have to expel you, Harry," Dumbledore said, frowning.

"WHAT? IT WAS JUST A KISS!"

"An awful kiss, might I add," Snape said distastefully.

"It was not!" Harry exclaimed defensively, glaring at Snape now.

"I dunno, mate, you did say Cho was crying after you kissed her…" Ron explained.

"Well Professor Snape isn't crying," Hermione pointed out.

"I do not cry, Miss Granger," Snape snapped.

"Maybe he liked it," Hermione carried on, ignoring Snape.

Everyone else sighed again, excluding Hermione who just looked confused.

"I'm afraid I'll have to expel you now, too, Miss Granger," Dumbledore said sadly.

"WHAT?" she and Harry exclaimed.

"Why?" Hermione demanded tearfully.

"For implying that Professor Snape enjoyed kissing a student," Dumbledore explained. "Haven't you read the school rules?"

"I thought I had!" Hermione wailed.

The dream had gone from arousing to terrifying to just plain weird. Harry awoke with a start, his heart hammering in his chest as he struggled to pull his mind into the present. For a moment he found himself still freaking out, half believing it had all actually happened for a moment before realizing it was just a dream. Harry scratched the side of his head and reached over to the bedside table for his glasses. He almost wanted to laugh at the ridiculousness of the dream, but his stomach twisted up instead…Just because the dream had been a bit crazy didn't mean something wouldn't happen. Harry had been a bit daring last night in kissing Snape. It wasn't much…A closed-mouth kiss that lasted maybe two seconds…And Snape had already taken over a hundred points for it. But surely McGonagall would want to know what happened to those points…Maybe Snape would even want to go around telling everyone what he had done. Harry felt sick to his stomach, half expecting whispers and glares from everyone person he met today and expecting McGonagall or Dumbledore to come get him to talk to him about what happened to deliver some sort of punishment.

The day went by horribly slow. There weren't many people around during the break, only a handful of students and the teachers. Harry played a few games of chess with a third year Gryffindor named Chelsey Smiley, nearly as good at chess as Ron and it went without saying she won all three rounds. He ate meals in the Great Hall, though he refrained from looking at the Head Table and ate quickly to avoid the chances any professor might have at cornering him about what happened. Luckily around dinnertime he accepted that nothing was going to happen…He had passed McGonagall in the corridors twice when he went out to the Quidditch pitch to fly around and when he came back in…He even ran into Umbridge who smiled sweetly made a few remarks about how she hoped Snape was teaching him a lesson or two in detention…That was the extent of things, though, and Harry was grateful for it. Harry really did not want to imagine anyone's reaction to learning he had kissed Snape.

He honestly had no idea what he had been thinking. He had to have known Snape would refuse him…And he definitely should have known better than to kiss the man himself. It was pure madness! Sure, it was something he had dreamed about plenty of times, but to actually attempt to do something with his potions master? Maybe Snape was right…Maybe Harry was stupid.

Harry could not remember dreading his lessons more. What was Snape going to do? Would he even let him in at all? Maybe he would punish him…He wouldn't put it past the man to give him a task too difficult just so he could have his fun tormenting Harry for a while. Maybe Snape would tease him about it…or worse yet, maybe Snape was waiting until Harry was present before going to someone about what had taken place. Even if none of that happened, Harry was sure it was going to be a very awkward experience…

He ate his dinner slowly, though even that task seemed to fly by too quickly for his liking and he was forced to head down to the dungeons. Snape was going to kill him or something…Harry's stomach twisted into many uncomfortable knots as he moved through the dungeons and into Snape's office. The man wasn't there and Harry didn't hesitate to move around his desk to mutter the password that caused the door to appear into the wall and Harry let himself in. He lit the place up and looked around the empty living room. "Professor?" Harry called out uneasily, half expecting Snape to walk out of the shadows or pop out in front of him. He waited in the doorway for a moment, feeling more and more nervous the longer he waited.

Hearing the door behind him open, Harry spun around and was surprised to see, not Snape, but Malfoy. "What are you doing, Potter?" Malfoy demanded.

Harry froze and hastily shut the door. Shit! No one was supposed to know he had access to Snape's private rooms. "I'm…looking for Professor Snape," he said quickly.

Malfoy raised an eyebrow. "How do you know how to get into his private rooms?"

"How do you you know they are his private rooms?"

Malfoy rolled his eyes. "No one really has access to it, but he gave us Slytherins an idea of where it was in case we ever need him. Doesn't explain how you know about it."

"Maybe you don't need to know," Harry replied, folding his arms over his chest and leaning back against the wall, where the door had now disappeared.

"Maybe I should tell Professor Snape about this little…incident," Malfoy said, smirking.

"Maybe you should," Harry challenged, feeling irritated. Let him! Harry wasn't too worried…Snape might be upset that Harry had let someone know he had access to the rooms, but Harry didn't think it would be too much trouble.

"I will when he gets here," Malfoy said, easily taking a seat in a chair in front of Snape's desk.

"What are you doing here, anyway?" Harry asked, not liking the idea of sticking around to wait with Malfoy, but Harry lessons would start any minute now and Harry was not about to give Snape another reason to be mad at him.

"Maybe you don't need to know," Malfoy said in a mocking tone, using Harry's words from just moments ago.

Harry rolled his eyes and sighed, walking around the desk to sit down beside Malfoy. "He should be here soon…My lessons start soon," Harry muttered.

"You cannot honestly be that bad at Potions to need to stay over Christmas holidays," Malfoy laughed.

Harry sighed, his jaw tightening and his fingers folding into fists, but he said and did nothing. He figured the best he could do for Malfoy was to not push him much, even if he did sometimes feel that Malfoy deserved some of it. He kept in mind, though, what he knew about the boy. Malfoy wasn't having as blessed a life as everyone thought and Harry also remembered promising Snape he'd try to continue pressing the boy about a friendship. Harry shifted awkwardly in his seat. Just bringing it up seemed so stupid, but he had done it before.

"Erm…You're back early," Harry stated after a moment, feeling stupid as the words left his mouth. It was true, though…Malfoy had been one to go home. Why wouldn't he? He had parents who loved and spoiled him rotten. And rape him, his thoughts added and he tried not to cringe. If he had gone home, though, why had he come back early? Unless things were just getting worse. He frowned as he considered it. How it could get worse, Harry didn't even want to imagine.

"I was bored there. Figured I'd bless the castle with my presence once more, for those who were unfortunate enough to have bad Christmases," Malfoy explained. He was doing a good job of trying to act normal, but Harry could still notice something very off about Malfoy's whole demeanor.

"Lucky for us," Harry muttered, scratching the side of his head as he tried to think of what to do next.

"You're being very odd, Potter," Malfoy said after a few moments.

"Yeah, so are you," Harry shot back. Harry was probably being more obviously odd than Malfoy, but he couldn't help it. He was starting to really regret this whole thing…He should have just insulted Malfoy at the Quidditch match and let it all go. He could live with shame and guilt more than this….Right?

"Really odd," Malfoy added, smirking and shaking his head.

This was a REALLY bad idea, Harry thought to himself. He was full of those lately, it seemed.

"So…You kissed my father thinking it was Professor Snape?"

Harry blinked in surprise and turned to look at the blond. He was smirking, but there was a strange look in his silvery gray eyes that didn't quite match it. Harry felt panicked for a moment before he remembered that Malfoy had walked in on one of his conversations with Snape, thus figuring out he had a crush on the man…Snape had been right that day, Harry realized. Malfoy hadn't said anything to anyone about it. Then when Harry ran into Malfoy the other day he had confessed that little bit of information…Malfoy seemed to only just now be thinking of it. Harry slowly nodded. "Yeah…Well, I think he kissed me, really, but I kissed him back."

Malfoy snorted. "Really, really odd," Malfoy muttered, drumming his fingers on the arm of the chair. Harry glared at him and sighed as he turned his narrowed eyes to the wall. "So…You really do have a thing for Snape then?"

"'Fraid so."

"I wonder why Father bothered Polyjuicing himself like that," Malfoy muttered, a disturbed look troubling his pale, narrow face.

"I don't think he was after you or anything…Otherwise I'm not sure why he decided to go after me…It was probably on Voldemort's orders," Harry explained quietly. Malfoy flinched at the name like most people did, but remained silent for a moment.

"I wasn't worried about it," Malfoy said, sitting up straight and clearing his throat. His tone held a nastiness in it Harry didn't miss. "I'm more worried about you and your sanity, actually."

"Sweet of you to be concerned," Harry said, rolling his eyes. He had no idea what he had been thinking, assuming he could help Malfoy. He had no idea what Snape was thinking, suggesting he continue to try.

"Don't flatter yourself," Malfoy snorted.

Most of the time, Harry just wanted to punch Malfoy…But even now, even with the blond slightly aggravating Harry, he couldn't help but just pity him. This was affecting the other boy…Harry could tell. No matter how normal Malfoy tried to act, Harry could sense that something was off about him.

Luckily both boys were spared from any further strained silences by the opening of the door behind them. "Malfoy. Potter," Snape said as he entered, nodding his head. "Potter, wait here while I speak with Malfoy."

Harry just nodded and watched Snape conjure the door to his rooms, leading the other boy inside. He let his head fall back against the back of the chair and sighed heavily.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

The first attempt wasn't a complete failure. Severus had cast a handy charm in the room to allow him to overhear the conversation. Potter was not cut out for this business, it seemed, but it also seemed that Draco was warming up a bit. Neither boy had looked prepared to hex the other one, so Severus thought that was a step in the right direction. Now all he needed was a quick word with Draco…The boy didn't need to think he had arranged this for no reason, and honestly Severus was concerned.

"How are you, Draco? Really?" Severus asked his godson.

"I'm fine," Draco replied stiffly.

"Good," Severus said with a nod, sitting down on his chair. "My offer is still open, you know. If you wish to stay with me this summer."

"Don't care much for that Muggle hellhole, thanks."

Severus's eyes narrowed. "I was merely offering my aid, Draco, there is no need to be rude."

"I know what you're up to, Severus, come off it!" Draco snapped. "I'm fine! I only came back early because…because Mother was being ridiculous and she kept talking about throwing another stupid party of hers and I wanted to come back to try to hook up with Daphne Greengrass! I thought it a better way to spend my days than helping Mother with her party planning. That's it!"

"Don't take me for a fool, Draco," Severus snarled. "And the way you're going, you won't be able to fool anyone else for long. Even Potter sees right through you're little act!"

Draco flinched, but immediately turned his eyes into a glare. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"I know plenty, Draco. If you don't want to accept my help or Potter's, Draco, that's fine…But it's always there if you need it."

Silvery gray eyes still glowered at him, but it didn't have quite the harshness to it it had held moments ago. His lips parted, but seemed unable to speak. "I'm going to go. The girls probably miss me," he muttered, turning around and swiftly walking out.

Severus sighed heavily and shook his head. He knew better than to assume this was going to be easy, but that didn't mean it wasn't frustrating that it wasn't working already. Severus wished dearly he could pay Lucius a visit and give him a piece of his mind…That was probably the best solution, he couldn't help but think. Or maybe castrate the bastard.

"Potter! Get in here!"

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

As predicted, lessons were harsh. They started off with Defense lessons that ended with Harry falling on his arse every few seconds and Snape snapping at him to get back up. Harry was thoroughly angry with the man midway through it, but Snape was too skilled and in better condition than Harry, easily dodging everything Harry managed to throw at him until he was too physically exhausted to continue. Then Snape pressed on with the Occlumency, something Harry had no hopes of doing any good in with his brain so tired, but that didn't stop Snape from being a jerk about the whole thing.

"There's a difference between me not trying and you being an arse," Harry muttered, falling onto the couch the moment Snape put it back into place.

"This isn't about me, Potter. This is about you! It doesn't matter how nasty I am to you! Do you think the Dark Lord is going to care if you're tired or in pain? You have to fight through it and get the job done, Potter!"

"Lucky for us, I seem to do rather well when I'm actually in danger," Harry muttered.

"Is that so? Would you like to test out that theory?"

"Not really, thanks."

"Fifty points from Gryffindor, for every bit of rudeness you've succumb to since entering my room."

Harry sighed, but said nothing. Two hundred points in two days…McGonagall was really not going to be happy about this.

"S'worth it," Harry muttered, not sure if he was talking to himself or to Snape. It was worth being a bit rude with the way Snape had been acting…But more importantly, kissing the man last night had been worth it. At least he knew he had done it, and while it hadn't been much, to Harry it had been perfect.

"And another fifty, I think, for shoving your delusional fantasies into my head," Snape added after a moment, almost as if he were goading Harry. Harry clenched his jaw and glared at the dark gray of the couch. Most of his memories tonight had been of his dreams and of that night Lucius Malfoy had Polyjuiced himself as Snape and more importantly and the most frequent memory being from last night…The very kiss that caused so much trouble.

"I did not shove anything into your head, you were the one digging around in mine, you nosy prick."

"Another fifty, then."

"Maybe you like seeing my sick fantasies, so you have something to wank off to."

"One hundred points, Mr. Potter," Snape snarled and Harry saw sudden movement as Snape crossed the room suddenly. Harry watched the man warily, half expecting him to walk straight out to go get Dumbledore or McGonagall, but instead he spun around and began pacing the floor. "I think I shall contact Dolores and have you serve detention with her for a week…Maybe I'll be sure to tell her to do so before dinner…You can serve detention with her and still have time for your lessons. How about that? Maybe we can add a few new words to your flesh, Potter. I must not act like a randy teenager in front of older men or even I must not disrespect those more skilled and dangerous than me"

"You flatter yourself," Harry muttered, unable to stop himself. Snape had been a right prick all evening and Harry was not about to put up with it. Even if he had to put up with Umbridge a bit. Snape sneered, anger flashing in his black eyes as he turned and headed towards the door, his hand on the knob when he stopped and slowly turned to Harry.

"You need to do a better job with Draco Malfoy," Snape said.

Harry blinked in surprise. What did Draco Malfoy have to do with this? Harry didn't even know what he was talking about at first until his mind settled down enough to realize. "You want me to do you favors when you're threatening to send me off to that cow?"

"What happened to that grand heroism you are raved to have?" Snape demanded.

"Doesn't look like he needs saving to me."

"Yes, it does."

Harry just stared at him for a moment before settling down. "It's not any good…I don't know how to make Malfoy warm up to me…And I'm not so keen on him, either, you know. He's an arse."

"So am I, and you like me plenty. Plenty more than you should, actually."

Harry glared at him. "Believe me, I don't even know what I'm thinking when it comes to you," he muttered. There was no use to denying it…With how often Snape was in his head, he knew better. "I don't think it'll work."

"Keep trying," Snape insisted.

"Don't send me to Umbridge and stop being such a jerk."

"I won't send you to Umbridge…Can't do much about my personality."

Harry managed to crack a smile, somewhat amused, though it didn't make him feel much better. "Fine. I'd rather you than her, anyway. And you're going to have to give me some advice…S'not like I even know where to begin with him."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**Author's Note: **Another chapter! As I stated in an author's note in a previous chapter somewhere, I have been planning out this entire story in a notebook…I have 73 chapters plotted out so far! I'm also starting on plans for a sequel, though that will obviously be a good ways away. If you're reading this story, you should let me know! Reviews are great encouragement! I really hope everyone's liking the story so far! Thank you sooooo much everyone who has replied so far! It makes me very happy and I love you lots! Chapter title lyrics from "The Hand That Feeds" by Nine Inch Nails.


	18. When I Tell You I Love You

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_When I Tell You I Love You_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

First Harry Potter developed a crush on his least favorite teacher, then he decided to befriend his least favorite classmate…The world was surely upside down, wasn't it? Harry couldn't help but think this to himself as he left the Great Hall from lunch and headed down to the Quidditch pitch, broom in hand. McGonagall nodded approvingly from the Head Table and Harry managed a small smile…She hadn't been too happy with him for losing so many points over the holidays, but the appearance of working harder to win them the Quidditch cup warmed her up a bit. Angelina would be plenty happy to hear he had been practicing…So long as no one walked out to find him attempting to socialize with Draco Malfoy. It was for both of their benefits…Harry doubted Malfoy wanted anyone to know they were being friendly.

As he had been told, Malfoy was already flying around on his own broom. He actually wasn't half bad, Harry thought to himself. Not amazing, but certainly not bad…Harry had seen worse. Far worse. Swallowing hard, Harry stood in place and shifted a bit awkwardly on his feet while he waited. Finally, when he thought Malfoy had seen him he turned and began to walk off.

"Not stalking me, are you, Potter?" Malfoy called out, his voice almost lost on the wind.

"Not bloody likely!" Harry called back.

"You were checking me out, weren't you?" Malfoy laughed.

"Oh yes, Malfoy…It's the way you grip that broom! I can't help myself!" he shouted back teasingly, feeling his face heat up in embarrassment. Hopefully from the sky Malfoy wouldn't notice that particular detail.

Silence followed for a moment. "Here I thought you only had eyes for Snape."

"Yes, well, he isn't around to show me how well he can grip a broom…Don't even know if he likes flying, so I figured I'd settle for you."

Malfoy was closer now…Close enough for Harry to hear him laugh. A genuine laugh. Harry turned around, smirking as Malfoy flew lower. "Better not let Snape hear you."

Harry shrugged. "He's seen worse. In my head."

Malfoy's eyes bugged for a moment before he laughed again. "That is no way to seduce a man, Potter."

"Well, I thought about bringing my broom to show him what I can do, but I have a feeling he'd wonder why I was bringing a broom into our lessons."

Malfoy snorted and smirked and shook his head. "Stupid Gryffindors."

Harry shrugged, though he was quite pleased with how well this was going so far. "It's all a part of our charm. We can't help ourselves."

Malfoy rolled his eyes. "Well, I'd ask you why you weren't flying, since I'm assuming that's why you're here, but I wouldn't want you to think I was trying to proposition you."

"Darn," Harry said with obviously false disappointment, though he mounted his broom. "Maybe you can watch me then and pass the message of my talents along, then?"

"Or I can pass along how terribly untalented you are, too," Malfoy suggested and Harry just grinned and flew up into the air. This was going easy enough…Harry wondered if Snape had had any more talks with Malfoy, considering he was so concerned about him…If he would even try to encourage Malfoy the way he had been encouraging Harry to make things work. It was the last day of Christmas holidays and it had been a few days since their last encounter…Harry figured Snape must have said something to make Malfoy run off…Or maybe Harry was just having bad luck with trying to corner the boy. Today, though, was going much better than expected.

Malfoy seemed to notice the difference, too. The boy muttered to himself, but not loud enough for Harry to hear over the wind. He felt his heart drop a bit as Malfoy hesitated on his broom, furrowing his thin blond eyebrows. "Don't tell me you're scared, Malfoy! I know your flying pales in comparison to mine, but you can at least try to look like you're good at it!" Harry called out teasingly, hoping to push the other boy into staying without pissing him off.

"That's not going to work, you know!"

Harry sighed. "What's not going to work, Malfoy?"

"Snape put you up to this!"

"Somehow I doubt Snape wants me to get more practice in. I think he and McGonagall fight over the Quidditch Cup every year!"

"Stop playing dumb, Potter."

"According to you Slytherins, it's not much of an act!" Harry called back, pleased that Malfoy hadn't flown off yet.

Harry braced himself as Malfoy turned and zoomed towards him, though he stopped a few feet away. Malfoy looked irritated and upset. "Let's get one thing straight, Potter. I'm a Malfoy. I am better than everyone at everything…I don't need your help or your pity…I have too much! I am too…I'm too…great! At everything! And…And if anybody should be pitying anybody, I should be pitying you!"

"This isn't about pity, Malfoy," Harry shot back, feeling a bit uncomfortable. Malfoy knowing what he and Snape were up to only made doing it that much harder. "I don't like you, remember? And you don't like me. You're too much of a cocky prick for anyone to feel much sympathy," Harry lied. "I was just bored and I figured you wouldn't be completely horrid company."

Malfoy eyed him suspiciously, though he didn't move.

Harry just shrugged. He wasn't too sure how well this would work, but Snape thought it would. Harry couldn't make his attempts at friendship too obvious…They'd have to start slow, like all good friendships did. They wouldn't have to get into anything too serious where Harry was playing therapist or something to Malfoy's home issues. Instead he should try approaching Malfoy from another angle…Less serious in nature and more about showing Malfoy that Harry wasn't such a bad person to be around. Snape had made plenty of insulting comments regarding that. As dimwitted and foolishly heroic you are, I am quite sure we can find something that might make you appeal to Draco or thing that like…Often enough comparing how refined and classy Draco Malfoy was to how rowdy and reckless a Gryffindor Harry was. Still, it had worked for a bit…They seemed to get along okay as long as neither of them thought about it.

"You can go on if you want…I wasn't that interesting in your company anyway," Harry said easily, his tone neither upset or insulting, acting as though it honestly didn't matter one way or the other. While Harry tried to keep himself under control, he could feel his stomach twisting nervously. Snape already said it was going to take a while to get Malfoy to warm up to him, but Harry still felt like the man would be upset if Harry didn't make some progress with the boy and Harry was quite eager to earn some sort of approval from him.

"Well…I suppose it would be rude of me to deny anyone my presence," Malfoy said. "Though if anyone else comes around here, I'm going to shove you off of your broom…Have to keep up appearances, you know."

"Yeah, I know," Harry replied, grinning. At least Malfoy was giving him a chance…All he had to do now was keep up the good work. It would be useless to drag Malfoy into spending time with him and then failing the whole mission once he got started. He wasn't sure he and Malfoy had much in common, but they had a decent time exchanging words, teasing one another in a non-violent manner…Harry wasn't even worried about Malfoy's threat. Though that had more to do with Harry's confidence on the broom and his abilities to dodge any attack from Malfoy than faith that Malfoy wouldn't do just as he promised.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Harry and Malfoy spent a great deal of time on the Quidditch pitch. They flew around and showed off all of their good flying tricks to one another. Towards the end, near dinner time, Daphne and Astoria Greengrass came outside and Malfoy made a quick move to try to attack Harry, who dodged him easily, while the girls oohed and ahhed over the whole display. After a few minutes the girls begged Malfoy to come down and he conceded after a few more minutes, walking back to the castle with a sister on each arm. Harry watched them go, wondering to himself what Pansy Parkinson would do if she saw this. He snickered and shook his head and finally flew to the ground when he figured the Slytherins were far enough away. He quickly dropped off his broom and eagerly headed down to the Great Hall, absolutely starving from spending so much of the afternoon flying. It had been great, but it had also given him quite the appetite.

When he was done, he headed down to the dungeons in a good mood. He had actually enjoyed himself today and he was eager to tell Snape of his progress with Malfoy. He had only walked a few yards down the corridor before Malfoy caught up to him. "If anyone sees us walking together, I'll have to hex you, you know," was all Malfoy said as he caught up with Harry and Harry just grinned. "I'll have to hex you back…But you know…It's all for the show."

"Fair enough," Malfoy replied with a smirk. "I'll have you on your arse before you could think of a good enough spell."

They bickered as they walked, though it wasn't nearly as mean-spirited as their usual insults. It was all for fun and Harry found it easy not to take anything too personally. Things still felt a bit awkward between them…That was to be expected when you suddenly found yourself getting along with your worst enemy.

"Try not to blow anything up, Potter!" Malfoy said as Harry walked into Snape's office. Harry just shook his head and grinned, immediately walking around Snape's desk to mutter the word that caused the door to appear in the wall. He let himself in easily, eager to share his good news with Snape and hoping that the man would offer some sort of positive reaction to it. It wouldn't kill the man to actually say thank you or offer some sort of compliment, would it? It was foolish to hope for, but a boy could still dream.

Harry froze as he entered, his grin and good mood quickly fading as he saw the dark figure of his potions master stumbling across the room, half falling beside his couch, pale hands reaching out to grip the back and the arm as he sank to his knees. "Professor Snape?" Harry asked, heart thumping wildly. The man didn't respond, only groaning pain and Harry's eyes widened further as he noticed blood dripping down his face and his hands. "MALFOY!" Harry shouted, turning back into the office. Harry wracked his brains, trying to remember if he had seen Snape during dinner…He must have just come from a meeting with Voldemort. Harry had felt his scar prickling a bit earlier, but it hadn't bothered him much…

"What do you want, Potter?" Malfoy demanded as he slowly strode into the office.

"Help…He just…He's…I don't know what to do," Harry said in a panic, rushing back into the room to reach Snape's side. Malfoy gasped and followed him in.

"Severus! Are you okay?" Malfoy demanded, grabbing Snape's other arm as Harry grabbed his left, both boys hoisting Snape onto the couch. "Ummm…Potions…Umm…Stay here, Potter," Malfoy commanded, rushing to one of the shelves near the fireplace, moving glass vials around, muttering under his breath. Harry glanced at him for a moment before turning his eyes back to Snape, his arms shaking a bit as he gingerly reached out to brush the man's sticky black hair out of his face, his stomach lurching at the sight of the thick blood sliding down his pale skin, his black eyes fluttering open every few seconds. His chest was heaving and he could hear the man's deep breathing and a bit of wheezing that didn't sound good.

"We should get him to the infirmary! Or…oh we should…we should get Dumbledore," Harry said. Dumbledore would know better what to do in this situation.

"No time, Potter…Go get some rags or something," Malfoy said, nodding in the direction of the bathroom. Harry nodded and jumped up, running to the bathroom and lighting the place. He grabbed two rags and ran one under the faucet, wetting it and ringing it out before carrying both out into the living room while Malfoy tipped a potion into the man's mouth.

"Wipe some of the blood off so we can see the wounds better," Malfoy said, his voice slightly shaky and Harry noticed a slight tremble in his hands as he looked at the other vials in his lap. "I…I dunno if…if Scourgify would…would bother them or anything so…" Malfoy explained, nodding to the rags he had Harry grab.

"S'fine," Harry said and began gently wiping at the man's face.

Barely a second later the sound of robes rustling caught their attention and both boys jumped. Dumbledore was walking towards them from the fireplace, a look of sadness and fear in his blue eyes. "I can take it from here, Harry, Draco…You should return to your rooms," Dumbledore said, coming to stand by the couch, reaching out his hands. Harry gave him the rags and Malfoy gave him the potions and they both stood up.

"Sir," Harry began, unable to tear his eyes away from Snape's face. He was still covered in blood, his face scrunched up and his body twitching ever so slightly, though it was enough to give his heart quite the worry. "Sir, is he going to be okay?"

"Professor Snape will be fine, Harry. But I must insist that you leave now," Dumbledore explained and Malfoy grabbed his arm and half pulled him out of the room. Harry didn't want to leave…He wanted to stay and make sure Snape was okay…He wanted to help…

"Dumbledore's with him…He'll be fine…Right?" Malfoy asked, his eyes glued to the door as it slowly faded back into the wall.

"Right," Harry said, though he didn't sound totally convinced. Snape looked awful…Harry felt sick to his stomach and Malfoy looked paler than ever before.

"I…I'll let you know…When I know something…Okay, Potter?" Malfoy said, looking very shaken up. Harry was tempted to reach out and offer some sort of comfort, but he restrained himself. Malfoy would, of course, know something before him and he had every right to be upset…Snape was his Head of House, favorite teacher, and his godfather. Harry just…He didn't even know what to fill in there. He shook his head and cleared his throat.

"Okay…Thanks," Harry muttered, eying the door one last time before reluctantly pulling himself away and heading to Gryffindor Tower. Every step away was harder to take and it took every last bit of his energy not to run back into those rooms to watch Dumbledore take care of Snape. He had to trust Dumbledore…Dumbledore was the wisest, most powerful wizard of all time. He would be able to take care of him. Harry had to trust in that.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"Foolish…boys…"

Dumbledore chuckled, but Severus didn't find it amusing at all. Those stupid boys! He was going to have to start having Potter's lessons in his office again and change the password to his chambers. That boy's presence was hard enough to deal with without him letting himself into Severus's private rooms whenever he wanted! Severus had been a bit bothered when Potter had recalled his password, but it hadn't posed much of a problem…Well, until Christmas night and now, of course. The last thing Severus needed was Potter and Draco fretting all over him. Pitying him. Thinking he was weak…Severus rolled his eyes at himself and swallowed hard. He had survived. That wasn't weak.

"They were only trying to help, Severus," Albus explained.

"Potter is nearly as meddlesome as you are," Severus retorted irritably.

Albus laughed again, still waving his wand over Severus's body, muttering the words that would help close the wounds. "He merely cares about you, just as I do. Is that so wrong?"

"It's bothersome."

"Of course it is," Albus said kindly, uncapping one of the vials Draco Malfoy had given him. Essence of Dittany. He began gently pouring it over the wounds.

"I need to change my password…And make sure Potter doesn't overhear anyone using it this time," Severus muttered. He was tempted to take points from Gryffindor, but he doubted Albus would let him.

"That might be wise," Albus agreed. "Now instead of muttering about two boys who care about you, why don't you tell me what happened tonight?"

Severus smirked and sighed, shifting his body a bit, wishing he could sit up and finding himself embarrassed when he didn't have the energy to do so. "The Dark Lord…suspected…a few of us of…being spies. I think he thought if he tortured us enough he would be able to get into our minds better," Severus explained. "I do not believe he got anything from me, though. Even by that means, he wasn't able to get much from Mortimer Grimm, either…Still suspected him, though…Thought he was purposefully giving false information and trying to…trying to tell everyone…the truth. Decided he needed to die…Torture and then death. He put up a good fight, though…He's always been a talented duelist. Bastard used my own spell against me…The Dark Lord allowed me the honor of killing him after that…in my state, though…it just took…a lot more out of me."

Albus frowned. He was silent for a moment as he tended to Severus's wounds, trying to prevent scarring. "Blood replenishing potion, Severus," Albus said, holding out the vial. Severus knew Albus might have rather force-fed it to him, but he knew Severus would never allow that unless he absolutely could not give it to himself. With a shaky arm he raised the vial and swallowed it's contents while Albus continued. "You're certain he doesn't suspect you?"

"Not any longer, he doesn't," Severus promised him. If he had, Severus would surely be dead. He had wanted Mortimer Grimm killed without much of a reason. Severus knew the biggest reason he had survived as long as he had among the Death Eaters was usefulness. The Dark Lord liked to praise his talents and at one time it made Severus proud. It was one of the many reasons he had joined the Death Eaters…For the respect he so deserved, despite his lack of wealth and despite his "soiled" blood. Now, though, every compliment from the Dark Lord left him feeling empty or nauseated. The Dark Lord thought him useful…And unless the Dark Lord had every proof he was a traitor, Severus would remain. The Dark Lord couldn't suspect him any longer, Severus was sure. Even under the pressure of the Cruciatus Curse, he remained as strong a ever, holding up the shields in his mind with all of his energy.

"Very good," Albus said quietly, standing up. "You should get some rest, Severus…Do not teach tomorrow unless you are certain you are prepared to. We will talk more about this tomorrow…Before dinner, perhaps?"

"That will be fine, Albus."

Severus watched Albus go, feeling much more inclined to get up and work on adding more security charms to his room and changing his blasted password. The mere thought of standing, however, sucked from him the remainder of his energy and instead he closed his eyes and fell into nightmares of blood and screams and mutilated bodies.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Under the cover of his Invisibility Cloak, Harry crept quietly into the dark office. He closed the door quietly and shifted nervously beneath the cloak before flicking his wand and lighting the office. Everything within him wanted to run to the opposite side of the room, but he forced himself to move slowly and quietly, whispering the words that made the door appear in the wall and he let himself in.

For a moment he just stood in the doorway, breath caught in his throat as he watched the dark figure on the couch. The fireplace was lit, but the light was dying slowly and Harry sent a quiet spell to revive it. Brighter light spilled into the room and the figure was bathed in a warm, orange glow. Harry stepped forward hesitantly and closed the door behind him. Snape seemed okay…The blood was all gone and there were only light marks on his face left from his wounds. He was snoring quietly and Harry smiled to himself as he slipped off his Cloak and set it on the coffee table, causing half of the thing to disappear, seeming quite impressive how that much table stood on two legs. Harry didn't pay it much mind as he sank to his knees beside the touch, reaching out to brush his fingers along Snape's face. He looked troubled in his sleep…but it was just sleep. The snoring and the light rise and fall of his chest assured Harry that he was alive and Harry couldn't be happier or more grateful.

"What are you doing here, Potter?" Snape grumbled quietly and Harry froze with his fingertips still placed on the man's cheek as dark eyes slowly opened, squinting at him.

"Making sure you're okay," Harry whispered, voice shaking.

"Idiot Gryffindor," the man grunted. "As you can see, I am perfectly fine."

"Good," Harry whispered, just staring down at the man for several moments. Snape just huffed and glared at him a bit, but he didn't say or do anything else. His heart beat harder in his chest as a new thought occurred to him…Did he dare? Finding that he couldn't help himself, Harry felt his body moving in closer, gently pressing his lips against Snape's. His lips were thin and chapped, but they were warm and feeling them against his own sent a shiver trailing down Harry's spine.

"Are you inept at everything that you do, Potter?" Snape muttered, though Harry just smiled…He had a feeling Snape was just teasing him.

"I love you."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Harry gasped sharply, his eyes flying open. I love you? Harry couldn't believe he had actually done that! It had only been a dream…Harry closed his eyes tightly, feeling more stupid than ever. It was just a dream…just a dream, he told himself over and over. Harry had had many nightmares, but at the moment, Harry wasn't sure any of those had been nearly so scary as that dream had been.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**Author's Note: **Yay another chapter done! Thanks so much for everyone who reviewed! I loves them! Keep 'em coming, you know I love hearing from you! Chapter title lyrics from "Driven Under" by Seether.


	19. No One and Nothing Can Take This Away

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_No One or Nothing Can Take This Away_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

For the rest of the night and all day, Harry tried practicing Occlumency on his own. He wasn't sure how well he was doing…There was no one around trying to get into his head. Not that he was aware of, but Harry was sure he'd notice. He'd had his brain invaded by Snape enough times to know what it felt like. Harry was hopeful that maybe he could accomplish something tonight in his lessons. There was nothing Harry was more worried about than Snape seeing last night's dream. I love you. Harry heard himself say those words over and over again and wanted to shove his knife in his ear at one point, hoping to make it go away.

Harry had hoped his friends being back might help him somewhat, but their new lovey-dovey behavior had Harry's mind on Snape's and all of his strange dreams more and more. Harry was happy for Ron and Hermione and he was glad they were back, but it was hard to focus on that much. It was one thing for Snape to see his sexual fantasies about him, but there was something so much more intimate and personal about the dream Harry had had last night. Snape absolutely could not be allowed to see it…Harry would surely die of embarrassment and Harry did not need to give the man any more ammo to use against him when the two were angry at each other and hurling the worst insults they could find at one another.

Love…Did Harry love him? That seemed so silly…He was only fifteen years old. Snape was thirty five years old! He was his teacher and he was a spy and he had hated his father…Snape was an arse! It was bad enough Harry was fantasizing about him without adding real feelings into the mix. Especially something like love. That couldn't be it…Someone must have slipped something into his dinner or something. It was just a dream, he reminded himself for the thousandth time. Just a dream.

"Headed towards yet another detention, Mr. Potter?"

Harry tensed up at the sound of that familiar girlish voice as he headed down to the dungeons that night. The footsteps were quiet, sounding closer together until the short, toad like woman came to his side. "Yeah, I've got it all year," Harry reminded her.

Umbridge smiled. "Interesting…I will have to talk with the headmaster about this. The whole situation seems…most inappropriate."

Harry swallowed hard. "Why is that?"

"A grown man alone with a young boy every night for the entire year?" Umbridge said. "Perhaps I should take the matter to the Minister of Magic…The sort of thing Dumbledore allows in this school…"

"You just want there to be something wrong with my detentions so you can have me in detention," Harry said, feeling a bit more brave with Umbridge now that Snape had secured him for the rest of the year. As long as he put a good effort in with Malfoy, Snape wasn't going to hand him over to the cow.

"On the contrary, Mr. Potter. I only want what's best for this school and it's students," Umbridge argued with a sweet smile. Harry wanted to punch her. "Perhaps I should oversee these detentions."

No, that really wasn't good. Umbridge did not need to know about Harry's private lessons. Harry said nothing, half tempted to ask if that would be the next educational decree, but figured he didn't need to give her the idea. She had too many plans for those, as it was.

"That won't be necessary, Dolores…I'm afraid I need your assistance with something."

Harry had to stop himself from grinning as Dumbledore approached them. Umbridge frowned. "But Headmaster-"

"Nonsense…Harry must serve his detention and it would not be fair to undermine the authority of other professors at this school," Dumbledore said. "If you would be so kind, Dolores?"

"I-wh-…Of course," Umbridge finally said, forcing herself to smile as she allowed herself to be led away by Dumbledore.

The man had amazing timing, Harry thought to himself. Would it be so wrong to hope Dumbledore could do a few spells or if Snape could make a potion to get all of those stupid educational decree ideas out of her head or even get her out of Hogwarts altogether. In his concern over what Umbridge could be cooking up, he nearly forgot his worry about this new lesson until he walked into Snape's office.

The man was sitting behind his desk, not bothering to look up as the door opened. He had a quill in hand, quickly moving over parchment and quickly flipping them aside as he went on to grade the rest of the tests. "You made a P on your last Potions test," Snape said, still not looking and still grading. Harry closed the door and stepped in, feeling a bit confused. They had lessons, didn't they? "You're also late."

"Can't be that late," Harry argued, quickly checking his watch. Maybe by a few seconds, but of course the man would be so precise.

"Not that late is still late," Snape said, finally reaching the last in the pile and seeming reluctant as he set them aside and looked up at him. "We shall practice in here today."

"Oh…Okay," Harry said, unable to help but feel a bit disappointed. They hadn't done much practicing in his office in a while. Snape always found it more convenient to practice in his chambers where there was more room and more privacy. His first thought was that Umbridge had already come and already said something before Harry had run into her. Or maybe it had to do with last night…Harry frowned, remembering how awful Snape had looked. How tired, how hurt, covered in blood…"You look better…sir."

Snape glared at him, irritation flashing through his eyes as he stood up. "We will focus more on Occlumency today, Potter…You have shown a talent for Defense Against the Dark Arts, and the headmaster sees fit that we put most of our focus on Occlumency."

Of course. The most important lesson was the one he was most terrified of.

"Ummm…Okay," Harry said.

"Sir," Snape said.

Harry blinked, confused momentarily before feeling disappointment and dread fill him. "Sir," he added hesitantly.

"Legilimency!"

Aunt Petunia chasing him out of the house with her broom. Voldemort in the graveyard. His vision of Mr. Weasley. Reading Hermione's letter from Christmas, feeling jealous of her and Ron finally getting together…His little daydream of telling his friends about getting together with Snape and spending Christmas with Snape…

Harry shoved with all of his might the moment he saw the memory coming back, but he felt panicked and found that more of the vision was coming up more easily instead of being able to hide it. He immediately crumpled to the floor when Snape suddenly pulled out. His heart was pounding hard enough to feel as though it was trying to escape his chest. He felt his neck and face heating up unbearably and he only dared a few glances at Snape who stood completely still and completely shocked. Harry opened his mouth, wanting to snap at the man for looking into such a personal memory or something, but all he did was let out a strangled sound before closing his mouth.

"Legilimens!"

Telling Hermione about his feelings for Snape. Ron and Hermione entering the common room, hand in hand, grinning happily. Watching Snape in class. Seeing Snape injured last night, feeling as afraid as he had the night he had seen Mr. Weasley's attack. The dream that haunted him that night…Telling Snape he loved him…Spending all day, worrying over Snape seeing that memory…Running into Umbridge in the corridor…

Harry wanted to dig a hole in the floor and bury himself as Snape pulled out of his memories. This time he didn't even dare a short glance up at the man. He could feel the man's nearness and he hated it…He hated how much he wanted to get closer and how much he wanted more. He hate that Snape knew it…He hated that Snape had gotten access to so many personal memories of his…His deepest thoughts and dreams that terrified him. He hadn't even figured out what it all meant yet and here Snape was looking through them all!

"I think you should leave, Potter…And don't come back until you learn some control,"

Harry gritted his teeth and glared up at Snape. What, exactly, sir? My hormones? My emotions? Or this stupid, useless skill? "Control of what, exactly? Professor?"

"You're not even trying."

"What? You think I wanted you to see all of that?"

"Quite frankly, yes!"

"You are insane," Harry hissed, scrambling to his feet. "I'm not stupid enough to think that would get me anywhere!"

"You were stupid enough to kiss me."

Harry felt a chill run through his body, every inch of him tensing up horribly. His mind was swept blank. He couldn't think. He was furious and he was hurt and he wanted to do something to express that, though he had no idea what to do. After a moment he just shook his head and growled and stormed out of the office, taking pleasure in slamming the door as hard as he could behind him.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Severus wanted to take points as Potter stormed out of his office. Twenty points for rudeness. Ten for leaving his office in such a manner. Fifty for slamming his door. Two hundred for his indecent thoughts. Ten for not coming up with a good remark. Severus swallowed the words back, though, and slowly walked back to his desk. He pulled towards him a stack of tests from seventh years and began his marking, losing himself to deep thoughts.

It was bad enough Potter was dreaming of having sex with him. Looking upon those fantasies made him feel dirty, as though he were being used or something. It was a strange feeling to have. There was something even more wrong about seeing Potter's dreams of being in a relationship with him…Loving him. The child was insane! Severus shook his head. This was all wrong. He wanted nothing more than to drive the brat as far away as possible…He could make the child think lower of him than he thought of anyone. He could make him miserable…

But he couldn't could he? Between Dumbledore and the Dark Lord, he was stuck with the boy. He had to play nice and get to know him and get close to him. That hadn't helped matters so far, it had only made them worse! The idiot thought he was in love with him! Severus snorted and quickly counted all of the Xs he had made on Vaughn Guigen's (a Ravenclaw's) paper before scribbling an E on the top right corner. He dipped his quill into the inkpot and had to resist the urge to dig through the fifth year papers and scratch out the P he had given the boy and draw a huge T over the entire front parchment.

Potter was making life way too complicated.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"…and, you know…being…gay isn't really common…Loads of people think it's wrong-"

"Ronald!"

"Well it's true! I didn't say I thought it was wrong. It shocked me a bit and it's still sort of weird-"

"Ron!"

"Well I don't mean anything by it! I mean…You're my best mate! I support you in whatever you do…I'm just saying that that's how it is…Might also encourage you not to make a fuss about it. I can only imagine what the-Oh c'mon, Mione!" Ron exclaimed, cringing under the harsh glare of his girlfriend. "Harry knows I don't mean anything by it, don't you?"

"Yeah…No, it's fine," Harry assured them, quickly looking up from his homework in confusion. He was sitting in the Gryffindor common room with his best friends, the same place they always liked to sit together. They had parked themselves in those chairs by the fire right after the latest D.A. lesson and Harry had tried to get some work done on the Potions essay he had due tomorrow, having more incentive than ever to do well in that class. Besides, Ron and Hermione were normally too busy making him feel awkward in their new couple status for him to want to pay much attention. Harry hadn't even noticed they were talking to him until he tuned into the word "gay."

Harry had no idea why they had been on that subject, and he wasn't sure if he should ask for clarification or not. He felt badly for not paying attention to them, even if they had to understand why. Most importantly, though, was what Ron had said. Being gay wasn't accepted in the Wizarding World, apparently. It didn't surprise Harry too much…It wasn't completely tolerated in the Muggle world, either…At least that Harry had seen. He recalled plenty of nasty comments Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, and Dudley made about seeing gay people on TV or even commenting on some fags they saw at the store one day. Their opinion hadn't really come into Harry's mind…They didn't matter much. Ron and Hermione seemed fine with it…But this was the world he loved, the world he was a part of and lived in…And it was wrong here? Harry frowned and tried not to dwell on it too much. Maybe he wasn't completely gay…Maybe if he was halfway straight, that would be acceptable?

"Well as I was saying…" Ron went on, shifting uncomfortably and glancing at Hermione nervously. "I heard that some bloke from Ravenclaw is gay, too! He's in the D.A., I think…Right? Terry Boot?" he asked, glancing to Hermione.

"Yes, him," Hermione said irritably. "Just because he's gay doesn't mean Harry will be interested in him!"

"Oh…Right," Ron said, frowning. "It was just a thought…And maybe, you know…It would be good to have a friend who's…Like that. Ya know?"

Oh, so that's what this whole thing was about. Harry couldn't help but to laugh. Hermione was right, though…Just because Terry was gay (if he was), didn't mean Harry was going to fall in love with him or anything. He knew Terry better from the D.A. and honestly wasn't attracted to him or anything. He was a decent guy and all, but Harry found he only really had eyes for one man these days.

"Oh, sp-" Hermione began, but her eyes grew wide and she blushed a bit, hesitating before continuing. "Ummm…You have lessons tonight, don't you, Harry?" Hermione asked. Ron was giving her an odd look and turned to Harry, shrugging his shoulders. Harry shrugged, too, not sure what Hermione had been about to say, but he figured that whatever it was, it was good she didn't say it.

"Yeah, you're right," Harry said, dread filling him as he reluctantly stood up. After their disastrous lesson last night, Harry wasn't enthusiastic about returning. Snape was a right git and now that the man had seen all of those memories, Harry felt sort of embarrassed. Harry vowed to do better in Occlumency, though, hoping that improvements made in those lessons and in Potions might impress the man or at least make him stop being such a jerk…Or a the very least give him less things to insult Harry about.

He was going to have to find time to talk to Hermione about everything that had been happening, Harry thought to himself as he walked down the corridors. Between classes and Occlumency and Defense lessons, and D.A. lessons there was hardly much free time and considering Ron and Hermione were now dating, most of Hermione's time spent not studying was enjoying her newfound relationship. Harry felt sort of bad about not confiding in Ron about everything, especially since it might have done him some good…He often times found himself alone with the two of them and would have had plenty of time tonight to talk about it, if he dared to. But Harry was still uncertain about telling Ron all of this, meaning it was going to take a bit before he could get to Hermione about it.

If things kept up this way, though, Harry was going to have to tell Ron eventually…He wasn't sure he'd be able to keep it all in if everything continued in this manner.

Harry was lost in thought as he walked down to the dungeons, pulled out by several loud female voices echoing through the halls. "Draco! Come out! Please? Dracoooo!"

Curiously, he passed by Snape's office and walked towards the boy's restroom where several girls stood outside, calling for Draco Malfoy to join them. Harry recognized the Greengrass sisters, Daphne and Astoria…Pansy Parkinson, Millicent Bulstrode, and Tracey Davis. Pansy was front and center, looking the most desperate to get in, while Daphne stood back shooting glares at her back.

"What do you think is wrong with him?"

"Nothing is wrong with him! He's a Malfoy!" Pansy snapped, rolling her eyes.

"Ooh look, it's Harry Potter!" Tracey Davis exclaimed, grinning wickedly as she turned to face him. Simultaneously, the heads of the other girls snapped in his direction. "What are you doing here, Potter?"

"I have Remedial Potions," Harry answered automatically. "Needed to use the loo before I go in, though, if you don't mind," he said, pushing past them.

"Little Gryffindors shouldn't be using Slytherin restrooms," Millicent interjected.

"Well, that's too damn bad," Harry said, pulling the door open and thus shoving Pansy aside in the process. He quickly pulled the door shut before any of the girls could get a peak inside. He heard angry muttering from outside and a bit of clawing on the door before the girls resumed pleading with Malfoy to come out.

"You are more popular than I give you credit for, Malfoy," Harry said jokingly, turning to see where Malfoy was. The other boy stood by the sinks, his hands gripping the sides of the sink harshly while he glared into his reflection.

"Starting not to like it too much, myself," Malfoy said.

Harry just stood there, not knowing what to do and almost regretting walking in here. Malfoy seemed upset…Really upset. He was pale and his usually sleek blond hair was a mess. His silvery gray eyes were bloodshot and puffy and his cheeks were blotchy and it almost seemed as though he had been crying. But that couldn't be right, could it?

"How are things with my godfather?" Malfoy asked, his voice quiet and hoarse.

"Erm…No worse than usual," Harry replied, hesitantly walking closer to the boy. Malfoy just bowed his head, but did nothing to discourage Harry's closeness. Harry stood at the sink beside Malfoy's and leaned back against it, keeping his eyes on the stalls and the urinals and the wall, looking everywhere but at the Slytherin beside him. "I had a dream…Told him I loved him."

Malfoy laughed. It sounded weak and half forced and somehow Harry found himself relaxing at the sound. He wasn't sure why he was telling Malfoy this, but he needed to tell someone and Malfoy was the only other person who knew anything about his feelings for Snape. "Do you?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you in love with him?"

"I…don't think I know," Harry replied honestly. "I don't want to know. It's just…It's nuts!"

"Yeah…It is," Malfoy agreed, laughing shakily. "Feeling pretty nuts myself right about now."

Harry raised his eyebrow and dared himself to look at the other boy. He didn't look nearly so haughty as he almost always did. He didn't even seem to have the energy to pretend he was okay anymore. Harry opened his mouth, wanting to ask what was wrong, but forcing himself to close his mouth. He doubted Malfoy would say anything and would probably sober up the moment Harry brought it up. The least Harry could do was try to provide some comfort without making a show of it…He wasn't so sure if being here was enough of a comfort, but Harry knew that most of the time it helped to have someone around, even if they weren't talking.

Green eyes returned to the wall ahead of him and only a moment later he noticed something coming his way. Reflexively he caught the paper ball as it hit his chest, before it had a chance to fall from the ground. It had come from Malfoy's direction, but when he looked at the boy, he was gripping the sink tighter, his jaw trembling as he lowered his head further. Harry swallowed and glanced down at the balled up parchment in his hands, hesitantly undoing it and glancing at Malfoy now and then as he did so. The boy made no change in position and finally when it was straight again (or as straight as it would ever get again in its condition), Harry began reading the curly, unfamiliar handwriting that took several glanced to decipher.

_Dear Draco,_

_I wish you had not left home so abruptly. Your mother is heartbroken that you chose to abandon us so early for your school friends. You know how she misses you and worries about you. I was almost afraid she would suspect something, but she luckily hasn't. We couldn't break your mother's heart that way, could we? I love your mother dearly, Draco, and I know you feel the same way. I know you would never intentionally hurt her._

_This would hurt her, though. You must know that. She can never know. I do not doubt your mother would die of the heartache. She loves us both very much and it pains me dearly that I cannot properly love her the way a husband should his wife. My desires are unnatural…sick and twisted, as your godfather has called it. My own father might have strangled me, had he known of my preference for the male body. It is our secret, isn't it, my dragon? You wouldn't dare breathe this truth to anyone, would you? Not knowing the damage it could do to this family._

_Homosexuality is wrong. Everyone knows that. I tried for many years to please that side of me and many more years shortly after your birth to deny it. You cannot understand what it was like, my son, to hide such an important part of me. To deny myself the thing I began to crave more than anything. Have no doubts that your mother is a beautiful and wonderful witch. Any man would be lucky to have her and we are very blessed men to call her ours. As lovely as Narcissa is, she is unable to give me what I need. That is why I come to you, my Draco. My beautiful, clever son._

_I've been thinking about you, missing you ever since you left. I had waited a long time to have you in my arms again. Our summer together was a perfect one and it was torture going so long without your body. Yet you leave midway through the break? I am very disappointed. You have no idea how desirable you are, do you? I miss the feel of your soft, pale flesh and your soft, full lips against mine. I miss holding you against me and I miss being able to tell you how perfect you are and how much I love you._

_I do love you, Draco. You are my son and the most beautiful lover I have ever been blessed to bed. I know your godfather has much to say on the subject, but you shouldn't listen to him. We both know how sinful our actions are, but we have already crossed that line and there is no reason to refuse ourselves that spectacular pleasure. I do hope you will come to us for Easter break. I miss you terribly and you know your mother will be devastated if you do not come to see us._

_Love,_

_Your Father_

Harry's hands were shaking as he reached the end of the letter, his stomach churning in revulsion. There was a second piece of parchment beneath and Harry pulled it out. This note was hastily written scribble that was even harder to read and far less formal than the former.

_I am deeply sorry for the last letter I wrote to you. It was wrong of me. I am so sorry, my Draco. I am a horrible father. Horrible. Please forgive me. I do love you. You are my only son and I've been hurting you and I hate myself for that. I won't touch you again, I promise. I swear it. I am so deeply remorseful. Please write back soon. At least for your mother's sake._

"Uhh…" Harry said, uncertainly folding the parchment and setting it in the sink behind him, not entirely sure Malfoy would want them back. Malfoy made no move to take them. He stood there, shaking lightly and without thinking about it, Harry reached out to put a hand on his back. Malfoy tensed up horribly and Harry almost drew his hand back, but Malfoy relaxed under his touch and laughed quietly. "He's said that before, you know. That he'd stop."

Harry swallowed hard, feeling like he should say something. How could he respond to that? This boy who he had hated for years…his father was raping him and sending him awful letters trying to guilt him into continuing an incestuous affair and begging forgiveness and claiming that he was alright…"Yeah," Harry said, frowning. "Erm…You ever try…umm…castrating him or something? I'm sure there's got to be something like that…or an anti aphrodisiac or…something," Harry finished lamely.

"He's my father," Malfoy whispered, his voice so full of pain and desperation that Harry felt his heart breaking for him.

"I know," Harry mumbled. "Th…There's nothing-?"

"Move away! Stop loitering in the corridors! You should know better. Do not make me take points from my own house!" Snape's voice was shouting from outside the door. Malfoy jumped and straightened up and Harry quickly snatched his hand back as the door burst open.

"Draco…Potter," Snape said. He glared at Harry for a moment before turning a more concerned and troubled gaze towards Malfoy.

Without a word, Malfoy fled, pushing right past Snape. The sound of his footsteps seemed to echo. "Draco!" Snape called after him, sweeping out into the hall. Harry made to follow but stopped and grabbed the letters first. They were certainly nothing anyone else needed to get a hold of. He was surprised to find himself nearly running into Snape as he left the bathroom.

"Potter-" Snape began, a low and dangerous tone in his voice, but Harry quickly shoved the letters into his arms and folded his own trembling arms over his chest. Eying him carefully, Snape unfolded the parchment and quickly read over the content.

"I don't think I can do this, Professor…I didn't know what to say to him when he showed me…I don't know what to do…I don't think…I just…I want to help, but I don't know…" Harry found himself babbling, watching Snape closely as the man read over the letters, fury blazing in his black eyes as he finished, crumpling the parchment into his hands.

"I…should kill…him," Snape growled.

Harry frowned. He was inclined to agree, but he had a bad feeling about letting Snape do anything. Snape, too, seemed to understand there was little he could do. He could tell the man was trying to calm himself down by the way he took deep breaths and the twitching in his hands as he tried to hold his arms still by his sides. "If…you don't think you're up for the job-"

"I'll do whatever I can," Harry interrupted defensively. "I just…don't know how good it's going to be."

Snape only nodded. "An attempt is the most I can ask for…I…It's…It's good…It will be nice for Draco to have someone there for him," Snape said, seeming to struggle with the words before finishing off lamely. Harry thought the man had been trying to compliment him or thank him or something, so he smiled and nodded his head.

"Sir…We can't…Report him to Dumbledore or the Ministry or something? His dad, I mean?" Harry asked timidly.

Snape frowned. "Believe me, I would have done so if I would have thought it would do any good. Lucius Malfoy is a highly respected member of society. He is very friendly with the Minister, Cornelius Fudge. I believe Headmaster Dumbledore suspects, but…There isn't much we can do unless Draco would be willing to go forward with it. I do not think his pride would allow him to appear weak or let his family's name be dragged through the mud. This…is a highly complicated matter, Mr. Potter."

Harry nodded his head. "I understand, sir," he agreed. "Do you…Think there's any chance I could…?"

"Even if you were friends, I do not think you could convince Draco to come forward," Snape explained quietly, eying Tracey and Millicent as they walked down the hall. Snape fell silent, waiting for the girls to pass…They purposefully slowed down, as though wanting to overhear something, and seemed disappointed when they finally walked off. Snape cleared his throat and stood up straighter, speaking more clearly now. "You are late for your lessons, Potter. I trust you have come prepared?"

"Only one way to find out," Harry sighed, heading to Snape's office. He had been working harder than ever on his Occlumency in his spare time. He only wasn't too sure how well he would do in practice.

As it turned out, both of their minds were too focused on Draco Malfoy's problems to successfully get any work done.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**Author's Notes:** Thanks for all the reviews! Please remember to review after this chapter! I'll be super happy to see what everyone is thinking! Chapter title lyrics from the song "Father's Son" by 3 Doors Down.


	20. You're Coming Up With Reasons

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_You're Coming Up With Reasons_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

It had been too long since he had the hard body of a man beneath him…His skin was so tan and so smooth, slightly muscular from many afternoons spent practicing Quidditch and many years of escaping trouble. His dark hair, while unruly, was soft to the touch and he couldn't get enough of running his fingers through it, gripping firmly on the short black locks as he held the boy in a bruising kiss.

"Severus, please…"

Severus chuckled. "When will you ever learn patience?"

He leaned back, looking into those green eyes, so clouded by desire and need…He watched that pink tongue slip out, eagerly running across his thoroughly kissed lips. "Fuck me."

"I should give you a detention for your impertinence."

"You should fuck me in detention, too," the boy muttered, his strong arms wrapping around Severus, trying to pull him closer. Severus chuckled, grabbing his arms and holding him firmly into the mattress.

"You should be careful what you wish for, Potter," Severus murmured, trailing his lips down the boy's neck, smirking as the boy moved against him, moaning quietly. "I am a very demanding lover."

"Take me any way you want, I don't care, just do something!" the boy demanded desperately, bucking his hip up against Severus.

"I don't know if you failed to notice, Potter, but I am," Severus growled, biting down gently on his skin. Harry moaned again.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

CRASH!

BANG!

Severus sat up in bed, breathing heavily as he listened to voices arguing outside his bedroom door. Oddly enough, Severus was (for a moment) less worried about intruders and whatever had been knocked over and more worried about his disappointment and irritation over having his dream interrupted. "Son of a," Snape grumbled, throwing off his covers and pulling himself out of bed, shuffling through the darkness and grabbing his door knob, flinging it open and glaring deeply at the two house elves who stood next to a fallen bookshelf.

"Effy, you is a bad house elf! Pro-Professor Snape!" exclaimed one house elf, Bibby.

Effy squeaked, tears rolling down her face. "Effy is sorry, Professor Snape! Effy is a bad house elf!"

"Get. Out."

Not waiting for further instruction, the two house elves disappeared, still muttering apologies and arguments under their breath. Severus sighed heavily and summoned his wand before righting the shelf and putting the books back into their place with a few flicks of the wrist. He could worry about the condition of his books later…Severus had other things on his mind. Grumbling under his breath, Severus walked back into his bedroom sleepily and fell back into bed, yanking the dark red blankets back over his body.

He was hard as a rock by now, his cock standing proudly beneath his pajama pants. For a moment he wasn't sure if he was more aroused or more tired, but eventually pulled down his pants and wrapped his long fingers around his cock, stroking firmly as he closed his eyes, recalling the dream. He imagined capturing Potter's mouth in a searing kiss, rubbing their hips together. Potter clutching at his back, writhing beneath him, moaning beautifully…He couldn't think of anything more erotic than that.

It was a perfect vision, one he almost never wanted to end. The boy was so beautiful…More enticing than any other lover he had had, real or otherwise. The dream ended faster than he liked and only enjoyed the comfortable, peaceful pleasure that followed his orgasm a few moments before it all came crashing down. His eyes widened in horror and he looked down at himself in disgust. He had not just…No…He couldn't have…

Not only was the idea of wanking off at the age of thirty five pathetic, but wanking off over thoughts of his student? Harry Potter, no less! There was something very, deeply wrong here. The boy and his ridiculous fantasies were getting to him much more than he liked.

"Merlin help me," the man grunted, jumping out of bed and storming into his bathroom, trying very hard to force images of strangling the boy or cursing him into his head instead as he angrily washed off his body, feeling filthy and awful.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Potions class the next day was horrifying. Why, oh why, did he have to see that stupid brat every day? Severus went out of his way to ignore Potter and was thankful that Draco was keeping his ingredients to himself today, so he didn't have to fuss at Potter for blowing up his cauldron. In fact, Draco was acting almost like Severus; determined not to do anything to Potter. He instead focused on ruining Weasley's and Longbottom's potions. Whether it had something to do with embarrassment over what had taken place a few days ago or kindness born from Potter's strange attempts at friendship, Severus wasn't sure.

It did not help matters that Potter was watching him again. He was getting better at not doing it so much, but Severus felt every inch of his body hyperaware of Potter's gaze every time those green eyes bore into him. It wasn't much…Not enough to draw any attention to them…But Severus noticed and it was driving him crazy. He imagined grabbing Potter's tie and strangling him with it or pouring the contents of Longbottom's cauldron over his head. Yes…That was much better.

"Well…erm…he's got a nice arse," Weasley was muttering as Severus made his rounds around the room again.

"What?" Granger hissed.

"WHAT?" Potter all but shouted.

Severus cringed. It was hard to ignore that. Severus turned his glare upon the trio, trying hard to focus more on Weasley whose entire body seemed to be turning a shade of red that would certainly make Godric Gryffindor proud. "Twenty points from Gryffindor. Focus on your work."

"Yes, sir," they muttered.

"I was just saying…Terry Boot has a decent arse."

"Ronald!" Granger exclaimed, looking mortified.

"Well, I don't think so!" Weasley hurried to explain. "I just mean…Well…I heard Marietta Edgecomb telling Cho Chang he had a nice arse and thought that girls might know a thing about nice arses and…Well…I'm trying to help Harry out!"

"I don't need help, thanks," Potter replied, though he sounded and looked oddly relieved. Severus smirked to himself, having a pretty good idea of what Potter had originally been thinking Weasley meant.

"Well I don't want you to be lonely, mate! And he's the only gay bloke I know of here!"

"Ron, I'm not going to be interested in every bloke who turns out to be gay, okay?"

"I know, I know, but it doesn't hurt to…I don't know…Try it out. Maybe you're not even gay."

Granger sighed impatiently and Severus resisted the urge to do the same. "Ron…"

"What?" Weasley hissed.

"I appreciate the thought, Ron, but I'm fine. I don't think I'll be in a relationship for a while, anyway…"

"Why not, mate? Is it because of what I said?"

"You said a lot, Ron…But no. It's nothing to do with that…"

Severus was tempted to eavesdrop further, but figured he'd been lingering around this side of the room too long. Mentally cursing himself for being so interested in their stupid conversation, he walked over to the Slytherin side of the room. Pansy and Daphne were in a heated argument about who Draco wanted to go out with more…Girls were ridiculous. Tracey was teasing Millicent over having a crush on Crabbe…Severus wrinkled his nose at the thought of anyone being attracted to that buffoon. Crabbe and Goyle were talking about breast sizes of various girls in their year and Severus caught the end of Goyle picking on Crabbe for thinking Granger had a nice chest. Teenagers, Severus thought distastefully.

Teenagers!

Potter was just a child. A teenager. Twenty years his junior. He was a disgusting old man, having such perverted thoughts about his own student. A fifteen year old boy! Severus clenched his jaw and resisted the urge to look at the boy again. Instead he moved over to check on Draco and Theodore's potions, both of which were nearly as perfect as Granger's. The whole incident from last night had been driving him crazy all day. He felt awful and filthy and he hated himself for it. It wasn't doing him well to dwell on it, either, but it was hard getting his mind to focus when the reason he was having all of this trouble was sitting in this room with him.

"…not that I'm complaining…I'm having fun mess with the Weasel…But we haven't done anything to Potter at all today," Theodore was muttering.

"That's because I mess with Potter all of the time," Draco said, waving the boy off. "I'm bored of it."

"True," Theodore said, shrugging. "Truthfully, I always thought Longbottom was a better target."

Draco eagerly latched onto the subject of how fun it was to torment Longbottom while Severus returned to his desk. The conversation hadn't told him much, but Severus had a feeling this whole thing was more about sparing Potter than avoiding him. As much of an issue as Severus himself had with the boy right now, it was good to see this little plot of theirs turning out well. Draco had shown Potter the letters from his father and now Draco was not making his Potions class experience miserable.

"Time is up! I expect your potions on my desk along with your finished essays," Severus said smoothly, sitting behind his desk as the students started packing up and bottling their potions. Only Granger managed the teal color it was supposed to be while Draco, Theodore, and Blaise came close. None of the other ones were anywhere near being blue. Potter's, at least, managed to be green…That was better than most of his classmates' attempts. It wasn't great, but it was better than the performances he usually gave.

Severus wanted to say something about how awful his potion turned out, but bit his tongue and didn't even spare the boy a glance as he looked over everyone else. He didn't dare look, but he had a feeling Potter lingered behind a bit longer than usual, because he heard the urgent voices of Granger and Weasley ushering him out of the room.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

The only thing worse than dealing with Potter in Potions class was dealing with Potter in his Occlumency lessons. It was bad enough that he was alone with the boy without having to dig through his mind, seeing evidence of every dream Potter dared have about him to every moment in reality spent checking him out or staring at him or anything of that nature. Even the few conversations he had had with Granger about him were awful to sit through. Potter walked into his office, looking as though he greatly dreaded this and Severus knew exactly how he felt. He didn't want to do this anymore than that idiot did. But there was little choice…Severus had tried to get out of these lessons numerous times and he was too smart to try again. He already knew he would be refused.

Deciding the best means of making himself feel better was by making things a bit more difficult on Potter, Severus raised his wand when the boy's back was turned to close the door. "Legilimens!"

The first thing that greeted him was an interesting dream about Weasley telling off Potter for being friends with Draco and having a thing for Severus, telling him towards the end that he might as well just be a Slytherin. The next was Potter walking alongside Granger while she headed to one of her classes, telling Potter he was going to be late to Divination. Potter badgered her, telling her he needed to talk to her about important things while Granger merely said impatiently, "I don't know why you don't just tell Ron! It would make your life a lot easier if he knew!" while Potter just sputtered. "You know he'll flip about it!" Granger just glared at him and they continue walking and arguing. The scene melted into a different one, Potter standing beside Draco in the bathroom, reading the letters from Lucius.

Severus pulled out of the boy's mind, pleased to watch him stumble back, looking dizzy and confused for a moment. "How on Earth do you expect anything to happen if you're too ashamed to tell Weasley about me?" Severus asked, voice harsh and teasing. Maybe bringing that up wasn't too good, but he couldn't help himself. Any means of being a prat to Potter made him feel good right about now.

Potter just glared at him. "I'm not dumb enough to think that anything will happen, so I'm not going to have him flip out just to tell him about something that doesn't even matter."

"I don't matter?" Severus drawled, enjoying the way the boy's face flushed. "I'm hurt. Legilimens!"

Severus bending Potter over his desk. Severus pushing Potter against his wall. Potter kneeling before him in the corridors at night, undoing his pants while those green eyes stared up at him, filled with lust, Severus's fingers burying in that untidy black hair, urging him closer…Potter's proclamations of love…Checking out Severus's arse in class today right before Weasley made his comment about Terry Boot…

Potter fell flat on his bum as Severus pulled out of his mind. The boy was glaring, his whole face as red as Weasley's had been earlier. Severus sneered. "Mr. Boot isn't looking so awful now, is he? Perhaps you should take your friends advice…I do get so bored of seeing your dull dreams of me."

"I don't think you are…Gives you something to think about when you wank. Don't forget I'm no the only one who's had these dreams, Professor"

Damn that boy and damn that ridiculous Shield Charm he had used to get into his mind months ago. "That was once," he lied, "and nothing more than a response to all of those awful images you were pushing into my mind. You, on the other hand, are bordering obsessed…It would do you good to see other people. I do not wish to deal with foolish boys who think they know me…think they feel something for me."

Potter's jaw clenched and his green eyes were alive with fury that sparked something deep within Severus. Desire? He didn't dare think it…That was truly sick. "Maybe I'll go ahead and do that then," Potter snapped, turning and storming out.

Severus breathed a sigh of relief and sank into the chair behind his desk. He did his best to ignore the part of him that was bothered by the idea of pushing Potter into the arms of Terry Boot or some other foolish student. He was also doing his best to continue to push away all thoughts of his desires for the boy away. Everything about this situation that bothered him was exactly why he had to do it. Potter focusing his attentions on someone else would be easier on him. If Potter stopped thinking about him, maybe Severus wouldn't be forced into thinking about him so much. It all made sense to Severus.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Harry ran out of the dungeons as fast as he could, ignoring the jeering of the Slytherins he passed along the way. Obsessed, Snape had called him! Foolish, he called him. Didn't know him…only thought he had feelings for the man…That prick! The man was in his head, looking at his most private thoughts, then acted like he had the right to get upset about it. He acted like he had the right to shove it all in his face! Then he took the one bit of pleasure, the one bit of hope Harry had in knowing Snape had had some sort of dream about him, too, and made it out to be nothing. Harry was just some lovesick idiot.

He was frustrated. Harry didn't like how he felt about Snape. Hell, he didn't even understand what he felt about Snape! The man had been awful to him for so long! What did it matter that Harry had seen more to the man than that? He was still the most hated professor a Hogwarts. The man was his potions master and had been enemies with his father at school. The man made fun of him for his feelings all the time. He was a biased, sarcastic, bitter prat and Harry hated him sometimes.

Harry didn't even make it halfway to Gryffindor Tower before he regretted the decision to leave. He hated that he still felt anything for the man at all. He hated that, even now, he wanted to be around the prick. He missed how things used to be…before it got all complicated. He missed summer, when Harry hadn't known anything about being gay or being attracted to the git and when they were actually somewhat getting along.

Growling in frustration, Harry stopped to kick the wall, hissing at the sharp pain that shot through his toe. He punched the wall with less force, feeling entirely overwhelmed. He was tired of this…Why couldn't something in his life be simple? Didn't he have enough going on, being the Boy Who Lived in a world where Voldemort had returned? Couldn't his love life, of everything, just be normal and good and uncomplicated? Unfortunately, anything good was too much to ask for.

"Harry?"

Harry stopped in his muttering and brooding and turned around, surprised to see Cho Chang walking up to him, smiling softly. Harry forced himself to smile back. "Hey, Cho."

"So…umm…how's Remedial Potions going?"

Harry chuckled darkly. "Extra lessons with Snape. How do you think it's going?"

Cho giggled. "Not so good, I suppose," she said nervously, walking closer to him slowly. She was pretty, Harry thought to himself. He had always thought she was pretty…But he didn't want her anymore. He was a bit disappointed by that thought. "So…Umm…You know…There's a Hogsmeade weekend on Valentines Day."

"Hmm? Oh…Oh yeah," Harry said.

Cho blushed and smiled shyly. "I was just thinking…maybe…"

She wasn't…? "Do you want to go with me?" he blurted out.

"Oooh yes!" Cho said giddily.

"Great," Harry said, grinning.

"Great!" Cho giggled. "Well I better get back…Marietta's waiting for me. See you, Harry!"

Harry smiled, watching Cho walk off. Her black ponytail swung from side to side and her hips swayed and she half skipped as she walked. Cho Chang…His dream of last year. One of the prettiest girls at school…His smile faded as she became nothing but a black dot in the distance and he sighed heavily. "What the bloody hell did I just do?" he muttered to himself.

Five minutes later, he walked into Gryffindor Tower in a daze. Ron and Hermione were one of few people in the common room, snogging on the couch. Harry was tempted to sneak past them and go to bed, but instead found himself stopping by their couch, clearing his throat. Ron and Hermione jumped apart, grinning goofily, faces burning red.

"Harry! You're…early!" Hermione exclaimed, sitting up straight and clearing her throat.

"I did something bad," Harry groaned, sinking into a nearby chair.

"Oh no, Harry, d-" Hermione began.

"Did you curse the git?" Ron asked eagerly.

"What? Oh, no," Harry said, shaking his head. "I asked Cho Chang to Hogsmeade for Valentine's Day."

"Oh wow," Hermione said, looking stunned.

"That's great, mate!" Ron said happily. "So you think you're not gay then?"

"No, I am," Harry said irritably and Ron deflated a bit. "Just…Got mad at someone and ended up asking Cho…I'm so stupid."

"Oh Harry," Hermione sighed.

"This have anything with the mystery bloke you like?" Ron asked.

Hermione's eyes grew wide.

Harry hesitated a moment before nodding. "Everything to do with him," Harry said. The next words were on the tip of his tongue, though he held them in for a minute. Was he really going to do this? "See, I've been having sex dreams about Snape since summer and during Occlumency lessons he's had full access to said dreams. He picks on me about it, but it wasn't so bad before…We used to talk and stuff after lessons, because Dumbledore and Voldemort want him to 'get close' to me or whatever. And I sort of started getting feelings for the git and now he's in a pissy mood and told me I needed to find someone else to 'obsess' over so I got mad and Cho was the first person I ran into and yeah."

Ron looked horrified. "Blimey! Bloody hell, mate…Wh-…Why…Umm…You feeling okay, mate?"

"I'm fine, Ron," Harry grunted. "I cannot believe I did this."

"Cho's better than Terry Boot and Snape combined, at least," Ron offered.

"Ron," Hermione sighed. "Harry should not have asked Cho out to get revenge on Snape!"

"Like it would work," Harry scoffed.

"You're right! And you should be grateful nothing will work!" Hermione said, launching off into a lecture about Wizarding laws. He wasn't of legal age, for one thing. Teacher-student relationships were illegal. Then the added addition of Snape having known his parents and the fact that homosexuality was wrong in the Wizarding world…That got her a good long glare from Harry where she had to quickly assure him that she had no problems with his sexuality, only that it would hurt their case even more for that fact. "So you see, Harry, maybe it's not a bad idea to take his advice. Realistically, it would never work! And a crush is a crush, but I think you're getting it into your head that…Well I think it's becoming more than that and it's not good, Harry! I'm just-"

"I know, Hermione…Thanks," Harry said grudgingly. He always knew his chances with Snape were slight, but that didn't mean having every small hope of his crushed was a good experience.

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**Author's Notes: **thanks for the reviews! I love hearing from people! Which leads me to something very important…Now, I have the majority of the story written out. Short summaries of what I want for each chapter. Now what's coming up within the next several chapters are the end of OotP and the big question is is if I should kill Sirius or not and if there is anyone else I should kill. I do have a person I plan on offing who didn't die in the book, but that's a secret for now and he/she will be dying no matter what…But I would like some input on this so please let me know what you think!

Also let me know what you think of the chapter, you know! Chapter title lyrics from "Fake It" by Seether.


	21. Tried to Erase Everything That I Felt

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Tried to Erase Everything That I Felt_

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The weeks following Harry asking Cho to Hogsmeade were strange. Snape, for one, was back to being his usual git of a self and Harry was doing his best not to admit to himself how much every nasty comment hurt. Occlumency lessons were tense and uncomfortable and Snape seemed likely to explode over the smallest things. Harry could hardly hold back his temper and the two often got into shouting matches in the man's office until Slytherins gathered outside of the office, cheering Snape on and encouraging him to give Harry detentions or suspend him or expel him or something. Harry hated it. Because no matter how hard Snape was trying to push him away, Harry didn't quite buy the whole thing. He knew the man…Maybe not completely, but he knew him better after all of this time. He still cared about him…Still desired him…Still loved him, if that was what it was. Staying strong was hard, but it was easy to vent off some of his frustrations while teaching D.A. lessons, though he was careful not to do too much damage to anyone or anything there.

Snape wasn't the only aspect of his life that seemed strange. Harry's relationship with Draco Malfoy changed somewhat, though Harry was probably the only one who noticed. For one, Malfoy stopped trying to screw him up in every class they shared together, and even got his goons to stop. Poor Neville had to suffer because of it, but it was still interesting. The Slytherins bought it easily, not one to doubt their little slice of royalty. He even stopped shouting insults at Harry every chance he got, only now and then offering teasing words that his friends agreed were brilliantly awful while Harry bit back laughter. Then, now and then, the two boys would run into each other alone and they would really get along. Most of the time it happened after curfew, when Harry was sneaking around. As prefect, Malfoy threatened him with detention a lot, but he would end up sitting with Harry in some dark corner and they would pick on each other and share friendly debates about random things, including a lot of Quidditch. They never again broached serious subjects, such as Malfoy's dad or Harry's feelings for Snape, and both seemed very grateful to one another for that.

The most annoying changes surrounded Harry asking Cho to Hogsmeade. Every time a Ravenclaw girl passed him they would giggle and Cho was constantly waving or winking at him or offering some other flirty greeting that made Harry feel awkward. Ron continuously made comments about how he might like Cho and maybe he wasn't gay after all (and lots of remarks about how horrible and ugly Snape was). Harry knew Ron was being nice and really would accept him either way, but he was making it obvious he would feel more comfortable if he wasn't. He was raised that way, Harry would remind himself. Most people raised in this world were. Most people period were. Then there was Hermione, berating him for using Cho, but encouraging him to try to be interested in people other than Snape. It took a lot of energy to restrain himself from snapping at a great number of people these days.

Harry felt nothing but dread waking up on Valentine's Day. All of the girls were giddy with excitement and Ron seemed happy, but nervous. He kept talking about everywhere he was going to bring Hermione today and what he wanted to get her and all sorts of things that Harry tried not to listen to, mainly out of irritation and jealousy. He made himself dress decently, feeling like he was walking to his death as he left the dormitories.

Hermione was waiting for them both, looking anxious in the middle of the room, many eyes focused on her. She looked really pretty, Harry had to admit. She was wearing nice jeans and somewhat girly, lavender shoes with a matching purple sweater and an almost fashionable blue jacket over it. Her long hair looked smooth and curly and pretty hanging perfectly around her face. She smiled brilliantly when Ron walked in, her chocolate brown eyes lighting up and a wide smile stretching over perfect, straight, white teeth.

"Wow," Ron said, blue eyes wide, his jaw dropped slightly. Hermione giggled and Ron turned to grin at Harry. "You know…I'm really glad you're gay, mate," Ron whispered, patting him on the back before walking over to Hermione. The two kissed softly and Harry averted his eyes and continued walking towards the exit.

"Harry, wait!" Hermione suddenly called out and Ron looked disappointed as she pulled away and dragged him along with her as she ran over to Harry. "Harry, can you and Cho meet me and Ron at the Three Broomsticks later?"

"Erm…Sure?" Harry said, looking to Ron who looked equally confused and a bit disappointed.

"It's important," Hermione assured them both, looking gleeful. "And don't worry, Ron, we'll have plenty of time together before then," she assured him with a smile that seemed to relax him.

"Alright then," Harry said, feeling uncomfortable all over again. "I'll see you later."

Leaving Ron and Hermione to their fun, Harry forced himself to walk out into the corridors, out near the entrance where he was supposed to meet Cho. He was almost surprised to find that she was almost there and frowned a bit at that. He at least wanted a few moments to prepare himself for this. Last year he would have loved to be where he was now, he couldn't help but think. He would have surely been drooling over Cho, looking lovely as ever with her dark hair in a long braid and a snug pink blouse and gray jacket, the whole outfit making her beautiful body stand out. Yet, Harry found it hard to be interested in her nicely developing pert breasts or her round little butt…Any hopes he had ever had of being bisexual were quickly flying out of the window, and found that he didn't really care so much.

His biggest concern was what to do about today. Part of him wanted to show Cho a bad time, so she wouldn't want to date him and it would save him the trouble of having to let her down. The other side of him felt badly for wanting to use her in the first place and thought that she had been upset enough over Cedric dying without him making things harder on her. Besides, Harry thought to himself, it wasn't as though he could ever have what he really wanted…And maybe if he spent more time with Cho he would remember why he wanted to date her so much last year. Maybe his confused feelings were just a phase.

"Hi, Harry," Cho said with a smile.

"Hey, Cho," Harry replied, making himself smile in return. "You ready?"

Cho nodded and side by side (a bit too close for his personal liking) they walked to the doors, waiting to be let out to Hogsmeade. It was a long, awkward few minutes where neither of them exactly knew what to say and Harry felt grateful to finally be let outside into the fresh, cold air where it didn't feel quite so strange, standing quietly with each other. He jumped when someone shoved past him and stared after Malfoy who was walking with a very smug looking Pansy Parkinson. Malfoy glanced back at him, his silver gray eyes confused as he looked between the two and Harry just offered a helpless shrug. Malfoy knew better than almost anyone how he felt about Snape.

"So…Umm…Do you know where you want to go, Harry?" Cho was asking.

"Go? Oh, umm…Not really. We can just walk around, if you want," Harry replied as they entered Hogsmeade. Lots of couples were walking around, hand in hand. Girls were clutching heart shaped boxes to their chests or gripping heart shaped balloons and running up to each other and squealing in a manner that made Harry feel as though he were about to lose his hearing. Girls were nuts.

"Oh, well I…I thought of a…a nice place we could try…if you want," Cho said nervously.

"That's fine," Harry replied, honestly not caring where they went. He was just ready for this nightmare to be over. Cho grinned and giggled excitedly and boldly reached out to take his hand. Harry let her and let himself be half pulled down the sidewalk "It's this neat little tea shop and it's just so perfect!" Cho was exclaiming, but Harry was hardly paying her much attention…Most of his focus was on regretting not telling her he wanted to go to Zonko's or somewhere like that first.

It was a decision he regretted even more as he was pulled into the tea shop. Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop was the place of nightmares. Over the top, frilly decorations covered the place. It looked like a girly Valentine's Day store had thrown up into the shop. It wasn't just crowded with gaudy decorations, either. Many couples sat at the small tables, holding hands and kissing and Harry felt his entire face heat up. "Isn't this so cute?" Cho exclaimed giddily and Harry was led over to one of the only open tables in the place. Cho was grinning broadly and looking quite happy to be here and Harry tried not to look too overwhelmed by the place. He glanced casually around the shop, half hoping Ron and Hermione would be here…Unfortunately, he knew Ron would hate this place just as much as him and he knew Hermione would think it was just plain silly. Ron was a lucky man, Harry thought grumpily. Most of Harry's friends…people Harry might have liked to see here…Harry doubted any of them would dare be caught dead in a place like this. Lucky bastards.

Harry did recognize a good number of people, though. Most in this shop were Hogwarts students. Lavender Brown had goo-goo eyes for Cormac McLaggen across the room and Roger Davies was making out with a pretty blond right next to his and Cho's table. Susan Bones appeared to be on the rebound with a Ravenclaw boy Harry thought he recognized. All around were people with silly grins and lovesick stares and Harry felt increasingly uncomfortable. The only thing of interest in the place were a group of four who had pushed their tables close to one another in a corner…Four Slytherins. Tracey Davis and Blaise Zabini and then Daphne Greengrass with Theodore Nott. They were laughing and having a right good time and Harry felt jealous of them. He figured they were probably making fun of the whole thing or tormenting nearby couples, but they were at least finding enjoyment in this hellhole.

Madam Puddifoot walked over to them the time Harry was done looking around and Cho gladly gave her their order…Just two coffees, which was fine with Harry. He wasn't sure he could stomach even that in this place.

"I'm so glad to be here with you, Harry!" Cho said shyly and Harry just now realized that she had taken his hand and was playing with it with both of hers.

"Yeah…erm…me too," Harry lied.

Cho giggled. "I really like you, Harry."

Harry just looked at her in surprise. She was being a bit more forward than he would have expected, but he figured she must have heard how much he had liked her last year. Maybe she figured he still did, though Harry had no idea what gave her that impression. Harry had no idea how to respond, but Cho didn't seem to be waiting for one. Instead she leaned right over that table and kissed him.

Maybe there was something in the air, Harry mused. Maybe Madam Puddifoot but love or lust potions in all of her tea or the sugar or something. All of this lovey-dovey stuff was ridiculous and now Cho Chang was holding his hand and kissing him? Of course, Madam Puddifoot hadn't brought over their drinks yet. Maybe it was the atmosphere of the place or the pressure put onto her by the others making out all over the room. Whatever it was, it was weird. Harry resisted the urge to pull away and instead leaned in, making himself kiss her back. It wasn't awful, Harry decided. Her lips were warm and soft and she smelled so pretty. It wasn't disgusting or anything…But he didn't feel anything, either. There were no sparks, no melting of the bones, no raging desire…Nothing Harry always imagined he would feel with Snape. And even Christmas night, that short, chaste kiss he gave Snape he had felt something stir up inside of him. With Cho, there was nothing…Just a somewhat pleasant feeling and taste of her lips on his.

"Mmm," Cho said with a smile as she pulled away. Madam Puddifoot chose that moment to appear with their cups, a bright smile on her face. "You two are very adorable together!" Madam Puddifoot proclaimed. "A perfect match, for sure!" she declared and gave one last, fond smile before bouncing off. Cho was blushing now and she bit her lip in a manner that might have made most men hard, while Harry was struggling to appear as interested as ever, despite his growing boredom and anxiousness to get out of this place.

Looking uncertain for a moment, Cho slowly stood up and walked over to his side of the table, gracefully placing herself in his lap, her arms sliding around his neck. Harry almost instinctively wrapped his arms around her waist, feeling more awkward than ever with this beautiful girl in his lap. He should want her. How many guys were dying to be in his place right now? And he didn't even want it. Cho was popular, beautiful, smart, athletic…And he couldn't get his mind off of Snape. Yet when Cho kissed him, he kissed her back. He let her lean in closer and let her deepen the kiss. He let himself run his hands along her slender sides and over the smooth skin of her hand and her stomach, where her jacket and blouse had ridden up. He let himself toy with her braided, dark brown hair that was soft to the touch. He wanted to force Snape out of his mind, but the more he tried, the more he failed, and the more repulsed he became by this entire situation.

After several long moments of trying to force himself to continue, Harry found it impossible and pulled back. "Cho I-…I think we should s-stop," Harry said, feeling guilt set in and he couldn't bear to look at her as he unwound his arms from her. She was probably going to cry or something and Harry felt bad enough as it was. Cho remained in place for a moment before suddenly jerking herself away and marching back to her seat. He saw her hands reach out, grabbing the sugar and the creamer and adding it to her coffee, the sniffles he heard from her making him feel awful. He hesitantly glanced up at her now gloomy expression.

"He asked me out, you know," Cho said, glancing over her shoulder at Roger and his girlfriend, still snogging happily. "A couple of weeks ago. Roger. I turned him down."

Maybe you should have accepted so you could be sitting in his lap then, Harry thought to himself bitterly. He wasn't jealous, but he had a feeling that was her aim and it annoyed him. Harry said nothing, though, only adding a bit of sugar to his own cup, though he had no intentions of drinking it.

"I came in here with Cedric last year," she added, her voice a bit higher now and he was horrified to see her brown eyes swimming with tears.

Did she seriously want to bring up Cedric now? Why did she want to talk about Cedric at all when he made her all weepy? "Erm…Do you want to come with me to Three Broomsticks later? I'm supposed to meet Hermione and Ron there."

Cho's tearfilled eyes narrowed and were suddenly burning in anger. "You're meeting Hermione Granger? Today?"

"Well, yeah."

"On Valentine's Day? When you already asked me out?" Cho demanded, voice shaky and high pitched.

Harry blinked in surprise. "Hermione is dating Ron…And I asked you to come, didn't I?"

"Yes, well…Bringing up other girls…meeting other girls!" Cho sputtered, looking both hurt and annoyed and Harry felt his stomach drop. He was already making things worse!

"Well, you brought up other boys, I don't see what the problem is," Harry shot back coldly, not sure where that had come from. He felt bad, but he was somewhat agitated with her for making this whole thing a mess.

"I-I…" Cho stammered, cheeks now blotchy and red. "How many other girls do you have lined up for today?" she asked crossly.

"How many other boys wanted to bring you here?" Harry demanded.

"Plenty!" Cho exclaimed.

"Yeah, well, good for you. Sorry you didn't accept one of their offers," Harry shot back.

"Yeah, so am I!" Cho exclaimed, hopping to her feet. "Have fun with Hermione Granger."

"Have fun with your admirers!" Harry called after her as she stormed out of the shop. Harry irritably stirred his coffee, growing steadily more aware that the eyes of most of the customers were on him. Harry frowned and bowed his head more as heat filled his neck and face. He felt kind of bad about blowing up on Cho, but he had hardly been in a good mood before she started throwing herself at him and getting all emotional. Girls were lunatics, Harry decided, and knew then that there was no way in hell he could ever be straight.

It was too early to meet Hermione, Harry decided, checking the time, but it was unbearable to sit in this place any longer. With his head held high, he quickly fled the shop and headed down the street, not sure what direction he was even headed in, so long as it was not the same direction Cho Chang had gone off in.

After walking a while he found himself outside of the Three Broomsticks and decided to go in…He was still early, but he had to use the restroom and figured he might find a familiar face to pass the time with while he waited on Ron and Hermione to arrive. The place was crowded and Harry had no idea how he and Hermione were going to find each other later, and decided to see if he could find an empty table closer to the entrance when he got back. For now he pushed through the crowd to locate the restrooms, relieved as he finally stepped in and was able to relieve himself.

Harry had been in too much of a hurry trying to get in to notice anybody, but the other occupant of the room noticed him. "Hiding from Chang already?"

Harry jumped and looked over his shoulder to see Malfoy leaning casually back against the wall. "You hiding from Parkinson already?"

"I'm a Malfoy, I do not need to hide from a girl," Malfoy said, rolling his eyes. "Though I do not mind taking my time getting back out there to her."

Harry snorted. Didn't surprise him much…Pansy was infatuated with Malfoy, but Harry couldn't see why anyone would be interested in her. "Yeah, well, Cho ditched me…At Madam Puddifoot's no less. Kind of glad to be rid of her, though."

"I bet you are," Malfoy laughed. "I don't know what person in their right mind would go to that place…Though you couldn't have been in your right mind if you were out with Cho Chang. She's beautiful, but I was under the impression she wasn't your…type."

"She's not," Harry said, sighing quietly as he zipped his pants back up and walked over to wash his hands. "Few weeks ago Snape pissed me off…You know how he can be and I was just fed up with it…He told me I should go out with someone else and I ran into Cho and she was hinting around that she wanted to come with me today and…I kind of asked her…Didn't even know what the bloody hell I was doing," Harry confessed, glancing around the restroom and pleased to find that he and Malfoy were alone…Made sense. Harry doubted Malfoy would be caught having a civil conversation with him.

"He's flipping out because you have a crush on him? Or rather, you're in love with him," Malfoy said with a smirk. Harry glared at him and Malfoy just shrugged. "I wonder why he's making such a big deal about it."

Harry shrugged, too, half wanting to tell Malfoy about what he knew about Snape…About their teacher having a fantasy about him. He decided against it and he hated the reason why. He just couldn't do that to the man, could he? Harry wanted to bang his head into the wall.

"So, how'd you get her to ditch you? Or was it an accident?" Malfoy asked.

Harry sighed. "She decided she wanted to make out with me…I tried kissing her back for a while but…I don't know. I kept thinking about Snape," Harry admitted. "So I told her to stop…Tried being nice about it. But she kept shoving in my face that Roger Davies asked her out and that Cedric had taken her there…Then I told her Hermione wanted me to meet her here later and she flipped out. I mean, I told her she could come along…I even mentioned that Ron was going to be there!"

"Girls are crazy," Malfoy laughed.

"Bloody insane," Harry corrected him, grumbling quietly. "So why are you out with Parkinson?"

"She adores me," Malfoy said, shrugging. Harry couldn't help but laugh. Yes, that was a perfectly naturally reason to go out with someone. Because they liked you…Not because you liked them or anything. Malfoy just smirked and rolled his eyes. "I like the attention."

"Everyone knows that," Harry said.

"Yeah," Malfoy agreed. "Anyway, she bugged me the most about it so I figured I'd take her out…Starting to wish I'd have gone with Daphne instead."

"If you were smart at all you would have known that from the start," Harry told him. He didn't know all of the Slytherins that well, but Daphne Greengrass was one of the few who wasn't as bitchy as the rest and she had never given Harry as much trouble as Pansy and Millicent and them had tried. "She try mo-…snogging you yet?" Harry asked. He had been about to use the word molest, but cringed and stopped himself, figuring that was the very last word he needed to use around Malfoy, along with rape.

Malfoy was quiet and still a moment, maybe having already guessed what Harry had wanted to say. "Yes, and I've managed to get out of it so far," Malfoy said, looking more disturbed than ever.

Harry didn't think much of it…He didn't think he'd look too happy about the idea of Pansy Parkinson snogging him, either. In the silence, Harry checked the time. He doubted he could expect Ron and Hermione for another hour or more and he glanced at Malfoy again. He stood awkwardly by the sink, wondering if he should stick around or not…Malfoy could probably use the company, he figured, until he gathered the courage to go back out and face his most devout admirer.

"It's not that I've never been kissed before," Malfoy said nervously after a moment. "I'm Draco Malfoy…I mean, I've kissed Pansy once before…and Daphne…and Tracey…But I never really thought about it. It was never a full out snog session…Just something to do and…I don't know…What if I don't like it?"

Harry felt another mean comment about Pansy coming on, but he held it back. Malfoy really looked nervous and Harry was surprised.

"What if…What if I'm like that…too?" Malfoy went on after a moment, his voice a bit high and panicky.

"Like what? Like…gay?" Harry asked, confused.

"Yeah," Malfoy said, cringing.

"Oh," Harry said. He wasn't sure what else to say. Malfoy seemed pretty upset about the whole idea, though. Lucius Malfoy had made it clear, though, the world's view on homosexuality. Maybe he was worried about becoming like his father. Maybe it was simply because he thought it was wrong, too…Or worried about being that way because everyone thought it was wrong. Harry didn't know, but he did understand that Malfoy had every right to worry about it. "Well…I guess…you won't know until you try, right?" Harry asked, not sure if he was being helpful at all or not.

"Yeah," Malfoy said, his voice sounding distant. He just stared at the walls for a while and Harry stood by the sink, looking around and silently hoping no one else came in. He didn't know how to help Malfoy, but he also didn't want anyone interrupting before he could. "Would you kiss me?"

Harry almost thought he heard wrong. He turned to Malfoy whose pale cheeks were a light pink color and he was determinedly not looking at Harry. Harry opened his mouth to ask why…He wasn't sure why he didn't just use Pansy or one of the other Slytherin girls for this experiment. Maybe he trusts me…maybe he feels more comfortable around me, Harry considered, though he couldn't be sure. Instead Harry closed his mouth and glanced around the room again, his heart pounding in his chest. Maybe he could pretend he hadn't heard Malfoy…Harry immediately felt bad about it and glanced at the boy. Honestly, he was a bit curious himself…He licked his lips and shoved his hands into his pockets, feeling rather nervous as he mulled over the idea.

"Uhh…Sure," Harry finally said after a moment.

Malfoy glanced up at him and Harry couldn't tell if he looked more relieved or nauseous. "Yeah? Good," Malfoy said, clearing his throat and forcing himself to stand a bit taller. Neither boy moved for a minute. Awkward silence hung heavily in the air and Harry nervously ran his fingers through his hair before forcing himself to move away from the sink and he walked over to Malfoy on legs that felt like jelly.

Harry wasn't sure if he was supposed to kiss Malfoy or if Malfoy was going to kiss him. What was he even expected to do? What sort of kiss? Would he be expected to do anything else, too? Before he could figure it out for himself, Malfoy got a very determined look on his face before stepping forward, grabbing Harry and kissing him deeply. Harry responded immediately, placing his hands on Malfoy's sides while Malfoy held his face in his hands. His lips weren't as full and plump as Cho's and the kiss wasn't as soft and Malfoy's body wasn't as delicate. He was strong…He wasn't like Snape, but he was definitely a man. And unlike with Cho, Harry felt a wave of dizziness and his stomach flip flopped pleasantly in response…It was a good kiss…Very good.

After a few moments, Malfoy pulled away and Harry immediately dropped his hands, letting them hang loosely and awkwardly by his side. Harry looked nervously away from the boy and Malfoy did the same, clearing his throat and standing tall. "Okay, so…I'm not gay," Malfoy said at last, his voice strong and sure with a hint of relief coming through.

"I definitely am," Harry said after a moment, licking his lips and feeling his face warm up as he said it. In his peripheral vision, he noticed Malfoy smirk.

"Don't tell me you're after me now," Malfoy teased.

"No, don't worry. I'm still hopelessly infatuated with your godfather," Harry sighed. Malfoy just laughed nervously and they both just stood there for a moment. It was so awkward Harry wanted nothing more than to leave, but he somehow felt stuck standing where he was.

"So, I gu-" Malfoy began, but they were interrupted by a loud banging on the door.

"Draco!" called out Pansy Parkinson's voice, as sugary sweet as Umbridge's and highly impatient. "Are you okay?"

"Hold your knickers on, I'm coming!" Malfoy shouted back. "Erm…Thanks," Malfoy said and nodded curtly to Harry before walking out of the bathroom.

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Harry remained in the bathroom a few minutes after Malfoy left, trying to clear his head before going back out into the pub. He caught up with Hagrid for a bit, finding the man a bit emotional before the half giant left. He spent a bit of time at a table with Fred, George, Lee, Dean, Seamus, and Katie, most of the group listening to Fred and George talk about ideas for products and such things and the success rate of what they had been trying out so far. Not only were the products interesting, but in good Fred and George fashion, they were cracking jokes every few minutes. They were all cracking up and Harry was laughing so hard his ribs hurt.

"Harry! Harry, over here!"

Harry glanced up to see Hermione enter with Ron and Luna. Harry turned back to the group and bid them goodbye before walking across the pub to join them. Ron looked grumpy and Luna was hidden behind a copy of The Quibbler. Hermione was smiling and waving at him and it took getting closer to their table that he realized they were joined by someone else…A very tired, messy looking Rita Skeeter, ex journalist of the Daily Prophet. Harry eyed her suspiciously and shot Hermione a questioning look.

"Didn't expect you to be here so early! Glad we made it here before I thought we would," Hermione said, sitting beside Ron. With Luna next to Rita, Harry took a seat closer to Ron and Hermione.

"Erm, yeah," Harry said.

"Where's Cho?" Ron asked.

"Dunno," Harry replied stiffly. "Not really interested at the moment."

Hermione and Ron frowned while Rita looked up curiously. "A girl? Girl trouble, Harry?" she asked, reaching into her crocodile-skin bag, digging around.

"That would be none of your business," Hermione replied coldly.

Still, Rita pulled out an acid-green quill and a few pieces of parchment, smoothing them out on the table. Hermione didn't object. Rita opened her mouth to speak and Harry had done so at the same time and both closed theirs at the same time. Luckily, Hermione immediately launched into an explanation. She wanted Rita Skeeter to write an article for The Quibbler with Harry's accounts of what had happened the night Lord Voldemort returned. Rita and Hermione argued a bit over Rita wanting to make the story more interesting, instead of truthful and her reluctance to do the piece for free. Harry and Ron said nothing, only shooting one another wide eyed glances now and then…Why Hermione was trusting this woman, Harry didn't know…Still, the idea of anyone taking his word for things…Of having his version of the story out there…It was too good to be true.

Eventually Rita and Harry got to work and Harry could not have been more pleased as he gave out the names of Death Eaters, especially naming Lucius Malfoy as one of them. As he did so, he couldn't help but look around the pub for Malfoy and Pansy, but he didn't see them among the crowd and resumed his story. The whole thing took up the rest of their time in Hogsmeade and Harry felt a bit bad as Ron sat grumpily, complaining now and then about how he wanted to go to various shops while Hermione apologized now and then and other times snapped at him and took the two into quiet bickering. Luna would make a strange comment now and then about the things she was reading, but most of Harry's focus was on giving his story.

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Hours later, Ron seemed relieved as they entered the common room. The trio walked to their favorite chairs by the fireplace and Hermione rolled her eyes as Ron flopped down dramatically. "I can't believe you got a hold of Rita Skeeter, Mione," he said. "And did we really-"

"Yes, it had to be today. The sooner the better, Ronald!" Hermione scolded for the fiftieth time. "We were not going to wait around on this! This is too important!"

"All right, all right," Ron said, frowning. "So tell us how it went with Cho, Harry."

Harry frowned. He had known this was going to come. "Horrible," Harry said, sighing heavily. "She kept trying to snog me but I kept thinking about…Well…You know," Harry said. Hermione nodded her understanding, a sympathetic look on her face. Ron looked momentarily confused, then horrified. He looked on the verge of protest, probably to insult Snape some more, but Harry quickly went on, launching into a detailed description of everything that had taken place with Cho that day.

"Wow, mate," Ron said, eyes growing wide. "Hermione, I'm so glad you're not that crazy."

"Thanks," Hermione said sarcastically, though she smiled.

"So…No girls, then?" Ron asked.

"Ron!" Hermione hissed, slapping his arm.

"Nope. I'm definitely…gay," he said, whispering the last word. He didn't want anyone overhearing that. He was almost tempted to bring up his run in with Malfoy, but he hadn't gotten the chance to tell Hermione or Ron about his…growing friendship with the boy. At least Harry thought he could call it that now.

"That's too bad, mate," Ron said. "Oh well. We're still with you." he added hastily in response to Hermione's glare. "We'll stick by you even if you like blokes…and even if you like the greasy git. Even if I don't understand it…I mean, he has crooked teeth, you know. And I bet his breath stinks. He doesn't look like he bathes, so I doubt he brushes his teeth, either. And his nose!"

"You know what they say about men with big noses," Hermione said suggestively, looking more amused than anything.

"Hermione!" Ron gasped.

Harry just grinned.

"Lay off Professor Snape, Ron. Harry likes him," Hermione said.

"No, Harry's just been sniffing too many Potions in that class," Ron corrected.

Harry rolled his eyes. Hermione's comments usually kept him at bay and kept him from getting too angry with Ron, but his best friend's constant complaints about the man were rubbing him the wrong way. They had been welcome the first few days, when he was still mad at the man, but now Harry was just getting offended every time Ron brought it up.

"Just drop it, Ron. It's not like it's going anywhere, anyway," Harry said and Hermione looked at him approvingly. Harry just frowned and tried to think of a new conversation to start. The last thing he needed to do was think about Snape right now…It hurt more and more these days.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**Author's Note: **Another chapter done! I hope everyone's enjoyed it. Now as we get towards the end of the events in the fifth book, a lot more will be happening in this fanfic. I'm actually pretty excited to write upcoming chapters and I really hope everyone will enjoy them!

Now, I've had a few comments on how long it's taking Snape and Harry to get together, and I promise this is a Snarry fanfic and they will get together at some point. I always had a bad habit of getting them together too fast in the past with fanfics, and wanted to try my hand and moving along their relationship more slowly, which is a big reason I chose to plan out the entire fanfic by chapter so I had something to guide me along. I do promise some good Snarry moments coming up soon, though any relationship might take a bit longer to get to. I do hope you all enjoy it, though, and stick with me to see them grow and get together.

Anyway, thank you everyone who is reading and reviewing and I hope you continue! The chapter title lyrics are from "The Kiss" by Karmina.


	22. It Only Breaks Into Pieces and Pieces

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_It Only Breaks into Pieces and Pieces_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Severus Snape was fuming. He could not remember the last time he had been so furious! He wasn't sure why he was so angry…Even in this heated state of rage, he couldn't allow himself to admit the truth. His black eyes were narrowed down at Potter as he sat up on the floor, shooting him just as nasty a look as Severus was giving him.

Ever since Severus had told Potter to move on and go out with people his own age, things had been tense between them. Severus kept lessons as professional as possible. He found it hard to maintain a perfectly controlled attitude, however. Since he couldn't very well act on particular feelings about the boy and was going out of his way to ignore and deny said thoughts and feelings, he was pushing himself in the opposite direction. He was getting frustrated with the boy over the smallest of things. They argued a good deal and grudgingly sat down to enjoy a civil conversation now and then for appearances for the Dark Lord. Everything was strained, though, and while Severus disliked it, he knew it needed to be done.

He had seen a memory of Potter asking Cho Chang to Hogsmeade Valentine's Day weekend and had kept back any irritation he felt over the matter. Now, though…Now he had just suffered through seeing the memory yet again, only now with the addition of that skank throwing herself all over him and then…and then making out with Draco later that day! He even caught glimpses of that kiss Cho Chang had given him before Christmas holidays several times. Then all those memories of Potter and Granger making out earlier this year…Every memory Severus had seen from Potter flew through his mind, making him all the more irritated. He shouldn't be this upset, he knew…But he might have sensed a bit of jealousy within himself and considering how prone to explosion he had been for the past few weeks…

"Do you think, Potter, that showing me all of your latest indiscretions is going to change anything?" Severus sneered.

"For the millionth time, Snape, I am not showing you these things on purpose! You're the one digging through my head, remember?" Potter spat.

"Watch your tone!"

"I'll watch my tone when you stop being such a prick."

"Twenty points from Gryffindor."

"Surprise, surprise."

"When will you ever stop being such an arrogant, foolish, temperamental boy?"

"Whenever you stop being a rude, greasy…erm…evil! Git!"

"Another twenty points, I think, Mr. Potter?"

"You think? You need to be more sure about it than that, Professor."

"You have become far too comfortable around here, Potter. Do you really think you're so special, to get away with talking to a professor in such a manner? What would all of your eager fans think?"

"This isn't about me being 'special', you prick! This is about me standing up for myself against a prat who thinks he has the right to treat everyone like dirt to make himself feel better!"

"This isn't treating someone like dirt, Potter, this is pulling you down from that pedestal you've grown so accustomed to and giving you a dose of what the real world is like for real people."

"Bullshit! You know I am not some…some Gilderoy Lockhart wanna-be! Things have been shittier than every for me all year because of what they've been saying about me…But it has never been easy and I have never enjoyed it and I have never let it go to my head and you know that! Maybe we don't know each other completely, but you know me well enough to know that and I know you well enough to know that you know that!"

"Don't assume you know what I know, Potter."

"What is your problem anyway? Huh? Because you've been right awful for the longest time now and I don't get it! We were getting along so well for a while there, but you had to go fuck it up and I don't get why!"

"Do you want to know why, Potter?" Severus demanded. "Because that is my job. Because the headmaster and the Dark Lord both wanted me to get close to you. The headmaster believes it would do us some good to get along, which only goes to show what ridiculously romantic notions you silly Gryffindors hold! It was nothing more than me following orders, Potter! Whatever possessed you to believe that I would ever actually get along with an insolent brat such as yourself?"

"If you were just following orders, how come you're not following them anymore?" Potter snapped back.

"Because you are an impossible whelp who refuses to make my job simple!"

"You want to know what I think?"

"The fact that you can think at all is very remarkable to me."

"I think you're scared."

Scared? Severus glowered dangerously at the boy, just daring him to say the wrong thing. "Excuse me?"

"You. Are. Scared. You're scared of getting close to anyone! More importantly, I think you're scared because you feel a bit more for me than you should. I saw your little dream, professor, don't forget that! And don't try to make any excuses for it, because they're pathetic! Every time you see my memories about you, you get mad! And now that you've seen me making out with different people, you're mad! I think…I think you're jealous!"

"Jealous?" Severus commanded, his heart racing in panic. He wasn't jealous, he told himself. He couldn't be.

"I don't know why…I really don't even know what to think about you right now…But whatever you feel for me is more than you're letting on. You're scared of it and you're jealous and…and it's stupid! Just get over it…get over yourself and stop punishing me!"

"I am not jealous, Potter…I know it's probably your deepest desire to have me want you the way you so clearly want me, but I do not. You are a boy," Severus snarled.

Harry's face was determined, though Severus noted the flash of uncertainty in his bright green eyes. "Yeah, I'm a 'boy'," Potter said bitterly. "And you're a grown man. It's 'disgusting' and 'wrong', right?" he asked. "Well, that's just too fucking bad. There's something here…It's the only thing that makes sense!"

"No, Potter…The only thing that makes sense is that you annoy me," Severus said coldly.

That uncertainty was back…and there was hurt. But there was still a strong determination deep within those emerald orbs, unwilling to let this go. He noticed the way the boy stood taller, how confident he was making himself be, only that look deep in his eyes betraying him. He was strong. Despite what must be logical thinking entering his mind, he wasn't willing to give up his ideas and part of Severus remained impressed, though he mostly felt frustration that the boy couldn't just leave it alone. Severus wasn't sure what the boy was going to do, half expecting him to pull out his wand or start yelling again.

Instead, the boy moved forward so quickly, Severus hardly had time to register what was happening. Potter's arms were around him, holding him close with a strength Severus was surprised by. The boy's lips were pressed against his, bruising roughness as he used as much force as possible, possibly only to keep Severus from moving away the best he could. Severus froze in the boy's grasp, his body stiff as the boy's lips moved against his, softening up a bit. His grip never loosened, almost as if he were afraid to let go. Severus just stood there, allowing him to do it. He was so angry he would probably kill the boy by shoving him away, Severus thought to himself. Part of him, though he would never admit it, was enjoying the feel of the boy against him, loving the feel of his lips against his own. For a few moments, Severus didn't think of anything, only reacting instinctively. The moment it even occurred to him, however, Severus pulled back the best he could and Potter reluctantly broke the kiss, green eyes glancing up at him, searching for something.

Severus glowered dangerously, using all of his energy to appear as furious as possible. "One hundred points from Gryffindor," Severus growled and yanked himself out of Potter's grasp before sweeping out of the room.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"Oh, good evening, Severus," Albus greeted as Severus barged into his office. He smiled, though his blue eyes looked wary. "How are Harry's lessons going?"

"He. Kissed. Me."

Albus raised his eyebrows. "He did what?"

"Don't play deaf! He kissed me!"

"Harry…kissed you?" Albus asked, seeming completely taken aback. The man seemed to know everything all of the time, so the fact that he found this hard to digest was almost laughable.

"Yes, he did!" Severus said, pacing in front of Albus's desk. "I can't teach him anymore, Albus. I can't," Severus said, his voice half pleading with the man to agree with him and to understand. Potter had gone too far tonight and it scared Severus. It scared Severus how much he wanted the boy. He was scared of how more confident of his feelings Potter was and how forward he was being. If Potter kept pushing…Severus was proud of his self control, but he couldn't risk losing it if Potter continued this. Potter was his student and Severus was not going to allow himself to become some pedophile. He was better than that. Potter was just a boy…He didn't know what love was…He probably barely knew what sex was. Potter didn't know what he wanted and Severus could not take advantage of that. He shouldn't even find a mere child so attractive. It was wrong. It was so very, horribly wrong.

"I…Of course, Severus," Albus said after a moment and Severus found he was surprised by the man's agreement. "I will arrange to find others to come in and help Harry with Defense and I'll try to get someone else in to help him with Occlumency…If it comes down to it, I might just do it myself."

"Th…Thank you, Albus," Severus said, clearing his throat and stopping, watching the old man rub his temples.

"If you feel comfortable enough, I do not object to him continuing your class or serving detention with you…I trust you, Severus. But if you would prefer, we can always arrange something else…Perhaps a Potions tutor or something? I am sure Miss Hermione Granger would be able to help-"

"I am perfectly capable of dealing with Potter in a crowded room, Albus," Severus assured the man. He wasn't necessarily happy about having Potter in his class, but he wasn't going to make things any harder on Albus…Besides, Potter needed to learn. Severus cared about the boy's education and he doubted anyone else would be so hard a teacher. They would all coddle him, just like everyone else did. He did poorly in Severus's class, but maybe the new turn of events would encourage him to do better? In the past few weeks, Severus had already noticed some improvement. He even started making passing grades. He was just barely scarping As, but it was better than Ps and the usual Ds and Ts. Severus secretly hoped he could get the boy up to Es and Os by the time OWLs rolled around. Potter needed all of the training he could get…Even if Severus could no longer help him in certain aspects of his learning.

"Very well," Albus said with a nod. "Perhaps I should have a talk with the boy?"

"Perhaps. No need to give him the impression he can go around snogging the next professor he decides to fancy," Severus said stiffly, hating that small wave of frustration and envy at the idea of Potter turning his attentions onto someone else. As inappropriate as the whole thing was, Severus would be lying if he said he wasn't somewhat flattered by Potter's attention. Even if it was mostly annoying.

Albus smiled sadly. "Very well. I will speak with him and inform him of the changes being made to his education."

"Thank you, Albus," Severus said, going on to decline offers of candy, cookies, and teas before leaving the office.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Harry paced the floor of Snape's office anxiously. Since the man left, it was all Harry could do. He had made to follow him at first, but barely got halfway down the corridor before turning and coming back here. He had lost Snape and for some reason couldn't bring himself to return to Gryffindor Tower. Instead he was determined to wait here for the man to return. He tried getting into the man's rooms, but the password had been changed, so he settled for pacing all through the office that was beginning to feel smaller and smaller by the moment.

What had he been thinking? It was the same thoughts and the same feels he had been tormented by after kissing Snape Christmas night. Maybe Snape was right, about how foolish he was and about the romantic notions Gryffindors held. He knew deep down that nothing could happen between himself and Snape. Everything about the situation was wrong. Just because Harry had feelings for the man, did not mean they were reciprocated, even if Snape was acting strangely. In fact, the thought of Snape actually desiring him, actually feeling jealous of him kissing other people, was laughable. The man was twenty years his senior, his teacher, a spy in this war, enemy of his father, and he probably didn't even like men. Was he just taking everything Snape did and putting meaning behind it because it would make him feel better? Because he did hope that that was what the situation was? That had to be it. He was fifteen years old…Boy was he stupid.

He was blushing furiously, finally convincing himself he needed to leave, when the door opened and Snape walked in. The man paused in the doorway, looking mildly surprised to see him there. "I suppose I shouldn't be too shocked, should I?" he asked dully, walking smoothly past Harry and sitting behind his desk.

"No, you shouldn't," Harry replied quietly, unable to quite look at the man's face. "Something about Gryffindor bravery."

"Gryffindor idiocy, is more like it."

Harry laughed quietly. He knew he should say something, but what? Apologize? Carry on like nothing ever happened? Resume their earlier fight? He considered the latter with a smirk.

"Potter…The headmaster has agreed that it is no longer wise for me to teach you," Snape said after a moment. "You still stay in my Potions class, but he will attempt to locate new teachers to help you with your Defense and Occlumency."

"What?" Harry demanded. "But…He wanted you to teach me for a reason!"

"That reason no longer matters," Snape said coolly.

"But-"

"No buts, Potter!" Snape snapped. "You went too far! It is not…I do not wish to continue teaching you when all you're going to do is throw yourself at me! You are making no progress in Occlumency whatsoever. There is no point to it, Potter, and I will not subject myself to your little schoolboy crush because it is what you desire!"

"Please…sir…" Harry began desperately. He did not want to stop his lessons with Snape. He needed them, didn't he? The thought of not seeing the man every night made his stomach drop and there was a strangely sad and empty feeling in his heart. "I'm sorry…I…I shouldn't have kissed you…I'm sorry! Don't-"

"It's too late!" Snape snarled. "Get out, Potter!"

"But-"

"I said get out, Potter! Do not make me ask you again!"

Harry stood there for a moment, staring at the Potions master who glowered dangerously at him. He wanted to say more, to fight and beg to stay. He had nothing, though, and reluctantly he closed his mouth and turned, stumbling out of the room with his heart in his throat. He felt like he might be sick and he cringed as the door slammed shut loudly behind him without his doing.

"You kissed him?"

Harry looked up, unsurprised to see Malfoy leaning back against the wall in front of Snape's office. Harry felt his face flame up again in embarrassment. "Yeah…I did," he sighed, feeling more stupid than he ever had.

Malfoy tsked and shook his head. "He was right. You do need to find someone else to focus on."

"Guess so," Harry muttered, not wanting to bring up that he didn't want anyone else and he didn't want to want anyone else. How had he become so entangled in this man? "Doesn't want me taking lessons from him anymore. Dumbledore agreed."

"Well, that makes sense," Malfoy snorted.

"Yeah," Harry said, swallowing hard. It made perfect sense. What didn't make perfect sense was what Harry had done…He had bloody well fucked it all up, hadn't he? "Night, Malfoy."

"Wait," Malfoy said as Harry turned to leave. "You look like you could use a drink."

Harry's laugh was dull and empty. "Probably."

"C'mon, then. I smuggled a few things in when I came back from holiday," Malfoy said, jerking his head in the direction of the staircase Harry had been headed towards anyway. Harry was tired and felt that maybe going to bed would have been a better idea, but Malfoy had brought up drinking and in Harry's current state, it didn't seem like the worst idea in the world to feel a bit better. They climbed up to the fifth floor and Malfoy headed to the door that Harry knew to be the prefect's bathroom. "Cool breeze," Malfoy said, giving the password loudly enough for Harry to hear it. Harry knew he must have done so on purpose when he turned to offer Harry a smirk and a wink before disappearing into the bathroom. Harry slowly followed, taking his time to look around the place. He remembered being in here last year…Cedric had given him the password and everything to help him figure out a clue for the TriWizard Tournament. He could almost hear the loud wailing from the egg echoing off of the walls as it had that night he had sneaked in here.

"I figured this was a safe place to hide it," Malfoy explained, walking up to Harry carrying a few different bottles. "S'not like the Heads of House are always checking our things for alcohol, but it never hurt to keep it safe. Doubt they'd suspect their dear, 'responsible' prefects to be hanging around here drinking," Malfoy explained. He uncapped one of the bottles and dropped the lid to the floor, shifting the bottles under one arm while he waved his wand and transfigured the cap into a small, green and silver couch. Malfoy sat down gracefully on one end and patted the seat beside him. Harry shuffled over and took his seat. It wasn't all that comfortable, but Harry didn't care much…It was more impressive than he could have done with a bottle cap.

"Prefects get drunk a lot in here?" Harry asked curiously. He had never heard Ron or Hermione mentioning anything about secret prefect parties or anything of that nature.

Malfoy shrugged. "It's not exactly a daily thing, but it's been known to happen," he explained. "Pansy and I have a few times…Walked in on a few Ravenclaw prefects having a small party in here a few weeks back. Ooh the things I've walked in on…The secret lives of the Hogwarts prefects," Malfoy sniggered.

"I'm guessing Ron and Hermione don't know about this," Harry said with a grin. He could only imagine the reactions of his best friends. Ron would be upset over not knowing this "special privilege" of being a prefect and be excited to try to get in on the action. Hermione, meanwhile, would be horrified and would probably try to put an end to all the good fun.

"Let's hope Granger never finds out about this," Malfoy said, giving Harry a hard look. Harry just laughed.

"I won't say anything, I promise," he said, taking a large bottle that Malfoy handed him.

Malfoy nodded. "Firewhiskey," he explained.

Harry nodded and took the bottle, bringing it to his lips and taking his first drink. It burned the moment it hit his tongue and he quickly swallowed it. A hot sensation trailed down his throat and into his stomach and he coughed a moment, to Malfoy's amusement. The other boy slapped him on the back a few times before he felt better, though his throat felt scratchy and uncomfortable.

"You'll get used to it," Malfoy assured him, taking a drink from his own bottle.

The two drank in silence for several long moments, each lost in their own thoughts. Harry found himself plagued by that heavy disappointment that came along with resigning himself to accepting certain truths he didn't want to face. Nothing would ever happen with Snape…He had always known in logically, but apparently some other part of him hadn't fully accepted it. It was just a crush, he reminded himself, and he would get over it eventually. Somehow, though, this felt strong…This hurt. He felt as though something very important had been ripped away from him, that despair and hopelessness almost the same feeling one got being around Dementors, though perhaps not nearly so intense and soul-sucking.

Maybe this was for the best, he thought gloomily. Maybe he didn't need to jump Terry Boot, but he did need to move on and focus on someone more attainable. He kept thinking about Snape…and everything that had happened and everything he had said. Snape wasn't quite the nasty bastard everyone thought he was…at least not strictly so. Harry had seen a different side to him, had learned more about him…But none of it mattered. Snape was right to push him away…Right to do all of this. He was trying to protect him…Spare him from any more pain that letting him carry on might have brought. He didn't know for a fact, but it was the theory that made him feel the best about the situation.

"So. How was snogging Pansy?" Harry asked after a while.

"Hmmm?" Malfoy said, lowering his bottle. "Oh. She was pretty great, actually. She's attractive and all…If only she didn't get on my nerves so much."

Harry smiled and took another drink of his firewhiskey. "Snog anyone else since then?"

"Daphne Greengrass…Not very experienced, but not bad. Less annoying than Pansy," Malfoy chuckled. "Got to third base with Tracey Davis."

"How was that?"

"Best Valentine's Day of my life," Malfoy said with a fond grin.

Harry choked on his firewhiskey. "This was all the same day?"

"Of course it was," Malfoy replied slyly. "It was Valentine's Day. I had to spread the love, didn't I?"

"Of course," Harry chuckled in amusement, taking a more calm drink of firewhiskey.

"How was kissing my godfather?" Malfoy asked after a moment, a bare trace of uncertainty in his otherwise sly and confident tone.

"He didn't kiss me back, but he let me for a little bit…I've never felt anything like it," he muttered to himself, gulping down more alcohol eagerly.

"You really have fallen for him, haven't you?" Malfoy asked sympathetically.

"Guess so," Harry mumbled bitterly.

Malfoy nodded and was quiet for a moment before continuing. "No offense to my godfather, but…I have to ask…Why? He pretty much goes out of his way to make sure people hate him."

Harry smiled sadly. "I got to see more than that. He doesn't trust people…He's smart. He's smart about people and…very intelligent…Very talented with all sorts of magic. He's powerful. He's…brave. He's strong…He understands…what it was like…We had similar childhoods, I guess…And he never overestimates me. He doesn't see in me or expect from me what everyone else does. And when he lets himself…When he's not too busy worrying about everything…I can talk to him. I enjoyed our conversations. I enjoyed being near him. I felt safe and comfortable and…calm…calm in this insanity all around me," he muttered. The question forced Harry to recognize what it was he loved about the man and somehow it made it harder and made it hurt worse. He gulped down more firewhiskey, hoping it would wash away the pain.

"It is such a shame the first person to really see all of that had to be a fifteen year old boy," Malfoy said teasingly after a moment. "Then again, it's not like he trusts anyone, anyway."

"How bad do you think the hangover will be?" Harry asked, not wanting to talk about Snape anymore. His heart was twisting and ripping open and screaming out, begging for something it could never have. It was starting to spread…An awful pain that seeped into every bit of him, as if wanting to consume him entirely.

Malfoy seemed to understand.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**Author's Note:** First off, thank you for everyone who reviewed! I love getting feedback and it's nice to know that everyone's enjoying the story so far!

A bit of good news! I have finished my planning for the story and I now know that this fanfic will be 95 chapters long. It covers the events of Order of the Phoenix, Half Blood Prince, and Deathly Hallows and follows some entirely while others will be changed somewhat. I am very excited for what is to come in this story and I hope all of my readers enjoy it as much as I do and stick by me to see it through!

Please review!

Chapter title lyrics from "The Deep End" by Crossfade. Big thanks to Carry My Soul Into the Night for the suggestion! I really love that people have been giving me music suggestions...I love music and I love listening to new things and having more options for chapter titles. Thanks a ton!


	23. Will They Find Our Hiding Place

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Will They Find Our Hiding Place_

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"Potter, I don't know if this is a good idea."

Harry rolled his eyes and kept walking. "Then go back to the dungeons, then, Malfoy. No one's stopping you," he assured the other boy. Malfoy had been so uncertain about the whole thing since Harry had invited him to come along to one of the D.A. meetings. It had been the night he and Malfoy had gotten drunk in the prefect's bathroom a week and a half ago and the next time they had been able to hang out, Malfoy had brought it up again. Harry didn't see the problem with inviting Malfoy along…He still wasn't too sure if he could call the boy his friend, but he thought he could at least trust the boy with this.

Despite his concerns, Malfoy kept walking alongside Harry, though he was tense and kept glowering at the floor and the walls around them. Harry supposed he couldn't blame him for being nervous, if that was it. Harry himself knew there would be a bit of questioning from the other members of the D.A. about it…Malfoy hadn't exactly been great to many people and he doubted many of them would trust a Malfoy, especially since Harry had outed Lucius Malfoy as a Death Eater in his interview in The Quibbler. Where Malfoy might be ashamed to have the world know he was friends with Harry Potter, Harry was determined not to be like that. Like in the case with Snape, he had seen a bit more to the boy…And while Malfoy wasn't nearly as strong and brave as Severus Snape, Malfoy also wasn't an entirely evil git like most might assume.

The Room of Requirement was empty when they arrived, which was somewhat comforting. Draco sat down on a fluffy green pillow while Harry went over his lesson plans, the Room adjusting where it needed to, easily accommodating to Harry's ideas. Malfoy didn't say much, which was unlike him. Even if he wasn't being mean, he normally had sarcastic or joking remarks to make about things. He simply sat there, trying to look tall and intimidating, though it seemed he couldn't quite get that fear and concern out of his eyes.

"Oi! Harry! There you are…we were wondering…" said a familiar voice as the door busted open. Ron barged in with Hermione on his heels, her nose buried in a book as she walked. She ran straight into Ron as he stopped just inside of the room, staring at Malfoy. Harry glanced up from his parchment of notes and forced himself to smile at his best friend who looked horrified. Malfoy sat taller and smirked and Harry refrained from rolling his eyes. After having run into her boyfriend, Hermione scowled at him and it took her a moment before she noticed Malfoy. She sent a sharp, questioning look to Harry while Ron spoke. "Erm, Harry?"

"Yes, Ron?"

"Umm…I don't know how to tell you this, but…Malfoy's here," Ron said, glaring at Malfoy.

"Yes, I know. I invited him," Harry said, voice much more confident than he actually felt.

Hermione looked surprised and opened her mouth, but Ron spoke again before she had the chance. "Oh, okay, are we practicing on him then?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "No, Ron. He's here to join the D.A."

"What?" Ron demanded. Apparently capturing Malfoy and using him as target practice made more sense. Harry only wondered who else might assume the same when they came in.

"Umm….Harry…" Hermione began.

"No," Harry cut her off. "Mal-Draco is my friend and I trust him and I say he can join us," Harry said. He figured using Malfoy's given name and calling him a friend might make his case stronger, though he couldn't help but wonder what Malfoy…or rather Draco…thought of it. Draco made no comment, though, and instead looked rather smug as he watched Ron and Hermione. Ron looked almost offended while Hermione was merely confused.

"Harry-" Hermione began.

The door opened, though, and Ginny walked in with Neville and Luna. "Malfoy?" Neville gasped.

"What will we be doing to him, Harry?" Ginny asked.

"We're practicing on Slytherins, Harry?" Luna asked.

"Good plan, Potter," Draco said, smirking. "I mean, Harry."

The Gryffindors all blanched as Draco used Harry's name. Harry tried not to laugh.

"Am I missing something?" Ginny asked.

"I think we all are," Neville said.

"I'll explain once everyone gets here," Harry sighed.

Draco stood up and stood beside Harry at the front of the room while Ron, Hermione, Neville, Ginny, and Luna took a seat, still eying Draco with distaste and mistrust. The others began trickling in, though not all were as vocal with their thoughts. Lavender, Parvati, and Padma entered and immediately fell into close faces and loud whispers. Cho Chang came in with Marietta Edgecomb, though they seemed more interested in Harry than anything, only sending a few curious glances in Draco's direction. A few who walked in looked like they might say something, but with so many people already there and Harry standing tall and unconcerned next to Draco Malfoy, most kept quiet, though all were looking curiously between the boys. Fred and George were happy to make plenty of jokes about Harry Polyjuicing some poor bloke to look like Malfoy or, like the others, suggesting he had kidnapped the Slytherin to use as practice.

Finally, when everyone was accounted for, Harry began speaking. "Erm…Hello," he said a bit nervously, ignoring the snort Draco gave. "I'm sure you're all wondering why M-Draco's here," Harry said. Several people either nodded or muttered things like "Yes!" or "Finally" or "You better have a good explanation for this." Harry swallowed and forced himself to stand tall as he continued with a bit more confidence. "I am aware that…You may all dislike or not trust Draco, but…he's my friend now and I trust him. You don't have to like it, but I expect you all to be just as nice and respectful to him as you are to everyone else. I don't want anyone trying anything funny."

"But Harry! He's a Slytherin!"

"He's Malfoy!"

"He gave me detention yesterday!"

"To be fair, that one was actually deserved," Draco replied and the speaker, Lavender Brown, was blushing furiously.

"Yeah, that one," Hermione muttered. She was always complaining about how Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson abused their power as prefects, which Harry had to admit was true. He had never really done anything really evil, though.

"This isn't up for debate," Harry said irritably. "You can go if you want to, but Draco is staying."

There was muttering and a lot of shuffling around, though no one got up and left. Harry felt comfortable enough to start the lesson, though Draco didn't look too happy about having to join his classmates. The people he sat near scooted away a bit, but Draco paid them no mind. In fact, he took the whole thing very seriously when Harry explained that he would be teaching them about Patronuses today and explained the theory behind it before having them stand and start to practice. Harry walked around the room, coaching them all through it, telling them to conjure up a powerful, happy memory. Everyone was excited to learn this particular thing, though Harry felt the need to reaffirm the fact that producing Patronuses here, in the safety of this brightly lit room full of peers, was different than actually being out in the world under a very real threat, confronted by something like a dementor.

"Oh, don't be such a killjoy!" Cho said brightly, watching her swan-shaped Patronus saor around the room. "They're so pretty!"

She seemed to have gotten over their awful Valentine's Day date, after a small bit of awkwardness, though Harry still felt weird around her. "They're not supposed to be pretty," Harry told her. "They're supposed to protect you. What we really need is a boggart or something; that's how I learned. I had to conjure a Patronus while the boggart was pretending to be a dementor."

"But that would be really scary!" Lavender said, only puffs of silver vapor shooting out of her wand. "And I still-can't-do it!" she added angrily.

Neville also seemed to be having a great deal of trouble near her, her face screwed up in concentration and like Lavender, only had bits of silver mist flowing from the tip of his wand. A few others were having the same trouble, but to his pleasure a great deal of them were steadily producing proper Patronuses.

"You've got to think of something really happy," Harry reminded him.

I'm trying," Neville said miserably, who was trying so hard his face was actually shining with sweat.

"Harry, I think I'm doing it!" yelled Seamus, who was attending his very first D.A. meeting with Dean. "Look-ah-it's gone….But it was definitely something hairy, Harry!"

Hermione's Patronus, a shining silver otter, was gamboling around her. "They are sort of nice, aren't they?" she said, looking at it fondly.

Harry grinned at her and looked around to see who else had managed one. He congratulated those who had managed and encouraged those who hadn't yet. At last he found Draco standing off by himself, watching his silver eagle soaring around overhead, looking awed by it. "I'm sort of surprised I managed it," he said quietly, though he continued watching his Patronus fly around.

Harry didn't ask why. Maybe he worried about having too many bad or sad memories to successfully produce one. That very fear was what kept Harry from showing his off to the class. He had been feeling a bit down since his last unpleasant encounter with Snape and the man's continued cold treatment of him. It wasn't like he actually needed to produce one right now, he comforted himself by thinking. "You did great," Harry assured him, glancing up at the eagle, as well, and half wanting to ask what happy memory had created it.

The door of the Room of Requirement opened and closed again. Harry looked around to see who had entered, but there did not seem to be anybody there…Maybe someone had left? Harry was glancing over the faces, trying to see if anyone new had joined them or if anyone was missing from the crowd of people. It was a few moments before he realized something was tugging at his robes near the knee. He looked down and saw, to his astonishment, Dobby the house-elf peering up at him from beneath eight of the hats Hermione had been knitting for the school house elves.

"Hi Dobby! What are you-what's wrong?"

Dobby's eyes were wide with terror and he was shaking. Everybody in the room had stopped and were now watching Dobby, their Patronuses fading away. The room seemed much darker and colder now.

"Harry Potter, sir…" squeaked the house-elf. "Harry Potter, sir…Dobby had come to warn you…but the house-elves have warned not to tell…"

He ran headfirst into the wall: Harry, who had some experience of Dobby's habits of self-punishment, ran forward to grab him, holding the small elf against him as he shook. "What happened, Dobby?"

"Harry Potter…she….she….she…"

Dobby continued to try to struggle against Harry to hurt himself, and he was hard to hold. Draco hesitantly stepped forward, grabbing the elf's legs to hold him still, making it a bit easier on Harry to hold him. "Who is she, Dobby?" he asked, though a second later a new thought occurred to him. "Wait…Umbridge?"

Dobby nodded and continued his struggle, trying to find new ways of hurting himself. "Merlin…fucking ridiculous," Draco muttered under his breath, still struggling with the elf's lower half.

"What about her? Dobby…she hasn't found out about this…about us? Has she?" Harry watched the house-elf, the answer written all over his stricken face. Gasps sounded throughout the room and quiet mutterings. "Is she coming?"

"Yes, Harry Potter, yes!" Dobby cried.

Harry straightened up and looked around at the frozen, now silent, terrified crowed of people, gazing at Dobby.

"WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? RUN!" Harry bellowed.

Immediately everyone began running, heading out of the exit and spilling into the halls. Harry could hear them sprinting along the corridors and hoped they had the sense not to try and make it all the way to their dormitories. It was only ten to nine, if they just took refuge in the library or the Owlery, which were both nearer. Maybe even ducking into one of the lavatories.

"Harry, come on!" Hermione shrieked from the center of the crowd.

He scooped up Dobby, freeing Draco to run with the rest of the crowd and leaving Dobby to struggle to hurt himself more easily, the suddenness of it shocking Harry so that Dobby managed to punch himself a few times, his elbow jabbing into his chest or arms in the process. "Dobby-this is an order-get back down to the kitchen with the other elves and if she asks whether you warned me, lie and say no!" Harry said. "And I forbid you to hurt yourself!" he added, dropping the elf as he made his way to the door at last, slamming it shut behind him.

"Thank you, Harry Potter!" squeaked Dobby and he streaked off. Harry glanced all around him and the others were moving so fast all he really saw were streaks of color as they moved, vanishing around corners and behind doors. He started to run right…There was a boy's bathroom up ahead and he could pretend he had been in there the entire time!

"AAARGH!"

Something caught him around the ankles and he fell spectacularly, skidding along his front for six feet or so before coming to a halt. His ribs and stomach ached and he cringed, rolling over onto his back as he heard someone laughing. He glowered as Blaise Zabini stepped out in front of him. "Trip Jinx, Potter!" the Slytherin said proudly. "Hey, Professor-PROFESSOR! I've got one!"

Umbridge came running around the far corner, breathless but grinning ecstatically. "It's him!" she said happily. "Excellent, Blaise, excellent! Wonderful! Fifty points to Slytherin! I'll take him from here! Stand up, if you please, Potter!"

Harry got to his feet, glaring between them. He had never seen Umbridge look so happy…It was disgusting! He was a bit surprised to see Draco coming up from one end, looking stunned for a moment and the boy swallowed hard, his silver-gray eyes growing wide before placing a finger to his lips and Harry remained silent, watching the boy come up to them. All of his concern faded into a cool mask and that arrogant smirk he had known for so long came into play. "Hello, Professor…Blaise."

"Oh, we were looking for you earlier, Draco!" Umbridge said.

"I apologize, Professor. I had an urgent letter from my father I had to reply to at once," he said with a frown. "What is this?"

"Oh I shall let Blaise here catch you up! I need to bring Potter to the headmaster's office," Umbridge said and several more Slytherins came up to the group. Umbridge hastily gave them orders to check bathrooms and the library for any student out of breath and doted on Blaise a bit more before turning to Harry and commanding that he follow her.

They were at the stone gargoyle within minutes and Harry wondered how many others had been caught or would be caught. Ron…His mother would kill him! Then Hermione…She would die if she was expelled before she could take her OWLs. It had been Seamus's first meeting…and Neville had been getting so good…Then he wondered what Draco would find out and couldn't help the sinking feeling in his stomach as he considered that Draco might have had something to do with this.

Umbridge sang the password happily and led him up the stairs to the headmaster's office, holding tightly onto Harry's arm. The office was full of people, to Harry's surprise. Dumbledore was sitting behind his desk, his expression serene and the tips of his long fingers together. Professor McGonagall stood rigidly beside him, her face tight as she seemed to struggle not to glare at everyone in the room. Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic, was moving eagerly in place by the fire. The Auror Kingsley Shackelbolt was with a smaller man on either side of the door, looking like guards. Lastly Harry noted Ron's awful older brother Percy Weasley, looking excited as he stood by the wall with a parchment and quill in hand.

The Minister was glaring at him with a sort of vicious satisfaction, a nasty and vile look of pleasure only matched by that awful, wild grin Umbridge was wearing. Harry swallowed hard and glared at them both, a bad feeling swarming over him. Whatever this was…It was not going to be good.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

It felt like an eternity before Harry entered the Gryffindor Tower again, feeling dazed and confused as Professor McGonagall left him there, muttering under her breath. Almost immediately the common room was roaring, members of the D.A. on him.

"Where've you been?" Hermione demanded anxiously.

"You okay, mate?" Ron asked.

"I knew Malfoy was good for nothing! I knew it!" Seamus was exclaiming.

"I can't believe you trusted him, Harry!" Lavender said.

"What were you thinking?" Angelina demanded.

"I'm going to give Malfoy my worst Bat-Bogey Hex the next time I see him!" Ginny exclaimed, her face red as her hair.

"Now everything's ruined!" Neville groaned.

"Everyone shut up!" Hermione snapped, though everyone continued muttering and Harry felt awful.

"This isn't Draco's fault," Harry explained defensively.

"I can't believe you're sticking up for him!" Ginny snarled.

"Who else would have done it?" Dean demanded.

"Don't be dense, Harry!" Seamus said.

"Well since I'm the one they caught, I think I might know more about this than any of you!" Harry snapped, eying the others in the common room. "If you'd all hush up, maybe I can tell you a thing or two."

It took a few minutes, but Ron and Hermione the prefects managed to get anyone not in the D.A. up to their dorms or out to the library and the Gryffindor members of the D.A. all sat around with Harry standing by the fire, trying to ignore their glowers.

"Now," Harry said, "it wasn't Draco who tattled on us. Marietta Edgecombe did. She had a nice message written on her face. Nicely done, Hermione."

Hermione smiled and blushed a bit. "So…You saw her then?"

"What happened?" Ron asked.

"She has the word SNEAK written across her face," Harry explained.

"It was a jinx I placed on the parchment to…ahh…be sure of things," Hermione admitted, causing another uproar for a few moments, many people upset that Hermione had done such a thing without telling them. "Well it shouldn't matter if you have no intentions of ratting us out!" Hermione said fiercely, her face now bright red.

"This isn't about that," Harry said impatiently. "The fact is is that I saw proof that it was her."

"I saw him roaming the halls with Zabini, though!" Pavarti declared.

"Yes, I know," Harry told her. "He was caught…Umbridge seems to trust the Slytherins so he's using that to our advantage. I'm sure he'll be able to tell me what happened tomorrow."

"I still don't trust him," Ginny declared, and many people were in agreement.

"Anyway" Harry interrupted, getting irritated with the group. "There's more to it than that," he said and that was enough to get them to be quiet. "She took me to Dumbledore's office. The Minister of Magic was there-" Harry explained, causing gasps of horror to erupt from the group, "-two Aurors…Shackelbolt and Dawlish…Erm…Percy Weasley," he said and Ron looked disgusted. "That awful prat!" Ron exclaimed before Harry went on. "Them Dumbledore and McGonagall…They brought Marietta in later. Anyway, they asked me if I had broken any rules and I told them no. Figured it was better to lie. Anyway, they brought her in but she couldn't say anything so Umbridge just went on with it. They knew about our meeting at the Hog's Head…Someone who was in the bar had told them. That's why that educational decree came out, obviously.

"Then Umbridge started pestering Marietta again, told her to nod or shake her head to answer her but Marietta denied everything. Then Umbridge said she had sent Pansy Parkinson into the Room of Requirement and…and she found the list…the list of our names. Then Dumbledore took all the credit for it, since we called ourselves Dumbledore's Army. Admitted to be plotting against Fudge and everything. They tried to arrest him, but Dumbledore hexed them all and they were out of it…and…he's gone. Dumbledore's gone."

Everyone was silent, staring at Harry in shock and horror. Harry could feel that hopelessness settling upon them. Voldemort was back and the Ministry wasn't acknowledging it…Now Dumbledore, the greatest wizard alive, was gone from their school. They were being left with that awful hag, Umbridge…Harry felt bitter and ashamed, as though the entire thing was his fault. Why had they named it Dumbledore's Army? Maybe Dumbledore would still be here if he hadn't let them go with that name. Why had he let that girl in? Marietta Edgecombe. She never seemed happy there, he should have known she would do something like this. He should have done something to prevent this…

"Well…It's not stopping us, is it, Harry?" Neville asked timidly.

Harry wasn't sure what he meant until Hermione spoke. "I don't see how we can, Neville. Umbridge knows about us now! And with Dumbledore gone…I'm sure she'll be cracking down on us harder than ever."

Harry was quiet for a moment, looking over the frowning faces of his peers. "We can't just give up," Harry said quietly. Hermione was right, of course…It would be more risky than ever to continue, but they couldn't just let it go. "We'll have to be careful…I don't know how we'll do it…But we'll figure something out."

"Good man, Harry!" Seamus said happily.

"We'll make Dumbledore proud!" announced Neville.

"I don't think this is a good idea, Harry," Hermione said quietly.

"Oh, hush, Hermione!" Ginny fussed. "We need this."

They did need this. In a world with a government in denial and their school run by a madwoman, they all needed something. At the very least, the D.A. could provide some hope, some refuge in the awful place Hogwarts was sure to become without their leader. And in a world where the Darkest wizard of all time was loose and being ignored, they all needed the protection they could get. Harry wasn't giving up on them and swore to himself he would do whatever he could to keep the D.A. alive.

And he made one last promise. No matter how painful it would be to face the man with his behavior of late…No matter how torturous it would be facing him, with all of his hope destroyed…No matter what Severus Snape said, Harry was going to fight to resume his lessons. It would be more difficult without Dumbledore, but the absence of the great wizard was exactly why he needed this. Snape was the only one who could help Harry and Harry knew he needed all of the help he could get. While the others began whispering, trying to make plans for the D.A., Harry mentally prepared himself for tomorrow…Because tomorrow he was going to do everything in his power to make things up to Snape and get the man to teach him once more. It was what Dumbledore had wanted all along and none of Harry's hopes or desires meant anything when it came to preparing for fighting Voldemort. It was the very least he owed the man for what he had done, to continue the lessons he had been so adamant Harry take.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**Author's Note:** Okay, so not the best chapter ever, but I hope everyone can see how important it is. It is a very important chapter to have so I hope no one's disappointed with it lol. Anyway, for those anxious readers out there, I promise the next chapter will include Snape and I can guarantee a good Snarry moment coming up soon! Only six more chapters left of fifth year!

Thank you so much everyone who has reviewed, and I would love to say a special thanks to Carry My Soul Into the Night and Saisei, who have been such loyal readers and reviewers and I really appreciate you both! Every review I get makes me so happy and it so encouraging when it comes to updating and it makes writing this story worth it to know that people care about it!

Keep reviewing! Chapter title lyrics from "Resistance" by Muse.


	24. Save Your Breath, It's Far From Over

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Save Your Breath, It's Far From Over_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"Gone! Dumbledore is gone!"

Severus stood on the sidelines, watching as foolish, younger Death Eaters celebrated the leave of Albus Dumbledore. They stood in an old, dark home of the Lestrange's latest murder victims. Many Death Eaters had been released from Azkaban some time back and this was the first meeting since their release. Severus could not say he was pleased by the return of Bellatrix, Rodolphus, Rabastan, Amycus, Alecto, or any of the others, but they at the very least hadn't done too much harm yet. Bellatrix was among those celebrating, sending her seductive looks towards the Dark Lord and lavishing him with many congratulations and compliments. If she wasn't practically throwing herself at their lord, she would send glares in his direction now and again and Severus was only counting down the moments before she tried pestering him or dirtying his name to the Dark Lord. She had never liked him and the feeling had always been quite mutual.

"Gone, but not dead," the Dark Lord said after a moment, echoing thoughts Severus had been entertaining all night. He did not want Albus dead, but he didn't see any reason any of them should celebrate until he was.

"But he is gone from Hogwarts, my lord," Rabastan pointed out.

"The school must be considerably weaker with him gone," Azrael Avery added.

"Yes," the Dark Lord said. "This is very good…There are other things, however…More important things to worry about. Let us not forget that while Dumbledore might be gone, he may only have all the more time to dedicate to the Order. We must act quickly…We cannot afford any more time to be wasted. I will not have any more failures."

This sobered up a good number of people and silence fell among the group for the first time since they arrived. All eyes were on him and the Dark Lord smirked, pleased by the attention and by the more serious expressions he saw. "Now…Severus."

His expression was set, as serious as ever, hiding all traces of dread he felt. He had a bad feeling he knew what was coming. Still, he marched forward obediently and bowed for his "master." He could feel the Dark Lord probing into his mind, not even asking questions. Severus offered up the memory he was supposed to show the Dark Lord, before Dumbledore's leave ruined everything. Severus obviously needed a reason to cut off his ties with Potter and while he hid every memory of the true reason, he pushed forward the memory he and Albus had staged. A meeting in his office…Albus accusing Severus of all sorts of perversions before refusing to allow Severus be alone with the boy until he knew all of the facts. Albus was suspicious, though he didn't know anything…It was the best excuse Albus could come up with, though they knew allowing the Dark Lord to think Albus suspected anything could result in a less favorable response. Though it would work out in the end.

"Crucio!"

Severus hissed in pain as every muscle in his body burned, pain rippling through every inch of him. When it left suddenly, he found he had dropped to his knees. He breathed raggedly and struggled to his feet, hating the quiet laughter he heard behind him.

"I do not like that Dumbledore is suspicious of you," the Dark Lord said. "Be sure to…ahh…ease his troubled mind. I cannot afford to lose a valuable a spy as you are, Severus. Though…now that Dumbledore is gone, I see no reason for you to stay away from Harry Potter. Try to remain in the old man's good graces and resume your previous relationship with the boy."

Shit. He knew it was coming, but that didn't mean he liked it. He had tried on many occasions to wiggle his way out of this forced friendship with Potter, and he had come so close to success before this. Damn Potter and damn Albus. He did not need to be around that boy! He had been feeling more and more comfortable, more and more confident in himself the less alone time he had to spend with the brat. He felt more in control of himself. He didn't loathe himself nearly as much. Somehow the Potter boy was getting to him and ruining him and doing something to his mind. Even as a potions master he hadn't entirely ruled out the brat poisoning him or something. He had finally, for a while there, felt free of whatever spell it was Potter was holding over him, but now he had to return to that state of feeling…feeling something entirely inappropriate for the Gryffindor.

"Of course, my lord."

"Very good," the Dark Lord said, that sick smirk on his face again.

"My lord…You should have dear Severus rape the boy…I'm sure he'd enjoy that much more," Bellatrix said with a grin, louder laughter erupting from the group of Death Eaters. Even the Dark Lord chuckled quietly. His sexuality was no secret among this group, and was something they enjoyed using against him almost as much as they enjoyed using his half blood status against him. They called him every name in the book, making him disgusted by his sexuality for the longest time, though in all honesty he no longer cared. The Wizarding world had very old-fashioned beliefs, especially among such traditionalists as the purebloods. Severus only smiled politely and looked around at them, biting his tongue when his eyes came upon Lucius, laughing along with the rest of them, though pain and fear were clear in his gray eyes.

"Oh, Bellatrix…I think Harry Potter might enjoy it just as much," the Dark Lord said suggestively and she gasped along with a few others who hadn't' been there for that particular revelation.

"Potter's one of them?" Bellatrix asked in half disgust and amusement.

"Potter the poof," snorted Rodolphus.

"Quite," the Dark Lord said. "Perhaps you could do something on that front, as well, Severus…Without Dumbledore there. As long as you are careful, of course."

Severus was beginning to realize there were worse forms of torture than the Cruciatus Curse. Severus felt sick to his stomach at the implications of raping the boy, but actually seducing him didn't make him feel much better. Of course, the Dark Lord understood that he could not guarantee such a thing, on the off chance someone did find out and reported it to Dumbledore…Or even that alone could land him in Azkaban. Surely Severus could excuse himself from that particular order.

"Shag him silly!" called Rabastan.

"Show him a good time, Sevy!" sang Alecto Carrow.

"Take some pictures, will ya? Send 'em in to the Prophet and see how they like their hero now!" chortled Abbadon Avery.

They all had a good laugh over it and Severus stood there and took it with his same polite smile, nodding to the Dark Lord before rejoining the crowd, letting him hush the crowd up and continue with business as usual, though he only smiled in amusement with every quiet comment anyone dared make along with silent laughter. Severus wasn't worried about it…He wasn't going to go there.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Of course, Severus had barely returned to his rooms that night before receiving a message from Albus via Fawkes. The phoenix was in his rooms, dropping a letter onto the coffee table before vanishing when Severus arrived. He frowned as he picked it up, glancing over the words, feeling more and more trapped as he read, clutching the parchment in his hands.

_Dear Severus,_

_I am aware of certain issues you may have with Harry Potter, but we cannot let such things get in the way at a time such as this. It is of great importance that you continue teaching Harry. I offer my deepest apologies my friend, but since I am not there, he needs someone. Please look after him and make sure he takes his lessons very seriously. I am sure that with all of this he may finally grasp how vital it is that he continue learning and do his best to master such an ability. I have every bit of faith in you, my friend._

_Yours truly,_

_Albus Dumbledore_

The old fool didn't even let Fawkes stay to take a reply. That, more than anything, secured Severus in his role. As usual when it came to Potter, he was forced into being near the brat from both ends. Crumpling up the parchment, Severus tossed it into the fire before sinking down into his chair and summoning a bottle of his best brandy.

Perhaps this time away had cured him of whatever disease had put such feelings and thoughts into him about Potter. Surely that was all that it was…Affects of some poison or spell or simply a disease that messed with his mind. And perhaps Potter had cooled off by now and had focused his unwanted attentions elsewhere. He could only hope Albus was right and that Potter would take his lessons more seriously, though Severus somehow doubted it.

Determined to think about Potter no more tonight, Severus raised the bottle to his lips and took a healthy drink, summoning one of his books from the shelf, Wuthering Heights. If the book couldn't distract him, maybe getting drunk might.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

The next day, Dolores Umbridge was declared Hogwarts's new headmistress. The world, surely, had to be coming to an end as she took Albus's usual seat in the middle of the Head Table in the Great Hall. She smiled sweetly the whole time, as though everyone's glowers were bright smiles. Most of his Slytherins seemed pleased and Severus had been tempted to take points from his own House for supporting that cow. At the very least Draco seemed unsure of himself, seeming to question if he should rejoice with his fellow Slytherins or glare at the woman like the rest of the school. He turned his gray eyes to Severus after a while and Severus gave him a small nod and the boy merely settled on looking bored with the proceedings.

Umbridge even dared to stand when the first students stood to leave, stopping them long enough to give a "lovely" speech about the students now being able to have a proper education and being free from lies and being pushed into situations and knowledge they were too young and innocent for. Severus wanted to snort. Minerva looked disgusted. Septima was glaring daggers at the wall ahead, looking as though she were biting her tongue to keep from shouting the woman down. Even tame and kind Aurora looked furious. The students themselves were muttering, most of them up and leaving right after her little speech, apparently having lost their appetites. Severus didn't blame them…Being near that woman was enough to make anyone sick, let along having to listen to her ridiculous babble.

Even the staff began departing soon after and Severus stood as Aurora and Sibyl left, putting their heads together and whispering furiously like teenage girls when they were far enough away from the table. Severus rolled his eyes and followed several feet behind. "Oh, a moment, Severus!" the toad called out sweetly. Cursing under his breath, Severus turned and marched back up to stand beside the woman. "I am sure you have heard about yesterday's events?"

"Of course," Severus said. Everyone had.

"Good, good," she said. "Well, as you can be sure, I find it very disturbing that so many students were…sneaking about. I was wondering if you had any Veritaserum in stock that I could use?"

"I might," Severus said stiffly. "I will let you know when I have time to look."

"Splendid," Umbridge said with a smile and Severus took himself to be dismissed, turning on his heel and walking away a bit more quickly. That cow wanted to use Veritaserum on the students? Severus could only imagine what sort of trouble that could produce. He was doubtful, though, that Umbridge was much of a potion maker. Perhaps Severus could whip something up and call it Veritaserum. He doubted anyone with as few brain cells as her could know the difference between Veritaserum and water. If only he could discuss the matter with Albus, but every means of communication was being heavily monitored and the only way Severus could think of that would work was through the phoenix Albus had in his possession, so unless Albus tried contacting him and needed a response, Severus would have to act on his own instincts.

Severus swept down towards the dungeons, thinking to fill a few vials with warm water to set aside for Dolores Umbridge and set up for his first class. He was almost irritated when he saw Potter standing with his back to him, wondering if the boy was coming to spy on him or pester him. Even knowing he would have to contact Potter soon to set their meetings up again, it did not bode well with him that Potter would come seek him out first. As he drew nearer, though, he discovered that Potter was standing there, talking with Draco. Severus paused and stood against the wall in the shadows, listening carefully to them.

"I really had no idea about any of it!" Draco swore vehemently.

"I know, I know. Marietta Edgecombe has SNEAK written on her face for good reason," Potter said. "Everyone wants to blame you somehow, though" Harry said, sounding annoyed.

Severus raised an eyebrow. Surely Potter could not mean that Draco had been involved in yesterday's fiasco? Surely he wasn't idiot enough to join that little club going against Umbridge?

Draco laughed humorlessly. "Yes, well, they all have good reason not to like me."

"Well, they should at least trust me," Potter muttered.

"It's fine. Don't worry so much," Draco said.

"S'hard not to. It bothers me. Even Ron and Hermione don't seem to trust my judgment at all."

"Can't blame them too much, either, can you? I was worse to them than anyone else," Draco offered.

"Well they should at least know I'm not a complete moron," Potter grumbled.

Severus snorted and bit back all tempting, sarcastic comments.

"Really? I-" Draco began, but ended up clearing his throat, probably due to some look Potter had given him. Draco just laughed. "Oh c'mon."

"You should never insinuate that your friends are morons…Just because you spent the past several years being followed around by Crabbe and Goyle is not a good enough excuse," Potter teased.

There was a short silence. "So…We're friends, then?" Draco asked, trying to sound strong, but there was a bit of uncertainty in his voice that made Severus cringe. The boy was going to have to work on his acting skills a bit more.

"Erm…I dunno. I thought so," Potter said nervously.

"Ahh. Well then…I could do worse, I suppose," Draco said.

Potter snorted. "You have done worse."

"Crabbe and Goyle may be ugly and stupid, but they are very loyal and practically worshipped me, you know."

"Yes, the very last thing you need is people giving you a bigger head," Potter joked. "So, did you find out much?"

"Hmm. No, just that Marietta went to Umbridge about it all and sent a bunch of Slytherins after you…er…us. I guess. Anyway, she also wants to set up this Inquisitorial Squad thing. She wants me to join so…Well, I figured I could be a spy, maybe?" Draco asked hesitantly. Severus had never heard Draco sound more unsure of himself than now.

"That'd be great, actually," Potter said, sounding surprised and pleased.

"Good," came Draco's relieved reply. "Don't want anyone thinking I'm spying on you…"

"I'm sure everyone will," Potter said. "But I don't care. They can all get over it."

"Yeah…Don't care much about them, though," Draco said.

"Oooh so you care about me?"

"Shut up."

"Must be why you kissed me then, eh?"

"Shut it, Potter!"

"I think you secretly liked it."

"I will hex you!"

"Better than snogging Millicent, I imagine."

"Hu-Well, yeah. But that's not a hard one to beat."

"I can't believe you snogged her."

"I was drunk!"

"Excuses."

"A very good one, I might add."

"Even drunkenness is not a good enough excuse for that."

"Aren't you Gryffindors supposed to be nice?"

"Aren't you Slytherins supposed to be straight?"

"I AM straight!"

"If you say so."

"Ugh…Potter…You are making me regret being your friend."

"But if we're not friends anymore, how am I supposed to hit on you?"

"Hmm…I do enjoy being hit on. Even if it is a bloke."

"See? That at least makes you bisexual."

"It does not!"

Severus bit back a chuckle, listening to the boys carry on. He was a bit surprised Draco was being friendly with Potter out in the open, but he didn't think on it too much. He couldn't help but feel a bit proud of them both for getting along this well. It was a good sign and Draco certainly seemed to be doing a bit better these days.

Deciding he had work to do and could not sit around eavesdropping on teenagers, Severus swept forward and headed to his office. "Oh, good morning, Professor!" Draco said, hastily moving away from Potter a bit. Potter rolled his eyes and turned those brilliant green orbs onto him, seeming a bit more tense and guarded than usual. "Can I speak with you, Professor?"

No. Absolutely not. I refuse. I do not care what orders I have been given, I refuse! "Of course. Come in, Potter, but this cannot take long. I have more important matters to attend to," he said, walking into his office and sitting behind his desk, that trapped feeling coming upon him again as Potter shut the door. It was the first time they had been alone together in weeks.

"Profesor, I'm sorry about kissing you. It was wrong and inappropriate and I was just being dumb," Potter said, this little speech of his obviously rehearsed. "I'm not going to go out and find some random person to date nor will whatever feelings I have just go away…But it was wrong of me to let those feelings get in the way of my lessons. I know that they're very important and I'm very serious about continuing them. I promise I will work harder than ever if you give me another chance."

Severus studied Potter for a moment. The boy stood tall, looking more serious and determined than Severus could remember. His arms were folded over his chest, standing nearer the door than Severus. Severus might actually believe him…At least believe that Potter was serious about this now. "Yes, the headmaster…Or rather, Dumbledore, wishes me to continue your lessons in his absence. I have no qualms about defying orders, however, should you wish to act up," Severus warned. That wasn't necessarily true, but the more he made sure Potter kept his distance, the better.

Potter looked mildly surprised and slowly nodded his head. "Thank you, sir."

"Good. I expect you here around your usual time, Potter," Severus said, watching as the boy turned and walked out without another word or another glance. As the door closed behind him, Severus encountered a very strange, empty feeling deep within him. There was something very sad and defeated about Potter that was worrisome, despite his strong determination to get on with the lessons. Severus didn't dare let him think about it too much.

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**Author's Note:** Two in one day, just for you my lovely readers! Now I know it's not my best or more interesting, but I feel that this chapter and the last were very important in establishing for the return of Harry's lessons and decided that to be nice, I'd get them both done today so I can get the rest of this plot doing ASAP. I really think everyone will enjoy the next chapter, which contains the promised Snarry moment!

Thank you to everyone who's reviewed so far! I love you lots! I hope you'll continue to read and review and that you enjoy reading this story as much as I enjoy writing it.

Chapter title lyrics from "I Will Not Bow" by Breaking Benjamin.

And thank you Carry My Soul Into the Night for the new song suggestions! In search for a title for this chapter, I found several lyrics that work perfectly for future chapters! I love having those planned out because the hardest part is finding the right title lol! You've bee so helpful!


	25. Tear Down This Steadfast Wall

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Tear Down This Steadfast Wall_

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The following two weeks went far better than Severus had expected. Draco seemed better than he had in a while, and while his friendship with Potter wasn't well known, Severus kept tabs on them. They seemed to get along much better than Severus had originally hoped. There still wasn't much hope for half of his students, but there didn't seem to be as many explosions. "Headmistress" Umbridge was driving everyone nuts, but the staff members all found unity in talking about her behind her back, and even those co-workers Severus barely spoke to, now found something very serious in common with him and they could carry on lengthy discussions bashing their new headmistress, only to come to a halt when the woman or members of the Inquisitorial Squad were in their presence.

Most importantly, his lessons with Potter were going much better than they ever had. The first day was a bit sketchy, but Severus kept his remarks to himself, because he could definitely see the effort the boy was putting into it. He nearly passed out from exhaustion midway through the first lesson, sweat sliding over his tan skin. The days after showed much improvement. He was no master Occlumens, but Severus found himself very impressed by how hard Potter was pushing himself and how well he was doing, compared to his failure over the past several months. Even that, however, could not stop Severus from stumbling upon new dreams and fantasies Potter entertained, but he held his tongue and Potter made no comment, either. They barely spoke during the lessons and only now and then, when Potter was too tired to move, they would engage in familiar, if strained, conversations.

"Legilimens!"

Potter teasing Draco about their kiss. Weasley trying to convince Potter how evil Draco was. Granger knitting strange pieces of cloth for house elves, spouting off about something called SPEW. Potter sitting with his friends, struggling to find ways to continue their D.A. meetings. Potter watching on both enviously and happily as Weasley and Granger cuddled up on the couch in the Gryffindor common room, asleep. He saw the face of young Ginevra Weasley before he was finally forced out.

Severus frowned. "That was a bit lacking, considering your recent accomplishments."

"I know, I'm sorry…Bit tired today, s'all. I'll do better," Potter said.

He had a sharp retort on his tongue, but made himself hold it back. Potter knew how serious this was and Severus only nodded and raised his wand again. "Legilimens!"

Potter was sitting in the prefect's bathroom, drinking with Draco, discussing his feelings about Severus…He got to the beginning of Potter trying to change the subject when he was suddenly shoved out.

Potter was breathing raggedly, stumbling a bit where he stood. His eyes were unfocused for a moment and Severus was half worried the boy might fall over, but he managed to stay on his shaky legs, his cheeks aflame. His green eyes darted around the room almost angrily, looking determinedly anywhere but Severus. Meanwhile, Severus tried hard not to think about what he had just witnessed or the strange feeling it gave him.

"Better," Severus said. "Legilimens!"

The little trio was sitting by a fire, doing Potions homework. Weasley was griping about how awful Severus was while Granger admonished him with a pointed look towards Potter, who noticed and said nothing. Weasley went on to complain that he wasn't sure what Potter saw in him. "S'not like it matters, does it, Ron?" Potter snapped before getting up and walking off. He turned back to say something out, but it was then that Severus was roughly pushed out of the boy's mind.

Severus was a master Occlumens, skilled enough to underestimate just how difficult of an art it truly was. He frowned at how pale Potter was, still breathing as though he had run several miles to get here. Potter looked ready to throw up or pass out or something, but he finally managed to stand up, albeit shakily, nodding to Severus determinedly to show that he was ready.

The boy hardly looked to be in good condition, but Severus doubted he would always be well prepared when faced with the need to use Occlumency. Severus rarely was. Deciding it was a better lesson to keep pressing forward, he raised his wand again. "Legilimens!"

Severus caught a glimpse of Longbottom's face before the image flickered and came back in time to see Potter and Longbottom watching Luna Lovegood holding up an issue of her father's magazine, discussing some strange creature or another. This barely lasted a few seconds, though, before Severus was pushed out of the boy's mind.

That was better than usual. When Severus was pulled back into present time, though, he found Potter lying on the ground, eyes closed and his wand still rolling until it hit the wall. Severus waited a moment, watching, almost half expecting Potter to rouse at any moment or to find the boy messing around. "Potter?" Severus said after a moment, concern kicking in. He strode over and gracefully fell to his knees beside the boy, reaching out to grab his shoulders and shook him forcefully. "Potter!"

Nothing. Severus leaned in closer, inspecting the boy for a moment for any injuries before prodding him in the chest. "Potter," Severus growled, growing agitated and more worried. After a moment of hesitance he rested a hand over the boy's chest, feeling his heart thump quickly beneath his palm. The brat was at least alive, Severus thought with some relief. Perhaps he had a potion that might rouse Potter, or maybe a spell…During his considerations he heard a quiet moan and glanced up anxiously into Potter's face as his bright green eyes blinked open.

"W'happened?" Potter mumbled, looking confused.

"You passed out when you pushed me out of your mind," Severus explained. "Get up, Potter."

"M'kay," Potter muttered and shifted around a bit, though aside from lifting his head, there wasn't much getting up. Severus wondered if the boy was trying to get on his nerves, but one look at Potter's face told him otherwise. He looked frustrated and embarrassed and the movement of his lips assured Severus he was only a breath away from cursing.

"Here," Severus said, sighing as he reached down to slide his arm under Potter's neck and the other around his middle, hoisting Potter up a bit. The boy barely had any balance at all and fell over into Severus, his arms flying wildly a moment before grasping Severus's shoulders, trying to hold himself steady. His eyes were out of focus for a moment and he was taking slow, deep breaths as he tried to steady himself. Severus froze, just holding him steady until he was ready to do more. He felt like he should be helping Potter into a chair or laying him back down or something. Maybe he should be thinking of what potions he could get to help Potter faster or something of a more useful nature, but found himself sitting very still, unable to do much but watch Potter. In his mind he heard the Dark Lord's suggestion to seduce Potter…Heard Potter telling Draco what it was he saw in him…Remembering both kisses Potter had given him and finding his lips tingling and eager to brush against Potter's, to really get a feel of them and a taste of them…

He's a boy, he scolded himself harshly. A fifteen year old boy.

Severus swallowed hard, that disgust and self loathing returning to him, but as he made to pull away, he met Potter's eyes. He had such captivating eyes…Bright, emerald green…Giving him the most curious look. That look reminded Severus of the situation he was in, but he was finding it harder to pull away.

You always prided yourself on your self control, his mind taunted. Where is it now?

Severus swallowed hard, determinedly moving, but Potter's grip on him tightened and he paused, letting Potter shift around a bit. All he managed to do was move closer and Severus couldn't for the life of him figure out if it was done intentionally or not. "I feel like a girl, you holding me like this," Potter muttered quietly.

"You do not feel like a girl," Severus said, his voice too quiet and lost for his own liking.

Potter's lips turned up a bit in a small smile, though the look in his eyes was too intense to allow anything like a real grin to appear. "I feel strange," Potter whispered.

"What's wrong?" Severus asked. The boy no longer seemed weak or dizzy.

"Same thing you always do to me," Potter muttered, tongue flicking out to swipe across his lips. Severus watched its movement until it disappeared into his mouth. Severus looked back up into his green eyes as Potter shifted closer, green eyes sharp as they watched Severus, as if expecting him to snap or bite. Severus probably should, he thought to himself. It was the only logical course of action. He didn't move, though. Why couldn't he move?

"You are ridiculous, Potter," he whispered.

The boy trembled slightly in his arms. "You should call me Harry."

"That would be most inappropriate," Severus muttered, feeling that name on the tip of his tongue, wanting badly to say it, but refusing to. He needed to snap out of it, he thought. He pulled away, moving his arms to push Harry…Potter at the same time, but Harry tightened his grip and moved closer still, his warm breath ghosting over Severus's face. Severus froze yet again and Potter remained in his arms, shivering now and then. Severus wasn't sure how long they were sitting there, so close, yet never close enough. His eyes hungrily roamed over his face and he caught those emerald orbs doing the same. Harry licked his lips again, so close Severus almost felt that tongue on his own lips. How desperately he longed to lean in and capture those lips in his own. Every inch of his body was aching with the desire to do so and Severus wondered how long he could last in this blissful torture before having to hex Harry to be free of this spell or give in and kiss him.

Harry gasped quietly, catching more of Severus's attention and Severus worried he was sobering up, losing this beautiful little world they had created for themselves. He parted his lips, knowing he should say something, though his brain was working slow at coming up with the actual words. Harry had moved in closer, though, their lips almost touching. There was hesitance in Harry's lips and in his movements, but the moment he felt the smallest brushing of Harry's lips against his, he lost it entirely.

All of a sudden, Severus was kissing the boy deeply, holding him closer and immediately immersed in the feeling of drowning. Potter was not overly experienced, but he was eager and his lips were warm and he tasted of butterbeer and mint and faintly of those treacle tarts that had been served with dinner. He clung to Severus just as desperately as Severus held onto him, like anything less and they might fall apart, that holding each other and kissing each other in this way was the only thing holding them together. Severus didn't mind much-he was too far gone to care, too caught up in these wonderful feelings to give anything a second thought as he should have. Instead he let his hands roam over Harry's back, one hand sliding into that unruly, black hair, luxuriating in softness he had only dreamed about before. Harry, meanwhile, just clutched at him, probably not even sure what to do.

Severus kissed Harry more deeply and more passionately than he could ever remember, pouring all of those intense and confusing feelings he had kept buried inside into it, feeling almost entirely overwhelmed by the intensity of the feelings as they moved through him. There was no room to think about it, though, only to act upon it and express it.

That beautiful oblivion didn't hold them captive long enough as a sudden rapping on the door pulled Severus from his blissful escape. He gasped sharply, heart hammering in his chest as he pulled away, letting Potter fall into a heap on the floor. "Oi!" Harry exclaimed but Severus glowered at him threateningly, placing a finger to his lips as the knocking continued. "Oh, Severus!" called out that sickeningly sweet voice of Dolores Umbridge. Severus reached down and grabbed Harry by his shirt and yanked him to his feet, shoving him into a chair and thrusting a parchment and a quill down in front of him and Harry hastily picked it up and began scribbling furiously.

Leaving him there, Severus swept across the room and took down the silencing charms and locking charms he put up, should anyone try to interrupt a lesson and was immensely glad he had done so. Severus quickly straightened his robes and quickly patted down his hair, hoping to Merlin he looked presentable as he pulled open the door, staring coldly down at the short woman. "I trust you are interrupting Potter's detention for good reason, headmistress."

"Of course," the woman said, eyes sliding past Severus to look at Harry. "I was merely wondering if you had any more Veritaserum?"

"Of course," Severus said, nodding and walking back into the office, quickly plucking up the three remaining vials of water and turning to place them directly into Umbridge's hand, as the woman had followed behind him and remained too close for comfort.

"Thank you very much, Severus," Umbridge said, turning to Harry. "Enjoying your line writing, Potter?"

Potter's jaw tightened for a moment. "Yes. Very much."

"Good. I bet you do," Umbridge said, eyes flickering over his hand momentarily before turning back to Severus. "All he's been doing is writing lines?"

"Is there anything else he should be doing?" Severus asked, well aware of the woman's suspicions, his stomach twisting at the thought of what had just taken place on the floor of his office.

"No. Nothing at all," Umbridge said quietly. "Good evening, Severus. Good evening, Mr. Potter."

With that she skipped out of the room and with the closing of the door, awkwardness set upon them. Neither moved, neither spoke, neither dared to look at the other. Severus figured in a position such as this, acknowledging it would just make it worse. Somehow pretending it never happened seemed to him the best course of action.

"Are you well enough to continue your lesson, Potter?" Severus finally asked after several long, agonizing moments.

"Y…Yeah…I think so," Harry said, setting the parchment and quill aside, standing up while Severus replaced the silencing and locking charms. Finally he turned to Harry, glad for the several feet between them and the decency Potter had not to look at him. It might have been his undoing, those bright green eyes. As it was, he pushed all guilt and desire from himself as he raised his wand.

"Legilimens!"

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Potter…Harry…_Potter _had done well the rest of their time together. Severus didn't probe into his mind too much, fearing what he might find it he tried too hard. Harry pushed him out reasonably well and Severus faced no more memories of himself be they real events of imaginary. Severus didn't dare practice much longer before sending Potter off with reminders to practice and threatening him with violence if no improvement could be seen. Severus was glad to be rid of the boy and he was finally able to retreat into his rooms, collapsing exhaustedly onto his couch.

What in the name of Merlin had happened tonight? He was stronger than this! He wasn't some pervert, some disgusting pedophile who preyed upon the children he taught. The boy was incredibly young, incredibly confused…Harry didn't know what he wanted or how he felt. Nothing should be attractive about a scrawny, young boy. Nothing should be attractive about the son of the only woman he ever loved. Severus was not normally attracted to people so much younger than himself and these days rarely found an interest in anyone in their twenties. They were too immature, too much and too inexperienced. Nothing could be attractive about Harry because Severus had never been attracted to James, and Harry was practically that man's clone! All but for those eyes…

Maybe it was her eyes, Severus comforted himself. Maybe it was all because of her eyes. It was no good excuse, but it was a comfort. He could accept that he might find some attachment to the boy because of Lily. That made sense. Nothing else did, but that.

He recalled that kiss, though, and felt everything within him melt. He could almost feel that warm, hard body against his and those soft lips against his own, the feel of that silky hair between his fingers…Pink tongue sliding across full lips and green eyes looking up at him in confusion and desire and hesitance. Severus felt his cock stir at the thought and blanched at the idea of being hard throughout that ordeal and imagining Potter feeling his arousal. Grumbling under his breath, Severus kicked off his shoes and pulled off his outer robe and shoved them to the floor before summoning his brandy and his book. He was going to ignore his hardness, refusing to touch himself to the image of that boy.

Severus laid back into the cushions of the couch and held the battered copy of _Wuthering Heights _in his hand, always a favorite, though at the moment it held no real appeal. Severus knew what he did want…But did he dare? Taking another long gulp of his drink he summoned a second book and tossed the first aside onto the coffee table. _Lolita _by Vladimir Nabokov was certainly more fitting, was it not? Severus had not read it in many years, but the book seemed to be calling out to him tonight. Ignoring the discomfort in his pants, Severus set his brandy aside and opened the book to the first page, wondering if he would feel more disgust or sympathy for Humbert Humbert as he read.

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**Author's Note: **Three chapters in one day! Kind of surprised, but I did so you should all love me! Lol! Anyway, as promised, I gave some snarry fun! It wasn't as long as I had hoped, but that's fine. The next chapter should bring about a bit more action. I have a feeling the next few chapters will take a bit longer to get up because I think they'll end up being longer…A lot has to happen, but I promise I hope for speedy updates for the last four chapters of Part One.

Thank you so much to everyone who is reading and reviewing! I hope everyone enjoys this chapter, and you know a good way to let me know!

Chapter title lyrics from "Unholy Confessions" by Avenged Sevenfold.


	26. No Limits to the Boundaries You Push

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_No Limits to the Boundaries You Push_

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The kiss that took place between them went unmentioned and seemingly forgotten, both Harry and Snape acting as though it had never happened at all. Sometimes Harry wondered if it had even happened, if not some wonderful dream. The sensations had been all too realistic and perfect, but the situation was entirely strange and unlikely, wasn't it? Snape sure as hell didn't act much differently. It was a bit painful to Harry, thinking about such a passionate kiss shared between them only to go on and remind himself that he wasn't supposed to stay caught up in these feelings for the man and that nothing would ever happen between them again and he needed to move on. That one taste of hope, though, set back every tiny bit of progress he had managed.

Harry remained strong, though. He continued with his lessons fervently, putting every ounce of his strength and focus into them. This was about not letting anyone down, Harry told himself. Snape's presence had become near unbearable these days, but there were things more important than his feelings. He had to learn more so that he could protect his friends, fight Voldemort, and make sure the sacrifice Dumbledore had made for him did not go unrewarded. This was what he needed to do and he realized that now more than ever. It was exhausting, especially with everything else going on at the time. He even managed to convince Snape to give him those extra Potions lessons that he had been telling everyone he was in the moment he started the Defense and Occlumency lessons, in preparation for the OWLs (since Harry needed an O in Potions to get into the NEWTs class and Harry had to have a NEWT in Potions to become an Auror).

Aside from his private lessons with Snape, Harry had plenty going on around him to keep his mind off of more unpleasant matters. McGonagall and Umbridge got into it over Professor McGonagall's advice to him during their career advice session. Fred and George turned a corridor into a swamp area and left the school. Harry led Gryffindor to victory in their final Quidditch match of the season, a game that showed loads of improvement from Ron. Hagrid introduced them to his giant half brother, Grawp. The Inquisitorial Squad was on a warpath, tormenting the other Houses horribly while Draco always made sure to warn Harry of any big threats the group might produce. And, finally, at the beginning of the week, OWLs started.

"I'm pretty sure I did good on my Defense OWL," Harry was telling Snape as the older man led him into his private chambers, a routine that had sprung up again the past few days, starting when Snape invited him in to fetch him a potion for his sore muscles. "I'm also pretty sure I did better in Potions than usual, though I'm not sure if it was O worthy or not," Harry was babbling. He had done his very best on the Potions OWL, mainly because he needed it and partially to prove to Snape he could do it and another part of him wanted to impress him with his improvements. "Care of Magical Creatures wasn't so bad, either…Not very confident in Astronomy…I am pretty confident I scored the lowest T ever in Divination, though," Harry said, blanching, as he plopped down onto the familiar couch.

"Must you flop around like that?" Snape questioned, raising his eyebrow.

Harry only grinned and shrugged sheepishly.

Snape sighed. "You at least tried in Divination, didn't you?"

"Well, of course I did. I'm not as lazy as you like to think," Harry shot back defensively. "It's only…I've never been good at it. I'm just not that worried…I don't want it and I don't need it to be an Auror."

"It just so happens to be a highly unreliable and useless subject, so I suppose I will not think horribly of you for failing it as marvelously as you claim," Snape said with a smirk and Harry fought a smile as best he could. These past few days, while somewhat tense, had been a bit more familiar and comforting and even friendly, an atmosphere Harry could remember clearly from earlier this year, times spent on this couch, talking with Snape about various subjects.

"I appreciate it," Harry said with a grin.

Snape nodded and remained where he stood in the center of the room, speaking after a moment. "Do you wish to continue with Occlumency tonight?"

They had just got done with a few rounds of it just ten minutes ago and he wasn't so eager to jump back into it. He realized it was his choice and he also knew that the more practice he had, the better. "Yeah, that'd be great," he said, though he hardly thought it was great at all. He stood up and Snape flicked his wand so that all of the furniture soared past them, neatly resting by the far wall.

Harry's mind was tired and weak, but he pushed himself, knowing that he had to. It was just like the lessons had always been these past few weeks, Snape avoiding any memories of him like the plague and Harry pushed them deep into the recesses of his mind. There were memories of the Dursleys and of his friends and the D.A. and everyone else who mattered.

His defenses were weaker now, though, and Snape was pushing harder and after a while, the memory of their kiss came into play. Both knew what it was the moment the tired and confused Harry looked up at Snape, the tension and the attraction clear between them. Harry found he gave up trying to push out altogether, and Snape wasn't budging, either. Harry watched in fascination as he clutched awkwardly at Snape's body while the man held him tightly, long, potion-stained fingers combing through his thick hair. Harry swallowed hard, feeling something stir deep within him. He could almost feel every touch of Snape's hands, the feel of his lips, and the pressure of that hard body pressing against his, as though it were happening all over again. He was entirely transfixed by the scene before him, only to have it ruined the moment Umbridge started pounding on the door and with a gasp he fell back into the present, stumbling backwards, feeling sick and dizzy and frustrated.

"Get out!" Snape hissed, voice thick with anger and panic.

"Wha-why?" Harry demanded, suddenly finding himself in Snape's viselike grip, being shoved to the door, watching it fling open. What the hell was his problem? It wasn't the first time Snape had ever had to see something like that. Only the difference, Harry reminded himself, was that it was real. All the more reason for Snape to chill out. He hadn't exactly pushed Harry away…He kissed him back and everything! Whatever Snape's feelings were, he at least had to be attracted to Harry in that way…Could anyone kiss like that and not be physically interested in the person they were kissing?

"Wh-Stop!" Harry shouted, reaching out behind him to slam the door closed before Snape could push him through it, suddenly finding his back slammed into the door. Fury flashed through Snape's eyes and he looked murderous now.

"You think you're very clever, don't you?" Snape hissed, reaching down for the doorknob, but Harry beat him there, gripping it firmly and refusing to let Snape move him.

"Not particularly," Harry muttered. "Look, would you just stop? We should keep practicing."

"Practicing? I'm not going to practice if-"

"I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING!" Harry screamed. "You could have ended the memory just as much as I could have, Snape!"

"Get out," Snape hissed.

"NO!" Harry shouted. "I will not go! You can't keep running away from whatever this is! There are some things more important than…than that! I need these lessons!"

"I am not running away, Potter!" Snape growled.

"Sure seems like it," Harry shot back. "I bet you liked it. That's it, isn't it? You liked it a bit too much and now you're running away so you don't do something stupid."

Snape looked, if possible, more angry and Harry wondered if maybe he had been right. He certainly hadn't meant to land on the truth, only hoping to get under Snape's skin and goad him some more. Snape could be so frustrating and Harry wanted nothing more than to get back at him. His response, though, only made Harry confused…There was something very…strange, Harry decided, in that glint in Snape's eyes. Furious…Seething, even…and panicked, he wondered.

"I bet you did," Harry whispered quietly, daringly reaching forward to stroke his hands down the middle of Snape's robes, pushing aside the outer layer to feel around beneath them, causing Snape to pull back, but Harry reached out to grab him with one arm and just a moment later his palm slid over something very hard. Snape's gasp assured him that it was definitely not Snape's wand he was hiding in there.

"Potter," Snape said in a warning tone, a definite note of panic now.

"Harry," he reminded the man, desperately wanting to hear that dark, silky voice caress his given name in such a darkly seductive manner as he heard his surname.

"Unhand me at once," he hissed.

Reluctantly, Harry let his hand fall away, and was surprised when Snape didn't immediately jump back away from him. Instead he remained close, his breathing just as ragged as Harry's had grown and hesitantly he looked up into those dark eyes, meeting a stare so intense he forgot how to breathe. Hands moved away from him, and yet they remained close enough to touch, tantalizingly close. The ability to think fled him and all he was really aware of was the tightness in his pants, the tingling in his stomach, and the sudden warmth spreading through his body.

Snape began backing away, slowly turning and steadily walking across the living room, as if it took every last bit of his strength to pull away from Harry. On the other hand. Harry found he wasn't quite as strong or in his right mind and without much thought to it, found his feet moving, following after Snape, stopping as Snape did between the couch and coffee table. Anger, frustration, hunger, pleading…All sorts of different things he could see in those dark eyes as they met his again. "You need to leave," Snape told him.

"You kissed me back," Harry muttered, clinging to the feeling desperately, not wanting his mind to come back to reality, not wanting to face this, preferring to get lost in that sea of arousal so consuming that he couldn't help himself but to take what he wanted. He didn't want to come back to that moral and self-controlled self because he wanted every excuse possible to kiss him again.

"I don't see what that has to do with anything," Snape said.

"I want you to kiss me again," Harry admitted.

"And I want you to leave," Snape snapped.

"No, you don't," Harry argued.

"You dare-!" Snape began, voice growing muffled as Harry reached out, grabbing his shoulders and pressing himself up on his toes to kiss him.

It was a bold move. He knew it was wrong and he knew he promised not to try this anymore, but he had to know. Snape had kissed him back…Snape was hard…Then the way Snape had been looking at him! He had to know…Snape couldn't make any more excuses! Maybe Snape didn't love him, but there was something there! Harry knew it…There wasn't any other explanation. Something existed between them and Harry couldn't deny it and he couldn't let Snape deny it, either.

So he kissed him. He kissed him with everything that he had, not worried about his unimpressive experience or what Snape would do when it was all over. To his pleasure, Snape's arms immediately wrapped around him, pulling him close and kissing him back deeply. There was sudden movement and his heart jumped, half fearful of being shoved away, but Snape followed him down onto the couch, pressing him down into the cushions. Snape was strong and Harry found he didn't mind the way Snape controlled him, in fact enjoying the feel of the man's mouth taking over his and of those strong hands holding him down, allowing little movement. Harry wiggled his hips a bit, moving his legs around enough to allow Snape to settle between them, grasping Snape tighter and moaning into the kiss as he felt something press against his hardness. Snape froze, but before he could do anything, Harry bucked his hips up, seeking more contact with the older man.

Snape groaned, his own hips pressing back against Harry's. "We need to stop, Potter," Snape muttered against his lips, but Harry hardly noticed anything but the incredible feelings of his arousal pressing against Snape's. He wiggled and moved eagerly beneath Snape, only hearing another groan and a pained grunt before finally the body on top of his was moving away. Harry reached out to stop him, but Snape pushed his hands away and staggered back.

"Leave, Potter," Snape growled and Harry blinked in confusion, hearing the slamming of a door not long after.

He was so turned on it was painful and it took a few long moments before he realized what had happened. Blinking furiously, Harry suddenly sat up and straightened his glasses, looking around the room. Snape was gone, he realized, feeling a bit disappointed by this realization. Still, Harry scrambled to his feet and looked towards the closed bedroom door, figuring that was where Snape had gone. He was tempted to call out to him…To try to go in and see him…But Harry figured he had done enough for tonight. He felt his face heat up at the memory of what had happened, his heart still racing furiously in his chest. He couldn't help but to feel a bit ashamed of himself…He knew he shouldn't have gone that far. He knew this very well could have ruined the lessons he had been so dedicated to this past month or so. Harry knew how serious it was, though he reminded himself a bit bitterly that Snape hadn't handled the whole thing very well, either, willing to throw Harry over one memory…

Harry left the man's rooms and headed back to Gryffindor Tower, feeling too awful about himself and what he had done to feel any sort of victory over discovering that Snape did, in fact, feel something for him.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"So…You're just going to quit?"

Two nights later, Severus found himself glaring at Septima Vector. She was one of his few friends and one of few people he got along well with at all on staff. Tonight, though, Severus found her irritating as she judged him behind those dark brown eyes. They were sitting in his living room, the most private place Severus could think of at this time. He needed someone to talk to about all of this…He could feel himself steadily falling out of his tight control and it bothered him. Albus wasn't here to help him…Septima was the next best person, in Severus's opinion. Or had been until she decided to look at him like that, such a skeptical look in her gaze.

"I should," Severus said stiffly.

"No, you shouldn't," argued Septima. "You can't just give up on the boy because he has a crush on you."

Severus gritted his teeth and took another drink of his brandy. He hadn't quite been able to confess the whole thing to Septima just yet, though the woman was too perceptive and smart for her own good. She merely raised her eyebrow after a moment of silence and said, "There's more?"

"He kissed me," Severus said.

"And? You're a grown wizard, Severus," Septima reminded him. "What else?"

"He grabbed me."

Septima rolled her eyes. "Now really, Severus. You are a grown wizard and he is just a boy! Nothing you can't…Severus, what exactly happened?"

"I told you," Severus growled. "He kissed me."

"And you kissed him back?"

Severus nodded stiffly.

Septima said nothing for a moment. "Bu…Se…I…" she began before clearing her throat and shaking her head. "Why don't you explain everything? From the beginning?"

Severus sighed heavily, though he was grateful for Septima's patient tone and willingness to hear him out. "Albus had me giving the boy lessons midway through summer and we…got along well enough. Near the beginning of the school year, however, I discovered the boy had a …crush…on me," Severus explained, clearing his throat. "Albus wanted him taught in Occlumency, so you can imagine how I came to gather this information. After that, always, I would find myself in the boy's thoughts and in very compromising positions. It was infuriating, but…after a while…I found myself having similar…thoughts," Severus said, feeling his own face heat up, though he sat tall and dignified as ever. "The boy saw my…vision…one day during our lessons when he used a Shield Charm against me. I have tried many times to get Albus to end it, but it wasn't until right before he left that he granted me that wish. But when he was gone, the Dark Lord and Albus both wished for me to continue my relationship with the boy. He seemed much more serious, granted, at the time, but…A few weeks ago he kissed me and I…I forgot myself. I kissed him back…Only Umbridge banging on the blasted door stopped things," Severus muttered, cringing. "Then, the other night, he kissed me again and I…pushed him onto the couch and he began rubbing himself against me and…I stopped it but…but I didn't want to."

Septima said nothing for a moment and while Severus did not bow his head in shame, he couldn't bear to look at his old friend. "He's only fifteen, Severus."

"I am well aware," Severus replied through gritted teeth. "That is why this is such a dilemma."

"Hmm," Septima sighed. "Do you have feelings for him?"

Severus glared at her sharply. "What?"

Septima didn't blink or turn away afraid. "You heard me, Severus. Really. You've never taken a liking to young boys before, and I was merely wondering if perhaps you had developed feelings for him that might explain your…desires."

"I bloody well do not have feelings for a child!"

"You're attracted to a child," Septima pointed out coolly.

Severus had nothing to say to that and didn't bother trying. Instead he sat back in his chair, glaring at his friend.

"So. Feelings?"

"Irritated," Severus replied.

Septima sighed impatiently. "For Harry Potter?"

"Merlin, no," Severus said.

Septima looked doubtful. Severus could have hit her for it. How dare she imply that he might have feelings for the boy? Severus couldn't' have feelings for him. The only thing more wrong than being attracted to the son of the only woman he ever loved was developing feelings for the son of the only woman he ever loved.

"Any…attraction I might have is because…of his mother," Severus said.

"You can't honestly believe that?" laughed Septima. "No, you are not that sort of man, Severus. I can hardly see you losing your control for anything, Severus. Your undoing was certainly not feelings you hold for the boy's mother. Only the boy himself could have inspired such a power."

"That," Severus said, "is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard."

Septima laughed quietly, brown eyes shining in both amusement and sympathy. She didn't have to say it for Severus to understand that she thought he was the one being ridiculous. It irritated him, but he said nothing further on the subject. He drank more of his brandy and refused to even entertain Septima's suggestion that he might feel something for Potter.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

While Severus Snape and Septima Vector enjoyed brandy in silence, Harry Potter was trying desperately hard to concentrate on his History of Magic OWL. It was horrible enough that the class was so boring…It wasn't fair, Harry thought to himself. Not only was it such a difficult class due to dullness, but Harry had too many things on his mind to be helpful. Hagrid was gone, McGonagall was injured, and he hadn't seen Snape in two days. He was getting a headache, which definitely wasn't helping matters, but he struggled onward, quill poised above the parchment, though his mind was too blank to offer up much of anything. The scratching of quills could be heard all around him and the quiet footsteps of Professor Tofty.

He recalled a few names and places and dates, and quickly scribbled them down, though he wasn't sure any of it made sense or if any people or places he wrote even matched. He glanced up at the hourglass frequently, hoping time would disappear and they'd be done…It was harder to keep his eyes open now. He was so tired…Harry wracked his brain, desperate for anything else he could get…

The room slowly faded out of focus, melting into the dark corridor to the Department of Mysteries, the same place he had been dreaming of for so long. He walked smoothly, purposefully, gliding along eagerly, moving faster and faster towards his destination. The black door swung open for him and moved without pause and without hesitance towards the second door and jogged the last few feet to the third floor which opened welcomingly, just as the others had.

Again he found himself in that cathedral-sized room full of shelves and glass spheres. His heart was beating very fast now. He was going to get there this time around. When he reached number ninety-seven he turned and hurried down the long aisle. There was a dark shape on the floor at the very end, moving like a wounded animal. Harry's stomach contracted with fear…with excitement.

"Take it for me," came his high, cold voice. "Lift it down now…I cannot touch it…But you can…"

The black shape on the floor shifted. Harry grasped his wand and pointed it at the figure. "Crucio!"

The man on the floor screamed in pain, struggling to stand, but fell back, writhing. Harry was laughing. He raised his wand and the curse lifted and the figure groaned and became motionless.

"Lord Voldemort is waiting," he said.

Trembling, the man slowly raised his shoulders a few inches and then his head. His face was bloodstained and gaunt. He was hurt, but he was defiant. Despite his physical weakness, the man portrayed a sort of annoying strength.

"You'll have to kill me," Sirius whispered.

"Undoubtedly I shall, in the end," he said in the same cold, empty tone. "But you will fetch it for me first, Black. You think you have felt pain thus far? Think again…We have hours ahead of us and nobody to hear you scream."

Someone screamed as Voldemort lowered his wand again and fell sideways. He hit the cold stone floor painfully with a loud thud. Harry hit the ground and awoke, still screaming, his scar on fire. The Great Hall erupted all around him and all Harry could think about was saving Sirius Black.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**Author's Note:** Hope everyone's enjoying! Only three more chapters left in Part One! Getting to the good stuff, too! Hehehehe! Please review, you know I love to hear from you!

Special thanks to Carry My Soul Into the Night for the wonderful review for the last chapter! And the wonderful song suggestions, of course! I'm glad you're liking it!

Chapter title lyrics from "Waking the Demon" by Bullet for My Valentine.


	27. Finding Nothing But Questions and Devils

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Finding Nothing But Questions and Devils_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

That stupid, stupid boy. Severus thought this over and over again as Draco led him to Umbridge's office, both walking quickly. Draco looked troubled and Severus was going to have to make sure the boy could handle continuing this farce before entering that office. His acting skills had improved since acting as a spy on Umbridge and the Inquisitorial Squad, though at the moment he looked pale and worried and he would have to make sure not to look quite so upset when they reached their destination.

Draco had been sent to retrieve him by the headmistress and had quickly caught Severus up on everything that had happened. Potter had been using the Floo in Umbridge's office and had been caught by said cow. Members of the Inquisitorial Squad had captured some of Potter's friends…Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ronald Weasley, Ginevra Weasley, Luna Lovegood, and Neville Longbottom were all there, Draco had told him. Of course, a group of idiotic Gryffindors up to something or other. And the foolish Ravenclaw girl. Draco didn't know why Harry had been stupid enough to try whatever he had been doing.

Severus had a pretty good idea of what Umbridge wanted from him, though he didn't care so much about that. He was more interested in the state of Potter and the other students. Severus wasn't sure what he could do…He had to be careful. He could not lose his position, certain that the Dark Lord and Albus both would be furious with him if he risked it. If it was bad enough, though, Severus would be sure to find some sort of help for the brats…Maybe inform Minerva that her little lions were in trouble or something.

When they were near the office, Severus reached out and pulled Draco to a halt. "Don't forget your role, Draco," Severus muttered and Draco quickly nodded, taking a moment to pull his expression into that haughty expression that seemed to be a trademark of his. He strode with a bit more ease towards the office door, though Severus noticed a light tremble or twitch now and then. Otherwise, the boy was doing a rather good job. Severus stood tall and kept his face blank as he followed Draco into the office. His black eyes flickered around, eying the little heroes all being held by Slytherins and for once, Severus found it hard to be proud of his House. "You wanted to see me, Headmistress?" Severus asked, turning his eyes to Dolores Umbridge.

"Ah, Professor Snape," said Umbridge, grinning broadly as she stood up. "Yes, I would like another bottle of Veritaserum, as quick as you can, please."

"You took my last bottle to interrogate Potter," he explained coolly. Not that it had ever really been Veritaserum, so much as water in a vial. "Surely you did not use it all? I told you that three drops would be sufficient."

Umbridge flushed nastily. "Well, you can make more, can't you?" she said, voice becoming sweet and girlish in such a manner that Severus wished to stomp on her.

"Certainly," Severus assured her, smirking. "It takes a full moon cycle to mature, so I should have it ready for you in around a month." It wouldn't take near as long to fill another vial full of water, but he enjoyed this method much more.

"A month?" Umbridge shrieked. "A month? But I need it this evening, Snape! I have just found Potter using my fire to communicate with a person or persons unknown!"

"Really?" Severus asked, allowing himself to glance at Harry, who was watching him intently. He seemed to be concentrating very hard, though on what Severus hadn't the time to figure out. "Well, that doesn't surprise me. Potter has never shown much inclination to follow school rules."

"I wish to interrogate him!" Umbridge said, looking about two seconds away from stomping her foot childishly. "I wish you to provide me with a potion that will force him to tell me the truth!"

"I have already told you that I have no further stocks of Veritaserum," Severus explained smoothly. "Unless you wish to poison Potter-and I assure you I would have the greatest sympathy with you if you did-I cannot help you. The only trouble is that most venoms act too fast to give the victim much time for truth-telling…"

Severus glanced back to Harry, unable to help himself. He didn't seem horribly injured…Yet, he thought, his stomach lurching at the idea. Severus wanted to help him…He wanted nothing more than to curse Umbridge on the spot and direct all of his Slytherins into detention and take as many points from Gryffindor and Ravenclaw as possible for putting him in such a position. He was angry and he was worried, but he retained his cool expression as he turned his eyes back to the enraged Dolores Umbridge.

"You are on probation!" shrieked Umbridge and Severus merely raised his eyebrow. "You are being deliberately unhelpful! I expected better, Lucius Malfoy always speaks most highly of you! Now get out of my office!"

Severus offered her a bow before turning to leave. He wasn't too worried, though he reminded himself he'd have to be sure to get on better terms with Umbridge. He knew he couldn't afford to lose his position at this school. As his hand reached the doorknob, though, he heard Potter's voice shout out to him.

"He's got Padfoot! He's got Padfoot in the place where it's hidden!"

"Padfoot?" Umbridge exclaimed eagerly. "What is Padfoot? Where is it hidden? What does he mean, Snape?"

Pulse racing a bit, Severus turned to stare at Potter, letting nothing show on his face. He couldn't. Saying something like "I'll go check on him and make sure he's fine" or even betraying such a message through his expression was out of the question. Instead he said coldly, "I have no idea. Potter, when I want nonsense shouted at me I shall give you a Babbling Beverage. And Crabbe, loosen your hold a little. If Longbottom suffocates it will mean a lot of tedious paperwork, and I am afraid I shall have to mention it on your reference if you ever apply for a job."

With that, Severus turned to leave, moving hastily down the corridors. He paid no mind to the students or ghosts or co-workers he moved past, only stopping when he entered his private chambers. He found himself slightly out of breath, but he didn't dare stop, immediately brandishing his wand and summoning his Patronus, the silvery doe making everything around it appear dark and dreary. "Black, as little as I care, your godson would like to know if you are…safe and well," Severus said clearly before waving his wand again and sending the beautiful doe to Grimmauld Place.

As he waited, Severus paced the floor. Potter obviously had a vision that Sirius Black had been taken by the Dark Lord to…The Department of Mysteries? There wasn't anything else Potter could have meant by it. As well as Harry had been doing in Occlumency, Severus was a bit disappointed by this, but it more than anything made him suspect that it could have been a trick of the Dark Lord's. Just a few minutes later, a silvery dog leapt into the room.

"Snape," the dog said in Black's voice, sounding suspicious and worried. "I don't know why Harry couldn't have seen for himself, but I am fine. Where is Harry? What is he doing?"

Severus relaxed a bit, not bothering to send a response. He had more important things to attend to as he spun around to leave the room.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Draco kept up the façade, smirking and watching the proceedings in apparent amusement. He felt a lot more comfortable when his godfather had been there, and felt most of his confidence fade away when he had left the room. Spying was one thing, but keeping up this charade at a time like this? Draco did his best, though, and most attention was on Umbridge or Harry…Until the Mudblood started talking. Umbridge had come close to using the Cruciatus Curse on Harry when Granger spoke up, claiming to have been trying to contact Dumbledore and having some secret weapon or another. Draco just raised his eyebrow and watched the proceedings quietly until Umbridge left with Harry and Granger in tow.

And he waited.

"Hmm…What do you think we should do with them, Draco?" Blaise asked with a grin.

He had to think quickly. He swallowed hard. Being friends with a Gryffindor was one thing, but actually going out of his way to help him? With something of this magnitude? Draco gazed at all of his lifelong friends…The Slytherins…Blaise and Pansy and Crabbe and Goyle…Then at the glaring faces of those proud and brave Gryffindors who hated him. The choice should have been easy, shouldn't it? He was not the self sacrificing sort…All he cared about was himself. Right? This sudden protective feeling that overcame him was entirely new and Draco wasn't entirely sure what to do with it, but he did know he didn't have much time to figure it out.

"Do I have to come up with everything?" Draco demanded, rolling his eyes. He had to buy himself a little bit of time, when Umbridge would be care enough away to get something done.

"You always do," Crabbe said, looking confused.

Draco sighed. "That's because I am apparently better than all of you."

"Oh, I do so admire that modesty of yours," Blaise teased.

"That what?" asked Goyle.

"You idiot!" exclaimed Pansy. "Never mind it, let's practice some jinxes on them, shall we?"

"Whoa!" Crabbe exclaimed as Longbottom slipped out of his grasp, but he squeezed the boy tighter.

"Careful, Crabbe!" snapped Millicent.

Draco rolled his eyes and Blaise met his gaze, shrugging his shoulders. Draco eyed the Gryffindors as they struggled against their captors and sighed heavily, hand tightening and loosening uncertainly around his wand before finally pointing it at Crabbe. "Stupefy!"

Crabbe fell over sideways, bringing Longbottom down with him. The Gryffindors and Loony Lovegood all stared at him in shock while Pansy glared down in annoyance at Crabbe's unconscious form while Blaise sighed and brought out his own wand. "Your aim really needs improvement, Draco," Blaise chuckled, aiming his wand at Longbottom who quickly stood up, both Longbottom and Draco shouting a Stunning Spell at him at the same time.

The office erupted into chaos. The Slytherins were shocked enough to give their victims ample opportunity to escape. Jinxes and hexes and curses fired out throughout the room. Ginevra Weasley sent an awful Bat Bogey Hex at Goyle while Millicent continuously used the tripping jinx against Ronald Weasley who kept falling over only to stand up and fall flat on his face again. With Draco on their side, though, and two of their number down, the Inquisitorial Squad was outnumbered. Draco managed to disarm the worst of the group, leaving them open to the enthusiastic attacks of the Gryffindors. Draco mostly just watched on, as the Inquisitorial Squad didn't quite seem to fully grasp his betrayal and didn't seem too keen on attacking him. Finally, all of the Inquisitorial Squad lay unconscious on the floor and Draco hesitantly began going around, Obliviating them.

He couldn't exactly let them remember how he had gone against them, could he?

As he finished off with Blaise, he became well aware of many pairs of eyes staring into his back. Draco slowly turned to see the group gathered in front of the door, staring at him. Some were glaring, some stared suspiciously, others gazed curiously, and some managed a nice combination. Draco cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably. "What are you looking at?"

"You helped us," Weasley said in astonishment.

"Yes, well," Draco said awkwardly, fingering his wand. Maybe he should be rid of them, too, to avoid this whole thing. "We have a common friend, don't we? And he might need our help, I think."

"We should go to Harry then," said Loony in her odd, dreamy voice. "They went into the forest. I saw them from the window when Millicent was trying to pin me there."

"Yeah, we should," Draco agreed uncertainly. Everyone else was quiet for a moment, still staring at him as if he had grown another head. "Well, get a move on it! What is wrong with you people?"

"Yeah…Let's go!" Longbottom finally said, snapping out of it. "Alone with Umbridge in the forest? Harry and Hermione are definitely going to need us, I think."

"Alright, let's go," Weasley grumbled. "I suppose Malfoy can come with us."

Draco rolled his eyes. "As if you had the choice," he said, shoving past them.

"Might want to be a bit nicer, Malfoy!" Weasley snapped, following him.

"Why? I just saved your tails, I think I'm entitled to a bit of fun," Draco replied smoothly.

"We could have done it without you," Ginevra Weasley huffed.

"Yes, well, you didn't," Draco said as they marched down the halls. There weren't many people lingering in the corridors to meet and Draco figured his reputation was safe. With his Inquisitorial Squad badge and the hell they had been bringing over Hogwarts, being seen with these losers couldn't be so awful. They would just think he was torturing them or something, wouldn't they?

It took a few minutes to get out of the castle and even as they walked towards the forest, they weren't entirely sure where to go. Luckily they didn't have to wait long…A very familiar voice could be heard as they approached. "-rom here?" Harry was saying.

"We need to get back up to the castle!" Granger was saying weakly.

"By the time we've done that, Sirius'll probably be dead!" Harry exclaimed.

"Well, we can't do anything without wands," Granger said hopelessly. "Anyway, Harry, how exactly were you planning to get all the way to London?"

"Yeah, we were just wondering that," Weasley said, moving towards the trees where they heard the voices. Draco let everyone else go ahead, awkwardly walking up after them. "So, any ideas?"

"How did you get away?" Harry asked, his eyes wide.

"Malfoy-" began Longbottom.

"-saved the day," Draco finished, stepping forward to hand Harry his wand.

"Helped," Ginevra corrected.

"Couple of Stunners, a Disarming Charm, a little of this and that," Weasley was saying, grinning. "D.A. lessons really came in handy after all."

"Of course they did!" said Granger in exasperation.

"What happened to Umbridge?" Longbottom asked.

"She got carried away by a herd of centaurs," Harry said.

"And they left you behind?" Ginevra asked, looking surprised.

"No, they got chased off by Grawp."

"Grawp?" Draco asked around the same time Loony asked, "Who's Grawp?"

"Hagrid's little brother," Weasley explained.

The big oaf had a little brother? Hiding in the forest? Draco raised his eyebrow, but said nothing, standing aside as the group fell into a discussion about Sirius Black and some rescue mission and how they were going to get to London. Draco stood off by a tree, watching on, wondering if he should remain and help them or head back into the castle. He certainly didn't feel a part of things, but as he looked back at the castle, Draco wasn't sure he could go back there just yet.

"Okay, fine, it's your choice, but unless we can find more thestrals, you're not going to be able to-" Harry was saying.

Thestrals? Draco blinked and focused on the conversation again.

"Oh, more of them will come," Ginevra said confidently. "You and Hermione are covered in blood and we know Hagrid lures them with raw meat…"

They wanted to ride thestrals? Draco shifted nervously. The castle didn't seem like such a bad idea…It was safe and warm in there and he could warn Severus of what was happening.

"Are you coming, Draco Malfoy?" Loony was asking as she helped Ginevra climb onto thin air. Probably the thestral then, he thought with a gulp.

"Of course he's not!" Weasley sneered.

"He can if he wants to," Harry grumbled. "The rest of you insisted on coming, so if he wants to he can come with us."

"Thanks. Sticking up for their safety but not mine?" he teased.

"Well I can't stop them so I've given up," Harry replied, sounding tired and irritated, but he offered a smile and jerked his head to his left.

Draco blinked at the nothingness as Loony helped Granger onto one of the invisible beasts. She looked to him expectantly and Draco glanced from her to Harry to the castle. "Yeah…" he said, feeling both excited and scared out of his mind. "Yeah, I'm coming."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"They're not in their dorms, Severus."

Minerva McGonagall was suddenly walking beside him as he moved down the corridors.

"Of course not," he muttered. "I found a great number of my Slytherins unconscious in the headmistress's office."

"Did you?" Minerva asked, looking shocked.

"Yes…Probably your little lions escaping," Severus explained. "I don't think Umbridge would have done that to her little minions."

"No, I didn't think so," Minerva said frowning.

"If Potter did have a vision concerning his dogfather and the Dark Lord…Given Potter's exhaustingly heroic nature, maybe it would be prudent to assume that Potter has gone to the Ministry," Severus suggested, trying to keep the agitation out of his voice. Damn that brat! Damn it to hell and back! It was a trap! How could he not see that? Ridiculous notions of heroism and self-sacrifice and other Gryffindor ideals were going to get him killed! He was just as foolish as his father and cared too much, just like his mother.

"Yes, that would be like him, wouldn't it?" Minerva sighed. "We must inform Albus."

"I will," Severus volunteered. "The Order needs to know. As Deputy Headmistress perhaps you should remain and keep an eye on things. I'll send them a message and search for Potter. If he's not at the Ministry, I have a few witnesses who claim to have seen Umbridge brining Potter and Granger into the Forbidden Forest."

"Gracious!" exclaimed Minerva. "That blasted woman!"

"I'll find them," Severus promised. "I'll send word if I find hi-them."

"Thank you, Severus," Minerva said, a look of determination set upon her stern face as she walked briskly down the halls. Severus, meanwhile, turned and glared as he marched towards the entrance hall. As he moved, he hastily sent Patronus messages to the members of the Order and a special message for Albus including that he would be searching the forest for them. When he got his hands on Umbridge…Severus growled darkly as he thought of the awful things he would do to that woman! Bringing Harry…Bringing Potter and Granger into the Forbidden Forest! That cow deserved whatever awful fate Severus could deliver to her.

If Potter was at the Ministry, however, well….That boy was not going to be happy when Severus was through with him.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**Author's Note:** Hope everyone enjoyed! Sorry it's not very action-packed, but especially with events from the book it's a bit hard for me to really get into it…I'm more of a person to focus on the drama aspects than the action parts, but I hope you all enjoyed what I managed, anyway!

As for Sirius's fate, I haven't yet decided…I love him to death, but killing him is still kind of tempting…rofl. Anyway, the death count will be seen in the next chapter so I should hopefully get it figured out by tomorrow so I can start work on it! I have a good bit planned for the next chapter, so it might turn out pretty long (hopefully)!

I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of this chapter! Only two left for the first part of the story! They are, without a doubt, two of my favorite chapters (out of a handful lol) and probably my two favorite in the first part of the story. Since I wrote out what would happen in them I have been so excited to reach that part and now that I'm finally here it's really exciting and I really, really hope everyone will like them!

Big thanks to xXxElectraxXx for reading and reviewing! I absolutely love your story and I'm so excited that you're reading this! lol!

Hoping for more reviews! You know I love them!

Chapter title lyrics from "Last Resort" by Papa Roach.


	28. The Moment of Truth

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_The Moment of Truth_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"NOW!" Harry yelled.

"REDUCTO!" six different voices behind him shouted. And six curses flew in six different directions and the shelves all around them exploded as the spells hit. The hundreds of glass spheres lining the shelves burst open, pearly white figures forming in their place, voices echoing all at once, making it impossible to decipher anything they were saying, if he cared to. Glass and wood rained down on the floor and Harry turned away from the Death Eaters and faced his friends.

"RUN!"

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Severus ran. He ran as fast as he could through the trees, feeling himself panic the further into the forest he traveled. Damn it, he was going to kill Potter if he got himself into serious danger! He would kill Umbridge first for good measure and Granger for letting it happen, of course.

Maybe he wasn't even here, Severus reminded himself. He had told Minerva the boy could very well be at the Ministry trying to save his dogfather. Great. The boy was either in a dangerous forest with an evil witch and dangerous creatures or at the Ministry of Magic walking into a Death Eater trap. That boy was a trouble magnet. Absolute trouble. Images flashed through his mind…Many masked Death Eaters firing curses in Potter's direction. Being thrown around the forest by various creatures. Severus gritted his teeth and tried not to think about it, moving more swiftly.

"POTTER!"

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Neville was on the floor, twisting and screaming in agony in response to Bellatrix Lestrange's curse. Before he could do much, two doors burst open and Sirius, Lupin, Moody, Tonks, and Kingsley marched in, wands drawn. The Death Eaters all turned their attention to the new arrivals but Bellatrix who eyed Neville and Harry hungrily.

There was no time to think or worry or say anything. Bellatrix cast another curse in his direction and Harry lunged out of the way, stumbling as he tried to remain on his feet. Chaos surrounded him. Jets of light flashed all through the room and spells and curses were shouted loudly, echoing throughout the room. It was almost impossible to tell who was dueling who and who was casting what curse. Harry only ran, dodging the spells that he could and firing his own only when he was sure it was a Death Eater on the receiving end.

"Harry!" Sirius yelled, going after Bellatrix. "Take the prophecy, grab Neville, and run!"

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"HELP! HELP! STOP! STOP, YOU INSANE ANIMALS! FILTHY HALF-BREEDS! GET OFF! STOP! I COMMAND IT!"

Hearing the frantic voice of Dolores Umbridge, Severus slowed down and approached the direction of her voice cautiously. He heard the sound of hooves hitting the ground and angry, offended voices snarling at Umbridge. Centaurs. Foolish woman. Severus stood near a tree, peeking out from its side cautiously. Umbridge was hanging upside down from a tree, one leg tied to a branch while the rest of her dangled about. She was bloody and bruised and wailing, though no one seemed to be throwing any punches now or throwing anything or whatever it was they had been doing with her. It actually looked like they might have dragged her through the forest and she had gotten cut and bruised on rocks or sticks and such things, though Severus couldn't be certain.

Potter and Granger were nowhere to be seen, though. Severus was tempted to turn and go back and leave her here to her suffering…She certainly deserved it, didn't she? And yet he waited a moment, wondering if he should offer any aid. No, he decided. He still had Harry to attend to…To find and deal with so he could finally find some peace.

"Someone is here," said one of the centaurs.

"Another human," said another.

Hearing movement approaching him, Severus braced himself.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"Where is my son? I saw him here?" demanded Lucius Malfoy from somewhere nearby Harry.

"My nephew hasn't become a traitor, has he?" demanded Bellatrix as she continued firing curses at Sirius.

"Of course not!" Lucius cried indignantly. "He came to help, no doubt. To stop them…How could you even think Draco-"

"Yes, yes, I know!" Bellatrix cried impatiently. "CRUCIO!"

"AGHHHH!"

Harry tried helping Neville out, but found himself stopped, firing curses between Dolohov and an unknown Death Eater who had advanced upon him.

"STUPEFY!"

"EXPELLIARMUS!"

"CRUCIO!"

"IMPERIO!"

"IMPEDIMENTIA!"

Neville was stumbling a bit, making him hard to keep an eye on and protect. Seeing Dolohov aim his wand at Neville, Harry quickly jumped and shoved the other boy aside, landing with a hard and painful thud on the floor, immediately struggling with his sore muscles to stand up.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

The words were spoken so close to him it stunned him. Brilliant green light momentarily blinded him and a loud thud assured him that someone had died. There was a roar of laughter and Harry blinked the dots out of his eyes and looked around frantically, staring in wide eyed shock and horror at Ron Weasley, laying spread eagle on the floor, his blue eyes wide open and empty.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

A little over an hour later, Harry Potter found himself sitting in Dumbledore's office, nice and neat as though nothing had ever happened here. He felt numb. He should feel much more than this, shouldn't he? He forced himself to think of his best friend…Ron Weasley, who was practically his brother, dead. Died because he had jumped in front of Harry to save him. Another person died for him. He felt a strange throbbing deep within him, as if promising he would suffer immensely later on. For now, though, he felt nothing but exhaustion as he stared ahead straight ahead of him. Time had little meaning, and it could have been seconds or minutes or hours or days for all Harry knew, the time Dumbledore finally came in.

The portraits all exclaimed their greetings as Dumbledore walked in, but Harry barely spared him a glance, hardly noticed his entrance at all. Dumbledore said nothing to him, either, for a moment. He walked to the perch where Fawkes usually stood and pulled the now small, ugly, featherless phoenix from an inner pocket in his robe and placed him gently among the ashes. Harry watched dully and kept his eyes on the bird as Dumbledore walked around to sit behind his desk.

"Well, Harry," said Dumbledore softly, "you will be pleased to hear that none of your fellow students are going to suffer any lasting damage from the night's events."

None of his fellow students? Harry supposed he should have been mad, but couldn't seem to muster up enough energy for it. "Ron's dead," he said flatly.

"Yes," Dumbledore said sadly. "Ron Weasley is dead." After a moment the older wizard continued. "Madam Pomfrey is patching everybody up now. Nymphadora Tonks may need to spend a little time in St. Mungo's, but it seems that she will make a full recovery."

Harry nodded slowly. Everyone else would be fine, but his best friend in the whole world was dead. His first friend, Harry thought to himself, his heart suddenly lurching painfully from beneath that thick blanket of numbness. He felt tears beginning to sting his eyes and his throat suddenly felt dry and hot.

"I know how you are feeling, Harry," Dumbledore said very quietly.

"No…No, you don't," Harry growled, feeling close to shouting or sobbing and not sure if the sudden burst of anger or crippling pain was stronger. He wanted to crawl up inside of himself and hide beneath the cover of deadness that had consumed him since leaving the Ministry. His body felt entirely too small and confined for the powerful emotions rushing through him.

Dumbledore did not argue. Instead he went on about how feeling pain was his greatest strength and other nonsense that irritated him. Every word the headmaster spoke, he could feel poking at something deep within him, pushing buttons and making everything he felt so much worse. His best friend was dead. He did not need to be told how good it was that he was feeling awful because of it. Harry didn't want to hear anything good after what had happened. He wanted to argue, but he didn't trust himself to speak or move. He felt weak…Like his voice might break and he wouldn't hold near the anger he wanted to once he got going. His arms were folded across his chest, every muscle in his body stiff and tight and unmoving as he stared out of the window behind Dumbledore's head. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want to hear anything this man said.

If Dumbledore hadn't left, none of this would have happened. If Snape would have just listened to him, this could have been avoided. If everyone would have listened to Harry and stayed behind, Ron would still be alive. Harry just nodded, hardly listening to the words the headmaster spoke, only hearing that loud shout of the Killing Curse and the sight of his very best friend lying dead at his feet. The teasing words Dolohov and Bellatrix had shouted at him, picking on him for his best friend's death. Making light of something so awful.

Harry was pulled back into the present as the sun began to rise and Dumbledore was saying his name. "Harry?"

"Mhm?" he asked, grateful that he had been pulled away from that awful memory, wishing desperately he could get rid of it. Maybe it wasn't real. Maybe none of this was real, he thought hopefully. It was all just a dream…An awful nightmare or a vision. Maybe it wasn't even the real Ron…Someone had been pretending to be Ron to spy on them and they had killed that imposter…His best friend was alive and safe. Harry hoped it desperately. Life without Ron Weasley…It was so strange. It couldn't be real.

"Harry, I owe you an explanation," Dumbledore said. "An explanation of an old man's mistakes…"

Harry raised his eyebrow and sniffed, shifting in his chair a bit, trying to focus on Dumbledore's words instead of his horrible thoughts. It was almost irritating, the extravagant way Dumbledore had to tell him whatever it was. Why couldn't he just get to the point? He held little interest for the first few minutes, as Dumbledore went over things Harry already knew, about his scar and his connection to Voldemort. He went on about his fear of Voldemort using Harry to spy on Dumbledore, something Snape had driven into his head on many occasions for that to be nothing new. Harry felt restless, wanting to snap at the man to tell him to hurry up so he could leave. He wanted to go to bed and wake up and have everything be fine. Sitting here was becoming torture.

Sirius had never been taken, Dumbledore explained, and Kreacher had lied to him. Harry felt his stomach twisting up in knots, thinking of how all of this could have been avoided…He also explained how Snape had informed the Order about Harry's warning and had given Umbridge fake Veritaserum to interrogate him and other students with. That, at least, made Harry feel somewhat better. It didn't bring Ron back, though…None of it did and only succeeded in making him feel more and more guilty for leading his best friend to his doom.

"It is time," Dumbledore finally said, "for me to tell you what I should have told you five years ago, Harry. Please, listen…I am going to tell you everything. I only ask for a little patience…"

Patience? Harry wanted to scream. He didn't want to sit here and listen to anymore, though part of him was intrigued by whatever it was Dumbledore wanted to tell him. Nothing could be that important, could it? Not important enough to keep him from his friends when they needed him. To keep him from being able to mourn Ron the way he should. As Dumbledore spoke, though, he had Harry's full attention. He tried not to, but found himself glaring at the headmaster, biting his tongue to keep himself from exploding in anger and frustration and impatience.

Dumbledore knew Harry had suffered, he said, in his life with the Dursleys. He wanted to keep him alive, blah blah blah. The protection of his mother's blood…Dumbledore was talking about his first year at Hogwarts and Harry hoped that whatever this was had everything to do with that year. Harry didn't want some long, flowery prelude to whatever it was Dumbledore wanted to tell him. He just wanted him to say it! Be blunt and get it over with. Harry didn't care about anything else. What did any of this even matter? He spoke of his plan and decisions not to tell Harry each year he had been at Hogwarts so far. Discussing what took place each year he had been here. "JUST TELL ME THEN!" Harry wanted to scream at the top of his lungs, but found himself remaining still and silent as ever, listening to every word Dumbledore said, some sense of great anticipation upon him, eager to hear whatever it was Dumbledore was getting to and not willing to interrupt and waste more time.

"Voldemort tried to kill you when you were a child because of a prophecy made shortly before your birth," Dumbledore finally said. A prophecy he had gone out to try to fulfill by killing Harry, and upon his failure was now determined to hear the prophecy in full. The Hall of Prophecies, Harry thought…Images flashed through his mind of glowing spheres crashing to the floor and the one he had been carrying falling to the floor.

"The prophecy's smashed…" Harry said blankly, his voice weak and shaky, just as he had feared.

"The thing that smashed was merely the record of the prophecy kept by the Department of Mysteries," Dumbledore explained. "But the prophecy was made to somebody and that person has the means of recalling it perfectly."

"Who heard it?" Harry asked quietly, curiously. Who had heard the prophecy that Voldemort so craved? Who could very well be at risk, should Voldemort find them and know what they could tell him? What was this prophecy, of such importance that Voldemort had been eagerly searching for it all year? A prophecy about him…His stomach twisted painfully and he had to wonder if he even wanted to know it at all.

"I did," Dumbledore said. Harry's eyes grew wide as he finally let his wet green eyes turn to the older man as Dumbledore explained his meeting with an Divination professor applicatn at the Hog's Head Inn. How unimpressive she had been until he turned to leave. On that note, Dumbledore stood and walked past Harry and his eyes eagerly followed the other wizard as he retrieved his Pensive, bringing it over to sit upon his desk. Harry's heart was pounding wildly in his chest and he stared at the stone basin as Dumbledore placed his wand to his temple, pulling long silvery strands of thought out and placing them within the Pensive.

Unlike his previous experiences with Pensives, Harry did not have to get up and stick his head into the thing. Instead a figure rose out onto the surface, a small figure of Sibyll Trelawney. Her mouth opened, speaking in those harsh, hoarse tones he had heard her use once before.

"_The one with the power to vanquish he Dark Lord approaches. Born to those who thrice have defied him. Born as the seventh month dies. And the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have the power the Dark Lord knows not. And either must die at the hand of the other, for neither can live while the other survives_," she said, a loud and panicked knock sounding on the door behind them midway through her speech so that Harry had to strain to hear the words. "_The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies_."

The slowly revolving figure of his Divination professor slowly sank back down into the silvery mass below and vanished.

The rapid knocking on the door disrupted the momentary silence that had fallen upon the office.

"We shall continue momentarily, Harry," Dumbledore said apologetically. "Come in!"

Harry turned as the door opened and in strode Professor Vector, the Arithmancy teacher. She was wearing a mauve colored nightgown with a midnight blue dressing robe draped over her shoulders. Her dark, curly hair was a tangled mess instead of the pristine braids she normally kept them in. There were dark shadows and bags beneath bloodshot eyes. "I apologize for my interruption, headmaster," Vector said, nodding her head politely to both men. "It is important, though. I tried contacting Severus a while ago and never got a response…I don't think he ever returned from the forest when he went searching for Potter," Vector explained, worry clear in her pretty face. "Umbridge never emerged, either, from what I've heard…I'm worried, though. I don't see why he would need to be gone this late, unless…"

"Thank you, Professor Vector," Dumbledore said with a frown, nodding his head and standing up. "I will see what I can find out."

Vector nodded her head and left and Harry glanced up at Dumbledore in a panic. Snape was gone? He had gone into the Forbidden Forest to search for Harry. Whatever he might have felt in response was gone because all Harry could feel was worry. Snape was strong and clever. He could take care of himself. But like Vector had said, why would he be gone so long? Voldemort could have called him, Harry supposed, but somehow that didn't comfort him much.

"We will have to discuss this more tomorrow, Harry. You should go to bed now," Dumbledore said.

"But, sir-" Harry began to argue.

"Good night, Harry," Dumbledore said, leaving the office without another word.

Harry just stared after him for a moment, heart pounding loudly in his chest, a steady thumping felt throughout his body. He couldn't just stay here! His best friend had just died saving him, and now Snape could very well be out there, hurt because he had been trying to help him! His mother had died saving him…Harry couldn't just sit back and let everyone he cared about be hurt and die because of him! Harry didn't know what to think or what to expect, but he did know that he was not going to bed.

"Accio Invisibility Cloak!" Harry whispered and he crept to the door of Dumbledore's office, opening it and looking down both ways. Dumbledore was no where to be seen, nor was his Cloak. Still, Harry waited quietly until he heard a strange whistling sound and suddenly his arms were full of his Cloak. Harry hastily grabbed it and closed the office door, tugging the Cloak over his body as he hurried down the stairs and out into the corridor. He knew he should be quiet, as to not alert anyone in the castle to his presence, but most people were sleeping and he doubted he had much to worry about except maybe Mr. Filch and Mrs. Norris. Harry didn't have it in him to care as he launched into a full out run, pushing himself as hard as he could to the entrance hall, pleased to find the door unlocked. Harry slipped out, spotting a tiny dot in the distance disappearing into the trees…Dumbledore, no doubt.

Dumbledore could save him, Harry thought, but he kept going, running across the grounds towards the forest. Dumbledore was the most powerful wizard in the world, but Harry couldn't just sit back and do nothing. He had to do this. At least the sun had started to rise, so it wasn't so dark out anymore…It would be a bit easier and he wouldn't have to alert anyone or anything to his presence too much using Lumos.

Harry was sore and out of breath the time he reached the forest and he leaned against a tree for a moment, catching his breath before stumbling between the trees. Harry swallowed hard as he looked around at the trees. He remembered how to get to Grawp, but other than that…Harry didn't exactly know the forest all that well. He didn't even know where to start looking. Harry was tempted to take that more familiar path they had traveled to visit Hagrid's little brother, but instead he took another path. Snape could be anywhere…Harry wracked his brain, trying to think of any spells that might help him on his search.

"Accio Snape!" Harry whispered desperately, bracing himself and half expecting the taller man to fly towards him at any moment. He was disappointed when he didn't. Harry frowned and tried to think of something else. He could try Summoning something of Snape's that might tell him what direction Snape was in. But other than his wand, Harry wasn't sure what else he would have on him for sure and how much he would need to Summon before he was able to locate the man. Besides, if Snape was here, Harry couldn't leave him defenseless without his wand.

The forest seemed so peaceful right now, it was almost wrong. Light barely poured in through the treetops above, enough to keep the large forest from looking as dreary as it did by night. There was the light sound of wind rolling through and the rustling of leaves and some of the branches swayed gracefully. Harry didn't see much movement or the noises of animals or other creatures, though that didn't necessarily mean anything.

After a while, Harry started to feel hopeless. Where to go and what to do. Dumbledore could have very well gotten both Umbridge and Snape by now, couldn't he? Harry shook his head and kept walking, eyes peeled for anything, desperately thinking of something that might be able to help.

Maybe Summoning would help…If he just kept trying things. Figuring there was nothing else he could do, Harry focused on Snape. "Accio Snape's…potions?" Harry said, not sure if the man carried potions on him or not. He remained still for a moment, holding his wand steadily, green eyes scanning around the forest. After a moment his shoulders dropped and he sighed and almost that exactly moment he felt something zoom past his ear from behind, coming around to land in his hands. Harry spun around, seeing another shoot out at him from somewhere to the left. Harry grabbed the vial and placed it in his hand with the other, moving quickly in the direction they had come from as another soared into his hand. He moved more quickly, nearly tripping over a stack of fallen branches. He stumbled over them and just barely regained balance as two more came to rest in his arms, from somewhere to the right now. Harry moved quickly in that direction, but after a moment he realized no more were coming. Harry quickly stuffed the vials into his pockets and his arm shook slightly in excitement and fear as he raised his wand. "Accio Snape's…quill," he said, a moment later realizing that was probably stupid. Who randomly carried quills on them? Hermione, maybe, but it seemed like an odd thing just to have in your robes. "Accio Snape's watch!" he called out.

To his surprise a gold pocket watch zoomed into his arms and Harry grasped it and placed it in his pocket, as well, walking more quickly in that direction, looking on either side of him as he moved, so fast he was making himself dizzy and he could feel a headache coming on. He came to a halt when he saw something move, but after a moment discovered it was just an owl pecking at something on the ground and it quickly flew back upwards after a moment. Muttering under his breath, Harry continued onward. He moved with determination, still thinking of random things Snape might have on him that he could try Summoning.

"Accio Snape's…button!" Harry whispered desperately, wondering if he could Summon just a button from the man's robes. After a moment, though, a rather big black button flew into his hand from the left. Harry turned and quickly moved in that direction, only having to move between two nearby trees before finally spotting the man.

Snape was laying on the ground, his head and part of his shoulders propped up by a tree trunk. He looked paler than usual, his black eyes barely squinting open. His breathing was ragged and Harry noticed his hand twitching where he was grasping his wand tightly. He didn't look too bad…He was still alive, at least, Harry thought gratefully, grinning as he ran forward. "Snape!" he cried, running forward, feeling like his heart might burst from joy at the weak smirk Snape managed.

"Potter," Snape said, voice hoarse and low. "Do I have you to…bl…ame for my…sudden…disappearing…objects?"

"Sorry," Harry said, falling to his knees by the man's side. "I was trying to find you."

"Wh…y?"

"Vector was worried about you…Said you had come out here looking for me…that you hadn't come back yet…" Harry admitted, anxiously looking Snape over. His robes looked a little wet and he had a bit of mud smudged over his hand and his neck. It was so strange to see him laying this way, so weak…He must have put up a lot of work finding him, probably had to fight off angry centaurs or even running away from Grawp. Harry couldn't even begin to imagine what Snape had been through, but he was fine and that was all that mattered.

"Yes, well…You should get back, Potter…The Forbidden Forest is…forbidden…for good reason…" he rasped. "Dangerous…Go back…"

"No," Harry said immediately, reaching out to grab the man. "Let me help you."

Snape hissed as Harry reached for his arm and Harry jerked away, wondering what had happened. "Go back, Potter…I will…not forgive you if you…die…out here…playing her…o."

Harry glared at the man and reached out to grab him again, deciding to be more careful and to avoid his arm. As he reached out, though, he noticed that the wetness he had felt on his hand was red. And sticky. His stomach twisted nauseatingly. He stared down in horror at the man's soaked robes, reaching out with a trembling hand to touch the wetness there. He pulled his hand away, covered in more blood. He felt dizzy…The entire world swayed dangerously and Harry swallowed hard.

"Where…ah…did the…blood come from?" Harry asked weakly, hoping Snape had slain some evil monster or another.

"Me, Potter," Snape replied, voice attempting sarcasm.

"But…" Harry said, reaching out to help him up. "We have to get you to the infirmary! Madam Pomfrey can help you!"

"Do not touch me! My arm is broken," Snape snarled, cringing as Harry's hands came close to his arm. Harry pulled back again and stared at Snape in alarm.

"You're bleeding a lot, Snape! We have to get you help," Harry said.

"I'll likely…be dead…before we reached the…castle," Snape explained.

"No!" Harry hissed. Dead. Snape couldn't die…Dead like his parents, like Ron, like Cedric…Harry hadn't fully accepted that Ron was gone, let alone having to lose Snape, too! Fear unlike anything he had experienced gripped him. He breathed deeply, quickly, feeling on the verge of hyperventilation. He couldn't do that, though…Not here and now when he had to help Snape. "No, we're going to get you help…"

"Harry," the man said, surprising Harry by the sound of his name, finally, falling from the man's thin lips. "Look at me," he whispered. Harry obeyed, feeling his heart breaking at the sight of those familiar black eyes, almost scared to look into them and see the light leave them…Terrified of seeing them as empty and lifeless as Ron's. And Cedric's. "I…love…you."

It should have been the happiest moment of his life…Like a dream come true. He had been dreaming about the man all year…Had known how deep his feelings were for months now…He had never expected to hear Snape say them. He felt a small burst of happiness, ruined by the incredible panic and pain that followed. Snape wouldn't be telling him this. Not unless he actually thought he was going to die…And even then it was hard to believe Snape would actually say them.

"I love you, too," Harry admitted, heart swelling up painfully and tears filling his eyes for the second time that day.

"Then go," Snape whispered. "Please," he whispered. "Please…go. Be…safe."

"No…I'm going to help you…I promise, you're going to be fine. Snape! Snape, stay awake! You're going to live and everything's going to be fine!" Harry said, anxiously pulling the potions out of his pocket. "Will any of these help you?"

Snape only chuckled weakly, his dark eyes fluttering shut. Harry figured that to mean he had asked a stupid question. If any of them could have helped, wouldn't Snape had taken one already? Harry dropped them to the forest floor and reached out to shake Snape. "Snape! Snape, open your eyes! Snape!" he yelled in a panic. His head bobbed from side to side a bit, but his eyes remained closed.

No. He could not be dead. Inside, Harry felt as though his heart and soul were being ripped to shreds mercilessly. His arms trembled lightly and tears were clouding his vision. "DUMBLEDORE!" Harry shouted. "PROFESSOR! PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE, HELP!" Harry screamed as loudly as he could. He scrambled to his feet and tried to clear his brain enough to perform any magic that might be useful. "PROFESSOR!" Harry continued to shout, not caring about what attention he was bringing to himself as he tried to pull Snape up, but he stumbled under the man's weight and carefully laid him back down. "Wing…Wingardium…" he began, his arm trembling as he pointed his wand at Snape, figuring he could use the Hover Charm to bring Snape back into the castle.

Before he could finish the spell, Snape was lifted off of the ground gracefully and Harry spun around to see Dumbledore there, an unconscious Umbridge levitating by his side. Harry watched as Snape glided slowly to Dumbledore's other side. Dumbledore didn't seem too surprised or angry to see him. "Let's go, Harry," Dumbledore said quietly. Harry nodded and anxiously followed after Dumbledore, Snape, and Umbridge. He felt weak, like he could barely keep himself moving, though he pushed through the dizziness and weakness to keep going. Now and then muscles in his leg would twitch violently enough to make him think he was going to fall, though he would grip a tree and managed to regain balance before following after the trio ahead of him.

Snape wasn't dead. He couldn't be dead. He wasn't dying…He was going to be fine, Harry told himself, wiping his bloodied hands on his pants. It had been a lot of blood, Harry thought to himself…His robes had been completely soaked. What had even happened to him? Who or what had done that to him? There were so many questions, so many things he wanted to know. His bright green eyes focused on the floating black figure, praying to any deity that existed that he would survive and be okay. He had never wanted anything so desperately in his life. But he couldn't lose someone else he loved. Harry would have gladly done anything…anything at all, to assure that Snape survived.

"Harry, you should return to Gryffindor Tower, my boy," Dumbledore said as they reached the doors to the castle.

"Sir, I can't! I…I want to be sure Snape will be okay," Harry said, trying to keep his voice steady. He swallowed hard.

"Professor Snape," Dumbledore corrected him. "And you can see him tomorrow morning. I really must insist that you go to bed now…You need your rest."

"Professor! I can't…I can't just go back there and just…wait! I…I need to be with him, please," Harry begged, wanting to reach out and grab him and beg and plead with him to let him be able to stay with Snape, honestly not caring what it looked like at this point.

Dumbledore was quiet for a moment as the doors opened for them and they stepped into the silent entrance hall. "I cannot permit you to wander around, especially bothering patients…You know how Madam Pomfrey can be," Dumbledore said. "I'll have to tell you to wait until a proper time." Harry frowned deeply, resisting the urge to snap before opening his mouth again, but Dumbledore beat him to it. "I do think you should wash up before bed, though…And I do hope you didn't leave that Cloak of yours in the forest."

The headmaster smiled, a kind twinkle in his blue eyes, though he seemed just as concerned as Harry as he led the two off to the infirmary. Harry stared after him for a moment before darting off to the nearest boy's bathroom. Clean up, he told himself…He didn't need Snape's blood on him or all of this dirt…And he needed to give Pomfrey time to look over Snape before he snuck in. She would heal him and he would be fine and everything would be perfect.

In the bathroom, Harry left his Cloak by the door and rushed to one of the sinks, turning on the faucet and letting the cold water run over his hands. He wanted to hurry…He felt too anxious to just stand here, but he couldn't go just yet. He needed to wait, he reminded himself. He lathered his hands up with lots of soap and focused on scrubbing himself clean instead, ignoring the way his arms still trembled.

Snape would be fine…

But what if he wasn't? What if he had been right…? What if he was gone, too? Harry thought of Ron, laying dead in the Department of Mysteries…He imagined Snape on that forest floor, staring up at him with those same dead eyes. He blinked furiously, trying to force the images to go away, but they haunted him, taunted him, tortured him. His arms shook harder and he scrubbed his hands harder, blinking away the tears that filled his eyes once again.

He began shaking his head furiously, refusing to believe any of it. They couldn't be dead. Two of the people he cared about most in the world…Ron couldn't be dead. Snape…Nothing could hurt Snape! He was strong and brilliant and powerful and…He couldn't' just bleed to death in the forest. No…He needed them far too much. This was all just a bad dream…A very horrible nightmare.

Harry grasped the sides of the sink when it became too much, choking back a sob. He held himself up by gripping the sink, quite sure his legs were ready to give out completely. He couldn't break down right now. There was no reason for it to hurt this much. No reason to feel pain at all.

It was fine.

Everything had to be just fine.

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**Author's Note: **Good news…Sirius is alive! Bad news…Ron isn't.

I'm not sure how some parts were, but I feel weird about just copying from Order of the Phoenix and I've done that enough, really, without going through a bunch of other stuff…so I summarized some things and especially the whole thing with the Department of Mysteries, I figured it was best to just offer up bits and pieces up until we get to Ron's death.

Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed it! Please review if you did, you know they make me happy! Lol. It didn't turn out as long as I thought it would, but it's still a pretty decent length, methinks.

On another note, I've nearly finished planning the sequel to this story (funny, since I'm not even halfway through writing this one). But I have many ideas and I like having it all worked out, so what the hell! I can promise Lost and Damned will have at least two sequels, but I'll let everyone know more about that later on.

Thanks so much everyone who has reviewed so far! Chapter title lyrics from "This is War" by 30 Seconds to Mars.


	29. It's the Perfect Denial

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_It's the Perfect Denial_

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Hermione didn't stop crying since she woke up. Harry had crept into the infirmary when Madam Pomfrey seemed to be done fussing over everyone…There had not been an opportune moment to enter until morning and visiting hours began. He only discovered, to his relief, that Snape was alive before Hermione woke up, sobbing and screaming for Ron. Harry's heart ached horribly for her and for himself and he crawled into bed with her (despite Pomfrey's glowering) and held her and comforted her the best he could. Now and then the sobbing would stop long enough to fall into coughs and hiccups and whimpers until she regained the energy to continue her wild sobbing. She hadn't seemed to run out of tears yet and her body trembled so horribly with the force of her crying that Harry actually worried she might fall apart. Harry held her close and rubbed her back, muttering things like "It'll be okay, Hermione" and other things that didn't really make sense. How could it be okay when they had both lost the person that meant so much to them?

Harry knew Hermione wasn't going to be the only one, but luckily Ginny remained unconscious for a while. Harry noticed Neville was awake after a few minutes, but he said nothing and only stared at the ceiling, cringing when Hermione's sobbing was at its worst and gazing sympathetically at the pair now and then. Luna awoke after a while to warn Hermione that her sobbing might attract some strange creature or another, though her tone and expression were far more serious and down to earth than Harry ever recalled, making Luna Lovegood seem almost like an entirely different person. Otherwise, she, too, remained quiet and read the latest addition of her father's magazine.

"Can't someone quiet her down?" demanded a frantic voice as the door opened. "My son should have peace and quiet while he's recovering!"

Hermione whimpered and hiccupped and forced herself to quiet down and they all watched as Narcissa Malfoy swept into the room. She wore long, pale blue robes and her blond hair was pulled up into a stylish bun, though several curls had fallen loose in the back and in the front. Her ice blue eyes immediately sought out her son and she ran to his side as if he were on his death bed. Draco, who Harry hadn't known was awake, merely raised his eyebrow at her dramatics. "Oh, Draco!" Narcissa exclaimed tearfully, throwing her arms around her son. Harry might have laughed at the pink tinge that filled his cheeks, but felt far too somber to allow any sort of lighthearted feelings or behaviors. "You're okay, then?"

"I'm fine, Mother," Draco assured her, running his hands through his pale blond hair and immediately his mother's hands joined his, messing with it enough to make him scrunch up his face.

"Are you sure? Were you hit by anything?" Narcissa asked, grasping his hands desperately.

"Aunt Bella gets a bit excited with her curses, you know," Draco said with a smirk. "Nothing too bad, though. I got hit in the crossfire a few times, but nothing really serious. Just a bit sore from all of that moving, you know, and Madam Pomfrey wants me to stay here so she can be sure-"

"Yes, you must stay here," Narcissa sniffed. "Oh, Draco, I couldn't bear it if anything happened to you! So, you be sure you're healthy and safe and be good and…Well, Draco," Narcissa said quietly, glancing over her shoulder before leaning in to whisper to him.

"His dad was arrested at the Ministry," Neville whispered to them. "Him and a few others, it was in the Prophet this morning."

Harry nodded and chanced another look in Draco's reaction. His mother was hugging him and he looked relieved. Harry smiled softly to himself. He wasn't sure how long Lucius Malfoy would be in Azkaban. The dementors weren't on their side anymore and considering how other Death Eaters had escaped just this year…It wouldn't be long before Lucius Malfoy was out. But for now, and hopefully all summer, Draco could enjoy a bit of freedom without his father ruining everything for him.

Narcissa Malfoy was not the only concerned and distraught parent to enter the infirmary that day. A half hour later she was still at Draco's side and the door opened again. Hermione, who had calmed down decently within the past fifteen minutes, gasped quietly, becoming rigid in Harry's arms. Harry hesitantly turned his eyes to the pale and grave looking Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. Arthur Weasley looked stunned while his wife had tears rolling down her cheeks that she was constantly wiping away, wearing a grin that looked more like a grimace, her entire body seeming as though she was struggling for control not to fall apart the way Hermione had earlier.

"Where's Ginny?" Molly Weasley asked, her voice high-pitched and cracking.

"Over here, Mrs. Weasley," Hermione said, her voice sounding very much like Mrs. Weasley's and Harry frowned and kissed the top of her head as tears started falling again.

Mrs. Weasley rushed to Ginny's side, clinging to her and crying quietly. Mr. Weasley followed slowly, stopping long enough to pat Harry's shoulder and offer Hermione a small hug before standing behind his daughter and wife, seeming as though he, too, might soon fall victim to tears.

"Is she alright?" Mrs. Weasley half sobbed.

"She'll be fine, Mrs. Weasley," Pomfrey said, walking up to them. "Just gave her a strong sleeping potion…She needs rest to heal and…Well…She was in quite a state when they brought her in."

It didn't take Ginny long to wake up under the heavy hugging and petting and crying over her mother. Ginny seemed irritated the first few moments before it all seemed to crash back down upon her. Her face crumpled and she clung to her mother just as tightly as Mrs. Weasley was hanging onto her. Mr. Weasley stood behind them for a while before hugging both of his girls. Harry just watched the proceedings, his jaw set tight and the strange feeling in his chest that he might break down with them at any moment and reminding himself that he didn't have the right. It was his fault their son was dead…Now and then he looked away, barely able to stomach looking at them when he felt so guilty. Hermione buried her face in his shoulder, crying quietly and shaking gently, though she seemed unwilling to attract too much attention to herself now, too aware of her actions and Harry could sense the struggle she dealt with

More than anything, Harry wanted to go find Snape…Selfishly, he wanted to escape this sorrow and remind himself that something good had happened. Snape had survived. He had lost a lot of blood and had been in an awful state the time Dumbledore had gotten him to Madam Pomfrey. They managed, though, and Snape had been asleep in a far corner of the room ever since. Harry longed to curl up beside him and hold him close and remind himself that he had survived and that everything was okay, allowing himself some sense of comfort and warmth and happiness remembering the words Snape had told him. That he loved him. Harry wanted to be there when the man woke up…To tell him he loved him again and assure him how happy he was that he was okay and thank him for doing so much to try to save him and help Sirius and everything else he needed to express to the man.

It felt wrong to leave his friends like this, though, and he knew he deserved to be put through this. It would seem odd if he abandoned his friends in favor of going over to see Snape, anyway. So for several hours, Harry sat with Hermione and talked to Neville and comforted Hermione when she needed him. He tried not to bring too much attention to himself, wanting the Weasleys to have some time together and not intrude upon them. Fred and George arrived right before lunch and Bill came along an hour or so after that.

"He died a hero," Mr. Weasley said, trying to sound strong.

"My poor, brave boy!" sobbed Mrs. Weasley.

"Oh God," Hermione whimpered, curling up against Harry.

"Th…Thank you…Thank you both so much," Mrs. Weasley said to them, sniffling. "You two were…Always so…so wonderful to him. His best friends…He got himself into some trouble, didn't he? But you were both always so good to him…Such wonderful friends. And Hermione…Oh he loved you, dear…You…well, you both…made the last bit of his life very happy and very good. I want you to know that…Oh, you'll both always be like children to me," sobbed Mrs. Weasley. "My poor Ronnie!"

"Oh, Mrs. Weasley!" an emotional Hermione exclaimed. She slid out of bed and hugged the red haired woman and Harry just frowned as Ginny joined them. Ginny had never been overly emotional and it was so strange seeing her so prone to tears today, even if it was such a sad occasion.

The rest of the day went by in a similar manner. Harry stayed by Hermione and only moved to comfort Ginny when the Weasleys went to go speak with Dumbledore and Hermione was taking a nap. He let Mrs. Weasley cry and hug him for a while and smiled painfully through all of their kind words that felt like they were ripping his heart to shreds. He didn't feel that he deserved their kindness or their love or their anything. He didn't even dare let himself mourn his best friend properly, feeling he was better suited for comforting those around him. Often, though, his eyes would wander to that bed Snape occupied in the far corner of the room.

All of his classmates were released later that day and they attended a memorial for Ron in the Great Hall that had many people in tears. Harry felt his own eyes burning with wetness, letting Hermione and Ginny huddle close on either side of him and escorting them back to Gryffindor Tower when it was all over. Once they were in bed, he ducked under his Invisibility Cloak and left. He didn't want to face the questions or the stares of those around him. He didn't want to talk about Ron or the Ministry or anything else.

Instead he sneaked into the infirmary, surprised to see that Draco was back in his bed. Harry frowned, wondering what had happened to him, but the blond was fast asleep. Harry instead moved over to that corner of the room he had longed to visit since last night. For some reason he slowed down the nearer he got, his heart racing in his chest and he licked his lips. He moved closer and closer, almost afraid to find something badly had happened since last night. He was worried about what he might find in that bed…He relaxed a bit when he saw Snape's face…Clean and sallow as ever and even his black hair looked to be softer and cleaner than usual. Harry reached out to gently touch one of the normally greasy strands and played with it between his fingers while his eyes slowly moved down. His body was covered entirely as it always was and Harry reached down, gently pulling back the sleeves of his shirt, relaxed to find the only thing marring his arms was the Dark Mark and a few long, pale scars. His arm seemed to have been mended. Hesitantly he lifted the shirt up over his chest, almost afraid to find him still bleeding profusely from his chest or stomach, but only found more long, pale scars marring his flesh. None of them looked fresh and it seemed as though he really was fine. Reluctantly he pulled his hand away and tugged the man's shirt back down where it properly belonged.

"I love you," Harry whispered quietly, leaning down to press soft kisses to his cheek and his thin lips and his long, hooked nose. There were no chairs around and Harry was too nervous to conjure one up, so instead he kneeled down beside the bed and held one of Snape's hands tightly in both of his, pressing his lips to the fingers and knuckles and the top of his hand and to his palm now and then. It was late…But Harry didn't feel remotely tired. He would have been more than happy to spend the entire night, the entire week, an entire month by the man's side.

He was alive, and Harry often reminded himself of the fact by checking his pulse or resting his cheek on his chest for a few minutes to listen to and feel his heart beating. It felt wrong to be happy about anything when Ron was dead, but he couldn't help but feel so grateful and happy that Snape was still here. Harry nearly lost him…That thought had been more terrifying than anything Harry could remember.

"I love you so much," he whispered, kissing his chest.

Harry must have been there for hours, he thought, and he didn't mind the quiet or the nothingness, as he enjoyed everything he was doing with the sleeping Snape right now. He was almost surprised to hear the man's hoarse voice whisper, "Potter," after a while. His head shot up and he jumped to his feet, looking down at him anxiously.

"Snape," Harry breathed, eyes wide with excitement, though he wasn't sure what to say. "How are you feeling?"

"Awful," he rasped, black eyes blinking a few times before narrowing at Harry. "Why are you here?"

"I wanted to see you," Harry whispered with a frown.

"Now why would you want to do a thing like that?" Snape muttered, shifting a bit and grunting where he laid.

"Because I love you," Harry whispered cautiously, wondering if Snape had even remembered what had taken place in the forest. He tensed up a bit at the thought.

"Potter-" Snape growled, but stopped, something flashing in his eyes before he closed them and rubbed his temples. "Dear Merlin…"

"Snape-" Harry began.

"Professor," Snape hissed, correcting him. "Or sir, if you'd prefer."

Harry glared at him and stepped back, folding his arms over his chest. "Sir, then. I-"

"You what?" Snape hissed, that look in his eyes daring Harry to say it.

"Don't do this. Don't pretend you don't know," Harry grumbled.

"I do not know what you mean, Potter."

"You love me."

Silence.

Harry shifted on his feet, but didn't back down, staring at Snape defiantly. His pulse was racing and while the excitement of anger boiled up in him, he felt his heart sink. He had a bad feeling he knew where this was headed.

"I have no idea what gave you that impression, Potter, but I assure you that I do not love you. I do not love anyone. Now get such foolish, romantic ideas out of your head."

"You told me you loved me," Harry reminded him.

"You are mistaken," Snape hissed. "I could never love a self-absorbed, fame-hungry, reckless, foolhardy brat such as yourself."

Harry laughed bitterly. "Of course not. That's why I distinctly remember you telling me you love me. We can ask for Dumbledore's Pensieve, if you'd like to see it."

Snape glared at him. "Whatever I may have said when I was dying, Potter, cannot be taken seriously. I lost a lot of blood and while I do not remember much, I assure you that if I said such a thing, it is far from the truth. I apologize for misleading you."

"You did not mislead me!" Harry snapped, his voice louder and echoing in the dark room. "You called me Harry and you told me that you loved me. The way you were…the state you were in…You'd be more honest than anything. You thought you were dying! Why lie about something like that?"

"I do not know, Potter, as I hardly recall anything from that time," Snape hissed. "I assure you, though, the very last emotion I feel for you is love, Potter. I despise you just as I despised your father and have always despised you. If you confuse loathing for love, you will have quite an interesting life ahead of you. If you would please keep your insanity far from me, I would very much appreciate it."

Harry gritted his teeth, hating the way his eyes filled with tears again, but he held them back. Hadn't he been through enough already, without Snape doing this to him? Doubts crept into Harry's mind, but he ignored them. Snape loved him…Harry knew he did. There was no way Snape was going to convince him otherwise. "You can make me hate you all you want," Harry whispered after a long moment. "And you're doing a pretty good job…But it won't make this go away between us. Keep lying to yourself and keep lying to me, if you want, but I know the truth, Snape," Harry hissed, spinning around and storming out of the infirmary, not really sure what to do with himself.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor!" Snape hissed after him.

He was a complete git! Nothing new about that, Harry thought bitterly, muscles tensing and loosening as he resisted the urge to punch and kick the stone walls. His jaw tightened and his fingers clenched into fists. He was furious. But most of all, he was hurt. This was what he got, though, wasn't it? Life couldn't just be simple and easy for once in his life, could it?

Couldn't expect much from Snape, though. Harry knew the man wasn't in the best of situations. Harry was fifteen…The age thing and their positions as teacher and students were facts Harry was forgetting more and more often these days. Snape could probably be sent to Azkaban if they did anything…Everyone would surely call him a pervert or a pedophile or other bad things. Harry frowned deeply. Not to mention that they were gay and that was apparently very much frowned upon in the Wizarding world…

Harry sighed, reluctantly calming down as he neared the tower. It was a bit complicated, wasn't it? He couldn't blame Snape for pushing him away, could he? Not knowing how messed up the whole situation was…

Didn't make it hurt any less.

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"Do you? Love him, I mean?"

Draco's voice was quiet, but in the silent room it rang out loud and clear. Severus lifted his head, black eyes narrowed at his godson. Of course he would be awake and eavesdropping at half past two in the morning. The very last conversation he needed to hear. Severus glanced around at the other occupants of the room, only spotting Dolores Umbridge fast asleep and twitching violently every minute or so.

"No," Severus lied easily.

Draco said nothing for a moment and all Severus could hear was him shifting in bed. "I don't know if I should believe that or not."

Severus snorted. "Believe what you will, Draco."

Draco sighed quietly. "So…you're in love with Harry Potter."

Severus gritted his teeth. "Do not be ridiculous, Draco. He is fifteen. I cannot possibly be in love with a child."

Draco chuckled. "Oh, you know all they say about love. It knows no bounds…It's a very powerful thing. It comes when you least expect it. Blah, blah, blah." Draco snorted a bit and shifted around in bed again until he was sitting up more, looking over at Severus. "There are plenty of reasons a relationship would be a bad idea, but we both know you'd do your damnedest to find excuses to not let it work out."

"What does it matter? Enlighten me, please, Draco. Let's say, hypothetically, that it was true. What difference would it make? You said so yourself…There are plenty of reasons feelings for Potter are a bad idea."

"Age, teacher/student relationships, being gay," Draco listed off, sighing heavily. "Blah, blah, blah. None of that will stop a Gryffindor, though. Certainly not Harry Potter."

Severus frowned deeply and stared up at the dark ceiling. That was one of the biggest obstacles he was going to have to face…Dealing with Potter and his silly notions of love and bravery and other such ridiculous Gryffindor morals. Rules didn't mean anything…What people saw didn't mean anything as long as it was what was right and as wrong as it was, Potter would find some way to make it a sin to deny their feelings or something else remarkably dimwitted.

"I am no stranger to earning the hatred of the student body, Draco," Severus assured him.

"Yeah," Draco said distractedly. "Only…I dunno…You're a spy, Severus…You're rather good at lying and hiding things, aren't you? Why couldn't you…I dunno…"

His black eyes flashed and he sat up in bed a bit, glowering at his godson. "I will not conduct myself in inappropriate behavior with a student because it satisfies my needs and because I can get away with it. I am not a pedophile, Draco. Not everyone is your father. I do not find enjoyment in using the innocence and naivety of youth to satiate my desires. Harry Potter is a fifteen year old boy! He doesn't know what love is, even if he thinks he has such feelings for me. Every young person likes to think they know what love is. I've heard fifteen year old couples discussing marriage and children before. It is mind-boggling and very idiotic. Potter will get over his 'heartbreak' soon enough and I will not let myself become entangled with some boy who will have a new infatuation before long."

Draco looked like he might disagree, but he said nothing and merely settled back into his bed.

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There were only a few more days left of school, but Harry and Hermione and Ginny would not be there. Harry was immensely grateful for it…After last night, he wasn't sure he could bare to face Snape again just yet. At the same time, knowing he wouldn't be seeing the man for another two months left him feeling strange. Like it was wrong to be away from him for so long.

It was at least two months worth of time Harry could figure everything out. Harry would leave thoughts of his relationship with Snape for later on. Instead he packed his things sighed heavily as he eyed the black mourning robes laid out on his bed. They would be taking the Floo from Dumbledore's office soon to head to the Burrow where the funeral would take place that afternoon. His best friend's funeral…He knew he was sad…Feeling oddly empty and depressed…But he didn't feel as sad as he should. It was almost as if he hadn't fully accepted that it was real yet…Like he still partially expected Ron to open his eyes at any moment and say that it hadn't been real, explaining it away as some joke or potion or spell or something gone wrong and everything would be fine.

Grabbing his trunk and Hedwig's cage, Harry headed downstairs, pausing at the end of the staircase to watch Hermione and Ginny. The girls were huddled together on the couch, staring at the fireplace. Both were dressed in black dresses with their hair done in neat, matching braids. Hermione had her head resting on Ginny's shoulder while the red haired girl rested her cheek on top of Hermione's head. Their cheeks were shiny with tears and now and then he saw a fresh one roll down one of their cheeks. Both looked calmer than they had yesterday, but the sorrow was so full in both of their eyes that Harry could hardly bear to look into either of their faces, fearing it might just break his heart to do so. How was it they looked so strong in their vulnerability? So beautiful in their heartache? It was strange, Harry supposed, but that's what he thought they looked like. Strong…They were both strong, despite how awfully their emotions were tearing at them.

"Erm," Harry said, immediately feeling strange for interrupting them. "We uh…we should go soon, I think."

"Soon," Ginny agreed in a whisper, though neither girl looked like they might move anytime soon. Harry left his things at the bottom of the staircase and walked over to them, watching them slowly part, allowing him the spot between them, both laying their heads on his shoulders while he wrapped his arms around them, holding them close and allowing their tears to wet his neck and his robes, even daring allowing a tear or two to escape himself. If anyone else came into the common room, the three of them didn't notice, too wrapped up in their own world of mutual grief and stealing comfort from one another.

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**Author's Note:** Okay so this is the end of part one! I hope everyone likes it and will keep reading! Thanks so much for the reviews so far! Keep it up, please! You know I love hearing from you.

Chapter title lyrics from my current favorite song, "A Beautiful Lie" by 30 Seconds to Mars.


	30. Will You Swear on Your Life

**LOST AND DAMNED**

**Part Two**

_Will You Swear on Your Life_

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Draco couldn't help but wrinkle his nose as they Apparated straight into a run down wasteland of a Muggle neighborhood. Everything was so dreary and old and broken here. Draco frowned and cringed as his mother's tight grip on his arm tightened further as she stalked along after him. He sighed heavily as a cracking sound behind them alerted them to the presence of his Aunt Bellatrix. Narcissa Malfoy ignored her sister and Draco tried his best to walk tall and proud despite being dragged around by his mother in such a cheap and awful place. Did his godfather really live here? Draco had never been to visit Severus at his own home in his life. Normally, when Draco had seen Severus during his childhood it had been at Malfoy Manor or a fine home of another wealthy pureblood family. Certainly never in this godforsaken area. His parents surely would not have allowed it.

"Wait! Cissy, wait!" Aunt Bella was calling.

"Go back, Bella!" his mother was saying.

Draco sighed heavily, listening to his mother and aunt bicker the entire way there. Aunt Bella didn't trust Severus and Mother did and even brought up that the Dark Lord did. It was no secret that Severus was steadily becoming the Dark Lord's new favorite. Aunt Bella made an awful lot of nasty comments directed towards Severus's "tainted" blood, the fact that he lived in such poverty, and the fact that he was gay. Draco highly suspected most of Aunt Bella's frustration was because she was jealous of Severus for gaining such favor from the Dark Lord recently. He had abandoned the Dark Lord when he fell, she said. He was a coward, she said (and Draco certainly hoped she didn't utter _that_ word in the man's presence). He was a lot of things. Mother didn't defend him much, but Draco knew she wasn't being swayed by her sister's words. She trusted Severus deeply, he knew. He was practically family, close enough to the Malfoys that Narcissa and Lucius both looked over his severe "faults", as they liked to call them. Draco figured nowadays he had a better understanding of his father's acceptance of the man, and it didn't sit well with Draco at all.

At least, for now, Lucius Malfoy was rotting away in Azkaban and Draco had been free of him thus far this summer.

Unfortunately, the absence of his father hadn't made for a great summer…It only made everything a bit more bearable. Not even a week after school ended there was much talk of Draco joining the Dark Lord. Draco didn't want to, really, but he had to. Despite his hatred for his father, he did still love him and didn't really want anything too awful to happen to him…And then his poor mother…With his father's failure, it now rested upon Draco to protect his family. It was also, as Severus pointed out, a good plan to help spy on the Death Eaters, to pick up what Severus himself might miss. Severus didn't much like the idea, but aware that there was little that could be done, he at least shed some good light upon it. Draco hated himself for the Dark Mark he wore on his arm now and hated the person he had to be. He especially hated the very reason they were coming to visit Severus today.

They reached a house near the end of Spinner's End. A small, brick house that was as old and worn as the other houses, though far nicer. The yard was cut and neat and the windows were not broken and looked far cleaner, though mostly smudged and impossible to see through, as though it would take a bit more cleaning before it would be clear. How anyone could live here, Draco had no idea. He finally managed to yank free from his mother's grasp and scowled as he followed her up to the front door. He didn't want to be here and didn't want her to do this, but he figured he had a better chance of knowing things and fixing things if he was present.

His mother knocked on the door and Aunt Bella was right behind her, cursing under her breath. Draco wrinkled his nose at the awful smell in the air and wrapped his cloak more securely around himself. After a moment the door creaked open. The light that came through was dim and the tall, dark figure of his godfather was barely visible. The door suddenly opened more fully when Severus saw who it was. "Narcissa! What a pleasant surprise!"

"Severus," his mother whispered. "May I speak with you? It's urgent."

"But of course," Severus assured her, standing back and eying each person as they stepped through. The front door led directly into a tiny sitting room that surprised Draco. It was _small_. Draco doubted any of the rooms at Malfoy Manor, including closets, were this small! The walls were entirely covered by books, mostly bound by old black or brown leather. That didn't surprise Draco much. There was a threadbare sofa, an old armchair, and a rickety table grouped together beneath a pool of dim light cast by a candle in the lamp hung from the ceiling.

Severus gestured for them to sit on the sofa. Draco sat beside his mother, a complaint of discomfort on the tip of his tongue, though he bit it back. Any other person he would have completely torn them apart, pointing out every awful flaw. Considering this was Severus, Draco couldn't be so disrespectful. He only frowned and sighed in irritation when his mother scooted closer to him and he felt Aunt Bellatrix come up to stand behind them.

"So, what can I do for you?" Severus asked, settling himself in the armchair across from the three.

"We…we are alone, aren't we?" Narcissa asked quietly.

"Yes, of course. Well, Wormtail's here, but we're not counting vermin, are we?"

He pointed his wand at the wall of books behind him and with a bang a hidden door flew open. A narrow staircase was revealed and a small man stood there frozen. Draco wrinkled his nose at the sight of Peter Pettigrew. That piece of trash looked like he belonged in a place such as this. The man crept down the last few steps and into the room. His small, watery eyes lit up when he saw them and his lips pulled back over crooked, yellow teeth into an awful grin.

"Narcissa!" he said in a squeaky voice. "Young Draco! And Bellatrix! How charming-"

"Wormtail will get us drinks, if you'd like them," Severus said. "And then he will return to his bedroom."

Wormtail winced. "I am not your servant!"

"Really? I was under the impression that the Dark Lord placed you here to assist me."

"To assist, yes! But not to make you drinks and clean your home!"

"I had no idea, Wormtail, that you were craving more dangerous assignments," Severus said silkily. "This can be easily arranged: I shall speak to the Dark Lord-"

"I can speak to him myself if I want to!"

"Of course you can," Severus said sneering. "But in the meantime, bring us drinks. Some of the elf-made wine will do."

Wormtail looked prepared to argue, but ended up turning and obediently heading through a second hidden door. There was a lot of banging and the clinking of glasses. Within seconds he was back, carrying a dusty bottle and four glasses upon the tray. He dropped them gracelessly on the rickety table and scurried from their presence, slamming the book covered door closed behind him. Severus, meanwhile, poured the wine into the glasses and handed them to the three in front of him before settling back with his own.

"The Dark Lord," he said, raising his glass and draining it. The sisters copied him, but Draco only took a small sip of his. Severus went to refill their glasses. As she took her second drink, Narcissa said in a rush, "Severus, I'm sorry to come here like this, but I had to see you…I think you're the only one who can help me-"

Severus held up his hand to stop her and then pointed his wand at the concealed door that Wormtail had gone through. There was a loud bang and a squeal and the sound of Wormtail scurrying back upstairs.

"My apologies," Severus said. "He has taken to listening at doors. I do not know what he means by it…You were saying, Narcissa?"

She took a great, shuddering breath and started again. "Severus, I know I ought not to be here. I have been told to say nothing to anyone, but-"

"Then you ought to hold your tongue!" snarled Bellatrix. "Particularly in present company."

"Mother, just stop," Draco sighed. "_Please_."

"'Present company'?" repeated Severus sardonically. "And what I am I to understand by that, Bellatrix?"

Draco just sighed, wishing he could tell his Aunt Bella to just keep her trap shut. She didn't really need to be such a bitch, did she? Bellatrix went on about how she didn't trust Severus and Draco settled down and sipped more at his wine with a deep frown, zoning out as they argued. Severus demanded to know the reasons behind Bellatrix's mistrust and for everything Bellatrix gave, Severus had an argument, an excuse. Draco, meanwhile, did his best to think of the best way out of this.

Finally, Severus and Bellatrix seemed through with their argument. He turned to Draco's mother, instead. "Now…You came to ask me for help, Narcissa?"

"We don't need help," Draco finally said as his mother opened her mouth.

Bellatrix grinned smugly. "Listen to your son, Cissy! He understands!"

"Hush," Narcissa whispered pleadingly before turning her eyes to Severus. "Yes, Severus, I…I think you're the only one who can help me. I have no where to turn and with Lucius in jail…And…and…" Fat tears began rolling down her lovely, pale face. "The Dark Lord has forbidden me to speak of it," Narcissa continued. "He wishes none to know of the plan. It is…very secret. But-"

"If it is forbidden, you ought now speak. The Dark Lord's word is law."

Narcissa gasped and Bellatrix seemed satisfied. Draco didn't relax just yet.

"There! Even Snape says so: You were told not to talk, so hold your silence!" Bellatrix exclaimed.

"It just so happens that I know of the plan," Severus said, his dark eyes drifting over to Draco. "I am one of the few the Dark Lord has told. Nevertheless, had I not been in on the secret, Narcissa, you would have been guilty of great treachery to the Dark Lord."

"I thought you must know!" Narcissa said, seeming relieved now. "He trusts you so, Severus."

"You know about the plan?" Bellatrix said, her satisfied expression turning furious. "_You_ know?"

"Certainly," said Severus. "But what help do you require, Narcissa? If you are imagining I can persuade the Dark Lord to change his mind, I am afraid there is no hope, none at all."

"Severus," she whispered, tears falling again. "My son…My only son…"

"Mother, quit! I'm fine…I'll be fine!" Draco exclaimed.

"Draco should be proud," Bellatrix added, her long fingers stroking through Draco's pale blond hair. Draco wrinkled his nose, but forced himself to relax beneath her touch. "The Dark Lord is granting him a great honor. And I will say this for Draco, he isn't shrinking away from his duty. He seems glad of a chance to prove himself."

"I am!" Draco said in exasperation. "It is…It's a true wish come true, Mother," Draco said, his voice strong despite his own fears. He wasn't really happy for it, but he had to play his role well. "He has asked no others my age! Has taken no others my age into his inner circle. I am very proud, Mother, and you should stop trying to mess this up!"

"You're sixteen!" Narcissa wailed. "You have no idea…none…! Severus, why my son? It is too dangerous! This is vengeance for Lucius's mistake, I know it!"

Severus said nothing, only looking away from her.

"That's why he's chosen Draco, isn't it?" she persisted. "To punish Lucius?"

"If Draco succeeds, he will be honored above all others," Severus said.

"But he won't succeed!" sobbed Narcissa. "How can he, when the Dark Lord himself-?"

Bellatrix gasped. Draco groaned. "Mother! I can and I will do this!"

"Hush, Draco! You are being ridiculous!" Narcissa shrieked. "You are a child!"

"I'm sixteen! The Dark Lord…The greatest wizard of all time…Thinks I can do this! Who cares if he's doing this to punish Father? I can do this! And when I do, the Malfoys will be great again! Your lack of faith is insulting!"

"Oh, Draco," crooned Narcissa. "I love you, my darling son! You are such a smart and talented boy with such a bright future!" she insisted, choking back a sob. "You have such promise…But this? I will not have your future robbed from you! I will not let you put your life at risk before you have the chance to live it! You will not die before me, Draco Lucius Malfoy!"

"I will _not die_, Mother! Now stop! You're embarrassing me," Draco muttered, turning away from her and her tears, feeling his heart break for her. He hated seeing her so upset, but he had to do this. He _had_ to.

"S…Severus, please!" Narcissa begged, turning to Severus again. "You are Draco's godfather! Lucius's old friend…My dear friend…the Dark Lord's most trusted advisor…Will you speak to him…?"

"The Dark Lord will not be persuaded," Severus warned her.

"You could do it!" Narcissa exclaimed desperately. "_You_ could do it instead of Draco! Severus. You would succeed. Of course you would! And he would reward you above all others!"

"He intends me to do it in the end, I think," Severus said slowly. Draco's eyes narrowed at him and turned from his godfather to his mother. "But he is determined that Draco should try first. You see, in the unlikely event that Draco succeeds, I shall be able to remain at Hogwarts a little longer, fulfilling my useful role as a spy-"

"Unlikely?" Draco snorted. He knew it was a ludicrous idea, but it was still insulting that everyone had so little faith in his abilities.

"In other words, it doesn't matter to him if Draco is killed!"

"The Dark Lord is very angry," Severus admitted. "He failed to hear the prophecy. You know as well as I do, Narcissa, that he does not forgive easily."

Narcissa's face crumpled and her arms snaked around Draco's neck, pulling him close. Draco resisted the urge to snap at her for being so clingy and awful. "My son…my only son…"

"You should be proud!" Bellatrix said. "If I had sons, I would be glad to give them up to the service of the Dark Lord."

Narcissa let out a scream of despair and held Draco tighter.

"Mother!" Draco exclaimed, horrified and embarrassed.

"Cissy!" Bellatrix sighed.

"Narcissa, that's enough! Drink your wine and calm down," Severus said soflty. She hiccupped and grasped at her glass and took a hesitant sip. "It might be possible…for me to help Draco," Severus said after a moment.

"No!" Draco exclaimed.

"Severus!" Narcissa gasped gratefully. "Oh Severus, would you?"

"I could try," Severus said.

Narcissa flung away her glass and moved around the table and sank to her knees at Severus's feet. Draco groaned and turned his head away in disgust. "If you are there to protect him…Severus, will you swear it? Will you make the Unbreakable Vow?"

Draco's eyes grew wide. "Really? Mother, please! Stop this! This is…this is ridiculous!"

"Certainly, Narcissa," Severus said and Draco sank back into the cushions of the sofa, glowering at his godfather. So they were just going to ignore him, then? "Perhaps your sister will consent to being our Bonder?"

Draco glared as Bellatrix, stunned, joined the pair and performed the ritual. He watched as thin tongues of brilliant flame slid out of Bellatrix's wand to wrap around their clasped hands. His stomach sank as he watched the proceedings. Draco didn't want to die, but he certainly didn't want this…He had to succeed. Draco had to protect his family and Severus had to remain as a spy…Or what the Dark Lord thought was his spy. Draco wasn't that useful…Not enough to be alone at Hogwarts playing such a role. He wasn't even that involved with them! He didn't want his godfather at risk, either. It was safer and better for him to just do it. He hadn't wanted any of this, but he didn't want this taken from him, either. He had a bad feeling the consequences would be dire. Wouldn't the Dark Lord find some way to blame him even if Severus entirely took over his task?

When it was all said and done, Narcissa looked joyous and grateful and relieved as she sank back down beside Draco, who pushed her away halfheartedly. "I hope you're both pleased with yourselves," Draco grumbled.

"Stop being a child, Draco. Since you claim that you are mature enough to handle this," Severus scolded.

Draco glared at him and folded his arms over his chest. "Mother, may I stay here with Severus for the rest of the summer?"

Narcissa froze and frowned deeply, her icy blue eyes snapping towards Severus. Bellatrix gasped and began demanding why Draco would want to stay in such an awful place with such a terrible half blooded homosexual. "He might even try to touch you, Draco," Bellatrix finished, glowering at Severus.

Draco tried not to cringe and bit back any comments about his father that were tempting. "Severus can train me," Draco carried on. "Maybe then you'll have more faith in me…That I _can_ do this."

"I trust Severus," Narcissa whispered quietly. "Would you mind, Severus…?"

"Mind? Of course not! He will molest your son, Narcissa!"

"Quiet, Bellatrix! You are being very rude!" Narcissa scolded.

"Rude? You're the one willing to surrender your son to some disgusting half blooded faggot who will spoil your beautiful, pure son!" Bellatirx snarled.

"No offense, but I have little carnal interest in Draco," Severus said dryly. Draco could sense the deep anger burning in Severus's dark eyes and wished that Bellatrix would just shut up.

"I want to stay," Draco insisted.

"Draco!" Bellatrix exclaimed.

"He may stay," Severus said quietly.

"Thank you, Severus," Narcissa said quietly, though she didn't seem nearly as thrilled as she had when Severus had made the Unbreakable Vow. "Come along, let us not disturb Severus further. We can…pack your things, Draco."

"Very well, Mother," Draco said, standing. "I will see you later, Severus."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

With Narcissa, Bellatrix, and Draco gone, Severus returned to his potions laboratory to continue his work. He supposed he would have to report to Albus soon with tonight's developments, but he was hoping to have a bit more to provide by that time. There wasn't much hope for the curse contained to Albus's hand, but Severus had hopes he could find some sort of curse…_something_ to extend his life, maybe. He knew it would cause a bit of trouble with their plans, but Severus was sure something could be done. Hogwarts needed Albus…Hell, the entirety of the Wizarding World needed Albus Dumbledore. Still, even having been researching for the past week, he couldn't find much hope except to maybe give Albus a little more time than Severus had given him when he first called Severus to his office.

Severus spent a good few hours in his labs, pouring over books and theories as he thought of Albus's blackened, cursed hand. Eventually there was a loud knock outside of the door. "Snape! Young Draco has arrived!" Wormtail called out.

"Very well. Tell him to wait in the living room," Severus called out. He groaned in frustration at the lack of progress and reluctantly put his things away, locking away his journal and his books as an extra precaution before walking out of the lab and putting more security charms around the room. He didn't trust Wormtail at all, and found he was required to take such measures with many things in his own home to keep Wormtail from snooping in the wrong places and finding the wrong things.

When he was done he headed into the living room where Draco was waiting, brooding, on the couch surrounded by his trunks. Severus had no idea why the boy wanted to stay with him, especially since he looked so miserable at the moment. Severus didn't dare bring it up now, though, not wanting to have to worry about Wormtail eavesdropping again. "Come. I'll show you to your room," Severus said, flicking his wand so that the trunks would follow them. He walked ahead to the hidden door and led the way upstairs to a narrow hallway, leading Draco to the spare bedroom. It wasn't much…Certainly nothing the pampered Draco Malfoy was used to and nothing he would appreciate. It was a tiny, simple room with only a bed and a dresser. Severus sent the trunks to stack up neatly on one wall. Draco walked in behind him and stood in the middle of the room, facing away from Severus while Severus closed the door and cast a few privacy charms.

"Why are you here, Draco?" Severus asked bluntly.

"I already said. You can train me, can't you? You train Harry," Draco said, slowly turning around, staring at Severus through suspicious eyes.

"Of course, I _can_ train you," Severus said impatiently. "I'm sure your dear Auntie Bellatrix would be pleased to tutor you. In fact, I daresay there are plenty of people willing to help you, Draco."

"No one I really trust," Draco muttered, folding his arms over his chest.

"Your father is in prison, Draco."

"I _know_ that," Draco grumbled. "He could be set free any time, though, you realize," Draco pointed out. "That's not it, though. Severus…Honestly, I don't much like being around Mother right now. Most importantly, though, I really do want to learn. I want to be able to do this…I don't want you to have to. I don't want anyone else to have to. I won't let anything happen to you or my parents or anyone I care about. I don't _want_ to be a murderer…Let alone be the murderer of Albus Dumbledore…But this is my duty, just like you have all of your duties."

"One of those duties is to protect you, Draco," Severus pointed out.

"Oh come off it!" Draco snapped. "At least try. At least give me the chance to make this work."

Severus frowned and looked at his godson. He stood tall and determined, though with all of his improved acting, he couldn't quite disguise that unmistakable look of fear in his silvery eyes. He was so willing to do this, something he hated and something he feared…For his family. Severus was almost proud of him, if he wasn't so irritated by his foolishness and his unwillingness to just step aside and be cooperative and let him help. He had grown up a bit, hadn't he? Not nearly so selfish and pathetic as he had been in his youth.

"I will teach you with what time we have left, Draco," Severus agreed. "But in exchange, I expect you to be honest with me and come to me with any help you may need with this project. You need not do this alone."

"Fine," Draco agreed reluctantly, relaxing a bit and sitting down on the bed. "This place is awful, by the way."

Severus smirked dryly. "Not everyone can be a Malfoy, Draco."

"Yes, yes, I know," Draco said, laying back into the flat pillows. "Speaking of Harry Potter and his lessons…What _will_ you be doing about him this year?"

_Avoiding him like the plague, I imagine_, Severus thought to himself. "Hopefully things will be able to return to normal between Potter and I," Severus said instead.

Draco smirked. "Is normal before or after you discovered your feelings for one another?"

"Now is not the time, Draco," Severus said, his tone warning. The last thing he wanted to do was think about Harry Potter. His mind had been occupied throughout the summer so far and the last thing he needed was to be reminded of the things that had taken place last year.

"I think it's the perfect time," Draco argued. "C'mon, Severus. You've been miserable your whole life, you might as well take the chance you have to be happy. Why should anything else matter? Screw laws and morals and popular opinion…Like I said, you're a terrific triple agent. If you can lie to the Dark Lord, why not lie to everyone else? Have a little fun."

Severus's fists clenched. "You have never said anything more offending to me in your life, Draco," Severus snarled, startling the boy. "I do not care what has changed. Feelings are not the only thing that matters. I will not take something just because I can. I will not surrender to physical desires or cravings of the heart for anything. The fact of the matter is that he is a boy and I am a grown man. There are a great number of things wrong with the entire situation. I will not entertain such immoral ideas, regardless of what you say or how Potter feels. Not for any reason. And this is the last I wish to hear on the subject, Draco. Do I make myself clear?"

Draco was quiet a moment before slowly nodding. "Of course, Severus. My apologies."

Severus nodded curtly, trying to ignore the uneasiness in his stomach and in his heart. "Make yourself comfortable…Try to avoid Wormtail if you can. I'll let you know when supper is ready. We can begin our lessons after we eat."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Notes:** And here we begin Part 2! This part of the story takes place during _The Half Blood Prince_ and will contain some lines and events from the sixth book. I hope everyone's enjoying so far! Thank you so much everyone who has reviewed!

And sorry to Always the Prince for making you cry! I'm glad you like the story so far though!

Please review! You know I love them! Next chapter we get a look at Harry's side of things!

Chapter title lyrics from "Life is Beautiful" by Sixx: A.M. Thanks much to aliengirlguy for the suggestion!


	31. Gracefully I Land in Her Arms

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Gracefully I Land in Her Arms_

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Harry resisted the urge to run straight into Number 12 Grimmauld Place and instead kept a close pace alongside Dumbledore as the two Apparated right in front of the old home. They crept in quietly, hoping to avoid alerting Mrs. Black to their presence…The last thing they needed was that old bat's portrait waking up the entire house. It was all for the best…Harry honestly did not feel like being surrounded by people right now. He was honestly more eager to crawl into bed and get some sleep, hoping to wake up in a much better mood. At least he was away from the Dursleys now. Dumbledore had come to rescue him, taking him away early to bring him to Grimmauld Place to spend the rest of the summer with Sirius and Hermione and the Weasleys, only making a pit stop beforehand for Harry to help Dumbledore recruit an old colleague to take up his old position at Hogwarts, Horace Slughorn.

"Ah, I see the kitchen light is on, Harry," Dumbledore said, walking ahead with Harry trailing a few feet behind, his stomach sinking. Hopefully he could get this over with soon. Dumbledore walked into the kitchen where Mrs. Weasley was busily cooking something or other while Sirius leaned against the counter, snacking on something with a glass of wine in one hand.

"Harry!" Sirius exclaimed with a broad grin, setting his snacks aside. Mrs. Weasley beat him to Harry, though, immediately hugging him tightly.

"Goodness! Albus, you said not to expect you until morning! Oh, Harry! It's so good to see you…to see you doing so well," Mrs. Weasley said and Harry felt his stomach churn when he realized her eyes were filled with tears.

"Erm…Thanks, Mrs. Weasley," Harry said uncomfortably, letting her pat his hair and look him over, only moving aside when Sirius stepped forward to take over, embracing him briefly.

"Good to have you back, Harry," Sirius said warmly. "How are you?"

"Are you hungry, Harry dear?" Mrs. Weasley asked anxiously.

"No, thank you," Harry said. He hadn't eaten much today, but he didn't have much of an appetite. "I'm actually really tired."

"Yes, yes…You should get some sleep then," Mrs. Weasley said, stepping forward to hug him again. Harry hugged her back as she squeezed him tightly, disliking the way he felt his own eyes watering at the sudden emotion that overwhelmed him by the gesture.

"I'll take you to your room, Harry," Sirius said, patting him on the back. Mrs. Weasley held on for another few moments though before reluctantly pulling away and nodding her head, sniffling as she turned around and went back to her cooking, muttering about Mr. Weasley being late at work. Harry cleared his throat and blinked away his tears as he followed Sirius to the staircase. He almost forgot Dumbledore was there until they moved past him as the older wizard walked over to Mrs. Weasley, dabbing her eyes with the bottom of her apron.

Sirius looked on the verge of saying something the entire walk to the second floor and Harry braced himself. They walked along silently, though, until they reached the bedroom Harry had stayed in with Ron last summer. Looked like he'd have it all to himself this year, he thought, his stomach sinking. It still didn't seem quite real…That his best friend was gone. The funeral had been a miserable affair and Harry thought that feeling was gone, but now and then it popped back up. It was all just a bad dream, it felt like. He'd walk into that room and he'd hear Ron snoring and he'd wake up to his friend shoving at him, telling him his mum had made breakfast. It left him with a strange, sad, and empty feeling…Knowing it wouldn't happen, but feeling that expectation deep within him, anyway.

"Listen…Harry," Sirius said as they stepped inside the room, reaching over to flick on the light. "Um…Is there an…anything you'd like to do this summer?" he asked, clearing his throat. Harry couldn't decide if that was what his godfather had really been after, but he was grateful he didn't try bringing up Ron.

What Harry had nearly forgotten was Sirius's newfound freedom. With the Death Eaters out in the open and a new Minister of Magic in office, everything had worked out to where the public knew the truth. Or at least the Ministry was no longer after him…From what Harry could tell, not everyone was willing to believe the story of Sirius Black's innocence…but at least his godfather could leave the house now. Normally this would have made Harry very happy. He would have been glad to celebrate the fact that Sirius no longer had to hide out in Grimmauld Place and would actively take part in missions for the Order of the Phoenix and he could actually go out and spend time with Harry. Mostly, though, Harry's own misery seemed too deep and impenetrable to allow even the smallest bit of light in, and he felt badly for it. He should have been jumping at the chance to go out and do something with his godfather.

"Not really," Harry replied honestly, dully, as he flopped down onto his bed. "Erm…Nothing I can think of, anyway," he amended. He didn't want to make Sirius too upset and if his godfather came up with any plans, then Harry would be more than happy to go along with them.

"Hmm…Alright then. Well…" Sirius said, lingering in the middle of the room. "Just…You know we care about you, don't you, Harry?" Sirius said. "Arthur and Molly love you like a son and…Hermione loves you and…I love you, Harry. We're all here for you, if and when you need us."

"I know, Sirius," Harry replied, kicking off his shoes and glaring at the ground as his eyes burned again. "Thanks."

"Yeah…Well…Good night, Harry," Sirius said quietly, shutting the door softly behind him.

"Night, Sirius," Harry mumbled, not caring to find his trunk or his pajamas. Instead went over to flick off the light and shuffled through the darkness back to his bed, pulling the covers over his head. He didn't feel the least bit tired, but he figured he could lay here until sleep finally came to him.

It didn't seem like he had been laying there very long when the door opened and he heard someone creeping in. "Hello?" Harry said, raising his head a bit, squinting through the darkness. Someone was coming closer.

"Hey, Harry," Hermione whispered, crawling into bed right over him until she was laying beside him. He couldn't see her, but he knew her voice and he resisted the urge to sigh as she curled up against him. He wrapped his arms around her, already dreading whatever was to come. "I'm glad you're here," Hermione whispered and he bit the inside of his mouth when he felt her warm tears against the side of his neck, trying desperately to hold back the wetness in his own eyes. "It's been strange without you…and without…with Ron gone…" she whispered.

Not knowing what to say, Harry just nodded. He wanted to push her away and send her off to her own room, but he couldn't. He could bear it, couldn't he? Hermione needed him…and he needed to know that Ron was gone.

"I miss him so much," Hermione whispered. "It's…it's not quite right without him."

"Yeah," Harry said quietly, throat dry and his voice shaky. He willed himself not to cry, and Hermione, it seemed, was struggling with the same trouble. She sniffled and wiped her eyes and took deep breaths. He could feel the light shaking of her body in his arms, but she otherwise did her best to stay still and quiet. Hermione took a moment to calm herself down and Harry stroked her back as comfortingly as he could, holding her closer and shifting around into a position that was probably more comfortable for them both.

"So…Harry…How has your summer been so far?" Hermione whispered.

For a moment, Harry remained quiet. Nothing bad had necessarily happened, only the fact that he had been caught in a funk ever since returning to Privet Drive, and honestly before that, even. Snape had hurt him with his denials and Ron's death had left him feeling lost and depressed. It had hardly been a good summer, but Harry did not want to talk about Snape or Ron. "Not bad," he muttered finally. "No dementors tried to attack me or anything…Dursleys left me alone, mostly. Could have been worse."

Hermione nodded slowly.

"What about you?" he asked quietly after a moment.

"Pretty good," she said just as quietly, though by the trembling in her voice, Harry doubted it. He could just imagine her curled up in bed, crying over Ron. He could see her pouring over books and trying so hard to focus on them. "Reread a lot of our schoolbooks…Just so I know as much as I can…Since Voldemort's back and…and I figured it didn't hurt to go over things I might have missed. And…and Mu-mum and Dad tried to ch-…chee…They bought me some more books and…and we spent a lot of…a lot of time together. B-before I came here. Mrs. Weasley invited me…Said she still thinks of me as family and…and that Ginny really wanted to see me so…so I came and…and w…we've played a lot of games and…and cleaned and…the Order visits a lot."

"That…that sounds great," Harry said, trying to keep his voice light. He gave her another little squeeze and leaned a bit to kiss the top of her head. "Erm…More interesting than mine, actually."

"Well…That can change now, can't it? We still have a few weeks left and…and Sirius is free…so…Well, we still have to be careful…Everyone's so worried and they should be…A lot of places have closed down, though, and…We would need to be careful, but…but we could go out, I suppose. We have shopping to do but I'm sure Sirius will want to do something now that you're here and he…and he can actually do something…You know?" she said, snuggling closer to him.

"Yeah," Harry said. "That sounds great."

"You don't sound great," she teased, though her lightened tone was forced.

"Neither do you," he said.

For a while they said nothing more, just laying with one another. It was comfortable, holding her, and it didn't feel so wrong to be around someone right now. At least not when it came to Hermione. In fact, he was glad she had come in here, though he certainly hadn't felt so at first. They held each other close and offered chaste kisses wherever they could reach and comforting touches and said nothing whenever they felt a tear from the other.

It had been a little over a month since the funeral. The pain wasn't as strong anymore…It still was there, but it was fading slowly. It made them both feel worse, Harry thought. Ron was gone and life shouldn't be moving on this way. He had been too important to them both for it to be easy to move on. It didn't seem right not to cry every day. They both missed him a lot…His absence was probably the most noticeable thing in the whole house, Harry thought. Yet he felt on edge…expecting Ron to burst through that door at any moment and tell them all it was just a big prank or a mistake. Harry's eyes focused through the darkness on the area he thought the door to be for a long time, but nothing ever happened.

"Harry…" Hermione whispered, her voice quiet, though it rang out loudly in the absolute silence. Harry almost jumped in surprise as she interrupted his thoughts. He thought she had fallen asleep. "Do you still love him?"

"Who?"

"Professor Snape."

His heart hurt horribly at the sound of the man's name. A deep longing took over him, making everything within him ache with need for the man. To be near him, to hear from him, anything to do with him. For only a brief moment, everything had been fine. Maybe Harry understood why Snape was doing this, denying his feelings and denying him, but that didn't make it easy to bear. Sometimes he wanted to be so angry with the man. He would get frustrated and wish he could go back to hating him, but that seemed impossible now. It had been a month since he had last seen the man. Nothing had changed. Absolutely nothing. He hadn't gotten over it…The feelings never dulled…And still, the only good dreams he ever had these days involved Severus Snape.

"Yes…" he said. "Very much."

"And…you think he loves you, too?" Hermione asked breathlessly.

Snape could deny it all he wanted, but Harry knew the truth. The question aroused what bit of anger he could feel back into play, but it all too quickly died out into that numbness. It didn't make much sense, did it? Why a man in his thirties would love a boy his age. The two were surely a very unlikely pair, weren't they? Snape could say all he wanted. Everyone could tell him how foolish he was for believing it. But any doubts he had about the man disappeared the moment Snape told him he loved him. He had seen it in his eyes and heard it in his voice and Harry didn't think there was anything that could convince him otherwise.

"I know he does," Harry corrected her.

Hermione nodded slowly and fell quiet again, though like with Sirius, Harry had a feeling there was more she wanted to say.

"Why?" he asked after a moment.

It took Hermione a while to respond. Only when Harry became frustrated by her silence and was ready to demand his question again did she speak. "Then…Don't give up on him, okay, Harry?" she said softly. He could feel her tears on his neck again and wetting the shoulder of his shirt. Her breath was warm and quick against his neck. "Ron told me that you told him, you prat," Hermione teased, flicking him softly. She laughed sadly and kissed his neck. "We could have had more time together, though. But we were too stupid to…to do anything. So…just…don't give up on him, Harry. If you really love him," she said. She sounded so passionate about the whole thing, her arms tightening around his middle and her fingers pressing deeply into his sides as she spoke. It was almost like she was pleading with him, and Harry didn't understand why. It seemed so strange that it was Hermione who was encouraging him to do something she had cautioned him against just last year.

"You should be happy," Hermione went on after a moment. "He might be a prick, but…Well…if he loves you, he'll…he'll come around one day and…you just have to fight for him. Okay, Harry? For Ron and me?"

Harry didn't see what this had to do with her or Ron, but he slowly nodded his head. "I don't give up, do I, Mione?" he asked teasingly.

"No, you don't," she laughed. "Oh, Ron hated him so much. Thought you were mad for fancying him. But I think…I think now…Wherever he is…He'd want this, too. He wouldn't want you to make our mistakes and…and he'd want you to be really happy. And so do I, Harry. I really think you deserve to be happy."

"Thanks, Mione," Harry said quietly. He wasn't too sure if Ron really would want him to go after Snape…And he meant what he said. He had never really intended to give up on Snape. Somehow, though, Hermione's words encouraged him further, making him more excited by the prospect and thinking up all sorts of plans as to what to do when the new school year came around. He stayed awake long after he heard Hermione's quiet snores and when sleep finally took him, he dreamed of Severus Snape.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **Not very long, but I kind of wanted this to stand alone. I do apologize to those who are getting impatient for Snape and Harry interaction. Yes, this is a snarry story and they will be together at some point . But like I've stated before, it's not going to happen right away. Though, I will promise that I will not make you wait until the 95th and final chapter before getting there. It's a long story and you'll just need to bear with me. As perfect as they are for each other, there are many obstacles in their way and it will take a bit for Snape to be accepting of his feelings.

Now, I will give you all a little hint and say that Snape will be at Grimmauld Place in the next chapter! More Harry and Snape interactions to come soon, so hopefully that will make some people happy! Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed! Keep 'em coming, you know I love them!

Chapter title lyrics from my new favorite song, "Notes in Constellations" by Chiodos. I highly recommend it to everyone. The reason I chose this song is because I looked up the background on the song. They originally wrote the song to be about two lovers who had to part ways, but with the death of Christopher "Notes" Olsen (old friend and musical collaborator of the vocalist), the song took a dual meaning as a song he might have sung to his girlfriend after his untimely death. It kind of made me think of Ron and Hermione and since it _is_ my favorite song at the moment, it seemed perfect to use the song.


	32. Eyes That Are Just Begging Me For More

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_The Eyes That Are Just Begging Me For More_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"AHEM!"

"Oh! Oh, oh, sorry, Mrs. We-Harry…HARRY! Wake up!"

Harry grunted as he felt something shoving against him and he blinked open his eyes. Hermione was scrambling off of his bed, muttering under her breath and Mrs. Weasley stood in the doorway, looking horrified. "Young men and women should not be sharing beds…It is…highly inappropriate!" Mrs. Weasley was saying, her voice oddly high pitched. "I…I suppose I understand that you're both upset, but really-"

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Weasley…Harry and I stayed up all night talking…I didn't mean to fall asleep here!" Hermione was exclaiming, voice sounding just as high as Mrs. Weasley's.

"Yes, well, don't let it happen again!" Mrs. Weasley was saying. Harry was too tired to catch up on everything fast enough and just sat in confusion at the exchange. "You can stay, dear, I just wanted to let you know that breakfast is ready and you have a…well, Harry, you have a visitor."

Harry yawned before asking, "Who?"

Mrs. Weasley seemed unsure of herself before standing aside and ushering someone in. Hermione gasped sharply and Harry blinked a few moments before he realized that Draco Malfoy was standing in the doorway. When he did realize it, his eyes grew wide. "Draco! What are you doing here?"

Mrs. Weasley stepped out and Draco stepped in, followed closely by Ginny who glared at his back as she walked over to stand near Hermione. Draco just smirked and walked closer to Harry. "Mother is allowing me to stay the remainder of the summer with Severus. They're having an Order meeting soon and I asked if I could come along…Really don't feel like being in that house alone. It's a dump…No offense to him or anything, but it is."

Harry hated the way his heart leaped at the mention of Snape and the longing he felt to see the man, knowing he was here. There was even a surge of jealousy that Draco was getting to stay with the man and see him every day. Harry cleared his throat and forced a smile. "Well, um, that's great. How's your summer been?"

"Interesting," Draco replied immediately, glancing up at the girls.

"Come on down and eat, you lot," Mrs. Weasley called out. "Feel free to join us, uh…Draco."

Draco gave a polite bow in her direction. "Thank you, ma'am."

Mrs. Weasley blushed a bit and smiled before continuing to tell people to go eat breakfast. Hermione and Ginny gaped at him, causing Draco to smirk and Harry couldn't help but laugh. "C'mon, then, I'm starving," Harry said, sliding out of bed and looking around for his trunk. Hermione and Ginny walked swiftly from the room and Harry quickly dressed before heading downstairs with Draco. His heart was in his throat and he tried to keep himself from grinning like a mad fool. He bit the inside of his mouth hard and could barely focus on where he was going due to the hard throbbing of his heart in his chest. Snape was here. Snape was here and Harry might be able to see him and say something to him…Maybe, he told himself, not wanting to get his hopes up.

On the first floor he saw Snape and Kingsley Shackelbolt walking past them, talking quietly. Harry forgot to breathe the moment he saw the man, his heart swelling so much he felt it might burst. He was just as Harry remembered him…Tall and pale with those beautiful, intense, black eyes. Harry loved him so much and wanted to tell him so, but he kept his mouth shut. He was only grateful for that one fleeting glance Snape shot in his direction, their gazes only meeting for a brief moment before Snape turned away from him. Harry didn't know what to make of that look in his eyes, but he didn't care.

"Watch out, Potter," Draco muttered and Harry stopped and gasped just a second before he could run into Ginny. She and Hermione were waiting there, whispering to one another. Hermione shot him a knowing, encouraging little smile before glancing up in the direction Snape had disappeared to. Ginny just giggled and patted his arm. "You okay, Harry?"

"Yeah, just a bit tired. Didn't get much sleep last night," he admitted, immediately feeling his face heat up when her bright brown eyes turned to Hermione. Hermione blushed bright red. "No, Ginny!" Hermione exclaimed. "How could you think that?" she demanded, slapping her friend playfully on the arm.

"Not quite his type, is she?" Draco said quietly enough that no one but Harry overheard and he sent his friend a sharp glance before the group moved to the dining room. Mrs. Weasley was using her wand to move bowls and plates from the kitchen to the dining room table. Sirius, Remus, and Tonks were already seated. Sirius was laughing and Remus was forcing himself to laugh while Tonks just sat alone and looked miserable.

"They relaly should eat something," Mrs. Weasley was saying. "Can't very well have a meeting on an empty stomach! Especially so early!"

"Don't worry, I'll eat enough for them," Sirius assured her with a laugh.

"Ron certainly would, if he were still here," Mrs. Weasley said fondly and sadly.

Everyone froze and fell silent and Mrs. Weasley's eyes suddenly became wide. "Oh…I…"

"Umm…Breakfast smells wonderful, Molly," Sirius said.

"You really outdo yourself," Remus assured her.

Harry instinctively stepped forward, in between Hermione and Ginny and took their hands. Both looked pale, their eyes still wide, and their tense bodies relaxed under Harry's touch as he led them to the table.

"So…the headmaster was saying last night your OWL results should be coming in today," Mrs. Weasley said, a bowl she was floating in was shaking horribly so that a bit of oatmeal sloshed over the sides.

"Here, Molly," Sirius said, standing up and taking the bowl to set it on the table for her.

"Yeah, I remember he said something about it to me, too," Harry said.

"TODAY?" Hermione squealed, her hand tightening around Harry's. "Harry James Potter, why didn't you _tell_ me?" Hermione demanded in a panic.

"I wasn't thinking about it!" Harry defended, trying not to laugh at Draco's bewildered look. "Look, you're going to scare off Draco if you keep this up," he teased and Draco just rolled his eyes and sat on the other side of Hermione uncertainly.

Hermione didn't seem to notice anything. "Oh no, oh no, oh _no_! I know I messed up in Ancient Runes! Oh…oh…Mrs. Weasley, have any owls come?"

"No, dear," Mrs. Weasley said soothingly.

"Oh, I better go check!" Hermione exclaimed, jumping to her feet.

"No, you sit and eat!" Mrs. Weasley demanded. "I'll go take a look."

Hermione looked reluctant, but Harry grabbed her arm and tugged her back down into her chair. It was hard, though…Calming Hermione down. Not when her panic felt so contagious. He didn't see how Draco was sitting so calmly and confidently. His stomach churned a bit as he thought about the exams that had taken place not that long ago.

"You don't think they'll send _his_, do you?" Ginny asked quietly.

Harry wasn't sure what she meant at first.

"I…I'm really not sure," Sirius said. "I…they might think your parents will want his results or they might think it insensitive…Though…as sad as it is, I'm sure they'd want to know…"

Ginny nodded and Harry frowned. He didn't feel very hungry anymore.

"Oh!" came a surprised voice from the kitchen. "Here we are!"

Four owls flew into the room, landing gracefully on the table in front of the teenagers, avoiding the food placed around them. Each stuck out a leg and Harry reached forward to grab the envelope with his name on it. Hermione was shaking so much that Harry had to reach over and do it for her. Only Draco opened his with ease and looked over his results. It took Harry a moment to realize there was another bird. Ginny reached over after a moment to take the one with Ron's name and handed it to her tearful, sniffling mother.

Taking a deep breath he opened his own and looked at his results. An A in Astronomy. An E in Care of Magical Creatures. An E in Charms. An O in Defense Against the Dark Arts and Harry grinned at that one. A P in Divination (Harry was honestly surprised he hadn't gotten a D or a T on that one). An E in Herbology. A D in History of Magic. An O in Potions, to his shocked pleasure. And an E in Transfiguration. Harry read over it several times, relaxing more and more by the second. He had gotten two Os! He had done pretty good and he didn't care much for the classes he did badly in. He had even managed an O in Potions! Snape _had_ been tutoring him a bit right up until that time. Harry smiled a bit more, thinking he at least had a reason to talk to Snape now. He could show off his O and thank him for his help.

"Oh…Oh my sweet Ronnie! He…He did so good!" Mrs. Weasley sniffled proudly. "Seven OWLs! That's more than Fred and George got together!"

Ginny stood up to go hug her mother and Harry just sat there uncomfortably until Sirius asked to see his results and he stood up to hand them over to Sirius. He and Remus leaned close to read them over together. Mrs. Weasley went to go join them after a moment, still dabbing her eyes.

"Good job, Harry!" Sirius said proudly. "An O in Potions, too? Ha! Well, you should rub that one in Snape's greasy nose-"

"Sirius," Remus admonished.

Sirius cleared his throat. "Well, you should be proud, at any rate."

"Good to see that O in Defense, too," Remus said with a grin.

Harry smiled back. "Got all the grades I need to take classes to be an Auror."

"That's fantastic!" Sirius said, raising a goblet. "To Harry and his wonderful grades!" he announced, gulping some down.

"Sirius, it's a bit early," Mrs. Weasely warned.

"Hermione," Ginny said tentatively. "How did you do?"

Harry turned to his best friend who was still staring at her results, completely still. "I-Not bad," she said in a small voice. Ginny walked up behind her and Harry leaned over to look at her results. Ten Os and one E in Defense.

"Not bad?" Harry asked incredulously. "You did bloody amazing!"

"To Hermione, and her bloody amazing grades!" Sirius announced, raising his goblet again with a smirk and Mrs. Weasley just shook her head.

"How bout you, Draco?" Harry asked, looking over at his other friend.

"Better than you, I bet," Draco said with a smile.

Harry laughed and took his results back from Sirius to trade with Draco. He hadn't done bad at all…Harry didn't see any Ps, Ds, or Ts in his results. "You know, Malfoy, you're smarter than you look."

"I was just about to say the same thing."

The boys laughed for a moment before realizing the surprised looks on everyone else's faces and Draco cleared his throat and gave Harry his results back.

"And you two are friends?" Sirius asked, a bit bewildered as he drank more of his wine.

"Yes," Harry said a bit defensively, body tensing a bit. But Sirius said nothing more and Harry relaxed a bit.

"Well…You better eat up now," Mrs. Weasley told them and Harry wasted no time grabbing a sausage. Sirius and Remus launched into a story about their own OWL results and Harry found it hard not to think of the memory Snape had shown him of their day taking their Defense OWL. Luckily the old friends had a fun time reminiscing, no mention of Snape, and Harry found himself enjoying the stories of the good times the Marauders had enjoyed and hearing more positive and pleasant things about his father.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Severus had committed a great number of sins in his life, and it seemed that whatever higher power existed was determined to make him pay for them. Severus cursed every deity he could name for it in his mind as he walked into the meeting for the Order of the Phoenix, allowing himself to get lost in the news and the plans they were all making. He couldn't tell them everything; he had been given direct orders from Albus not to discuss the curse in his hand, his impending death, or the Dark Lord's plans for Draco Malfoy. Severus focused on everyone in the meeting, and yet he could still see those green eyes in his mind, a brief meeting of eyes in the hallway.

Of course Harry bloody Potter would be here. He deserved this torture, he supposed. He had been the one who destroyed the friendship with one of the only true friends he had. He had been responsible for the death of the only woman he ever loved. He was the reason Harry was in danger now. And he had had the horrible luck of falling in love with the boy! Yes, he deserved this pain.

But it wasn't enough, apparently. As he waited by the front door for Molly Weasley to go retrieve Draco, the little brat waltzed right up to him. His face was very serious, but the boy could hardly disguise that wonderful joy dancing in his brilliant green eyes, such a look that threatened to break down every wall he had carefully constructed this past month away from the boy. His heart leaped childishly as the boy neared him and all Severus could do was glare, and even that felt halfhearted. "Potter," he said coldly.

"Hi, Professor Snape," the boy said nervously. He cleared his throat and waved around a piece of parchment. "I did pretty good on my OWLs. Got an O in Potions."

Severus raised an eyebrow in surprise. He hadn't been sure how much his tutelage had helped the boy, but he figured any improvement in his grades would be small. Certainly not O-worthy. "Well, well, well, Potter. You save your idiocy for my class, do you?"

"Nah. The you're just a bit distracting, s'all," Harry admitted quietly. "The…ah…instructor wasn't all that attractive. Easier to pay attention."

Ah, the boldness of the Gryffindors. Potter was trying to flirt with him right here in his godfather's house. Severus smirked. "I suspect you'll do better this year."

Potter didn't seem to get it. He just smiled and looked him up and down in a way that took Severus a few moments to realize the brat was checking him out. And so blatantly, too! "Doubt it," he mumbled, licking his lips. Severus found his dark eyes drawn to that mouth. Any thoughts of his new position as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher long forgotten as his mind drew back memories of kissing that mouth. Of holding that strong, smaller body against his. Oh how he longed to reach over to pull him closer now. The boy had grown a bit in the month they had been apart. A bit taller, a light trace of facial hair, somehow looking older. Or maybe Severus was only hoping to see a bit of growth…Hoping for some bit of maturing, so that he wouldn't feel so awful about his desires.

Harry Potter surely was desirable, wasn't he?

"See to it that you do," Severus said after a moment. "It would be a shame to put such improvement to waste."

"I'll try," Harry promised. He then shifted a bit awkwardly and took a deep breath before hesitantly moving closer. Severus didn't dare let this push him back, standing his ground firmly, though he had a bad feeling about doing so. "So…umm…"

The boy just trailed off, his eyes flickering down to Severus's mouth. Severus swallowed and pressed his lips together firmly. The boy still wished to kiss him? If only he knew how badly Severus wanted just that and how much more he craved from his delectable young body. "Yes?" Severus pressed after a moment.

Harry said nothing, only moving closer still. Severus could feel the heat radiating from the boy's body. He was close enough to touch…Severus could even feel that hot breath brushing against the exposed skin of his neck. Severus could feel his body responding, but he stood tall and resisted his body's screaming at him to touch the boy. He didn't have to do much, it seemed. Gryffindor bravery apparently demanded that the boy reach out, placing his hands on Severus's hips and stepping slightly closer still, pressing himself up so that his lips just barely brushed over Severus's. No one could ever understand what strength it took, what pain it caused, to pull himself just out of reach, denying his body the powerful temptation presented. "You need to learn how to listen, Potter," Severus sneered. "I do not want you. Now cease humiliating yourself, before your dogfather walks in and accuses me of molesting you."

"Wouldn't mind that so much," Harry murmured, stepping back. "The molesting part, I mean."

Severus's eyes hardened and he glared at the boy who flinched and realized his mistake. "Er…I didn't mean…I just…I want you. Still," the boy admitted.

"And, as I said, I do not want you," Severus lied. "I should have you expelled, you insolent little brat. Throwing yourself at a grown man…It can never lead to good things, Potter."

"Can't know until we try, can we?" Potter said, shrugging.

"You are a foolish child," Severus grumbled, stepping back a few steps. If he remained too close for too long, he wasn't sure what might happen.

"And you're a stubborn old man," Harry said with a shrug. "Still love you."

Severus snorted. "You're too young to understand what love is."

"No, I'm not," Harry said. "But I don't think you really know what love is…S'probably why you say things like that and why you're acting the way you are. I think it scares you."

He was probably right on that one, Severus had to admit to himself. But he rolled his eyes and chuckled. "You still have much to learn."

"And so do you," Harry replied smoothly. "But I'll be more than willing to teach you."

"Stop, Potter. I'm tired of playing your ridiculous game," Severus said, growing uncomfortable. "Run along before your dogfather sees you near me willingly."

"I don't care who sees," Harry said challengingly. "I'm not ashamed of how I feel. Not anymore."

Severus didn't dare look into those green eyes, burning with passion and boldness and determination that made Severus desperately want to give into him and forget all about his principles and concerns. "You're embarrassing yourself…I almost feel humiliated for you. Now go play with boys your own age, Potter."

"I don't wa-" Harry began.

"There you are!" Draco called out, walking over to them, Mrs. Weasley eying them in the distance. He smiled at Harry and sent Severus an odd look. "Maybe we can meet up in Diagon Alley sometime."

"Yeah, sure. Sounds great," Harry said, sounding a bit disappointed. "So…I guess I'll see you later."

"Sure. Owl me if you get bored…Sure it can't take much," Draco said, glancing around the place. It wasn't that bad, Severus thought. The Black household…It was far better than Severus's little home on Spinner's End, but it still had nothing on Malfoy Manor. The boy would forever be comparing everyone's homes to his own.

"Same goes for you," Harry said rolling his eyes. "Well…Bye, Draco. Bye, Professor."

The boy didn't walk away, though. He waited while Severus walked outside with Draco and was still there, watching, when he shut the door.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"You know, Malfoy's not a complete prat when he's away from his posse," Ginny said later that afternoon. "Still a prat, but less of one."

Harry chuckled. "Just gotta give people a chance."

"He's more capable of holding an intelligent discussion than I assumed," Hermione agreed.

Harry laughed. "So it won't be totally weird if I start hanging out with Draco more when school starts back?"

Harry was laying on his bed, the girls on either side of him. He glanced from one to the other, watching them look at each other and grin slightly. "Maybe a little weird," Ginny said.

"But not as horrible as it was last year," Hermione agreed.

"Good," Harry laughed. It had been nice being able to hang out with Draco for a few hours. Ginny and Hermione hadn't joined in for a bit and when they had it had been a bit uncomfortable, but Harry felt that, towards the end, things were starting to look up.

"He _did_ manage to stop himself from saying Mudblood and blood traitor several times," Hermione added.

"He has shown some improvement," Ginny said.

"Maybe he just likes Harry," Hermione teased.

Ginny's eyes grew wide. "Is Malfoy gay?"

Harry's immediately started laughing. He tried to ignore the heat filling his face and neck as he recalled the kiss he shared with Draco on Valentine's Day, an experiment that assured Harry of his gayness and Draco of his straightness. "No…Definitely not," Harry laughed, then quickly coughed at their stunned looks. "I've…erm…heard a lot about his…adventures with the Slytherin girls."

"Oh. Of course, he'd be a man whore," Ginny giggled. "Though maybe it's a cover up."

Harry just rolled his eyes. "Does it matter if he is?"

Ginny shrugged. "Ammo against him if he messes up and betrays you or insults us or anything."

"That's not nice, Ginny," Hermione said, trying to keep her tone light.

"Yeah, well, he's never been nice so it would serve him right," Ginny said, sitting up. "Anyway, I promised Dean I'd write. I'll see you later."

Ginny turned, her fiery red hair swinging around her as she walked. She really was pretty, Harry reminded himself, but not necessarily attractive to him. He turned his eyes to Hermione as she immediately snuggled closer to him. "Hmmm," she said with a smile and glanced up at him with those wide, chocolate brown eyes of hers before shifting around until she was on top of him.

"Mione?" he asked, the last half of her name becoming muffled as she pressed her lips against his. She kissed him deeply, pressing her body down against his, and for a moment, Harry responded. He kissed her back and put his hands on her hips, falling into the same pattern of old times. She had taken him by surprise and it was hard to think the way she was kissing him…Then her hips began to grind into his and Harry gasped, his cock rousing to attention at the friction. That action, though, snapped Harry out of it and he grabbed Hermione's arms and pulled her away gently and he pulled back the best he could from where he was laying.

"Mione, no…We stopped this…We can't," Harry whispered quietly, apologetically.

"Oh God," Hermione groaned, closing her eyes and letting her head fall to his chest. "God…I'm so sorry, Harry," she whispered, snuggling close to him. Harry frowned when he felt a few tears wetting his shirt and leaking through to his chest. She wasn't sobbing or anything, but she had to have quite a bit of tears coming. "I don't know what I was thinking," she muttered. "I just…Oh I'm so stupid."

"You are not stupid, Mione," Harry said gently. "You got ten Os, remember?"

Hermione snorted. "I'm academically smart, but the rest of me is stupid," she muttered. "Oh, I'm sorry, Harry. It's just…With everything…and I was just remembering how…this was where it all started, remember? Last summer," she said quietly. "And I just…I hoped it would make things better, but…It just makes me feel worse. Like I'm betraying Ron."

"It's alright, Mione," Harry whispered, stroking his hands down her back soothingly. "Just…We don't need it anymore. We're stronger than that, the both of us."

"That, and you're in love," Hermione teased him, giggling a bit through her tears. "And gay."

Harry grinned. "That, too."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note:** So after a bit of writer's block, I'm kind of surprised to get a second chapter done today. But since it involves our little lovebirds, I figured I'd give it to you now. But you should definitely review! And I'll love you all forever! Hehehe. Anyway, kind of excited to know I've got 32 chapters done! And to think, I'm not even halfway through with this thing yet! Lol.

Anyway, chapter title lyrics from "Intensity in Ten Cities" by Chiodos.


	33. When There's Reason to Resist

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_When There's Reason to Resist _

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

They all remained confined to Grimmauld Place for the next few weeks. It was too dangerous to be out these days, everyone said. But Harry stayed entertained with his friends and his godfather and the visiting Order members. They were too busy to offer many lessons, but now and then Harry found himself being taken to Hogwarts to practice a few things when there was time. It was these renewed lessons that made Harry think of renewing lessons with Snape and he had to wonder why he hadn't considered it before.

His birthday was no grand affair, but Harry didn't mind much. There was much talk of recent deaths and how Florean Fortescue and Ollivander were gone. They had tea and cake and Harry opened a few good presents, including an owl from Draco with a bag full of Galleons and a note reading _For whatever the bloody hell you want. I'll see what I can do about the thing you want the most._ Harry just snorted at that and while he was hopeful that Draco could talk some sense into Snape, he highly doubted he would be getting that birthday wish (though he kept Snape in mind when he blew out his candles). The next day they got their booklists and Harry got the surprise of learning he had been made the Quidditch Captain of the Gryffindor team. That, at least, managed to brighten his somewhat gloomy mood.

That Saturday they were due to go shopping in Diagon Alley for the new school year. Harry, Hermione, Ginny, Sirius, and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley piled up inside of a car sent by the Ministry that was roomier inside than it looked from the outside. As grateful as Harry was to be spending time with the people he cared about, it was sort of nice to get out of the house. Harry and Sirius were in great moods, though it became apparent midway through the trip that the smiles and laughter of the rest of their company was strained, either by reluctance to show happiness or guilt of being happy or even just sadness that Ron wasn't here with him, as he should be. It was enough to kill Harry's mood, though he and Sirius kept up their joking and talking, more for the sake of cheering everyone else up than anything else.

When they stopped outside of the Leaky Cauldron, Harry was pleasantly surprised to find Hagrid there, waiting to be their guard when Harry had been expecting a group of Aurors. Hagrid was much better company and he certainly felt more comfortable around the Hogwarts gamekeeper than he would anyone else. The group walked into the Leaky Cauldron and to Harry's surprise found the place completely empty, only with Tom the barman wiping down the bar. He looked up hopefully when they entered, but before he could speak, Hagrid said, "Jus' passin' through today, Tom, sure yeh understand, Hogwarts business, yeh know."

Tom nodded gloomily and Harry frowned, looking around the place again as they walked through the bar and out of the back, taking the entrance to Diagon Alley. The place Harry remembered from previous years was not much different than the Leaky Cauldron had been. The colorful, magical area that had awed Harry at the age of eleven was lost among many, large Ministry posters. Most of them were the security advice that Harry remembered from the Ministry pamphlets he had received earlier in the summer. Others held moving black and white photographs of Death Eaters known to be on the loose. A few windows were boarded up, particularly the shops of those men Harry recalled Bill and Mr. Weasley saying had gone missing or had been killed. There weren't many people in the streets and those who were were huddled in small groups and anxiously moving along. A group of harried looking girls moved past them, eying them suspiciously and one girl jumped when she accidentally bumped into Mr. Weasley, immediately bursting into tears. Her friends hugged her close and hurried along more quickly.

"I'd heard it was bad, but wow," Harry whispered, glancing at Hermione who nodded.

"Molly, it doesn't make sense for all of us to go to Madam Malkin's," Mr. Weasley was saying. "Why don't they go with Hagrid and we can go to Flourish and Blotts and get everyone's schoolbooks?"

"I don't know," Mrs. Weasley was saying. "Hagrid, do you think-"

"Don't fret, they'll be fine with me, Molly," Hagrid said soothingly. Mrs. Weasley didn't look too sure, but she eventually nodded. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley and Sirius scurried off to Flourish and Blotts while Harry, Hermione, and Ginny set off with Hagrid to Madam Malkin's. Hermione reached out to take his hand after walking for a few minutes and Harry gave it a gentle squeeze and sent her a small smile. Hagrid was too big to go in and agreed to stay guard outside. Almost immediately Harry found the two other people in the store…Draco Malfoy stood with Madam Malkin, muttering under his breath as he tried on a nice set of robes. Severus Snape stood a few feet away looking as bored as ever, though Harry could see a slightly visible change in the man's posture when those black eyes found him.

"Oh great," mumbled Ginny, seeming to notice them both.

"Let's try to be nice, Ginny…For Harry," Hermione encouraged. Harry shifted uncomfortably when he remembered he was holding Hermione's hand, mainly due to the way Snape's dark eyes trailed down to where they were joined. Hermione seemed to notice a moment later and she cleared her throat and pulled her hand away. Ginny shot them an odd look and Harry cleared his throat, as well.

"Ah, look who it is," Draco said loudly with a grin. "Not stalking me, are you?"

"Nah. You'd like the attention too much," Harry replied with a grin of his own. His pulse was speeding up a bit and Harry knew he had his opportunity. "You two can go look at robes. I need to go talk to Snape about something real quick," Harry said, moving away before Ginny could ask questions. Hermione just sent him a knowing and encouraging smile that Snape noticed and glowered at.

"Hey…Professor," Harry said, trying to hide away his nervousness.

"Potter," Snape said stiffly.

"H-" Harry began, but Snape quickly cut him off.

"Public, Potter? A bit risky, even for you."

Harry rolled his eyes. "I'm not here to seduce you or anything. I just wanted to ask if we could continue my lessons this year."

"So you can plan your next seduction, no doubt," Snape said dryly.

"No, not really," Harry said with a frown. Snape _was_ right, in some aspect. Harry did want to use these lessons to get closer to Snape and hopefully his constant presence would be enough to break through to the man. However, Harry had understood towards the end of last year the importance of his lessons, especially when Voldemort had gotten into his mind and planted a false vision that lead him and his friends to the Department of Mysteries and ultimately to Ron's death. The more Harry had considered the idea of renewing his lessons for personal reasons, the more he remembered why they had been so important in the first place. Part of him couldn't help imagining naughty things taking place in said lessons…He _was_ still a teenager. And he was still in love with a man whose morals dictated that they could never work out. And while Harry would use any opportunity he could get to change things, there were some things, he realized, that had to be more important than everything else.

"Finally realizing just how disastrous your recklessness is? How your addiction to adventure can endanger others?" Snape said quietly, smoothly, voice both dangerous and seductive. Harry shivered, not sure what that voice was making him feel only knowing a painful sting at having the events at the Ministry thrown back into his face.

"Sort of," Harry admitted quietly. "Mostly just know that…that I need to try harder. Do better. You're the only one who can help me, sir. I was getting better towards the end, wasn't I?"

Snape was silent a moment, considering him with those dark eyes that seemed so mysterious at the moment. "You had shown some mild improvement."

Harry nodded. "Then it's not a total waste, then? I can still learn, can't I?"

"Regardless of your abilities to learn, Potter, you still seem to harbor your silly little crush…I really thought it would have gone away by now. Nevertheless-"

"I'm sure a crush would have gone away, but it's more than just a crush that I'm dealing with," Harry snapped through gritted teeth. "I _love_ you, whether you believe it or not. But this isn't about that-" it was only _partially_ a lie "Will you help me or not?"

"I was told the headmaster would be giving you lessons this year, Potter," Snape pointed out.

"I don't know what he's teaching me and it doesn't matter. I need all of the extra help I can get," Harry said, growing irritated easily. He knew Snape wasn't going to make anything easy on him, but that didn't make dealing with him any less aggravating.

Snape smirked. "We are at an agreement there, Potter."

Harry rolled his eyes and snorted. "Of course, always insulting my intelligence."

"Well deserved, I assure you," Snape replied. He just looked at Harry for a moment and with great hesitance said, "I shall consider your request, Potter."

"Thanks, sir," Harry said, almost surprised the man had agreed to think about it. Harry honestly wouldn't have put it past the man to make him beg and bother him throughout the first few weeks of school before giving any sort of agreement.

"You really should stop flirting with my godfather, Potter," Draco said, walking up behind him. Harry immediately felt his face heat up and he turned to glare at his friend. "I'm the one who need sit."

Harry snorted. "Your ego does not need more boosting, Draco."

"Sure it does," Draco replied, throwing out the charming smile he gave most of his Slytherin lady friends. "Even incredibly attractive specimen such as myself can become lonely and insecure without the right attention."

"And you thought _I_ was an arrogant attention-seeker," Harry snorted to Snape and for a moment Harry could have sworn the man smiled in amusement.

"Yes, well, it works better on a Malfoy," Draco replied.

"Is that what they tell you?"

"Well it seemed to work on you. You kissed me, remember, Potter? Did I ever tell you that, Severus?"

Draco smiled innocently though the glimmer in his silvery eyes was mischievous. Harry tried to bite back a grin when he realized what Draco was doing. Snape seemed to know it, too, for her glared dangerously at Draco. "Are you done?"

"Not yet," Draco replied, as though nothing was wrong. "Perhaps I can spend some time with Harry and his girlfriends."

"I do not think that would be wise, Draco."

"Just a little bit won't hurt," Draco argued.

Snape turned his glare to Harry, as though he had something to do with it. Harry sent Draco a sharp look, feeling a bit panicked. It wasn't as though he had actually done anything and he definitely did not want Snape thinking so. Draco's eyes grew wide a bit and he chuckled. "Oh stop being so dramatic, Severus. It is perfectly normal for young men my age to enjoy the company of their peers."

Snape eyed him a while longer before straightening a bit. "Very well. You are to meet me at the bookstore in an hour and a half. Do not make me come looking for you, Draco," Snape warned, turning around and sweeping out of the store. Harry watched him go and frowned slightly, feeling a bit disappointed that Snape wasn't going to come with them. That seemed to have been Draco's intention, for he was frowning, too.

"Oh well…Maybe I _will_ make him come looking for us," Draco considered with a chuckle, folding his robes over his arm.

They spent a half hour in Madam Malkin's for the others to get their robes. Harry didn't take too long getting his, but Hermione and Ginny were taking forever picking out their new ones, especially since Hermione was looking for dress robes. Harry stood back and talked with Draco, carefully avoiding sensitive topics for them both and instead focusing on Quidditch and Harry mentioning the new Defense teacher, Horace Slughorn. Draco seemed to know something about him, but he refused to tell and only said, "You'll see…It's a surprise."

Once they had their robes, they went outside to meet up with Hagrid and the returned Mr. and Mrs. Weasley and Sirius, holding bags of their required books.

"Everyone all right?" said Mrs. Weasley. "Got your robes? Right then, we can just pop into the Apothecary and Eeylops on the way to Fred and George's-stick close now…Oh hello, Draco! I didn't see…Who are you here with?"

"My godfather's out tending to business so I thought I might accompany you while I wait for him," Draco replied.

Mr. Weasley and Sirius didn't seem too pleased about it and Mrs. Weasley and Hagrid looked mildly uncomfortable, but they allowed Draco to come without a word of it. Even Ginny seemed kinder and more relaxed around Draco than their chaperons. If Draco noticed, he paid it no mind, strutting around as easily and arrogantly as ever. They didn't take long in the Apothecary and Harry just grabbed some owl treats for Hedwig and Mrs. Weasley looked close to tears again as she picked up some for Ron's owl, Pig, that they had given to Ginny.

Draco still had about forty five minutes with them the time they headed to Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, the joke shop run by Fred and George, and probably the part of this outing everyone had been looking forward to the most.

"We haven't really got too long," Mrs. Weasley said. "So we'll just have a quick look around and then back to the car. We must be close, that's number ninety-two…ninety-four…"

"Wow!" Ginny exclaimed, brown eyes growing wide and she stopped in her tracks.

In the midst of the dull and mostly deserted street was the twins' shop, hitting their eyes like a firework and easily attracting the attention of anyone nearby it. Even those normally anxious groups on the streets slowed down or completely stopped to stare at the windows. One of the windows was full of different things, brightly colored and all revolving or popping or flashing or bouncing or shrieking and Harry's eyes watered just looking at it. The window beside it was advertising something called U-NO-POO.

"They'll be murdered in their beds!" Mrs. Weasley whispered, horrified.

"This is brilliant," Harry said as he laughed, reading the sign.

"I think anyone wanting to kill them would be too distracted to do so," Draco offered as a solace, grinning as he looked over it all himself.

Harry and Draco led the way into the shop. It was so packed with customers, Harry could hardly see anything and could hardly think of a way of getting through the crowd. He stared around, looking up at what he could see of the boxes piled high to the ceiling. He noticed the Skiving Snackboxes that the twins had perfected during their last, unfinished year at Hogwarts. There were bins full of trick wands and boxes of quills that did various things.

"Merlin…I had no idea any Weasleys had such a flair for business," Draco muttered and Harry sent him a sharp look of warning and quickly looked back to the Weasleys. Only Ginny was giving him an odd look, but since she wasn't snapping at him or hexing him or anything, Harry didn't figure she had really heard what he had said exactly.

"Maybe not a good thing to say around Weasleys," Harry pointed out, not sure if he should be upset with Draco for his comment. The Weasleys were like family, but Harry had gotten so used to Draco's teasing ways, he wasn't sure if he had actually meant anything mean by it. At least Draco seemed truly impressed by the place and wasn't trying to pretend it was below him or anything.

"Probably," Draco agreed. "Maybe they'll forgive me if I spend enough Galleons."

"Looks like they're doing alright on that end," Harry commented. With this many customers, they would be pretty well off.

"One can never have too many Galleons," Draco said with a shrug.

Mr. and Mrs. Weasley called out for the twins and went in search of their son while Hermione and Ginny linked arms and went one way. Draco and Harry pushed through the crowd in another direction, playing with the trick wands for a moment and play dueled with fake swords to see whose would turn into random objects first. The first Harry grabbed turned into a feather after a few minutes, allowing Draco to stick his sword under his arm, almost immediately turning into a rubber chicken. Draco immediately pulled the chicken back and gently slapped Harry across the face with it.

"Hey!"

"Oh don't be such a pussy, Potter. It's just a chicken," Draco said with a grin. He tossed the chicken back into the box and Harry tossed the feather back in, too, watching them turn back into swords after a few seconds. "So, what are your plans, Potter?"

"For?"

"Oh don't be dense," Draco said, rolling his eyes. "Severus, of course."

"Oh," Harry said, glancing around nervously. No one was paying them much attention, but Harry still felt a bit odd talking about matters like this in public. "Erm…I dunno, really. I asked him to resume my lessons, so maybe my forced presence might do something…Other than that, I haven't really figured much out…"

"Just don't' give up. Keep trying to snog him every chance you get…He's a man, I doubt he has _that_ much self control, no matter how good he is," Draco suggested. "He'll give in eventually."

"Or he'll throw me out, hex me, take me out of his class, and refuse to see me ever again," Harry replied, even if the thought of basically throwing himself at Snape at every opportunity left a pleasant tingle trailing through his body.

"I'm sure you'll find ways to manage," Draco said with a grin. "Doesn't hurt to try, does it? You know you want to snog him senseless."

Harry tried to ignore the heat in his face. He wasn't really sure what to say to _that_. "Maybe," he mumbled, clearing his throat.

"No shame in that," Draco said. "Just remember, the naughtier you are, the harder it is to resist you."

"Not too sure that'll work on him, though…Will it?" Harry asked. The things he admired most about the man were probably the things that would make being with him the most impossible. He was strong and moral and stubborn…He wasn't a successful spy for no reason. He could hide things. Surely it wasn't that hard to resist a sixteen year old boy. Though…There had been those times last year…

"Well, it won't be as easy as it might with any normal man, but I have every faith in you, Potter," Draco assured him. "I mean, you got the man to fall in love with you…The hardest part is over with! At least, I assume that's the hardest part…"

They pushed through the crowds a bit longer before running into Ginny and Hermione near the front, looking at Pygmy Puffs. Hermione was cupping a pale purple ball of fluff in her hand while Ginny held one of a shocking pink color. It was mostly girls surrounding the cage, oohing and ahhing over their cuteness.

"You know…I don't think I ever gave them enough credit," Hermione said, turning and looking pointedly around the store. "A lot of this stuff is really quite brilliant."

Hermione told Harry all about some interesting things she and Ginny had found. Daydream charms, love potions, beauty products, robes that turned invisible when you wore it (and your clothes, leaving only your underwear visible) and some that even made the underwear disappear. When he could get a word in he discussed his dueling with Draco and the various products they had come across.

"OH MY GOD!" exclaimed a voice a few minutes later and everyone whipped around to the middle aged man wearing the Invisibility Robe…Luckily this one at least left his underwear showing, though it was still not a pleasant view. He wore saggy, dirty boxers and had a very hairy chest that looked strange compared to hairless arms and legs. The man began trying to rip off the robes while scandalized mothers covered the eyes of their children and teenagers roared with laughter. The man's wife tried to bite back her giggles when she tried to help him out of it.

Harry was so overcome with laughter he hardly noticed anything for a minute, but finally as his laughter started to subside, he saw a familiar face pass by the window the man stood near. Harry raised his eyebrows and looked around. When had Draco left? "Hey, did Draco say anything about leaving?"

"What?" Hermione asked, looking horrified for the poor man, instead of amused. "Oh…No. I didn't even see him move," she said, looking around.

Curious, Harry moved through the crowd and stepped outside. He watched Draco head in a familiar direction alone, head ducked down, shoving right by people. Was he okay? Where was he eve going? Why hadn't he said anything? Feeling that something was very, very wrong, Harry began jogging after him. He slowed down a bit when he saw Draco turn onto Knockturn Alley, eyebrows furrowed together. Why would he be going there? He had a very bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. He had to figure out what was wrong.

As he made to turn into the street, he was suddenly slammed into the wall of a building beside him, his face pressed hard into the bricks. "Where do you think you're going, Potter?"

Harry relaxed a bit when he heard Snape's voice and turned his head a bit to look at the man. "I was worried about Draco and I saw him come down this way," Harry replied honestly, struggling a bit to turn himself around to face Snape. "Why does it matter to you?"

"This is not a place for children," Snape replied, glancing warily down the alley.

"You better go get Draco then," Harry snapped, narrowing his eyes at the man. He hated when Snape called him a child…He knew why Snape was doing it, too. To remind Harry of how young he was, one of many reasons it could never work between them, and whatever else there was.

"Better go find your dogfather," Snape said, letting go of him and stepping back.

Glaring at him, Harry turned to move back down Knockturn Alley, only to be shoved into the wall again. Frustration and concern were clear in his black eyes. "Must you always be such a stubborn brat?"

"Yes…But that's only because you're such a stubborn git," Harry replied.

"You will need to learn to respect your elders, Potter. Especially if you want me to resume your lessons. I will not be doing you any favors or spending any unnecessary time with you if you continue your insolence," Snape snarled.

Harry opened his mouth to reply, but reluctantly forced himself to shut it after a moment. He did need his lessons to resume and didn't want to do anything to jeopardize it. Swallowing hard, Harry glanced down Knockturn Alley again, wondering if he could spot Draco. Harry pulled away from Snape and tried to head down that direction again. "No offense, sir, but we're not in school yet. You're not my guardian. I-" he began, but found himself shoved into the wall again, this time held paralyzed by the feel of warm lips pressed against his.

Snape was _kissing him_!

Thin, dry, warm lips moved slowly against his, kissing him deeply as the strong man held him against the wall. Harry couldn't think…Couldn't do much of anything at all for a moment before he finally made his lips move to kiss him back. He pulled his arms out of Snape's grasp and wrapped them around the man, holding him close and kissing him back desperately. His heart felt swollen and strange, thudding hard and fast and uncomfortable within his chest. Liquid heat pooled into his stomach, spreading out and warming the rest of his body.

The rest of the world disappeared. He wasn't aware of anyone or anything other than himself and Snape and it was a wonderful moment. After a while, Snape's mouth moved to his neck, using his tongue and mouth skillfully, trailing licks and kisses and nips along his skin in a way that had him gripping the man tightly for support and moaning quietly. "Think of this…" the man whispered against his skin, "as your first lesson of the year." His hands were moving now, too, over his chest and his inner thighs, cupping the area around his erection and Harry's knees gave out entirely at the feeling. He wanted to say something, to beg the man to touch him, but all he could do was moan as Snape went on. "Never…_ever_…let…yourself…become…distracted," he murmured, punctuating each word with a new lick or kiss, ending it by slowly trailing his tongue along Harry's ear…

And then he was gone.

Harry blinked rapidly and had to hold onto the wall as he nearly fell down onto his bum. It took several seconds to register what had just happened and another few to think of what Snape had meant. Harry frowned and glared in the direction Snape had disappeared off to. Just trying to distract him, huh? Harry felt sick as he thought about what had happened and hit his head back against the brick wall. He felt a bit embarrassed for how easy he had been for Snape to manipulate like that, how easily he gave in to the man's touch…

"HARRY!"

There wasn't much time to think about it when he heard Sirius and Hermione calling his name. Clearing his throat and straightening his clothes, Harry walked back out onto the street.

"Harry! Where have you been? We've been worried!" Hermione exclaimed, throwing her arms around him.

"Erm…Sorry, Draco left something in the shop so I went to go give it to him," Harry lied.

"Try to let one of us know where you're going next time, alright, Harry?" Sirius said gently.

"Of course. Sorry," Harry replied, glancing back over his shoulder towards Knockturn Alley as Sirius and Hermione led him back towards the group.

More important than Snape being an arse, was what it all meant. Snape was helping Draco hide something and Draco had a secret on Knockturn Alley. It disturbed him and Harry knew that it was something he was going to have to figure out sooner or later…Hopefully sooner rather than later.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: ** Not my best…It was kind of hard to write. I have a bad feeling the next chapter will be the same lol. I'm just getting so excited for parts coming up that it's hard getting the stuff I need to get done first out of the way. If I had no control I'd probably jump right to all of the amazing parts right away, but sadly it's not as fun without a bit of torture in the lead up first hehehe. Oh well, at least we got a kiss out of this one!

Please review! Makes writing a lot easier when I know what people think and that people are reading and whatnot!

Chapter title lyrics from "Snow" by Kamelot


	34. Where the Soul Conforms to Deeper Needs

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Where the Soul Conforms to Deeper Needs _

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

It was their first time boarding the Hogwarts Express without Ron. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley and Sirius had come along to see them off and Mrs. Weasley had been in tears on and off all morning. She hugged Ginny tightly and didn't seem willing to let her go and repeated the process with Harry and Hermione, needing Mr. Weasley or Sirius to urge her to let them go, telling her they would be fine. Harry felt awful as she held him tightly and sobbed against him, telling him to behave and stay safe.

"Try not to get into too much trouble, Harry," Sirius said with a smile once he got Mrs. Weasley away and hugged Harry himself. "Write as often as you can. If Malfoy starts becoming trouble-"

"I know, I'll be fine," Harry assured him, feeling Ginny take his hand and pull him to the train. Hermione had already gone off to perform her prefect duties with tears in her eyes. She'd be doing it all without Ron by her side.

"Mum really knows how to make things hard, doesn't she?" Ginny mumbled as they moved down, looking for an empty compartment. Her voice was shaky and her own eyes were wet with tears and Harry resisted the urge to stop her and give her a hug.

"Harry! Ginny! Over here!" called out Neville, hanging out of a compartment midway down. Ginny pulled Harry along and they sat inside. It was just Neville and Luna in there for now, Luna reading _The Quibbler_ per usual.

"Oh, hello, Harry and Ginny!" Luna said with a smile, glancing up from her reading. "Are we still doing the D.A. this year?"

"No point now we've got rid of Umbridge, is there?" said Harry.

"I liked the D.A.!" Neville exclaimed, looking disappointed. "I learned loads with you!"

"I enjoyed the meetings, too," said Luna serenely. "It was like having friends."

Harry squirmed where he sat, feeling a bit uncomfortable. He was luckily saved from having to say anything by loud voices outside. Everyone turned to look at the door as voices came closer, the sound of girls arguing before opening the door and a young girl with dark eyes and dark hair strode in.

"Hi, Harry. I'm Romilda Vane," she said loudly and confidently. "Why don't you join us in our compartment? You don't have to sit with _them_."

"They're friends of mine," Harry said coldly.

"Better company than you, I imagine," Ginny added, glaring at Romilda.

"Oh?" Romilda asked, raising an eyebrow and glancing up at Ginny.

"Thanks for the offer, though," Harry quickly said before Ginny or Romilda could do anything to each other.

"Yeah…No problem," Romilda said, looking surprised. "Later, Harry."

Ginny spent several minutes complaining about how rude Romilda was while Neville and Luna went on about how they weren't cool enough to be around them, which Harry had to reassure them that they were very cool and remind them that they had helped him at the Ministry. They finally moved on to easier conversations about Quidditch, OWL results, and the upcoming school year.

Near lunchtime, Hermione walked in looking agitated. "Malfoy's not even doing prefect duty! He's just sitting in his compartment with his Slytherin friends," she grumbled. "Does anybody take their duties seriously, honestly?"

"What else would you expect from Malfoy?" Neville muttered anxiously.

"Well he usually goes around bullying the younger students, doesn't he?" Ginny pointed out.

"True," Harry said quietly, glancing at the compartment door. Draco hadn't given him much information when Harry wrote to him after the incident in Knockturn Alley. Harry had a feeling that Draco wasn't being entirely truthful. He wanted to figure out what was going on, but Harry had agreed not to be too friendly around Draco with his Slytherin buddies.

Before he could think too much on it, the compartment door slid open and a breathless third year girl stepped inside. "I'm supposed to deliver these to Neville Longbottom and Harry P-P-Potter," she faltered as she looked at Harry and she turned bright red. She held out two scrolls of parchment tied with violet ribbon. Harry and Neville took their scrolls, looking down at them in surprise as the girl stumbled back out of the compartment.

"What is it?" Hermione asked as Harry unrolled his.

"An invitation," Harry replied.

_Harry,_

_I would be delighted if you would join me for a bite of lunch in compartment C._

_Sincerely,_

_Professor H.E.F. Slughorn_

"Who's Professor Slughorn?" Neville asked, looking confused and a bit worried by his own invitation.

"New teacher," Harry said. "Well, I suppose we'll have to go now, won't we?"

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Slughorn was apparently interested in a group of students he thought might be talented or famous or good for something. Harry was reminded of what Dumbledore had told him about Slughorn, liking to collect people. When their little "Slug Cub" meeting was over, Harry left Neville and pulled on the Invisibility Cloak he had brought along with him. Instead of heading back to his friends, he followed Blaise Zabini into a compartment shared by Draco and his friends. He easily managed to walk alongside Zabini and hopped across the compartment before the door could close. He used an empty seat to hoist himself up onto the luggage rack, making sure the Cloak was secure around him before settling down. Goyle and Crabbe sat side by side and Zabini sat on the other side of them. Across from them sat Draco and Pansy Parkinson, Draco's head resting in her lap.

Draco immediately wanted to know what the invitation was about and Zabini went on to explain the lunch and who all had been there. Draco seemed a bit offended about not having been invited and Harry frowned. He shifted around a bit, trying to listen more closely to everything being said. "-Nott didn't get an invitation, did he? I don't think Slughorn's interested in Death Eaters."

"Well, who cares what he's interested in?" Draco said, looking angry. "What is he, when you come down to it? Just some stupid teacher. I mean, I might not even be at Hogwarts next year, what's it matter to me if some fat old has-been likes me or not?"

"What do you mean, you might not be at Hogwarts next year?" Pansy said indignantly.

Harry wanted to know that, too.

"Well, you never know," Draco said with a smirk. "I might have-er-moved on to bigger and better things."

"Do you mean…_him_?" Pansy asked.

Draco shrugged. "Mother wants me to complete my education, but personally, I don't see it as important these days. I mean, think about it…When the Dark Lord takes over, is he going to care how many OWLs or NEWTs anyone's got? Of course he isn't…It'll all be about the kind of service he's received, the level of devotion shown."

"And you think _you'll_ be able to do something for him?" demanded Zabini scathingly. "Sixteen years old and not even fully qualified yet?"

"I've just said, haven't' I? Maybe he doesn't care if I'm qualified. Maybe the job he wants me to do isn't something that you need to be qualified for," Draco said quietly.

Crabbe and Goyle were both sitting, gaping open mouthed at him. Zabini was muttering under his breath so quietly, Harry didn't understand a word of it. Pansy, meanwhile, was staring down at Draco like he was the most awe-inspiring thing she had ever seen.

"I can see Hogwarts," Draco said after a moment. "We better get our robes on."

Harry moved around a bit, trying to avoid being found while everyone grabbed their trunks. His heart was racing and it was hard to think about everything he had heard when avoiding being discovered. When everyone settled down to start pulling on their robes, Harry stared at Draco. Was he serious? Did Voldemort want him for something? Was he fooling Harry by playing his friend? Or was he in trouble? Harry felt disturbed as he watched them get ready until the train slowed to a stop and Crabbe, Goyle, and Zabini walked out.

"You go on," Draco told Pansy who was waiting for him with her hand held out to him. "I just want to check on something."

Pansy left. Harry and Draco were now alone in the compartment and Harry shifted uneasily where he sat. He could see people filing out through the window. Had Draco noticed him here? His heart pounded harshly in his chest as he watched the blond close the door and sink down into his seat again, burying his face in his hands, tugging at his pale blond hair. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," Draco muttered, hissing to himself and harshly aiming a kick at the wall. Harry cringed and frowned, peering closer at his friend.

"Gotta…get a fucking grip," Draco muttered, taking deep breaths. He looked like he was really panicking. Draco sat up a bit and scratched at his left arm, glaring at it before standing up and pacing around the small area a bit. "Need to…You can do this…I can do this," he mumbled to himself.

"Do what, exactly?" Harry asked, pulling off the Cloak and hopping down to the floor.

Draco jumped, screamed, and spun around, staring at him with wide silvery eyes…filled with horror. "Merlin…Harry! What are you-how long have you-"

"I came in when Zabini came back," Harry admitted. "Draco, what's going on?"

"I…I can't tell you…I…I can't…I…" Draco said, looking close to hyperventilation now. Harry reached out and grabbed his shoulders.

"Calm down, it's okay…I can help you, if you need me," Harry offered. He still wasn't entirely sure about Draco. Maybe Draco _had_ known he was there and was just playing him now. He would have to be careful, but for now Draco was his friend and Harry wanted to help him.

"I have…I have to, Harry. I can't…I have to…have to protect my family…you…you have to understand I…I don't _want_ this," Draco exclaimed, tugging at his hair some more. "Fucking shit."

Draco shook his head vehemently and stood up straight, taking several deep breaths. "I'm fine…I'm fine, we need to…to get to the castle," Draco rasped out, fumbling with the door and walking away quickly.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The welcoming feast was over and Severus could not have been more grateful. He had taken some joy in the shock and horror plastered on the students faces when Albus introduced him as their new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. It was all fine until he saw the looks coming from Harry and Draco. There was fear there, yes, but it had less to do than fear of him than fear for him. Severus had told Draco when he was given the job, and Draco immediately worried about the curse on the position. Even weeks of having the news, the boy was still upset, worried that something bad was going to happen (especially with the Unbreakable Vow he had given to Narcissa and Draco's task for the Dark Lord). Harry, too, must have been concerned about the position and the curse it had had for so long. A well known curse. Severus himself didn't like to think about it much, didn't care to put too much thought onto what it meant.

Now he was glad to be away from the stares and whispers and certainly away from Harry Potter. Just last week he had _kissed_ the boy. He liked to tell himself it was just to keep the boy distracted, but Severus understood it for what it was. It was just getting harder and harder…There was no way he was going to be able to continue with the boy's lessons. Severus was beginning to doubt if he could even have the boy in his class. Severus was proud of his control and his ability to lie and hide things, but somehow, Potter was making it all entirely impossible. It was becoming a physical and mental struggle to stay away from him and keep himself from going too far with the boy. The temptation was becoming stronger and stronger and Severus honestly doubted his abilities to handle this.

Severus had every intention of telling Albus so in their little meeting. Severus knew very well that Albus would want to talk about the boy. What else would he want to talk about? Albus had given up hope of saving himself…The only person he found more interesting to talk about these days than Potter was Draco Malfoy, and even then Potter somehow always came back into the conversation.

Walking up to the gargoyles, Severus gave the password and began up the moving staircase, pausing only long enough to knock on the door. "Come in, Severus!" Albus called out.

He sighed and stepped in. "You wished to see me, Albus?"

"Sit, my boy, sit," Albus said with a cheery smile.

Severus's eyes narrowed suspiciously. Obediently he sat in the chair in front of Albus's desk, sitting rigidly at the edge.

"Relax, my boy," Albus said with a smile. "You aren't in trouble."

"I should hope not," Severus snorted. "Why _am_ I here?"

"Several reasons," Albus explained, sitting up straight in his seat. "First of all, I would like for you to tell me your feelings for Harry Potter."

Severus froze, staring as blankly as he could manage at his employer. "I do not see-"

"You love him, don't you?" Albus asked with a sad smile.

Severus said nothing, only eying him suspiciously. He did his best to keep himself perfectly calm, breathing deeply and refusing to let anything show. He was not prepared for this. "I do not intend to do anything inappropriate with the boy, Albus."

"I know you very well, Severus…After all of these years. And you must admit, I have a knack for reading people," Albus said kindly. "Feel free to speak openly with me, Severus. I have no intentions of getting you into trouble."

"You have a tendency of being quite annoying, Albus," Severus said blandly.

Albus chuckled. "Ah, of course. But that does not answer my question. Do you love Harry, Severus?"

Taking a deep breath, Severus hesitantly answered. "Yes, I believe I do. Which is why, Albus, I would request to hire Harry a private tutor…I do not think it would be wise to have him in my class or for him to serve detention with me or anything. I do not intend to do anything immoral, but I believe it would be safe to-"

"No, no, Severus," Albus said, holding up his hands. "Forgive me for interrupting, but you have the wrong idea."

Severus raised his eyebrow and Albus just smiled.

"When I first thought of you and Harry having feelings for one another, I must say, I was mildly surprised. I cannot say I was immediately accepting of the idea. Perhaps not for the prejudices our community has faced for thousands of years…I am perfectly accepting of your sexuality. But there was the matter of age, your positions, and the fact that you both seemed to hate one another for a very long time…While I always knew you would both get along if given the chance, I never imagined it would become so…strong.

"I have come to face very important facts since then, Severus. I know that…the ability to love is perhaps Harry's greatest strength. And maybe even the thing you fear most. Do you deny this, Severus?" Albus asked with a reassuring smile and Severus only scowled at him. "Love, my dear boy, is a very powerful thing. And I think that it is something that will do you both a great deal of good…and I am under the firm belief that it is a gift you both well deserve.

"Harry loves you greatly, Severus. I saw that the day you nearly died. I heard it in his voice as he screamed for my help and I saw it in the way he looked at you while we brought you back to the castle. You are not doing yourself much good in denying your feelings…I cannot force you to do anything, Severus, but I must encourage you not to deny him or yourself."

Severus did not squirm in discomfort was he was so tempted to, nor did he interrupt the headmaster's speech, as he was also tempted to. He sat, letting the words wash over him, trying not to feel so uneasy by the very thought of love or doing something about it. He wanted to take it all back and refuse it and call Albus crazy for saying such a thing. It obviously wasn't getting him where he wanted to be.

"I think you should resume Harry's lessons," Albus added.

"You want me to…involve myself…with a student?" Severus demanded, voice cooler and calmer than he felt. "There are laws, Albus, and school rules."

Albus nodded his head slowly. "I am not encouraging you to have sex with the boy, Severus," he said, though he said it in such a manner that Severus assumed there wouldn't be many consequences if he did. Albus, to his credit, didn't seem entirely sure of what he was saying.

"It is wrong, Albus," Severus said, trying to keep the pleading out of his voice.

"Love is never wrong, Severus," Albus said quietly. "Give it a chance, Severus. I think you could both be happy, if you would let love take its course."

Severus snorted, feeling nauseous. At the same time, though, he felt a strange…something in his stomach and in his chest. He almost felt relieved or excited or _something_ pleasant due to Albus's encouragement.

"This is ridiculous," Severus said.

Albus just kept smiling. Severus hated him for it. "At the very least resume the boy's lessons. He really does need them…What lessons I will be having with him aren't…quite everything he will need. And I have every faith in your ability to teach him, Severus," Albus said, an amused twinkle in his blue eyes.

"Of course," Severus said dully, feeling very much like this was his doom. He was just going to have to be better, stronger, he told himself determinedly. He was not going to just fall over and give in to all of this silliness, even if the headmaster was encouraging him to do so. Albus Dumbledore saying something was okay, did not automatically make it right.

He _couldn't_ do that.

"Now, the only thing I have left to say is about Draco Malfoy," Albus said. "Do keep an eye on him, Severus. Help him…And keep me informed of what is happening with him. I am hopeful that his friendship with Harry Potter will keep him from making an awful mistake. He has the uncanny ability to bring out the best or the worst in people…Let us pray it is the former in this situation."

"Is that all, headmaster?" Severus asked.

"Of course. You may leave now, Severus…You have your first Defense lesson to prepare for tomorrow," Albus said with a smile.

Severus nodded and stood up, trying not to look so eager to leave the man's insufferable presence. Really…suggesting he engage in some sort of relationship with Harry Potter! The man was certainly only making the strong temptation the boy posed even stronger. It was almost as if fate was trying to shove them together. Severus scoffed at the thought. Whatever it was was going to have to work a lot harder. Severus Snape was not giving in that easily.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

What was he doing here? Harry shifted nervously on his feet as he walked around the desk in Snape's office. He uncertainly slipped off his Invisibility Cloak and folded it over his arm, raising his fist and hovering it just barely away from the wall. Maybe he should wait and approach the man tomorrow about lessons.

Hearing that Snape had been given the Defense Against the Dark Arts post had honestly worried him. Wasn't it bad enough that Snape had to be a spy? No, he had to be given a cursed position on top of it all. There were…not so dangerous ways for teachers to not return. Maybe he would be given the potions position back…or he could quit or…something. It didn't have to necessarily be anything bad, did it?

Taking a deep breath, Harry knocked on the wall, though perhaps not loud enough. Apparently it didn't matter much, as the door behind him burst open and Harry jumped and spun around. Snape stood in the doorway, frozen, just staring at him for a moment.

"Very well, Potter. We will start your private lessons Wednesday afternoon. You can return to bed now," the man said stiffly.

"Oh…umm…thanks?" Harry said, surprised. Harry looked around for a moment, not sure if someone was Polyjuiced as Snape again or if it was a prank or something.

"I have no intentions of toying with your emotions again, Potter, you may leave now," Snape said, sounding incredibly irritated. Harry blinked in surprise and slowly nodded his head.

"Erm…Right," Harry said, still feeling confused, though he began moving. "Umm…Congrats on the new…job, sir."

"Good night, Potter."

Suddenly he out in the corridor, a door being slammed in his face.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **Okay, so, I kind of had to switch up a few things with this chapter and the next few to make things…you know, going lol. But I'm not really sure how well it all fits together, so hopefully this chapter and the next few will turn out well. Let me know what you think! You know I love reviews!

Chapter title lyrics from "The Edge of Paradise" by Kamelot.


	35. To Keep From Floating Off Into Romantic

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_To Keep From Floating Off Into Romantic Speculations_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Being a sixth year had its benefits, Harry learned the following day. After meeting with McGonagall to get his schedule (and a list of hopefuls for the Quidditch team) he had a free period that he got to spend in the common room. It felt a bit lonely and Harry found himself thinking about his best friend again…Ron should be here. They'd be able to have fun together before classes…Harry had a feeling the first bit of school was going to feel like this…Doing things and literally feeling Ron's absence. Luckily seventh year Katie Bell, the only remaining member of the original Gryffindor Quidditch team that Harry had joined his first year, was in the common room and Harry was able to occupy himself by discussing Quidditch tryouts and plans for this year's team with her. Towards the end of his free hour, a few others came up to mention they were interested in joining and started sucking up a bit, which Harry found annoying.

Eventually he broke away to head to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom where he found Hermione waiting anxiously outside. "We got so much homework for Runes! A fifteen inch essay, two translations, and I've got to read these by Wednesday!"

Harry eyed her armful of books and didn't envy her at all. "Wow."

"I bet Snape gives us loads," she groaned.

Harry smiled, ready to make a response when the classroom door opened and Snape stepped into the corridor. Silence fell over the queue immediately. Harry swallowed hard, letting his eyes trail over the dark figure before them. His authority and power were clear and Harry didn't think he had ever found it so damned attractive before.

"Inside," Snape said.

Harry looked around the classroom as they entered, barely noticing as Hermione took his hand. He was used to her need for touching and closeness these days, and he didn't mind it so much, as long as she didn't try going too far. Harry was more interested in the room they were now in, gloomier than usual with the curtains drawn over the windows and dramatically lit by candlelight. Gruesome pictures adorned the walls, many showing people in pain or sporting grisly injuries or strangely contorted body parts. The room remained quiet as everyone settled down. Snape really did like setting a mood, didn't he? Harry looked around to the faces of his classmates, a few of them looking very nervous where they sat.

"I have not asked you to take out your books," Snape said, closing the door and moving to face the class from behind his desk. Hermione quickly dropped her copy of _Confronting the Faceless_ back into her back and used her feet to kick it under her chair. "I wish to speak to you, and I want your fullest attention."

His black eyes roamed over their faces and Harry couldn't help but think that the man didn't have to ask to have his attention…Though Harry wasn't sure how well focusing on his little speech would go. He had to push thoughts like those out of his head…Of everything, this would probably be one of his most useful classes. He had to face Voldemort and probably before too long. He'd have to take this just as seriously as their private lessons. Harry sat up straight and tried to keep his mind focused where it should, and he couldn't help but notice the way those black eyes lingered over him a few seconds longer than anyone else, something very intense deep in those eyes that took his breath away. Then he glanced away and Harry could breathe again, feeling more confused than ever.

"You have had five teachers in this subject so far, I believe," he began. "Naturally, these teachers will have all had their own methods and priorities. Given this confusion, I am surprised so many of you scraped an OWL in this subject. I shall be even more surprised if all of you manage to keep up with the NEWT work, which will be much more advanced."

Snape began moving slowly around the edge of the room, speaking in a lower (and more seductive, if Harry dared to think it) tone. Harry found his eyes and body moving easily and eagerly to follow the man's every move.

"The Dark Arts," said Snape, "are many, varied, ever-changing, and eternal. Fighting them is like fighting a many-headed monster, which, each time a neck is severed, sprouts a head even fiercer and cleverer than before. You are fighting that which is unfixed, mutating, indestructible. Your defenses must therefore be as flexible and inventive as the arts you seek to undo. These pictures give a fair representation of what happens to those who suffer, for instance, the Cruciatus Curse, feel the Dementor's Kiss, or provoke the aggression of the Inferius." Each time he indicated a different picture on the wall as he swept past it. Harry only offered each picture a glance before his attention was stolen away again by Snape. He swallowed hard, his entire body alert and tingling with anticipation. For what, he wasn't exactly sure.

"Has an Inferius been seen, then?" Parvati Patil asked in a high-pitched voice. "Is it definite, is he using them?"

"The Dark Lord has used Inferi in the past, which means you would be well-advised to assume he would use them again. Now…" Snape said, walking around the other side of the room towards his desk. "you are, I believe, complete novices in the use of nonverbal spells. What is the advantage of a nonverbal spell?"

Hermione's hand instantly shot into the air and Harry had to lean to the side a bit, in fear that it might accidentally hit him. Snape took his time looking around the class and Harry couldn't help but smirk and glance to Hermione, who looked patiently at Snape before he gave in and finally called upon her, though he looked anything but pleased. "Very well-Miss Granger?"

"Your adversary has no warning about what kind of magic you're about to perform," said Hermione, "which gives you a split second advantage."

"An answer copied almost word for word from _The Standard Book of Spells, Grade Six_," said Snape dismissively. A few Slytherins sniggered. "but correct in essentials. Yes, those who progress in using magic without shouting incantations gain an element of surprise in their spell-casting. Not all wizards can do this, of course; it is a question of concentration and mind power which some," his black eyes lingered over Harry and Harry rolled his eyes, feeling his face heat up a bit. "lack."

Snape was probably thinking of their many failed Occlumency lessons from last year, though he had to bite his tongue to keep from reminding Snape that he had started getting better towards the end. Snape continued looking at him and Harry met his gaze, glaring at him a bit in annoyance. The Slytherins all had a good laugh until Snape finally looked away.

"You will now divide into pairs," Snape said. "You must attempt to jinx your partner _without speaking_ and the other will attempt to repel asid jinx in _equal silence_. Carry on."

Harry found himself partnered with Hermione, feeling a bit nervous. Last year, Snape had attempted on a few occasions to get him to work on nonverbal spells, but hadn't had much luck with them. He had tried disarming nonverbally, mostly, but hadn't done much more than make Snape's wand twitch (which was quite the feat for him, at the time). A lot of people were cheating, whispering incantations under their breath. Snape walked around the room, though, and was sure to call anyone out who he caught doing so.

"Ten points from Gryffindor, Finnigan, for not following simple instructions!" Snape barked.

Harry was doing his best to perform a Jelly-Legs Jinx…He doubted Snape would show any approval in class, but he did want to impress the man. He couldn't help himself. It was, however, hard, when he wanted to keep watching the man. Harry had barely seen him for two months, barely heard from him at all, and they wouldn't be starting lessons for another two days.

"Careful, Harry," whispered Hermione, "people might talk if you get caught staring."

Right. Harry cleared his throat and forced himself to focus more. He pressed his lips tightly together, hoping to reduce the temptation to whisper the words like so many of his classmates were doing. He repeated the words over and over again in his head, wand held out, focusing all of his energy into what he wanted to happen. After a few minutes he finally felt something happen, almost surprised as a shot of light headed towards Hermione, only to be deflected by her wordless Shield Charm.

"Oh my God, Harry! That was amazing!" Hermione squealed excitedly, running forward to throw her arms around him. Harry grinned proudly and hugged her back excitedly. Snape was just behind them, looking away the moment Harry looked up at him. If Harry didn't know any better, he would say Snape almost looked proud.

"Potter. Granger. Please refrain from these childish public displays of affection in my classroom," Snape snarled instead. "Twenty points from Gryffindor."

Hermione blushed and stepped back and Harry looked around. Everyone was looking at them now, smiling and whispering and Harry could have groaned. As if he didn't have enough attention. Ever since boarding the train yesterday everyone had been watching him. With what had happened at the Ministry at the end of last school year, it wasn't much of a surprise.

"Maybe he's jealous," Hermione said with a hopeful smile. Harry was sort of surprised she was still so encouraging about the whole matter, but he was grateful for it. It was better than being scolded about school rules and such things.

"Maybe," Harry agreed, smiling in return. "Guess it's your turn to jinx me, huh?"

Hermione just grinned. Harry made the mistake of panicking and saying his Shield Charm out loud when Hermione cast a nonverbal jinx in his direction. That cost Gryffindor another ten points and Harry felt a bit disappointed in himself. Hermione was encouraging, though, and he managed to one more nonverbal spell before class ended. He left the class feeling a bit elated and had to resist the urge to stay after class. He wanted to talk to Snape, but it's not like he had a good enough reason to do so.

"No offense, but I'm surprised you managed so well. Hardly anyone did an actual nonverbal…I think we were the only ones!" Hermione chirped happily. "I'm so proud of you!"

"I'm proud of me," Harry grinned. "Snape tried to teach me nonverbal a bit last year…Not much, but a little bit…Never did much. I think he looked pleased when I managed it," he confessed. He was probably just being hopeful, but he could have sworn he saw something of that nature in the second he had looked at the man's face.

"Well it's great…You're just taking everything more seriously," Hermione replied. Harry was tempted to defend himself, but she was right. He thought he had been doing a lot last year, but towards the end, when he was really putting all he had into his lessons, he knew he hadn't been trying hard enough from the start. "Though you should be more careful with your…ogling, Harry," Hermione teased.

"I couldn't' help it," Harry said with a sheepish grin. "I think everyone was a bit nervous when he started talking about the Dark Arts, but…I dunno, I just thought it was sexy."

"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed, blushing madly.

"Well," Harry said, chuckling nervously. The only other person Harry had been open with about his feelings for Snape had been Draco, and even then, most of the time he was too upset to talk about him. Now, though, he felt a bit liberated and excited that he could share this with someone.

"I suppose he _does_ have a rather…nice voice," Hermione admitted.

"He makes everything sound so seductive," Harry said.

"He really does! No worries, he's all yours, but I have to admit…I don't entirely blame you for being so attracted to him," Hermione said. "I mean, he's not…attractive by most modern standards…But well, I've started to see it a bit," she admitted.

"Hermione," he scolded teasingly with a smile.

"What?" she exclaimed, face still red and giggling. She reached out and took his hand and Harry gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Harry! Hey, Harry!"

Harry looked around. Jack Sloper, a Beater from last year's Quidditch team, was jogging towards him, holding a roll of parchment.

"For you," Jack panted. "Listen, I heard you're the new captain. When are you holding trials?"

"I'm not sure yet. I'll let you know."

Jack continued speaking, but Harry didn't pay him much mind as he took the parchment. Recognizing the thin, slanted writing, he quickly unrolled it and left Jack mid sentence.

_Dear Harry,_

_I would like to start our private lessons this Saturday. Kindly come along to my office at 8 P.M. I hope you are enjoying your first day back at school._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Albus Dumbledore_

_P.S. I enjoy Acid Pops_

Harry and Hermione spent the whole break discussing what Dumbledore might teach him and afterwards moved on to talking about his lessons with Snape that would begin Wednesday. Harry was free to tell her all of the things he loved about Snape and even caught her up on when the man had kissed him during their trip to Diagon Alley. Hermione seemed so excited for him and eager to contribute to the conversation and Harry was glad for it, though towards the end he began feeling a bit too much like a girl for being so giddy over a guy. Hermione assured him that there was no shame in expressing ones feelings, especially to their best friend. Eventaully, Hermione had to leave for her Arithmancy class and Harry headed up to their common room to work on Snape's homework, which was harder than he imagined it would be. Hermione wasted no time helping him while starting on hers when she returned.

Eventually the bell for their double Potions class rang and they headed down the familiar path to the Potions classroom. Not many people had made it into the NEWT class. Draco Malfoy, Theodore Nott, Daphne Greengrass, and Blaise Zabini had all made it from Slytherin. Four Ravenclaws and then Ernie Macmillan from Huffelpuff. Ernie greeted Harry and Hermione, but they barely had time to talk before the door opened and Slughorn let them all in.

Hermione had taken his hand again and Harry was well aware of all of the stares they were getting. As they walked in, though, his attention was taken by the large cauldrons stationed in the room, all emitting vapors and odd smells. Harry sniffed at them, especially when they sat at the table by the golden cauldron. It was the most tantalizing scent Harry could ever remember smelling, somehow reminding him of his favorite treacle starts, broomstick handles, and that strong musky scent that made him think of Snape. He sat slumped in his chair, feeling very relaxed as he breathed in slowly and deeply.

"Now then!" said Slughorn when they were all seated, instructing them to take out their things. Harry pulled out his scales and potions kit, but couldn't find his book anywhere. Frowning, Harry raised his hand. "Sir?"

"Harry, m'boy?"

"I haven't got my book, I-" he began.

"Oh, it's fine," Slughorn said, waving his hand dismissively. "You can borrow one from the cabinet." He strode over to the cabinet and after a moment of searching he pulled out a very battered copy of _Advanced Potion-Making_ and handed it to Harry.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Severus had made it through the day without doing anything stupid and felt a bit more relaxed as he walked to the Great Hall for supper. He had held class with Harry Potter without shoving the boy into the wall and snogigng him senseless. He also managed not to take a hundred or more house points, detention for a year, and hexing the Granger girl for her overly affectionate nature with Harry. He had also been lucky enough not to be cornered by the brat alone. Yes, it had been a very productive and very good day, all in all.

"You know, Minerva, I heard that Harry Potter and Hermione Granger are dating again!" Aurora Sinistra was saying.

Severus's hand tightened around his fork.

"Yes, I believe that I, too, have heard such a rumor," Albus was saying and Severus ignored the man's twinkling glance.

"Yes…Though she was so smitten with Ronald Weasley, I'm a tad surprised she's moved on," Minerva was saying with a disapproving frown, glancing towards her House table. Severus resisted the urge to do the same.

"Perhaps they are merely looking to one another for comfort in such a tragic time," Sibyll said with a nod of her head. "Very Dark times lie ahead for them both…They must take joy in one another while they still can."

"Of course," Minerva said dryly.

"They do make a rather cute couple, though," Charity Burbage was saying.

Severus wanted to stab her in the eyes with his fork.

"What do you think, Severus? Do you think they make a cute couple?" Albus was asking quietly, so that none of the other teachers and their silly gossip could hear them.

"Stop with your bizarre games, Albus," Severus muttered. "It's not going to work."

"I was merely asking a question," Albus said innocently.

"Of course you were," Severus muttered.

"So…Do you have anything planned for your lessons with Harry on Wednesday?" Albus asked conversationally. He could play innocent all he wanted, Severus still knew what he was playing at.

"I intend to hex, jinx, and curse him so much that he will regret having asked me for lessons in the first place," Severus grumbled.

"Hmm," Albus said with that insufferable smile of his.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **So, it's not much, but still important to the story! I'll admit, I stole Snape's whole speech and a few other lines from HBP. Did so with the last chapter, too, lol. It was too good to leave out! Especially when we all know how sexy Snape is when he talks and uses big words and all of that fun stuff! Anywho, I'm pretty excited for upcoming chapters so I'll probably have the next one up later today!

Thanks so much to my reviewers! Thanks to vampirexsama…I'm glad you're liking it! And I don't mind suggestions, though I already have an idea of who Hermione will end up with. To xXxElectraxXx, I'm glad you're still reading! Finally, unreadmind, thanks for leaving a review and for reading! I'm so glad you're enjoying the story!

Chapter title lyrics from "I Didn't Say I Was Powerful, I Said I Was a Wizard" by Chiodos.


	36. We Must Succumb to the Feelings We Can N

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_We Must Succumb to the Feelings We Can Never Face_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"I love you so much, Harry."

Green eyes lit up excitedly and a broad, silly grin formed on the boy's full lips. Severus slowly smiled in return and traced the other's smile gently with his index finger. That emerald gaze softened into that look of absolute love that tugged at his heart and told him that there was nowhere else he would rather be, nothing else he would rather be doing, and no one else in the world he would rather be with. This was destiny. Meant to be. How could he have ever thought otherwise?

"I love you, too, Severus," Harry whispered quietly, kissing the tip of the finger that moved across his mouth.

Gods, the boy was gorgeous. Severus shifted closer on the bed, pulling the other's body closer to his. Never had he had such a beautiful and responsive lover. Harry reacted easily to every touch, even every word Severus spoke. It was just the two of them, wrapped up in their utterly perfect world. Strong arms were wrapped comfortably around Severus's body and never had the touch of another made him feel so safe and cared for. It was almost frightening, that feeling. Still, he remained relaxed as he leisurely trailed his fingertips down the boy's spine while the other dropped from his mouth and moved down the side of his slender body.

They held gazes for the longest time and Severus had never felt more content in anything in his life. Harry seemed to feel the same way. Oh, he had the most beautiful green eyes. They weren't Lily's eyes anymore. They were Harry's. So alive and full of passion and excitement and _love_. If Severus never believed his words, the boy's eyes left no doubts within him whatsoever. It was almost as if those eyes were reaching out and touching the very depths of his soul, forcing him to _feel_ the truth of his feelings and his love. It was exhilarating.

"I feel like I'm drowning in you," the boy whispered, voice shaky from some overwhelming emotion, but Severus didn't worry. He knew it was nothing bad. Nothing bad could touch them here.

"I feel the same," Severus assured him, slowly leaning in. Their lips brushed softly against one another, slowly deepening, feeling as though they were sinking under the surface of a large, beautiful ocean, drowning in each other…Every glance, every touch and they were melting into each other, falling into one another. Breathing, thinking, anything but feeling seemed impossible and unwanted. Severus reveled in the taste of those warm, full lips beneath his, his tongue gently probing into Harry's mouth, gently exploring the wet cavern and that strong, sweet taste of all of the sugary toppings they had enjoyed off of one another only an hour earlier. Harry emitted a quiet groan that made him kiss the boy deeper, hold him impossibly closer and tighter.

"Oh my God!"

The female voice barely registered with either man, too caught up in one another to dare stop. It took sharp nails in his arm and a tight grip around him, pulling him away for him to pay attention. Severus growled and glared up at the woman beside the bed, his eyes suddenly widening as he sat up quickly in bed.

"Lily," Severus whispered in horror.

"Mum?" Harry asked in nervous surprise.

Lily stood, looking as furious as Severus had ever seen her. She was young…Forever frozen at the age of twenty. Her skin was as pale and white as the petals of her namesake, her blazing eyes as brightly emerald green as her son's, and her hair seemed to be whipping around her by wind Severus didn't feel, like angry, dark red flames. Her hands were resting on her hips, glowering at Severus like he was the scum of the earth.

"How _dare _ you touch my son?" she hissed. "How could you? He is a boy, Severus! Young enough to be your son! He's _my _son! _My _son, Severus! What is this? You nearly got him killed, Severus! He was only a baby! And me…and my husband…are dead! Suffered because of your…your evil! And now you come here and taint my son? _My_ son? My perfect, beautiful baby boy. What have you done to him? You couldn't have me, so you'll take him. Will you break his heart because I broke yours?"

"No…No, Lily, I would never-" Severus began.

"SHUT UP!" Lily shrieked. "I don't want to hear it! You're a Death Eater! You are nothing but…but evil! You will never…_ever_ be good enough for him! Look at him! You don't _deserve_ him, Severus! He is too good…too noble and beautiful and loving for you! You are the darkness that will put out his light. The bitterness to destroy his sweetness. He is everything you're not and you will do nothing but suck the life right out of him! Get away from him, Severus! Get away! Don't you dare lay a finger on my son!"

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Severus shot up in bed, looking around frantically. He half expected to find a naked Harry by his side or a fuming Lily on the other. He was alone, though, in the darkness, feeling more ashamed of himself than he ever had…and feeling as though his heart had been ripped right out of his chest.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Snape was sitting in his usual chair in his living quarters, Harry straddling his lap and kissing him frantically. Pale hands gripped his shirt and pulled at it, buttons flying off and hitting the floor. Harry shrugged out of his shirt, though he got stuck and required help of Snape to tug the last of it off. He rubbed his hips eagerly against Snape's, tugging gently at the long black hair.

"Harry?"

"Oh my God!"

"Get off of my son!"

Harry jumped out of Snape's lap in a panic, stumbling over the coffee table and landing half on top of it and half onto the couch he normally occupied. Before him stood four very angry people. His parents, Sirius, and Remus. All four stood staring in absolute shock.

"Snivellus!" James roared. "What the _fuck_, you pervert! That's my son!"

"Seveurs, how could you?" Lily demanded.

"Harry, are you okay?" Remus asked in concern.

"It's fine! No, you don't understand, I love him!" Harry exclaimed.

Everyone turned to stare at him in shock.

"But he's a man!" Remus said.

"He's _Snivellus_!" Sirius said.

"Don't call him that!" Harry snapped.

"But…Darling…He's…He's too old for you!" Lily said.

"Are you a fag, Harry?" James asked.

"Don't call me that!" Harry snapped. "So what if I am?"

"Harry, it's wrong," Sirius said.

"My only son!" Lily sobbed.

"And to think, we died for you," scoffed James.

"Should have let Voldy have him and made some normal babies," Sirius said.

"SHUT UP!" Harry screamed, body trembling in his anger and his pain.

"Harry, you need to go find a nice girl," James was saying calmly.

"What about Hermione? Everyone thinks you're with her, anyway," Lily was saying.

"I can't believe my godson is gay!" Sirius was muttering.

"He's my _son_, Sirius, how do you think I feel?" James was muttering.

"We'll get you help, Harry," Remus was saying. "We'll fix you, I promise."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"Harry? Harry, wake up!"

"What? Ah…Sto-…Oh…Mione," Harry mumbled, sitting up and wiping the drool from his face. He heard a bit of giggling, but didn't pay it much mind. His head snapped around, looking for his parents and Sirius and Remus, but they were all gone. He was in the Gryffindor common room and Hermione was pink in the face and staring down at him.

"You okay, Harry?" she asked with concern.

"Umm…Yeah…I guess. Just a bad dream," he mumbled, frowning at the spot of drool on his parchment. He had barely gotten anywhere on his essay for Snape.

"Okay, well, you need to get up…You have lessons with Snape in five minutes," Hermione told him.

"Oh…fuck…right," Harry muttered, scrambling up and stuffing his books and quills and parchment into his bag, heart racing still. He could still hear their voices in his head and he felt sick to his stomach. That wouldn't really happen, Harry told himself. Sirius and Remus loved him…His parents loved him. They would accept him for who he was…and even if they didn't approve of Snape, they'd get over it eventually…That dream…it wasn't right. Shaking his head, Harry straightened his uniform and checked the time. "Thanks, Mione!" he said as he hurried to the door.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

When Potter was a minute late, Severus was hopeful that he wouldn't show up. He wasn't so lucky. Just as he stood up, the door opened, and a very breathless Harry Potter walked in. "Hi…sir," he panted, pausing a moment to catch his breath.

"You're late," Snape said. "You wanted these lessons so much, I assumed you would take more care with them."

"Sorry," the boy grumbled.

Clearing his throat, Severus stood straighter and walked around his desk, pulling out his wand. He quickly cast the usual locking and silencing charms, feeling strangely as though doing so were a very bad idea. "Have you practiced at all, Potter?"

"A bit," Potter said. Severus wasn't sure if he was lying or not, but there was an easy way to tell.

"_Legilimens_!" Severus said, holding up his wand.

Immediately his mind was invaded by Potter's memories. The Granger girl was furious with Harry for doing well in Potions. Then…a bit back…They were leaving his classroom, laughing and discussing Severus. Severus apparently had a sexy voice…Another Gryffindor, Sloper, came up to them and that was when Severus found himself pushed from Harry's mind.

"You can do better," Severus said, wasting no time delving back into Potter's mind. He was laying in bed with the Granger girl and she rolled over and kissed him. Severus felt a flare of fury rise within him, but faded slightly when Potter pushed her away. And just like that, Potter pushed Severus out of his mind. Potter was panting slightly, his cheeks slightly pink.

"It appears Granger can't keep her hands to herself, can she?" Severus snorted, hating how much he wanted to hunt her down and curse her silly.

"Not jealous, are you?" Harry retorted, glaring at him suspiciously.

"Of course not," Severus said coolly. "What is there to be jealous of?"

Harry shrugged his shoulders and shifted where he stood. Before he could be tempted into anything he shouldn't, Severus raised his wand again. "_Legilimens_!"

Severus saw a flash of the boy's dogfather's face before another scene was pushed into his mind. Severus could tell the boy had brought this up on purpose. It was the night in the woods…Severus had been laying on the ground, bleeding to death.

"_I…love…you," _he watched himself struggle to say.

"_I love you, too," _Memory Harry said back, looking like he might cry at any moment.

He watched as the boy grabbed him and shook him, tears rolling down his face as she shouted for Albus's help. The boy even tried to levitate him and failed miserably, only Albus's spell managing to lift him from the ground. He could hardly bear to watch himself floating around, half dead, by Albus's side and pulled out of the boy's mind, heart racing in his chest, the hand holding his wand twitching slightly. "Useless, Potter. Can't even manage the simplest of spells at a serious time."

"I love you," Harry said in return.

Severus was taken aback…That hardly had anything to do with what he had just said and for a few seconds he wondered if he had heard wrong. The boy stood there bravely and confidently, though, his green eyes trying to meet Severus's.

"I really do," Harry said. "I love you…Being away, you being an arse…Nothing has changed that. You can't tell me I don't know how I feel…That I'm too young to understand…I've been through a lot, professor. I've lost a lot. I know what love is and this is it…And I know you love me, too."

Severus just stared at him for a moment, his brain feeling as though it had completely shut down. What on Earth was this brat doing to him? He swallowed hard, willing himself to do something. Order the brat away. Hex him into oblivion. _Something_. Every harsh word seemed to die on his tongue as he opened his mouth. How could he be so cruel to the boy standing there, so open and so magnificent. He stared into those green eyes, defiant and unsure and so filled with so many things it confused him. But the one thing he could see…could _feel_ was the very thing from his dream. He wanted to tear his eyes away…He didn't think he could bear it if he looked any more. He had to stay strong…and get him out of here…

"I do. I love you," he whispered instead.

For a long minute, they were both silent, just staring at each other. Severus had never felt more exposed in his life. He felt as though he were standing before Harry, completely naked, though he was fully dressed. Part of him just waited for Potter to laugh at him and tell him what a fool he was or something of that nature. Severus had had his heart ripped to shreds before and it was not an experience he wanted to repeat.

Harry was not, cruel, though. Instead he moved forward slowly, the same guarded and hesitant look that Severus wore upon his face. Harry, too, seemed afraid that he would be beaten down at any moment. Recognizing this, Severus moved forward to meet him, reaching out when he was close enough to grab the smaller man, pulling him closer (causing the boy to stumble a bit) and leaning down to press his lips to Harry's. He kissed him deeply, pouring all of his feelings into the kiss…Severus had never really understood the meaning of until he kissed Harry. He could feel all of his emotions bubbling up to the surface, seeming to flood towards those areas of him that were touching Harry. It was overwhelming and the strength of the feeling was almost painful. He held onto Harry firmly, feeling as though he was the only thing keeping him grounded.

The taste of him…the smell of him…the feel of him…Everything about Harry was utterly intoxicating. Severus simply couldn't get enough of him, holding him as close to his body as he could, kissing him deeply and swearing he never wanted this to end. He could never let Harry go…It would surely be the end of him. Never in his life had he ever felt so powerfully…It was scarier than anything he had ever faced, this intense joy and love that consumed him. But he couldn't stop it now.

It took all of his strength to pull away from Harry, but he didn't go far. He cupped the boy's face in his hands, panting slightly against the boy's mouth, his black eyes flickering open, watching as green eyes slowly did the same. They looked up at him apprehensively and confused, but he seemed to relax after a moment. Severus just needed to look into his eyes…Needed to see him…Needed to know that this was real. Bright green eyes held his, barely blinking and never looking away. Harry said nothing…didn't move at all. The look in his eyes hit Severus hard…He could feel it radiating from him…All of his desire and love and happiness, overcoming him more than his own, perhaps.

His hands moved slowly from his face, dropping down to strong shoulders and down the smaller man's chest, enjoying the slight tremble the boy gave. Tenderly, Severus leaned in to kiss him again.

They kissed for a long time. It felt like forever. At some point they sank to their knees together and eventually they ended up laying down, Harry settled on top of Severus. Their hands explored one another's bodies, moving beneath clothes to touch bare skin. Their lips never parted for more than a few moments, never saying anything, only looking deeply into one another's eyes before meeting again. There never seemed much of a need to go farther…They weren't lust-driven tonight, only showing one another how they felt through their actions. It seemed a very romantic and cliché notion to Severus later on, but that was exactly what it was.

"I feel like I'm drowning in you," Harry mumbled against his mouth after what seemed both an eternity and only a few seconds.

"I feel the same," he whispered back, kissing Harry again.

It only took a few seconds for it all to come back to him, hitting him hard, like a powerful punch to the stomach.

"Oh my God!" he heard…almost as if Lily was truly standing in the room with them. Black eyes flew open and fear gripped him. Slowly he pulled away, trying not to appear too alarmed as he sat up. "It's getting late."

"Oh," Harry said, sounding confused for a moment before shaking his head. Finally the boy cleared his throat. "Okay…"

He could feel those eyes on him as he stood up and straightened his robes, but he ignored them the best he could. His hands trembled slightly as he buttoned the few buttons of his robes Potter had managed to undo. What on Earth was he doing? His mind screamed at him.

Albus encouraged it, remember? Another voice reminded him.

"Umm…I'll see you tomorrow then," Harry said quietly. He turned to watch the boy walk past him, though Harry continued watching him. He seemed uncertain. "I love you," he said again.

"I love you, too," Severus whispered, feeling torn about doing so.

Harry relaxed a bit and smiled as he walked to the door. Severus pulled down the silencing and locking charms, wand still held up as Harry opened the door.

"_Obliviate_."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **Hehehe. So close and yet…so far. The internal battle rages on…Poor Sevy.

And to xXxElectraxXx…I love him too! Jealous, possessive Snapey is the besty!

Please review!

Chapter title lyrics from "Driven Under" by Seether.


	37. Expose What We're Afraid to See

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Expose What We're Afraid to See_

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Of all of the things he had discussed with Hermione in terms of guessing what Dumbledore would be teaching him, what their lessons actually consisted of had never come to mind. He walked in expecting some brilliant Defense lessons, or some strange magical art that only Dumbledore could teach him. Harry wasn't entirely disappointed. Dumbledore showed him a memory, that of a Magical Law Enforcement employee named Bob Ogden. It was a memory of Bob visiting the Gaunt family…Merope, Morfin, and _Marvolo_. That name alone told Harry the man's identity…As Voldemort's grandfather.

The memories were important, Dumbledore said. Harry supposed he could see why; knowing as much about Voldemort, especially his past, as possible had to be useful, right? Somehow, Harry felt a bit irritated…Thinking that maybe learning a few useful spells and curses might be better suited for destroying Voldemort. He at least had his lessons with Snape, he reminded himself…Even if they took a lot out of him. Occlumency was especially a pain in the ass…He had passed out several times at the end of last year and he didn't even _remember_ anything from their first lesson this year. There were sayings about knowing your enemy, so Harry wouldn't question Dumbledore. He trusted the older wizard…He was the smartest, most powerful wizard anyone knew.

"Sir, am I allowed to tell Hermione everything you've told me?" Harry asked, when the conversation seemed to be drawing to a close.

Dumbledore considered him a moment before answering. "Yes, I think Miss Granger has proved herself trustworthy. But Harry, I am going to ask you to ask her not to repeat any of this to anybody else. It would not be a good idea if word got around how much I know, or suspect, about Lord Voldemort's secrets."

"No, sir, I'll make sure it's just Hermione," Harry explained with a nod. Just Hermione….No Draco, no Snape, no one else. "Good night, sir."

"Hold on, Harry…I only ask a moment more of your time," the headmaster said with a smile. Harry sat back down. "Now…As you may know, I am well aware of your feelings for Professor Snape."

Harry raised his eyebrows, only momentarily and mildly surprised. He knew Snape had told him about…one…of his kisses last year. Dumbledore had had a meeting with him about it, to discuss someone else taking over his lessons since Snape no longer wanted to. Dumbledore had also been there when he had found Snape in the forest…Harry was pretty sure that had made his feelings about the man perfectly clear. Harry shifted nervously where he sat, wondering if he was about to be lectured and told not to molest Snape or something of that nature.

"Erm…Yes, sir."

"You must understand that Professor Snape is a very honorable, brave man…But I'm sure you have figured out by now that getting through to him will be a bit challenging," Dumbledore said.

"Umm…Yeah…" Harry said, feeling more confused than ever.

Dumbledore nodded. "Considering our school laws and the public's general opinion of such matters, should anything happen, you would have to be very discreet. Even without all of the obvious concerns, Severus is a very private man."

"Ummm….Yes…sir?" Harry said, not sure he was understanding correctly.

"Severus will not accept love very easily. However, it seems he has had the fortune of falling in love with a very stubborn young man," Dumbledore said with a smile.

"Er….yeah…sir," Harry said. "So…umm…you want me to…?"

Dumbledore smiled. "As headmaster, I cannot encourage 'inappropriate' behavior between a teacher and a student. However, as an old man concerned about two men he cares about deeply, I must tell you not to give up. Love is a very important and powerful thing, Harry…It could be a very good thing for you both."

This was definitely a dream or something. Last year, when he had kissed Snape, everyone who knew had freaked out a bit. Now Dumbledore was…encouraging him to do something. Harry wasn't sure what, exactly, he was supposed to do. First Hermione, now Dumbledore…It was all very strange.

"Yeah…Yeah, I'll…See what I can do," Harry said.

"Good," Dumbledore said with a smile. "Good night, Harry."

"Good night, Professor."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

While Dumbledore was teaching Harry Potter about Voldemort, the Dark Lord was conducting a meeting of his own. There were a good few of their number missing, due to being caught at the Ministry. They would return when the Dark Lord was ready for them, prepared to let them suffer in Azkaban a while longer as punishment for failing him. It wasn't a horrible punishment…Not when the dementors were on their side and had abandoned the Ministry. The Dark Lord hinted that it would not be long before they would be released. Many were displeased, making many a joke about the uselessness of those who had been arrested, among other things.

He made no mentions of his plans for Draco Malfoy to kill Albus Dumbledore; he didn't trust everyone that much yet. They would eventually know, but for now it was a secret he taunted them with, leaving everyone to wonder who was among the Dark Lord's most trusted. It was an honor, they said, one that you should be proud of. Severus played his part well, but there was something very devastating and sickening in the knowledge that he had somehow become the Dark Lord's new favorite. The disgusted looks Bellatrix Lestrange normally sent in his direction were now filled with hatred and envy. If Severus didn't need his position, he would have gladly given it to her. He wanted no part in these games. No part in any of this, but there was little choice.

This had been his goal since he learned that the Dark Lord was going after Lily and her family. He could not rest, could not give up, could do nothing until the Dark Lord was gone. He stood and he laughed with the others at the cruel things they had done to others and feigned disgust and horror at every success of the Order of the Phoenix.

"Now, let us discuss Harry Potter," the Dark Lord said. It was his favorite subject, it seemed. Severus hated it. He despised having to sit here and listen to the awful things they said about Harry and discussed in detail the horrible things they wished to do to him. If they ever did capture Harry, Severus could kiss his role goodbye…There was no way possible he could sit back and let anything happen to Harry. "How is Draco's relationship with Harry, Severus?"

Draco, a student at Hogwarts, could not sneak out and attend these meetings as easily as Severus could. Anything the Dark Lord wanted Draco to know, would have to be relayed through Severus. "As well as ever, my lord."

"Have you managed to shag him yet, Snapey?" Bellatrix crooned.

"Give that virgin arse a good pounding, then, Snape?" called out Abaddon Avery.

Severus sighed. Every _good_ memory he might have of the boy was tainted by their words. How could he fondly recall kissing him and holding him when they made it all sound so dirty?

"I did manage to accost him in Diagon Alley to keep him from following Draco," Severus admitted. "I was able to do little more than kiss him…His dogfather is on the loose and got worried about he boy being on his own." Severus rolled his eyes. "I will see what I can do, but while Dumbledore remains, he'll have a close eye on me. I'm not entirely sure if I can manage to do much."

"Yes…We cannot have you risking your position too soon, Severus," the Dark Lord said quietly. "Very well…Do any of my other loyal servants have children? Students at Hogwarts who may perhaps seduce young Potter? Sons, of course…I'm afraid we've established that young Harry Potter is a homosexual."

The Death Eaters all seemed uneasy now and Severus refrained from smirking as he wanted. The idea of turning their children gay didn't seem so appealing to them. Bellatrix, Severus noted, eyed them all in disgust. She would have given anything to the Dark Lord. She would probably very gladly mutilate herself and murder herself should the Dark Lord ask it of her. "There would be no shame in such activities if it is in the name of the Dark Lord!" she insisted indignantly. "Stop being such cowards! If I had sons, my lord, I would gladly put them to your service," she said with a low bow.

"I know, my dearest Bellatrix," the Dark Lord said. "No takers? Pity…"

"M-my lord!" said Ezra Nott nervously. "My son…Theodore…is a sixth year Slytherin. Good friends of Draco Malfoy's…He…doesn't have much of a history with the Potter boy. P…Perhaps he might be of some use?"

The Dark Lord grinned slowly. "Of course…Perfect. You will speak to your son, then?"

"Of course, my lord," said Ezra, bowing low.

"Do you think young Theo will be a top or a bottom, Nott?" called out Rabastan Lestrange.

"Oh, shut it!" Ezra snapped. "It is merely a mission…to bring us Harry Potter. Do not think for one moment that my son is some silly little fairy!"

"I dunno, Ez," chuckled Rodolphus Lestrange.

"Hush," the Dark Lord said with a smirk. "Now, you shall write to your son, Ezra, and explain the situation. Severus can keep an eye on things from there, will you not?"

"Of course, my lord," Severus said quietly. His stomach twisted in knots and he felt that familiar burn of anger and jealous roar through him. It was bad enough watching Granger throw herself all over him or remembering the memory of he and Draco kissing. Now he was going to have to encourage Theodore Nott to try his hand at seducing Harry. Severus doubted it would work, but it would still be unpleasant to watch. Severus had no idea how he was going to keep a hold of himself and _not_ strangle the boy, as he would surely want to.

"The more people we have close to Potter, the better," the Dark Lord said. "He would be a fool to trust everyone so easily, but the more we push, the farther we'll go. Potter is a foolish Gryffindor…It shouldn't take much for him to let his guard down and care for people, even in dangerous times such as these."

"You can count on my son and myself to play our part," Ezra Nott said.

"I will aid Theodore and Draco in any way that I can," Severus added.

"Very good," the Dark Lord said. "Though, if you desire the boy…Feel free to continue to find ways around Dumbledore's morals and rules. It would certainly be easier for Potter to fall under your spell, I'm sure."

"It shouldn't be too difficult for Theodore," Ezra began defending. "He is said to be a very attractive young man…Many young women have shown great interest in him…"

_You better hope he fails, Ezra_, Severus thought to himself, grinding his teeth together. He could almost see it in his head, Theodore Nott flirting with Harry. Touching Harry. Kissing Harry. Harry moaning at his touch and kissing him back…Clinging to him as he had clung to Severus. Severus swallowed hard, struggling to keep himself calm and steady, not willing to let anything show. This was becoming a lot more difficult than he expected.

There wasn't much hope. He was just beginning to realize just how deep in this he was.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**Author's Note:** Short chapter, but oh well. Kind of important shiz, you know! Anyway, I'm super glad so many people liked and reviewed the last chapter! Figured that'd get quite the response! You know I couldn't make it easy on you…I'm hoping the time they finally get together, everyone will expect it to be a dream sequence or something to ruin it or something. You know, more fun for moi! I do promise lots of good coming up soon!

Chapter title lyrics from "If I Cut My Hair Hawaii Will Sink" by Chiodos. (Guess we can tell who my favorite band atm is, huh? Lol)


	38. Practiced at the Art of Deception

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Practiced at the Art of Deception_

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Theodore Nott _was_ an attractive young man, Severus noted disdainfully. He didn't tend to find himself partial to sixteen year old boys, but with Theodore's new mission, he found it hard to think about anything but whether or not the boy's charms would actually work on Harry. Theodore was tall and fit and tan from summering in exotic places. He had full lips and clean, straight teeth that could become a charming, crooked smile. His hair was thick and appeared silky smooth to the touch, a beautiful dark brown color with striking cerulean blue eyes. He didn't always smile and he didn't always talk, but that mystery only seemed to make him all the more appealing to the female student body.

Severus already wanted to stab the boy in his pretty eyes the moment he stepped into his office. It couldn't be too hard, could it? Severus was doing everything in his power to shove Harry away. When faced with someone his age, far more attractive, and probably a lot nicer, how could he resist? Ezra Nott had also made a good point. Theodore didn't bring attention to himself the way Draco did. He wasn't entirely blameless in the horrible things the Slytherins did, but Theodore didn't make himself known for things and he certainly didn't have any sort of negative history with Harry and his friends. And if Harry Potter could find himself good friends with Draco Malfoy and _in love_ with Severus Snape, how much easier would it be for Theodore Nott to charm him?

"I assume your father has told you what you are to do?" Severus asked as Theodore sat in the chair beside Draco in front of his desk.

"Yes, Professor," said Theodore with a deep frown.

"No objections?" he asked, sure to keep his voice steady and betray nothing.

"No, sir," Theodore replied.

"I doubt the idea of screwing the Boy-Who-Lived is appealing," Draco teased.

"It's not," Theodore said. "But for my father and for the Dark Lord, I will do what I must."

"Good," Severus said, though it wasn't good at all. "It would be wise to do what you can immediately. You know the Dark Lord will want to see progress immediately."

"Yes, sir," Theodore said. The corners of his lips twitched up into a mischievous smirk that Severus didn't like. "I've got a plan."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Harry Potter sighed heavily as Hermione swiftly left class ahead of everyone else, in an absolutely rotten mood. Harry packed away his Potions book and stood up, smiling and nodding at the praise that Slughorn continued to shower over him. While he had found his newer copy of the required Potions text, he switched the pages with the "ruined" pages of the Half Blood Prince's book. It wasn't his fault he was getting helpful hints…Did she _want_ him to fail? To be fair, he had gotten better towards the end of last year and _had_ managed an O in Potions, but still. It felt good to be doing so well and making such good grades. Hermione was only jealous; when it came to her grades, she had to be the best. It was getting sort of annoying, actually, especially when she was left in such a rotten mood for so long.

"You'd think your friends would be more happy for you."

Harry turned around, raising his eyebrow as Theodore Nott walked up to him. Harry almost groaned, dreading what was likely to come. Draco had warned him this morning that Theodore was going to try to "seduce" him, though they hadn't had enough time together for Harry to ask as many questions as he would have liked. He very well couldn't act like he knew, though…He'd have to play along like he didn't suspect a thing and act uninterested. Which wasn't hard…He really wasn't interested and he doubted that he would be even if he didn't know about this whole plan.

"Yeah," Harry said, feeling uncomfortable as Theodore went to walk beside him, but he didn't object to it. He would at least let Theodore make his attempts. Already he could feel the eyes of their classmates on them as they passed and rolled his eyes as they began whispering.

"I think you're doing great," Theodore said quietly. "A lot better this year…Must be easier without Snape picking on you, eh?"

_Or without Snape distracting me_, Harry thought to himself with a small smile. "Probably. Damn bastard…discouraging my natural talents and all."

"I'm sure you have many of those," Theodore said with a grin.

"What?" Harry asked, raising his eyebrows. That was a bit more forward than he was expecting.

Theodore just smirked. "You know, ah…Draco told me…about your preferences," Theodore explained.

Harry did his best to look surprised and angry. "Don't worry, though," Theodore quickly reassured. "He only told me because of something I told him."

"What reason would be good enough to tell you something like that?" Harry grumbled, voice irritated. His pulse raced, half expecting Theodore to notice something wrong at any moment.

"Because…I'm the same way," Theodore confessed quietly.

Harry's eyes grew wide. "Really?" he asked doubtfully.

"Mhm," Theodore said with a nod, his blue eyes glancing around the corridor. They were almost alone now. The Greengrass sisters were walking side by side, whispering to one another and glancing to Harry and Theodore often. "You don't believe me?"

"I find it hard to," Harry confessed, figuring it wouldn't be realistic to just buy it right off the bat.

"I don't blame you," Theodore said with a chuckle. "But maybe I can prove it?"

Harry did not like the sound of that. His eyes widened in alarm, and before he could say anything he felt Theodore's firm grip on his arm, slowly urging him back against the wall, beside a large statue. His slightly taller body was close and that mouth was only an inch away from his. Warm breath blew against his mouth and he absentmindedly licked his lips. His pulse was racing and for a moment he didn't think to shove him away…Couldn't think of much of anything. "I couldn't believe my good luck when Draco told me that you and I shared certain…pleasures," Theodore whispered and Harry had only just gotten his mind back when those lips pressed against his. The hands moved up his sides and slid around his back, downwards, grabbing his arse and pulling him closer. Harry gasped and squirmed, reaching up to shove the boy away. It felt good, but Harry knew he had to stop this. He didn't want this.

"Nott! _Potter_?"

Theodore pulled away with a grin and flicked his tongue out to trace across Harry's lips before pulling away and grinning. "Good afternoon, Professor McGonagall."

_Oh bloody hell_, Harry thought with a groan. He cleared his throat and stepped out to see Professor McGonagall standing there, looking scandalized. She just gaped at them for a moment before glaring sternly. "Twenty points from Gryffindor and Slytherin and detention Friday night, 8 P.M. in my office!"

"Y…Yes, Professor," Harry mumbled.

"Now, off with you both! The corridors are no place to be…" she said, but didn't finish, instead shaking her head and walking off towards Slughorn's office.

"Friday night, then, Harry," Theodore said, winking and walking off.

Harry just watched him for a moment and looked down the hallway in both directions. There was no one there now and Harry hoped that no one but McGonagall had seen. He _really_ hadn't expected _that_. He figured it would be a slow process of Theodore trying to buddy up, maybe a bit of light flirting…Certainly not full out kissing him and groping him in the hallway the first day.

Getting a hold of himself, Harry turned and swiftly walked down the corridor and practically ran upstairs, nearly running into Draco who just started walking down. "We need to talk," Harry said, jerking his head to get Draco to follow him. He kept walking, well aware of Draco following him, calling after him and asking what was wrong and where they were going and telling him to stop. Harry kept walking, though, heading straight towards the library. To no one's surprise, Hermione sat at one of the tables, surrounded by books.

"Hermione, I need to talk to you," he whispered anxiously, sitting down beside her. She sat stiffly and glanced at him, a harsh look that slowly melted into worry.

"Harry, what's wrong?" she whispered back.

"Yeah…what…the bloody hell…is wrong?" Draco panted, sitting down across from Hermione and beside where Harry sat at one end of the table.

"Nott _kissed_ me," Harry explained.

Hermione went bug-eyed. Even Draco seemed surprised.

"_Theodore Nott_?" Hermione gasped. "Wh…Why?"

"He's trying to seduce Harry," Draco explained. "But…Wow. I didn't think he'd go that far right away." Draco shook his head and slyly grinned. "So, how was he?"

"Not the point, Draco," Harry said through gritted teeth.

"Wait, why is Theodore Nott trying to seduce you?" Hermione demanded.

Harry frowned and glanced to Draco. He didn't mind if Hermione knew that Theodore was working for Voldemort, and he doubted Draco would, either…But he wasn't sure if it would lead to questions they didn't need to answer for Draco's sake.

"He's working on orders from the Dark Lord…and his father," Draco explained. "They want him to get close to Harry. I warned him about it this morning."

"And you didn't tell me?" Hermione hissed.

"There was no time! You were too busy studying or being mad at me," Harry defended.

Hermione sighed. "So…What is the plan exactly?"

"To get into Harry's pants," Draco snorted. "They want people to get close to Harry so they might be able to bring him to the Dark Lord eventually. Gives me a good reason to be seen with Pot-head and a good way to give him useful information." Draco shrugged.

"So…you…?" Hermione asked, eyes widening.

Draco was quiet for a moment and rubbed his left forearm. "Yeah…"

Hermione just stared at his arm for a moment before slowly nodding. "So, we just need to keep an eye on Nott then?"

"Probably," Draco said with a nod. "Since they want him to get close to Harry, I doubt he'll go too far…But that also means he'll probably be keeping a close eye on you, Harry, so you'll need to be careful. It also makes me wonder if he won't have the other Death Eaters using their kids for shit like this. You might need to be careful, too, Granger…I wouldn't put it past them to try to get to Harry's closest friends."

"Okay," Hermione said with a nod.

"Also…McGonagall caught us. She gave us detention together," he muttered with a grimace. "_And_ he grabbed my arse."

"Oh, Harry!" Hermione gasped. "Did anyone else see?"

"I don't think so," Harry said.

"Do you feel violated, Potter?" Draco asked with a grin.

"A bit, yeah," Harry replied with a grin, rolling his eyes.

"You never did tell me how it was," Draco reminded him.

Harry sighed. "Okay, it was pretty good," he admitted. "But I tried to stop him."

"Why?" Draco demanded. "It's hard for a gay boy to get some action…"

"I have an interest in someone else," Harry reminded him.

"Yes, well, that doesn't mean you can't have a bit of fun on the side. You should use this to your advantage!" Draco told him. "A lot of the girls say he's very good."

"We're not all sluts like you, Draco," Harry told him teasingly.

"Yeah, well, you should be," Draco said with a grin.

"It _could_ make…_him_…jealous," Hermione said thoughtfully.

"That's the spirit, Granger!" Draco said.

Harry sighed. "The last thing I need is for the two of you working against me. It could have the opposite affect, you know."

"No, I think it would work," Draco said with a grin.

"And I don't mean you should…have intercourse with him or anything," Hermione added, turning slightly pink. "I only mean that it's not so bad that he kissed you."

"Did you just say intercourse?" Draco asked, chuckling.

"Shut up," Harry told them, glancing around for anyone that might be nearby. "Anyway, what do I do about Nott?"

"Just like I told you," Draco said. "Just let him do what he will, just don't seem interested. Or let him shag you, if you really want."

Harry sighed. "I really do not know how we became friends."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"I can't believe you kissed _Harry Potter_!"

Severus froze at the sound of Blaise Zabini's voice. He stood at the door of his office, hand hovering over the handle, while he listened to Blaise and Theodore speak.

"You saw that?" Theodore groaned.

"Yes! And so did McGonagall, apparently."

"Yeah, well, it's not like I enjoyed doing it."

"You groped his arse and everything! Rubbing against him…Wha-"

"I was doing it on orders," Theodore grumbled. "I'm not a queer, if that's what your asking."

"Well it sure looked like it."

"Like I said, I'm doing it on orders," Theodore said. "Potter's apparently a fairy and they need someone to _seduce_ him. I'm not happy about it, but this is the Dark Lord we're talking about."

"You expect me to believe you're working for _him_?" Blaise said dubiously.

"I think anything should make more sense than me being a homo," Theodore scoffed.

Blaise was quiet for a moment and Severus found that his hand was gripping the door so tightly he was surprised he hadn't broken it off yet. He listened carefully, wanting to hear more and feeling sick the more he heard. He hoped they hadn't walked off yet.

"Don't tell me I'm going to have to fuck Tracey in front of you tonight for you to get it," Theodore finally snapped.

"Well it would restore my faith in you," Blaise said jokingly.

"Have no worries. Tracey's enough of a freak, I'm sure she wouldn't mind putting on a show," Theodore chuckled. "Let's go to dinner…Maybe I can get _Draco_ to tell you…"

Severus listened to them walk off, discussing the attractiveness of Tracey Davis. He had known Theodore would be trying to seduce Harry, but part of him had hoped it wouldn't go so far, especially so fast. Theodore had kissed Harry…_Touched_ Harry. Severus could see the images fly through his head…Harry's face twisted in pleasure while Theodore Nott touched him everywhere.

Never in his life had Severus wanted to take points from his own House more.

Dinner was a difficult affair. Severus could not wait for his lessons with Harry tonight…He surely was a masochist, to want to be near him so much…to want to see it so much…Minerva never spoke of what she had caught Harry and Theodore doing, to his surprise. Others were curious as to why she had given them detention, but all she would say was that she caught them doing something horrible and that was all she would say on the matter. Severus wanted her to say more, but he bit his tongue. He wanted her to paint the perfect picture of what she had seen. Severus glared at his food so that he wouldn't glare at Nott or Potter and he left the moment he could.

He sat calmly behind his desk, feeling the storm brewing heavily inside. The seconds and minutes ticked by too slowly and he was tempted to go out and hunt down Potter and drag him here by his hair. He sat still, though, waiting…biding his time.

Finally Harry walked in and shut the door and Severus immediately put up the silencing and locking charms and wasted absolutely no time pointing his wand at Harry and exclaiming, "_Legilimens_!" with more force and eagerness and dread than he could remember.

He knew what he wanted to see and immediately latched onto it. He knew it was going to make him sick and furious, but he had to know…Had to see it. He was not disappointed. Theodore Nott pushing Harry against the wall, kissing him, running his hands all over that delectable body, groping that firm arse, pulling him close, licking him…Severus didn't note the way Harry tried to push him away. He couldn't see it. He shoved pulled himself out of the boy's mind, pleased by the way he stumbled back and fell straight on his arse, looking confused and irritated.

"Good to see you moving on, Potter," Severus hissed. Harry looked up at him in shock. "Good to see you finally getting over this stupid little crush of yours. Throwing yourself at the first boy who _might_ share your interests."

"I did not throw myself at him! He threw himself at me, if you didn't notice!" Potter snapped, glowering at him.

"I bet you enjoyed it," Severus growled. "Didn't you? He's rather attractive, isn't he? You can't deny that, Potter."

"He's alright, but-"

"He has quite the reputation, you know…He's very good at what he does from what I hear. You'll be very happy," Severus said, voice low and dangerous. He could feel his anger bubbling up hotly within him. He clenched his fists and breathed deeply, struggling to keep control of himself and not to shove the boy over his desk and ravish him the way he so craved to.

"No! I don't bloody want him!" Potter shouted. "I want you!"

"You really should make up your mind, Potter. You can't go from fooling around with little boys to throwing yourself at old men," Severus growled.

"I _have_ made up my mind," Harry snapped. "You just don't want to see it," he said.

"No, Potter, I think I just saw _everything_," Snape snarled as Potter marched forward, startled the moment the boy threw his arms around him and pulled him down into a hard kiss. Snape immediately wrapped his arms around the smaller body and held him tightly, possessively against him.

Potter was _his_.

Potter belonged to him.

Theodore Nott could never, _ever_ have him.

Severus wanted him baldy…To show him that he belonged to Severus. To show him that Theodore Nott could never give him what Severus could, could never make him feel the way Severus could, could never love him or desire him the way Severus did.

"Get out," Severus growled, shoving the boy away harshly.

He couldn't do this. He felt too much…way too much…and this was getting too out of hand.

Potter blinked in surrpise and then glared at him. "Fucking hell, Snape, _stop this_!"

"Get OUT, Potter!" Severus roared, holding up his wand.

"Snape-" Potter said warningly.

It was wrong, but it was the only way to keep them both safe. Severus flicked his wand and watched as the boy soared through the door, the door slamming shut behind him. Immediately Severus heard the boy pounding on the door, screaming at him, calling him a coward, begging him to let him in. Severus turned and hid away in his private chambers, pacing the floors and drinking his favorite brandy, using every ounce of self control he had not to go out there and drag Potter in here with him.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **Hehehe. Thank you to all of my reviewers! I love you dearly! Hope this chapter was to your enjoyment…Severus is finding it harder and harder to resist Harry…But we still can't make it easy, can we? Let me know what you think!

Chapter title lyrics from "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones. That one's for you, unreadmind. I couldn't think of another song to use, so yours was a great suggestion hehehe.


	39. Can't Stop Holding This Treasure In My A

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Can't Stop Holding This Treasure In My Arms_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The moment Harry snapped out of his dream, he jumped out of bed and ran out of the dormitories and through the common room. He was down the first flight of stairs the time his brain caught up with him, but he didn't stop. He let his body carry him where he needed to go. He didn't have his Invisibility Cloak, but he doubted it would have been of much use the way he was running. He was too loud for it to matter and the ends probably would have flown up with the force of his movements, showing his ankles, at least. He didn't care who saw him, as long as no one stopped him. He couldn't stop. He couldn't run fast enough.

All the way there, he saw flashes of what could have been a vision or a very bad dream. Harry wasn't sure which it was. Over and over again he could heard Voldemort's accusing words…He had found out Snape was a spy. He had _killed him_. He could see the man's tall body falling to the ground, those intense black eyes empty and dead. "No, no, no, no, no," Harry chanted over and over again. His legs and his ribs hurt as he ran and his chest felt like it might burst. He could barely breathe. Every time he felt like he was slowing down, he pushed himself harder. Faster. His anger with Snape from their lesson was gone. He didn't care what Snape said or did, as long as he was alive and well. Maybe he was an arsehole, but he was the arsehole Harry loved.

Harry burst easily into Snape's office and ran around his desk to the wall, muttering any Latin term he could think of under his breath. Snape liked to change his passwords nowadays, to keep Harry out. His heart was racing out of control and he was panting heavily, struggling to breathe, but he didn't stop. He spat out every password he knew Snape had ever used and guessed other Latin terms the man might like that Harry knew. He moved on to other things, anything that Snanpe might like and use. The alcohol Snape liked to drink, the titles of some of the books Harry had seen him read…For five minutes he stood there, close to tears, his voice pleading as he gave out different words and phrases. Finally, with the word "Invictus" (the name of a poem Harry recalled the man reading on several occasions), the door slowly appeared and Harry squirmed anxiously while he waited for it to finish and ran through the door the moment he could. He could feel no relief, nothing but anxiety until he knew for sure…

Through the dark he ran, hissing in pain as his knee hit the coffee table and he stubbed his bare toe against the chair. He ran straight into the wall and moved along it until he felt the door and fumbled around for the doorknob before busting in. "_Lumos_!" Harry said anxiously, running straight into the side of Snape's bed, gasping in surprise when the light of his wand illuminated Snape, sitting up straight in his bed, the tip of his own wand lit. The man's eyes were wide in shock. "Potter…" he began.

"Thank God," Harry sighed in relief, sinking to his knees by the bed, sucking in deep breaths and finally allowing his body to relax.

"Potter…How did you get in here?" Snape demanded.

"Spent five minutes guessing passwords," Harry panted out, feeling as though his heart might jump right out of his chest if he didn't calm his breathing down soon.

"What are you doing in here? You-"

"I had a dream…That he killed you," Harry explained, gripping the edge of the bed and pulling himself to his feet. He suddenly felt very foolish, his face and neck heating up and he looked away from the man laying in bed. "I…I had…I needed to know that…that you were okay…"

He could feel those dark eyes boring into him and he shifted on his feet nervously. Snape was quiet for a minute before speaking. "As you can see, I'm fine," Snape said quietly.

Harry glanced up at him, swallowing hard at the look in Snape's eyes…Strange and intense. Harry reached out carefully to touch the man, wanting to be sure that he was real and he was fine. Before he could stop himself he stepped closer and wrapped his arms around him. "It could happen…you know. He could find out and he could kill you. And I don't know how I could handle that."

His heart was thudding in his chest and he felt a bit embarrassed by how honest he was being…But Snape knew his feelings and Harry wanted him to know…Needed him to understand just how strong it was. He knew Snape would push him away at any moment, like he had that evening. But Snape surprised him, reaching out and encircling his arms around Harry's waist, pulling him down on top of him and rolling over so that Harry was in the bed on the other side of him.

"I've made it this far, Harry," Snape whispered, holding him close. "I'll be fine."

"Anything could happen," Harry reminded him quietly.

"I know," Snape said. "You could die just as easily as I could. You're the one he's after."

Harry moved closer to Snape, holding him tighter. _I could lose you, too_, he could almost imagine Snape saying. The way he spoke, that seemed to be exactly what he meant. "You need to stop pushing me away," he whispered.

"You certainly make it difficult," Snape grumbled. "This is wrong, Harry."

"What's wrong is you hurting me and yourself for no real reason," Harry argued, pleased that the man had used his first name, though still half afraid he would be thrown out at any moment.

"There _are_ reasons, Potter," Snape snorted.

"Dumbledore's willing to look past them," Harry told him.

Snape sighed. "He cornered you, too, then?"

Harry laughed quietly, nervously. "You need to stop."

Snape only grunted.

"You were jealous today," Harry pointed out. "You've been driving us both crazy for a long time."

Snape said nothing, but the way he held Harry closer and pulled the blankets out from under him and up around him told him everything he needed to know. Maybe Snape would change his mind in the morning, when he was more awake and had time to think it all over. Harry liked to think, though, that this had finally ended. He snuggled closer to the warm, strong body beside him, inhaling his warm, clean scent happily. He rested his head over Snape's chest, relieved to hear the man's heartbeat, letting himself close his eyes and lose himself entirely.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

It all might have been a very good dream to Severus Snape. It was disappointing, feeling himself waking up and pulled out of another good dream about Harry. He kept his eyes closed, clinging to his steadily fading dream desperately. It was only the sound of snoring that wasn't his that alarmed him and woke him up entirely. Severus's eyes flew open, slowly looking to his left. Harry Potter was laying fast asleep beside him. His hair was even messier than usual, if that was even _possible_. One hand was resting on Severus's chest and the other arm was resting on the pillow above his head. One leg was draped across Severus's knees and the other was stretched out to the other side. His nightshirt had ridden up a bit, revealing a beautiful expanse of smooth, tan skin of his back and sides that Severus longed to reach out and touch. He could, couldn't he? Harry was fast asleep and he was right _there_. Why deny himself even more? What was the point in holding onto his morals and keeping up with the rules when he had allowed a sixteen year old boy to sleep in his bed?

It hadn't been a dream, had it? Harry had really come in here, worried that he had died. He recalled the anxiousness and the relief in those green eyes. That fear and that love that touched something deep inside of him. It was hard…so hard to keep denying himself what he wanted the most, and seeing just how deeply Harry seemed to feel for him only drove that temptation deeper and stronger.

He couldn't do this. Severus moved slowly, feeling suddenly empty as Harry's hand and leg dropped off of him and onto the bed. He looked at the boy longingly, wanting so badly to reach out and touch him and hold him close and kiss him and love him and never let him go. It would be too easy for him to move on. Even if Theodore didn't truly want him, even if Harry didn't want him, there would be someone. And Severus would have to watch as Harry moved on and found love elsewhere. He was Harry Bloody Potter…Even when he was gone from Hogwarts, Harry would have his whole life all over the _Prophet_. He could have him now, Severus told himself. He could keep him here and never let him go and he would never have to worry about having his heart torn out of his chest just thinking of Harry with other men. He could end it all here. He could have him…He could be happy.

Severus shook his head and groaned, burying his face in his hands.

"Snape?"

Severus froze at the sound of the sleepy voice beside him. He felt the bed move beneath him and felt the boy crawl up behind him, strong arms sliding around his middle and the boy's chin resting on his shoulder. Hot breath warmed the side of his neck and Severus tightened his grip in his hair. Warm, soft lips pressed against the side of his neck and Severus sighed, lifting his head. He had to tell Harry to go. He had to stop this. He _had_ to.

Lips moved up to his jaw and his cheek and without thinking he turned his head, allowing the younger man to capture his lips in his own. The touch was soft, hesitant and Severus deepened the kiss. He shifted his body around, turning to face Harry more, holding Harry against him.

The knocking on the door barely registered with them. Severus was only vaguely aware of the knocking. He continued to kiss Harry slowly, deeply, too lost in the feel of it to notice much. It took the knocking to grow louder and to become continuous for Severus to finally snap out of it, clearing his throat as he pulled away and suddenly stood up. "Stay here," Severus ordered. "And shut up."

Severus swept out of his bedroom and through his living room to the door, opening it up to reveal Albus Dumbledore standing there wearing a small smile. "Good morning, Severus."

"Albus," he said, nodding his head.

"Miss Granger and Mr. Longbottom are worried because Harry was not in his bed when he woke up," Albus explained. "Is he here?"

_No_, Severus almost said, but hesitated. There was no point in lying, not with everything Albus knew and everything he had said. "Yes."

Albus smiled even more. "Good. Very good," Albus said. "You will, of course, need to be careful…But Harry ends up in the infirmary enough for us to have an easy excuse, should he not be seen in his bed now and then."

"Albus, we didn't…I didn't cross that line," Severus explained.

Albus held up his hand. "I have every faith in you, Severus. You do not need to defend yourself to me."

Severus nodded slowly and Albus clapped his hands together. "I will inform his friends that he was in need of a potion…If anyone sees him leaving your office, I am sure you will come up with a decent excuse?"

"Of course," Severus said.

"Good," Albus said. "Breakfast will start soon."

"I'll tell him to get his lazy arse up then," Severus said.

Albus chuckled and shook his head. "Ahh, young love. I will see you soon, Severus."

Severus watched Albus leave until the office door closed and Severus sighed, quietly closing the door to his rooms, glancing towards his bedroom door. He should scream at him and demand he leave. Instead, he sighed heavily and walked back into the room.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Harry could hardly stop smiling when he finally left Snape's office. He did his best, struggling to relax his face muscles and had to turn his head away from the Slytherins he passed on his way to the staircase. He felt so light, in a far better mood than he could remember being in. Still, after everything he had been through with Snape, he kept expecting the man to hunt him down and tell him off or something…To push him away again. Harry hoped, though, that those days were finally behind them and they could finally just be together.

He was midway to the Great Hall when he was attacked. "HARRY!" he heard and suddenly felt something brush past his side and then found himself with an armful of Hermione Granger. Harry nearly fell over in surprise, but Draco came up on his other side and steadied him. "Graceful, Potter," Draco said sarcastically.

"Hey," Harry said, smiling sheepishly.

"Harry, Dumbledore said you had gone to the infirmary for potions for your head," Hermione said. "But I didn't see you when I went to go find you there," she said, her hands on her hips. "Where the bloody hell were you?"

"Erm," Harry said with a grin, glancing around at the other students filling into the Great Hall. He pulled his friends closer to the wall and spoke quietly. "I spent most of the night in Snape's rooms."

Harry had to wonder for a moment if Hermione and Draco were in engaging in a contest to see whose eyebrows could go higher.

"Spill it, Potter," Draco said. "How was it?"

"We didn't have sex," Harry laughed. "But umm…I was worried…I uh…I had a nightmare that Voldemort killed him. I thought it was a vision so I went to his rooms to make sure he was alive and…He was and…I just stayed."

"Did he know you were there?" Hermione asked.

"Of course!" Harry laughed. "He's a spy, I doubt I could have sneaked in that easily without alerting him, let alone getting into bed with him."

"Oh, well how was it?" Hermione asked with a smile.

"It was…good. He wasn't mad at me and…He held me. Woke up and snogged for a bit," Harry admitted with a grin, scratching the back of his head and he squirmed a bit on his feet.

"Ooh that's so exciting!" Hermione said happily.

"He didn't toss you on your arse, then?" Draco asked.

"So far, so good," Harry said with a shrug. "Still kind of worried, but…I dunno, I think it's…I think it's going to be good now."

"Good!" Hermione said, hugging him happily.

"Finally," Draco agreed. "If he has any doubts, I'm sure Theo's continued seduction attempts will be more than enough to keep him close."

"I hope it doesn't have to come to that," Harry said, shaking his head. He really did not want to be kissed and groped by Theodore Nott again. The only person he wanted kissing and groping him was Severus Snape.

"I'm sure it'll be fine," Draco assured him. "After what you told us about last night, I knew it wouldn't be too long before he broke down and gave in."

"I agree. I think it's a good sign," Hermione said warmly. "Now, let's get to breakfast," she said, linking arms with Harry and leading the boys off into the Great Hall.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Leaving Hermione and Harry at the Gryffindor table, Draco headed over to the Slytherin table. He dared himself to glance up at the Head Table and shot a smile at his godfather, hoping Severus would understand his message. _I know_, his mind was screaming. Severus narrowed his eyes at him and Draco chuckled. Like Harry, he wasn't sure how long this would last…Though from what Harry had told himself and Granger last night, Draco knew it wouldn't be much longer before Severus finally gave in.

He was happy for them, though. Harry's excitement had been contagious…It would be good for them to finally be together.

Draco had to focus on other things as he approached his House mates, though. He had never disliked being in Slytherin more…There was too much pressure, too many expectations from his classmates. They had all been rather cold to him last year when he began letting himself be seen with Harry Potter and had even been at the Ministry of Magic. At least word seemed to have gotten around that he was working for the Dark Lord now. They all represented too much the things he disliked about his life. He was always playing a role around them these days.

Still, he took a deep breath and pulled his mask back on, smirking as he strutted to the table and sat between Blaise Zabini and Theodore Nott. Almost immediately, Blaise leaned in to him. "So, is it true that the Dark Lord gave Theodore orders to _seduce_ Harry Potter."

Draco raised his eyebrow, surprised Blaise knew about it. He doubted it was a job Theodore was exactly bragging about. "Yes, it's true," he replied coolly. "Though you would do well not to spread it around. I doubt the Dark Lord would appreciate his plans becoming public knowledge."

"Of course," Blaise said defensively, as though offended Draco had even suggested such a thing. "You should probably tell Theodore that, though. He was the one snogging Potter for the world to see."

Apparently McGonagall wasn't the only one to see them.

"Did anyone else spot them?" Draco asked.

"No, it was just me and McGonagall. She took points and gave them detention," Blaise explained.

"Good," Draco said with a nod.

"What are you two whispering about?" Pansy demanded from across the table.

"Nothing," Draco informed her. "Not everything is for you to know, Pansy."

"I'm sorry, Draco…You know I don't mean anything by it," Pansy cooed with a flirty little pout.

Draco only nodded stiffly and turned to Theodore when he felt the boy nudge him. Blaise sent them a curious look, but Draco glared at him to keep him from trying to eavesdrop. "What?" Draco whispered, leaning in closer to Theodore.

"I hear Snape's finally gotten somewhere with Potter," Theodore said, voice torn between bitterness and relief.

He frowned, trying to hide his panic. "Where did you hear that?"

Theodore grinned. "I overheard Pot-head telling you and the Mudblood."

"Hmm," Draco said. Theodore msut have been spying on them. The three of them had been sure to look around and keep an eye on the people around them to make sure they weren't being listened to. "Yes, he's making progress, I think. Don't tell me you're jealous."

"Of course not," Theodore said with a grimace. "Though I don't appreciate having my task taken from me. It could do good things for me and my family to succeed in such an important task for the Dark Lord."

"It could," Draco agreed, not wanting to encourage Theodore much.

He didn't have to.

"I won't give up, though…Just in case," Theodore mumbled. "Potter may be a little thick, but even he can't be that blind and stupid to prefer _him_ over _me_."

Draco could have said a lot about the prick insulting his godfather. But Draco had learned to hold his tongue…Not many people had many nice things to say about Severus, so it was one thing Draco was used to dealing with. "Very true," Draco said with a chuckle. "So what do you have planned next?"

Theodore grinned. "I'm going to put our detention to good use."

Draco raised his eyebrows. "You'll make moves in front of McGonagall."

Theodore shrugged. "I don't see why not. I don't have to snog him again…But should she turn her back or leave the room for any reason, I will put the privacy to good use." The other boy took a sip of his pumpkin juice before continuing. "Homos are just like girls, aren't they? And I know how to get a girl. I just won't enjoy the things I do have to grope so much as I would on a girl, though," Theodore said with a shudder. "Shouldn't be too hard, I imagine."

"You've masturbated enough these past few years, I'm sure you know the basics of what to do with a man," Draco chuckled.

Theodore choked on his pumpkin juice. "Bloody hell, Draco, I don't want to think about it! I'm not even going to be thinking about it when I'm _doing_ it. That's disgusting."

Draco shrugged and smirked to himself. "Who knows. You might not even get that far. What will you do then? If Potter's not as easy as you seem to think?"

"He may be gay, but he's still a guy," Theodore said. "Guys think with their dicks. If not, then my 'homos are girls with dicks' theory will play out nicely enough. I'll apologize for my heinously carnal nature, claim that he is so beautiful I can hardly resist myself, and play some redeemed Prince Charming that will sweep her…ahh I mean _him_…off of his feet. Easy."

_Maybe not as easy as you think_, Draco thought to himself, glancing up at the Gryffindor table. Not even Theodore and his slick tongue could worm his way into Harry's heart or his pants. Severus Snape might not be everyone's ideal man, but Draco highly doubted that anyone could compare in Harry's eyes.

Still…Draco made a mental note to speak with Severus about this as soon as possible.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **Hehehe I was excited for this chapter. I hope everyone liked it! Now just to see if Sevy stays so…_accepting_ of how things are. Thank you everyone who reviewed the last chapter! I love you guys lots! Keep up the good workkk. You know I love hearing from you!

Chapter title lyrics from "Lexington (Joey Pea-Pot With a Monkey Face)" by Chiodos.


	40. Something Told Me To Stay

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Something Told Me to Stay_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Severus had a feeling he knew what Draco wanted when the boy stayed after class. Everyone else filed out almost eagerly, only Draco and Harry and Granger remaining. Draco quickly told them both to go ahead and Granger took Harry's hand (Severus tried not to glare) and led him out of the room. Harry stopped at the door, shooting him a sheepish smile that seemed to melt his long frozen heart. He was trapped…He had been pushing Harry away for so long and while he had done a fine enough job of keeping it up yesterday, he had entirely forgotten how to keep himself in control and had lost all will to do so. He had been fighting for too long and Harry was far too strong a temptation to resist forever.

Once the door closed, Severus raised his eyebrow at his godson. "I have another class soon, you know. Second year Huffelpuffs and Ravenclaws," he said with a heavy sigh.

"Poor thing," Draco said sarcastically. "I won't be long…Or I'll try not to be," he said, stepping closer to Severus's desk and glancing anxiously at the door. "So…I heard you and Potter had a sleepover last night."

"Why am I not surprised?" Severus said with a sigh.

Draco grinned. "So. Are you finally just going to accept it or are you going to continue being a stubborn bastard?"

"I'd like to say the latter, but I'm afraid I really don't know at the moment," Severus admitted grudgingly.

"It's not such a bad thing," Draco said, leaning back against Severus's desk. "He's _really_ happy, you know."

"Yes…I had noticed," Severus told him. Potter had been glowing all day. He was in a better mood than Severus could remember. Harry had surely gone through so much in the past couple of years…In his sixteen years he had been through more than anyone should their whole lives. And it wasn't even the end of it…There was a war coming and the Dark Lord was steadily coming back into power. It was…a beautiful thing, to see him so truly and sincerely happy. And to know that it was because of _him_…That was something Severus wasn't entirely sure what to do with. It made him feel…so strange and so remarkably _good_. That was probably part of the problem…Why he was finding it so much harder to resume fighting against his desires for Harry.

Draco nodded, his smile fading a bit. "I did want to make sure that you weren't going to piss him off again, but…There's something more important I wanted to mention," Draco explained. "Theodore Nott apparently overheard Harry, Hermione, and I-"

"Hermione?" Severus cut in, raising his eyebrow. Since when did Draco call Granger by her forename? Then again, he was spending a lot of time with Harry and that must include Granger an awful lot. If only Lucius and Narcissa could see their son now…On first name basis with a Muggle born.

"Shut up," Draco said, his pale face flushing slightly. "_Anyway_, he overheard us talking about last night. I don't know how, we really were trying to be careful. But he heard and he knows Harry stayed the night with you last night. He might even report it to his father and you know Nott will tell _him_. Says he's not going to give up trying to seduce Potter, though. I don't think you'd like that too much, either…He mentioned groping a lot…"

Severus glared at Draco who just smirked. His irritation with Theodore Nott only lasted a few seconds, though, before the rest of it hit him. Theodore knew about last night…and the Dark Lord would, too. He would either be mad at Severus for risking his position or expect him to do more because he assumed Severus had found a way around it. His stomach dropped a bit and Severus frowned deeply. He was definitely going to have to speak to Albus about this as soon as classes ended and hopefully to Merlin he could manage it before the next meeting.

"Thank you, Draco," Severus said as the door opened and a group of Huffelpuff girls came trotting in. "You should go now."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Severus got the summons just after dinner, right before his lessons with Harry. Severus quickly scribbled a note and gave it to Draco to give to him and permission to explain everything that he knew to Harry. With that, he was able to leave the grounds and Apparate to the Avery's house, where tonight's meeting was being held. To his surprise, he was one of the first to arrive. Balthazar Avery was arguing with his wife, Ariella, in one corner while their children, Abaddon and Azrael, sat on the couch, taking amusement in sending their house elf off doing silly tasks. Amycus and Alecto Carrow and then Bellatrix, Rabastan, and Rodolphus Lestrange were all grouped together with glasses of wine, whispering to one another. Bellatrix smirked and glared up at him when he entered.

Only a few minutes the others had all arrived and the Dark Lord, who Severus had not seen upon entering, made his presence known. He was seated on a throne-like chair in a dark corner of the room, hissing a quiet conversation with Nagini. Dramatically, he lit candles all around where he sat and grinned up at them. "Thank you all for coming," he said quietly. "As you can see, we now welcome back our old friends…Lucius Malfoy, Antonin Dolohov, Joseph Crabbe, Graham Goyle, and Augustus Rookwood."

The five frowned in their shame and quiet chuckles broke out from the others. Severus's eyes trailed to his ex lover and old friend, Lucius Malfoy. Draco was not going to be pleased to hear _he_ had escaped and Severus contemplated following Lucius after the meeting to have another discussion with him about staying away from Draco.

"Where shall we begin tonight?" the Dark Lord purred. "Severus?"

Pulling his attention back to the Dark Lord, Severus stepped up to the front of the group and offered a small bow that always pleased his "master." "I have news, my lord," Severus began. His news involving Draco would wait for a later time, when it was only the group of select few the Dark Lord had discussed with about his plans for Draco to kill Albus. "Theodore Nott has made progress following your orders. He and Potter were given detention for being caught snogging in the corridors," Severus explained. "_But_…last night, apparently, the boy dreamed that I was killed…He was so worried he came to see me in the middle of the night. I decided to play along, my lord…it is my belief that, perhaps, I might be able to work something out regarding the boy. His feelings for me are apparently stronger than I originally imagined and I doubt it would be much trouble for him to sneak around with things. Even if Dumbledore found out, you know how he gets about the concept of _love_."

The Dark Lord laughed darkly and several of the Death Eaters behind Severus followed suit. Severus allowed himself to smirk in amusement. "Brilliant…Very brilliant, Severus. There are may fools in Gryffindor, claiming such nonsense about the power of love. Tell me, Severus…Does the boy truly love you?"

"He certainly seemed a lovesick fool to me," Severus said, voice laced with disgust.

"Oh, don't sound so upset, Snape," Bellatrix cooed. "I'm sure it's been a while since you've gotten laid. This is your perfect opportunity!"

He could see himself strangling her…Slamming her body into the stone wall and wrapping his hands around her pretty neck, tightening his grip until he felt the bones snap, watching her dark and crazed eyes bug out of her head. Severus swallowed back his disgust and his anger.

"I know you hate the boy, but hate sex is the best, you know," Amycus Carrow suggested with a wicked grin.

Severus only smirked. "Yes, well, before I get there I have to _woo_ the boy first. He's sickeningly romantic, as all Gryffindors seem to be," he said with a roll of his eyes. "I have to be sure he's entirely head over heels before I move further…I need his trust. And I wish to break him…Therefore, I must be sure I have him entirely under my control."

"You must make love to him," the Dark Lord said, an awful gleam in his red eyes. "And before I kill him, I shall allow you to rape him…Perform for us, if you will. You will have every opportunity to crush him before he dies. Revenge on the father for past humiliations and on the mother for abandoning you all through their precious boy."

Sick. He felt _sick_. If he could he would have ripped that monster's face apart for suggesting such a thing. Severus could almost see it in his head, the contrast between lovingly touching his Harry and brutally pounding into him while he screamed and cried. And it made him hate himself. Never, he thought to himself. _Never_!

"It would be an _honor_, my lord," Severus said, putting every ounce of respect and awe and graciousness he could muster into his tone.

The Dark Lord nodded his head and Severus slowly backed away, knowing he was dismissed. The Dark Lord then called upon those who had recently been released from Azkaban, supposedly for public humiliation. Severus did his best to focus on them and not think about the awful pictures that had been painted in his head by the Dark Lord and Bellatrix and Rabastan. He would never hurt Harry, he told himself firmly. He would do anything in his power, surrender anything he could to protect Harry…And he could never allow himself to do anything to hurt him. He would keep him safe, Severus swore. Forever.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Before the meeting, Severus had discussed the issue of Theodore's knowledge with Albus. The headmaster didn't seem worried at all. Instead, he used the excuse of the _newfound developments_ in his and Harry's relationship as a good excuse to keep others away from Harry and to keep the boy safe. If the Dark Lord suspected that Severus was keeping on the mission of seducing Harry, then there would be no need to involve others that could potentially harm the boy. And it gave Severus a very good excuse to spend more time with Harry. Albus also contemplated creating a new memory of himself encouraging Severus to be with Harry sometime down the road in a similar manner he had done the first day of school. When Severus met up with Albus to debrief upon his return, the old man was all smiles and encouraging him to just enjoy his time with Harry and accept the love and happiness that his life finally saw fit to give him. It only annoyed Severus, really, but he left the office feeling somewhat comforted.

What he did not expect, but really should have, was to walk into his rooms to see Harry sitting on the floor of his living room with a sheet of parchment spread out in front of him, surrounded by various books. Severus only stood in the doorway for a moment, staring in shock at the young boy before sighing and shutting the door. That seemed to get Harry's attention who looked up and grinned. "Hey. Almost done with your essay."

"You can actually do homework without Granger's help?" Severus asked in amusement.

"Sometimes," Harry replied with a grin. "But you seem to be forgetting…I'm a natural at Defense."

"Ah, but you're only good in practice. Actually having to read and write just aren't your style, are they?" Severus pointed out, sinking down into the comforts of his chair.

"No…Not really," Harry agreed. "But I do think I'll get at least an A on it."

"Just an A?"

"Well, I'd like to think an E or even an O, but you're an arse, remember?" Harry replied.

"Touché," Severus said with a smirk.

"So…" Harry said, setting his quill down and shifting around a bit to face Severus more. "Erm…Draco said that…Nott overheard us…talking this morning."

Severus frowned. "We really must discuss different methods of conducting private conversations."

"I'm sorry," Harry said irritably, flushing a bit. "Did it turn out okay?"

Severus slowly nodded. "The Dark Lord is now under the impression that I have…ah…given up on my concerns about the headmaster discovering us and have him of the opinion that I am now attempting to seduce you."

Harry's face broke out into a grin. "Brilliant! This means you can stop being an arse and _finally_ just let me in."

"I'll never stop being an arse," Severus assured him. "And yes…Unfortunately it means I can no longer do what is best for us both."

Harry sighed and rolled his eyes. "I wish you would stop talking like that. The only thing you were doing is putting us both through cruel and unnecessary torture."

"It was not unnecessary," Severus snapped. "I have very good reasons for wanting things to be a certain way. But because of you and your Gryffindor idiocy you've gotten us both too deep in this mess."

Green eyes flashed and Harry stood up. "When you're right, you're right. You'll never stop being an arse," Harry grumbled, walking over to Severus's chair. He placed both of his hands on the back of Severus's chair and leaned in over him, holding his face close to Severus's. Immediately the man sat a bit taller. Harry had easily taken the power and was attempting (and nearly succeeding) in intimidation. His green eyes were very serious, a hint of fear in their depths. "Listen to me," Harry hissed. "I _love_ you. And you love me. I _know_ it," Harry told him. "You can talk morals and rules and what's better for us both all you want, but none of it matters. Neither of us had to do anything because it just _happened_. I know it sounds silly bringing fate into this, but I really believe this was meant to be. Maybe the situation is really messed up and just destined to cause us all sorts of problems but I think it's worth it. I have been hurting for a long time because of you and your stupid sense of pride and heroism, thinking that denying yourself what you want the most is going to make everything better. But it's not, Snape. It's only made things _worse_. I _need_ you, okay? Don't you understand that? Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe when you push me away the way you do. I hate you so much for it and it's…it's all I can think about! But I am never happier than I am when I'm with you. That's go to mean something. I know you feel it, too. So no, playing scared isn't making things better at all. Being in denial about the way you feel isn't doing anyone any good…Just accept it. Dumbledore's trying to get us together. Fate even played its hand in making sure Voldemort knew you had to 'seduce' me. Everything in the world is pointing towards us being together, but you're too damned stubborn to give in! So just _stop it_, alright? Because it's going to drive me crazy if you keep doing this to me. And I will not forgive you if you keep hurting me and yourself that way, especially when it's not for any good reason."

"You really need to learn manners, Potter," Severus said, feeling horribly uncomfortable and guilty. "And to brush your teeth after every meal."

Harry's face turned slightly pink and he cleared his throat, pulling back slightly. "Just give it a rest, will you?"

"Insulting your breath?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "Stop trying to be Mr. Moral or whatever it is you can call what you've been doing."

"I am deeply sorry, Potter, that I do not wish to be a pedophile," Severus grumbled darkly.

"You're not a pedophile," Harry said. "It's not like you ogle all boys my age…Do you?"

Severus glowered at him and Harry just laughed. "Sorry, sorry," he said. "You've just been pissing me the hell off with all of this shite and I'd really appreciate it if you would stop."

"Potter," Severus sighed.

"Harry," the boy corrected him.

"_Harry_," Severus amended, feeling a bit more at ease with Harry's pleased smile. "I do not wish you any harm, _but_…I still do not think that a…_relationship_…between us would be wise."

"That's the problem. You think too much," Harry said with a teasing smile.

"And you don't think nearly enough," Severus grumbled.

"See? We're perfect for each other. We even each other out and everything," Harry said with a grin.

Severus smirked and rolled his eyes. "Insufferable brat."

"And you're a stubborn bastard," Harry said with a shrug. "Even better." He just smiled a minute before slowly fading and Harry cleared his throat and shifted nervously where he stood in front of Severus. "Snape-"

"Severus," he said quietly.

Green eyes grew wide in surprise. Harry swallowed and hesitantly said, "S…Severus."

Severus smirked. He sounded so uncomfortable saying it, like it was wrong or something. "Come now, Potter. If you're going to be so in love with me you might as well call me by my forename."

"Right," Harry said, smiling goofily. "Well, _Severus_…" he said, taking a deep breath. "I love you."

He could put an end to this now. He could tell him he didn't love him. He needed to…

It was hopeless.

"I love you, too, Harry," Severus said quietly, resigning himself to the fact that there was no fighting this anymore. The thought was both relieving and terrifying.

Harry grinned and leaned forward to kiss him. Severus reached out and pressed his index finger against those soft, tempting lips. "Finish your homework first."

"You have got to be kidding me," Harry mumbled against his finger.

"This is what you get for falling in love with a teacher, Potter. You wanted this, now you must suffer the consequences," Severus informed him.

Harry groaned and dropped his forehead against Severus's finger instead. "Do I at least get a kiss for good luck?"

Sighing in false exasperation, Severus reached out to grab the boy's face. He could kiss his nose or his cheek or his chin and send him off, telling him he had given him what he wanted and to stop his whinging. Instead (and more for his own sake than Harry's) he tenderly kissed those soft lips, feeling a sudden jolt of happiness hit him right in the heart. He almost smiled against the kiss as Harry did, but thought it too sickeningly romantic. He just allowed, for a few seconds, a bit of enjoyment of what was now his…But he could still feel something stopping him from relaxing and enjoying it too much. Something within him was still guarded, still fighting against this. And it made him feel safe and stronger.

"I expect an O worthy essay on my desk tomorrow morning, Potter," Severus reminded him when he pulled away, sending the grinning boy back to his work.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **Chapter 40! Woot woot! So amazed by how far I've come! And still, not even halfway through this bitch yet! Not too much farther for that milestone, though. Anyways, I'm super glad so many people have been enjoying the newest chapters! I take it you've been enjoying them, I've gotten more reviews for those hehehe. And we all know how much reviews make me happy!

Thanks so much to vampirexsama, unreadmind, Arcadia Val, and SevLoverCat for reviewing the last chapter! Super glad ya'll enjoyed it and thanks so much for leaving your comments!

SUPER excited for the next chapter. I can't wait to start writing it!

Chapter title lyrics from "Dear God" by Avenged Sevenfold.


	41. We Were Infinite for a Moment

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_We Were Infinite for a Moment_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Harry's week had been going so well up until Friday. He spent every afternoon in lessons with Snape…well, _Severus_…and after a bit of practicing they would sit and talk and sometimes they would even snog for a bit, though Severus still seemed too wary of getting too close. Still, his new behavior was at least progress that Harry was happy with. He was on Cloud Nine, he swore, and nothing could keep him down…Not Hermione's rotten moods after Potions or Theodore Nott's constant flirting after Potions classes, or even the strange behavior Draco and Hermione were both exhibiting. The more days that went by, the more confident Harry was that things between Severus and himself were finally going to be steady and good. He never thought he'd have Voldemort or Theodore Nott to thank for that, but in a strange way, they had played their parts.

Everything seemed to crash Friday night in his detention with McGonagall and Nott. Nott grabbed his arse before walking into the classroom and was always flirting the best he could and touching Harry as often as he could get away with it. It wasn't always his arse, either, but everywhere felt too intimate and wrong. Harry glared at him and ignored him the best he could, but Nott wasn't giving up. All they were doing was writing lines, but McGonagall hadn't seen it necessary to discourage Nott from sitting right beside him and every time she looked away there would be a hand on his thigh or fingers in his hair. When detention was over with, Theodore followed him to a desolate corridor and tried snogging him again. "I'm not _interested_, Nott!" Harry finally snapped. "Give it a rest!"

That didn't make Severus feel much better, though, when Harry sneaked into his office later that night to show him the memory. That had led to a rather heated argument that infuriated Harry to no end. Severus went on much the same way he had when Theodore first kissed Harry, about finding someone his age and someone so attractive, though this time he mentioned a lot of awful things he wanted to do to Nott. "Look you sodding bastard, I pushed him away! I came down here to tell you right away! _Why the bloody hell do you think I want him_? Are you just looking for an excuse to give up on us?" Harry snarled. "I _love_ you, you arsehole! But from what I can see, you can't possibly care for me that much. You can't possibly know me if you think so little of me!" Severus made up for it all though with whispered apologies and quiet "I love you"'s and gentle kisses and deep gazes that made him feel like the most treasured thing in the world.

Saturday didn't seem to be going much better. He woke up and began reading more of his Potions text and even practiced one of the spells the Half Blood Prince had written in there, nonverbal Levicorpus and had ended up suspending poor Neville in midair. Then on their way out to Hogsmeade Hermione had her little diatribe over the subject; she didn't trust the Prince and was still trying to convince Harry to give up the book and Harry was still convinced that she was jealous. Mr. Filch was getting a bit too rough with a Secrecy Sensor, checking every student before letting them out. Ginny did manage to give him a note from Dumbledore with the date and time of their next lesson and got jabbed extra hard from nosy Mr. Filch. They got stopped by Slughorn on their way there, who wanted to know why Harry kept missing his dinners (that Hermione couldn't seem to find her way out of). Harry had enough excuses with Quidditch, meetings with Dumbledore, and "Remedial Potions" and the meeting ended with a promise from Slughorn that he would get him one day. Hermione tried convincing him that they weren't too bad and he ended up promising he would go to _one_ for her sake. After a short trip to Honeydukes they headed to the Three Broomsticks where Harry found Mundungus Fletcher selling stuff he had stolen from Sirius's house, which had pissed off Harry. After Mundungus Disapparated Tonks appeared to calm him down and assure him that Sirius would probably not even care and if he did that he would deal with the thief.

Harry was in a rotten mood the time they got into the pub to order their butterbeers and Hermione didn't seem to be fairing much better. Eventually a very anxious looking Draco Malfoy joined them and the three brooded and sipped on butterbeers in silence. Harry was tempted to just leave and head back to the castle and sneak down early to visit Severus…Why had he even come here when he could be spending his time with the man? Though with how badly today had started off, Harry was almost afraid to go down to those dungeons, worried that his bad luck might follow him there and Merlin knew it wouldn't take much to set off Severus and have him calling the whole thing off again. Eventually Harry tried to snap him out of it and tried asking Hermione and Draco about the things bothering them, but neither seemed very talkative and Draco seemed almost panicked every time Harry tried probing him for answers.

"It's nothing," Hermione would say in a tone that was both nervous and depressed.

"I'm fine!" Draco would say in a high voice.

"Shall we call it a day and go back to school, then?" Harry finally asked.

The other two nodded. No one seemed to have been enjoying this Hogsmeade trip very much. The three stood and arranged themselves in cloaks and scarves and gloves before heading out into the cold weather. Harry walked between his two friends up High Street and up the road to Hogwarts, lost in thought, still debating over whether or not to go visit Severus and thinking of what he could do to occupy himself if he decided against it.

It was a little while before Harry became aware of a pair of girls just ahead of them. They seemed to be having an argument, their voices growing louder by the minute. Harry squinted, trying to make out the figures, and eventually recognized Katie Bell with one of her friends. Curious, Harry began paying more attention to them, straining to hear them and walking a bit faster to keep within hearing range. They were arguing over some package Katie had in her hands. "It has nothing to do with you, Leanne!" Katie said.

A few minutes later, Leanne went to grab the package in Katie's hand and Katie tugged it back and the package fell to the ground. Immediately, Katie rose into the air gracefully, looking like she was ready to fly. Something was wrong, though. Harry, Draco, Hermione, and Leanne all stopped and watched her as she hung in midair. When she was six feet above the ground, she began to scream. Her eyes flew open and she screamed and screamed in pain. Leanne started to scream, too, in fear and ran out and jumped up to grab at Katie's feet to try to tug her down. Harry and Hermione ran out to help while Draco stood back, staring wide eyed and petrified at her. His mouth hung open and his jaw trembled and he had never looked more awful in his life, but Harry was more focused on trying to help Katie. Eventually Draco joined them and when he began trying to help, Katie fell and Harry and Draco caught her. Her body still writhed and it was hard to hold her, so they did their best to carefully lower her to the ground. Once she seemed safe enough laying there, Harry looked around them.

"Stay here!" he ordered the others and began to run in search of help.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Albus Dumbledore would not be back to Hogwarts until Monday. It made Harry anxious and Severus, too, could admit to a bit of worry. Severus had known Draco's intent. It had taken a bit to get Draco to tell him. The boy was so scared, so ashamed of what he was doing…He just wanted it over, he said. He had to do it, he kept saying. He had to protect his family and the people he cared about. Severus understood that, though he reminded him that by letting him know things, he could help. Once Draco told him about the cursed necklace, Severus told Albus and they came up with a plan that would have the necklace intercepted and even if it was to reach Albus, he wouldn't touch it, forewarned of what it was. The Dark Lord would know of his attempt and while it was a failure, it was at least getting them closer. Fortunately, Albus made a good enough excuse by being away that day. Gone until Monday…And still, Severus was more anxious to see him than ever.

A student affected by this and so close to Harry? It worried Severus. And even without all of that, Albus promised him answers the time he returned. Severus was growing frustrated by the lack of information and what felt like lack of trust from Albus. Neither Albus or Harry would tell him what their private lessons were about, though Albus did promise him some information when he returned from whatever it was he left the castle for these days. Today, though, Severus was sure he could have foregone all of the information Albus was willing to share if only to discuss _this_. Severus was so very angry with Draco.

Even knowing what Draco was going to do, he was still so furious. Another student had gotten hurt! An innocent person hurt because of carelessness! And to happen near Harry? Where the necklace could have hurt _Harry_. Draco knew of Harry's heroic tendencies. How could he have drawn Harry close to that situation? Severus fully intended to give Draco a piece of his mind, but for now he spent Saturday afternoon curled up on his couch with Harry in his arms. He spent a great deal of time calming Harry down and watching him pace and listening to his speculations. Harry seemed to suspect Draco had something to do with it, though he never came out and said it and Severus did his best to steer his mind away from such thoughts, even if he was incredibly furious with his godson at the moment. Eventually they laid on the couch and kissed for a while before Harry decided to take a nap on him and Severus had summoned one of his books…One of his favorites, one of few by a wizard author. It was called _The Crime of Easton_, written in the late 1800s by Severus Augusten. It had been one of his mother's favorite books, he knew, by one of her favorite authors. It was where Severus had gotten his own name and while his name was harsh and unflattering, he was proud to bear it, sharing the name of such a brilliant author.

He was midway through chapter thirteen (approaching his favorite scene between the two main characters, Amira and Silas) when Harry mumbled against his neck, "This is nice," with a soft kiss. Severus's body tingled at the gentle touch of those soft lips against the bare skin of his neck and he let the book close with his thumb still pressed on the page to save his spot. "What is?" he asked.

"Being with you like this," Harry said quietly. "S'comfy," he said and nuzzled against Severus's neck. "And I like watching you read."

"You find watching people read more interesting than actually reading something yourself?" Severus asked, raising an eyebrow.

Harry chuckled tiredly. "No…Just you." He couldn't help but feel a bit pleased by that. Severus grunted as the boy shifted a bit, Harry's knee digging harshly into his own and his elbow pressed a bit too hard into his stomach, but he was able to relax once Harry settled down. Severus was prepared to return to his reading when he felt those lips he so loved press against the corner of his mouth and then gently against his own lips.

"I was trying to read, you realize?" Severus asked against Harry's mouth.

"Yeah, well I was sleeping and now I'm not," Harry pointed out, kissing him softly.

"I'm thirty six years old. I cannot keep up with your crazy teenage hormones," Severus said stiffly, though he honestly didn't mind holding Harry and kissing him. Some strong force inside of him, though, resisted these things…He could never just be happy with something. There always had to be that voice telling him it was wrong and sometimes, just barely, that voice won out. Especially after the scare of the day, Severus wasn't feeling much up to having the sort of fun Harry wanted.

"I just want a bloody snog," Harry grumbled, continuing to kiss him. They were such soft, teasing kisses…brushes of the lip that were barely there. Finally Severus grumbled and reached to his side to grab a bookmark from the side table (dog-earing pages was a big no-no) and gently set the book aside before grabbing Harry's face and pulling him down, kissing him deeply. Harry grinned victoriously against his mouth, but Severus found he didn't mind so much if Harry won sometimes.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

On Sunday, Severus called Draco into his office after breakfast. Draco looked awful, to his credit. Pale skin seemed almost sickly and dark circles hung beneath his silvery-gray eyes. He was frowning deeply and seemed so small as he walked into the office. Most of Severus's anger with the boy had ebbed away, though he still felt the need to say something.

"Katie Bell was sent to St. Mungo's," Severus said coolly.

"I heard," Draco said quietly.

"Do you even care? Does it matter who you have to hurt for this little project of yours?" Severus demanded, not allowing himself to get too worked up.

"I can't," Draco said, voice pleading with Severus to understand. "I _have_ to do this! He'll…He'll hurt them! I can't…I can't let anything happen to them. To anyone I care about. They matter _more_."

"Do you care about Harry?" Severus asked.

"Of course," Draco said, sounding surprised.

"He could have been hurt yesterday, Draco. You are well aware of his heroic tendencies, aren't you? How easily do you think he could have gotten a hold of the necklace?" Severus demanded.

"He's not that stupid," Draco said defensively, though his gray eyes had widened in alarm. As though he, too, could imagine Harry having been the one to grab the cursed necklace without thinking. Under the right circumstances, just that could have very well happened.

"You need to be more careful," Severus said.

"I…I'll do what I can," Draco whispered.

"Your father is out," Severus then told him quietly.

"Oh," Draco said, seeming to pale and shrink further.

After lunch that day, Harry returned to his rooms irritated and concerned. He had been trying to talk to Hermione and Draco all day, very worried about them both and their strange behavior. Draco had been hiding out in his common rooms during the days, though, and seemed to disappear too easily after lunch when Harry had tried looking for him. Hermione kept denying anything was wrong and had eventually hidden from him in the girl's dormitories.

"How am I supposed to help them if they don't tell me what's wrong?" Harry grumbled, pacing the room while Severus sat patiently in his chair.

"You do not need to help everybody, Harry," Severus assured him quietly.

"They're my friends!" Harry snapped. "Ugh. I hate seeing them like this."

"They'll come around eventually," Severus said patiently. Severus was sure it wouldn't take long for Draco to calm down enough to talk to Harry about his father's release. That would surely be enough reason for Draco's recent behavior, although considering the timing, Severus was sure it had more to do with guilt and fear over what he had to do with the cursed necklace.

Harry sighed and ran his fingers through his unruly hair, making it messier. Severus watched the movement, finding the unkempt hair very attractive on Harry. Severus smirked and held back a chuckle when Harry then patted the top of his head, trying to flatten it and tame it somewhat. It never worked.

"You should sit on the couch," Harry said after a minute.

"Why?" Severus asked. "So you can bother me?"

"Well I can bother you anywhere," Harry reminded him. "But maybe I'd be less bothersome with more room."

"And encourage your unruly conduct?"

"You like it," Harry said with a grin, walking over and crawling into his lap. "We should play a game."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "What sort of game?"

"I dunno, but a game sounds good right now," Harry said with a shrug.

"Hmm…I have a chess set," Severus said thoughtfully. He had things like decks of hard, a chess set, and maybe a few other things when he _did_ have company, to amuse Albus or Septima when they visited for a while. He hadn't played much of anything recently and rarely entertained company much. He was with a sixteen year old boy, though, and he would need to be entertained…Especially since he was around so often these days.

Harry was quiet for a minute and Severus worried for a moment as Harry frowned and rested his head on Severus's shoulder. "Ron was really good at chess," he said quietly and then let out a quiet laugh. "He always kicked my arse."

Severus had many a sarcastic comment on the tip of his tongue, but unsure if it would be received warmly, he kept quiet. After another minute Harry sat up and smiled a bit sadly. "I bet you'd kick my arse, too."

"More than likely," Severus agreed with a smirk. "I don't have much, but you may check the bottom drawer of my bedside table. I'm sure there are a few things there you might find interest in."

"Alright," Harry said and hopped up, walking into Severus's room. A few minutes later Harry called out, "Hey, what's The Brainiac Challenge?"

"For people with intelligence higher than yours," Severus replied. It was a game that tested knowledge, and not on any ridiculous pop culture matters like Trivial Pursuit. Severus had played the game many times when studying for his NEWTs.

"Thanks," Harry called back, a laugh in his voice. "We can play strip poker!"

"Not yet, Potter," Severus said, rolling his eyes. He regretted it almost the instant he said it, imagining Harry losing articles of clothing one by one until he was naked before him…And Severus would then throw him onto the couch and ravish him. Severus shifted around where he sat, trousers feeling a bit tight now.

"Is this like the Wizarding version of Monopoly? It has broomsticks on it!" Harry called out.

"That would be an intelligent assumption," Severus replied with a smirk.

"Right," Harry said and a few minutes later walked back out carrying the Monopoly game. It had been a while since he had played this game and found he didn't mind it so much. He reluctantly slid to the floor with Harry and set the game up on the coffee table, setting up the fake Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts and picking out their own players, miniature broomsticks that hovered over the board. There were "riders" you could put on the brooms to tell them apart…All four Hogwarts Houses were represented through their mascots. There were a few other options, such as miniature people or an owl, cat, toad, squid, fish, peacock, phoenix, and dragon. In true Harry fashion he plucked up the lion and stood it up on the broom while Harry took the snake and let it slither around his broom. The little lion roared at the snake who hissed back. Harry frowned.

"It's not speaking Parseltongue," Harry said. "I was going to use that against you. Damn."

"It's a toy, Potter," Severus said, rolling his eyes. "As it is, I'll kick your arse no matter what."

An hour and a half later, when Severus was proven to be right, he cheered up his loser with enough kisses to forget all about his loss

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

On Monday, Albus returned midday and Severus felt anxious throughout his later classes. Finally, when classes were done, Severus headed to the headmaster's office. Albus was frowning when Severus walked in, blue eyes not holding their usual twinkle.

"I heard of what happened to Miss Katie Bell," Albus said quietly.

"Yes," Severus said. "I had a talk with Draco…I'm going to need to keep a more careful eye on him."

"Very good," Albus said with a small nod. "The Healers claim that Miss Bell will be just fine. I would rather not have any more of my students sent to St. Mungo's, though. Have a seat, Severus."

Severus sat where Albus motioned for him to and eyed the older man. There was a lot to say, many questions to ask, and he didn't know where to start. Albus, for once, seemed to also struggle with what he wanted to say.

"I promised you information today, Severus," he finally said.

"You did," Severus said, sitting up a bit straighter, waiting.

"It is very important, Severus. Something Harry cannot know just yet," Albus said. "There will come a time when Harry Potter must be told something…But you must wait until Lord Voldemort is at his most vulnerable before doing so."

"Must be told what?" Severus asked, raising his eyebrow.

"On the night Lord Voldemort went to Godric's Hollow to kill Harry, and Lily Potter cast herself between them…The curse rebounded. And when that happened, a part of Voldemort's soul cast itself into the only living thing it could find. Harry himself. There's a reason Harry can speak to snakes…a reason he can look into Voldemort's mind. A piece of Voldemort lives inside of him."

The words washed over him, but they didn't make sense. They couldn't make sense. Severus blinked and leaned back in his chair, black eyes studying Albus's grim expression. Severus could hardly stand to look at him. A piece of the Dark Lord was inside of Harry. He had to wait to tell him when the Dark Lord was at his weakest. A shock of cold seemed to hit him, like a block of ice dropping into his stomach, a feeling that chilled him to the bone. "What are you saying, Albus?" he asked quietly.

"When the time comes…Harry will have to die," Albus explained sadly.

Severus swallowed hard. He was reminded of a time many years ago, coming to Dumbledore and begging for his help. It was the night Voldemort discovered that his enemy would be the unborn son of Lily Potter, the woman Severus so loved. He remembered his desperation, wild hope that he could save her. He remembered that earth-shattering, world destroying heartbreak he had felt the moment he learned of her death. He thought of Lily Potter's dead body, lying on the floor of Harry's nursery…Dark red hair fanned out around her, vivid green eyes wide open and blank. He imagined his Harry laying beside her, staring up with that same dead gaze. His jaw clenched and unclenched and his hands grasped the arms of the chair tightly.

"So you've been keeping him alive to die at the proper moment?" Severus asked, voice low and dangerous. "Raising him like a pig for slaughter?" He felt disgusted. Shocked. _Doomed_. "Is there any other way?" Severus demanded, though he already knew the answer. He could feel it deep within him, the utter doom.

"I'm afraid not."

"What have you _done_?" hissed Severus, panic possessing him. Already he could feel his world starting to fall apart. "Pushing me into pursuing the boy only to tell me that he has to die? Am I meant to lose every person I love, Albus? What sort of sick punishment is this? I thought I was already paying for my sins, I had no idea you felt the need to penalize me further. Yet another penance to pay for my dark past," he spat.

"This isn't to punish you, my boy," Albus said. "Severus, you already loved him. Whether you pursued a relationship with him or not, his death would have still affected you," he explained and Severus glanced away shamefully, knowing it was the truth. "I merely hoped for you to experience some happiness in your life, my boy. Even if it must inevitably end, there is still hope for you both to have some joy and love in your lives. You cannot hide from happiness simply because it will end…because sadness will follow it. You mustn't play safe all of the time…His death will hurt you, yes, but you will have memories to cherish. Moments to look back upon with fondness and love." Albus fell silent for a few seconds before continuing. "You have always been pessimistic about your own fate, Severus. You don't even expect to survive this war, do you?"

Albus had a point. Severus had always doubted the chances of his survival…And now, more than ever, he wanted that very thing less than he ever had. What could would survival be when his future was gone? Severus wasn't even sure he could survive the death of someone else he loved so deeply. Already, the very knowledge of what was to come…he could feel it destroying him.

"Is that all, headmaster?" he asked, voice dull.

"Severus…" Albus said patiently.

"No," Severus said. "I do not want to sit here and discuss my feelings and deal with you defending your actions. Nothing you can say will have me forgive you for this."

When Albus said nothing for a while, Severus finally allowed himself to stand, moving across the room, feeling himself steadily becoming numb. Numbness was better than anything else.

He spent his whole life surviving…He learned how to keep himself safe from the emotional and physical abuse of his father. He learned how to survive the humiliations and the hurt brought upon by bullying at school. He learned how to survive among Death Eaters and as a spy and he kept himself safe, never allowing himself to become close to many people.

Even now, he knew what he had to do to keep himself safe. He had to push Harry away and do everything in his power to make his death easier on himself. Somehow, though, he knew he wouldn't. Couldn't do that to Harry. Albus's words rang out in his head…He wanted them _both_ to be happy and have love. Albus wanted it for Harry, too. Severus wanted it for him, too…Wanted the last year or more of his life to be wonderful…to be filled with nothing but the best he could provide for him and leave him wanting for nothing. He couldn't hurt Harry again. He couldn't abandon him now, even to save himself.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note:** I no has my copy of DH with me so I had to look up the scene of Snape's memories on YouTube and used what they said there lol. Close enough, I guess. Anyway, I hope you liked it…Even though it's kind of sad lol.

Thanks to vampirexsama, unreadmind, and xXxElectraxXx for reviewing the last chapter! I'm glad you find it so addicting, vampirexsama! And if only we could turn fanfics into books! I'd love it hehehe. I wish I could do fanart, I would have lots of snarry pictures and stuff for this story lol. And to unreadmind…I love when stories have Snape riding Harry aobut his schoolwork…It amuses me lol.

Please review!

Chapter title lyrics from "Bulls Make Money, Bears Make Money, Pigs Get Slaughtered" by Chiodos.


	42. Right Here With You Is Where I'll Stay

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Right Here With You Is Where I'll Stay_

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After meeting with Albus, Severus cancelled his lesson with Harry and changed the password to his rooms. He didn't think he could bear being near him that night. Not after learning that the young man he loved was doomed to die. He was tempted to take off for a few days, but he reminded himself that he couldn't hurt Harry anymore and could not have the boy thinking he was backing out of this again. He drank his brandy that night, trying to drown out his sorrows, and woke up with a massive hangover that was easily cured with a potion. He wondered later that day, standing at the front of class with his sixth year Slytherin and Gryffindor class, if he should have just kept the blasted hangover. Maybe the physical pain would have distracted from the emotional pain that hit him hard the moment Harry walked into the room. Green eyes kept casting him nervous looks, though Granger elbowed Harry until he finally got his head straight on and was more discreet with his looking. As he walked by the class, he inconspicuously dropped a small strip of parchment in front of Harry, a note he had quickly scribbled before class.

_I'm fine. I only had matters that needed attending. My password has returned to normal and we will resume lessons tonight._

Harry seemed more at ease after that and it made Severus feel a bit better. He threw himself into his lessons and probably handed out more detentions and took more points than necessary. It kept his mind off of unpleasant things, however, and made him feel better. The other Heads of Houses all stopped him at various points throughout the day to comment on it and Severus could only tell them to keep a better handle on their dunderheaded students. All too soon the day had ended and Severus waited in his rooms, trying to focus on reading _The Crime of Easton_ while he waited for Harry to show up, but found himself staring at the same page for several minutes the time the door finally opened.

"Hey," Harry said. "I hear you've been in a mood today."

"Hmm," Severus said, grabbing his bookmark to mark his page before setting the book aside and standing up. With a simple wave of his wand the furniture took their usual positions by the wall and he turned his wand to Harry.

"Wait!" he said quickly, before Severus could say the word. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing," Severus lied. "We need to focus on your lessons, Harry."

Harry's eyes narrowed. "Did I do something? S'like no one trusts me enough to say anything to me anymore," he grumbled, pulling out his wand.

"Not everything is about you, Potter," Severus said coldly, even if in this case it _was_ about him. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself and just respect that not everything is your business."

Harry's green eyes flashed angrily and Severus mentally scolded himself. The last thing he wanted to do was upset Harry, but his defenses were up and it was going to be hard to get himself to calm down and play nice. Instead of letting Harry say anything that might start an argument, Severus said, "_Legilimens_!"

Briefly he saw the flash of a memory of Black and Lupin sitting at the dining room table at Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Like Harry had done before, though, he used another memory to shove forward in its place. The image twisted into what could only be one of Harry's fantasies. They were practicing Defense and Harry managed to knock Severus over onto his back and proceeded to fall to his knees, crawling over the older man and kissing him deeply. Severus knew he needed to pull out, but he allowed himself to watch a moment as Harry began pushing away his robes and unbuttoning his shirt and his pants, kissing a trail down his neck and chest and lower as he began tugging at Severus's trousers.

Before it could get too far, Severus pulled out and glowered at Harry who was smirking slyly. That smiled faded instantly the moment he saw Severus.

"I must admit, I am very disappointed, Potter. I had hoped you might take these lessons more seriously. I had hoped that if anything good would come of your best friend's death that it might be you would see this all a bit more seriously. However, as I can see, this is only some little game for you to play in continued _failed_ attempts to seduce me. If you have no intentions of actually improving your skill, Potter, _get out_," Severus snarled.

"I was _trying_ to cheer you up, you git," Harry snapped, eyes blazing with anger and wet with unshed tears. "You don't have the right to bring up…what happened to Ron…like that. You don't _have_ to be such a fucking arse about _everything_! I know it's such a hard concept, but really."

Severus bit his tongue and took a deep breath. Being a jerk was easy. Especially now…Especially when there was so much at stake. Pushing Harry away and hoping to salvage some of himself by the end was a strong idea in his mind. It was a struggle to calm himself down and not let himself go too far. "There is a time for play, P…Harry…and a time to work. The Dark Lord is growing in power and the last thing you need is for him to have power over you. I have to be hard on you, Harry, because you _need_ this. I am willing to give us a chance, Harry, but I will not do so if you continue messing around in your lessons…In fact, you won't even have lessons if you can't take them seriously enough."

"I _am_ taking them seriously! I've been doing so much better!" Harry snapped. "You're just in a rotten mood and you're taking it out on me!"

"Are you serious about this or not, Potter?" Severus demanded.

"Yes!" Harry practically shouted. "Just get on with it, then! I won't _disturb _you anymore."

Severus plunged into Harry's mind easily. Harry was far too angry to raise any sort of real defenses, frustrating Severus further. What was even the bloody point of all of this, if the boy was just going to have to die in the end? Why bother? Oh, _right_, because he had to die _at the right moment_. Just thinking of it all angered Severus further. Anger was easier to deal with than the pain he did his damnedest to ignore. He hardly paid attention to the memories flowing through Harry's mind…Black and Lupin, Draco and Granger, Katie Bell…After a while he finally pulled out, watching as Harry stumbled backwards and caught himself on the wall, glowering at Severus with more fury than he had seen in a long time from those bright green eyes.

"You have to do better than that," Severus said, forcing his voice to remain calm. "Control your emotions, Potter. Do you think it will be easy when the Dark Lord is trying to dig through that miniscule brain of yours? Do you think he will wait until you are prepared…wait until you are calm and focused? No! Be angry, Harry, but do _not_ let it rule you."

A knowing look lit up Harry's eyes and it took Severus a moment to understand it. Harry thought Severus was doing all of this on purpose…Making him mad to teach a lesson. Honestly, Severus hadn't intended it to seem that way or to be that way, but he was a bit relieved by it. He was already screwing up his own intentions of making Harry happy by blowing up at him, his own panic and fear and pain and anger overruling him more than it ever had. At least this offered a good excuse for his actions…He very well couldn't tell Harry that he had to die in the end. It was _too soon_, Severus thought bitterly.

"_Legilimens_!"

For over an hour, Severus pushed Harry. They practiced Occlumency over and over and over again, Severus too afraid to stop and have to face Harry and deal with him in a more casual setting. Harry made very little progress, but was eventually too exhausted to go on. Finally showing some mercy, Severus walked over to grab Harry before he could completely collapse in his state and waved his wand so that his furniture moved back into place.

Harry struggled to stand on his own two feet…Severus could feel it in the way the body against him moved, muscles shifting and twisting, trying to be stronger. Harry was too tired, though, and Severus didn't blame him. Having ones mind attacked repeatedly for so long and in such an emotional state did not leave a person in the best of positions. "Relax, Harry," Severus said quietly and helped the younger man over to the couch. It was difficult to sit gracefully while supporting Harry, so he let himself plop down onto the couch, maneuvering Harry so that he could lay down against him, shifting his body around into a position that would be comfortable for them both. Despite his normal discomfort with such affectionate gestures or words, he held Harry closely to him without fear, holding him tightly, never wanting to let him go.

Exactly when it had happened, Severus didn't know. But sometime last year he had fallen in love with the brat in his arms…and Severus hated him for it. Loving Harry went against every belief he had, every desire he held. He had kept many reasons in mind as to why pursuing a relationship with Harry would be wrong, but it was so much more than a strong moral code. Severus never wanted to love again, period. He closed himself off, never wanting to let anyone in. He had been hurt enough by love in the past, and it seemed that such heartbreak was now in his future. There was no turning back…He was going to get hurt, no matter what he did now. Because he loved Harry, and Severus knew that nothing would change that. No matter how annoying or frustrating or reckless the man could be.

Severus shifted again, leaning back further into the arm of the couch, stretching his legs out a bit more as he held Harry firmly to his chest, burying his face in the thick, messy black hair. He inhaled the scent deeply and pressed a small kiss against his head. Harry was going to die. Maybe in a year…Maybe in two years…Maybe more, maybe less…But it wouldn't be very long. They couldn't afford to let the Dark Lord carry on for so long and honestly one of the two parties would break soon enough. There wasn't much time for him…And it wasn't fair. Harry was so young, had so much promise and so much life in him. Looking at him and holding him it was almost impossible to see it. He didn't want to see it, that one image he had of Lily and Harry in Albus's office had been enough for one lifetime.

He was helping train the man he loved to fight in a war that would kill him. Building him up to do what the world needed him to do and he would pay the ultimate price for it. And Severus was lending hand to that. The thought made him feel awful. Severus swallowed hard, feeling his eyes sting with tears he hadn't shed in many, many years. He blinked them away the best he could, struggling not to break down. Pain overwhelmed him, so deep in his heart and mind and in the pit of his stomach and piercing to his very soul. Harry wasn't even gone yet, and the pain of his loss was already consuming him.

Severus couldn't let it. He didn't want to let it. He hated being so weak, so controlled by emotions. He had to make things good, though…For Harry. Severus could hardly fathom how he could make anyone happy, let alone Harry. And yet Harry needed him. Harry _loved _him. It didn't make much sense, but it was the truth and Severus was going to have to do something…

"Mmm," Harry grunted and Severus reluctantly loosened his grip on Harry to allow him to move, struggling to sit up, though he remained sitting close to Severus. Severus moved himself accordingly to accommodate Harry's new position. "I hate being that weak."

"You are not weak," Severus said. "You merely need more practice. I am aware it's a bit hard on you, but it is for the best. You need to be trained hard. Everything is going to have to be harder now."

"Yeah, I understand," Harry said. "I don't like it, but…I get it. It's not going to be easy out there."

"No, it's not," Severus said.

Harry sighed and scratched his head. "You could at least tell me the next time you're going to be an arse for my benefit," he said teasingly.

"I've _always_ been an arse for your benefit," Severus replied smoothly. "But having you know about it defeats the purpose entirely."

Harry laughed tiredly and sank down into the cushions, propping his feet up on the coffee table. Severus raised his eyebrow. Snorting, Harry put his feet back down and struggled for a minute removing his shoes, putting the toe of one against the back of the other and shoving down until it came off before repeating the process again. Harry then put his socked feet on the coffee table and Severus just shook his head. "You are becoming entirely too comfortable."

"M'not _that_ comf…ortable," he said, yawning in the middle of the last word. "M'hungry, though."

"Dinner wasn't even two hours ago," Severus commented.

"Yeah, well, s'what happens when you wear out a guy. He gets hungry," Harry said. "So whenever we start having sex, you should always have food around," he said with a lazy grin.

"What makes you think we're ever going to have sex, Potter?" Severus asked, trying to hide his amusement.

Harry snorted. "We're men. Men like sex."

"Men do enjoy sex. However, men _are_ capable of self restraint and ignoring their carnal urges," Severus assured him.

"You make carnal urges sound so sexy," Harry told him. "Course I'm pretty sure you could make History of Magic sound sexy."

Severus smirked, recalling a conversation he remembered seeing in Harry's memories, Harry talking about how much he enjoyed Severus's voice. "Hmm. Shall we study, then?"

"No!" Harry said quickly. "We could have sex, though."

"You would probably pass out before I could even get you undressed," Severus remarked as Harry stifled another yawn.

"Would not," Harry muttered. "M'still hungry, though."

Severus's mind flickered to the idea of oral sex, but bit his tongue before he could make the suggestion. Clearing his throat he instead called for one of the Hogwarts house elves, Pippy, and ordered a tray of treacle tarts, a bowl of ice cream, and a bowl of blackberries and cherries.

"Mmm…I like treacle tarts," Harry commented quietly, seeming a bit more awake now that the prospect of food was in his head.

"I am well aware of that," Severus said without really thinking about it.

Harry grinned and leaned over to bump his shoulder against Severus. "Aww. Look at you being all thoughtful and romantic."

"I hardly call ordering your favorite dessert to shut you up about your hunger _romantic_," Severus spat, feeling increasingly uncomfortable.

"I never said they were my favorite," Harry said, grin growing.

"Well, are they?" Severus snapped.

"Yep," Harry said, laughing. "Calm down, you're acting like I insulting you."

"You might as well have," Severus sniffed, holding back a smile as Harry laughed more.

Pippy returned a few minutes later with a tray full of food (more than they needed, probably) and placed it on the coffee table for them. They ate in silence for a few minutes, Harry dipping his treacle tarts in the vanilla ice cream and Severus popping his fruit into his mouth. A few minutes later found Harry offering Severus bites of his dessert and Severus allowing himself a game of tossing cherries into Harry's mouth and ordering him to eat them off of the floor like a dog if he dropped any. A few minutes after that they ended up sharing a bowl filled with ice cream, treacle tarts, and blackberries and cherries all mixed together.

"Okay, so I think I have a new favorite dessert now," Harry said, scooping the last bit of melted ice cream that he could onto his spoon and shoving it into his mouth.

Severus said nothing, but found himself secretly agreeing.

"Oh, you have something right there," Harry said, pointing to his mouth. Severus frowned. He liked to think himself a rather clean person, but it wasn't always easy to remain neat when eating something as sticky and messy as ice cream. He went to grab one of the napkins Pippy had put on the tray, but before he could wipe his mouth, Harry leaned in, green eyes flashing playfully as he licked the area all around Severus's mouth. "There we go," he said quietly, not pulling too far from Severus. "What about me?"

"You probably need a shower more than anything," Severus commented teasingly, flicking out his tongue to swipe across the tip of Harry's nose that glistened. Harry seemed surprised and Severus chuckled. "I suppose I'll have to teach you how to eat properly, as well," Severus whispered, leaning down to lick the sticky ice cream from Harry's chin.

"But that would ruin the fun," Harry said quietly and Severus smirked licking at his jaw and his cheek and anywhere else he saw Harry had managed to get ice cream before finally trailing the tip of his tongue around Harry's lips and ended by teasingly swiping it across his full, red lips. He meant to pull away after that, to make it harder on the younger man, but couldn't resist capturing those lips within his own, kissing him deeply, all thoughts of death and heartache forgotten in the taste of ice cream, cherries, blackberries and treacle tarts.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"…and then he snogged me senseless for a few minutes and then sent me to bed…Just out of no where. Like nothing was even happening. He drives me crazy, I swear," Harry was saying, wearing a broad grin.

It was Wednesday afternoon and he was sitting outside with Hermione and Draco. They were out by the lake, sitting under a tree doing homework…Or had been until Harry launched into his story of what had taken place last night with Severus.

"I'm straight and all, but I've got to say, Potter, that was kind of hot," Draco said, grinning, as well. "I can't believe he didn't shag you, though. Kind of disappointing."

"He's probably just trying to keep some sort of distance…Keep one line he hasn't crossed," Hermione said wisely. "He did make a big deal about Harry being under-aged and their teacher-student relationship, you know."

"Breaking the rules is half the fun," Draco insisted.

"I'm not that worried about it," Harry said honestly. "I would like to have sex. I'm a sixteen year old guy, _of course _I want sex," Harry said firmly when Hermione sent him an irritated look. "But I'm not going to push the issue. As long as he keeps kissing me like that, it's okay."

"Or you could just show up and lay in his bed naked and cover yourself in chocolate or something," Draco suggested. "They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach…But if you play it right, I could lead you right into his pants."

"Draco!" Hermione exclaimed, cheeks turning pink and she slapped her hand over her mouth, though the twinkling in her chocolate brown eyes told she was grinning beneath her palm.

"What?" Draco said with a grin. "You heard what their little snack did to them. I'm sure he couldn't resist a Harry pie…Okay, that sounds kind of gross," Draco amended, tapping his lips. "Though with a name like Harry, it's hard to make any food sound good."

"Thanks," Harry said, rolling his eyes.

"I _do_ think it was sweet that he knew your favorite dessert, though," Hermione said with a smile, finally dropping her hand from her mouth.

"Severus isn't always good with expressing emotion, but he can surprise you like that," Draco said. "He pays attention to things."

"I think it's romantic," Hermione said.

Harry laughed, forgetting to tell them about their little "argument" over the use of the word romantic. "Try telling him that," Harry smiled.

"Oh, you didn't," Draco laughed. "I'm sure that went over well. He doesn't like the idea of his 'big, scary monster' reputation being diminished."

"Of course not," Harry snorted. "So, how have your 'conquests' been coming along?"

Draco liked talking about sex. He liked hearing about other people's sex lives, he liked encouraging people to have sex lives, he liked talking about his own sex life, and he loved joking about sex. Harry remembered last year, many conversations had about the girls he had snogged and the few he had gone a bit further with. So when Draco didn't immediately launch into a story about fingering Daphne Greengrass or Tracey Davis's latest blow job, he knew something was wrong. Draco just sort of sat there, looking mildly uncomfortable before clearing his throat and holding his head high despite a small pink tinge in his cheeks.

"None, lately," Draco admitted. "I…think I might like someone. So I haven't really been focusing on other girls."

_That_ surprised Harry. Honestly, he didn't think Draco was the kind to ever really have feelings for anyone. "Who-?" Harry began, but was interrupted when Hermione abruptly stood up. "Oh gosh, I'm going to be late f-…Sorry, I'll see you later. Bye!" she said, grabbing her bag and darting off back to the castle.

"What?" Harry said, watching her run a bit confused and he quickly checked the time. "She doesn't have class for another hour," Harry said.

"Something must have upset her…You should go see if you can help," Draco said, standing up and walking off as well. He himself seemed a bit eager to get away, though Harry didn't think about that until a bit later. Feeling slightly confused, Harry shook his head and gathered his own things, heading back up to the castle and heading up to Gryffindor Tower.

Ginny walked up to him almost the moment he entered. "Something's wrong with Hermione."

"What happened?" Harry asked.

"I don't know," Ginny said, frowning. "She just sort of ran up to the girls' dormitories and she's just been in bed ever since. Lavender says she thinks she's crying, but she won't really talk to anyone."

Harry just sighed and walked with Ginny over to the couch, sitting down. "I dunno what happened. We were doing homework outside with Draco and out of no where she just gets up and runs off."

Ginny got a very suspicious look in her bright brown eyes that made Harry feel uneasy. "What were you talking about?"

"Quidditch," Harry lied immediately, not really sure at first why. It wasn't until a few minutes later that he really started thinking about it. They had been talking about Draco's sex life at the time. Hermione didn't have a crush on Draco, did she? That was just strange, Harry thought. No…It was more likely she was just thinking of Ron again and the subject of people's love lives was just making her more upset. That made more sense, he comforted himself.

The rest of the afternoon, Harry found himself spending time discussing the Quidditch season coming up and the tryouts for the team he would be holding the next day. He played a few games of Exploding Snap with Ginny and Demelza then watched the girls try to build a house of cards with them, both managing to duck away just in time to avoid being hit by an explosion. Romilda came out to flirt with him for a bit, but was saved from her getting too close when Ginny suddenly dragged him off to dinner.

Hermione joined them after a while, though she was quiet and pretending to read a book while she ate. Harry could tell she was pretending when the pages never turned and her eyes stared at the same place or looked off in the distance.

When the first students began leaving the hall and she figured it was safe, Hermione stood. Harry immediately dropped his fork and leaned in to Ginny. "I'll go talk to her," he said and hopped up, following her out into the corridor. "Hey, wait up!" he called after her, though she didn't stop. He finally grabbed her arm and managed to pull her aside on the second floor. "Hermione, what's going on?"

"Let me go, Harry!" Hermione hissed and he quickly dropped her arm and raised his hands. Hermione sighed and shook her head. "I'm so sorry, Harry, I just…Ugh. I hate this!"

"Hate what? What's going on, Mione?" Harry asked quietly.

"I…" she began, looking flustered. "Oh, Harry, I feel so awful! I just…I think I like Draco and…And how horrible is that? That…that…_ferret _is replacing Ron!"

Harry blinked in surprise. "What?"

"Haven't you heard people talking, Harry?" Hermione demanded. "They're calling us 'the new trio'…you, me, and _him_!" she exclaimed. "And I…he has! He's replaced Ron! He's your new best friend and I've started to be his friend and now I might have feelings for him and…It's not right, Harry!" she said and he was horrified to see her eyes wet with tears.

"Mione…" Harry said quietly, reaching out to hold her but she stepped back and held out her hands to stop him.

"No, Harry!" Hermione said stiffly, standing tall. "No. I'm fine. I just…I just think that I don't need to be around Dra-_Malfoy_ for a while. Ron should be here, Harry. Not him."

With that, Hermione spun around and walked off swiftly, leaving Harry to stare after her in shocked confusion.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note:** Hope everyone enjoyed. I'm glad so many people enjoyed the last chapter. Huge thanks to my reviewers: Mia Tun, vampirexsama, unreadmind, xXxElectraxXx, Arcadia Val, and SevLoverKat! An especially big thanks to Mia Tun for the lovely (and LARGE) review lol. It makes me really glad to see someone enjoying my story so much and it's honestly things like that that make this worthwhile, knowing how appreciated the story is! I love all of my reviewers who encourage me and it's because of you that this story's still going! Also, big thanks to everyone who leaves song suggestions. Even if I don't use them right away, they're good for future reference and have even helped when I look at the lyrics and think of a specific chapter in the future that they're perfect for. Plus, I love music and exploring things I haven't listened to before makes me super happy!

Chapter title lyrics from "Seduces Me" by Celine Dion. Thanks a ton, Mia Tun! There were so many lines from that song that seem perfect for so many things lol!


	43. In the Shape of Things to Come

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_In the Shape of Things to Come_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The first half of the year passed by rather quickly for Harry Potter, and luckily without much incident. Hermione, true to her word, had stayed away from Draco, meaning Harry had to split his time between his two best friends, though it was hard to do much with either of them when he had so much going on. The workload for sixth years along was big enough without adding being Quidditch captain and then extra lessons with Severus and Dumbledore on the sides. He could barely remember to eat and sleep as it was and sometimes it got a bit exhausting, but he knew it was all worth it. The more he learned about Voldemort and the more he learned how to do magic the better off he would be when actually facing having to kill Voldemort.

He couldn't say it was all bad, though. Often times Severus would let him nap on the couch with the older man holding him and reading his book, waking Harry to send him off to bed before curfew. Other times, when Harry wasn't ready to pass out, they would talk or have snacks or even play games now and then. Nights spent with Severus after his lessons were the highlight of his days. Severus still found ways out of doing more than kiss and still sometimes had those days where he was so closed off it scared him. But Draco would always reassure him that Severus was new to relationships and had issues with letting people in and reminded him he would have to be patient. Following Severus's grumpier days, days where he would try to pick arguments or ignore Harry's affections, things were normally better than usual, as though it was Severus's silent apology for his behavior.

The beginning of December was more hectic than ever, with teachers giving out loads of homework and assignments to complete before the holidays arrived. Unfortunately, Severus had cancelled many of their lessons for the month to allow him time to get caught up on his schoolwork, especially since the main thing he needed to master was Occlumency and onto attempting nonverbal wandless spells. They didn't need daily lessons, though Harry would miss spending time with Severus. It really was a shame the man he loved was so serious about Harry's schoolwork and adamant that he do well, even threatening to end their evenings together completely if Harry started doing too poorly in classes. Just last night that had led to a very nasty argument.

"Fuck, it's like I'm in a relationship with my bloody father!" Harry had snapped.

"I'm certainly old enough to be your father, aren't I?" Severus had said coldly. "Though please, do not ever mistake me for the scum of the earth."

Harry's eyes had flashed dangerously. "Really wish you would stop fucking talking about the people I care about that way!"

"And _I_, Mr. Potter, wish that _you _were more serious about your schoolwork and stop acting like a bloody child every time you're faced with something that displeases you," Severus had snapped back.

"Maybe I'd stop acting like a child if you would stop treating me like one!" Harry snapped back. "Bloody pedophile."

_That _comment had not gone over well with Severus and after several more minutes of arguing they somehow ended up kissing one another roughly before Severus got his mind back and told Harry to leave and go study.

"He's just looking out for you, Harry," Hermione told him the following evening as they sat in the common room, doing their Potions homework together.

"Yeah, I know, but still…It's a bit weird to have your…" Harry said, trailing off when he came upon the word boyfriend. It seemed so weird thinking of Severus as his _boyfriend_. "…significant other riding your arse about schoolwork!"

"It's not that uncommon, actually," Hermione said. "Maybe not for people our age, but people get onto their lovers about things like work or school or housekeeping or other things. It just means that he's looking out for you and wants to make sure you're doing everything you need to do and help you achieve those goals."

Harry sighed. "Yes, well, I've been working my arse off for months. Don't I deserve a break?"

Hermione smiled sadly. "Of course you do, Harry. And we have Christmas coming up…Dumbledore and Snape both said you can have the holidays off to enjoy."

"Thank God," Harry said. In only another couple of weeks and he would be free. Even then, though, what good would that be? He wouldn't be able to stay with Severus…Sirius was probably expecting him at Grimmauld Place and he was sure if he tried to use his lessons as an excuse, Sirius would get mad and say something to Dumbledore or Severus about the matter. Harry was honestly excited to see his godfather, but he did hope to have some time to enjoy alone with Severus. The Christmas holidays would be a great time for them to spend more time together, aside from an hour or two a day after his lessons.

"Speaking of Christmas," Hermione said after a minute. Harry glanced up, surprised to see her face so nervous. "Slughorn is having a party for the Slug Club…He asked me to find a time where you would be able to attend and…Well I figure you could get out of it easily if you really wanted, since you _have _had an awful lot of extra lessons. But I was hoping you might go to just this one? With me?" Hermione asked hopefully. "I really do not feel like going by myself and he said we could bring dates and Cormac McLaggen is going to ask me any day now, or so Lavender says, and I would really appreciate having a good reason to turn him down."

Harry hesitated. He really did not want to be around Slughorn and he wasn't sure going with Hermione was the best of ideas. If Slughorn started praising his amazing Potions skills, Hermione was bound to end up in a rotten and bitter mood. Looking into her hopeful eyes, though, Harry found himself saying, "Yes. Of course I will."

"Oh, thank you, Harry!" Hermione said brightly, leaning over her books and parchment to hug him.

"No problem," Harry told her, though that wasn't entirely the case. All he could do was hope that the party wouldn't go quite as bad as Harry imagined it would.

Hermione immediately returned to her homework in high spirits and Harry looked back down at his own Potions book. He hadn't gotten very far on his essay, as he kept getting sidetracked reading the things the Prince had written in the margins. Spells, alternative potions recipes, or even small notes. He made sure to write something down now and then, but he could still feel Hermione's suspicious gaze on him and knew she'd start harping on about how much she didn't trust the Half Blood Prince if he kept himself distracted too long.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The following day found Harry in a better mood. It was another lesson with Severus that evening and despite the fact they had fought the last time they were together, Harry was still looking forward to seeing the man. It was probably the last time he'd get to see him this week, at least alone, so Harry was determined to make the most of it.

At breakfast that morning, he received a letter from Sirius. Figuring it was probably to discuss what they would do for Christmas this year, Harry opened it eagerly, quickly scanning the words before going back over them and reading them carefully.

_Dear Harry,_

_I'm afraid I don't have very good news. Dumbledore's given Remus and myself a very important task and it is the first really big thing I can contribute to. I am not completely sure if we'll be back by Christmas or not. If not, we left you our gift under the tree here at home. You are more than welcome to come along and stay here during the holidays, if you would like. If you have other places you would rather go, such as visiting the Weasleys or spending time with Draco Malfoy, that is fine, too. If we do make it back before Christmas I would be very happy to see you and will send an owl along to let you know. _

_I have heard that you've been doing well with your schoolwork. Given the fact that you have so much going on, I'm very proud of you for managing such decent grades. I know it must all be challenging right now and very stressful. You are going through a lot of things no one your age should have to, but I would just like to encourage you to keep up the good work and learn as much as you can. Always know that you have many people who care about you and who are willing to help you with everything you have been asked to do. Being as I'm not there, I'm not sure what I can do, but always know that you can come to Remus or myself with anything. We will always do our best by you._

_-Sirius_

Harry frowned a bit at the letter and handed it over to Hermione who was looking at him curiously. At least his hopes of spending more time with Severus might be managed, but he was a bit disappointed that he might not be able to spend time with his godfather. He _did_ see Severus more and felt a little bad for wishing so much he could spend more time with Severus. Disappointment settled in as he nibbled half heartedly on a piece of sausage while Hermione read and handed it back to him, looking at him sympathetically.

"It's…not so bad," Hermione said. "He did say there's a possibility he could be back and you could always spend Christmas Day with him."

"Yeah. I hope so," Harry said, glancing up at the Head Table when he felt someone looking at him. Severus wasn't looking, but turned back to do so when Harry looked at him. He shot him a questioning, concerned look and Harry just shrugged, not really sure how else to respond to it.

After breakfast, Harry flew around on the pitch for a bit before it was time for his first class, Defense Against the Dark Arts. Harry spotted Hermione just a few minutes after he arrived, but her face fell and she strode quickly past him, to his momentary confusion. Just a second later he realized Draco was right beside him. His gray eyes had followed Hermione and he was frowning deeply. "How's she been?"

"Fine," Harry replied. Draco had taken to asking about Hermione now and then. It wasn't a daily ritual or anything, but Harry could still tell that it bothered Draco somewhat.

"You okay?" Draco asked, turning to look at him.

"Eh," Harry replied. "I was hoping to see Sirius this Christmas but he'll be busy. Might just stay here, I think."

"_I'd_ like to stay here…It's all a matter of convincing my mother," Draco mumbled. Harry frowned. He almost forgot that Severus had mentioned that Draco's father had escaped Azkaban. Considering his past with his father, Harry didn't blame Draco for wanting to stay away.

"Tell her what you tell everyone else. That you have to spy on me," Harry suggested.

Draco smirked. "If only. I dunno if that would really work or not…She'll think I'm working too hard," he said, rolling his eyes. "Though I'm sure I can make a pretty convincing argument." There was a small pause before Draco went on with a mischievous smile. "Speaking of Christmas…I heard about Slughorn's party. Theodore asked me to try to convince you to ask him to be your date."

Harry raised his eyebrow. "What?" He had figured Nott had given up on trying to seduce him now that he and Severus were together and Voldemort knew it. There had been no more attempts, but Harry had been too busy to notice or be around for anything to happen.

"I'm not supposed to be obvious about it…Pride, you know?" he said laughing. "But I'm supposed to remind you that there are better options out there." Draco rolled his eyes and shook his head. "He and his father don't trust Severus and are still hopeful they can sway you…Make them look good and all."

"Too bad for him, I already agreed to go with Hermione," Harry said.

Draco just frowned and nodded. It wasn't the first time the thought crossed Harry's mind that maybe those feelings Hermione had spoken of weren't quite unrequited.

Harry didn't mention it, though.

Instead Severus let them in and Harry took his usual seat beside Hermione, who was quieter than usual. Severus started the class by reviewing some of the spells they had learned last time and announced that he would be pairing them up to practice using them nonverbally. This time, instead of letting them choose partners, Severus put them together himself…A Gryffindor with a Slytherin, seemed to be the pattern.

"Longbottom, Parkinson," Severus began. "Finnigan, Goyle. Patil, Crabbe. Brown, Nott. Granger, Malfoy. Greengrass, Potter…"

Hermione's eyes were wide when Severus called out her name with Draco's and Harry shot the man a funny look, that he ignored. Severus knew how things were with Draco and Hermione…Unless Draco had done something about it. Harry turned his curious look to Draco, who refused to meet his eye as he stood up to walk over to Hermione. Hermione shot him a pleading look, as if begging him to stay, but he shot her an apologetic look and stood up. He'd have to position himself and Daphne close to them, if it would make her feel better. Harry was so preoccupied with them that when he stood up, he accidentally knocked the books on his table onto the floor. "Bloody hell," he muttered.

"Five points from Gryffindor," Severus said smoothly from in front of him. Harry glared at the man and kneeled down to pick up his books, but the Potions textbook, which had been lying open, shot up into the air and Harry glanced up in surprise as Severus caught it and opened it. Harry had a bad feeling about that…Severus wore a strange look on his face as he flipped through the book. "And I will be keeping this. Meet me after class, Potter," Severus said before striding off with the book.

Harry wanted to argue and demand his book back, but shut his mouth. Why did Severus have to go take the book? He'd probably have the same ideas about it as Hermione and Ginny, which really should have told him something. Daphne Greengrass clearing her throat impatiently caught his attention and he sighed and pulled out his wand and tried to focus on the lesson. As far into the year as they were, only a handful could do nonverbal spells and even fewer could do them well. Hermione and Draco seemed to be showing off, flinging spells at one another and easily deflecting them with Shield Charms. Harry was so distracted watching them that he barely paid attention to Daphne until he felt his wand fly out of his wand.

Harry opened his mouth to Summon it, but closed it back and tried to Accio it wordlessly. After a few minutes of trying the wand flew back into his hand and he glared at Daphne's smug smile. He raised his wand and tried thinking of a spell to use against her, since Severus was taking point for people not using spells they had recently learned, saying it was pointless and ridiculous to use first year level spells against their opponent in a NEWT level class.

Harry struggled with it, but successfully blinded and unblended Daphne and put up one Shield against a spell she shot in his direction by the end of class. Draco wasn't smiling, but in his eyes Harry could tell how pleased he was with himself whereas Hermione looked miserable and anxious as she packed her bag and left the class ahead of everyone else. Harry, meanwhile, took his time packing his bag, since Severus wanted him to stay after class. He sat at his desk and watched the other students file out. Pansy Parkinson followed Draco like a dog, batting her eyelashes and flirted shamelessly, though he seemed to have no interest. The small group of Slytherins that followed were whispering and giggling and looking at Harry, probably taking amusement in the fact that he was probably in trouble.

"Good luck, Harry," Neville whispered on his way out behind everyone else, the door slamming shut behind him.

Now that they were alone, Harry stood up and hesitantly walked over to Severus's desk. The Potions text was laying open on his desk, his long fingers tracing over the words the Prince had written into the margins. "Where on Earth did you get this, Potter?" Severus asked.

"Potions cupboard. I didn't have my copy the first day of class," Harry admitted, shifting on his feet and moving his bag a bit.

"And why did you not put it back when you found your copy?" Severus asked.

Harry sighed. "Because I was doing better in class with _that_ copy."

Severus nodded slowly, flipping the page. "Of course," Severus muttered. "And have you been practicing with anything _else_ in this book?"

Harry hesitated. How much had Severus seen? "Erm…No. Just…Looked them over," he lied, remembering trying the nonverbal Levicorpus and having it affect Neville in the dorms.

Severus eyed him a moment, as if not sure whether or not to believe him. Harry swallowed hard and resisted the urge to move around and look away nervously. That would only make it more obvious. "Some of the things in this book are not safe," Severus said quietly, closing the book.

"I…I won't do anything stupid," Harry promised.

"You're not getting it back," Severus said.

"Why not?" Harry demanded in frustration. He relied too much on the Prince's help, enjoyed reading over everything handwritten too much.

"It does not belong to you," Severus said through gritted teeth.

"Why does it matter so much?" Harry asked.

There was a pause and Severus just stared at him hard for a long minute. "This book belonged to me, Potter."

Harry blinked in surprise. "What?"

"My mother's name was Eileen Prince," Severus explained patiently. "My father was a Muggle, making me a half blood. I'm the Half Blood Prince. Everything in that book…is mine."

Harry stared at him in surprise. He glanced down at the book and then back up at Severus. _He_ was the Half Blood Prince? Harry almost wanted to laugh, how strange it was that the book that belonged to the man he loved had somehow ended up in his hands. "And…There's dangerous stuff in there?"

"Did I spend my time at Hogwarts inventing dangerous spells and potions?" Severus said instead. "Yes. As you well know I did not have a…_pleasant_…experience at school. I spent most of my time daydreaming about being in power and not having to worry about people like your father. I invented these spells in hopes of being able to protect myself and to punish them. I never did anything too harsh in those days, but the option was there."

Harry nodded slowly in understanding. He had seen for himself glimpses of Severus's schoolboy days. It felt so weird thinking of him using violent spells against his father or Sirius, though he supposed he couldn't blame him too much for wanting to protect himself.

"I…umm…kind of got rid of the book I originally bought," Harry confessed. "I switched them." Severus didn't say anything for a minute and Harry felt more and more awkward and uncertain standing there. Severus seemed lost in thought and Harry was anxious to get Severus to let him keep the book. "Look…I won't do anything stupid, okay? But…I dunno…I really like it."

"Because you're using it to do better than everyone else," Severus accused. "Why Slughorn chose such a useless text is beyond me. I had to make corrections for good reason," Severus muttered.

"Right," Harry said. "Look, Se-S-sir…Can…_May_ I keep it?"

Severus continued looking at the book, tapping his finger gently on the desk. Harry was growing impatient, ready to speak again when Severus finally replied. "If I hear you've been using anything in this book, you will pay for it, Potter. Take my warning very seriously, some of the things written here are dangerous."

"Anything…that might be useful?" Harry asked curiously, quickly explaining at the sharp look Severus shot him. "I mean, for…for you know what," he said in a whisper. "Anything that might be useful in lessons?"

"Bring it tonight and we'll see," Severus said thoughtfully, picking up the book and handing it to Harry, though he looked like he didn't want to do so. Harry took it gratefully and grinned.

"Thanks, sir," Harry said. He glanced over his shoulder at the closed door and chewed the inside of his lip for a minute. Severus probably had a new class coming in soon and his heart raced as he considered it. Licking his lips, Harry turned around and quickly leaned over the desk to kiss Severus, missing his lips entirely and planting his lips against the man's nose instead. Harry flushed when he realized his mistake and Severus smirked in amusement, eying the door himself before grabbing Harry's face and pressing a quick kiss to his lips before shoving him gently.

Harry did his best to hide his goofy grin as he left the classroom, hurrying back to Gryffindor Tower. The second year Huffelpuffs and Ravenclaws waiting outside looked at him like he had lost his mind.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note:** Not much, but an important lead up to events. Especially with such a time jump lol. Anyway I hope everyone enjoyed it. I'm so excited for the next chapter and I'm sure you'll all love it! Thanks so much to xXxElectraxXx and unreadmind for reviewing the last chapter! Love you guys! Please review!

Chapter title lyrics from "Every You, Every Me" by Placebo.


	44. My Need to Possess You Has Consumed My S

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_My Need to Possess You Has Consumed My Soul_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The night before Christmas break, Harry stood in the Gryffindor common room a bit more dressed up than he normally cared for. He sat with Dean (who was waiting on Ginny) on the couch while Cormac leaned against the wall boasting and bragging about how good he looked and how much fun the party was going to be and how lucky he was to score such a beautiful date (Lavender Brown) and how supposedly amazing he had been during the last Quidditch game. Harry and Dean didn't need to talk to exchange the message that they were both ready to hex him silly.

Ginny was the first to come down ten minutes after the boys were ready. She was beautiful in red dress robes, her fiery red hair in soft curls. She grinned at Dean and plopped down in between him and Harry. "I told Hermione we'd wait on her, if that's alright," Ginny said to her boyfriend who wrapped his arm around her and nodded. "And Cormac, Lavender might be a while. She can't decide between silver, gold, or blue robes," Ginny said, rolling her eyes. "Hermione's trying to help, but I don't know if she'll be of much help."

Cormac didn't seem to mind much. He was basking in the attention of Romilda Vane and her friends. Just three minutes later, Hermione joined them. She looked stunning in lilac colored robes with her brown hair in a sleek chignon. She wore light traces of make up, including glossy pink lips. Harry noticed Cormac stop to look at her, causing his adoring fans to turn and look on jealously. "You look great, Mione," Harry said, smiling and standing up, reaching out to take her hand.

"Thanks," Hermione said smiling. "Oh, Lavender should be ready soon," she said to Cormac. "I'm pretty sure she finally decided on the silver robes."

Ginny laughed and took Dean's hand and the four walked out and headed to Slughorn's office. "I heard Malfoy's going to be there," Ginny said as they walked, sending a glance in Hermione's direction. Harry wasn't sure if Hermione had told Ginny her problem or not with Draco, but she was sure to have noticed something. They had actually been friends for a little while until that day. "He's going with…Hestia Carrow, I think…And Theodore Nott is going with Flora Carrow. I don't know if Sluggy will like that very much. I heard he has an issue with Death Eater kids."

"Interesting," Hermione said, looking suddenly distracted. Her pace slowed a bit, but Harry squeezed her hand and tugged her along. The closer they got to Slughorn's office, the more they heard the sound of laughter, music, and loud conversation. Walking in, Harry was a bit surprised by how large the room was and he wondered if magic had been used to make it so big. He didn't think anyone else's offices were naturally this large.

The place looked dramatic with its emerald, crimson, and gold hangings and the ornate golden lamp that cast red light around the room. Loud singing and mandolins could be heard from one corner. There was a thick haze of smoke nearby around a group of elderly warlocks with pipes in deep conversation. Hermione looked scandalized by the number of house elves struggling through the crowd carrying silver platters of food and drinks. "Oh my God!" Hermione said, sounding disgusted.

"You talked to Slughorn about SPEW at all?" Harry asked curiously.

"Not nearly enough, apparently!" Hermione exclaimed, horrified.

"It's a party, just try to enjoy yourself," Harry encouraged.

"How can I enjoy myself when-" Hermione began, though she suddenly cut herself off, eyes growing wide. Harry had a good idea of why before he even looked, unsurprised to see Draco standing just a few yards away standing near Hestia Carrow dressed in green robes. She and her sister were dressed exactly alike, so it would have been entirely impossible to tell them apart, only which boy they stood beside letting Harry had a guess at who they were. Harry himself groaned when Theodore caught his eye and winked, offering a charming smile that had been known to make girls weak at the knees. Harry wasn't getting it.

"Harry, m'boy!" Slughorn exclaimed, coming up behind him. "And young Miss Granger! Glad you both could make it! Come along, many people I'd like you to meet!"

Slughorn gripped Harry's arm tightly and dragged him along and Harry tightened his grip on Hermione's hand to bring her along with him. He could hear Dean and Ginny laughing behind him and turned to shoot them both a playful glare. Maybe they could leave early, Harry thought to himself. He had at least made an appearance and Harry wasn't sure how much of Slughorn he could handle.

"Harry, I'd like you to meet Eldred Worple, an old student of mine, author of _Blood Brothers: My Life Among the Vampires_-and, of course, his friend Sanguini."

Worple grabbed Harry's hand and shook it enthusiastically. The vampire merely nodded mutely, looking bored.

"This, of course, is Harry Potter," Slughorn announced to Worple. "And I see he brought the lovely Miss Granger as his date. Brilliant and talented young witch, she is. Destined for a future in politics, I'm sure…She could change the Ministry in astounding ways, I believe."

Hermione blushed and smiled. "Thank you, Professor, but really, I don't think I'm that good."

"It is a pleasure to meet you both," Worple said with a grin. "Ah, Harry Potter, I am simply delighted! You know, I was just saying to Professor Slughorn the other day, _'Where is the biography of Harry Potter for which we have all been waiting?'_"

"Er, were you?" Harry said, listening as Worple went on to explain how he would write Harry's biography for him and explaining how they could do it. Interviews and it wouldn't take very long to do. He paused for a moment to keep Sanguini from going after a group of pretty young girls before returning to discuss how immensely popular it would be and how much money he could make and how many people were dying to know more about him.

"I'm definitely not interested," Harry said firmly. "and I've just seen a friend of mine, sorry."

Harry pulled Hermione along into the crowd, eager to get away from…well, everyone, really. Unfortunately, they ran right into a group of Slytherins: Draco, Hestia, Flora, Nott, Zabini, and Daphne. "Sorry," Harry muttered, feeling Hermione tug hard on him to pull him away. Harry let her drag him off, though he heard Draco say behind him, "Excuse me for a minute."

"Think we've been here long enough yet?" Hermione muttered.

"I hope so," Harry replied. He wasn't really keen on this party to begin with and had only come for Hermione's sake. Slughorn got on his nerves and so did all of the people gaping at _the famous Harry Potter_. He saw many people eye him hopefully and step in his direction and Harry honestly did not feel like dealing with any of those sorts of people.

Hermione seemed to be headed in the direction of four Gryffindors: Ginny and Dean seemed to have been cornered by Cormac and Lavender. Lavender looked pretty in a set of pale blue and pale gray robes with her dark blond hair in a long braid. She was giggling girlishly, to Ginny's apparent disgust and Dean was looking around, as though trying to find an escape.

"Harry! Hermione! Wait a second," Draco called out, rushing around and coming to stop in front of them so that they had to stop. Draco held up his hand, a long necklace dangling from his index finger. The chain was white gold with a small sterling rose pendant on the end. "I think this fell off of you, Hermione?"

"Why…Yes…That…That's mine," Hermione said, holding her head high as she reached out her hand to take it. Draco held the bottom of her hand with his free one and slowly dropped the necklace into her palm.

"You look…really beautiful," Draco told her, earning a disgusted look from Nott that Harry glared at.

"Hello, Harry," Nott said with a smile.

"Well…Thank you," Hermione said nervously. "You…You look really great…yourself."

"Nott," Harry said.

"Theodore," Nott corrected with a smile, stepping closer.

Was he _really_ going to do this in a room full of people? Especially a room full of people happily gawking at Harry? Harry glanced up and around at the shameless watchers. He almost didn't notice Severus standing in the shadows…_almost_. Harry could feel that intense gaze boring into him and it helped in seeking out the older man. Severus had a very strong look in his eyes as he stared at Harry, then went to glaring daggers into Nott's back.

"Umm…Theodore," Harry said, nodding his head and glancing towards Draco and Hermione.

"I haven't seen much of you lately," Nott said. "I…apologize if I came off a bit too strong. In detention with McGonagall and all."

"I've been busy," Harry replied. "And…Yeah. You were a bit forward."

Nott bowed his head apologetically. "You'll have to forgive me…It's not often one finds someone who shares our tastes and I'm afraid I got a bit too excited over the prospect."

"Right," Harry said, glancing to Draco and Hermione again, surprised to see Draco leaning in as if to kiss her while Hermione gaped at the mistletoe over her head. When Draco was close enough, Hermione finally looked back at him, seeming startled a second before their lips met, though she didn't push him away as he kissed her. Just past them, Harry could see Ginny staring at them in shock, face reddening a bit, though Harry didn't stop to think about what it meant. Ginny was there and could help Hermione if she needed it. Harry only wanted to get away from Nott before the boy did something stupid in front of everyone.

"Well, if you'll excuse me," Harry muttered, turning and pushing through the crowd that was now whispering excitedly. He was looking for the exit, but with so many people it was hard to tell where he was and he ended up in a secluded corner with Nott on his tail. "What do you want?" Harry demanded, glaring at the other boy.

Nott raised his hands, as if to show that he was harmless. "Just to talk, Harry."

"I can't imagine you have anything important to say to me," Harry said, becoming annoyed very quickly.

"Look, I know you have a thing with Snape," Nott said quietly. "But…You can do much better than that, Harry. You have so much to offer…You deserve someone who can give back just as much," Nott whispered seductively, stepping closer. Harry made to step aside and around Nott, but the boy was quick and had him back against a wall, glancing upwards. "Oh look…A mistletoe," he said, quickly leaning in to kiss Harry. His lips and tongue moved skillfully against Harry's mouth, his hands caressing Harry's sides.

Now angry, Harry shoved against Nott. Nott stumbled back, but came back in, grinning wickedly before kissing him again. The boy was a lot longer than he looked, pinning Harry's wrists to the wall. Harry hissed and bit the boy's lip hard, but he only moaned and smirked. Hissing in disgust, Harry tried to turn his head away instead and struggled, managing to finally get his leg free enough to stomp on Nott's foot, which made him loosen his grip enough for Harry to shove him away and punch him hard in the face. Nott growled and the force of it sent him stumbling to the side a few feet. Harry pulled out his wand and pointed it at Nott, a threat on the tip of his tongue when he felt a hand grip his shoulder hard.

"Ten points from Gryffindor for hitting another student," Severus said quietly, his voice low and dangerous. "And ten points from Slytherin for attempting to molest another student in public."

_In public_. Harry almost snorted, but his heart was racing too much, still too worked up over what had just happened. "Sorry, Professor," Harry grumbled, turning around to push through the crowd. He went to go find Hermione, but she was talking to Draco by a table a few yards away from Ginny and Dean who were snogging in the shadows. She looked okay from where Harry stood, so he continued on, narrowly avoiding Slughorn, as he found the exit and gratefully slipped out into the corridor.

He could feel someone following him. He didn't have to look over his shoulder to know who it was.

It wasn't a long walk from Slughorn's office to Severus's. While the Defense room was upstairs, Severus's office and quarters were still in the dungeons, near his precious Slytherins. He heard the office door close as he walked around the desk to the wall, glancing over his shoulder to be sure it was Severus before offering the password. The time the door had formed, Severus was standing directly behind him, but Harry said nothing as he opened the door and stepped inside. Harry marched all the way across the room, only stopping and turning to Severus when he heard that door close.

They stared at each other in silence a moment. Harry swallowed hard, his mind still racing from the events. Severus stared at him with such power that Harry thought those black eyes might burn holes straight through his body. The man stood tense, as though restraining himself with all of his power to keep from doing _something_. Harry could feel the fury radiating from him, clashing with his own anger.

"Are you alright?" Severus asked quietly, slowly stepping closer.

"Are you?" Harry shot back, hating how mean his voice sounded, but finding he could hardly help himself. Severus didn't seem to mind.

"I could kill him," Severus murmured, grasping Harry's shoulders and shoving him back a few feet, causing him to stumble back before hitting the wall. Severus straightened him up, staring down into his eyes. Harry found he couldn't look away, even if he wanted to.

"So could I," he breathed only a second before Severus's mouth slammed against his. Teeth clashes painfully and the force of his mouth was hard enough to bruise. Snogging or shagging while angry or jealous had always seemed like such a strange concept to Harry, but actually experiencing it, it made perfect sense. Severus gripped Harry's shoulders hard, holding him firmly against the wall while Harry moved his hands up to entangle his fingers in Severus's greasy black hair, tugging tightly on the long strands. Kissing, as it turned out, was a nice method of release from his anger, making him feel better and stronger. He kissed Severus back just as hard. It didn't' feel good in any sort of normal sense, but it was exactly what he needed. He kissed Severus back just as hard, pressing his body closer to Severus's and urging the man closer. Severus obeyed, pressing the entire length of his tall body against Harry's, sandwiching him between himself and the wall. It seemed like such a girl thing, being the one pressed into the wall, but Harry found he enjoyed being under Severus's power this way. He enjoyed the taste of the man's possessiveness and jealousy and fury through these kisses, telling him exactly what he meant to Severus in a completely new way. He felt needed and desired and possessed in such a powerful and addicting way.

"Tell me, Potter," Severus growled against his mouth before kissing him deeply again. He then moved his face down to Harry's neck, sucking and biting on the flesh hard. "Did you enjoy his kisses?"

"No," Harry gasped, clutching at Severus as he licked over the now sore area of his neck.

"Did you enjoy his _touch_?" Severus asked, emphasizing the word by pressing his hands hard into Harry, dragging them down his chest and stomach.

"No," Harry said, moaning as Severus moved to the other side of his neck.

"And why is that?" he whispered against his skin, continuing to nibble and kiss and suck up his neck until he reached his earlobe, capturing it between his lips.

"B…because he's…not…you," Harry moaned, pressing his hips desperately against Severus. His trousers were tight and he felt so hard it was painful. Severus grasped his hips and pressed their hips together, shifting his own body so that their arousals could align. Harry gasped sharply at the feel of Severus's erection through his black robes.

"What should that matter?" Severus demanded, switching from his roughness to gentle kisses along his jaw. "He's certainly attractive, isn't he?"

"Should I be worried that you noticed?" Harry asked breathlessly, moaning as Severus caught his bottom lip between his teeth, pulling gently.

"Answer the question," Severus commanded.

"I thought I was the only sixteen year old boy you were noticing," Harry muttered.

"_Answer the question_," Severus growled.

Not sure if he was more annoyed or turned on, Harry shoved Severus away and turned them around so that he slammed Severus half into the wall and half into the door to his bedroom. "I only want you," Harry assured the older man, kissing him deeply again. He wasn't sure what was wrong with him, only later assuming that Severus's intensity from his anger and possessiveness had rubbed off on him. He certainly hadn't been _this_ pissed off, had he? It didn't matter much at the moment as Harry frantically rubbed their groins together while he grasped at Severus and kissed him hard.

A few minutes later, Severus reached over and grasped the doorknob, turning it and pushing it open before grabbing Harry again and flipping them again so that he was back in control, shoving Harry into his bedroom. Harry stumbled back a bit and nearly lost his balance, but Severus wrapped his arms around his waist and picked him up. Harry clumsily wrapped his legs around Severus for support. It didn't seem like a very manly thing to be doing, but Harry couldn't have cared less the way Severus was holding him and kissing every inch of him he could reach before dumping Harry onto the bed.

Harry sat up a bit and scooted back, but Severus was soon crawling over him, pressing down onto him and kissing at his neck while his fingers pulled open the buttons of Harry's dark blue robes. "You are _mine_," Severus whispered hotly into his ear, moving his lips downward until he met the newly exposed skin as he pulled at Harry's robes, shirtless beneath them (though he still felt a bit too weird to go without the trousers). Harry moaned as Severus trailed his lips along his collarbone, Severus's words still echoing in his mind. Harry tangled his fingers in Severus's hair, wanting desperately to pull off his robes the rest of the way, but not wanting to stop touching Severus for one second.

Both froze when they heard a pounding on the door. They barely dared to breathe, just waiting. The pounding continued after a few long seconds and they sighed heavily. "Bloody fucking hell," Harry grumbled.

"Goddamn it," Severus muttered, struggling to sit up and hastily adjusting his robes so that the bulge was less noticeable. "Wait here," Severus instructed, walking swiftly from the room and closing the door firmly.

Harry lay back against the bed, his heart pounding powerfully in his chest, a loud ringing in his ears. He laid quietly, straining to hear the voices outside, but he couldn't make out who it was or what was being said. He figured he could get up and go listen at the door, but found his body wouldn't cooperate much with movement. He was starting to feel a bit dazed by everything, a bit surprised by how the evening had turned out. He was angry with Nott for being such a pushy jerk and a bit panicked that he had been pushing so hard. He also had known that Severus could get a bit jealous, but was a bit shocked by how strong it was and where it had taken them. It was a bit hot, honestly.

It was hard to resist reaching down and fumbling with his trousers with shaky fingers. He pushed them down enough to reach into his boxers, grabbing his cock. He groaned as he stroked it firmly, remembering the fierce way Severus had grabbed him, how passionately he kissed him, that intense look in those black eyes…It wasn't long before he pressed his feet deeply into the mattress, orgasm overtaking him and ending as he slumped back into the bed, gasping quietly.

"If only the headmaster had seen that little display."

Harry shot up in bed, grinning sheepishly as he tugged his hand out of his pants and casting a quick cleaning spell over his sticky fingers. "That was Dumbledore?"

Severus nodded. "Wanted to be sure you were here. Granger and Draco were worried about you," he explained. He leaned against the doorframe and examined Harry a moment, hesitating a moment before speaking. "He said that…should we be cautious…he would grant us permission for you to stay here…with me…during the holidays."

Headmasters encouraging student-teacher relationships. Harry almost laughed out of amusement and gratefulness. He licked his lips. "Would you want me to be here?"

"After tonight's display, that should be obvious," Severus drawled.

Harry grinned. "Jealous, were you?"

Severus glared at him and stepped into the room, shutting the door behind him. He shrugged out of his own robes and dropped them to the floor, standing in a long-sleeved black shirt and black trousers. "My feelings for you have, to my great disgust, become very clear," Severus explained, stepping closer to the bed and pulling off his shirt. Harry's eyes became transfixed by his pale, bare chest…More strong and muscular than he appeared in his black robes, marred by long, pale scars. Somehow, the imperfections made him all the more appealing. "Now that I have you, I have no intentions of letting anything or any_one_ else get in the way," he said quietly, trailing his fingers over Harry's leg before crawling into bed beside him. "Nott wants you badly…Not because he's attracted to you, but for what you could do to him. He can be quite persuasive…And you are young."

"And you think he's better looking," Harry added, sitting up. "But I've already told you I'm not a normal teenager. I love you, Severus. You don't have anything to worry about."

"But I always will," Severus promised. "Every time anyone even looks at you in that way, I can't stand it," he confessed. He had to be caught up in the moment…Harry could hardly imagine the man saying such moving things just any day. "I do not share what is mine, and the mere thought of it…" Severus said, trailing off, just staring at Harry with that look in his eyes…Not nearly so wild as earlier, but just as intense and deep that the moment Harry met that gaze, it took his breath away.

Harry licked his lips and Severus laid out beside him and Harry let himself rest back again. Severus leaned down over him and kissed him deeply, softer now. Slowly they peeled away each other's clothes until they were only in their underwear and Severus maneuvered the blankets so that they were laying beneath them and they held each other close, kissing in a different way, but no less satisfying or expressive.

It was comfortable. He had never felt more safe than he did here with Severus. There was something so very exciting about knowing he was so desired and so loved…and while their raging need was gone by now, they were content and even happy with their new means of communicating their feelings to one another. Harry never wanted it to end, feeling entirely consumed in Severus's kisses and his gentle caresses.

Eventually, though, Severus pulled away. "We should get some sleep," he whispered, kissing Harry languidly one last time before putting out the lights. Harry might have protested had he not suddenly realized how tired he was and loosened his grip a bit on Severus, finding peace as they wrapped themselves around each other before falling into deep, pleasant sleep.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **And we should all thank Nott for being an arrogant jerk-off and getting us more snarry action! Yay! Hehehe. I hope everyone enjoyed it! I certainly had fun writing it!

Thanks so much to my reviewers unreadmind and vampirexsama!

To unreadmind: I'm glad you liked it! Those were two of my favorite parts lol and I'm super happy you enjoyed them, too!

To vampirexsama: I'm so happy my updates please you so much! It's nice to know that my story is so well received! And yeah lol…While this is a snarry story, I wanted there to be some other stuff going on, and I felt it was important to include things involving the lives of the people closest to him, especially Draco and Hermione. I have to admit, while Ron grew on me in the last couple of books, I never really liked him much and I was never much of a Ron/Hermione person. So while I don't hate him like I used to, I felt it was important to kill him off lol.

I hope you both and everyone else enjoyed this new chapter! Please review everyone, cause you know I love them!

Chapter title lyrics from "Obsession" by Animotion. I have a feeling I once watched a snarry video with this song…lol. I don't care how cheesy or dumb it is, I love that song.


	45. Call It Desperation

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Call It Desperation_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Harry dreamed of fire and passion that night. He dreamed of Nott following him into Severus's office and pinning Harry to the wall and kissing him and touching him some more. And Severus would storm in from his rooms and hurl hexes and curses at Nott until he moved away from Harry. Severus then moved forward and pressed Harry into the wall, kissing him just as hard and possessively as he had last night. He bit and sucked hard on Harry's neck, mumbling that Harry belonged to him and that he needed to make sure people understood that. Nott stood up after that and tried to curse Severus, but Severus easily deflected the curse back upon Nott without even looking, without hardly moving away from Harry. He only stopped long enough to curse Nott some more before forcing him to watch as he bent Harry over his desk and fucked him, assuring Harry that no one else would ever have him and threatening Nott at the same time.

When Harry woke up, he heard a quiet chuckle and an amused voice muttering "Teenagers," under his breath. Still caught somewhere between sleep and being awake, he snuggled closer to the warm body beside him, trying to keep the image alive as long as possible. Arms tightened securely around him and he felt lips pressing against the top of his head. "Are you having a good dream, _Harry_?" Severus asked and Harry wasn't really sure if it was dream Severus or the real Severus…Or maybe it was both. "Mhm," he mumbled sleepily with a lazy smile, rubbing his hips firmly against the solid object he was pressed against, moaning quietly at the friction provided.

Severus snorted. "Potter, wake up and cease humping my leg this instant."

"No," Harry mumbled, still not entirely aware of himself. He just knew that it felt good and he liked his dream and he didn't want any of it to stop. He moved his leg over the body beside him causing Severus to sigh heavily and mutter under his breath.

The next second, Harry found himself jolted away as Severus rolled over on top of him, chuckling quietly at Harry's gasp of surprise. Green eyes blinked open in surprise, looking up at the smirking figure of Severus Snape on top of him, pressing their hips together. Harry moaned, suddenly aware of the feel of Severus's arousal against his own. This was better than when Harry had felt it yesterday, only the thin fabric of their underwear separating them. Severus rocked his hips slowly against Harry's who eagerly bucked back up against him. He moaned quietly at the feel of long fingers running through his hair, then tugging lightly, Severus pulling him forward a bit to meet his lips, kissing him deeply. Instinctively he reached up to grip Severus's shoulders tightly, shifting his hips and legs a bit for a better position to thrust up against Severus. After a few more seconds of their slower pace, though, Harry grew impatient and reached down boldly to grab Severus's hips, pressing his hips up eagerly, moving anxiously against him.

Severus chuckled and complied with the unspoken command, resting his arms on either side of Harry, moving his lips down to trail across his jaw while his hips picked up their pace, rubbing their cocks together at a quicker speed that Harry still couldn't quite be happy with, feeling the constant need for _more_. He wrapped his legs around Severus's hips and used his legs to pull the man along with him. Severus just chuckled and began licking and kissing his neck. "Impatient as ever, Potter," he murmured against his skin.

"Fuck," Harry moaned, fingers tightening on Severus's sides. It was amazing what the sound of that man's voice could do to him, sending pleasurable trembles through his body.

"You can never just stop…and enjoy…anything," Severus whispered, flicking his tongue against Harry's earlobe while Harry continued thrusting erratically against him, chasing his pleasure enthusiastically.

Harry could have told him that he was enjoying it just fine, but all he could do was moan loudly, feeling his pleasure rushing over him quickly, gripping Severus tightly as his orgasm overtook him. He could feel Severus's erection against his leg, moving against him as Harry slumped back against the bed, struggling to catch his breath. He rubbed his hands over his face a moment before looking up at Severus, smiling when he saw the man staring down at him, such a dark and pleasured look in his eyes as he stared down at him, groaning quietly as Harry pressed his leg more firmly between Severus's legs, watching his face in fascination, holding that dark gaze, unwilling to look away. Harry licked his lips, feeling a warm tingling sensation deep within him in response to the look Severus was giving him. Those black eyes flickered away from his, only to watch the movement of his tongue. The moment it slipped back into Harry's mouth, Severus swooped down and kissed him deeply. Only a few seconds later he felt Severus stiffen against him, a quiet, strangled groan leaving his throat.

Severus pulled his lips away as his body relaxed and he looked down at Harry with such a strange look in his eyes, frowning slightly. "You really need to learn how to control your hormones, Potter," he said quietly, rolling over to stretch out on his side beside Harry. Harry rolled over to face him.

"You're the one who pounced on me," he reminded him with a teasing grin.

"After you started humping my leg," Severus replied.

"I was sleeping!" Harry defended himself, face turning a bit red.

"So what _were_ you dreaming about to inspire such molestation?" Severus inquired curiously.

"Nott," Harry replied, trying to bite back his grin. It was impossible when Severus glared dangerously at him. "He was getting all gross again and you came in and cursed him a bit and then fucked me over your desk."

Severus smirked and raised his eyebrow. "Really?"

"It was pretty hot," Harry confessed with a shrug. "I couldn't help myself."

"You could have," Severus told him. "But, as I said, control is something you will have to learn."

"Why on the earth would you want me to control myself?" Harry asked with a grin.

"I have better things to do than being jumped by a teenager at all hours of the day," Severus replied with a snort.

"Well," Harry said, "that's no fun."

"I assure you, Potter, I've survived well enough in life without dealing with sex-obsessed teenagers and their hormones," Severus said with a smirk.

"I think you've been missing out," Harry told him, snuggling closer to him.

"Of course you would," Severus said, pressing his lips to Harry's forehead before sitting up. "Speaking of your uncontrollable hormones…I believe we could both do with a shower."

"Together?" Harry asked with a grin.

Severus only quirked an eyebrow and slipped out of bed, Harry eagerly running after him.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The pair enjoyed a nice, long, hot shower together. Harry had never enjoyed a shower more…He really got a good chance to explore Severus's nude body, running his hands over his wet skin. He explored every scar, every mole, every inch of his pale skin. Severus seemed just as happy to return the favor and it felt nice…There was nothing overly sexual about their exploring, only taking joy in studying one another. Harry, perhaps, had a bit too much fun fondling Severus's flaccid cock, enjoying the feel of the soft member in his hand. Severus tried to bat his hand away a few times, and Harry could tell he felt a bit awkward with it, but he couldn't help himself and Severus eventually gave up trying to stop him. They spent a good bit of extra time kissing, Harry's back pressed against the shower wall, water falling over them and between them as they kissed languidly. There was something very enjoyable about the slow pace and with no raging need spurring them on, Harry felt he could better appreciate every touch to and from his lover.

Eventually, Severus reluctantly suggested they get out and head to breakfast. Harry didn't want to get out, but Severus magically turned their warm water icy cold and Harry quickly jumped out of the shower shivering. Severus was dressed and out the door within minutes, probably to avoid temptation to remain in the rooms all day and Harry eventually accepted the fact that he at least needed to be seen and he very well knew he couldn't handle being locked away in the dungeons all holiday.

Everyone was already leaving when Harry went downstairs and Harry was stopped several times to say goodbye to his classmates before making it into the strangely empty Great Hall. Most of the teachers were present, but only a handful of students. Only Hermione and two second years sat at the Gryffindor table…There was only one girl from Huffelpuff staying, and she was sitting at the Ravenclaw table with the group of five that remained from that House. There were a bit more Slytherins, though most of them were younger and the only one Harry recognized was Draco. Draco sat with his back to him and Harry was tempted to go talk to him, but he figured he needed to see Hermione more than anything. She didn't seem too upset as Harry approached, but that didn't always mean anything.

His good mood from last night and this morning's activities were overruled by anxiousness as he drew closer to Hermione, not really sure what to expect. He sat down cautiously beside her, not taking it as a good sign when she didn't immediately look up to greet him.

"Morning, Mione," Harry said casually.

"Oh, good morning, Harry," Hermione said, her voice a bit too enthusiastic and high pitched.

"Sorry for leaving last night…Nott was on my back and…yeah," Harry explained uncomfortably.

"Oh, that's fine," Hermione said, poking at her eggs.

When she didn't say anything for another few minutes, Harry shifted uncomfortably and cleared his throat. "So…uh…how was last night?"

"It was fine!" Hermione said, taking a long drink of her pumpkin juice.

"Hermione, what happened?" Harry asked.

"Nothing. Just…enjoyed the party," Hermione said.

Harry sighed. "I saw him kiss you."

Her fake smile faded and Hermione looked very pale for a moment before shaking her head. "There was a mistletoe," she said stiffly.

Harry sighed and looked around, not sure what to do now. He picked up a sausage and nibbled on it, figuring he'd drop it for now. Hermione seemed to be handling it well enough and she would talk to him if she really wanted to.

"He said there was a mistletoe and so he kissed me," Hermione said after a few minutes. She cleared her throat before continuing. "He told me he missed me and that…he had feelings for me."

"He did?"

"Mhm," Hermione said, not moving her eyes from her plate of food.

"And…do you still have feelings for him?" Harry asked.

"I…don't know, actually," Hermione replied. Harry nodded his head, not entirely sure what to say to her. "Ron asked me out around Christmastime last year, you know," she said quietly, voice a bit shaky.

"Oh…yeah…" Harry said, looking away when he noticed the tears in her eyes. All remnants of this morning's good mood were gone now and Harry swallowed hard, suddenly overcome by that sadness and that strong feeling that something was missing…Ron's absence once again very noticeable between them both.

Hermione cleared her throat again and sat up a bit straighter. "So…Did you stay with him last night? Neville said you weren't in the dorms when he woke up."

"Uh, yeah…I did," Harry admitted.

"So…What happened?" she asked, plastering another excited smile on her face, pleading in her brown eyes that told him she was eager to think about anything else.

"I'd like to know that, too, actually."

Hermione's eyes grew wide and Harry turned to see that Draco had appeared behind them. He stood more awkwardly than Harry could remember seeing him, as thought not entirely certain he should even be near them. He stood as tall and dignified as ever, though, forcing confidence and strength in the same manner Hermione seemed to be doing.

"Well…Why don't we go take a walk, then? And Harry can tell us there…Away from eavesdroppers," she suggested in a strained tone.

Harry and Draco both looked surprised and Hermione ignored it, reluctantly standing up. Harry followed suit and walked in between them both out of the Great Hall. The silence was tense as they walked out onto the grounds, heading out to the tree they had sat under many times when they were all still friends. They both managed to sit as far away from each other as possible without it seeming too weird and the moment they sat, both Hermione and Draco pestered him eagerly for details.

He started from the moment Nott started his unwanted attentions to his and Severus's shower that morning, even going so far as to include his dream (though only after being bugged to no end by Draco about it). It was a bit uncomfortable talking about such personal details, especially considering it was his first real sexual experience with anyone. It was easy to get caught up in the memories, though, and he found those moments of getting lost in his descriptions that were the most embarrassing. Hermione and Draco were eager, though, to hear all about it.

"Damn Dumbledore," Draco had said about being interrupted the night before. "It's like he just knows, isn't it? He was probably watching so he'd know the perfect moment to frustrate you both."

"That's disgusting," Harry had said, the very thought of Dumbledore _watching_ the sexual activities of his students more disturbing than anything he could think of.

"Oh wow," Hermione had said, giggling and blushing when Harry described the events of that morning.

"That's really hot, considering you're both men," Draco had said with a sly grin.

"So do you think you'll do anything…_more_?" Hermione asked when Harry finished, still blushing.

"I don't know if that's the only time he'll touch me, but…I don't know if he'd be willing to go further than we have already. He seemed kind of weird after we did it, like he couldn't believe he had just done it," Harry explained.

"You'll just have to convince him, Potter," Draco said. "My godfather needs to get laid, you know. Maybe we'll wrap you up completely naked and leave you in his bed as his Christmas present."

"I don't' want to see Harry naked," Hermione giggled. "No offense."

"I don't want anyone to see me naked," Harry agreed. "Anyone but Severus, that is."

"Good. I don't think he'd like it very much otherwise," Draco said. "So, how big is Severus, anyway?"

"Sorry?" Harry asked, though he was afraid he had a pretty good idea of what Draco meant.

"His dick," Draco said.

"Draco, that's your godfather!" Hermione exclaimed, eyes wide. Sickeningly enough, she looked curious, as well.

"So?" Draco said. "Well, what is it, Potter?"

"I didn't exactly measure it," Harry muttered.

"You should have," Draco grinned. "Is he big?"

"I don't know. Big enough, I guess…I haven't exactly seen a lot of cocks to know what big is," Harry said, horrified by how hot his face and neck felt. "I thought you said you _weren't_ gay."

"I'm not," Draco assured him. "I'm naturally a curious being."

"Naturally a pervert," Harry said.

"Yes, well," Draco said with a grin. "Did it at least _seem _big to you?"

"Erm…Yeah…I s'pose," Harry replied.

"Bigger than yours?"

"Shut up, Draco."

Draco grinned, seemingly enjoying making Harry and Hermione uncomfortable. "We're all friends here. Surely we can feel comfortable enough talking about sex."

"You talk about your sex life then," Harry mumbled.

"Ah, I haven't had a _real_ sex life in a while," Draco said with a frown. "I'm normally too busy wanking thinking about Granger over here. No other girls compare to what I imagine your naked body to look like."

Harry's eyes grew wide and he gaped at his best friend. Had he _really_ just said that? There was a wicked gleam in his gray eyes to match his mischievous smirk, but Harry could tell by his posture and the way he wiped his sweaty palms on his thighs that he wasn't as confident and relaxed as he was trying to pretend to be. He watched Hermione a bit too closely as she stared wide eyed at him, laughing nervously.

"You are _disgusting_!" Hermione exclaimed, voice high and sounding panicked and offended and disgusted, and even a bit pleased, Harry thought. He wasn't sure how she was really feeling and honestly he wasn't surprised if she was feeling everything in the world.

"I was trying to pay you a compliment," Draco assured her. "I figured saying 'Hermione's the only one I want' sounded a bit too corny and romantic, so I opted for sounding like a jerk-off instead. Appeases the masculinity a bit more."

He was _really_ being forward, wasn't he? Harry had to wonder if Hermione had confessed to Draco her own feelings last night. He wasn't sure why else Draco would be so…blunt about things. Harry glanced from Draco up to Hermione's stunned face.

"I…Well…" Hermione said, seeming flustered. "That is not a really proper way to speak to a person. Besides, there's no one around here for you to impress by being a prat."

"True," Draco said, sounding calm, though the pink in his cheeks betrayed him. "Very well. I have a hard time shagging other girls because the only girl I want to shag is you, Hermione."

Hermione glared at him and Draco laughed, reddening further. "Well, as much as I wouldn't mind shagging you…I do like you, Hermione. There, I said it."

"Well," Hermione said, looking as though she was having quite the struggle as she scrambled up to her feet.

"Well?" Draco pressed.

"Well! You should work on how you speak to women if you want me so badly," Hermione said, spinning around and marching off.

Harry watched her until she was a tiny speck in the distance before turning to face Draco. "What the bloody hell was that?"

"Desperation, my friend. That was desperation," Draco sighed, letting his head hit the tree trunk behind him hard.

Harry thought stupid was a better word, but decided not to push it.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

While Harry spent time with his friends, Severus returned to his rooms from breakfast to quite the surprise. Dobby the house elf was standing on top of his bookshelf, hanging Christmas decorations. Severus stood frozen in the doorway, staring wide eyed at his rooms. The ceilings held more than enough mistletoe for Severus to feel comfortable and hastily found a spot on the floor that didn't have him standing under the stuff. Green, red, silver, and gold streamers and tinsel hung on the walls and from the ceiling. Colorful Christmas lights hung all along the edge of the walls, close to the ceiling and close to the floor and all around the doorframes. A Christmas wreath hung on his bedroom door. Worst of all there was a _Christmas tree_ standing by his fireplace, standing so tall that the tip was bent and pressed against the ceiling. A star somehow managed to cling to the tip and the whole thing was glittering with ornaments and more lights and tinsel and candy canes.

"What the bloody hell is this?" Severus growled.

Dobby the house elf jumped around and fell right off of the bookcase, though he stood up easily after landing. "Dobby is decorating for Christmas!"

"Why…on earth…are you decorating _my_ rooms?" Severus demanded.

"Because Harry Potter is staying here, sir! And Dobby wants to make Christmas perfect for Harry Potter!" Dobby announced.

Despite his urge to strangle the creature in front of him, Severus stood entirely frozen, gawking at the gaudy decorations. For Harry. Doubtless the brat would enjoy this. He was a sentimental fool who would want to celebrate Christmas, of course, and would probably love this silly set up. That alone was the reason Severus refrained from slaughtering the creature that Severus knew Harry to be on friendly terms with. Severus swallowed hard and glared in disgust at the room. "It's a bit much," he said simply.

"Dobby still has another two boxes of decorations!" Dobby exclaimed his wide eyes growing even wider.

Severus just stared at him, many insults easily on the tip of his tongue. He struggled for a moment with the idea of playing nice before finally managing something civil. "I am certain that Potter will appreciate the hard work and foolish gestures, but I will not live in this ridiculously festive hellhole," he said stiffly. "You may leave some of it, but take down at least half of this…_junk_." The house elf looked miffed so Severus quickly added, "I think Harry would like it much better."

"Dobby shall fix it, then!" the house elf said merrily and Severus sat in his chair, watching closely as the elf took down some of the decorations, mostly needed guidance from Severus until the room was acceptable. Only three spots in the room had mistletoe now and the lights remained on the walls and the tree still stood (though a shrinking charm made it a reasonable height). Only a few of the Slytherin and Gryffindor colored streamers hung on the ceiling and the place actually looked somewhat decent. Still a bit too festive in Severus's mind, but not as bad as it had been. Dobby looked like he had intended every inch of every room to be covered in something.

"Dobby is thinking Harry Potter will like his surprise!" Dobby said happily.

"I am sure he will," Severus said dully.

"Is there anything else Harry Potter might like?" Dobby asked hopefully.

Severus sighed heavily.

Ten minutes later, every inch of the coffee table was covered. Trays and bowls of various snacks stood there with a few bottles of butterbeer, wine, and firewhiskey in the middle. Severus had a mug of coffee in his hands, eying Dobby until he finally finished setting it up before grinning and bidding goodbye before disappearing. Taking a sip of the bitter coffee, he picked up his book and picked up where he left off, deciding to ignore the eyesores that covered his home and focus instead on his story while he had some peace and quiet.

When Harry arrived two hours later, the drinks and ice cream were still cold and the pies still warm due to various charms Severus had thought to put on them. Almost immediately he felt very uncomfortable as Harry stopped and looked around the place. He did want Harry to be happy, but doing nice deeds for others was still such a foreign concept to him and it was hard to look into the boy's face, almost as afraid of his excitement as he was the idea of disappointment and rejection.

"Whoa," Harry said. "Erm…Severus?"

"Yes?" he asked, without tearing his eyes away from his book.

"Um…I don't know how to tell you this. But there are Christmas decorations…everywhere," Harry said.

"I assure you, Potter, that I am not blind," Severus said, still not putting down his book, though he could hardly pay attention to the words anymore.

"Oh," said Harry. "Well…It um…Looks nice in here."

"Hmm," Severus said, despising how _nervous_ he felt.

Harry walked over and sat on the couch, the end closest to where Severus sat on his chair. Severus did his best to acknowledge nothing, though the awkwardness was palpable. Harry kept shifting nervously where he sat, seeming unable to find a comfortable position. After several long, torturous minutes, he spoke. "So…uh…Did Dobby do this?"

"You didn't put him up to it, did you?" Severus asked, wondering how Harry had known. Then again, Severus wasn't sure who else would be that goddamn stupid.

"No!" Harry said quickly. "Only…I-"

"It looks a lot better than it did. He looked ready to cover every bit of the space with something. I had him fix it up to make it look decent," Severus said.

"Oh," Harry said, sounding surprised. "Oh…um…well…"

"Do shut up, Potter," Severus grumbled, wishing he _had_ strangled Dobby and removed every last inch of 'Christmas cheer' from the room. He couldn't help feeling a bit embarrassed by the whole ordeal.

Harry stood up and walked over to him, pulling down his book and leaning in to kiss Severus deeply. "Mistletoe. I couldn't resist," Harry explained with a sheepish grin, glancing upwards. Severus could have sworn there wasn't anything over his chair…Unless the brat had used magic to move it himself. Severus didn't mind so much and instead watched Harry as he plopped back down on the couch and reached over onto the table to grab a cookie. "So…Are there going to be any Christmas carols?"

"Don't push it."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **Not my favorite chapter lol but it needed to be done. Next chapter should be better! Super big thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter: slytherinfighter2011, xXxElectraxXx, unreadmind, aliengirlguy, and Vaettr. I figured everyone would enjoy that one lol!

To slytherinfighter2011: I'm glad you liked it so much! I'm super happy to hear that my writing can do that for people. I know what you mean, though…It's so hard to find good fanfics and I have reread a few of my favorite ones many, many times lol. I'm honored that this story is good enough to probably be reread!

To xXxElectraxXx: As I've said before, jealous Sev is the best! He's definitely going to need to make a few more appearances at some point lol. Glad to make you smile, though!

To unreadmind: I like to think Draco used a bit of magic to make sure he had a reason to approach her hehehe.

To aliengirlguy: You'll just have to keep reading to find out lol. Can't go around spoiling things, can I? ;)

To Vaettr: Sorry to disappoint with Ron lol. I'm glad you're liking the story, though!

Please review!

Chapter title lyrics from "The Ballad of Mona Lisa" by Panic! At the Disco.


	46. Compared to Your Eyes Nothing Shines Qui

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Compared To Your Eyes Nothing Shines Quite as Bright_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The next few days passed by slowly, but Harry was enjoying himself during this break. Every morning he woke up in Severus's arms, either to find the man staring at him lovingly or lost in one of his books. Despite the fun they had engaged in on the first day of the holidays, Severus was rather reluctant to touch Harry much more other than holding him and didn't dare kiss him too long, fearing things might go too far. Harry knew that Severus was hesitant to take the next step in their relationship, though Harry himself was eager to have sex. He wasn't going to push it, though, and honestly didn't even know how to broach the subject. Severus would only dance around the topic and probably wouldn't give him much of a straight answer, anyway. It wasn't all bad, just cuddling with the man or talking to him. He enjoyed their light banter over the silliest, smallest subjects or the teasing he had grown to appreciate.

Harry didn't stay holed up in the dungeons, though. Severus had grading to do or reading he enjoyed and Harry did want to spend time with his friends. He flew around on the pitch a bit with Draco and walked the grounds with Hermione. Draco seemed a bit embarrassed about everything he had done and Hermione seemed annoyed with him still, but somehow that mistake had reunited them in some way. They weren't close, still, but for a little bit at a time, Harry could hang out with them both, usually to satisfy their curiosity about his relationship with Severus and he could catch up on what was going on with them, though it honestly wasn't much. Hermione would prattle on about interesting facts she recently learned or would rant about house elf treatment and her plans to make a better case to Slughorn about elf rights. Draco would rant about how, as much as he loved her mother, she wrote him far too much and was starting to get on his nerves and his father was still trying to guilt him into coming home. The way he talked about his father made Harry wonder if he had said anything to Hermione about his past…No one ever came out and said anything, but it was the way they spoke and the way they looked whenever the subject was brought up that made Harry wonder.

While their moments together were tense and awkward, Harry was at least glad that there was promise that he might be able to be around both of his best friends again. Things seemed to be progressing much better on Christmas Eve. Draco dared to come sit with them during breakfast and Hermione didn't object and didn't rush off early. After breakfast Hermione sat in the stands and watched Harry and Draco fly around. When they got tired they joined her and just enjoyed hanging out and talking for a bit before lunch. Per usual, Draco couldn't keep off of the subject of sex for too long.

"…I'm just saying…charm a mistletoe to float over his dick while he's sleeping and he can't stop you from doing naughty things to him. And I promise, a guy will be putty in your hands when his cock's in your mouth. I've done some pretty stupid things for girls giving me head before," Draco was saying and Hermione couldn't seem to decide if she was offended or amused by all of the sex talk.

"I do not understand why you're so interested in my sex life," Harry said with a grin, shaking his head.

"I'm interested in everyone's sex lives," Draco insisted. "And since I no longer have one of my own, I have to live vicariously through you…Only I'm not gay, but you're pretty much my only shot at the moment."

"You are sick," Harry said, shaking his head.

"Perversion is not always a bad thing," Draco said, scoffing. "What else are we going to talk about, anyway?"

"There are plenty of things other than sex," Hermione said.

"Not school related?" Draco asked.

"Of course," Hermione said, looking offended.

Draco shrugged. "Just making sure."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "We could talk about what Harry's getting Snape for Christmas or what we could do during our next Hogsmeade trip…We could discuss politics or the latest news in the _Daily Prophet_ or…Well, Quidditch always seems like a popular topic. Or-"

"Okay, okay, plenty to talk about," Draco admitted. "But something fun!"

"I'm sure something that is not my sex life could be fun to talk about," Harry said laughing.

"We had a very nice discussion about house elf rights just outside," Hermione pointed out.

"We listened to you rant and found it amusing the sorts of things you were going to do to make people listen," Draco pointed out.

"Well fine then," Hermione sniffed. "I still stand by my point that there is more to being a teenager than sex. And _school_ is not an _entirely_ dull topic of conversation, Draco Malfoy."

"Yes, well, since we're not in class I'd like to forget they even exist for now," Draco shrugged.

"See? We're having fun right now…Not talking about sex," Harry joked.

"Very good, Harry," Hermione said with a smile.

Draco muttered under his breath but didn't object. By the end of lunch they had dared Draco to not talk about sex or masturbate for twenty four hours. Hermione even cast a rather complicated spell to make sure they would be alerted if Draco broke any of the conditions when he was not in their presence. Despite his preoccupation with sex, Draco had a determination in his eyes that told Harry it was not going to be an easily won bet. Especially since Hermione promised neither of them would intentionally tempt him into breaking his own rules.

"…and if you win, we'll talk about nothing but sex the rest of our time together. But if _we_ win, we are next talking about sex ever again," Harry said as Hermione completed the spells.

"What?" Draco exclaimed, eyes growing wide.

Harry laughed and Hermione rolled her eyes. Draco glared at him. "Sorry, it was funny," Harry said.

"To you," Draco muttered. "Hey, what _will_ I get if I win?"

"The satisfaction of proving us wrong," Hermione told him.

"Well, that's no fun," Draco said with a frown.

"I'll measure Severus's penis and tell you how big it is if you win," Harry said with a grin, causing Hermione and Draco to laugh. Harry wasn't really sure if Draco took it seriously or not, though he was sort of hoping it was the latter.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

After lunch, Harry returned to Severus's rooms. He was a bit surprised to find that Severus was laying on the couch, fast asleep. His shoes were by the door and his robes were draped over the back of the couch. One hand was resting on his chest while one arm draped off of the couch, his recent reading material on the floor. Harry hardly ever saw the man sleep, let alone take a nap. Harry was normally the first one asleep and the last one to wake up. Maybe he had taken a sleeping potion or something, Harry thought as he quietly closed the door. He toed out of his own shoes and dropped them by Severus's by the door and shrugged out of his jacket, tossing it onto the chair. He supposed he could go back out to find Hermione or Draco to have something to do.

Instead, he walked over to the couch and picked up Severus's book (_The Last Road_ by Audra White) and straightened the pages that had been bent with a frown. Severus wasn't going to like that. He set the book onto the coffee table, cover-down, hoping the weight of the other pages on top of it would straighten the others one out the best they could. He sat on his knees by the couch and took Severus's arm and placed it back onto the man's body, though he didn't move his hand from Severus's when he was done. He gave the hand a small squeeze and shifted around a bit to find a somewhat comfortable position.

Severus liked to watch Harry sleep. Even before this holiday, when Harry would take naps on the couch, he would often wake to find Severus watching him. If he wasn't reading, he was watching Harry. Harry wasn't sure what was so interesting about a sleeping person, but for a few minutes he thought he could see the appeal. He liked looking at Severus and now he looked so peaceful and relaxed, more so than he usually looked. The man did a lot in his life, held a lot of responsibility…He looked normally older than his thirty six years, years of pain and duty stealing the youth he barely even had. He deserved a good bit of sleep, Harry thought, reaching out to gently trace his fingers along Severus's face.

His knees were sore before too long and he felt a bit restless, so he stood up and took a quick shower, since he had been flying around outside earlier that morning. When he was done, he walked back into the living room, finding Severus still asleep on the couch. He didn't want to disturb Severus, but found himself moving forward anyway, carefully crawling onto the couch with him, snuggling close to his lover. He spent a few minutes with his hands over Severus's chest, his chin resting on top of his hands, watching Severus's face while he slept. He shifted around after that, resting his head on Severus's chest, listening to the man's heartbeat while he played with the buttons on Severus's shirt and ended up unbuttoning it after a while, finding he liked resting against Severus's bare skin much better. When the last button was done he pushed open the shirt and wrapped his arms around Severus and rested his face against the warm flesh, listening to his heartbeat again while he went to watching the flames in the fireplace dance around.

Harry wasn't sure when he fell asleep…He hadn't even really been aware of being at all tired. He didn't even think he dreamed at all. He was only aware that, all of a sudden, he was waking up. He was still holding Severus close, resting against his chest, only now the man had one arm wrapped around his waist while fingers stroked through his hair, dropping down to trace gently over his scar before combing through his thick locks again. He didn't open his eyes for a few minutes, just enjoying the warmth and comfort of his position a while longer.

"Is there any reason you felt the need to undo my shirt?" Severus asked quietly after a while, trailing his fingers out of Harry's hair, dragging the tip of his index finger down the back of Harry's neck, causing him to shiver.

"Hmm," Harry said, wondering how Severus knew he was awake, though not entirely surprised. He turned his head a bit to kiss the flesh beneath him before answering. "I like you better without it."

Severus snorted, beginning to trail his fingers slowly up and down Harry's spine. Harry sighed in content and made no move to leave. He didn't dare move much of his body at all, for fear of discouraging Severus from continuing to touch him this way. He found himself enjoying the gentle thumping of Severus's heart, the sound of it, swearing he could almost feel it moving beneath him. Severus Snape had a heart, he thought with a smile. And it was his. How strange, how heartless Harry had thought him to be just a few years ago…And how impossible something like this had seemed to him just last year, a dream that never had a hope of coming true.

"What are you so happy about?" Severus whispered, apparently feeling the curve of Harry's mouth against his skin.

"You," Harry told him. "You make me happy."

Severus's fingers paused for a moment, but resumed their movement seconds later. He didn't say anything and Harry was glad for it. Severus always seemed to get awkward when he or Harry did or said anything so…_sweet_. Like he didn't know how to handle such a situation and like he hardly believed it when he was the one doing it. He would either make a joke of it or say nothing at all and in this, Harry preferred the silence. He smiled a bit more, though, when after a minute Severus leaned down to kiss the top of his head.

Harry wanted to say something…To talk about his day or to ask Severus about his or even to tease him about having never seen him sleep before. His mouth never opened, though, unwilling to disturb this peace that had settled over them. He was enjoying this feeling far too much. He didn't want to move, didn't want to talk, didn't want to do anything but to stay right here and didn't want it to end anytime soon…or ever, really.

Severus drooped his hands lower, pressing his fingers under the hem of Harry's shirt and pushing upwards, his fingers now moving over Harry's bare skin. Harry made a quiet, pleased sound in his throat, kissing Severus's chest again. His other arm moved up to begin playing with Harry's hair again and everything felt so good and warm he thought he might fall asleep again. Those touches were so gentle, so slow and caring, it seemed strange that they were being given by Severus. While he still struggled with comfort in expressing his feelings through words and gestures, he did a perfect job of displaying his feelings through every look and touch he gave. Harry didn't need to hear him say it and didn't need him to do anything but this…Because through this, Harry _knew_…He knew without a doubt that Severus loved him just as much as Harry loved him.

Harry shifted slightly and moved his head to rest his chin on Severus's chest, looking up at the man's face. His face looked just as relaxed and peaceful as it had while he was sleeping, looking a good few years younger. Harry examined his face for a while before finally meeting those dark eyes that never left him. Black pools that seemed to suck him in and before Harry really knew what he was doing, he moved again, pressing himself up Severus's body a bit more so that he could kiss the man.

Their lips moved slowly and softly against one another's in a sweet manner that didn't stir lust so much as warming their bodies, creating fluttering hearts and pleasant tingles. Severus's hands continued working down his back and through his hair as they kissed. Harry pulled his arms out from around Severus and rested one instead on Severus's bare chest while the other arm he moved up, pressing his body up a bit more into a more suitable position, and behind Severus's neck. Harry found himself lost in their kisses while his hand moved on it's own accord, tracing down Severus's jaw and down his neck, along his collarbone and along the muscles and scars on his chest, back up to his shoulder and down his arm, touching everywhere he could reach gently, lovingly.

Harry was left breathless when Severus pulled away, not noticing anything was wrong at first. It wasn't until Severus carefully moved him to the couch while Severus slipped out from under him that Harry realized the pained and disturbed look crossing his lover's face and the way he rubbed at his forearm a few seconds before hastily buttoning up his shirt.

"He's summoning you," Harry said quietly.

"Don't wait up, Potter. Be here when I get back," Severus instructed, moving quickly over to the door to put on his shoes and ripping his robe from the back of the couch and putting it on.

Harry sat on the couch, watching him, biting the inside of his mouth hard. He wanted to make him stay. Beg him to stay. Blackmail him into staying. Anything to keep him from going. Harry hated it every time that he went and he hated it more and more every time it happened. Severus was Voldemort's favorite. Draco told him that one day. But that didn't always mean something. Nothing really had any meaning when it came to evil such as Voldemort. He could be favored one day and dead the next.

When Severus opened the door to step out, Harry wanted to tell him he loved him, but found that he couldn't and he sat silently as the door closed.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"He really had a very good taste in books."

An hour later found Harry sitting in the same spot, only now in the company of his two best friends. He wasn't sure Severus would be happy he had let Hermione into his private chambers, as both Draco and Hermione had pointed out on the way here, but Harry didn't care much at the moment. He needed them and needed to get his mind off of things. Draco immediately grabbed the deck of cards from Severus's bedside table and brought them out to teach Harry how to play a Slytherin game called Salazar's Seven. Hermione, meanwhile, introduced herself to the bookshelf against the wall.

"You mean to tell me you read something other than text books?" Draco asked teasingly as he dealt out the cards after explaining the rules.

Hermione shot him a glare and pulled one book from the shelf and looking through it. "I'll have to write down some of these titles…They look really good."

"If only you weren't a Gryffindor, you'd both get along famously," Draco said with a laugh.

"He gets along with me just fine," Harry pointed out with a grin.

"Yes, well, he w-" Draco began, but stopped and frowned, looking thoughtful for a minute. Harry figured he had been about to say something sexual before remembering their bet. "He…Well, you're the Chosen One," Draco finally said. Harry and Hermione exchanged a knowing look and laughed. Draco glared at them. "Shut up."

"Well if he expects to be with me," Harry continued, "in the future, he'll have to be around my friends eventually and give them a shot. They'll be the best of friends after that."

Hermione laughed. "Somehow, I doubt that."

"Well you're not a complete moron, Hermione, so it's not entirely impossible," Draco said. "We should try playing Salazar's Sinister Seven after this."

"That doesn't sound safe," Harry said, raising his eyebrow at the word _sinister_.

"You play _that_ with Exploding Snap cards," Draco said with a grin.

"Okay, definitely not safe," Harry said. "Thanks for the warning."

"It can get pretty ugly," Draco agreed.

"So what were you doing before you were interrupted?" Hermione asked, taking one of the books and bringing it over to the couch to sit beside Harry.

"Nothing much, really," Harry said. "He was napping when I got in," Harry said, shaking his head. "So I joined him…Then we just kind of laid there when I woke up…Snogged a bit right before he got the summons."

"Does he not usually nap?" Hermione asked, raising her eyebrow, apparently noticing something in Harry's face when he said it.

"No, not really. At least not that I've seen," Harry explained.

"Hmm," Hermione said. "Well…It sounds very sweet."

Harry didn't understand how she got _sweet_ out of what he said. He hadn't exactly gone into detail about anything…There wasn't much to give only how he felt about it and how tenderly Severus was touching him and kissing him. He felt a bit strange, thinking it a bit too personal to really say. Even more personal than most of the things Harry did tell them.

"So. You got him to let you decorate?" Draco commented, eying the Christmas decorations.

"He let _Dobby_ decorate," Harry corrected him. Draco raised an eyebrow. "Dobby apparently came in wanting to make it look nice for me and Severus had him fix it up into something _appropriate_ but yeah…He let him keep some of it up."

"He must really like you then," Draco laughed.

"I should hope so," Harry said grinning.

After two rounds of Salazar's seven, one with Draco and Harry and the next with Draco teaching it to Hermione, the trio went to dinner, but Harry didn't feel very hungry. They returned to the chambers as soon as possible, but Severus still wasn't back. Hermione continued reading one of Severus's books, another by Audra White, _Misery's Keeper_, while Draco tried to talk Harry into a game of Salazar's Sinister Seven.

"What do you want to do then?" Draco asked impatiently when Harry turned down his other ideas. "Something to lift your holiday spirit or something? We can sing Christmas carols or something…Roast marshmallows in the fireplace…Something else weirdly Gryffindor."

"I have never seen anyone roast marshmallows in a fireplace," Hermione snorted. "And I also haven't seen any Gryffindors running around caroling."

"What would I know about what Gryffindors do anyway?" Draco grumbled. "What _do_ Gryffindors do?"

"We turn Slytherins into ferrets," Hermione said with a smile.

Draco glared at her. "Fine, we'll play Slytherin games then."

Hermione glanced up from the book and finally noticed how Harry's mood had diminished. She frowned and glanced worriedly at Draco. The more time that passed the more worried Harry became and the harder it was to distract him. He couldn't feel anything from Voldemort…Couldn't see anything…And he would admit, he was trying to see something. He needed to know what was going on, even if Severus was pissed at him for doing something like that.

"Roasting marshmallows doesn't sound too bad," Hermione said.

"We can order some snacks, then…You can pay the elves in all the hats you want, but I'm still using them," Draco said. "Dobby! Harry Potter's sad and needs a Christmas treat!"

Only a minute later Dobby appeared with a tray of food…Treacle tarts and butterbeer and sugar cookies.

"Is there anything else Dobby can help Harry Potter with?" Dobby asked eagerly.

"No, thank you, Dobby, this will be fine," Hermione said with a smile. "Would you like my scarf, Dobby?"

Draco sighed heavily and rolled his eyes and it caught Harry's attention enough for him to laugh. Dobby grinned broadly and thanked Hermione profusely as she draped her purple scarf around him. "You are too kind, Hermione Granger! Very kind witch!"

"Crazy," Draco muttered under his breath, though Harry didn't know if he was referring to Hermione or Dobby or both of them. "Here, eat, Potter."

Harry reached out to grab a bottle of butterbeer and sipped at it a bit, taking the small plate of treacle tarts Hermione placed in his lap.

"Severus will be fine," Draco said. "Really. He's made it this far…And he's actually _got _something to live for now. He'll be back and he'll be fine, trust me."

"No offense, but how can I? How can anyone trust anything when it comes to Voldemort?" Harry demanded. "He's always going out there, risking his life _every single time _he leaves. Every time he goes to him there's a chance he might not come back. He's in the presence of a sadistic, evil bastard. Anything could happen."

"Nothing too bad," Draco said. "He needs Severus too much. Severus is very valuable to him, not only as a spy, but Severus has very important skills. He's one of the most talented wizards among the Death Eaters. The Dark Lord wouldn't get rid of him that easily."

"Draco's right, Harry," Hermione said reassuringly, scooting closer and linking her arm through his. "He'll be fine. Try not to worry, okay? You've got us."

The three ate their snacks and Draco agreed to let Harry and Hermione teach him Muggle Christmas carols. Harry tried to focus on them and the different card games Draco decided he wanted to play, but it was hard to get rid of his nerves entirely. After a few hours, Hermione fell asleep on the couch and Harry figured it was time to let them go.

"You can wake her up and go on to bed," Harry said. "I'll be fine."

"You sure?" Draco asked. "This isn't because I brought out the Exploding Snap cards, is it?"

"No," Harry laughed. "It'll be fine and I don't think Severus will want to deal with company when he gets back."

"Probably right about that," Draco said. He got up and walked over to Hermione and instead of waking her up, leaned down to pick her up into his arms. Harry raised his eyebrow and Draco suddenly looked sheepish. "I'll wake her up when I get up there, but…I'll let her sleep as long as she can. She might be too tired to walk upstairs, anyway."

"Right," Harry said with a smile, watching Draco carry Hermione off.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Like with his nap earlier, Harry wasn't really aware of going to sleep or dreaming or anything, only of suddenly waking up. The door opened and closed and Harry shot up on the couch, his brain taking a moment to fully wake up while he blinked confusedly around the room. "You could have gone to bed, you know," Severus said quietly, walking over to him, reaching down to help him up.

"I wasn't even trying to go to sleep," Harry admitted. "Just sort of happened."

Severus chuckled and kissed his forehead. "It's 12:03. Happy Christmas."

"Happy Christmas," Harry said, stretching a bit. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," Severus assured him. "He was…Happy."

"Uh oh," Harry said, frowning. Voldemort in a good mood meant Severus didn't have to get hurt…But it also more than likely meant something bad for their side.

"The headmaster isn't worried about it, so I'm sure it'll be fine," Severus said. "Let's go to bed."

Harry nodded, though now that he was awake and Severus was here, he wasn't really tired. He followed Severus to the bedroom, closing the door behind him and watching as Severus took off his robes and stripped down to his underwear before going to the drawer to pull out his pajamas.

"I'm not tired," Harry said before Severus could pull open a drawer.

"You were just asleep," Severus said in mild annoyance.

"Are you tired?" Harry asked instead, shifting nervously on his feet. He watched Severus closely as he hesitated by the drawer. He could feel his pulse quicken, palms beginning to sweat as he thought about what he wanted to do.

"No," Severus replied. "What do you want to do, then?"

Harry opened his mouth to speak, but hesitated. He didn't know how to put what he wanted into words. _I want to make love _sounded so girly. _I want to fuck_ sounded a bit vulgar. _I want to have sex with you_ just sounded awkward. Severus opened the drawer and pulled out his pajamas and turned to eye Harry patiently, apparently waiting for some sort of answer before deciding what to wear, since he didn't immediately start pulling on his nightclothes. Harry was glad he didn't.

Swallowing and gathering his courage, Harry quickly pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it to the floor, his fingers then moving to fumble with the zipper and button of his pants before pushing them down and off, keeping his eyes on Severus the entire time.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note:** I liked this chapter hehehe so I hope everyone else does. I mainly like my sweet little snarry moment. I originally hoped to have them talk or something, just to sort of have them communicate and show more about their relationship, but my plans ended up changing as anything said seemed to ruin the affect to me, so I hope everyone else appreciates it to.

A big thanks to my reviewers: unreadmind, xXxElectraxXx, slytherinfighter2011, and vampirexsama!

To unreadmind: I'm glad you found them amusing! I like to offer up some funny moments, since I myself love fanfics where some things just have me laughing out loud…for real. You also bring up a point I was kind of worried about, about Draco being so vulgar, but…It's just who he's become to me lol. I think since he was sexually abused by his father, he's just sort of taken to making light of sexual things to make himself sort of feel better about it. That and he cares about Hermione and became sort of…desperate to make things right with her, he sort of lost it. That's just how I see it, anyway lol.

To xXxElectraxXx: aww shucks J I'm glad you liked it! I didn't feel totally comfortable writing it…It's been so long since I've really written things like that so I'm glad it turned out okay!

To slytherinfighter101: that makes me happy lol! I feel so good knowing that my story can do that to people, because I myself love stories that do that to me. Thank you so much!

To vampirexsama: Well I hope you like the sweet little scene I had for them in this chapter! You may or may not enjoy the next chapter…Depends on how Sev reacts to Harry's desires hehehe. I'm so glad you consider my story the highlight of your day! That makes me so happy and I'm really glad you're enjoying it so much. The only reason I didn't really like the previous chapter was that I was so distracted while writing it and I made some last minute changes to my plans for the story that I don't think it really turned out as well as I had hoped.

I really appreciate everyone who takes the time to review. You guys really make writing worth it, knowing that people are reading and that they are loving the story so much. I love the comments and the suggestions and everything you guys have to offer and I just wanted to show my appreciation for everyone who takes the time to review. I love you guys!

Chapter title lyrics from "Miserable at Best" by Mayday Parade.


	47. That Our Passions May Fuse and Merge

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_That Our Passions May Fuse and Merge_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Severus stared as Harry pulled off his clothes, feeling his mind freeze as he stood awkwardly before Severus. Surely the boy wasn't actually thinking about sex right now? It was late and Severus had returned from a Death Eater meeting. Harry himself had just woken up. His eyes trailed down to the slight bulge in Harry's boxers, showing that he wasn't completely hard and none of that burning lust he had seen before filled those green eyes. There was uncertainty there and desperation, those eyes pleading with him to do this, though Severus hardly understood why.

"I'm afraid you'll have to speak, Potter," Severus said dryly.

Harry cleared his throat and shifted a bit before starting forward. "I…erm…I want…you."

"You want me to what?" Severus asked.

That mouth opened and a small noise escaped as Harry struggled to find the right words to say. Severus waited patiently, hoping the boy would give up and say he wanted to cuddle or play a game or _something_. Anything else. "I…" he began and cleared his throat before trying again. "I want to have sex."

"I do not see why you need me. You are perfectly capable of masturbation, I presume," Severus said coldly, staring hard into his eyes. He didn't think looking at Harry at all was good for his control much, but he didn't think not looking at him would do much good.

Harry made a sound of annoyance. "I want to be with you, Severus."

"You are with me," Severus reminded him.

"Goddamn it," Harry muttered. "I want to have sex _with you_."

"What _is_ it with the teenage preoccupation with sex?" Severus muttered, placing his nightshirt on top of the dresser so that he could pull on his pants. Harry reached forward to grab his wrist, stopping him. Severus glared up at him, but Harry didn't pull away. He glared right back at him.

"Why do you keep avoiding this?" Harry demanded.

"I knew you were too young," Severus muttered. "The youth of this world spend too much time obsessing over sex when they bloody well have their whole lives to enjoy it," he muttered, trying not to cringe as the words left his mouth. That wasn't entirely true…Harry wouldn't have that long to enjoy sex. He reminded himself of his promise to keep Harry happy, but wasn't sure this was something he could do.

"Are you trying to push me away, still? Is that it?" Harry asked.

"Are you daft?" Severus asked. "I'm with you, aren't I? I'm letting you invade my home during this blasted holiday, aren't I?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean. You don't want to get too close. Are you really that scared of being that open with a person? We've been together, sure, but I can see it, Severus. Sometimes…You try to distance yourself from me. Even now…After these past few months. I _notice_ it. And I'm trying to be patient, but goddamn it, this is _hard_. I can't stand when you do this."

The brat wasn't entirely stupid. Severus was a bit surprised by how perceptive he had been. He _was_ right. While Severus had accepted a relationship, spent time with Harry, and everything else he had always tried hard to keep some bit of distance between them, hoping to soften the blow as much as he could. Every time he touched and kissed Harry he could feel something very strong there and knew that doing more would be worse. Severus had never made love to anyone before…Had never been sexually involved with anyone he had true feelings for. Some people said sex was better when love was involved and while Severus wasn't too sure about the accuracy of that statement, he already knew it would bring them closer and would change something between them. And honestly the thought of it terrified him.

"Why is it so bloody important, Potter?" Severus asked.

Harry's eyes dropped to the floor and he looked more uncomfortable than ever. "I just…love you, okay? And…I…I'm attracted to you_…_I…_want_ you," he said, ruffling his hair a bit. He let out a deep breath and forced himself to look up at Severus who watched his discomfort in mild amusement. The boy could hardly talk about sex at all. "Look, this might sound really girly and romantic and stupid but…I want to…to be close to you…like that and…I want to experience that with you. "I love you so much and…tonight…I kept thinking about…Kept worrying that something might happen to you. It's dangerous…Something could easily happen to you…or even to me," Harry said and Severus struggled to keep his expression blank despite the stabbing pain he felt in his heart, "and…I dunno. I just…I really want to be with you…like that…right now. I'm tired of…tired of playing around and tired of you…keeping yourself from me. I want…I want everything. I want to be as close to you as possible right now."

His face was burning red, but his eyes met Severus's bravely, strongly. Despite his struggle with the words, the speech still came off as being very powerful and as the seconds passed, Severus felt his fingers loosen and the pajama bottoms in his hand fall to the floor. He could deny Harry nothing. Not this, that he wanted so badly…something he deserved to have. Severus couldn't keep hiding from this and hiding from Harry. Not when he already set his mind to making the young man happy. No longer at the moment fearing for himself, he reached out to hold Harry's hips, leaning down at the same time to kiss him.

Harry was taken by surprise and just stood there a moment, and Severus just kissed him and pulled the boy closer until Harry finally began kissing him back, his hands reaching out to grasp Severus's sides. He only had so much time with Harry left. He had to spend that time wisely and without worry. Severus was going to make Harry happy…happier than he had ever been in the time he had left and Severus was going to enjoy what time he had with the young man. They both deserved that, at least. Pushing the last of his concerns from his mind, he surrendered himself to the feel of the young man pressed against him, feeling arousal begin to stir at the touch of soft, smooth, warm skin.

Unhurriedly, he moved Harry over to the bed, pushing him gently onto it. Startlingly green eyes looked up at him eagerly and he hastily scooted himself back a bit into the center of the bed and sat there, looking unsure of what to do next. Severus was finding that virginal awkwardness more alluring than amusing at the moment and crawled onto the bed and over Harry, causing the boy to lie down while Severus swooped over him, kissing him more deeply than he had moments ago.

When Severus pulled his lips from Harry's, he moved them to the corner of his mouth and down his cheek, his jaw, and neck while his hands slowly mapped out Harry's body, caressing the sides of his neck before trailing down to trace his shoulders and collarbone and down his chest. The body beneath him was slim and slightly muscular from his years as a Seeker. His skin was smooth, unmarked by scars as Severus's was, feeling only a slight trace of hair tickle his hands. When he reached that flat stomach he slid them over to grasp his sides and pushed himself up a bit, taking a moment to look down at the young man beneath him.

Harry wiggled impatiently, green eyes dark and glazed over in desire. His mouth was parted just barely and the tip of his pink tongue poked out to run across his red lips and Severus's eyes eagerly followed the movement until that tongue slipped back into his mouth. He lifted his head slightly and twisted a bit, shifting more before resting back down again. He looked ready to say something, but leaned back down to trail his tongue across the boy's collarbone, causing him to gasp and moan. He allowed his hands to slip down, pushing underneath the band of his boxers and slowly tugging them down. He pushed as far as he could before sitting up to pull Harry's legs up to remove them completely before setting them back down and shifting back a bit to get a good look at his naked body.

He was fully hard by now and Harry wiggled his hips anxiously, thrusting up into the air and whimpering quietly. Severus smirked, sliding his hands up Harry's legs, keeping a firm grip on him to hold him somewhat still as his hands traveled. He inched his hands closer to Harry's aching erection, but slid both hands right past a the last second and came to grasp the younger man's hips instead.

"Severus…" Harry groaned.

"Patience," Severus whispered, leaning down to press his lips gently to Harry's thigh.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Patience? Harry groaned impatiently and tried to keep his body still, but found it increasingly hard the more Severus touched him. Harry swallowed and looked down his body, watching as Severus leaned down to kiss his inner thigh. The muscles in his leg twitched and his cock followed suit eagerly. Everything Severus was doing felt nice, but it hurt at the same time. He needed him to touch his cock and do _something_. This was just plain torture.

Severus continued kissing him, taking his time with every movement as he kissed the top of his right knee and along his thighs and his hip and even the area so close to his dick, though not near enough for any part of Severus to touch, only a few strands of that black hair brushing over his sensitive organ. Harry's hips jerked involuntarily and Harry moaned. Severus chuckled quietly against his skin and Harry dug his fingers into his own hair, tugging gently. Severus was punishing him. That was the only explanation for any of this, Harry thought to himself.

For a few very long minutes, Severus's hands and mouth worked over his pelvis and his legs, touching everything but his cock. Harry was left twisting and moaning and groaning and every time a pleading word left his mouth, Severus would only whisper for him to be patient yet again. Harry thought he was going crazy…like he might literally lose his mind if Severus didn't touch him soon. Harry couldn't even touch _himself_. The one time he tried Severus moved his hand away and Harry knew better than to try again.

Finally, and seemingly out of no where, Severus suddenly grasped his cock and wrapped his mouth around it. Immediately Harry's hips jerked up into the warm, wet cavern and he cried out mainly out of shock and also out of pleasure. Severus chuckled around his cock, the vibrations creating a brilliant feeling that had his eyes rolling back into his head and he dug his fingers into the blankets and mattress beneath him. "Fucking…bloody…hell!"

Severus slowly pulled his mouth up until his lips were wrapped only around the head and he sucked gently on it while those black eyes trailed up his body to meet his eyes. Harry gasped, his legs and hips jerking a bit and Severus moved one hand from around his cock to press against his hip, holding him steady. His wicked tongue swirled around the head of his cock and Harry thought he very well might die right then and there from pleasure overload. Severus began stroking his cock firmly while he pushed back down, swallowing more of the cock into his mouth, pressing his tongue against the underside of his length. Harry tried to watch. There was something strongly erotic about watching those intense eyes watching him and seeing that mouth and hand working over his dick, but it was hard to keep control of himself enough to continue looking at him. His eyes would flutter shut on their own accord or he would throw his head back as that tongue flicked over a particularly sensitive area.

Harry had no idea how he was going to last. Nothing had ever felt so good as this. He didn't even know pleasure like this existed! He moaned loudly, managing to look down at Severus again as he moved his other hand to hold his thigh while Severus took the entire length of his penis into his mouth. "Oh my God!" Harry cried out, bucking his hips up into that glorious mouth, staring down, transfixed by the sight of Severus's long nose buried in his coarse pubic hair and his dick entirely lost in that wonderful mouth. "Oh God," he groaned, grasping at the bed beneath him for dear life.

Severus's head began bobbing up and down and Harry let out a constant stream of moans that might have never ended. He felt too good and he knew he was going to cum soon. The thought of cumming in Severus's mouth was very appealing, but Harry didn't want to be done just yet. He didn't want Severus to use that as an excuse to stop. As wonderful as this felt and as much as he knew anal penetration was going to hurt, he had said he wanted everything and he meant it.

"S-Severus…I…I'm," Harry began, but found he lost the ability to speak as Severus swirled his tongue around his member. Harry watched as Severus slowly moved his mouth up his cock, releasing the head with a small _pop_. Harry slumped back against the mattress, his heart racing fast in his chest. His cock twitched and he could feel his entire body sitting on edge, dangerously close to his orgasm that never came, because Severus pulled away. He was _so bloody close_. Just one gentle touch and Harry swore he would cum, but as Severus crawled back over him, he was careful to let no part of him touch the throbbing erection and Harry felt like he could cry and scream out in frustration. He was ready to beg Severus to resume what he was doing, but couldn't as Severus's mouth pressed into his. Harry eagerly pushed his hips up, but Severus moved easily to avoid contact.

Harry should have said something, but as Severus's mouth moved to his neck again, he forgot how to speak entirely. Hands moved over his body again, moving back down to his thighs and playing their game again of touching everywhere but where he wanted to be touched the most while Severus bit down gently on his neck, eliciting a quiet hiss of pleasure. Severus's very friendly tongue poked out to swirl all around the area he had bitten before sucking on the area gently and moving along to the inch of skin beneath it, offering a slightly harder bite. Harry gasped quietly at the sharp feeling, though he didn't think it actually hurt.

Hands slid back up his stomach and over his sides, sliding around to push under Harry to wrap around him loosely. As Severus moved his face down more, he leaned his head back instinctively to allow Severus access there. He trailed light kisses along the front of his throat, licking at his Adam's apple before moving down further to nibble and lick along his collarbone. "S-ssssss," Harry hissed, beginning to say his lover's name before finding himself too tongue-tied by pleasure to push out the rest of the name.

Severus moved at an agonizingly slow pace, taking his time to leisurely touch as much of Harry as he could. He spent a few minutes in the one area before drooping his head down a bit more, running his tongue slowly around Harry's nipple. Harry gasped quietly and shivered at the very pleasant feeling. He always thought nipples were such a girl thing…He didn't think _he_ would like it that way. But as Severus wrapped his lips around the hardening nub he found himself moaning in pleasure and moving anxiously beneath him. He could barely even remember how to breathe, completely overwhelmed by every pleasurable sensation that Severus brought to him.

Severus slowly pulled his arms out from under Harry, one hand moving back to his chest for his thumb to gently roll his other nipple around before pinching it gently while his other hand came back to rest on Harry's side. Harry bucked his hips up again eagerly and this time Severus didn't pull away, as enough time had passed for the feeling of an impending orgasm to fade away and he was able to rub his cock against Severus's abdomen. After a few minutes Severus moved his mouth to Harry's other nipple while moving his other hand to begin rubbing and pulling at the other, now wet with Severus's saliva. Harry hissed as Severus's teeth grazed over the nipple, another jolt of pleasure shocking him in response. Everything felt so bloody _wonderful_. Every inch of his body was alive and all too aware of everything Severus did, feeling every touch and hearing every quiet sound.

His pulse was racing and his head felt so dizzy. He could hardly breathe at all and his stomach was jumping and twisting and fluttering so much he almost felt sick. All of those things might have felt bad any other day, but they only enhanced every beautiful sensation now. He felt like he was being submerged under water. The pleasure came in waves and Severus was pulling him deeper and deeper under to a place where everything hit more and more strongly. He would gladly drown in this feeling and could hardly imagine a better way to die.

When Severus was done with his nipples, he trailed his mouth downwards still, pressing licks and kisses along his ribs. When he was done with one side he moved onto the other and continued down afterwards to dip his tongue into Harry's bellybutton. He gasped at the ticklish feeling and settled back down as Severus pressed his lips just beneath it. Severus pressed open mouthed kisses all along this area and Harry could feel that his cock was now pressed against the man's neck. It seemed strange to Harry, when he thought about it later on. He wouldn't want someone's dick pressing into his neck, but Severus paid it no mind as he continued lavishing more kisses along his body while his hands moved to caress his thighs again. The feeling of kisses and licks along this area with Severus's hair trailing over his skin felt slightly ticklish, but the feeling of pleasure overruled it and Harry could only moan and writhe desperately beneath Severus. As good as it all felt, he wanted and needed more. He couldn't handle much more of this, a thought he had been entertaining for at least ten minutes. Every second he felt like he might die if he didn't cum soon, if Severus didn't touch him the way he wanted soon, but he was proven wrong as more seconds passed and he was still very much alive.

Harry gasped at the surprisingly satisfying feeling of Severus biting down into his side, moaning loudly, his body moving more eagerly. Severus swiped his tongue along the area before pressing himself up to his knees. "Turn around," Severus said, his voice low and husky.

The words didn't make any sense to Harry's muddled mind, but the feel of Severus's hands on his hips, moving him, spurred him to action and he followed the guidance of the hands, up onto his knees while the upper half of his body lay stretched out on the mattress. Harry turned at the sound of a drawer opening and watched something shoot out of the top drawer of the nightstand and into Severus's hand. When Harry didn't feel anything for several seconds he began wiggling his bum patiently before he finally felt Severus shift behind him. One hand came to rest on his hip while the other grasped an arse cheek and squeezed. Harry moaned and reached forward to grab a pillow, pulling it towards him and holding it tightly and burying his face in its comfort. The hand then moved to pry his cheeks apart, feeling one finger began to tap lightly against his entrance. His hips jerked at the strange feeling, but decided it felt oddly good. The finger drew circles all around it for a moment before pushing in.

The finger was slick and wet, probably with lubrication, but it didn't seem to be doing any good at the moment. It took a moment for the tight muscles to give way to Severus's finger and even then it took a lot of pulling out and pushing to get it completely in. Harry cried out in pain, grasping the pillow tightly and tensing up tightly. He knew it was supposed to hurt, but he had no idea it was going to hurt like that. And it was only one bloody finger!

"You have to relax, Harry," Severus murmured. The hand on his hip moved around so that his arm was wrapped around Harry and Severus pressed his lips to Harry's back while his finger pulled back. Harry relaxed a bit as Severus began stroking and tapping against his pucker for a while before the hand moved away for a few more seconds and returned to slip back inside of him. Harry held his breath as the finger breached him. It still burned, but he did his best to force himself to stay as relaxed as possible. "Just relax," Severus was whispering quietly, pressing kisses to his skin now and then. Harry swallowed hard, wondering what in hell he had gotten himself into as the finger began slowly moving in and out of him.

After a few minutes the burning had subsided and Harry relaxed a bit more. His heart pounded hard in his chest and his eyes were wide, staring at nothing but the dark red comforter. He kept his breathing deep and even, knowing there was more to come. Finally the finger pulled out and was joined a second later by a second. Harry focused on his breathing, trying to stay relaxed. It still hurt. He cringed and hissed in pain. It took a bit of maneuvering before they were finally both in as deep as they would go before slowly moving inside of him. Severus was still muttering encouraging and reassuring words to him, but Harry was hardly paying attention to them, doing his best to become accustomed to the intruding fingers. His erection had long since wilted and all he really knew now was the pain and the anticipation of more. He didn't move, though, didn't ask Severus to stop. He still wanted this. He knew it would feel good eventually and focused on thinking of that instead.

Once the sting of two fingers left him, Severus pulled them out and now three slick fingers pressed into his hole. Harry grunted loudly in pain and couldn't help the way his body clenched around the intruders, not allowing them to go any further. Warm lips met his skin, whispering affectionate words against him while the arm around him held him close and the hand moved comfortingly over his skin, urging him to relax. After a minute Severus was able to push his fingers in more until they were knuckles-deep inside of him.

It took a bit longer for that pain to go away. Severus was patient, though, still talking to him…The words he didn't understand but the voice that had a way of melting him and easing his mind. They moved slowly and would stop at every hiss of pain and wait a moment before continuing their journey. Harry had never actually _seen _Severus's cock fully hard before, but he had a feeling it was going to be worse than this. He didn't think about it, though, and instead moved his hips back after a while, which helped a bit. Eventually the pain ebbed away and he couldn't help feeling a bit nervous when the fingers pulled out and he felt Severus sit up and shift around behind him.

Curiously, Harry shifted his body and looked behind him as Severus finished pulling off his boxers and tossed them to the floor. He then shifted onto his knees, pouring more of the lube onto his slick fingers and began stroking his hard length. Harry couldn't see it that well from this position, but what he did see made his eyes grow wide and he quickly turned his head back to the pillow. _Bloody hell_, he thought to himself. The sight of it was terrifying, though oddly exciting at the same time.

"Hands and knees, Harry," Severus said quietly, moving closer to him.

Harry nodded mutely and pressed his hands into the mattress and pushed his upper body up on shaky arms. Severus's fingers held open his cheeks and Harry felt a bit awkward like that. Then he felt the head of Severus's cock press against his pucker and he tensed up. "Shh…Calm down. It's okay…You'll be okay," Severus whispered. He could feel pressure against his opening, but found it hard to make his body relax. "Let me in, Harry," Severus whispered.

After a few, long seconds the head finally pressed in and Harry gasped in pain. He could feel his body trying to press the intruder out, but Severus pressed more firmly until an inch or so of him was seated in Harry's body. He cringed, feeling his muscles clamp down around the cock inside of him and Severus moaned loudly in response. The sound of it made Harry's heart skip and he couldn't help but smile, even through the pain. Severus, Mr. Always in Control, Mr. Hides his Feelings was moaning for him. The little burst of joy didn't last long as Severus pressed more into him and Harry felt like he was being split open. The stretching, burning sensation was awful, but just bearable. Severus was moving an at agonizingly slow pace and Harry wished he would just shove it in to get it over with. The way Severus's hand tightly grasped his hip, Harry figured he wasn't the only one who felt that way.

_Finally_ Severus was fully inside of him. He could feel his lover's balls and lightly hairy thighs pressed against his arse cheeks. Harry let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and shifted a bit uncomfortably on his hands and knees. Severus made a strangled sound behind him, his fingers tightening around Harry's hip for a minute before relaxing. Harry swallowed and held still for a few minutes, trying to get used to the feeling. It still burned, but now that they were still it felt a bit better. He felt very full and that feeling was very awkward and very weird for the time being. Harry swallowed hard and shifted a bit, cringing at the slight pain, but managing to relax a little.

"Harry?" Severus asked quietly, voice strained somewhere between concern and pleasure. "How are you?"

"I'm alright," Harry said, pressing his hips back a bit encouragingly. "You can move."

Severus immediately began sliding back, keeping his pace as slow as before. He didn't pull out very much before pressing back into him, though he didn't press back in all the way, either. For a few minutes it was like that, slow movements and only the sound of their combined heavy breaths filling the room. It stung a bit for a while, but eventually started fading away a bit. Once the sharpness of the pain was gone he was aware of how…_bizarre_ it felt to have Severus's cock sliding in and out of him.

Harry gasped in surprise at the feel of slick fingers wrapping around his deflated cock. He hadn't noticed the excess lube still on the hand until he grabbed Harry's cock, the air making his hip cold where his hand had been, though it felt wonderful around his cock. Harry moaned quietly and thrust forward into the hand. Severus stroked him to hardness and made it a bit easier to forget about the remaining pain. Severus held him expertly, circling his finger teasingly over the head before gripping the length firmly and stroking easily in time with his thrusts into Harry's body. He wasn't sure if it was just because the wonderful feeling Severus was giving his cock was making him blissful enough to appreciate it or if it eventually just naturally came to be, but the feel of Severus's cock sliding in and out of him began to feel almost pleasant, especially when Severus began to gradually pick up the pace.

"Mmmm…Sev…Sev'rus," Harry moaned, fingers digging into the mattress again.

"_Harry_," Severus drawled breathlessly behind him and Harry's fingers tightened in the mattress and he moaned again, the sound of Severus's voice going straight to his cock. "You feel so good, _my Harry_."

"Oh fuck," Harry hissed. He could feel Severus shifting around behind him and he changed his angle, the head of his cock all of a sudden hitting…_something_. It was like hitting a switch or a button or something because all of a sudden something seemed to explode inside of him. He gasped for breath, unsure for a moment if it was pleasure or pain, but as Severus hit that spot again…and again…he knew it was the most amazing feeling he could remember experiencing. "Oh my God," he moaned, pressing back eagerly against Severus's dick for the first time.

Severus chuckled quietly and leaned over him, whispering into his ear. "Did you like that, Harry?" he asked, pressing into him, though he seemed to be purposefully avoiding that spot now.

Harry whimpered. "Yessss," he hissed. "Please."

"Please what?" he asked silkily.

"Please…do it…do it again," he half begged, half demanded, pushing his hips back.

Severus obliged. He thrust back in a bit harder, hitting that wonderful spot again. Harry cried out in pleasure, eagerly bumping his hips back against Severus, picking up a pace that didn't quite meet with Severus's thrusts. After a few minutes of erratic movements, Severus stopped and grasped Harry's hips to hold him still before beginning to pound into him, hitting that spot over and over and over again.

"Severus…Oh God…fuck…bloody h-FUCK!" Harry cried out, barely aware of half of the words pouring out of his mouth and most of it probably didn't even make sense after a while. All that mattered was chasing that amazing orgasm he could feel just ahead of him, just barely out of reach. He moved eagerly against Severus the best he could with the man holding him down, grasping and clawing at the comforter. The pleasure was so overwhelming he hardly knew what to do with it. He needed to move or scream or something. Every inch of him felt so alive and so amazing. Notihng had ever felt so damn _good_.

He could feel it rushing over him, the feeling of being so close to his orgasm. As Severus continued stroking him and pounding into him he could feel it coming closer and closer and he moaned unintelligibly under his breath, desperate for release. Finally, it was there, rushing over him. His fingers tightened in the sheets and his toes curled and every inch of his body tightened up as the waves of orgasmic pleasure hit him hard, consuming all of him.

The next thing he knew he was slumped against the bed, his entire body feeling wonderful as Severus continued thrusting into him, only a few minutes later hearing Severus groan and feeling his lover tense up behind him, pouring out into him before collapsing down on top of him, resting his cheek on Harry's shoulder, struggling for breath as he wrapped both arms around Harry's middle tightly. Harry moved his legs a bit to stretch them out into a more comfortable position. He felt very relaxed, pleasant tingles still rolling through his body as Severus lazily kissed his shoulder.

They stayed like that, catching their breath silently for a few minutes. Harry felt Severus's soft cock slide out of him and only a minute later Severus rolled off of him and came to rest at his side. Harry didn't really feel like moving, but did so anyway, twisting his body a bit so that he was facing Severus while his lover pulled him up a bit more and back into his arms. Severus threw his leg over both of Harry's and pulled those closer, too, and while Harry rested his head against Severus's chest, Severus kissed the top of his head.

"That was bloody fantastic," Harry mumbled tiredly, feeling more comfortable and safe and satisfied than he could remember feeling in his life. While the pain had been worse than he imagined, the pleasure had been better and it was all very well worth it.

"Indeed," Severus agreed, just holding him for a while. Harry felt tired, but didn't seem able to fall asleep just yet. After a while, Severus maneuvered them so that they were under the blankets and held him close again. Harry wasn't sure how long they stayed awake, but he knew he enjoyed every minute he was awake. Resting in Severus's arms…Saying nothing and listening to his heartbeat and his gentle breathing, making a silent Christmas wish that he could stay right here with Severus forever…Enjoying lots of mind-blowing sex and loving cuddling.

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**Author's Note: **So…There was arguing…But also sex. Hehehe. I haven't written sex in a while so hopefully it was good! Let me know what you think!

Also a heads up. I know I update like at least once a day lately and since I do, I just wanted to warn everyone that I probably won't be able to get another chapter up until Friday. I work tomorrow and it's longer than I usually work so I probably won't have time to write. My hours at work are also supposed to go up soon, so when they do I won't be able to get as much done, but I'll still be updating as often as possible. I love this story way too much lol!

Anyway, big thanks to my reviewers: unreadmind, vampriexsama, Arcadia Val, Vaettr, xXxElectraxXx, and slytherinfighter2011.

To vampirexsama: I'm pretty sure with Draco, one just gets used to these things lol. And they were friends for a bit before, so I'm sure she came to expect it lol. I'm glad you enjoyed the bet lol!

And I hope you all enjoyed this chapter!

Please review!

Chapter title lyrics from "The Point of No Return" from _The Phantom of the Opera_.


	48. You Make My Body Warm

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_You Make My Body Warm_

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Severus woke up before Harry, just like he always did. It had taken some getting used to, waking up with someone else…and he figured it would take some getting used to waking up to a naked someone else. They probably should have showered, Severus thought to himself, feeling sticky and disgusting from the dried sweat and sex. He might have even slipped into the shower to get himself clean before Harry woke up, had the brat not decided he needed to sleep on top of Severus. Harry normally liked to be close during the night, but sex had made him downright clingy. His leg was draped over Severus's top one while his other one was in between Severus's legs. Half of his upper body was resting on Severus, only his head thrown back in a position that did not look very comfortable, mouth parted ever so slightly as he snored loudly. Severus just smirked and allowed himself to chuckle at how ridiculous his lover looked under the dim light at the end of his wand. Severus turned to light a candle by his bedside, enough light to see but not enough to disturb the sleeping boy. With that done, Severus shifted around a bit into a position that was probably more comfortable for them both, rolling over onto his side and placing Harry on his. He attempted to pull his legs free, but Harry's legs only tightened their grip and Harry shifted around in his sleep, snuggling closer.

That shower could wait, he decided. He enjoyed watching the brat sleep too much to part from him just now. Even if the brat _was_ snoring. He reached out, stroking his fingers through that thick hair and leaned down to press a chaste kiss to the lightning bolt scar that was exposed as his hands moved through his hair. Harry made a quiet sound in his sleep and moved his head a bit, as if urging Severus to continue his ministrations. Severus chuckled quietly and resumed petting at Harry's soft, wild hair. His other hand rested on the boy's back, enjoying the feel of smooth skin and tracing his fingertips in nonsensical patterns along the naked flesh. His dark eyes moved eagerly over the sleeping form beside him and Severus knew he would never get enough of looking at Harry or touching Harry. After giving into Harry last night (or rather, very early this morning) Severus didn't think he could control himself from surrendering to such desires and certainly didn't need to. What point was there when he had already feasted on that delectable body? Severus shivered lightly at the memory of last night. He could hear every moan Harry had made, the way his body writhed beneath Severus's, the feel of his smooth skin, slick with sweat, the taste of him on his tongue, the feel of that tight, warm channel gripping around him…His cock responded eagerly, beginning to harden a bit and Severus couldn't help but roll him eyes at himself. Harry would probably wake up with it like this…It was probably what he got for teasing Harry for waking up with a hard on every morning.

Severus paid little mind on his interested body part and focused instead on admiring Harry's body. The young man was truly beautiful, though Severus didn't think he'd ever _tell_ him that. Not only did he have problems expressing his thoughts and feelings most of the time (only the good thoughts and feelings-he had little trouble expressing his anger), but Harry wouldn't enjoy it very much. The young man was a bit obsessed with being thought of as the girl in their relationship or acting like a girl because he was gay. Severus had assured him numerous times that not all gay men acted like women and told him that he was very much a man and that no one in their right mind would think of him as a woman. Severus smirked to himself, just imagining Harry's shock and offense if Severus dared refer to him as _beautiful_. It wasn't like he was calling him pretty or anything. _Sexy_ and _hot_, while both true, didn't fully express the truth and honesty in Harry's good looks…Something almost feeling vulgar about them and did not seem like proper words to use about his young lover. Handsome, while true, didn't seem nearly strong enough to describe the young man in his arms. It was a shame that words such as _beautiful _and _gorgeous _had to be strongly connected to the feminine. Anything could be beautiful…a house or a tree or a broomstick or any number of inanimate objects. But you used it on a man and the entire world viewed it as being stripped of masculinity. Society these days was ruining everything, Severus decided.

It might have been an hour that Severus watched Harry. He felt no urge to do anything else, not even his books calling to him. Harry was his now and Severus relished in that fact. Harry had given himself to Severus, his heart and his body…And never had taking anyone in such a manner meant so _much_. Sex had always been a means of physical gratification, just a little bit of fun…Somehow, experiencing it with the man he loved had changed so much. He certainly felt different. He could feel his love for Harry grow stronger now, swimming into and filling every last inch of his soul. Severus would never let him go. Right now, he doubted if he could even _want_ to push Harry away again. He held the man he loved close to him, reverently stroking his skin and his hair and pressing gentle kisses against his cheek or his neck or even his mouth, if the desire grew strong enough. There was nothing but Harry, and to Severus, that was everything.

Eventually the boy began to stir and Severus didn't stop his ministrations, only keeping his dark eyes focused on his face as bright green eyes flickered open, still half lost in his world of dreams as the world slowly but surely dragged him into reality. Red lips curled up into a small, lazy smile that Severus allowed the tips of his fingers to trace. The touch caused the smile to broaden. "Mornin'," he mumbles.

"Good morning," Severus replies, leaning down to press a chaste kiss to those soft lips. "And Happy Christmas."

"Mmmmm…Happy Christmas," Harry said quietly, pulling his legs out from Severus's and moved his arms as if to pull away, but instead the boy moved and shifted, urging Severus to roll over onto his back so that Harry could settle on top of him, kissing him deeply. Severus, glad that Harry decided not to get out of bed yet, slid his arms around that thin waist and smirked at the feel of Harry's prick hardening against his thigh.

"I should have known better than give into your abysmal attempt at seduction," Severus mumbled against Harry's mouth. "I should have known it would turn you into some insatiable, horny _brat_."

"Oi, think you could stand to be a bit nicer? It's Christmas," Harry said, slapping his chest halfheartedly while he grinned and buried his face in Severus's neck, inhaling deeply. "So, uh," Harry said after a few seconds, clearing his throat, "does this mean you don't want to do it again?"

Severus chuckled and slid his hands down to grasp Harry's firm, bare buttocks. Harry gasped and tightened his fingers around Severus's shoulders. He gave a squeeze and shifted Harry's body a bit so that he could rub his own half hard cock against Harry's growing need. Harry groaned deeply and rubbed his hips eagerly against Severus's.

"Since it's a holiday, perhaps I'll make an exception," Severus whispered, easily flipping them over so that he as now hovering over Harry. "However shall I make it up to you, Mr. Potter?" he drawled, voice low and husky. As much as he teased Harry about always being so horny, Severus had to admit he was in the mood as well and had been more so lately than he had in a while. He had been with men before, such as Lucius Malfoy and Orpheus Odell and many nameless, desperate men at the bars. He had even had ongoing affairs before, with Lucius and Orpheus. It had been a while, though, since his last sexual encounter…He didn't have the same need as other man to seek out sex like a dying man, who needed it to survive. He had certainly never wanted anyone so badly it hurt before. With Harry, he could hardly help himself, especially when being offered such divine temptation so eagerly and having already tasted such a delicacy, he found it harder than ever to resist and found no need to do so this morning.

"Erm…" Harry said. "You could…you know."

"Do I?" Severus asked, raising his eyebrow. He found it amusing, how hard it was for Harry to talk about sex. He wanted it so much, but could hardly say the words. Severus delighted in using this against him.

"Yes," Harry said, squirming beneath him. His face and neck were red with embarrassment, though he kept his eyes on Severus, pleading with him to get on with it.

"Say it," Severus urged quietly. "So I can be sure, you know."

"Just…You know," Harry said, clearing his throat and summoning up that Gryffindor bravery of his. "F…ha…d…m…" Harry said, then sighing in frustration, struggling to find the proper way to word it. "Just…fuck me," he said, voice strong and his eyes betraying a trace of his nervousness and embarrassment.

"Hmmm…But I want to do so much more than _fuck_ you, _Harry_," Severus purred into his young lover's ear, tracing his tongue along the cartilage. "May I?"

"Mhmm," Harry gasped, nodding his head vigorously.

Severus grinned and moved his face downwards, trailing his lips lightly along the skin before reaching his destination, sucking on the sensitive part of Harry's neck. Harry moaned loudly and grasped him hard, pushing his hips up impatiently. "Not yet," Severus murmured to his lover. "I want to have you begging for me."

"If I beg now will you cut to the chase?" Harry asked breathlessly and Severus just chuckled and continued down, wetly kissing one of Harry's nipples. "It's Christmas," Harry reminded him in a groan.

"Hmm," Severus hummed around the nipple, loving the way his body jerked with pleasure. He pulled back and urged Harry onto his front, sliding his hands all down the back of his body before covering it with his own, tossing the blankets off of them as he did so. He wrapped his arms around Harry's middle and let his cock come to rest between his legs. He returned his mouth to Harry's neck, kissing and sucking all around the sides and the back, unable to stop himself from moaning as Harry pushed his bum back against him. His own cock was aching by now, more than interested by all of the touching of the young body beneath him. He reminded himself to be patient and ignored his dick's need to bury itself into the warm, tight body so close to him.

He slid down Harry's body slowly, kissing and sucking and licking along his shoulder blades and down his spine. Harry moaned, a sound that told well of the delightful torture he was suffering and Severus trailed the tip of his nose up Harry's back until his lips pressed alongside Harry's ear. "You're not the only one suffering, my Harry," he murmured. "There is nothing I want more than to thrust into you right here and now…pound into you until you're screaming out in ecstasy and begging still for _more_. I want you badly…But trust me…It will be well worth the wait for us both," he assured his lover, loving the way his muscles tightened and he clutched at his pillow in a death grip, groaning loudly and shivering as Severus spoke. Severus followed the trail of those delicious shivers right down his back, moving over to nip at his sides, emitting a hiss from his lover.

Severus slid down further, pressing a kiss to each of Harry's arse cheeks before murmuring a quiet cleaning spell against the flesh. Harry jerked and cried out in shock and Severus grinned. Harry was still for a moment before relaxing and it was then that Severus raised his hands, parting the cheeks and sliding his tongue between them, sliding all the way upwards and then back down, circling around the hole. Harry's hips and legs jerked around a bit, but Severus held him still with his hands the best he could. His tongue pressed against the hole, though the tight ring of muscles didn't allow entrance to the probing tongue.

"Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God," Harry was mumbling incessantly, voice slightly muffled by the pillow. Encouraged by the response, Severus continued slowly stroking his tongue over the hole, pausing now and then to suck at it. The gasping and hissing continued and it wasn't until Harry's body struggled harder against his grip that Severus pulled away, pressing one last kiss to his arse before sitting up on his knees and summoning the lube from the nightstand.

"That was…I can't believe you…I…You put your…That was…Bloody hell," Harry gasped, slumping against the mattress while Severus carefully coated his index finger with the slick lube.

"I used a cleaning spell," Severus explained. "Nothing strange about it. You liked it, did you not?"

"Fuck yeah," Harry replied.

"Good," Severus said with a grin, sliding his finger between the boy's arse cheeks, pressing it firmly against the hole. Harry was still incredibly tight, but it seemed that at least preparing him wasn't going to be as difficult now. He could tell it still hurt by the deep, controlled breathing and the hisses of pain now and then, and Severus frowned. He didn't enjoy hurting Harry, but they would both be enjoying it before long. When Harry seemed relaxed enough with one finger, he coated his index finger and pressed both fingers together, sliding them between his cheeks and pressing them inside. They only made it halfway in before Harry's inner walls clamped down hard around them and Severus leaned forward, kissing his lower back. "Relax, Harry," he urged quietly. After a moment, Harry was calm enough to let them in. Severus slid his fingers back and forth, becoming dizzy in his own incredible need. He wanted so badly to ram right into him, desperate for his own release. But Harry was still new at this…He had to be patient and slow with him. It was hard to think of much, though, with that tight passage clenching around his fingers and wanting so desperately to replace them with his cock.

After a few minutes, he pulled out his fingers and finally coated the third finger and placed the group back at Harry's entrance, whispering encouraging words he slid them in. With his free hand, he placed it at Harry's hip and tried to urge him to push back against the fingers, which he did hesitantly. It helped, though, and sooner than with the others, Harry seemed ready.

Severus pulled away and dipped his fingers back into the lube and began coating his hardness, watching as Harry rolled over onto his back to watch him, propping himself up on his elbows. "Erm…Could we…uh…do it this way?" he asked hesitantly. "On…On my back?" he clarified.

Severus eyed him a moment, wondering if he was questioning if the position was possible or if he was okay with doing it. He figured his chosen answer would work well with both. "I don't think it would be very comfortable, especially since this is still new to you."

"I want to try," Harry said confidently, lowering his arms and resting on his back.

Severus nodded his head slowly, raking his eyes all along the front of Harry's body. He himself wasn't too sure about it. He had never had sex with anyone face to face before, but with Harry the idea was suddenly appealing. Harry watched him uncertainly, looking as awkward as ever laying there. His inexperience was clear and more erotic than Severus could imagine. The phrase blushing virgin came to mind, but there was nothing so helpless or shy about Harry that such a phrase suggested. He was an awkward boy who had no idea what he was doing, but still very much a man. Severus almost smiled to himself, imagining what Harry might say to him if he called him a blushing virgin. A _beautiful blushing virgin_. He would have to bring it up later. Right now he was too horny to tease his lover.

He moved closer to Harry and grabbed his legs, pressing them up to the young man's chest and holding them there at the knees. Harry cringed, looking uncomfortable, though he shifted himself around a bit before looking more settled. "I'm ready, get on with it," Harry encouraged, wiggling his bum a bit.

"If you insist on trying to boss me around, I will give you a very _hard_ lesson on patience," Severus warned.

"Bloody hell," Harry grumbled, watching him eagerly and expectantly. His own cock had softened in response to the pain, but he was still impatient to get to things. The want was evident in those emerald eyes, though, and so Severus placed his cock between those cheeks and pressed forward.

"Relax, Harry," Severus encouraged, already feeling his lover's body tense up. "I'm right here…Just me and you," he whispered, leaning down to kiss Harry's knee while he continued pressing in, struggling to hold back his moan as he felt the head of his cock press into that hot, tight passage. He could see the pain and struggle in Harry's eyes and continued watching his lover, pressing kisses to what skin he could reach. "I love you, Harry," he whispered shamelessly. "I want to be inside of you, Harry, let me in."

Severus had not thought much of his voice before, until hearing in one of Harry's memories his opinions of Severus's voice. And it wasn't until actually becoming sexually involved with Harry that he realized that his voice actually did have quite the affect on him. Harry shivered, his body following Severus's orders to loosen up just enough to allow him entrance. He felt an inch or so of him slide inside and continued pressing forward slowly and pulling back slightly every few seconds before pushing more inside of him. Dear God, Sweet Merlin, he wanted to thank any deity that existed in this world for this feeling of being enveloped completely in that great tight heat. Harry's body gripped him firmly and seemed to be sucking him in the deeper he got. He couldn't suppress a deep moan as he was buried completely inside of Harry. He grasped at his knees, holding back the urge to lose control and thrust into him wildly. He stared down at Harry, trying to truly see him through the thick cloud of lust that consumed him. Harry flinched a bit, but otherwise stayed strong, adjusting to the intrusion the best he could.

"How do you feel?" he asked.

"Like I'm being stabbed in the arse," Harry mumbled with a shaky laugh.

"Do you…want to…change positions, Harry?" Severus asked, moaning as Harry shifted and wiggled his bum a bit.

"You're right, it's not comfortable, but I want to do this. _None_ of it is comfortable right now, so I'm sure I'll be okay," Harry explained. "You can move."

Severus nodded and slowly pulled out, hearing a hiss of pain from his lover and paused. "Go," Harry said and Severus complied, pulling out more before sliding back into him with more ease than before.

"Here," Severus said, grabbing Harry's legs and draping them over his shoulders. He then leaned down, bracing himself on the bed with one hand while the other reached between them to stroke Harry's soft prick back to life. In their position it was a bit awkward, but the quiet moan he was rewarded with made it all worth it. The strangeness of the position didn't matter much as he continued sliding slowly in and out of Harry. It didn't take long for Harry to become hard and it was easier for him to loosen up when his pleasure had him so relaxed. With Harry more comfortable, Severus picked up his pace a bit, sliding in and out of Harry with more ease and slightly increased speed. A sharp intake of breath and a loud moan assured Severus when he found Harry's prostate. "Yessssss," Harry hissed when Severus hit that spot again. While he wasn't speaking Parseltongue (as Severus could understand him), he certainly sounded more snakelike than anyone else…Only the Dark Lord could manage such a tone while speaking, and while it was menacing in the Dark Lord, it was completely sexy in his younger lover.

Encouraged by the hissing and moaning, Severus picked up his pace more, tightening his fingers in the sheets beneath him and gripping Harry's manhood more firmly. "Ssssss…Severussss-ssssssss!" Harry hissed pleadingly. "Fuck…bloody…oooh _shite_. God…Sev'russsss…"

There was something so incredibly attractive about having such a vocal lover. Whereas most men Severus had been with had been too proud to allow such pleading noises to escape them, Harry was lost entirely to his ecstasy, a knowledge that spurred Severus further. The way that Harry's body hugged him so closely was amazing…He had never felt more welcome, more amazing anywhere else. He had never wanted someone so much or taken such pleasure from anyone. And he had never felt more loved or more safe than as he thrust into Harry's body…A strange feeling to have during sex, he thought, but not entirely unwelcome or bad.

"C-can you k-kisssssssss me?" Harry asked.

Severus just nodded and leaned down, pressing his lips against Harry's. Kissing in the middle of sex? Unheard of to Severus, though it seemed all too natural with Harry, even from such an unpleasant position. Even to Severus it was uncomfortable, so he could only imagine how it must feel to Harry. Still…He enjoyed those warm, wet lips beneath his own and the loud moan Harry gave against his mouth. Severus then moved his mouth to suck gently on the side of Harry's neck again, pleased by the results.

Harry's arms swung wildly a moment before they grasped at Severus's back, short nails digging hard into his flesh. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," Harry chanted repeatedly and Severus raised his head just in time to stare down into Harry's face as he came. He could feel the member throbbing in his hand, could feel the wetness of Harry's release on his hand and his chest. He stared, transfixed, as Harry's head threw back and he cried out his pleasure loudly before slumping down against the bed, panting. Severus released Harry's softening prick and placed it on the other side of his body, thrusting a bit harder and a bit faster into him, chasing his own pleasure until his orgasm finally hit, rocking through his body as he came inside of Harry, staring directly into those almond-shaped green eyes as he did so.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

For a few minutes the lovers caught their breath and held one another close. They didn't want to part, but Severus decided a shower was in order and they showered together, offering lazy kisses and caresses while warm water washed over them. They even took careful time to dry one another off before reluctantly dressing for the day. Finally they wandered into the living room to find Christmas treats set up on the coffee table and tons of presents beneath the tree. Severus sat calmly on the couch and poured himself a glass of wine while Harry eagerly went to the tree. He had lots of presents and had to dig through them a moment before pulling out a present wrapped in shiny green paper and wrapped with shiny red ribbon and a big bow. He brought it over to Severus, grinning as the man raised his eyebrow.

"You didn't think I wouldn't get you something, did you?" Harry asked with a laugh.

"I didn't think about it," Severus said slowly, eying the gift uncertainly.

"This is where you open it," Harry said with a grin.

"I bloody well know what to do with a gift, Potter," Severus snapped, hesitantly taking the box and setting it in his lap. He carefully unwrapped it and Harry sat beside him, struggling to sit calm where he was. He was more interested in Severus opening his gift than he was opening anything anyone had gotten for him. He had spent a lot of time thinking of what to get for Severus and was anxious to see if he liked them or not.

Finally, after what felt like forever, the wrapping was on the floor and Severus was opening the box. He stared into it for a moment and Harry felt like his heart was in his throat. He watched and waited as Severus pulled the first book out of the box. _The Complete Works of Edgar Allan Poe_. "Mione said he wrote a lot of dark and creepy stuff, so I thought you might like it," Harry explained, grinning as Severus snorted and rolled his eyes, setting the book aside as he reached in to pick up the next. _Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West_ by Gregory Maguire. "Erm…I read some reviews on it and it seemed like something you might like…I dunno, really, I'm not much of a book person, but yeah," Harry said nervously as Severus put it aside and reached for the next book. _The Hobbit _by J.R.R. Tolkien with _The Fellowship of the Ring_, _The Two Towers_, and _The Return of the King _right under it. "I…umm…heard those were really good," Harry explained, wanting to scream at Severus to say something so that Harry would know if he had done decently or not.

Beneath the pile of books by Muggle authors were those Wizarding ones he felt more confident with. Mainly they were books by Severus Augusten, Audra White, and Emmett Greer. "I umm…I know you already have some, but they seemed kind of worn and…I know you like them so I got you some of their books that you didn't have. I wasn't sure if you didn't have them for a reason or not but I got them all anyway." It was a lot of books, Harry realized, and he felt more uncertain than ever. "Would you say something already?" Harry finally snapped, growing more impatient.

"I…" Severus said, still holding the last book in his hands. "This is…a very wonderful gift, Harry," Severus assured him, looking extremely uncomfortable. He began putting the books back into the box.

"Really?" Harry asked.

"Really," Severus said with a snort. "They are very thoughtful and very…I…Well I look forward to reading them all."

"Good," Harry said with a relieved smile.

"Now, go open your gifts and let me get started," Severus said, shooing Harry off to the tree. Severus held one of Audra White's books, _My Lost Salvation_, in his hands, though he didn't open it and instead watched Harry. Harry opened a new sweater from the Weasleys, a newly released Defense book from Hermione, chocolate from Remus, rock cakes from Hagrid, a wireless music system and old music from Sirius, and a set of nice and expensive robes from Draco with a book about gay sex tucked into one of them.

"I don't see why you need that when you have me to teach you," Severus said, rolling his eyes, causing Harry to grin.

"It at least has pictures and stuff I can wank to when you're not available," Harry teased, earning a glare from Severus.

"Looks like you missed one from your elf friend," Severus said, nodding behind the tree. Harry grabbed it and unwrapped a canvas painting of very strange figures that was apparently supposed to be Severus and Harry kissing, according to the back of it. Severus only raised his eyebrow when Harry told him. "Perhaps we should kiss for your little friend and show him how it's supposed to look."

"That could lead to other things and I'd rather not scar Dobby for life," Harry laughed.

"It would be fine. I doubt either one of us could keep it up with that thing staring at us," Severus said.

"Dobby is not a thing, he's…Dobby," Harry corrected him.

"Indeed," Severus said and after a moment cleared his throat and nodded to the tree. "You missed one."

Frowning, Harry got on his stomach and looked under the tree, reaching out and pulling a small box into his lap. It was wrapped in shiny silver paper with _For the Brat_ written in black ink on the top. Harry grinned up at Severus. "You didn't think about me getting you anything, but you thought about it enough to get me something?"

"Shut up and open it," Severus snapped.

Grinning, Harry ripped at the paper eagerly and opened the small box. Inside was a flat piece of metal that didn't look like much until Harry dumped it into the palm of his hand. Harry's eyes widened when he realized what it was…Or what the design was, at any rate. In gold was the figure of a lion with rubies for eyes and wrapped around him in some strange embrace was a snake of silver with emeralds for eyes. There was a small gold circle over the lion's head that looked like something could be put through it. Across the lion and the snake the word _Invictus_ was engraved.

Severus cleared his throat. "Should I ever need to change the password to my rooms, it will appear there…So you will know," he explained. "You can put it on a keychain or a necklace or anything you wish. I thought it might be more convenient, rather than having to go through all of the trouble to let you know the new one."

"This is great! Thanks!" Harry said excitedly, turning the thing over in his hands. The back continued the design, showing the back of the lion and the other side of the snake. Even without the bonus of being able to have the password to Severus's quarters easily (he'd no longer have to worry about Severus changing it to avoid him…at least he hoped it would work that way and Severus couldn't make the charm suddenly stop), but it was a cool looking pendant that Harry thought represented them very well. On first glance it might look like the snake was squeezing the life out of the lion, but Harry figured it was a warm, loving embrace. Either way it worked, Harry thought with amusement. He picked up the box and found a small metal piece inside that he held up.

"I can transfigure that into whatever you wish to put the pendant on," Severus explained.

Harry wanted to argue that he could do it, but he didn't think it would be good to try if he failed. "I could probably put it on a chain and use it as a necklace for now," Harry said after a minute, picking them up and carrying them over to Severus. He took them both and transfigured the metal piece into a long silver chain and he took the pendant and attached it and handed the new necklace to Harry who eagerly put it on. "It's great, really. I love it."

"That's…good," Severus said. "We should probably go to breakfast soon."

"You'll get better at this relationship stuff eventually," Harry said teasingly, noticing how uncomfortable Severus was with many things, including all of this Christmas stuff.

Severus huffed. "I don't know what you're talking about."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

It was a bit disappointing to have to be away from Severus, but he did want to spend time with his friends and he knew he had to be seen outside of the dungeons now and then. He was one of the first ones in the Great Hall (he was a bit surprised by how early they had apparently woken up) and was halfway through his eggs when Hermione showed up, looking dazed and confused as she sat down.

"You okay?" Harry asked after he swallowed his food.

"I…I think so," Hermione said.

"Did something happen?" Harry asked, eyebrows furrowed. He remembered Draco had carried Hermione to Gryffindor Tower last night and that he would wake her up when they got there. Could something have happened then?

"You let Draco take me to bed last night," Hermione accused, glaring at him. "And when he woke me up I might have…Kissed him."

"Oh," Harry said, trying to figure out if this was a good thing or a bad thing, but Hermione didn't seem to really know herself. "That's…"

"Horrible," Hermione said, though she didn't seem totally convinced herself. "Harry, this was the same time last year that Ron asked me out! And he's…It's just…it's wrong! Isn't it?"

Harry stuffed another forkful of eggs into his mouth and chewed carefully while he tried to quickly find out what to say. "Erm…I dunno, Mione. I mean…Remember what you told me? This summer?" Harry said. "You told me to keep trying with Severus because I loved him and mentioned how you and Ron had wasted so much time together…And if I really loved him, to not give up on him," Harry reminded her. "So…uh…If you care about him then…then I don't see why it's a problem. Ron really loved you, you know? He'd want you to be happy, Mione…Even if it is with Draco," Harry said. "I mean, he wouldn't be happy at first, but in the end…He'd only want was best for the both of us. You know?"

"I…Do you think so, Harry?" she asked, a hint of hopefulness leaking into her tone.

"I…Yeah," Harry said finally. Ron would probably flip his lid if he knew Hermione was interested in Draco. He tended to overreact big time, but…Harry truly believed that _eventually_ Ron would be glad that Hermione was happy. "He'd be really upset if he thought you weren't happy and…well, you're not happy. So…Just give it a chance and stop worrying so much."

"I…Well," Hermione said, looking thoughtful. "I'll think about it, then."

"Okay," Harry said with a smile. He had to admit, he hoped Hermione would just give in and be with Draco. Harry knew they both had feelings for each other and he just wanted them both to be happy…and it would make things easier on him if his two best friends were getting along and comfortable with each other. "Did he get you anything?"

Hermione was quiet for a minute before answering. "I wasn't sure if I should wear them or not," she confessed, face turning a bit pink. She pulled a small purse into her lap and pulled out two jewelry boxes. She placed them in Harry's lap who flipped the lid of the first and his eyes grew wide. It was an expensive looking sparkling necklace made of diamonds and rose sapphires. Harry whistled. "Capturing the heart of a rich bloke really does pay off," he teased, handing the necklace back to her and opening the second. It was a beautiful cuff bracelet made of intricate designs and had the same diamonds as the necklace with a few rose sapphires scattered here and there.

"I do not like him for his money," Hermione said indignantly, stuffing them back into her purse.

"I didn't mean it like that, Mione," Harry sighed. "I just mean…Malfoys give expensive gifts. You should see the robes he got me. I have no idea when I'll ever wear them."

"Probably a nice occasion," Hermione said stiffly.

"Mione," Harry sighed, shaking his head. "If you don't want them just give them back."

Hermione didn't say anything and the two friends ate in tense silence. Just a few minutes later, they were joined by Draco who sat on Hermione's other side.

"Happy Christmas," Draco said warily.

"Happy Christmas," the other two echoed.

"Seems Severus made it back alright," Draco said, looking back at the Head Table.

"Yeah, he did," Harry said, trying not to grin.

"Did you have a nice Christmas morning together?" Hermione asked.

Harry coughed. "Erm…Yeah."

Hermione and Draco raised an eyebrow.

"We…erm…had sex when he got back," Harry admitted, grinning when their eyes grew wide and Hermione gasped sharply. "And again after we woke up."

To his surprise, Draco didn't say anything, though he looked like he wanted to. It took a minute for Harry to remember Draco's dare.

"How was it?" Hermione asked.

"It was…Painful…But it ended up good," Harry said, feeling uncomfortable again. "Bloody amazing, actually."

Hermione let out a small squeal. "Ooh that's so…exciting!"

"Mhm," Harry said, grinning and leaning over to look at Draco. "Anything to add?"

"Go to hell, Potter," Draco grumbled.

"Don't worry, your twenty four hours will be up soon," Harry told him with a grin.

"Just another five hours," Hermione told him with a smile.

Draco groaned. "You are both awful, awful people."

"That's not a nice way to talk to your friends, Draco," Harry told him.

"Screw you," Draco grumbled.

Harry turned to Hermione. "Does that count?"

"Hmmm," Hermione said with a smile.

Draco glared at them.

Hermione giggled and just looked at him for a minute, looking like she wanted to say something before changing her mind and looking away. Draco shot her an odd look and Harry nudged her. It was so obvious she liked him…She needed to do something about it. Hermione blushed, but held her head high. "You know, Draco…_Kissing_…That doesn't count against the bet, you know."

Draco smirked. "I figured not after last night."

Hermione glared at him. "Yes, well-"

She was cut off as Draco leaned in to kiss her deeply, standing up and pulling her with him so that the entirety of the Great Hall could see them. Maybe there weren't many people around, but it was a very public declaration of their feelings. Harry wouldn't be surprised if the whole school knew about it before they even came back from the holidays.

Harry just grinned at them, ignoring the muttering and whispering around them. "It's about bloody time."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note:** So glad to get another chapter up! Super sad I couldn't update yesterday, but hopefully this makes up for it! I'm so glad everyone enjoyed the sexy so hopefully this one was just as good.

Thanks so much to my reviewers! Vampirexsama, slytherinfighter2011, Mel, mossyrock, Vaettr, xXxElectraxXx!

To Mel: I'm glad you think they are true to character. The hardest part about using someone else's character is doing them justice lol. I'm also glad the slow road was appreciated…Because as hard as it was for my readers, I assure you it was just as hard for me. I'm always so impatient and eager to get to the good stuff, which is why I took the time to plan out every chapter to have a guideline and try to make myself be patient and make things good with this one and I'm glad it's paid off so far.

To mossyrock: Aww I'm so glad you like it! And that it was worth reading for hours that way and that you've managed to get through the whole thing so far!

To Vaettr: I'm glad you liked that! I like drawing it out instead of having like a one paragraph sex scene and I like keeping the sex somewhat realistic, especially when it comes to the good ole virgins lol.

Anyway, thanks so much to all of my reviewers! I hope you continue to review and encourage those who haven't to do so!

Chapter title lyrics from "Notes in Constellations" by Chiodos.


	49. I Pray In My Heart That This World Never

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_I Pray in My Heart That This World Never Ends_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Harry sighed heavily. "I don't want to go."

Severus didn't look up from his book. He had been engrossed in _Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West_ since this morning and it pleased Harry that Severus was enjoying one of the books he had gotten him. Harry didn't mind him reading so much, but watching the man, he had become completely aware of how much he was going to miss him once the holidays were over.

"I was not aware I had kicked you out yet, Potter," Severus said, flipping the page of his book. "I also wasn't aware that I was good company."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Everyone comes back tomorrow," he reminded the man. The days following Christmas had passed by too quickly for Harry's liking. He spent days with Hermione and Draco…Hermione watching the boys fly around and the boys allowing themselves to be pulled into short study sessions with Hermione. They enjoyed meals together and when Harry felt he had spent too much time away from Severus, he would leave the new couple to their snogging and return to the dungeons where Severus was usually grading papers or reading books. They spent their time together talking or playing games or ordering snacks from the kitchen. Most of the times Harry ended up taking a nap on the couch while Severus read his books and held him close…It felt good to be able to get some rest with how busy he had been so far this year. He didn't like sleeping too much, though, and made sure that he and Severus were able to enjoy each other's bodies at least once a day. Severus continually teased him about his teenage hormones, but Harry didn't care and Harry often had to remind him that it wasn't as if he was uninterested every time Harry approached him. "And you're awful company, but I still like being around you."

"All of these years spent risking your neck and foolishly putting yourself in danger every year since coming to this school, we are finally seeing signs of brain damage," Severus noted.

Harry grinned. "And here I thought you assumed I had brain damage since the moment I stepped into this castle."

"_More_ brain damage," Severus corrected himself.

"Thanks," Harry said, rolling his eyes. "Will you miss me?"

Severus snorted. "I'll finally get some peace and quiet and won't be disturbed by a randy teenager every few hours. It is a most welcome reprieve."

"Awww, I feel the love," Harry muttered sarcastically, though he grinned. This week with Severus had been amazing and it felt only natural to spend so much time with the man. Having to return to the real world of spending most nights in Gryffindor Tower and only being able to spend a few hours a day (alone) with his lover was going to be hard. Harry didn't even want to think about how bad summer would be. They'd have to go through a whole other year of this, too, Harry reminded himself. But it wouldn't be so bad after that. Once Harry was of age and graduated from Hogwarts, he and Severus could really be together and not have to worry about anything…Other than the obvious shocked reactions of people, but they wouldn't have to risk breaking laws or rules and they would be fine.

Being impatient as he was, though, Harry had no idea how he was going to wait that long.

"You don't have to be such an arse, you know," Harry assured him.

"Considering I've always been an arse and you fell in love with me anyway, I assume you will be fine…I daresay you even enjoy it," Severus remarked, still reading his book.

"I s'pose sometimes it's not so bad," Harry agreed. "Only 'cause I'd probably get bored if you were all nice all of the time…Actually, I don't know what I'd ever do with you if you _were_ nice."

"Exactly," Severus said with a smirk, finally glancing up at him before turning the page and resuming his reading. "We are in agreement, then."

"Nah, I think agreeing with you isn't interesting enough," Harry replied with a grin.

"Cheeky brat. I _am _trying to read, you realize," he pointed out.

"Really liking it, huh?" Harry asked with a grin.

"More than I enjoy arguing with brats for their entertainment," Severus replied.

"You know you like it, too," argued Harry.

"Nonsense," Severus said stiffly.

"Then why are you still arguing with me?" Harry asked with a wicked smile. He stood up from his place on the floor, abandoning his doodles of a Quidditch game in which Slytherin lost miserably to Gryffindor and walked around the coffee table to sit right beside Severus.

"I am not arguing with you, I am merely pointing out the facts so that you know for future reference," he replied.

"Call it what you want, you're arguing with me…For my entertainment," Harry said, nudging him with his elbow, causing the man to glare at him. "You must _reallllly _love me."

"Still full of yourself, after all of these years," Severus grumbled, his entire position looking highly uncomfortable now.

There were times when Severus was perfectly comfortable telling Harry he loved him and showing him…But when the man thought about it he seemed entirely self conscious about it and almost afraid of it. Harry couldn't help but tease him about it and take some comfort in his awkwardness. The fact that he didn't snap at Harry for such accusations assured Harry that Severus really did care for him and he promised himself that one day they would both become comfortable with one another and being in a relationship together. They'd be okay with telling each other they loved them and giving them gifts and doing good things for each other. Harry already had an easier time of it than Severus, but he knew that they both had issues to work through, especially concerning their pasts. Severus's affected him more, which made Harry all the more determined to make things good for Severus. They would be happy and they would give each other everything they had never been given as children: love and comfort and peace and affection.

"I have never been full of myself," Harry argued. "Just pointing out the obvious."

Severus cocked an eyebrow. "Obvious?"

Harry grinned. "Yes, you're just oozing love for me. I'm surprised no one's figured it out yet."

Severus rolled his eyes. "If anyone is going to notice anything it is going to be from you. Need I remind you how often you _stared_ at me last year…and this year, actually."

"I was not staring, I was paying attention like any good student should," Harry argued, grinning and trying not to laugh.

"I see. And you felt no need to take notes?"

"Nope. I figured if I paid close enough attention I wouldn't need notes…Besides, I don't write that fast…I thought it would be better that way," Harry said innocently.

"Mhm. And you continued botching up every potion and hardly even _doing_ your assignments at all _because_…?"

"Draco did it. He has a reputation of ruining my work, you know."

"As I recall, you and Mr. Malfoy were friends most of that time frame."

"Yes…Well…" Harry said, grinning shamelessly. "You can't fault me. You're the one who decided to speak all seductively to a class full of _hormone driven teenagers_."

"I do not call ever speaking seductively to any of my classes," Severus said, finally placing his book down a bit and eying Harry.

"Well everything you say sounds seductive to me," Harry admitted, keeping his head tall and his eyes meeting Severus's fearlessly, though he still felt his face flame up at the admittance.

"Hmm. Imagine what trouble you'd be in if I was actually attempting to speak seductively," Severus said with a smirk.

"That would be…mean," Harry said, laughing as he thought of how awful he'd be in class if Severus actually did that, though he wasn't sure how the man would do so and not be noticed by anyone. "You know what, that is the last time I give you any sort of compliment."

"I assure you, I do just fine without them," Severus said, picking his book back up to return to reading. Harry had nothing left so say so he stretched out on the couch, resting his feet in Severus's lap and watching the man as he read. After a few minutes, Severus seemed to relax more into his reading, less distracted by Harry's presence than he had been. Harry smiled to himself, loving how completely engrossed in the book Severus was. Harry felt proud of himself and happy that he had chosen something that Severus enjoyed so much. Hopefully he would like the others just as much, but if not at least he was taking enjoyment out of one of the novels. Harry would not be able to thank Hermione enough for her help. While Harry had made all final decisions, he had asked for her opinions on the books and got brief reviews from her on all of them before making his selection and purchasing them.

After a few minutes, Harry decided Severus was right-he did think of sex too much. He was just watching Severus read then all of a sudden he found himself imagining naughty things they should do their last night together. Without really thinking about it, he began moving one of his feet over Severus's groin, smiling when he felt Severus begin to harden beneath his touch and cleared his throat when Severus glared at him.

"Erm…I was thinking…That I'd like to try…something," Harry finally said, hating how he felt his face heat up. He wanted sex a lot, sure, but the subject always embarrassed him. He hated talking about it because it always seemed so awkward to him and he was worried about embarrassing himself. He definitely did not know how to be sexy or seductive or anything like that.

"Surprise, surprise," Severus said sarcastically, eying Harry's foot that was still hesitantly rubbing his hardness. "Need I remind you about the last time we 'tried something'?"

Harry blushed furiously and glanced away. Last night he wanted to try riding Severus, something that was in the book Draco had gotten him for Christmas. It hadn't gone very well…Harry couldn't manage to get comfortable doing it and he kept letting Severus's cock fall out of him and it got so frustrating for them both that Severus finally gave up trying to salvage the situation and flipped them over and had his way with Harry. It had been damn good, but it was still embarrassing how badly it had gone. It shouldn't have been that hard, should it?

"What did you have in mind?" Severus asked, voice straining a bit as he tried to sound a bit kinder. It was his natural reaction to want to tease Harry and Harry didn't mind it so much, though it made him feel good that Severus was thinking of trying to spare his feelings a bit.

"Well…You've…erm…" Harry said, not sure how to get it out. Finally he decided that just blurting it out and getting it over with would be better. "I want to try to give you a blow job." He stammered over the words a bit more than he liked, but at least he had gotten it out without having to draw it out and having Severus taunt him until he was able to finally spill it.

Severus raised his eyebrow. "Are you sure you want to try that?"

"Yeah, I mean…You've done it for me before and…Well, I want to know what it's like and…you know…see. I should you know…learn sometime," he explained. "You can always return the favor afterwards, if it makes you feel better," he joked lightly, though he still sounded more nervous than he intended.

"Hmm," Severus said, reaching over to grab his bookmark, carefully marking his spot in the book before setting it aside. He was moving too slow in Harry's opinion, who was anxious to start. He was getting aroused himself, but he figured Severus could help him out later. He had been thinking about doing this since he found the page about it in the sex book Draco had gotten him. The idea of having a cock in his mouth wasn't exactly appealing or arousing in itself, but it was something new and Harry wanted to give it a shot.

"Where would you care to do this, then?" Severus asked.

"Here…I guess," he said, clearing his throat.

Severus said nothing, but waved his wand, causing the coffee table to move back a few feet to give Harry room. Harry yanked his legs off of Severus and scrambled to his feet, watching anxiously as Severus moved around a bit to unbutton and unzip his trousers, pulling them and his underwear down, revealing his long, thick erection in all of its glory. Harry swallowed and made himself move forward, feeling awkward as he got down on his knees in front of Severus. He felt those dark eyes boring into him and he licked his lips and let his eyes meet the lustful gaze of his lover. The rest of his face was as stoic as ever, but he couldn't hide the desire in his eyes.

"Well…Here goes nothing," he said quietly, laughing a bit as he reached forward to wrap his hand around the base of Severus's cock. He stroked up and down for a minute while he situated himself between Severus's legs, licking his lips before leaning forward and slid his tongue over the head of the cock. He tasted only a slight bit of the pre cum that was not all that appealing, but he continued on, moving down to run his tongue along the length of it. Why on earth had he suggested this? He did want to learn how to do it, but he did not want to be bad at it. There didn't seem to be much hope, though. The only way he was going to learn was by doing it and he was not going to go out and start giving head to other guys just to be able to get it right with Severus. He also highly doubted Severus would appreciate that very much.

Gathering up his courage, he wrapped his mouth around the hardness and taking it in as far as he dared to for the moment. He was careful of his teeth, though it was a bit hard to do so with how _thick_ it was. He had not in the past several days been this up close and personal with Severus's dick and it was suddenly amazing to him that _this_ had been in his _arse_. Dear Merlin no wonder it hurt so much. Harry tried not to think much about it, figuring he would need most of his concentration for the task at hand. He moved his head up and down slowly, trying to get used to the feel of it in his mouth. It wasn't horrible or anything, though Harry hadn't really done much so far. Realizing his hand was still he gave a squeeze and began swiping his tongue over the length in his mouth, massaging the underside of the cock with it. That earned a long moan of pleasure from Severus and Harry felt relieved by the sound of it. He felt a bit worried when Severus's fingers stroked through his hair, but Severus didn't do more than feel his hair and pet him, never pushing him down, so Harry relaxed and continued bobbing his head, running his tongue all around where he could and trying to stroke Severus at the same time, though he ended up hitting himself in the mouth by accident, which embarrassed him, though he didn't think Severus had noticed. After a few minutes he made the mistake of going down too far, gag reflex kicking in. He choked for a minute and pulled himself up, falling back onto his bum, coughing a bit, tears of pain stinging his eyes. He quickly wiped them away and cleared his throat.

"Erm…Sorry," he said, getting back up onto his knees.

"You should be more careful, Potter," Severus reprimanded, though he was looking at Harry with concern. "Take off your pants."

"But…uh…I can finish, I just need to be careful, s'all," Harry said. "If you want to fuck, though, I mean-"

"Shut up, Potter, before you go off rambling again," Severus said. "I trust that book my godson chose to gift you with mentioned the sixty-nine position?"

"Sixty-nine?" Harry asked, thinking it strange that a sex position was given a number. Severus just smirked in amusement and it took a moment to click. "Ooooooh," Harry said, laughing. "Oh yeah, they had it."

"Good, I believe we shall try that, then. So long as you try not to choke yourself on my cock again. I would hate to explain such an untimely death to the headmaster, should you kill yourself in the middle of performing oral sex."

Harry's eyes grew wide. "Wait…can you do that?"

Severus just laughed. Harry glared at him, but found it hard to really be irritated when the man laughed. A real, amused laugh. It was rare and Harry found himself smiling despite himself. "Strip, brat," Severus ordered, standing up and stepping out of his own bottoms before pulling off the undershirt he had been sitting around the living room in. Harry stood up eagerly and began pulling off his own clothes. He didn't mind just giving Severus a blow job and he didn't have to do this just to please Harry at the same time, though Harry found no fault in it. He could learn to give oral sex and try a new and interesting position at the same time. He wasn't too sure if the distraction of Severus's mouth on his cock would be a good or a bad thing for his own task, but he was willing to try.

When Harry pulled off his shirt and placed his glasses on the coffee table (might do better without them, anyway, as they kept sliding everywhere while he had moved) he glanced up to find the blurry image of his lover laying in front of the fireplace waiting for him on a thick, warm blanket he had conjured from the bedroom.

"I assume you know the basics?" Severus asked.

"Erm…Yeah," Harry said, walking around the coffee table and kneeling down on the floor beside Severus. As tempting as this was, he felt a bit awkward just crawling over his lover and sticking his dick in his face. Severus seemed impatient, though, so Harry crawled over him until he was face to face with Severus's cock again. He braced himself on one hand and wrapped the other around Severus's cock again, leaning down to lick it. At the same time he felt Severus grab his hips and engulf his hardness in one gulp. He was completely enveloped in the wet heat of Severus's mouth. Harry's legs trembled a bit and he struggled not to thrust down, shoving more of himself into Severus's throat. It didn't seem to trouble Severus at all. As Harry wrapped his own mouth around Severus's manhood again, he felt Severus pull his hips down, swallowing him entirely.

Harry moaned loudly around Severus's cock, causing his lover to moan around him in response. Harry let out another quiet sound of pleasure at the vibrations that moved around his cock. _That_ felt damn good. Severus began sucking and licking at his cock, using his hands on Harry's hips to urge Harry to move, encouraging him to fuck his mouth. His cock twitched eagerly and any concerns he had about his own recent experience with his gag reflex and what it must be like for his lover were gone…It was hard to think straight when Severus was making him feel so damn good. All he could think of how erotic it was, how amazing it felt, and allowed himself to move his hips up and down, sliding in and out of that sinfully glorious mouth. It was hard to really focus on technique when Severus was driving him so wild, but he sucked enthusiastically on the member on his mouth and squeezing his hand firmly around it.

It did not take long before he was moaning nonstop around Severus's cock, moving faster and faster in Severus's mouth. The man made no protest, only holding his hips firmly and helping guide him along, sucking and licking at him skillfully while he moved erratically. He didn't think anything felt so good as Severus's mouth around him, except maybe the feel of Severus hitting his prostate over and over during sex. He grasped and clawed at the blanket beneath him, feeling that he was close. "Mmmmmm….mmmm….mmmmmm!" he moaned over and over again. Severus's hands moved from his hips around to his arse, giving a firm squeeze and Harry lost it. His orgasm rushed over him hard and he cried out around Severus's cock. He moved his hand from around Severus to the other side of the blanket, clenching at it hard. The feeling was all the more intense as Severus continued sucking at him, swallowing everything he had to give.

When he was done, Severus moved him aside a bit so that he could breath freely, panting heavily beneath him and wrapping his arms around Harry, resting his hands on his lower back. Harry took a moment to catch his breath before remembering he had a job to do, resuming his sucking and licking in almost a daze, the good feeling his orgasm left still tingling every inch of his body. Harry knew he must have been doing a good job when Severus tightened his arms around him and even scratched lightly at his back.

"Harry, I'm about…to cum," Severus warned with a groan.

Harry didn't really want to swallow because he didn't think it would taste all that good. But Severus had done it for him and Harry was determined to at least give it a shot. He continued sucking until he felt Severus grasp at him more and he felt the first taste of it against his tongue. It was warmer than he thought it would be and it tasted weird. It wasn't awful, though, so he swallowed every bit of it that he could, though some of it dripped out and slid down the corners of his mouth and onto his chin or onto Severus.

When it seemed to be done, Harry pulled away and rolled off of Severus to rest beside him, wiping his mouth with his arm. "That was brilliant!" Harry said breathlessly. "I can't believe you…that was just…bloody amazing," he said with a grin.

Severus chuckled. "Of course it was," he said smugly. "You, on the other hand, could use the practice."

"Arse," Harry said, shoving Severus's shoulder lightly with his foot, keeping his voice light, though he couldn't help but feel disappointed by the statement.

"I imagine I can arrange to offer you plenty of opportunities to get that practice, if you would care to hone that particular skill," Severus offered.

"Of course you could," Harry said with a grin.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Harry and Severus spent the remainder of their last night together with only each other, even choosing to take dinner in the living room, figuring they could both afford to miss _one_ meal without it looking bad. They ended the night by making love in Severus's bed before falling asleep. Harry dreaded waking up, but knew that the world outside of them would have to go on. They took one last shower together before Harry got his things and shrunk them, shoving them into his pocket and carrying them back to Gryffindor Tower before heading to breakfast with Hermione. Draco had things to do, according to Hermione, so she and Harry went for a walk around the grounds by themselves and ended up under a tree by the lake where they traded stories about their last day of the holiday.

"…so after dinner he told me to go get 'dressed up' and to wear my Christmas presents," Hermione was saying happily. "So I put on my new dress robes and he was all dressed up…I had no idea what he had in mind, but he took me to the Room of Requirement and it was all nicely done like a grand sort of ballroom or something, only a bit smaller. It was very…elegant. And we danced and he told me that, with him, I could have anything I wanted. We kind of argued a bit, actually…I didn't want him thinking I cared for money or anything, but he was just trying to be sweet, it turns out," she admitted. "So then we snogged for a bit, and he tried going further, getting all touchy…But I stopped him," she said, sounding pleased with herself.

"Jeez, Mione. I don't know how he's going to handle being with you," Harry teased. They both knew how sex-obsessed Draco was. It seemed funny to him that Draco was so…casual about sex considering what he had been through with his father. Severus explained, though, that everyone reacted differently to being sexually abused. Most people became timid around the idea of being intimate with a person while some people had the opposite affect. He went on to explain a lot of things, but the gist of it as Harry figured was that Draco needed to make sex seem not important to deal with it better.

"We've only been together a few days! And I am not like any of his whores," Hermione said in a very dignified voice. "I never even let Ron get to second base," she assured him. While the mention of Ron seemed to dim her mood a bit, she didn't seem nearly as upset as she usually was over the subject and that made Harry feel amazing. Some feeling of guilt lingered over the two at the thought of Ron Weasley, but Harry reminded himself of words Severus had spoken to him, that it was alright to heal and that his friend would want them to be happy and Harry let himself breathe easy.

"Well, if he tried pressuring you…I'll kick his arse, best friend or not," Harry assured her and Hermione just laughed and leaned her head on his shoulder.

Eventually the two headed back to the castle for lunch, finding that a good deal of their classmates had returned to the castle already. There was a lot of talking when they entered, but it took a few minutes after sitting down for the pair to realize that they were being stared at…More specifically, Hermione.

"I can't believe you, Hermione," Ginny said, staring at Hermione with anger and hurt in her bright brown eyes.

"What?" Hermione asked, surprised.

"You know what!" Ginny exclaimed.

"I can't believe you're dating Malfoy, Hermione!" Lavender said from a few seats down.

"Oh," Hermione said in understanding, sighing heavily.

"It's bad enough you two replaced my brother with the ferret, but now you have to date him?" Ginny demanded.

"Ginny," Harry said warningly. "That's my friend you're talking about."

"Why are you even friends with him?" Ginny demanded.

"I wouldn't trust him…I _don't_ trust him," Parvati was saying. "I don't care how much money he has."

"I _do not_ care about his _money_!" Hermione spat.

"His dad's a Death Eater!" Lavender said.

"And?" Hermione demanded furiously. "That doesn't make him one!"

"Hermione, are you really dating Malfoy?" Neville asked, walking up with Dean and Seamus.

"Yes! I _am_!" Hermione exclaimed, standing up. "Draco has been nothing but good to me and Harry," she hissed at her House mates. "But if you're too blinded by prejudice to see anything but the person he used to be or who his father is, then so be it but do _not_ jump on _me_ about choices I make in _my_ life when I know him better than any of you ever will!"

With that, Hermione spun around and stormed off. Everyone began whispering amongst themselves and Harry looked around the Great Hall. Everyone was talking and watching where Hermione had disappeared to. The Slytherin table seemed in just as much of an uproar as Gryffindor's was. He saw Draco standing, as if he had meant to go after Hermione, but stood there arguing with his classmates. Harry got up and glared at the other Gryffindors before going after Hermione. Draco wasn't far behind him.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"My father doesn't trust you anymore, Snape. And neither do it, for that matter," Theodore Nott said bluntly.

Severus raised his eyebrow at his student and continued walking towards the dungeons. "Is that so?"

"Not many do," Theodore continued.

"It is well, then, that the only opinion that really matters is the Dark Lord's and _he_ trusts me better than anyone," Severus retorted.

"Things can change," Theodore said coolly.

"And you think it will?"

"Of course it will. The truth always comes out," Theodore assured him. "Before long, my family will be the most honored in the Dark Lord's eyes. The most trusted. Once you lose his favor it will not be long before he sees right through you…And you'll have nothing left then, will you?"

Theodore Nott was a lot more bold than Severus could remember. From how forward he had been with Harry to how blunt he was being with Severus now…He did not like the change and wondered what had inspired it. Severus was not worried, though the boy's words left him curious.

"And just how does your family intend to gain favor in the Dark Lord's mind?"

Theodore just grinned. "I'd be careful if I were you, Professor. It wouldn't do well to mess with the wrong people. You never know who will be in power next."

With that cryptic warning, Theodore turned and walked off. Severus turned and curiously watched him go. Theodore could be all talk when it came to mentioning his family would be the most honored among Death Eaters before long, but considering how obsessive he had grown over his task to seduce Harry, Severus didn't doubt that the boy could very well be up to something. Now, to tell Albus of his suspicions or…No, he would follow the boy and try to learn more, first. Severus turned and briskly walked in the direction he had seen Theodore leave in. He saw only a flash of robes around corners and only spotted Theodore close enough once or twice to be sure it was him. He had been a spy for many years, so Severus doubted Theodore noticed that he was being followed, but the boy did seem to be in some sort of hurry.

Eventually, Severus came to a point where he no longer had seen Theodore. He paused where he was and listened carefully, hoping to hear footsteps or voices or something. He could hear a bit of noise from nearby, up in the Astronomy Tower. Severus moved quickly up to the Astronomy classroom and paused by the door that was creaked open. He peered inside, surprised to see, not Theodore, but Harry and Draco and Granger. Harry and Granger were roaring with laughter while Draco gaped into a handheld mirror. His sleek, white blond hair was a startlingly pink color. "Hermione, I swear to Merlin-"

"C'mon, Draco, I think pink is your color!" Harry chortled.

"No…Maybe a nice lavender color?" Hermione asked, raising her wand again.

"Woman, haven't you done enough dam-HERMIONE!" he exclaimed as his hair melted from hot pink to a pale lavender color.

"So right, Hermione. As always!" Harry laughed, gasping for air.

"Go play with _his_ hair," Draco suggested with a sniff.

"Hmmm," Granger said, turning a wicked smile to Harry.

"Ooooh no you don't!" Harry said, drawing his own wand and grinning at her.

"Pink might be _his_ color," Draco suggested.

"I'll give you green hair, Mione. Don't push me," Harry warned with a grin.

"You'd probably singe my hair off before it turned any other color," Granger teased. "Besides…This is good practice…"

"You don't need practice!" Harry told her. "You're good at everything."

The trio seemed to be having a good time and honestly it warmed his heart to see his lover and his godson enjoying themselves so much…Especially in such company as Granger. He had to admit, she was a responsible and intelligent young woman. Annoying, perhaps, but his godson was smitten with her and Harry loved her like a sister. Severus found it hard to dislike her as much as he used to.

Severus recalled just a few hours ago at lunch how upset the three were. The school was making a big deal out of Draco and Granger's new relationship. Draco, of course, had soothed his old Slytherin friends with assurances that he was just using Granger to get even closer to her and Harry. That he was doing it for the Dark Lord. They still teased him plenty, but they at least seemed to accept it as fact. It made much more sense to them than the proud and arrogant Draco Malfoy dating a _mudblood. _

He was reluctant to interrupt their fun, but figured that since he had lost Theodore he might as well confront Draco. He strode into the room quickly, causing them to gasp and jump to their feet before seeming to relax. Severus raised his eyebrow, not really used to students _relaxing _when they realized it was him. Especially since one of them was Granger, who he had no close ties to. Harry broke out into a grin and Severus had to catch himself before he could respond with a smile of his own. What this boy was doing to him, Severus thought with a shake of his head.

When Severus shut the door, Harry immediately ran forward and kissed him in greeting. Severus was surprised and not entirely sure it was a good idea, though he kissed Harry back and pulled away before Harry could. Harry didn't seem to mind, though he grinned sheepishly and turned back to his friends. Draco was smirking and Granger had the decency to look away, though she was wearing a pleased smile.

"What are you doing here?" Harry asked.

"I was following Theodore Nott," Severus explained. "Draco, has Theodore mentioned any…_plans_…he might have?"

Draco looked confused. "No, why?"

"A comment he made leaves me a bit…suspicious," Severus admitted. "He still trusts you?"

A knowing look came to Draco's eyes. "Of course. I'll try to talk to him about it later tonight. I'll come to you when I know something."

"Do you think it's bad?" Harry asked.

"More than likely," Severus replied.

Harry nodded and frowned. Granger looked thoughtful. "Draco, if you-"

"No," Draco interrupted, shaking his head. "I want to spend as much time with you as I can before…Everything goes back to normal. When classes start back it's going to be hectic."

"I know," Granger said, biting her lip. "But…Well, you know I want to be with you…But…If this is important you should do something."

Draco looked crestfallen as Hermione removed the color charm from his hair and Draco straightened his robes. "I doubt that whatever Theodore is doing will be accomplished anytime soon and I intend to learn what I can. I still wish to speak with the headmaster before going too deep into this and see what his opinion is on the matter. There is no need for you to jump on this right away, only when you get a chance in the next day or so."

"Are you sure, Professor?" Granger asked, concern clear in her face.

"I am positive," Severus said, inclining his head towards her. "Just keep in mind to alert me if you notice any strange behavior among sixth or seventh year Slytherins. I am sure many children of Death Eaters will be eager to help the cause."

"Of course, Professor," Granger said politely.

"Will do, Severus," Draco said.

"I've been keeping an eye on them anyway," Harry said with a grin. Severus snorted and shook his head.

"You may resume your childish games, then," Severus said, nodding to them. Immediately, Draco and Harry scattered away from Granger who laughed at them both.

Severus turned to head to the door, trying to decide if he should continue his hunt for Theodore or speak with Albus. He found Harry running out and stopping in front of him. Before he could register much, the brat was kissing him. Instinctively Severus kissed him back, though he was well aware of their audience. Severus was not very fond of such public displays of affection and couldn't help but be concerned about being caught. Granger and Draco both knew, obviously, but if anyone else were to be snooping around…He would speak with Harry about it later, not too keen on embarrassing him in front of his friends.

_You're going soft, Severus_, a voice in his head scolded him.

"Umm…Bye," Harry said awkwardly with a grin before moving around to return to his friends. Severus shook his head and left, frowning. Pushing all thoughts of Harry from his mind, Severus instead focused on Theodore Nott and headed down to Albus's office. Maybe he was overreacting, but in times like these, it never hurt to be sure.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note:** Yay another chapter! Also wanted to mention that…Halfway through the last chapter made the official halfway mark of this story! Since half of 95 is 47 and a half. Hehehe. Only….46 more chapters left now lol.

Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! Slytherinfighter2011, xXxElectraxXx, Vaettr, vampirexsama, and unreadmind! You guys are the best!

To slytherinfighter2011: I am very honored! So happy to hear you say that lol and very glad that my story has earned such a privilege lol. I appreciate your reviews so much!

To vampirexsama: Yeah, lol. I believe Sev struggled with the idea of getting Harry something and especially getting anything that might be seen as 'sweet'. He has a lot of issues when it comes to relationships and being in love. And as nice a gift as it was, I'm sure he was beating himself up the entire time Harry was opening it and fawning over it lol. It'll be good for Harry to get through his hard shell and to his…softer, gooier, chewier middle hehehe. He may not be a total softie, but he's got something warm and fuzzy hidden deep down somewhere!

To unreadmind: I'm so glad you thought of it as realistic! And I'm glad you noticed their awkwardness and appreciate it. I love it, personally. I don't think being together is easy for either of them, especially Severus, but they'll be working on being better together.

And because part of vampirexsama 's review made me think of something, I did want to mention that I am considering writing fanfics on the side regarding my dear Dramione and another couple that will become important more in the sequel to Lost and Damned. Never fear, though…This story is my baby and seeing as Snarry is my all time favorite ship EVER, they will have my utmost attention.

Chapter title lyrics from "I See You" by Leona Lewis.


	50. I Wish This Could Have Been Any Other Wa

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_I Wish This Could Have Been Any Other Way _

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"…but then we were rudely interrupted by Severus Snape!"

"What?"

Harry froze in his walking and stared at Trelawney. It was only a few days after Christmas break had ended and Harry had been given a note by Hermione telling him to meet Dumbledore for another meeting. He had run into the Divination teacher on the way there. She began babbling on about her Inner Eye and such nonsense, but he began paying attention when she brought up the day she interviewed with Dumbledore for the Divination post, since he knew that to be the night she had unknowingly made the Prophecy about Harry and Dumbledore. Now she was saying that…that _Severus_ had overheard them? He swallowed hard, his pulse racing and his mind refusing to wrap around the notion.

"Yes, there was a commotion outside the door and it flew open, and there was that rather uncouth barman standing with Snape, who was waffling about having come the wrong way up the stairs, although I'm afraid that I myself rather thought he had been apprehended eavesdropping on my interview with Dumbledore-you see, he himself was seeking a job at the time, and no doubt hoped to pick up tips! Well, after that, you know, Dumbledore seemed much more disposed to give me a job, and I could not help thinking, Harry, that it was because he appreciated the stark contrast between my own unassuming manners and the quiet talent, compared to the pushing, thrusting young man who was prepared to listen at keyholes-Harry, dear?"

Trelawney had only just noticed that Harry had stopped and turned to look at him, seeming concerned and frightened. "Harry?" she repeated uncertainly. Harry didn't really have it in him to respond, just staring at her as his mind raced. Severus…_his Severus_…had been there. He had been the one to overhear the prophecy. Severus told Voldemort. Severus and Pettigrew had worked together to send Voldemort after his parents. They were the reason James and Lily Potter were dead.

Harry felt sick.

"Harry?" said Trelawney again. "Harry-I thought we were going to see the headmaster together?"

"You stay here," Harry said through numb lips.

"But dear…I was going to tell him how I was assaulted in the Room of-"

"You stay here!" Harry snapped.

She looked alarmed as he ran past her, but Harry didn't care. He ran straight to Dumbledore's office with his head spinning, shouting the password at the gargoyle and running up to the office. Dumbledore sat behind his desk, his smile fading when Harry entered. "Harry-?"

Harry opened his mouth, but found that he was unable to speak. His body trembled with rage and he could see spots of red and black blaring in front of his eyes. He couldn't remember how to talk or do anything for a while.

"Harry? What has happened?" Dumbledore asked in concern.

"Snape," Harry finally managed to hiss.

Dumbledore frowned and looked surprised. "What happened, Harry? Did you have a fight?"

"Oh, we're going to," Harry vowed. "He…is the reason…my parents…are _DEAD_!"

"What makes you think that, Harry?" Dumbledore asked a bit too calmly and a bit too quietly.

"_Snape_," Harry hissed, refusing to use the man's given name or even the respected title of Professor or anything of that nature. "He told Voldemort about the prophecy! It was him! He listened outside the door, Trelawney told me!"

For a long moment, Dumbledore said nothing, his expression not changing, though he looked paler. "When did you hear about this/"

"Just now!" Harry snapped. "AND YOU LET HIM TEACH HERE AND HE TOLD VOLDEMORT TO GO AFTER MY MUM AND DAD! YOU ENCOURAGED ME TO-TO BE WITH HIM! THE MAN WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MY PARENTS BEING DEAD! HE IS THE REASON VOLDEMORT CAME AFTER ME IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

Breathing hard, Harry turned away from Dumbledore, pacing up and down the study, rubbing his knuckles in his hand, using every bit of restraint he had not to do something incredibly stupid and knocking things over.

"Harry, please listen to me. Professor Snape made a terrible-"

"Don't tell me it was a mistake, sir, he was listening at the door!"

"Pleas, let me finish," Dumbledore said, waiting until Harry nodded curtly before going on. "Professor Snape made a terrible mistake that night. He was still in Lord Voldemort's employ on the night he heard the first half of Professor Trelawney's prophecy. Naturally, he hastened to tlel his master what he had heard, for it concerned his master most deeply. But he did not know-he had no possible way of knowing-which boy Voldemort would hunt from then onward, or that the parents he would destroy in his murderous quest were people that Professor Snape knew, that they were your mother and father-"

"He hated my dad!" Harry snapped.

"You have no idea of the remorse Professor Snape felt when he realized how Lord Voldemort had interpreted the prophecy, Harry. I believe it to be the greatest regret of his life and the reason that he returned-"

"But _he's_ a very good Occlumens, isn't he, sir?" said Harry, whose voice was shaking with the effort to keep it steady. "And isn't Voldemort convinced that Snape's on his side, even now? Professor…how can you be _sure_ Snape's on our side?"

"I am sure. I trust Severus Snape completely," Dumbledore said. "And I would have thought you might have more faith in the man you claim to love."

Harry bit his tongue to keep from responding. He _did _love Severus, he wanted to retort. And it wasn't as if that wasn't true. He did love Severus, even now. But how _could_ he? How could he still love him, still trust him, when he now knew that Severus had…he had been the reason that Harry had lost his family. He was the reason Harry had to grow up with the Dursleys. He was the reason…The reason for everything. All of the good Severus had done didn't make sense, didn't matter to Harry who was too blinded by his rage and his pain to allow any sort of positive thoughts about the man who had contributed, in some small way, to the death of his parents. The very reason Voldemort had chosen Harry…The very reason Harry had this destiny to begin with.

"What do you want to show me today?" Harry asked instead after a few minutes.

"Harry, we shou-" Dumbledore said.

"I don't want to talk about it," Harry said stiffly.

Dumbledore didn't seem too certain, but he nodded his head and picked out the memory he wanted to show Harry today.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The memory they saw was that of Professor Horace Slughorn, an apparently tampered memory. And it was apparently up to Harry to retrieve the real one…An important piece to this puzzle about Voldemort. But how was he going to do that? Slughorn may have favored him a bit, but that didn't mean he could just waltz up to the man and demand that information? The memory was changed for a reason and Harry didn't think it would be such a simple task as sending the famous Harry Potter after him.

Harry was lost in thought over the whole thing that he hardly noticed where he was going. Only running into someone as he turned a corner jogged him out of his thoughts. Harry blinked in surprise, immediately tensing up when he realized it was Severus. He wasn't as angry as he had been earlier, but he still wasn't sure what to think of what he had learned. He really didn't want to think about it right now. He folded his arms over his chest and resisted the urge to glare at the man. He must have seen something on his face, though, for Severus looked at him uncertainly, raising his eyebrow. "Potter."

"Sorry, Professor," he said stiffly, moving to walk past the man.

"Harry," Severus said quietly and Harry glanced over his shoulder. The man looked around for a moment before moving closer. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"

Harry swallowed hard and turned to face Severus. "Y-D…Dumbledore just wants me to do something," he muttered, avoiding the man's eyes.

Severus raised his eyebrow. "Care to elaborate?"

"He wants me to…get something from Professor Slughorn. It's kind of important for our lessons, but I think it might be sort of hard to get," Harry explained, struggling to keep what anger he did feel under control. Severus was on the staff and he had been a student of Slughorn's…He might be of some use. "Do you have any idea how…I could butter him up or…something?" he asked hopefully.

"What is it you need from him?" Severus asked curiously.

Harry sighed heavily. "You know I can't tell you. Dumbledore said I'm not allowed to tell anyone." Harry especially didn't want to tell him anything after what he had just learned tonight.

"Of course," Severus said coldly.

Harry narrowed his eyes at him. "Well, you can't exactly blame him for not trusting you," he snapped, beginning to walk off again.

He didn't make it very far. In two long strides, Severus was at his side and pushing him into a wall, holding his wand at his chest. "What _exactly_ is that supposed to mean, _Potter_?"

"What? Going to kill me like you got my parents killed, _Snape_?" he snarled.

Severus froze, his expression entirely unreadable.

"Yeah, I heard all about it," Harry said, shoving him away. He didn't move far, though, just standing to glare at the man. "I heard about what you did. _You_ were the one who overheard the prophecy. _You_ told Voldemort. _You _are the reason he came after me. _You_ are the reason that my parents are dead!"

"That is in the past," Severus said stiffly.

"Right," Harry said, rolling his eyes. "Did you ever plan on telling me about it, then?"

Severus stared at him hard. "I didn't think it was important."

"You didn't think it was important?" Harry asked incredulously. "It involves me, Severus! My past…My _family_!"

"Do you think I'm proud of it?" Severus hissed. "You know what I was, Harry. You knew who I used to be!"

"Yeah, well I didn't know _that_, did I?" Harry snapped.

"You didn't _need_ to know," Severus replied, voice still cold, eyes still blank, betraying nothing.

"Why not?" Harry demanded. "Is it because you thought I'd see you for what you really are?"

Anger flashed through those black eyes. "I haven't been that man in a long time, Potter," he said in a dangerous voice.

"How am I supposed to know that?" Harry demanded.

Momentarily the anger was gone, replaced by surprise and by hurt. Harry blinked and shrank back a bit, feeling sick to his stomach. His anger melted away and he felt nothing but horror and guilt building up strongly inside of him.

"I suppose you don't have any reason to," Severus remarked, stepping back. His face was blank again, but Harry could still see that shockingly pained look in his dark eyes.

"Severus, I-" Harry began, though he wasn't really sure what to say. He swallowed hard and just watched Severus.

"Professor Snape," Severus corrected, voice cold. "And a detention is in order, I believe, for your insolence. With Mr. Filch, tomorrow night."

Harry nodded numbly and watched Severus walk away.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Severus stood just inside the door of his rooms, feeling the door closing itself off behind him. His hand twitched, fingers clenching around his wand. He needed to destroy something. He needed to do something. He leaned back against the wall, breathing heavily as he glared at the room. Flicking the wand he sent the couch slamming into the wall and sent his chair rolling until it hit his bedroom door. The bookshelf fell over and pages ripped out of books. Cushions exploded and the fire crackled dangerously. The doors slammed open and he strode across the room, kicking his chair aside and marching into his bedroom, swishing his wand around some more. Lamps crashed into the floor, bedside tables falling onto their sides and the drawers flying out of them.

He could destroy everything. It could all be easily fixed…Though he wasn't sure he wanted to fix anything. He summoned his brandy, frowning when he realized it was almost empty and summoned the firewhiskey as well.

Harry didn't trust him. He had every right not to. Harry hated him. As he should.

He was right. Severus was responsible for Lily's death. He was the reason Harry had nearly died…The reason the Dark Lord had gone after him.

How had he been so foolish? To fall in love with the very boy whose life he had ruined? Maybe he had dedicated his life since Lily's death trying to protect her son. But what could make up for doing what he had done? Nothing could redeem him. He had made the choice to follow the Dark Lord. He had chosen to tell him what he had heard. Maybe he tried everything he could to protect them, but what good had it done? The damage had been done. Nothing he could ever do would fix anything.

Severus should have known better. Nothing good would ever come to him. He didn't have any right to be happy. Love had never done him any good in life. He knew better. He tried and tried to stay away from Harry, but everything had pushed them together. It was just another part of his punishment, he supposed.

He threw his wand across the room, not watching where it landed. He didn't care much. He drank the last of his brandy and threw the bottle across the room, watching it shatter as it hit the wall, glass raining down onto the floor. Gripping the firewhiskey, he stormed into his bathroom. He set the bottle into the sink and ripped off his robes and pulled off his shirt. He extended his arm, glaring down at the Dark Mark. It was his curse and a symbol of every sin he had committed. It was his reminder that life would never and could never be good to him. He had no right. He didn't deserve anything.

With his free arm he grabbed the firewhiskey and gulped it down, welcoming the almost painful burn down his throat. When he was done he slammed the bottle down onto the floor and turned, pulling his arm back and punching the mirror as hard as he could. The stinging of the glass as it cut into his skin barely registered over the other pain tormenting him…it was a pain that ran much deeper and hurt much more. It pulled at his heart, like someone pulling at it, trying to rip him apart from the inside out. He felt sick to his stomach, nauseating with self loathing. He grasped the sides of the sink as his head spun, feeling a sharp pain as the glass imbedded in his hands pressed in deeper.

Harry would never forgive him…and Severus wasn't sure he wanted him to.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Hermione sighed heavily and closed her Ancient Runes book. Harry continued staring into the fire as he had been doing since he got back to Gryffindor Tower. He had never felt such an emotional and mental mess before in his life. He didn't know how to feel or what to think or _anything_. It was the most frustrating thing he had ever faced.

"Harry…I know it's upsetting, but…Harry, it was a long time ago," Hermione said gently. "He's been on our side for a long time now and he's been doing a lot to protect you and for the Order of the Phoenix. He's changed…He's different now. And he loves you."

"I know," Harry said, sighing and rubbing his temples. "I shouldn't have blown up like that."

"No, you shouldn't have," Hermione agreed.

"I just…I don't know what to do," Harry said. "I know he's different and that he's…He's good. He really is. But…He's still the man who is responsible for my parents…for…for all of this with Voldemort. My parents are dead because of him. Voldemort came after me because of him. That's _big_, Hermione. How are we…How are we supposed to handle that?"

Hermione frowned. "It is big, but…You love him, Harry."

"I do," Harry agreed.

"Don't let this ruin things then," Hermione said.

"How can I not?" Harry asked, turning to look at her for the first time that night. "I love him and…I don't want things to end, but…How can we be together? How can things work with…with this? When I know…what he did? How can we be together when he played such a big part in all of this?"

Hermione didn't say anything. She seemed just as troubled as he felt.

Everything had been going so perfectly. Christmas together had been amazing and even when it had ended, they had been enjoying their time together in lessons every day up until tonight. Harry had been so happy. He loved Severus and wanted nothing more than to be with him. But it felt so wrong to be with him, knowing what he now knew. Would he be betraying his parents to be with Severus? Would he be betraying himself? Could he ever truly feel comfortable with Severus with this between them? Would it work when Severus had done what he had done? Would it work with everything Harry had said tonight?

"Hermione?" Harry asked pleadingly. Hermione had answers for everything. She was brilliant…Surely she could be able to tell him if this could work or not.

"Harry…" Hermione said, sighing quietly. "I don't know what to tell you. Only you can know what will work for you."

"Bugger," Harry muttered, rubbing his hands over his face. He didn't know what to do…Hermione couldn't tell him.

It was hopeless.

Fingering the chain around his neck, Harry pulled his necklace out of his shirt, holding the lion and snake in his palm. The password had changed…Another Latin word, _Eversor_, that he didn't know the meaning of. He tightened his fingers over the pendant. What was Severus doing now? Harry could imagine walking down there to find out…Apologizing and forgiving and letting everything go back to the way it was.

Harry swallowed hard, feeling his heart break as he realized that it didn't make sense and that nothing could go back to the way it was. In that realization something inside of him broke and as tears stung his eyes, Harry desperately wished he could turn back time and erase everything…wished he could take away the knowledge. He wanted, needed, to fix this because Harry had no idea how he was going to deal with this.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **So, I'm not totally proud of this chapter. I struggled with it a lot and I'm not sure it turned out well, so I'd really appreciate if people would let me know how it is lol. I've been really hard on myself about this one. I liked the idea of it because it kind of got more drama going and things are interesting, but I love them being happy and it's always hard for me to hurt them like this. Harry and Severus are my favorite characters ever and I love them together so it was just really super hard to write lol.

Thanks to all of my reviewers! Vampirexsama, unreadmind, xXxElectraxXx, slytherinfighter2011, and Anniriel! You guys are awesome!

To vampirexsama: I'm glad you found it entertaining! And no worries, you'll see some mean, scary Snapey soon. Thanks so much! I'm so happy to be halfway through it!

To xXxElectraxXx: I'm glad you liked it. I like virgin Harry being awkward and inexperienced. It's how he should be lol. I personally think it's kinda hot so yeah lol. Realistic sex is the best in my mind so I'm glad others are liking it and seeing it.

To Anniriel: I'm so glad you started reading my story! I know you have a ways to go before you get to this chapter and see this (as I see you've been reviewing like every chapter, which I so love lol) but I do thank you for taking the time to read and review! I'm glad you're liking this so much and I'm SO glad to have another Kamelot fan reading this lol and that someone read the title and actually thought of the song I named this fanfic for. Super cool!

Chapter title lyrics from "Everyday is Exactly the Same" by Nine Inch Nails.


	51. Our Ties Have Come Undone

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Our Ties Have Come Undone _

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The following day, Harry did not want to get up. It had been impossible to sleep and not only was he exhausted, but dreading having to see Severus. He didn't know where they stood. He hardly even knew how he felt, let alone pausing to think how Severus might feel. The little bit of sleep he did get did not help his situation at all. He still had no idea what to do. He did know that he did not want to face Severus…or anyone, for that matter…today.

Still, he got up and went to breakfast, not daring to look at the Head Table. He engaged himself in conversation the best he could, despite wanting to be left alone by everyone. In hour before their first class, Harry met with Draco while Hermione headed off to Ancient Runes. Reluctantly he told Draco what had happened between Severus and himself. Draco wasn't too happy about it and wasn't any more helpful than Hermione had been.

"He's a good man, Harry. You can't judge him on something he did before you were even born," Draco said calmly, though Harry could tell he was struggling to keep his cool. Draco cared a lot about his godfather.

"It's not…Look, I know he's not evil or anything," Harry said. He had maybe blown up last night over it all and aimed at thinking as horribly of Severus as possible and making him feel as badly as possible, but Harry had since accepted that that wasn't Severus anymore. "It's just…it's hard. Imagine if Hermione had done something a long time ago that directly affected and hurt you and your family. Even though she changed, do you think it could be easy to be with her knowing she had done something that impacted your life so much?"

"He didn't kill them, Harry," Draco said quietly.

"He might as well have," Harry said coldly, irritated that Draco wasn't being more understanding. Before it could turn into a full blown argument, Harry walked off. He felt bad enough as it was without Draco making him feel worse. Maybe he deserved it…Sometimes he thought he did. Other times, he felt like he had every right to act the way he had. He walked out onto the grounds, pacing around nearby the lake. When the time came for Defense Against the Dark Arts, he headed back into the castle, feeling like he was walking to his death. His pulse raced and dread filled him more and more the closer he got to the classroom. Hermione walked over to meet him, holding his hand encouragingly and even Draco came up to stand with them, though none of them said anything and things with Draco still felt tense.

The door opened and Harry swallowed hard, letting Hermione pull him to the classroom behind everyone else. He paused in the doorway, eyes almost immediately meeting the dark eyes of Severus Snape.

"H…Harry?" Hermione said quietly.

"C'mon," Draco said, giving his arm a pull.

His head was spinning…He searched Severus's eyes, so full of pain that it pierced right through his heart. The rest of his face was blank, but the hurt the man was feeling was all too clear.

"I can't do this," he said quietly, backing out of the room and walking quickly down the corridor. Screw Gryffindor courage. He could face Voldemort. He could face dementors and monsters and every Dark creature out there with no problem. Facing Severus, though…Facing the man he loved…Facing someone he had hurt…Someone who had hurt him…He didn't like that he wasn't strong enough to face it…That he had run away. He didn't entirely regret it, though, as he returned to the lake. Walking by the water was a lot easier to handle than being in the man's presence. He could only imagine what Severus would have done if he had remained in the class.

When Defense ended, Draco and Hermione found him outside.

"You can't skip Defense all year, you know," Draco said.

"Yeah, I know," Harry muttered.

"Maybe you should talk to him," Hermione suggested.

"How can I talk to him when I don't have any of this figured out yet?" Harry demanded.

"Harry…You know he regrets it, don't you?" Draco said. "I don't think there's anything he regrets more. He loves you. He's different…"

"I know, Draco," Harry said through gritted teeth, thus ending the conversation. Draco didn't seem to understand and Harry wasn't going to waste his time explaining it. Hermione immediately launched into an explanation of what their lesson had been about, the chapters he would have to read to get more information about it (though Harry doubted the book would have more information than Hermione), and what their homework was.

"…Severus took so many points, too," Draco was saying as he described more interesting facts about the class. "Everyone is still a bit too interested in our relationship," he said, rolling his eyes. "Even took points from Lavender Brown for giggling, he was getting so annoyed."

"It was ridiculous," Hermione huffed. "You would think there would be more interesting things for them to talk about. Like-"

"The lesson?" Draco supplied with a grin.

Hermione flushed. "It was a very interesting lesson!"

Harry couldn't help but laugh.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The trio spent the rest of their break discussing tactics for approaching Slughorn and eventually it was time to face the man himself. Harry was feeling a bit better the time they walked down to the dungeons to Slughorn's classroom. Draco abandoned his usual group to sit with his girlfriend and best friend (they didn't seem too upset over the matter and Harry knew it was probably because he told them he was spying on them or whatever). Harry sat at one end beside Hermione who had Draco on her other side who was sitting next to Ernie Macmillan who was looking extremely uncomfortable beside the Slytherin.

"Settle down! Lots of work to do today!" Slughorn said. "Golpalott's Third Law…who can tell me-? Of course, Miss Granger!"

"Golpalott's Third Law states that the antidote for a blended poison will be equal to more than the sum of the antidote for each of the separate components," Hermione recited flawlessly.

"Precisely!" Slughorn beamed. "Ten points to Gryffindor! Now, if we accept Golpalott's Third Law as true…"

Harry was just going to have to figure that it was true, considering he had no idea what was being talked about. Not many people seemed to. Harry struggled to pay attention, but not much of what was being said made any sense at all. Something about making antidotes for poisons, but that was as far as Harry could tell. Eventually Slughorn announced they were to take a phial from his desk and make an antidote for the poison it carried by the end of class. Hermione was up and grabbing one for herself before anyone else seemed to know what was going on. Harry definitely was not the only one who was having problems. He swore he was getting a migraine just having to listen to it all. Finally he got up with the rest of the class and grabbed his own poison and the time Draco, Ernie, and Harry got back to the table, Hermione had already poured her own phial into her cauldron and was kindling a fire beneath it.

"It's a shame that the Prince won't be able to help you much with this, Harry!" Hermione said brightly, straightening up. "You have to understand the principles involved this time. No shortcuts or cheats!"

Harry's heart sank as he reached for his Potions book, remembering how that the Half Blood Prince was Severus. It didn't help that Hermione's attitude was extremely annoying. He glared at Draco when he chuckled and focused on pouring his own phial into the cauldron. He wasn't sure what to do next and just looked around, only getting into action when he heard Ernie mutter "_Specialis Revelio_!" and hastily went about doing the same.

It didn't take long for Harry to realize that Hermione was right and that his reputation was the best potion maker in class was about to go down the drain. He flipped through his potions book, but Severus apparently found the principles as easy as Hermione had, for no scribbles had been written around Golpalott's Third Law. He ignored Slughorn's disappointment when he came to check on Harry's cauldron and instead Harry desperately flipped through the pages, hoping to find something.

Finally, under a list of antidotes, he saw a small note scribbled. _Just shove a bezoar down their throats_. Harry snorted and found himself recalling a class with Severus when he explained what a bezoar was. "_A stone taken from the stomach of a goat, which will protect from most poisons_."

It wasn't exactly following instructions entirely, and had Severus been his teacher, not only would Harry have missed this lesson, but he definitely wouldn't dare try it…But desperate times called for desperate measures and maybe, just maybe, it could help his cause if Slughorn took it the right way. Harry hopped up and walked to the store cupboard and rummaged around a bit before finding a box labeled _bezoars_ and grabbed one before heading back to his table.

"Time's…UP!" Slughorn announced as he headed over to a table of Slytherins, checking their antidotes. Harry held the bezoar tightly in his hand while Hermione went about hastily adding a few more ingredients to her concoction.

After several minutes, Slughorn ended up in front of Harry. "And you, Harry! What have you got to show me?"

Harry held out his hand, the bezoar sitting on his palm. The entire class was silent and watching them while Slughorn stared down at the bezoar for a full ten seconds. Harry wondered whether he was going to shout at him. Then he threw back his head and roared out laughing. "You've got nerve, boy!" he boomed, taking the bezoar and holding it up for everyone to see. "Oh you're like your mother…Well, I can't fault you…A bezoar would certainly act as an antidote to all of these potions."

Hermione was livid. He glanced at her…Her face was sweaty, soot covered her nose, and her hair was bushier than usual and falling out of the bun she had pulled it back in. She was a disheveled mess. Her potion was better than anyone's and was only half finished with tons of ingredients, including a chunk of her own hair. She had been slaving over it and as it bubbled in her cauldron, Slughorn paid neither her or her creation any mind. He had only had eyes for Harry.

No one else seemed much happier than her.

Slughorn went on to compare Harry to his mother and how brilliant he apparently was. Harry shot apologetic looks to his friends who were too annoyed to look at him. He could worry about them later, he decided. It had worked, at least. Slughorn had taken it well and was in a cheery mood, it seemed. It could work well with his plan, which Hermione knew to be important.

"Time to pack up!" Slughorn announced. "And an extra ten points to Gryffindor for sheer cheek!"

Still chuckling, he waddled back to his desk at the front of the dungeon. Harry lingered behind, taking extra time packing up while everyone else left. Silently praying this would work, he shouldered his back and walked up to Slughorn's desk.

"Sir, I wanted to ask you something," he said.

"Ask away, then, my dear boy! Ask away!"

"Sir, I wondered what you know about…about Horcruxes?"

Slughorn froze. He licked his lips and refused to look at Harry, saying hoarsely, "What did you say?"

"I asked whether you know anything about Horcruxes, sir…You see-"

Slughorn immediately seemed to know what Harry was after and that Dumbledore had sent him. He was furious and panicked and refused to answer anything, adamantly announcing that the memory Dumbledore had was the truth and that there was nothing more to anything. Slughorn marched away and slammed the door before Harry could say much more. Sighing heavily, Harry trudged out of the room, unsurprised to find that Slughorn was nowhere to be seen. Checking the time, he headed towards the boy's lavatory before his next class.

When he approached the door, he heard familiar voices inside.

"You? _You're _ the one who's responsible for the cursed necklace?" Nott was saying.

"Hush, will you?" Draco hissed. "And yes, I am."

"Ha. Lot of good that did. Not only did it get into the wrong hands, but it didn't even kill Katie Bell, did it?" Nott said nastily.

"You know, this murder business isn't exactly as easy as it seems," Draco growled.

"Right," said Nott. "So, what else have you done?"

"That's none of your business," Draco said stiffly. "How did you even find out about this anyway? I didn't think Ezra Nott was important enough to be let in on these sorts of things."

"Yes, because a sixteen year old boy is so much more important and a skilled wizard like my father?" Nott demanded, sounding angry.

"Apparently," Draco said smugly.

"Hmm," said Nott. "At any rate," he continued stiffly, "I might be of some aid if you would just tell me your next plan?"

"My next plan is already in action," Draco said. "Poisoned mead."

"He's not dead yet," Nott was saying.

"It'll get to him eventually, alright? If I do anything more it would be too suspicious," Draco snapped. "You think killing Albus Dumbledore is an easy task? Why don't you go do it, then."

Harry's eyes grew wide. In a panic, he scrambled down the corridor when he heard movement and the voices growing louder. He jogged upstairs and headed right towards Gryffindor Tower. His heart was racing in his chest while the conversation replayed over and over in his mind. Draco had been trying to kill Dumbledore.

Passing the library, he ran right into Hermione as she was walking out. She glared at him, but before she could say anything, Harry pulled her aside and began whispering anxiously to her. "Draco's trying to kill Dumbledore!"

"What?" Hermione exclaimed.

"Shhhh!" Harry said. "I heard him in the bathroom talking to Nott! He was saying he was the one who…who gave Katie the necklace! Remember that? And he mentioned poisoned mead and Nott was offering help, but he definitely said 'You think killing Albus Dumbledore is an easy task?'!"

Hermione gaped at him in shock. "But…but I-"

"I know, I know…Just…I don't even know, Mione!" Harry said in frustration. "Just…be careful, okay? I need to go warn Dumbledore."

He felt bad about leaving Hermione alone and about telling her like that, but he felt she needed to know, especially if she was going to be alone with Draco again. It turned out Harry was a fool for Slytherins, he thought bitterly. His lover had been the man who told Voldemort about the prophecy and now Draco was working for Voldemort to kill Dumbledore! How had Harry trusted him? Shaking those thoughts out of his head, he headed straight towards Dumbledore's office, but as he neared it, he realized he didn't have the password.

"Erm…Cockroach clusters?" he said uncertainly to the gargoyle. That had been the password when he had his lesson yesterday.

"Wrong," the gargoyle told him. "But never you mind, the headmaster isn't in."

Of course. "Damn it," Harry muttered, but was determined not to give up. He paused only a moment to make his decision before running back down to the dungeons, luckily not running into Draco or Nott. He burst right into Severus's office, glad to find the man was there, even though he seemed as though he were about to head out.

"Potter-" the man said.

Harry slammed the door shut. "Severus, Draco is trying to kill Dumbledore."

"Professor Snape," Severus corrected in a dark tone. "And it is Professor Dumbledore or Headmaster Dumbledore. Twenty points from Gryffindor for disrespect."

"Did you fucking hear me?" Harry demanded.

"Another ten for foul language," Severus went on.

"HE'S TRYING TO KILL DU-"

A hand slapped over his mouth and Harry found himself pressed back against the door. "Careful, Potter."

Harry glared at him. "So. I was right then? You _are_ on his side, aren't you?" Harry laughed bitterly and shook his head. "You know, when I really thought about it, I thought I had that part wrong, but I guess not, huh?"

"Oh shut it," Severus snarled. "I am _not_ on the Dark Lord's side. And neither is Draco."

"BUT I HEARD HIM-"

The hand returned. "Why don't you think for a minute, Potter. Use that miniscule brain of yours for once in your lousy existence."

Harry glowered at him, resisting the urge to bite the hand. After a minute, Severus pulled his hand back. "You can't tell me I heard him wrong," Harry said, struggling to keep himself from shouting. "He said he was the one who gave Katie the cursed locket. He even said he had given Dumbledore poisoned mead or something."

Severus just stared at him thoughtfully for a moment before stepping back. "I thought Draco had told you he had taken the Mark."

"He did," Harry said slowly.

"What did he tell you about it?"

"Not much," Harry said. "He didn't want to talk about it!"

"Because he couldn't," Severus explained. "Draco is…in a way…acting as a spy…"

"So are you, but you're not trying to kill anybody," Harry snapped.

"The Dark Lord wishes Draco to kill the headmaster," Severus explained. "He can't very well do nothing…There has to be word of some attempt made. Draco informs me of everything, Harry…And we've taken care of it so far."

"Not enough, then, if Katie ended up in St. Mungo's," Harry reminded him, feeling suspicious still.

"Mistakes have been made," Severus admitted. "Foolish mistakes, but this is risky business. I would appreciate it if you would keep your mouth shut and leave this to those whose job it is."

"Right," Harry muttered, ready to just leave. He had half a mind to go to McGonagall after this.

"You really should learn to trust more, Potter. Constantly questioning the motives of those you deem close?" Severus said nastily. "I'm sure Draco will be pleased to hear how quickly you were willing to believe him to be evil."

"As pleased as you are, I'm sure," Harry muttered. "Not sure why it would matter to either of you. S'not like you've put much stock into trust."

"Get out, Potter."

"Gladly, _Professor_."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

When he was gone from Severus's office, he immediately headed back upstairs, though he wasn't really sure where he was going. He figured he could talk to Hermione first, before anything bad happened. Harry still wasn't too sure what to make on the issue of Draco, but he at least owed her to tell her what Severus had told him.

It appeared he was too late.

"And I'm supposed to believe that?" Hermione was shrieking.

Harry's stomach sank as he walked outside. Hermione and Draco were fighting not far from the castle, a group of onlookers nearby. Harry didn't figure much had been said, at least nothing the group could hear, as none of them were freaking out and accusing Draco of being a Death Eater.

"You're supposed to trust me!" Draco shouted. He glared at Harry when he saw him approach. "You both were."

"Draco, I-" Harry began.

"I don't want to hear it," Draco snarled.

"We're done here, anyway," Hermione snapped. She reached up and yanked off the necklace Draco had given her for Christmas and tossed it at his feet and ripped the bracelet from her wrist. "I should have known better."

"So should I," Draco muttered darkly, picking up the jewelry and storming off.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **Relationship troubles and now friendship troubles. Oh the joys. Hehehe. I couldn't help myself. Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed.

Thanks so much for reviewing Anniriel, xXxElectraxXx, , vampirexsama, unreadmind, and slytherinfighter2011!

To Anniriel: I'm glad you're enjoying the story…and reviewing all of the chapters as you go!

To xXxElectraxXx: I'm glad you found it heartbreaking lol. I wasn't sure how well it would really hit, so I'm glad it had the right affect!

To : I love you! Lol. Your review(s) made my day! I do apologize from keeping you from your studying lol and good luck on your test! I'm glad you're so, as you said, enraptured by my story and that you think so highly of it. One must always be hopeful of make up sex by the way lol. Anyway, thank you so much for your kind review and I hope you continue to enjoy my story.

To vampirexsama: Don't worry, it's far from my favorite, too, on so many levels lol. But you're right, it is important. It had to come out some time and I hate when in stories it comes out and Harry's just like "oh yeah, whatever." It's nice and all, but yeah…No matter how much he loves Severus, that's still a pretty big thing that affected him a great deal. I'm very glad you found it realistic, though. That's one of the biggest things with me is keeping everything as realistic as possible so it's nice to hear when I succeed.

To slytherinfighter2011: It's Sev and Harry…They're bound to hit a few bumps (mountains) in the road. Hehehe. Gotta keep it interesting…But I promise, I'm a huge snarry lover, so you don't have much to worry about.

Chapter title lyrics from "White Rabbit" by Egypt Central.


	52. Tell Me What to Sacrifice

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Tell Me What to Sacrifice _

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Hermione pursed her lips. "Someone got hurt, Harry. And someone else can very well get hurt. I can't just…just turn a blind eye to all of this." She groaned. "I don't even know what to think."

"Welcome to the club," Harry muttered, sitting beside Hermione on a couch in the Room of Requirement. It was one of the best places for privacy, they had learned, and Hermione had not wanted to deal with the stares and whispers of the other Gryffindors. "Do you still care about him?"

"I…shouldn't," Hermione said.

"But you do," he said with a sigh. He knew what that was like.

"Snape says he's…a spy, then?" Hermione asked.

"Mhm," Harry replied. "I just…I don't understand why. Draco can't go to meetings all the time, can he? And they already have Severus…"

"Yeah," Hermione said, sounding disappointed.

Harry didn't want to believe the worst of Draco, either, but what else made sense? He had heard Draco telling Nott about the things he had done to attempt to kill Dumbledore and someone had actually gotten hurt. Even if she hadn't died and even if it hadn't reached its target, he was still risking the safety of other people and Harry and Hermione did not like that at all. Still, Harry couldn't help but feel like there had to be something more. Was he foolish for thinking it? For hoping it?

Draco really had gotten them both good.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The next day was the day of the Gryffindor-Huffelpuff match, and Harry had honestly never loved Quidditch more. The excitement of game day rolled over him and all thoughts of Severus and Draco were in the background where they belonged. Cormac McLaggen was an annoying git, who kept trying to give him "advice" about what they should do for the game and eventually Harry and the rest of the team took to ignoring him. Luckily no one mentioned to him or Hermione what had happened with Draco, but Harry figured that was only temporary. Everyone was too excited about the day's game to focus on "silly school drama." Only Lavender and Parvati were whispering and eying Hermione, but didn't dare approach her.

Eventually it was time to head down to the changing rooms and as Harry stood up, Hermione stood with him and grabbed him, giving him a big hug before planting a chaste kiss on his lips. Harry blinked in surprise and couldn't help but notice the way her eyes darted to the Slytherin table. Harry followed suit and glanced at Draco who was looking away pointedly and let his eyes travel to the Head Table, searching out Severus who sat as stiffly as ever, glowering at Huffelpuffs who weren't doing anything.

"Just wanted to say good luck, Harry," Hermione said with a forced grin. "I know you'll do brilliantly!"

"Erm…Thanks," Harry said, nodding to her and following the rest of his team and some of the Huffelpuffs out of the Great Hall towards their respective changing rooms.

"So are you and Hermione starting up all that funny business again?" Ginny asked irritably as she grabbed her own scarlet robes.

"We're just friends," Harry told her sternly.

"Right," Ginny said, rolling her eyes. "She used you to make Ron jealous when he was dating Susan. What makes you think she isn't doing the same now that she and Malfoy ended things?"

"She's _not_," Harry said, sighing heavily. He sighed when he realized he had the whole team's attention. "We're just friends…Really good friends, but just that."

"Good friends you shag," Ginny muttered.

"What? I haven't shagged Hermione!" Harry shouted. "One little kiss…Not even any sort of kiss to talk about…and everyone thinks we're shagging?"

"Well, all things considered, I don't know what to think," Ginny told him.

"I don't know why it even matters to you," Harry said coldly.

"You're my friends and I'm worried about you both!" Ginny snapped.

"Right," Harry said.

"Don't start with me, Harry," Ginny said, her eyes flashing. "Don't make this something stupid about me fancying you. I'm over it, okay? I have Dean and we're happy…I'm honestly not interested anymore! But I do think it would be a mistake for you two to go back to how things were."

"We're not…Ginny, I promise. She even tried to start it up again this past summer when she was so upset over Ron, but I stopped her…I'm serious, Ginny, I have no intention of letting things go there again," Harry said in exasperation. Ginny did have a point and Harry did worry that maybe Hermione _would_ try something again. But Harry also knew he would deny her. He honestly had no desire to go back to how things used to be between them.

"Alright," Ginny said after a minute, though she didn't seem entirely convinced.

"Go get ready, the game starts soon," Harry instructed, grabbing his own robes.

While he changed, he gritted his teeth together and listened to Cormac go on and on, telling everyone what they needed to be doing.

"Ginny, make sure to keep an eye out for Hastings…He seems to favor going after the smaller people. Demelza, remember you haven't been doing good on…"

Harry tried to tune him out, but it was really getting to be the last straw. They went through this every game and Harry was ready to get rid of Cormac. The man thought he was Merlin's gift to Quidditch, but he wasn't that good. Sadly, he was the best Keeper that had tried out and Harry had yet to find anyone better.

"Looks like it's going to be tricky conditions out there," Cormac went on to say. "Coote, Peakes, you'll want to fly out of the sun, so they don't see you coming-"

"I'm the Captain, McLaggen, shut up giving them instructions!" Harry snapped angrily. "If I hear you bossing around one more of my teammates…" He trailed off threateningly and glared at Cormac who just glowered back in response.

Harry led his team out to the pitch and realized that Cormac was right. When it seemed the Keeper was out of hearing distance, he turned to Coote and Peakes. "Make sure you _do_ fly out of the sun," he told them grudgingly.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Severus sat in the stands, unfortunately seated right next to Horace Slughorn with his godson on his other side. Horace was chatting amiably about Slytherin's chances at the Cup this year and who would have to lose by how much and what they'd have to do the rest of the season to win. A good group of his older Slytherin students gathered around to join in on the conversation, but Severus paid them little mind, only answering direct questions. He was not in the mood to even be here, yet he had come. His dark eyes were drawn down when the Gryffindor team came out, watching as Harry went forward to shake hands with the Huffelpuff captain.

"…only I fear Potter is a very talented Seeker. No surprise, of course, but that makes this awfully tricky," Horace was blabbering.

"He's not _that_ good," Blaise argued.

"My dear boy!" chuckled Horace. "Surely you can see past rivalry enough to see pure talent when you see it."

"He _is_ rather brilliant," Daphne Greengrass confessed, to the disapproval of her classmates. "Well he _is_."

"Right, my girl," Horace was saying. "But never mind that. There are always ways around even the most skilled. I have the utmost faith in my old House."

The lively conversation continued even when Madam Hooch's whistle blew, but Draco and Severus had no part in it. Draco's silver eyes scanned through the Gryffindor crowd, in search of where his brilliant, bushy haired ex girlfriend could be while Severus's obsidian eyes followed Harry Potter's trail through the sky as best as he could. It was one of very few times he could truly enjoy watching Harry and not have to worry about anyone else noticing…Even if watching him was pure torture.

The brat was infuriating, Severus had to admit. Always jumping to conclusions…Always acting before thinking…Always so reckless and temperamental and _stupid_. But Severus loved him for it. It was a bit irritating that he had gone and messed things up with Draco…Now, more than ever, Draco needed his friends and all because of a stupid misunderstanding, Draco had lost the two people most important to him. This task for the Dark Lord was hard on him and he needed their support now, more than ever. Severus supposed he could understand a bit of why they would get so upset and he did have a lengthy discussion with Draco last night about being more careful about the things he said, to whom, and where.

His brat was a brilliant flier, though, and Severus focused on that more than all of their issues. He felt his heart ache in his chest as he watched the boy move gracefully on his broom, swooping down and soaring back up and spinning around brilliantly on his Firebolt. He wanted him badly. God, he couldn't even remember missing Lily this badly when things had gone sour between them. It was as though someone had ripped a vital organ from his body and was torturing it repeatedly for him to watch in agony. The sheer desperation with which he missed the boy was beyond pathetic and ridiculous.

Loony Lovegood, the match's commentator, announced that Harry was having an argument with the Gryffindor Keeper, McLaggen. Sure enough, Severus blinked and realized that Harry had stopped and was yelling at McLaggen. He nearly got hit by a Bludger, since he was so distracted, but he managed to duck out of the way just in time before zooming off, resuming his hunt for the Snitch. Severus hardly cared for the apparent drama among the Gryffindor Quidditch team, though the Slytherins were amused by it.

"I don't know how they made Potter captain," Pansy was saying. "He can barely control his team."

"Not everyone is destined for good leadership qualities," Millicent added with a snicker.

"Whatever it is, it's going to do us a lot of good," Daphne commented.

"It's at least entertaining," her sister Astoria was saying.

The Slytherins found themselves plenty entertained just minutes later. Loony Lovegood announced that McLaggen had grabbed one of the Beater's bats, to everyone's shock. Harry turned to yell at him some more and Severus's eyes grew wide as McLaggen swung at a Bludget and mishit it, sending it straight towards Harry. There were screams and gasps as the ball hit him in the side of the head and he fell from his broom.

"MERLIN! DID YOU SEE THAT?" Pansy exclaimed, cackling.

"That was amazing!" Daphne said through a fit of giggles.

"That is the most ridiculous…" Horace was muttering.

Severus just stared, hearing nothing, not even blinking. Everything seemed to freeze. He could feel rage slowly burning up deep within him. His wand hand twitched, just tempted to pull out his wand and curse McLaggen and send every one of the Quidditch balls after him. He breathed evenly, struggling to keep control of himself. He couldn't blow up…That would be too obvious. It would create too many questions. Everything within him screamed with the urge to run to Harry's side and punish the fool who had gotten him hurt, but all he could do was sit by and _watch_. Madams Hooch and Pomfrey ran out onto the field where Harry lay motionless, shooing away the team who had gathered around him.

He did take some pleasure in the way the Gryffindors immediately rounded on McLaggen, requiring Minerva and Albus both to appear to settle it down as the team ganged up on him. He was a bit disappointed the group was being broken up. He would have enjoyed seeing more damage done to McLaggen.

He had seventh year Gryffindors late Monday afternoons. He had plenty of time to think of appropriate ways of punishing McLaggen and finding good excusable reasons for doing so. Even if he had to get one of his Slytherins to interfere.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Sharp pain led to blackness and the next thing Harry knew he was laying on a warm and comfortable bed, staring up at a familiar ceiling.

"Oh thank goodness!" Hermione exclaimed. "Madam Pomfrey, he's awake!"

"How are you feeling, Harry?" Ginny asked quietly from his other side.

"Awful," Harry murmured, blinking and looking around. The hospital wing, of course. The sky outside was indigo streaked with crimson. The match must have ended hours ago. Harry groaned and reached out to pat his head, feeling something heavy and stiff wrapped there. "What happened?"

"Cracked skull," Madam Pomfrey said, bustling over and walking over to him so that Hermione had to scoot her chair back. She pushed him back against his pillows and immediately began fluffing them and straightening his blankets. "Nothing to worry about, I mended it at once, but I'm keeping you in overnight. You shouldn't overexert yourself for a few hours."

"I don't want to stay here overnight!" Harry said angrily, sitting up and throwing back the covers. "I want to find McLaggen and kill him."

"I'm afraid that would come under the heading over 'overexertion,'" Madam Pomfrey said, pushing him back down and straightening his blankets again before raising her wand in a threatening manner. "You will stay here until I discharge you, Potter, or I shall call the headmaster."

Harry glared after her as she bustled back to her office and sank back into his pillows, fuming. He hated Cormac McLaggen. Hated him, hated him, hated him. "How much did we lose by?" he asked through clenched teeth.

"Three hundred and twenty to sixty," Ginny replied gloomily.

"Brilliant!" Harry said savagely. "Really brilliant! When I get a hold of McLaggen-"

"Oh don't worry about McLaggen," Ginny said with a wicked smile. "I _am_ notorious for my Bat Bogey Hex, am I not?"

"And he'll be sporting pink hair for a few days," Hermione added with a grin.

"Dean managed to have him sprout some pretty nasty warts," Ginny went on, giggling.

"Lavender was crying when she finally saw him," Hermione laughed.

"McGonagall and Dumbledore made us stop, though," Ginny said.

"Though they didn't really give us much of a punishment," Hermione added. "Course Dumbledore left it to McGonagall and I don't think she was much happier with him, either."

"I think _she_ was tempted to hex him," Ginny said.

"I wish she would have," Hermione muttered.

"Hermione!" Ginny scolded with a grin.

"What? He is a complete git!" Hermione said, flushing.

Harry just smiled, relaxing a bit as his friends talked and enjoying himself in imagining the damage they had all done to McLaggen.

"At least we still have a chance of winning the Cup," Ginny said.

"At least he's _alive_," Hermione said, shaking her head. She didn't quite understand the importance of Quidditch, did she?

The three spent an hour or so talking about the match and awful things to do to McLaggen before mentioning that Draco had come in to see him for a minute.

"He left when Ginny and I came by," Hermione explained.

"Don't know _why_ he came," Ginny muttered.

Harry and Hermione had nothing to say to that.

Eventually, Madam Pomfrey shooed out Hermione and Ginny since visiting hours were over and encouraged Harry to get some rest. Leaving the exciting conversations of his friends, Harry didn't feel overly tired, but found that with the lights being put out and finding himself alone in the infirmary, he was a lot more tired than he originally thought. He shifted around in bed to find a comfortable position and pulled his blankets all around him, closing his eyes.

He was on the verge of sleep when the door creaked open and he grunted and squinted his eyes open. Almost as soon as he did, he shut them again. Was that…Severus? It was hard to tell, but even in the darkness, Harry was convinced he knew the man. His heart skipped a beat in his chest and he licked his lips before trying to lay as still as possible, trying to pretend to be asleep. He wasn't sure Severus would stay if he knew Harry was awake. He felt so anxious, his needs strong. The need to move around, to speak, to look at the man he loved…Harry wasn't sure what to make of their relationship at this point in time, but that didn't mean he stopped loving him.

He swallowed when he felt Severus near him, hearing the rustling of his robes. Could Severus hear his heart beating? It was so loud and hard in Harry's mind that he'd be surprised if the whole school couldn't hear it. Severus made no acknowledgement that Harry was awake and he hoped it stayed that way, waiting eagerly for whatever it was Severus would do. He was wide awake now, determined to enjoy what time he could from Severus. It wasn't ideal, but Harry figured this was the best he was going to get until he could figure everything out.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The boy was not cut out to be an actor. Severus smiled softly to himself, reaching out to brush his fingers gently through Harry's dark hair. He caught the movement of Harry's Adam's apple as he swallowed and the twitch in his cheek. He wasn't snoring or moving around wildly every few minutes to find a new position. His breathing was a bit too forcibly calm…And Severus could feel the racing of his pulse as he trailed his fingers down Harry's neck and over his pulse point.

It was a ridiculous game, but Severus would play along. If Harry was awake…If Severus acknowledged that Harry was awake, they would have to face this. They would have to deal with the problem that had come between them. Severus at least took some comfort, some hope with him, that Harry wasn't wide awake and screaming at him some more. He didn't have to see those green eyes he adored narrowed and ablaze with such anger and hatred.

He swallowed as he reached out to trace his fingers across his young lover's face. Tracing gently over his full lips. He wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed beside him and hold him in his arms. But that would be too much…Neither of them could really go along pretending if he did that much. Instead he quietly pulled a chair to Harry's bedside and watched him for a few minutes.

What was he even doing here? This was pure torture. He wanted nothing more than he wanted Harry Potter and the chance was great the he would never have him again. Severus had really messed it up, hadn't he? Maybe it was for a crime he had committed almost twenty years ago, but the damage was done. How could he ever expect Harry to look at him the same way knowing what he had done? Changed or not, Severus understood what it meant. He had yet to forgive himself for Lily's death, still hated himself more than anything for what he had done to her…How could he expect anyone else to get over it so easily?

The pain tore at him, an awful throbbing deep within his soul. He needed to leave. He needed to hold Harry close and kiss him until they both forgot the world. He needed to do something other than sitting there, basking in his own agony and tormenting himself by staring at the young man he knew he loved more than he had ever loved anyone or anything else.

Just being near Harry was enough. It was so much more than he deserved. He didn't belong here. What was he thinking? What must Harry be thinking of all of this?

Despite his many thoughts on the matter, of how he didn't need to be here, he stayed right where he was and reached out, tracing his fingers over Harry's hand…He didn't allow himself to do much more than that.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **So…Think things will be good with our favorite couple anytime soon? Only one way to find out…REVIEW AND STAY TUNED FOR MORRRE! Hehehe.

Anyway big thanks to my reviewers: Mai Sensei, vampirexsama, xXxElectraxXx, slytherinfighter101, and Anniriel!

To : I'm sorry to hear that lol but I still hope things go better than you expect. I also love that you're so irritated with Harry lol. I feel like I do a good job as a writer when people freak out that way lol! Anyway, I try to update at least once a day so you shouldn't have much to worry about on my fast updating.

To vampirexsama: You have a good taste in music lol. I'm glad you agree that Harry would have reacted that way…Let's me know I'm keeping him in character and that I'm doing my job well lol. I understand you're feeling about not being so at ease with the chapter, as the previous two were very hard to write, but I'm glad you're still reading and enjoying (in a way) lol.

To xXxElectraxXx: Harry, I think, was just too caught up in everything else to really notice much…I don't think it's anything new to have Sevy pushing him into walls and doors and such things, if you know what I mean ;) lol.

To slytherinfighter101: I'm sorry your heart hurts L but I am sort of glad that it's getting such a strong emotional reaction from people lol. I feel like I'm doing my job as a writer when I can inspire such things. Anyway…I won't say much on what I have planned for Dumbles so you'll just have to wait and seeeee.

To Anniriel: Glad you're still reading and reviewing everything lol! And that you're enjoying the story so much!

Chapter title lyrics from "Center of the Universe" by Kamelot.


	53. Love is the Real Pain

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Love is the Real Pain _

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Come Monday, Harry felt better prepared to attend Defense Against the Dark Arts. His memory of the night with Severus in the hospital wing made him feel a bit more at ease with his lover…ex lover…Whatever Severus was at the moment. He was a bit disappointed to find he had sent Ginny with a note saying they would not have lessons that weekend and instead would resume Monday night, but he found that the time away did him some good and helped clear his head a bit. He still hadn't figured much out, but he had at least gotten his mind off of things and enjoyed himself a bit (especially seeing the results of his team's treatment of Cormac McLaggen). He spent a lot of time walking the grounds with Hermione or practicing Quidditch with the team or even flying around just for fun with Ginny while Hermione watched on. Both Hermione and Harry seemed intent on forgetting their romantic problems and had dedicated the weekend to doing just that.

"You are going to Defense today, aren't you?" Hermione asked quietly at breakfast.

"Erm…Yeah. I think so," Harry said.

"Good," Hermione said with a pleased smile.

After breakfast, Hermione headed off to Ancient Runes and Harry was left to hang around outside with a group of sixth and seventh years including Neville, Seamus, Dean, Lavender, Parvati Cho, Marietta, Susan, Hannah, Terry, and Ernie all laughing and having a good time. The closer it got to being time to head off to Defense, the more nervous Harry felt. He knew he could handle it today, but it was still a bit nerve-wracking to be in the man's class again after being apart for a few days and especially after everything that had transpired between them.

He walked to class with Neville and the others who had the class with him, trying to keep up with the conversation and not focus so much on how anxious he was feeling. When they got to the classroom, Hermione was already waiting there, shooting an encouraging smile his direction. He parted from the group and walked over to her, letting her take his hand, snorting when he noticed the way her eyes darted over to where Draco stood talking to Nott and Zabini.

"This never worked for us before, you know," Harry said, giving her hand a small squeeze.

"I don't know what you mean," Hermione said, giving him a small glare. Harry didn't bother pressing the issue; it didn't matter much as long as she didn't try snogging him or anything.

Only a few minutes later, Severus let them into class. Pulse picking up speed again, Harry swallowed but walked determinedly into the room with Hermione. "Well, well, Potter decides to grace us with his presence once again," Severus sneered as Harry and Hermione passed him. "Finally realizing you're not too good to attend my class?"

A chill rolled down Harry's spine and he turned to glare at Severus, but Hermione pulled him to a seat and tugged him down. He reluctantly sat, a bit confused and irritated by Severus's attitude. This was the sort of thing he had worried about last week. Severus hadn't seemed that upset with him when he was watching him and touching him in the infirmary only a couple of days ago. Harry glanced around the class as everyone settled in…He got a few sympathetic looks from most people and snickers from the Slytherins, but it didn't seem to be anything to new to anyone else. Only Draco shot Severus a confused look and Hermione was frowning and watching the professor uncertainly, glancing at Harry every few seconds, as though making sure he was okay and not prepared to bolt.

"Tell me, Potter. Did you even read your book or take notes on the lesson you missed?" Severus asked as he walked to the front of class.

"Erm…"

"I thought not. Do you have any clue just what it was you missed?"

Harry scowled at him. They were back to this, were they? "I didn't think it would matter, sir. You're usually too busy yelling at people instead of actually teaching, so I thought it wouldn't hurt."

If Severus wanted to be an asshole, Harry was not going to back down from it. Was this yet another effort to push Harry away? Harry supposed he had every right to. His stomach sank at the thought. Somehow Severus thought it was easier to be a prick about things…To save himself from the pain. A little late for that, Harry figured. He honestly didn't see the point in any of this. He knew he had hurt Severus, but it wasn't Harry's fault Severus had wasted his time and talents helping Voldemort.

Black eyes flashed angrily and Harry felt a rush of wrathful excitement surge through him. The gasps of his classmates, the stares, the snickering…Nothing really mattered, noting got through to Harry. It was only him and Severus.

"Detention, I think, Mr. Potter. With Mr. Filch…I'll let him decide when," Severus said smoothly.

"What? Too scared to do it yourself?"

Severus raised his eyebrow and smirked coldly. "And what would scare me about a sixteen year old boy?"

"Plenty, I imagine," Harry replied, biting his tongue to keep from saying anything that would get either one of them in serious trouble. _Oh, I don't know. Scared that I'll hurt you. Scared of the truth. Scared of facing the fact that you have to pay for what you did. Scared of the fact that you love me. Scared that you ruined everything. Scared that you'll lose control._

"That just goes to show how…_foolish _you really are, Potter," Severus snarled.

"Harry, stop!" Hermione pleaded in a whisper.

"Well, I don't know why else you'd give me detention with Filch. I'm sure you could do a lot more damage than he could. You always enjoy cruel, unfair punishments just like any other evil prick would," Harry snapped.

"Harry!" This time it was Draco.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor. And why don't we make it a month's worth of detentions?" Severus said through clenched teeth.

"Let's," Harry said boldly. His whole body felt hot, arms trembling in his anger. Maybe he was going too far, but it didn't matter much right now. "I'm not that worried about Filch."

"Oh no. You wanted detention with me, then you'll have it," Severus snarled, walking closer, a dangerous look on his face. "Though I assure you, it will be far from pleasant."

"I wouldn't expect anything else from you," Harry assured him.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

He could put up with Harry for a month…A month of _real_ detentions, he assured himself. He would have to put up with him daily anyway because of lessons, why not make him suffer a bit along with it?

That was what he wanted…To make Harry suffer.

No. He would never want Harry to suffer.

Severus turned and swept back to the front of the room before he could do any more damage. He was already breaking a very important promise he had made himself…That he wouldn't hurt Harry. That he would make him happy. But Harry was already hurt and nothing Severus could do would make it better. Why not do this? Why not make it easier on himself?

But it wasn't. It _wasn't_ making it easier on him. Sadly, it was his natural reaction when it came to pain. Hurt them before they could hurt you…or in this case, hurt him _more_. That night visiting Harry in the hospital wing had broken him. He couldn't do it…Being nice to the brat. Just being near him and enjoying him. The resulting pain was too much to bear. He _couldn't_ do it. He couldn't go through with it. Screw all of the promises he had ever made. What did they even matter? He had sworn to protect Harry when Lily died, but look where that had gotten him. Lily's sacrifice meant nothing because Harry was going to die anyway. He had sworn to make Harry happy, but because of actions that had taken place before he was even born, he could never make Harry happy again.

_This_ was why he didn't let people get close. This was the bad thing about love. Love consumed you. It possessed you. It drove you mad. And it led you down a path of self destruction.

He had been unhappy before, but he had never known misery the way he knew it when Lily gave up on him, when Lily died, and when Harry realized the truth. Only love could do this to a person. Albus Dumbledore was a fool, thinking that something like love could do anyone any good. It would only ever _destroy_. It made you weak. It could even kill you. It could make even the strongest of men do things they never dreamed of…things they would have never done before. It turned even the greatest witches and wizards into fools.

Just having the boy sitting in his class was pure agony. How desperately he needed him. The urges were more powerful than anything he had ever known. To hold him and kiss him and love him…Apologize over and over for his mistakes and swear on everything that he would do anything to make it up to him. He would do anything to make him smile. To see those emerald eyes light up.

How pathetic was he?

How could a man as strong as he…as skilled as he…as _feared_ as he fall victim to…_this_? How could he have been driven to such a pathetic and defenseless state?

All of this pain and weakness…It infuriated him.

Maybe he was being irrational. Maybe he was being horrible. But he could do nothing else. It took every restrain the had to pull away from his argument with Harry. With _Potter_. "Turn to page 459," he growled, unable to keep the vehemence from his voice.

He watched as his students pulled out their books and turned the pages. Potter sat there with his arms crossed, just glaring at him. Granger leaned over to begin whispering earnestly to him.

"Granger! Ten points for talking in my class and a detention you can serve with Potter for not following instructions," he growled.

There. It might be easier to have someone else there.

Granger's eyes grew wide. She had never had detention before had she? With friends like Potter and Weasley (what used to be Weasley, anyway), it was shocking she didn't end up in more trouble than she had in her school career.

"Yes, sir," Granger said, shock clear in her voice and she began hastily pulling out her own text.

"Potter. Too good to follow instructions?" Severus demanded.

Harry said nothing, but Granger immediately leaned in to begin whispering to him again. "Another detention, Granger," Severus said. Granger sighed heavily and turned to face the class, looking incredibly upset. Harry reluctantly leaned down to grab his book and practically threw it onto his desk and began flipping the pages.

"Another twenty points from Gryffindor, for astonishing disrespect," Severus added, feeling a bit pleased with himself with that. His Slytherins were laughing by this point and Severus just offered them a grin, ignoring the stunned look Draco was shooting in his direction.

He didn't understand…couldn't and wouldn't understand. And he didn't have to.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The class went by at a torturously slow pace, but finally he was able to let the brats go. Severus sat behind his desk and watched them pack up, somehow unsurprised that Potter and Granger lingered behind. Severus refused to look at them, instead glowering at Longbottom and Finnigan as they left the room behind everyone (or rather almost everyone, considering Potter and Granger decided to stay behind) else.

"I am aware of your lesson with the headmaster tonight, Potter. You and Granger may report for detention tomorrow night at seven," Severus said stiffly.

"Why are you being such an arse?" Harry demanded boldly.

Severus raised his eyebrow. "Ten points."

"Harry, please don't-" Granger said.

"Another detention, Granger," Severus snapped.

Granger's eyes narrowed at him. "I didn't even-"

"And another," he said, smirking as she pressed her lips together tightly.

"Leave her out of this," Potter snapped. "What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing. I'm always like this," Severus reminded him coolly.

"You weren't a prick when you are at my bedside a few days ago," Potter snapped.

"A couple of days ago," Severus corrected. "And I knew you were awake, Potter. You'll have to work on that bit some more if you intend to actually convince someone…_anyone_."

"You're trying to push me away again, is that it?" Harry demanded.

"I wasn't aware I needed to try anymore…I thought I had already succeeded there," Severus snarled. His dark eyes glittered dangerously as he leaned forward to hiss, "I got your parents killed and then I used you as a delectable little fuck-toy before I hand you over to the Dark Lord as I did them."

There was shocked silence. Potter and Granger just gaped at him and Severus rolled his eyes. "Get out. _Now_."

Granger had the decency to grab Potter and drag him out of the room. Severus watched them go and grabbed a book from his desk, hurling it at the door as it closed. He watched it fall to the floor and struggled to keep himself in check as he grasped the arms of his chair tightly. This was only his second class of the day…He still had a long ways to go before he could rest easy.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"Harry…What on _earth_ was that?" Hermione demanded as they walked down the corridor.

"I'm not going to let him treat me like shite just because he's upset with me," Harry grumbled. Now that it was all over with, he did feel a bit dumb for having snapped the way he did. He was upset, sure, and he really should have expected Severus's behavior.

Things weren't really easy for either of them since this all started.

"He's a teacher!" Hermione scolded. "And he's _Snape_, at that!"

"He's my _lover_," Harry corrected her. Even though lover sounded so weird to say. Better than boyfriend, but not by much.

"Is he?" Hermione asked, raising her eyebrow.

"I dunno," Harry confessed with a frown. He and Severus hadn't officially ended things, had they? It certainly seemed like it, though.

Hermione sighed. "Look, I know it's hard, but you can't let him get to you like that."

"I don't see how it's much different from you grabbing my hand or kissing me every time Draco sees you."

Harry hardly even realized what he said until he saw Hermione storming off away from him.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Harry and Hermione didn't talk for the rest of the day. Her irritation with him only grew in Potions when he, again, bested her. He did attempt to apologize, but Hermione stayed as far from him as possible throughout the day. Ginny stayed with her and shot him dirty looks, so Harry figured Hermione had told her, or at least told her that Harry had done something. It didn't help that the entire house was mad at him and Hermione for losing so many points and the whole school was talking about the scene in the Defense Against the Dark Arts class. Even Professor McGonagall had to stop him and say something.

"Potter, I am shocked that you would be so disrespectful to a professor," she had said.

"It's not like he didn't deserve it," Harry had muttered.

"What has gotten into you, Potter?" McGonagall demanded, stunned. "I certainly hope your attitude is cleaned up soon."

By the end of the day his bad mood had worsened and the last thing he wanted to do was go to Professor Dumbledore's office. He trudged to the headmaster's office grumpily that night, glaring nastily as he passed Mr. Filch and Mrs. Norris on the way.

"Pumpkin pasties," he muttered to the gargoyle before letting himself upstairs to Dumbledore's office.

"Ah, sit down, Harry," Dumbledore said kindly.

Harry nodded stiffly and sat down.

"I hear you've been having a rough day," Dumbledore said.

"Mhm," Harry said, rubbing his temples. Keeping control of his temper was increasingly difficult.

"I suppose I should tell you that you need to keep a better hold of your temper and to be respectful to your teachers," Dumbledore said. "You and Severus both have your issues…I'm amazed it took you both so long to hit this sort of snag," he said with a smile. "Though we do have other things to discuss, Harry. Firstly, have you managed the task I set you at the end of our previous lesson?"

"Ah," Harry said, a sinking feeling coming to him. He had completely forgotten about getting Slughorn's memory. "Well, I asked Professor Slughorn about it at the end of Potions, sir, but, er, he wouldn't give it to me."

"I see," Dumbledore said. "And you feel that you have exerted your very best efforts in this matter, do you? Th-"

"Er…Probably not," Harry confessed.

"Hmm," Dumbledore said. "I had hoped that I had made it clear that this was an important memory to retrieve. Absolutely necessary to these lessons."

Hot, prickly shame filled him from his head downwards, mingling awfully with his irritation that had settled most of the day. "Sorry," he said stiffly, unsure if he should feel more guilty or more angry. The latter seemed to be taking over, though, as it had been doing most of today. This horrible, terrible day. It spread a path of blinding fire through him. "I'm really bloody sorry I've had too much stuff on my mind."

"Of course," Dumbledore said quietly. "Other things on your mind."

"Yes, other things!" Harry snapped. "I'm only taking NEWT classes like every other sixth year. Not only that, but I apparently have some prophecy to fulfill and extra classes with you and with Severus…Yes, classes with the man I love who hates me right about now. The man I love killed my parents and I hardly know what to do with that so I made him hate me. And I made my best friend hate me. And now HERMIONE probably hates me, too. S'not like I didn't bother trying at all, but he won't bloody listen to me! Denies the whole thing! Maybe if you could give me a little hint as to what MIGHT work then MAYBE I could do something right for once! The great Albus Dumbledore can't do it, so obviously Harry Potter will be able to! A si-"

"Enough," Dumbledore said, tone quiet but stern and Harry found himself closing his mouth and swallowing angrily. "You must understand that this is a _very important_ memory, Harry. More important than you might understand. I realize you have other things going on in life…You are young…Certainly too young to be in the middle of all of this. But we all must make sacrifices. This is war, Harry. This is the future of our world. Even if you don't realize it yet, these memories I am showing you mean a great deal. Now, I would appreciate it if you would place this task into your top priorities…I shouldn't be too hard for you to manage, Harry. Professor Slughorn favors you a great deal. It's all a matter of finding the right manner of going about things."

"Right," Harry said stiffly.

Dumbledore sighed and was silent a moment. "I know you have had a very difficult day, Harry. If you would prefer to do this another time, I will allow you to leave."

"Thanks," Harry said, not daring to look at Dumbledore as he stood. "I'll get you that memory." If only to keep from having another meeting like this. As he walked out of the room he clenched his fists in response to hearing one of the portraits (probably Phineas Nigellus) mutter something about disrespectful teenagers.

He wanted to punch the wall all the way down the corridor. Halfway upstairs he turned and looked back at where he had come from and swallowed hard, the realization of what he had done coming in with a sudden chill. He shivered and just stood there for a moment.

He was really losing it, wasn't he?

He was just so mad. Mad at himself. Mad at everyone else. He had a lot going on and he slipped up once and Dumbledore was making him feel horrible! Be it the man's intention or not, Harry had felt awful about the whole thing and it just made him all the more angry. Hadn't he felt enough bad things for one day? Hadn't he gone through enough? Now everyone was upset with him. Severus, Draco, Hermione, Ginny, McGonagall, Dumbledore…

He was a fuck up, that was why.

Harry sighed heavily and rubbed his temples. He took a step back down the stairs, tempted to go apologize to Dumbledore, but thought better of it. He wouldn't blame Dumbledore if he didn't want to see him right now, and Harry supposed he had to start thinking of a way for Slughorn to give him his memory. Reluctantly he trudged back upstairs and headed towards Gryffindor Tower. He needed to fix things…at least with one person. Because right now, he felt very much alone and he knew he had earned it.

Harry cringed as he thought about today…about everything he had said and done. He remembered everything he had fucked up on lately. He couldn't remember a more awful feeling than right now, headed towards the common room with all of this in mind. McGonagall was right, he really did need to clean up his act. Letting his feelings spiral out of control wasn't doing anyone any good, especially not himself.

Hermione wasn't there when he got in and he couldn't help feeling a bit disappointed. He could apologize tomorrow then, he thought. He didn't bother sticking around and instead headed to the boy's dormitory. He walked right to his bed and flopped down on it, rubbing his hands over his face and letting his glasses be pushed right off. He didn't care much about them right now. All he needed was to lay here and go to sleep and wake up to a hopefully better day with a better mood and better luck.

Harry sat up.

_Luck_.

That was exactly what he needed. Scrambling up, he fixed his glasses and walked around to his trunk, eagerly digging through it until he came up with the small phial of Felix Felicis, This was _exactly_ what he needed.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **Meh. Kinda disappointed in this chapter, so I apologize if it's as awful as I think it is lol. For some reason, everything but Severus's part was so hard to write. Especially towards the end. It didn't turn out the way I had hoped, but I've done all I can to salvage it lol. I almost wanted to get rid of most of it, but those parts were like the vital parts -_-

Anyway, I realize Harry's…probably no one's favorite person atm lol. But I find Harry and Severus are loads of fun when they're being jerk-faces, so here we are lol. It'll get better eventually, though. They're both just acting bipolar right now…But they're both broken hearted, so what can you expect?

But thanks a ton to all of my reviewers! Mai Sensei, vampirexsama, slytherinfighter2011, Arcadia Val, Anniriel, Vaettr, xXxElectraxXx, Daiyu Amaya, and SevLoverKat! You guys rock!

To Mai Sensei: Glad to hear you think you did well! And at least you're reading something Harry Potter, so it can't be all bad lol. Glad you liked the chapter, though! And I'll try not to disappoint you with the make up sex, but we'll have to see how things go ;)

To vampirexsama: They are dunderheads, but they're them so it's to be expected lol. And I'm pretty sure I can put that song to good use at some point!

Please review! Even if I did horribly, you can still let me know! At the very least so I'll have my suspicions confirmed and I know for sure how this chapter is and if it's just me or not -_- I get very insecure about my work, sorry, lol.

Chapter title lyrics from "When the Lights Are Down" by Kamelot.


	54. Was It All Just a Part of Your Plan?

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Was It All Just a Part of Your Plan?_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Harry felt _great_! Everything was so amazing. He could do anything! All he had to do was go out there and do it! He jumped up and walked out of the dorms, feeling more upbeat than he had all day. He moved confidently and happily out, pleased when he ran into Hermione just outside with her arms full of her books.

"Hey, Hermione. Look, I'm really sorry about today," Harry said.

"What? Oh that…No, that's fine, Harry," Hermione said with a small, distracted smile. "You were right, though," she admitted with a sigh. Then, she looked at him more carefully. "Are you alright, Harry?"

"I'm fantastic," he replied with a grin. "Do you want to come with me?"

"Where are you going?" Hermione asked uncertainly. "It's almost curfew."

"Just going for a walk," he said.

"At this time of night?" Hermione asked incredulously.

"I think a walk would do us both some good," Harry replied. "We won't be long."

Pursing her lips, Hermione nodded slowly. "Just let me go put my books down," she said, turning to the Fat Lady and giving the password. She was back outside in under a minute. She easily linked her arm through his and Harry let her and led them both through the corridors. He wondered a minute if he should have brought his Invisibility Cloak, but he knew they'd meet no one on their way, and they didn't. He thought Hermione might have said something about it, but she didn't. Every time he looked at her she seemed to be somewhere else entirely, lost in sad thoughts somewhere. She'd feel better, though, Harry knew…somehow. He'd make her feel better and he'd get that memory from Slughorn and maybe he'd even fix things with Severus.

"We're going outside?" Hermione asked as they approached the door.

"Of course," Harry said. "It's a nice night…we could use some fresh air."

Hermione just nodded slowly and let herself be led. Luckily for them Mr. Filch hadn't locked the entrance. They stepped out into the cool night and Hermione huddled a bit closer to him as they walked. He didn't know where he was going at first, but he knew could see the outline of a path that Felix was setting out for him. He knew exactly where to go and didn't at all question where his luck was taking him. Other than her initial worries, Hermione didn't seem much bothered, either. She wasn't acting much herself, but Harry knew she'd be good in no time.

After a few minutes Harry turned them towards the path to Hagrid's cabin. Hermione seemed aware at that moment and looked prepared to ask him why they were going to Hagrid's. She glanced over her shoulder at the castle, but ended up saying nothing and continued walking with Harry.

The closer they got, they became aware of loud noises from behind the cabin. Hermione's eyes grew wide. "What is that?" she asked.

The two picked up speed and went around to the back garden. Hagrid and Slughorn both stood there next to the body of a large, dead spider. Hagrid was sniffling loudly while Slughorn leaned over the creature's head, holding a phial in his hands, filling it up with the spider's venom.

"It's…it's not everyone appreciates how beaut'ful they are," Hagrid was saying, tears pouring down his face. "I didn' know yeh were int'rested in creatures like Aragog, Horace."

"Interested? My dear Hagrid, I revere them," said Slughorn, sliding a few phials into his pocket before turning to Hagrid. "Harry! Miss Granger! What are you doing out here?"

"Umm," Hermione said.

"We were just taking a walk before curfew and we decided to stop by when we heard you. We wanted to make sure everything was alright," Harry said.

"Oh Harry…Hermione…S'good to see yer," Hagrid said, whipping out a rag and blowing his nose. "Aragog…Aragog died. Was gunna invite yeh to the burial, bu' it's gettin' late."

"Well we're here now, Hagrid," Harry assured him, turning to Hermione who was gaping at Aragog.

"It's so sad you never got ter know him, Hermione," Hagrid said with another sniff. "I know you'd have liked him."

"Of course," Hermione said, turning to Harry with wide eyes.

"Understandable, Aragog should have his friends nearby," Slughorn agreed. "Shall we proceed to the burial?"

Hagrid nodded and moved forward, picking up the giant spider and rolling him into a dark pit not far from him. The body hit with a loud, horrible, crunchy thud. Hagrid began to cry again and Harry and Hermione moved forward on either side of him to offer comfort.

"Of course, it's difficult for you, who knew him best," said Slughorn. "Why don't I say a few words?"

Slughorn wore a satisfied expression as he walked over to the edge of the pit. He spoke in a low and impressive voice. "Farewell, Aragog, king of arachnids, whose long and faithful friendship those who knew you won't forget! Though your body will decay, your spirit lingers on in the quiet, web-spun places of your forest home. May your many-eyed descendants ever flourish and your human friends find solace for the loss they have sustained."

Hermione stared at their Potions master incredulously and shot Harry questioning looks that Harry didn't acknowledge. He himself wasn't too sure about anything. Why Slughorn was here or what had been going on before they arrived, but he knew not to ask. All he had to do was go with the flow of things and he'd have everything he needed.

"Tha' was…tha' was…beau'iful!" howled Hagrid, looking ready to collapse, but Harry and Hermione held onto him and Slughorn rushed forward to help the teenagers.

"There, there," Slughorn said, waving his wand so that the huge pile of earth near the hole rose up and fell over the dead spider. "Let's get inside and have a drink."

The three helped Hagrid into his cabin and got him into a chair at the table. Harry and Hermione took their own seats while Slughorn dug around in a small bag he had with him and produced a few bottles of wine. He began pouring most of the first bottle into a bucket-sized mug of Hagrid's.

"He took venom from that spider, didn't he?" Hermione asked, giving Slughorn a hard look. "I can't believe he'd do that! W-"

"Why would he want it, anyway?" Harry asked.

"Acromantula venom is valuable," Hermione explained. "So I suppose I can understand why he'd want it, but it seems a bit insensitive for him to just come around taking its venom when Hagrid was so upset over it dying."

"Yes, well, it's Slughorn," Harry said with a shrug.

"One for Harry," Slughorn was saying, pouring wine into another mug. "One for the lovely Miss Granger," he said, pouring another cup.

"Are you sure you want to be giving this to students, Professor?" Hermione asked warily, sounding like her old self.

"I won't tell if you won't, dear girl! No worries, no worries. We're celebrating dear Aragog's life, you know!" he said with a wink.

Harry kicked Hermione lightly to get her to stop talking. Hermione looked prepared to argue more, but ended up shutting her mouth and taking the wine. After a moment's hesitation, she began sipping it. Harry raised his own mug, but didn't drink. He somehow knew that it was best not to do so.

Hagrid and Slughorn went on discussing various things like the unicorn hair Hagrid had around his hut, dragon eggs, and other things that Hagrid had or dealt with that peaked Slughorn's interest. It mostly had a lot to do with things of value and Hermione would mutter disparaging comments under her breath, but no one but Harry got to hear them. She drank her way through her mug and allowed Slughorn to refill it. He thought he might say something about it, but knew that letting her drink was the thing to do. Now and then he'd pretend to have another sip of his wine.

An hour or so later, Hagrid and Slughorn began making extravagant toasts to Hogwarts and to Dumbledore and to various other things. Hermione rested her head on the table and giggled uncontrollably, now and then joining in on their toasts, but mostly just sipping her wine and giggling and falling sideways out of her chair so that Harry would have to reach over and sit her straight. It didn't help that Harry had used a nonverbal spell to keep refilling their wine bottles.

After a while the two professors began singing a slow sad song about a dying wizard called Odo. Hagrid abandoned the song halfway through to express his sorrow over his dad's apparent untimely death and mentioned Harry's parents after that. Tears were pouring down his face again as he rested his head on the table as Hermione did.

"…terrible," Hagrid grunted before snoring loudly.

"Sorry," Slughorn said with a hiccup. "Can't carry a tune to save my life."

"Hagrid wasn't talking about your singing. He meant my mum and dad dying," Harry said quietly.

"Oh," Slughorn said, repressing a large belch. "Oh dear. Yes, that was-was terrible indeed. Terrible…terrible…" He went to pouring more wine into his own mug and then Hermione's when she lifted her head and stuck her own back out. Her own eyes were as bloodshot and watery as Hagrid's were.

"I don't….don't suppose you remember it, Harry?" Slughorn asked awkwardly.

"No-well I was only one when they died," Harry said. "But I've found out pretty much what happened since. My dad died first. Did you know that?"

"I-I didn't," Slughorn said in a hushed voice.

"Yeah…Voldemort murdered him and then stepped over his body towards my mum," said Harry.

Slughorn shuddered, but his eyes remained fearful and eagerly excited on Harry's face.

"He told her to get out of the way," said Harry remorselessly. "He told me she needn't have died. He only wanted me. She could have run."

"Oh dear," breathed Slughorn. "She could have…she needn't…That's awful…"

"It is, isn't it?" said Harry, voice barely more than a whisper. He could feel Hermione watching him and she seemed to want to say something, but thankfully remained quiet. "But she didn't move. Dad was already dead, but she didn't want me to go, too. She tried to plead with Voldemort…but he just laughed."

"That's enough!" said Slughorn, suddenly raising a shaking hand. "Really, my dear boy….enough. I'm an old man…I don't need to hear…I don't want to hear…"

"I forgot," lied Harry. "You liked her, didn't you?"

"Liked her?" said Slughorn, eyes brimming with tears. "I don't imagine anyone who met her wouldn't have liked her…Very brave…Very funny…It was the most horrible thing…"

"But you won't help her son. She gave her life, but you won't give me a memory."

"Don't say that," he whispered. "It isn't a question…If it were to help you, of course…but no purpose can be served…"

"It can," Harry said. "Dumbledore needs information. I need information. I'm the Chosen One. I have to kill him. I need that memory. It's very, very important if we want to kill him."

"You _are_ the Chosen One?"

Hermione snorted, but Slughorn didn't seem to hear her.

"Of course I am," Harry said calmly.

"But then…my dear…my dear boy…you're asking a great deal….you're asking me, in fact, to aid you in your attempt to destroy-"

"You don't want to get rid of the wizard who killed Lily Evans?"

"Harry, Harry, of course I do, but-"

"You're scared he'll find out you helped me?" Harry asked. Slughorn said nothing, but the terrified look on his face said it all. "Be brave like my mother, Professor…"

"I am…not proud," Slughorn said shakily. "I am ashamed of what…of what that memory shows. I think…I may have done great damage that day…"

"You'd cancel out anything you did by giving me the memory," Harry encouraged. "it would be a very brave and noble thing to do."

There was a long silence, but Harry watched Slughorn and waited. Felix told Harry to do so and he was patient as he watched Slughorn almost unblinkingly. Hagrid's snores filled the cabin and Harry could feel Hermione's eyes looking between him and Slughorn, hiccupping now and then.

Finally, slowly, Slughorn put his hand in his pocket and withdrew his wand. He put the other end inside of his cloak and pulled out a small, empty bottle. Still looking into Harry's eyes, Slughorn touched the tip of his wand to his temple and withdrew it with a long silver thread of memory attached to the end. Slughorn lowered it into the bottle and corked it with the end of his wand and held it out with a trembling hand.

"Thank you very much, Professor."

"You're a good boy," said Slughorn, tears rolling down his cheeks. "And you've got her eyes. Just don't think too badly of me once you've seen it."

"I won't, Professor," Harry promised. He then turned to Hermione who sat up and eyed her mug.

"One more, I think," Hermione said, holding out her mug. "Please."

"Yes, yes," Slughorn said, reaching down to grab another bottle out of his bag. "Hmmm…Here we are."

Slughorn filled Hermione's mug up with the new bottle. Harry didn't know why he didn't just grab the wine, but it was out of his reach and Harry didn't think he wanted to get up to get it. Instead he put his head on his arms and gave a great sigh before falling asleep.

Hermione drank her mug happily and Harry stood up, getting ready to leave once Hermione was done. Harry turned when he heard a weird noise from his friend. His eyes grew wide as he watched Hermione jerk in her seat before falling out of it entirely. Her chocolate brown eyes were wide and foam was dribbling out of the corner of her mouth.

"Hermione?" Harry exclaimed, rushing to her side. He felt a bit of panic, but it didn't seem to overwhelm that calm that had settled over him with Felix. She'd be fine, it told him. He just had to get her to see Madam Pomfrey. Harry picked her up and held her close, running out of Hagrid's hut and back to the castle. The doors were still unlocked and he again met no one while he ran towards the infirmary. Madam Pomfrey was just at the door about to lock up when Harry burst in. "Madam Pomfrey, she's been poisoned!"

"What? Oh dear, set her here!" Madam Pomfrey exclaimed, ushering him to the nearest bed. Pomfrey began waving her wand over Hermione before rushing over to a cabinet. "Run along, Potter. You can visit again in the morning, I've got her."

"Yes, Madam Pomfrey," Harry said and walked out of the infirmary. She'd be fine, Felix told him. He had other things he had to do, other opportunities awaiting him…

Midway to Gryffindor Tower he could feel the effects of the potion wearing off. Harry frowned deeply and turned around, staring wide eyed down the staircase he had just gone up. How had he just left Hermione there? Why hadn't he gone to be sure she was alright? She was his best friend! And he had let her drink and be poisoned and just left her all by herself in the infirmary!

Felix hadn't led him astray thus far, though…Hermione _would_ be okay, he told himself.

"Well, well, well…If it isn't Mr. Potter."

Harry felt a shiver run up his spine, though it was perhaps a bit more pleasant than such a dangerous tone warranted. Harry slowly turned, facing the narrowed eyes of his…of Severus. "Yep, it's me."

Severus sneered. "Out after hours. Do you want more detentions?"

Harry only shrugged. He wasn't so worried about that as something else. If only Felix hadn't worn off…Still…"Look…Severus…"

"Professor Snape," Severus corrected.

Ouch. Harry cringed and swallowed hard, narrowing his eyes. "Right," he said stiffly. Never mind _that_ idea. He couldn't very well work anything out with Severus like this. He had more important things to do right now, anyway, he figured. Realizing what floor he was on gave him a new destination entirely. He began walking past Severus to head to Dumbledore's office. He'd want to see the memory right away, wouldn't he?

"Fifteen points from Gryffindor," Severus said, following Harry. "And just where do you think you're going, Potter?"

"That's none of your business, Professor. It's between Dumbledore and me," Harry said.

"Of course," Severus said dryly. "I'm not sure the headmaster would appreciate you being up after hours any more than I do, however."

"You could be wrong about that," Harry said icily. "It _is_ rather important business we have."

"Yes, of course. Nothing involving the great Harry Potter could be unimportant, could it?" Severus growled.

"Guess not," Harry snapped. "Must be why you're always on my case. You seem so concerned about all of my fame and attention, yet you shower me with just as much of it as everyone else. Maybe it's negative attention, but it's all the same, isn't it? If you're not too busy putting me down it's only because you need someone to take care of your…your…_sexual needs_."

"Let's not forget which one of us was more concerned about his sexual needs, Potter," Severus said darkly.

Harry's jaw clenched, but it was hard to deny it. Almost every time they had done anything it was because Harry had initiated it…albeit awkwardly and with great difficulty, but he always somehow managed to convey his desires.

"I'm just a teenager, Professor," Harry spat after a few minutes as they neared Dumbledore's office, surprised Severus was still walking with him. "You could have stopped yourself, couldn't you? You're what? Thirty seven now? Y-"

Suddenly Harry found himself being slammed back into the stone wall nearby. He hissed in the sharp pain that attacked his spine, glaring as Severus glowered dangerously at him. "Listen here, Potter. Y-"

Harry didn't give Severus any more time to finish his statement then Severus had given him. For some reason he was consumed with the strangest desire to either hit or kiss him and ended up kissing him hard. It was a weird thing to do when one was angry. Harry had heard of angry sex before, but he had never really seen how it could really happen until now. Suddenly sex seemed like a great idea…A better venting of anger than dueling the man and honestly even now, as strong as the desire was, he didn't _really_ want to hurt Severus. No more than he already had.

Severus began kissing him back, pressing his taller body against Harry's firmly. They grasped at each other, lips and teeth clashing hard while tongues battled for dominance. There was nothing loving or sexy about it…Just pure _anger_. Raw, unadulterated _anger_. Anger with Severus for being such a prat and anger with himself for letting things come to this. Anger over his life for being such a mess. Anger over the stupid potion wearing off.

Harry's fingers clenched into fists in Severus's robes and he could feel something hard pressing into his stomach and he pressed against it, moaning loudly as Severus pressed his leg against Harry's own growing arousal.

"Ahem," said a loud voice from nearby. "I am not entirely sure that is the wisest of things to be doing in public, don't you agree?"

Severus suddenly jerked away, as if burned, and cleared his throat before turning to Dumbledore. "I…I apologize, headmaster." He shot Harry a loathing glare. "I believe Potter wanted to speak with you. Good night."

With that he swept away and Harry glared after him and shook his head, wanting to punch the wall behind him. "I got the memory, Professor," Harry managed to say, keeping check of his temper. It was the thing that had gotten him most in trouble today.

"Did you?" Dumbledore said, surprised, raising his eyebrow.

"Mhm," Harry said, pulling out the bottle.

"Excellent. I knew you could do it, Harry," Dumbledore said with a genuine smile. "Let us have a look, shall we?"

Nodding, Harry followed Dumbledore into his office and handed over the bottle. "Erm…So…Se…Snape can't know about this?"

Dumbledore paused and frowned sympathetically. "No, I'm afraid not, Harry. It would be most unwise, I believe," he explained. "I trust Severus Snape entirely, but considering how close he must be to Voldemort…As mastered an Occlumens as he is, it is not a chance I am willing to take."

"Yeah," Harry said miserably. Even as upset with the man as he was, he could feel the anger fading and his brilliant idea now being replaced by disappointment. Maybe he could use telling Severus all of this as a good excuse to talk to him and make things right. He wasn't positive that things would be perfect, but he had to at least try, didn't he? "Oh and sir…I erm…had to take Hermione to the infirmary. We were at Hagrid's and Slu-Professor Slughorn had some kind of mead and she was poisoned. I got her to Madam Pomfrey, but she made me leave and I just left Hagrid and Slughorn there, cause they fell asleep, but…"

"Poison?" Dumbledore repeated, an odd look crossing his face.

"Erm…Yeah," Harry said, shifting on his feet. "They're at Hagrid's hut."

Dumbledore set the bottle on his desk and headed towards the door. "I believe this matter must take priority, Harry. I hope you understand," he said. "But you may return in the morning…I believe it essential that we view this memory as soon as possible."

"Yes, sir," Harry said, feeling a bit relieved that they wouldn't have to do this tonight. He had too much on his mind to put himself into focusing on this memory. "Do you think Hermione will be okay?"

"I'm sure Madam Pomfrey is taking care of her," Dumbledore said. "However, as I am sure you are concerned about Miss Granger and might not get much rest until you know, you may wait for me outside of the infirmary and we may check on her together once I get the rest of his sorted out."

"Yes, sir," said Harry, eagerly following Dumbledore out. Maybe he could get an idea of what was going on from outside the door, he hoped. And he was sure if anything bad happened then Madam Pomfrey would leave or do something to let Dumbledore know. In the meantime, he'd be waiting outside of her door, half hoping Severus would walk by.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note:** Truth be told, I hate rewriting scenes from the book. But they're all very important, so meh. Anyway, looks like Hermione fell victim to Draco's poison scheme. Oooooh. Anyway, only 8 more chapters of the second part of the story!

And I reached 200 reviews! Awesome, peeps! Thanks to all who reviewed since my last chapter! XXxElectraxXx, vampirexsama, Anniriel, Mai Sensei, and Dragon Soarer!

To Dragon Soarer: I'm glad you started reading and that you like it so much! As for Harry's "lost memory", I'm still not sure what to do about it. If it does come up again, it might not be until the sequel, considering how much will be going on soon. I can't decide if I like it more with him finding out or not, honeslty, so I guess you'll just have to keep reading and see if it comes up again or not lol.

Chapter title lyrics from "Always" by Saliva.


	55. In Defense of Our Dreams

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_In Defense of Our Dreams_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Hermione was alive, well, and recovering and Harry had finally gotten the memory Dumbledore so wanted. Harry was a bit anxious to check up on his best friend, but he remembered he had to meet Dumbledore that morning. First Dumbledore showed Harry the memory he had meant to show him yesterday, of Tom Riddle's meeting with Hepzibah Smith and his meeting with Dumbledore requesting the Defense Against the Dark Arts position, revealing that it was because of that rejection that Voldemort placed a curse on the position. It was all very interesting to Harry, but he felt it a bit dramatic to start there when Dumbledore was so obviously anxious to see Slughorn's memory. They finally got to it…Tom Riddle asking Professor Slughorn about Horcruxes and it all resulted in a long conversation about the matter. Voldemort was using Horcruxes to stay alive and they were going to have to find and destroy them all before they could kill Voldemort.

Well bugger. As if he didn't think it was going to be hard enough killing Voldemort without having to find and destroy several objects before he could do so.

His mind was still full of Voldemort and Horcruxes when he left Dumbledore's office and he almost forgot he was going to go see Hermione until Neville stopped him on the way to breakfast asking if it was true that Hermione had been poisoned. After quickly answering yes, he spun around and darted towards the infirmary. Hermione was alive and well, from what Madam Pomfrey assured them last night, but she hadn't woken up and she still had a few days worth of recovery. He felt he owed her an explanation and an apology or two. _Why_ his potion deemed it _lucky_ for Hermione to get hurt, Harry wasn't sure…Unless all of the luck was strictly for his benefit and somehow Hermione being poisoned would help matters…That thought made him feel sick.

"…I'm so, so, so sorry, Hermione…Please, please, please…I'm so sorry," whimpered a voice from within. Harry burrowed his eyebrows and quietly walked in, finding Draco sitting by Hermione's side, her hand clutched in his. He was hunched over, his body shaking a bit and his voice was thick and hoarse. He sounded as though he had been crying. "I didn't mean for this to happen to you…I would never do anything to hurt you…Fuck, I'm so bloody stupid," he said, pressing his lips against her hand.

"Mmm…yes…you are," came Hermione's small, tired voice. Draco and Harry both jumped at the sound of it and turned to look over her anxiously. Her eyes were barely opened and she looked exhausted, but the fact that she was awake was relieving to them both.

"I'm so sorry, Mione," Draco whispered.

"I know, I heard you," Hermione said with a strained smile. "What d'you do?"

Draco tensed up a bit and looked around the infirmary, eyes widening when he saw Harry. Harry shifted uncomfortably and offered a nervous wave. Draco rolled his eyes and beckoned him over. Feeling a bit relieved, Harry walked over and grabbed a chair, sitting on Hermione's other side.

"Obviously Pot-head told you what he heard," Draco said quietly, scooting closer to her bed. He didn't want to take any chances being overheard again. "I had to do what I could to try to 'kill' the headmaster. So I poisoned some mead and gave it to Slughorn who was supposed to give it to Dumbledore for Christmas, but I guess he didn't, did he? I had no idea you would get hurt…I would have never done anything to hurt either of you."

"We know," Harry said quietly.

"Mhm," Hermione agreed. "But…Draco…You can't just…be willing to risk everyone else's lives…just for this," she said. "It's good to care about your friends, but you have to care about everyone. Katie got hurt, I got hurt…It's not Dumbledore and it's just…That you were so willing to let others get hurt…"

Draco bowed his head in shame and played with Hermione's hand. Harry frowned and glanced at Hermione who was watching him sadly. After a few quiet minutes, Draco took a deep breath and seemed ready to say something, but he didn't and they fell silent again for another few minutes. He took another deep breath and finally started to talk. "I have to…to do something. He'll hurt my family…and everyone I care about…if I don't. I would do anything…absolutely anything…to keep my family safe."

Hermione and Harry glanced at each other before glancing back to Draco. He still wasn't looking at either of them, only playing with Hermione's hand. "If I fail, he'll kill us all…But if I succeed…We could be great again. He's so mad that I've been failing so much, but I…I keep thinking of new things that might work. And not Nott's all intent on helping and I don't think I could stop even if I wanted to. But…Severus thinks that…that _he_ wants him to do it, in the end. He doesn't think I can. And…I'm sorry, but…I don't…I don't know what to do. I never wanted to become entangled in all of this to begin with, but I had to protect my family. Please understand that. I thought I could handle this, that I could do _something_…But…I…I can't I just…I don't know what to do."

"Oh, Draco," Hermione sighed, grunting a bit as she struggled to sit up straight. She gave him a hard look, though it didn't come off nearly as intimidating as it might have if she was healthier. "You should have told us…You just…You can come to us, you know. Harry and I care about you and we'll do whatever we can to help you and make things better."

"She's right, mate," Harry told him. "That's what friends do. I dunno what all we _can_ do, but we're here to help. You don't have to do this all alone. Besides, we're Gryffindors. We love trouble and adventure and all of that fun stuff, remember?" he asked teasingly.

Draco chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Of course."

"Now, no more reckless tricks, Draco," Hermione said. "And learn to rely on your friends a bit more."

"Yes, Mum," Draco said with a grin, laughing as Hermione glared and slapped his arm. "So…you're not mad at me?"

"Well I am _now_," Hermione teased.

"We're good," Harry assured him. "So don't worry. We'll find a way to get this all figured out."

Draco nodded slowly. "Alright then. But if you screw up…" He trailed off and threateningly slashed his finger across his throat.

"Right," Harry said, rolling his eyes.

Draco remained with them for a few more minutes, tempted to skip his first class to stay with them, but Hermione scolded him and ended up convincing him not to skip any classes for her sake and also asked him to stop by Professor Babbling and Professor Vector's offices to pick up her Ancient Runes and Arithmancy work, figuring Harry and Draco could catch her up on what she had in her other classes. The two watched him go and Hermione just shook her head.

"Do you believe he actually thought that would work?" Hermione snorted. "Speaking of, you better not think you can skip your classes, either."

"You're gonna make me face Severus on my own?" Harry asked teasingly.

"Nonsense. You'll have Draco," Hermione replied.

"Yes, well," Harry said, shaking his head. Considering how yesterday had gone, Harry wasn't sure how Defense was going to go, but he figured he had to at least try to make things worse. Otherwise, he was never going to get through that class. "I did manage to get the memory from Slughorn."

"Did you?" Hermione asked with a smile. "Did you show Dumbledore yet?"

"Yeah," Harry said, launching into an explanation about what Horcruxes were and Dumbledore's theories on the subject. "…he also agreed to let me come with him when he find the next one," he finished, glad to have his mind on something constructive. All of this personal life drama was driving him insane.

"Oh wow," Hermione said, looking stunned. "That's…that's…"

"Wow?" Harry supplied with a smile.

Hermione glared at him. "Yes! That's so…It's just…Very interesting," she decided. "That's really unique power…Disgusting the lengths someone would go through to be 'immortal'," she said, wrinkling her nose. "I do think it's very nice that Dumbledore will let you go along, though…I suppose it can't be too dangerous or anything if he agreed to that."

"I'm pretty sure after all of these years he would have faith in my abilities to deal with danger," Harry pointed out.

"Yes, well, you very well don't need to be getting yourself into any more trouble than you already have in life," Hermione said with a smile. "Though…He made so many," Hermione said, looking thoughtful. "Only two down…That's good, I suppose, but Horcruxes are Dark magic and he made more than one? That's just incredible…Incredibly _bad_, of course, but…Well, you know what I mean." Hermione said, pursing her lips. "And to not even know what they all are…That's a little scary, isn't it? Voldemort's becoming more and more powerful and we still have to spend this time hunting down objects that could be anything and anywhere before killing him. And so many people have been dying…Poor Hannah Abbot's mother was killed the other day, you know."

"Yeah," Harry agreed, frowning deeply. He spent so much time preparing for this stupid war that he hardly had time to pay attention to what Voldemort and his Death Eaters were doing, though he knew that Hermione often scanned the pages of the _Daily Prophet_ looking for new disappearances or deaths. This was the first time Harry could recall it affecting someone he actually knew somewhat well. "I wish he'd let me talk to Severus about it," Harry said with a sigh. "I'm only allowed to tell _you_ all of this. Not Severus or Draco…But they'd be the most helpful, wouldn't they? People who have been around him and know him better, I mean."

Hermione sighed. "I _do _hate keeping something from Draco now that we've all made up…"

"And made a big deal about being open with each other,' Harry added.

"Yes, that, too," Hermione said stiffly. "But Dumbledore obviously has a reason for not wanting them to know."

"They're too close to Voldemort and if anything happened, we wouldn't want Voldemort to know what we know," Harry said.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The day went by without much incident. In Defense Severus had taken the opposite approach of the day before and set about ignoring Harry altogether. Harry tried to linger behind to speak to him, but Severus seemed to disappear just as quickly as the students. Slughorn cancelled Potions so Draco and Harry were able to spend more time with Hermione in the infirmary, though all she did was pester them about starting on their homework while she eagerly took her own assignments from them and looked through them eagerly.

"Do I have to get Madam Pomfrey in here?" Draco had teased. "Shouldn't you be recovering?"

By the end of the day, Harry was grateful to be heading towards detention, even if Severus had promised it would be a _real _detention and not just an excuse for their lessons, which were sure to follow. He had no idea what to do or say, but he did know that he wanted to make things right. He still felt a bit weird, knowing what Severus had done…But being away from him hurt a lot more than Harry had ever imagined and he hated how things were between them now. He had to at least give it a chance…To at least see if it was something they could deal with.

As soon as he was done with dinner he went down to Severus's office, a bit pleased to find that the man wasn't there already. He sat down in a chair in front of the man's desk and tried to focus on calming down. He was still nervous and still hadn't completely worked out what to say yet. He fidgeted where he sat a lot and stared at the area behind Severus's desk, the wall where he knew a door would appear with the right password. Harry frowned and grabbed the chain around his neck and pulled the pendant out from under his shirt. He held the strangely cold metal in his hands, tracing his finger over the new password, _meus leo_. He didn't really know what that meant, but he rarely knew what Severus's passwords translated to. With a sigh he let the snake and lion fall back against his chest, not even bothering to slide the pendant back into his shirt.

He was tempted to sneak into Severus's rooms, but he wasn't sure what good that would do him. He did find that he missed the place a great deal…Harry tried to focus on thinking of what he needed to do, but all that came to mind were thoughts of sneaking into Severus's rooms or all he could imagine was the man picking a fight and just thought of them screaming insults at each other.

At least Harry had a few good ones if they _did_ fight.

It was a little over ten minutes later before Severus finally walked in. Harry barley registered the door opening, only the sound of Severus's voice capturing his attention. "Early, I see, Potter," Severus drawled, walking around his desk to face Harry.

"It happens sometimes," Harry said, noticing the way Severus's dark eyes lingered over the necklace. "Look, Seve-"

"Professor Snape or sir," Severus corrected him darkly.

"I miss you, Severus," Harry said boldly.

Severus glared at him.

"I really do!" Harry quickly said. "Look, I'm sorry about everything. But you have got to know that it wasn't exactly easy. Don't you?"

Severus said nothing, only stared at him with an almost suspicious look that Harry hated. They had been doing so well…He had finally gotten Severus to start being more open and more accepting of their relationship and their feelings. And then what had happened? Of course, something had to come right on in to fuck it up.

"You have a very bad, dark past, I realize that," Harry said. "And I don't know that it will be easy for us when I know what I know, but I want to try…I love you. I'm tired of being horrible to each other. I just…I want things to be okay again."

"And what makes you think anything will be okay again, Potter?" Severus demanded.

"I at least want to try," Harry said. "Don't tell me _you've_ already given up."

Severus scowled. "What does it even matter? I was taking a big enough chance on you to begin with, Potter. This just goes to show that it was a mistake on my part."

Harry cringed, feeling as though he had been punched in the gut. "Don't say that," he muttered.

"You'll be writing lines tonight, Potter," Severus said. "It is such a shame I don't have as clever a quill for you to use as Umbridge did."

Harry glared at him. "Stop being like this."

"I'm being your teacher, as I should have been all along," Severus said.

Harry wanted to scream at him and knock some sense into him. He felt slightly panicky. He had spent so long trying to work on getting Severus to relax and just enjoy being together, and now he had bollocksed it all up. His jaw clenched and he reluctantly dug into his bag for parchment, a quill, and an inkpot under Severus's close gaze.

Once he set them all on the desk he stood up and walked around to where Severus sat. "Potter," Severus said warningly as Harry swooped down to kiss him. Severus quickly ducked out of the way so that his lips landed on Severus's cheek, but Harry didn't let that deter him. Even as he blushed he moved down to press his lips to Severus's neck, using his hand to push his robes and shirt away to expose more of that long, pale neck. "Potter, unhand me this instant!" Severus demanded, though his move to push Harry away were feeble, at best. Harry kissed at the pale skin, desperate to get Severus going enough so that he'd forget all of his problems with the whole matter. The only issue was was that Harry wasn't so sure how good he was at even doing this. He didn't know how to be sexy or anything…not like Severus, whose every move seemed able to seduce him. He was awkward, but he was trying.

After a moment Severus's arms came around him and Harry found himself being pulled into the man's lap. It wasn't entirely comfortable with the arms of the chair digging into his knee and the side of his leg, but he was too relieved that Severus was holding him to care much about the discomfort. He felt a bit more confident in what he was doing, as well, as he figured Severus would have stopped it if he was doing a bad job. This wasn't _too _bad. He experimentally flicked out his tongue, trailing it over smooth skin the way Severus liked to do to him. The small intake of breath from his lover encouraged him on. His hands grasped at Severus's shoulders for support as he kissed and licked at his neck, becoming more and more comfortable the more he did so. Harry always liked it when Severus did this to him and while Severus wasn't nearly so vocal as Harry was (an embarrassing fact to think about, really), he could tell by the way Severus's hands tightened around him and by his breathing that he was enjoying himself.

"Love you," Harry mumbled into his ear before pulling back slightly to look down at his lover.

"You are a brat, you know," Severus muttered in response before sliding his hand up his back to entangle in Harry's hair before pulling him down into a deep kiss. Harry returned the kiss eagerly, almost not believing that Severus wasn't making this so much harder and so grateful that he wasn't.

"I know," Harry said, pulling back a minute later. He kisses Severus again before pulling back with a sly grin. "You know…I think we could…you know…have make up sex now. Right? Since we're made up."

Severus snorted. "Of course your mind is on sex. Don't tell me that's the only reason you came back."

"Of course not," Harry replied with a cheeky grin. "If I wanted sex I'm sure Nott…" He trailed off and laughed at the glare Severus gave, jumping in surprise as the man slapped his bum.

"That is no way to convince me to take you, Potter," Severus purred quietly, causing Harry to shiver pleasantly.

"C'mon…" Harry said, rubbing his hips against Severus so that he could feel how aroused he was becoming.

"That's hardly an attempt at seduction, Potter," Severus replied, smirking, amusement glittering in his black eyes.

"Erm…Please?" Harry said, blushing furiously. He had no idea what Severus wanted him to do and the word _seduction_ left him a bit nervous. How the bloody hell did a bloke seduce another bloke? He didn't have Severus's voice or the way the man looked at him, so that was out of the question. People used sexy voices all the time and they moved in certain ways that appealed to their partner, but Harry was at a loss as to how to go about doing it himself. And honestly, anything he could think of embarrassed him just to think about doing.

"Surely you can do better than that?" Severus teased.

"Bloody hell, I just want to celebrate making up with you, you git," Harry muttered.

"Ahh…What a tempting offer it is…_Harry_," he murmured and Harry licked his lips. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt to indulge you…"

"Right," Harry said with a grin, leaning in to kiss Severus deeply while he moved his feet back down to the floor. "We should do it over your desk."

"We should?" Severus asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"Yeah," Harry said with a nervous grin. "We've never done it outside of your rooms before and…it seems kind of…I dunno, I've dreamed about it before and…Yeah."

"Ahh…I think I recall said dreams," Severus replied with a grin, standing up as well and walking forward, pressing Harry back against the desk. Long, potion-stained fingers tangled into his hair and pulled him into a deep, dizzying kiss. Harry wrapped his arms around him and held him as close as he could, rubbing his hardness frantically against Severus. "Naughty, impatient boy," Severus mumbled against his mouth, though Harry could feel those thin lips curled up in a small smile. They continued kissing and Harry moaned quietly in response to Severus's hands running along his body, up his inner thighs and only momentarily rubbing over the bulge in his pants before sliding around his hips and over his bum and up his spine. Harry, meanwhile, latched his trembling fingers to the buttons on Severus's robes, unbuttoning them as best he could.

All at once they heard a knock on the door, the creak of the door opening, and the sound of Professor Minerva McGonagall's voice saying, "Severus, we really must have a talk about the S-Merlin! What on Earth are you doing?"

Harry gasped and jumped, spinning around to stare wide eyed at his Head of House standing in the doorway of Severus's office while Severus backed away, speaking in a calmer voice than Harry thought was natural in this situation. "Minerva, you really should knock before entering one's office."

"One's office door wasn't closed entirely!" McGonagall snapped, staring in shock. "Mr. Potter, are you alright?"

"I…Yes," Harry said, swallowing hard.

"Severus, how could you?" McGonagall demanded.

"He…He wasn't raping me or anything," Harry supplied, fidgeting nervously where he stood.

"Potter, do shut up," Severus said.

"How lo-Never mind. We are going to see the headmaster," McGonagall said sternly. "Potter, come along. You might as well come, too, Severus, you're not going to be able to run away from this."

"I had no intentions of doing so," Severus replied smoothly, buttoning up the few buttons Harry had managed to undo. Harry couldn't read his expression and Severus seemed to refuse to look at Harry now. "Shall we?"

McGonagall glowered at him hatefully and ushered Harry along. Panic hit him hard as he was pushed along in front of McGonagall. Dumbledore had been okay with things, but he had warned them to be cautious with their relationship. Did Dumbledore even know they were having sex? Of course, they weren't really having sex when McGonagall came in. But Dumbledore would still be upset they had gotten caught…And since someone else knew, would they have to report Severus to the authorities? Would he go to Azkaban? Fuck, fuck, fuck, Harry thought to himself. Why hadn't they noticed the door wasn't closed all the way? Why hadn't Severus put up all of those charms he usually did before their lessons. _Oh right, it was detention. Maybe he did it all on purpose to keep himself from doing what we ended up doing anyway_, he thought miserably.

"Professor, really, it's-" Harry said for maybe the eighth time since they started this journey. He could see the gargoyle up ahead now.

"Do not make excuses for him, Mr. Potter," McGonagall warned. "We will let the headmaster deal with this." McGonagall walked ahead of him to the gargoyle. "Pumpkin pops," she said distastefully and Harry felt his stomach sinking as she stepped onto the moving staircase.

"Go on, Harry," Severus encouraged quietly, his voice betraying a resignation that Harry hated. Harry reluctantly followed McGonagall up to Dumbledore's office, any hope at all he held onto dying as the gargoyle's entrance closed.

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**Author's Note:** Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed! Mai Sensei, vampirexsama, Arcadia Val, Vaettr, slytherinfighter2011, aliengirlguy, xXxElectraxXx, and Dragon Soarer! Love you guys!

To xXxElectraxXx: you know me, I update like crazy, so you should def have stuff to read when you're back!

To Dragon Soarer: Yes, there will definitely be a sequel lol. Well, there better be, I've been planning it for a while now rofl. I plotted out every chapter for Lost and Damned and started doing so for the unnamed sequel (which I have 93 chapters, I think, plotted out so far…my goal is to get at least 100).

I am touched you think I should have more than 200 reviews, though, lol. And don't tempt me to not post as much ;) I could always write out the whole story and save it somewhere and only post once a week or once a month or something :P lol I tease, though. I've tried that before but it never lasted long cause I was usually too excited to see how people would react to the different chapters.

In response to your chapter review :P I love having people interupt. It's more fun for me as the writer to torture my poor readers. S'why I had McGonagall walk in here _ No worries, I'll appease my little Snarry sex addicts soon enough :P And considering it's Harry Potter and Severus Snape, I assure you there will be nothing lacking in the department of drama and interesting shit going down rofl.

Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed and you should all review! You know I loves it!

Chapter title lyrics from "Kings and Queens" by 30 Seconds to Mars.


	56. You Blushed and Smiled and Said You Woul

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_You Blushed and Smiled and Said You Would Stay_

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"Ahh, good evening, Minerva! To what do I owe this pl-Oh, why you have brought Severus and Harry along with you."

Harry smiled nervously as he appeared in the doorway of Dumbledore's office, his eyes still wide and finding it incredibly hard to move his body. He felt like he might vomit or pass out or something. Dumbledore's smile seemed to lose some of its light as he looked carefully between the three of them.

"Albus," McGonagall began, "I caught Professor Snape behaving very inappropriately towards Mr. Potter."

Severus's hand on his back was a small comfort and he walked as the man urged him forward, letting himself be steered into a seat in front of Dumbledore's desk. Harry looked back to see Severus, but his face was as frighteningly blank as ever.

"Inappropriate, you say?" Dumbledore said, his smile fading entirely. He gave Harry and Severus a look that immediately made Harry feel awful.

"Will you tell him or shall I, Severus?" McGonagall demanded harshly.

"By all means, you were doing a wonderful job, Minerva," Severus said smoothly.

"Have you no shame in what you've done?" McGonagall snapped.

"What has he done to require such shame, Minerva?" Dumbledore asked.

"I walked in upon him kissing and _groping_ young Mr. Potter!" McGonagall exclaimed. "It was entirely indecent!"

"I see," Dumbledore said quietly. He fell silent, looking between the occupants of his office, looking very thoughtful.

"You see?" demanded McGonagall. "Do something, Albus!" She turned to glower at Severus. "And you, Severus…I honestly expected better of you! He's but a boy!"

"I'm right here," Harry grunted. "And I really wish people would stop calling me a 'boy'."

"You are only sixteen!" McGonagall said.

"I'm old enough to make my own choices!" Harry snapped, feeling very uncomfortable, feeling like they thought of him as some child. He especially didn't think Severus would like that idea very much.

"Potter," Severus said in a warning tone.

"Sixteen," muttered McGonagall.

"Sixteen…and survived more than any sixteen year old should," Dumbledore said quietly after a moment, his voice almost a whisper, but capturing the attention of the entire room, portraits and all. "Harry and Severus both have suffered a great deal in their lives, and are still today sacrificing much of themselves for this cause. I care for them both deeply, as sons, Minerva," Dumbledore explained just as quietly. "They fell in love at the end of last year and, I must admit, I was disturbed and wary upon learning this. Seeing how miserable they were apart, however, I changed my mind. I confess, Severus might be right…Perhaps I am a romantic, sentimental old fool," Dumbledore chuckled. "But I believe they both deserve love and happiness, more than almost anyone. I trust them both not to go too far, but I cannot truly punish them for expressing their affections."

Harry was a bit relieved that Dumbledore was sticking up for them to McGonagall, but he couldn't rest easy just yet. He glanced from Dumbledore's apologetic face to McGonagall's stunned expression to Severus's glare. It didn't surprise him that Severus wasn't happy; he didn't think Severus wanted to tell anyone how he felt himself, let alone have someone else do it for him. He looked like he had quite a few comments in mind, but he said nothing and let Dumbledore take control of the situation.

"Be that as it may," McGonagall said after a long few silent minutes, "that Harry Potter is still a boy. There are rules in place, Albus…"

"As I am well aware, Minerva," Dumbledore said, bowing his head. "But this is not a matter of physical pleasure, it is a matter of the heart. It is something they both deserve, Minerva, and I hope you trust me enough to let me make the decisions in this matter."

"Of course I trust you, headmaster," McGonagall said, sounding almost offended by the question of it.

"Thank you, Minerva," Dumbledore said. "Now…I believe Harry to be old enough to consent to a relationship with the man or woman he loves. I also trust them to be discreet with this matter and I would deeply appreciate your own discretion."

"I…Of course, Albus," McGonagall said, though she, like Severus, looked like she had plenty more in mind to say.

"Thank you, Minerva," Dumbledore said with a nod of his head. "Unless there is something else you'd like to say, I do have a few things I need to speak with Severus and Harry about."

McGonagall bowed her head and turned around, giving Severus a sharp glare as she walked out of the room. Harry had a bad feeling they would both be getting long talks from McGonagall sometime soon. Harry was surprised, but relieved, that McGonagall seemed accepting of Dumbledore's words and that Dumbledore had defended them. That serious look on Dumbledore's face, though, didn't bode well. He found it hard to look at the headmaster's face and instead looked at the wall and the desk, glancing over when he felt Severus move into the chair beside him.

"It is…relieving to hear that you have made up," Dumbledore began. "I am, at least, assuming that is what has happened. I doubt it is good for either of you to continue kissing if you are not serious about one another."

"We made up…We're okay now," Harry said, glancing from Severus to Dumbledore's general area.

"Good, good," Dumbledore said. "Now…While I am pleased that you have reconciled, I must ask you both to take more caution in your time together. Professor McGonagall is one thing, but I would not advise you to risk anyone else catching you. There is only so much I will be able to do if you take that risk."

"I apologize for our carelessness, headmaster," Severus said stiffly. "We will be sure to take extra precaution. It will never happen again."

"Good," said Dumbledore. "Remember, it's not me who has everything to risk. I cannot stress enough how bad things can be if you are found. I care about you both a great deal and I will always do what I can for you…But even I cannot interfere too much with these things. I put a great deal of trust in you both in allowing you to pursue a relationship, and I would be very disappointed if you continued to be imprudent when it comes to your time together."

"Yes, sir…Sorry, sir," Harry said, feeling hot, horrible shame wash over him at not only Dumbledore's words but that quiet, disappointed tone.

"Of course, headmaster," said Severus.

Dumbledore just watched them for a moment and Harry finally dared to look up at him. Harry didn't know what to make of the look on his face, but he didn't like it.

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Severus was silent the entire walk back to the dungeons and Harry had no idea how to break it. It had been impossible to read Severus at all since McGonagall had caught them, and it worried Harry to no end. They had just fixed things up between them, surely that hadn't ended already. The quiet became almost unbearable, but after having been caught by McGonagall already, Harry figured it was not a conversation safe for the Hogwarts corridors. His anxiousness grew with every step he took, feeling like he might soon burst if they didn't get this over with soon.

Finally, though, they arrived to the dungeons and Harry hurried into Severus's office, turning to face the man, mouth opened to speak, though he paused as Severus began putting up the silencing charms and locking charms he usually did before their lessons. Harry closed his mouth and swallowed hard, shifting on his feet every few seconds and waiting for what felt like forever until Severus was finally done.

"Are you okay?" Harry immediately asked.

"Do I look okay, Potter?" Severus demanded, glaring at him.

Harry sighed heavily. "Not this again."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "What precisely do you mean, Potter?"

"This whole 'Potter' business," Harry muttered. "Look, Dumbledore helped us out and McGonagall's not gonna go against him…We're fine, you don't have to act like this."

"This could cost me my job, Potter. If I lose my job, that will compromise my role as a spy, _especially_ if they cart me off to Azkaban for statutory rape!" Severus snarled.

"Only if we're not careful!" Harry snapped. "I apologize for not asking if you had put up all of these stupid charms first!"

"They are not stupid, Potter, they are for our protection!" Severus retorted. "It is not strictly your fault…I have blame in this as well. For not remembering…for giving into temptation and allowing this to even happen…"

"Don't say that," Harry demanded angrily. He was more frustrated than anything, suddenly panicked that Severus was trying to end things. Hadn't he dealt with enough already? Didn't they deserve to be happy now? "Don't make this sound like a mistake, because it's not."

Severus sneered. "Maybe you _want_ me to be fired, hmm?"

"Merlin, would you just _listen_?" Harry said. "I don't want you to get fired…I wouldn't mind you never having to go back to Voldemort again, but I understand that you…that you need to. And I wouldn't ever want you to risk…to risk getting hurt, but…we've already crossed that line, Severus. We've been fine up until now, but…but you weren't even expecting anything would happen so…We'll just be more careful."

"This is not like Minerva is the first to discover us, Harry," Severus said quietly. "You were foolish enough to allow Theodore Nott to overhear your conversation with Draco and Granger. Remember?"

Harry actually hadn't remembered that until Severus brought it up. Harry was quiet for a moment while he got his thoughts to catch back up to him. "I…I know. I'm sorry. It won't happen again. We'll be more careful."

"You're sixteen!" Severus said, voice just as low as he walked around to sit behind his desk. "You should not have to be in this sort of relationship."

"What sort of relationship?" Harry demanded. "One that takes a little effort? Most relationships are going to have some sort of issues to work through! You're thirty six, you shouldn't have to deal with having a…a…secret! A secret relationship. No more than I should…And I don't want to end it. I think it's worth all of the trouble. Look, we just fixed things up, don't let McGonagall ruin it for us."

Severus sighed heavily and stared at Harry for a few silent moments. Harry stood under his gaze uncertainly, though he tried to stand tall and appear more confident than he actually felt. He did not want Severus getting any ideas that he couldn't handle this or that he was having any doubts at all.

"There are plenty of people your own age, you know…People you could actually chance being seen with," Severus finally said.

"No, I couldn't," Harry argued. "You think I could get close to anyone? I would have to hide things with anyone I was with so Voldemort wouldn't hurt them! So reporters don't hound them! So…A lot of things! No matter who I was with, it would be the same thing…Almost, but you know what I mean…It would not be easy and it would never be normal. And I love _you_…I don't want anyone else, Severus. Stop trying to change my mind about us, because I won't. You said you were going to try to stop pushing me away."

"I would break even that promise if it meant what was best for you," Severus told him, voice so quiet and that gaze and tone filled with so much…intensity and love that it shocked him. Almost immediately Severus looked away and looked as uncomfortable as he always did when he expressed a bit more than he liked. Harry shifted where he stood awkwardly again, not sure what to say or do and suddenly overwhelmed by the knowledge that Severus really, truly did love him and was willing to do so much for him. Everything about him when he spoke those words promised so much and it was amazing.

"I…" Harry began, though he wasn't entirely sure how he was supposed to respond. He felt it was a bit wrong to just ignore how serious a thing it was, but he didn't think acknowledging his feelings on the matter would do much for either of them. "What's best for me is for you to stop trying to…to end things or whatever. I want to be here, with you…If we have to watch everything we say or do just to…to be together, then I…I'll do it. I want to. I've never…I just…I'm not ready to give this up just yet."

Severus smirked, but he didn't seem very amused. "Just yet?"

"It's yet to be determined how long I can put up with your…grouchy, sarcastic meanness," Harry said with a smile.

"As I have yet to determine how long I can put up with your foolish, reckless annoyingness," Severus replied.

"But you're willing to try, right?" Harry said.

Severus snorted. "He takes no subtle hints," he muttered. "Yes, I am willing to try to put up with you."

"Right," Harry said with a grin, feeling immediate relief. "Good." He eagerly stepped forward and around the desk, climbing a bit awkwardly into Severus's lap (not an easy task in that chair), kissing him deeply. "So…uh…we never did get to have that make up sex."

Severus grinned. "Another time, perhaps. We already wasted your detention and you still have lessons, Potter."

"You can always…ah…teach me about…sex, you know. I still have a lot to learn there, right?" Harry suggested, though he slid out of Severus's lap reluctantly.

"There will be plenty of time to learn that particular skill later," Severus said, standing up as well. "As it is, I doubt you'll have any energy left for sex the time we're through."

"It's supposed to be the other way around, you know," Harry said as Severus turned to his wall to give the password. "You're supposed to wear me out so much during _sex_ I can't do anything else."

"Another time, perhaps," Severus said with a smirk, opening the door as it appeared in the wall. "Let's just call this your punishment for all of your disrespect in my classroom."

"Well…That's just cruel," Harry muttered, following him in. As disappointing as it was to not be having sex, Harry found it hard to really be upset. After all, he had what he really wanted…He was back with his Severus and even being caught by McGonagall hadn't turned out too badly. Things could have been a lot worse than missing out on being fucked over Severus's desk. Harry doubted it would be his last opportunity to get make up sex, anyway.

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**Author's Note:** Big apology to my readers! For the long wait for such a short chapter. I hope it's okay, though! I ended up having to do a few revisions to my story notes and I find that every time I've done that, it's given me trouble writing the next chapter. But they're necessary changes, so there's not much that can be done on that front.

Aside from that, I'll admit to feeling a bit burned out on writing this, especially since I've gotten so far into the story so fast. But I think I have that problem figured out…I have another story, If I Don't Belong (and two one shot prequels to it) and I highly recommend that everyone who hasn't go and read them! It's a bit different from how things are in Lost and Damned, which might be a turn off to some people, but to me it's refreshing and something different that I can focus on when I'm having trouble here, which should save me from having to take any sort of hiatus or anything. I'm sorry to say updating may not be as fast as usual because I still have a few kinks to work out in my chapter plans, but hopefully it won't be as long a wait as this one was.

Now, to my readers, I love you so much! Big thanks to everyone who reviewed! Slytherinfighter2011, Dragon Soarer, vampirexsama, Anniriel, xXxElectraxXx, Mossyrock, Mai Sensei, Mia Tun, SexciiLexi, aliengirlguy, fanfitcion-girl, and SevLoverKat, you guys are great and thank you so much for taking the time to comment! You guys really were a great encouragement to me to get this chapter up and done! Lots of love! I hope you guys continue reading, enjoying, and reviewing!

To Dragon Soarer: Yeah, I wasn't sure if it was too fast or not for both of them, lol, but that was how it worked out. Both couples care about each other a great deal and found it really hard to stay away from each other…Though I doubt, even being back together, that either couple will have such an easy time following what happened. Lost and Damned will have 95 chapters (hopefully it stays that way lol) and the sequel will probably be longer than 93, since I'm still not done with it. You were right, though…This chapter took a while and I got a ton of reviews o_o lol!

To Mia Tun: Yeah, I usually update pretty fast lol. But I'm glad you were so happy to see so many new chapters. I know I'd be like happiest person ever if a story I really liked suddenly had multiple new chapters, so I'm glad I was able to do that for someone. I'm glad you're liking everything so far!

To aliengirlguy: I just looked it up. Love it! I can probably put those lyrics to some good use at some point! I love them lots.

To everyone who has mentioned various people's deaths: try not to assume too much ;) You never know what's going to happen _

Chapter title lyrics from "Kiss and Control" by AFI.


	57. The Mess Left From the Secrets That You

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_The Mess Left From the Secrets That You Keep_

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Bright and early Minerva McGonagall was standing inside of his office. Severus wasn't all that surprised to hear the loud knocking on his office door and hastily went to let the old witch in. "I'm surprised you did not pay me a visit earlier," Severus said, some slight annoyance as he walked around his desk to take a seat. "I anticipated to find you waiting here when I arrived back to the dungeons last night."

"Don't you smirk at me, Severus," Minerva warned, glare harsh. "I do not know what you had to do or say to get the headmaster to agree to such nonsense-"

"I doubt anyone could truly make that man think anything he wasn't already prepared to believe," Severus remarked. If she was suggesting he had done anything such as blackmail or using curses or potions to sway Albus, she was truly dense…But Minerva McGonagall knew Dumbledore better than almost anyone, trusted him completely, and knew too well of his skills to actually think something so ridiculous.

"I do not understand in the slightest why he is allowing this affair to continue! Great and wise he is, but even Albus Dumbledore makes mistakes, and this is a very big one!" Minerva exclaimed. "I can hardly believe him for letting this go on, but you! You…How could you, Severus? He's a boy! A sixteen year old _boy_! Men your age do not involve themselves with young boys and not expect some sort of…fornication to take place! He's twenty years younger than you! You cannot expect me to believe this relationship is of innocent love! I am not a foolish woman, Severus."

"Of course not," Severus said dully, wishing she would hurry up and get this over with. Severus felt guilty enough about his relationship with Harry without Minerva coming in and shoving its wrongness in his face. Then again, maybe that was exactly what he deserved.

"Have you nothing to say for yourself?" Minerva demanded.

"Nothing you would believe," Severus replied.

"Despite your past, I have always believed well of you…I trusted Albus and so I trusted you. You have never proven that belief wrong until now," Minerva said.

"It is relieving, then, that I have no care as to what you believe."

"I wouldn't expect you to, now that you have Albus's trust," Minerva said just as coldly as Severus was speaking. "However, I am not going to stand by and just turn a blind eye to this crime, no matter what Albus thinks. I will not stand against him, but believe me, Severus, I will do all that I can to protect Harry from you."

The last time Severus had seen such a strong look of disgust was many years ago from Albus Dumbledore when Severus had first come to him with his regrets for his actions and his fear for the life of Lily Potter. It was hard to take, especially knowing he deserved it. He knew how wrong it was to involve himself with a child. He had known all along…Had known before walking into this relationship with Harry. The immorality of it was a major reason Severus had tried for so long to push Harry away. He deserved every bit of what Minerva was dishing out, and probably so much worse.

Still, Minerva's words could not be enough to change anything. Severus had already sworn to do all he could to keep Harry happy, a promise that was hard to keep, but one he was determined to give his all. By now, Severus didn't think he could bear to let Harry go, even if it _was_ for his own good. Severus had experienced life without Harry and it was not a good one. As annoying as the brat was and as often as they argued, Severus loved him deeply. He had never felt more alive or more happy than he did when he truly let himself be with Harry. The fact that such a strong, powerful, beautiful young man wanted him was astounding and it was a precious gift that Severus was not to take for granted.

What Minerva thought wouldn't change anything. She would try to keep Harry away from him, but she wasn't so cruel or sly or _Slytherin_ enough to go too far in her attempts. She would never go against Albus and turn Severus in to the Ministry because she respected Albus too highly to betray him in such a way. They had never really been close. Severus didn't like having many close relationships. Yet, that look in her eyes was disconcerting to him. He had lost any faith she had in him…She might very well think he really _was_ serving the Dark Lord and was spying on them. She probably thought he was some evil, pedophilic Death Eater who was manipulating Albus and Harry both to serve his "master." He had lost any and all respect she had ever had for him…and it was something about being viewed as such a heinous creature by anyone that bothered him, especially from one of few people he felt did not believe such things.

"Harry is stubborn, you realize? He won't let you talk him out of anything," Severus told her.

"I will find a way to stop this," Minerva assured him. "I will find a way to protect him from you before you hurt him. I would encourage you to put an end to this, but I simply feel there is no use. You've gone too far and you obviously have no hope of seeing any reason."

"_If I left him, it would hurt him,"_ he could imagine himself saying. He could have told her how he would willingly surrender his life, freedom, and happiness if it meant keeping Harry safe. He could tell her how much he loved Harry. But he didn't. She wouldn't believe him no matter what he said, and honestly, there were some things he didn't want to be telling other people. The only person he wanted to tell of his love for Harry was Harry himself…And even _that_ was not a very common occurrence.

"If you would be so kind as to leave, Minerva," Severus said quietly instead.

"Gladly," Minerva said with a huff, walking swiftly towards the door. She paused with her hand on the knob and turned to him. "If you do ever cross that line, or if you have already, I will find out about it, Severus."

Severus turned to homework not graded on his desk as Minerva opened the door and walked out. Minerva wasn't going to give up on this. She was bound and determined to find something and if he and Harry were both not more cautious than they ever had been, they would be in trouble. It was hard enough a secret to keep without people actually trying to look for something. Severus was confident, however, that he would be able to keep them both safe. Minerva would never know anything, would never keep them apart, would never do anything to ruin this. Severus could not and would not let her.

"Goodness, Severus, what did you say to her?"

Severus looked up in surprise to find a new figure standing in his doorway. His old friend, Septima Vector, stood there in dark pink robes, shoving loose strands of her dark brown hair out of her face in irritation. She stood peering out of the door and down the corridor after Minerva a moment before shaking her head and stepping in.

"I was not aware it was polite to pry into the business of others," Severus remarked.

"It was only a question," Septima said, waving him off. She seemed perfectly prepared to drop the subject, but she took a good look at him and frowned. "What's wrong?"

"Did we not just have a discussion about prying?"

"It was not a discussion, so much as a comment on your part," Septima said. "It's not Harry Potter, is it?"

Severus froze, trying not to panic or jump to conclusions. He merely raised his eyebrow and waited for her to elaborate. There was no way she could actually have an idea about it. She probably would have been nearly as upset as Minerva.

"Well you were having problems with him last year, if I recall. And you've had to spend plenty of time with him again this year," Septima reminded him. "He hasn't tried anything else, has he?"

"He's Harry Potter," Severus reminded her, rolling his eyes. His friend she might be, but Severus couldn't confide in her with this. He did figure that getting off of the subject of Harry might be helpful, though. He was prepared to ask her why she had come here, but Septima quickly spoke.

"Are you still denying your feelings for him, then?" Septima asked with a teasing smile.

Severus glared at her.

"Oh I'm only joking, Severus," Septima said. "It's not like it would do you any good."

_Certainly isn't at the moment_, Severus thought. Not bothering to dignify her statement with a response, and honestly a bit eager to get off of the subject. "Are you done wasting my time? Is there a reason you're here, Septima?"

Septima gave him an odd look that Severus did not find comforting at all. She said nothing more on the subject, however, and gave a nod of her head. "I told you of my sister Octavia, didn't I? She's a lesbian and she's been with her partner for many years now. They wish to expand their family, but the Ministry will not allow them to adopt and St. Mungo's is not allowed to…aid them in their attempts at having a child. Neither Octavia or Seraphina feel particularly comfortable hunting down a strange man to…_aid_ them…"

Severus just stared at her. He did not like the idea of where this was going. It wasn't like he had never been interested in a woman before. There had been Lily and he had bedded a few females from time to time, but his interests lay mostly with men. It wasn't as if he knew Octavia or Seraphina enough to not be considered a strange man. No…That was a request too strange to make, surely. And it wasn't as if he was a Healer and could help them with anything St. Mungo's did fertilization-wise. He was a potions master, yes, but he had never bothered with issues of birth control or fertilization potions or anything of that matter.

His thoughts ran away with him while Septima pulled her own thoughts together to get her request out. "Anyway, I was wondering if there was anything you could do to help them? Is there any way they could…are there any potions that would allow them to create a child…together?"

"There is a highly frowned upon sex changing potion," Severus suggested, his own concerns having brought him to that one idea. He had gotten quite a bit of a negative reaction from people for helping an old classmate in making the sex changing potion. Poor Wesley Davenport (now Willa Davies) had suffered a great deal of ridicule for his change and ended up moving to another country, but Severus, at least, had gotten a good bit of money for his help.

"If either of them could stand the sight of a penis, maybe they could," Septima said.

"So it wasn't just strange men they didn't want?"

"All men are strange to them," Septima said with a smile. "So, is it possible? Are there any potions that could do that?"

"Not that I am aware of," Severus replied. "There has never been a big call for it. Too many people are too afraid to even announce their sexual preferences, let alone willing to out themselves by having a child together."

"I thought that would be the case," Septima said with a sigh. "Do you think there might be any chance you could…invent one, by any chance? I don't want to be a bother, but it's very important to them both and they're willing to pay whatever they can."

Severus paused and thought for a minute. The idea of helping a happy young couple have a family didn't exactly warm his heart, but the prospect of inventing such a potion…Not that the world needed any more brats, but it was promising. He was willing to bet he could make decent money from such a thing and it could add one more thing to the list of his accomplishments. He did relish a good challenge and having to go against nature in such a way without changing the anatomy of either woman to do so…

"I am a very busy man, Septima. I cannot promise to devote all of my time to such a project, especially these days. But I will see if I can do something," Severus agreed. "It could take a long time, but it is an interesting prospect."

Septima smiled. "An attempt is all we can hope for. Thank you, Severus."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Severus spent his day jotting down starting notes for the new potion in between lessons. Harry's mind was just as full that day with nothing but irritation from that morning. In the hour before his first class, McGonagall called him to her office.

"Student-teacher relationships are highly inappropriate," McGonagall had said. "No matter what Professor Snape tells you, you must be realistic. What man in his thirties 'falls in love' with a sixteen year old boy? That isn't love, Harry; it is lust." He had been nervous to start with, but the more she talked, the more furious he became. He had to clench his fists as she basically referred to Severus as a pedophile and kept himself from snapping at her. "The headmaster might trust Severus Snape, but no good can come from this, Mr. Potter. Professor Snape spent many years hating you because he hated your father. Those sorts of things do not just go away. Think about it…" So apparently Severus was with him as revenge on his dead father…

It was ridiculous.

"Sod off," Harry finally snapped, losing Gryffindor fifty points and a very indignant tirade following from McGonagall about respecting teachers and what a bad influence Severus was being and the sort of attitude he had been carrying the past few weeks.

He had been very tempted to skip Transfiguration that day.

"You can't just skip class…" Hermione had told him.

"I told her to sod off," Harry said dryly.

Hermione looked horrified and Harry had been prepared to tell her and Draco about the events of the night before, but remembering Severus's warning of caution, asked them to meet him in the Room of Requirement before dinner so he could tell them. It was the best place he could think of to talk to them about those sorts of things, without worrying about other people being around to overhear.

It had been a long day and the time classes were done with, Harry was eager to get to the Room of Requirement to spend time with his friends and get this all off of his chest. At least he had the good news of his making up with Severus to share with them along with the craziness of last night.

"Harry!" called out a familiar voice on the way and Harry smiled and slowed down to allow Hermione time to catch up. She clutched her books against her chest and slowed down beside him, sucking in deep breaths. "Draco better be waiting…I _really_ want to hear this explanation," Hermione said stiffly, giving him a hard and suspicious look.

"I'm sure he's on his way," Harry assured her, digging around in his bag to pull out the Marauder's Map. Might as well see where Draco was and he was a bit curious to see if McGonagall was having a talk with Severus or Dumbledore or not. He could imagine her returning to try to "talk some sense" into Dumbledore before long. He moved back against a wall to take a quick look. Severus was in his office alone and he couldn't help but smirk and roll his eyes when he saw McGonagall's name in Dumbledore's office.

"There he is…With Nott!" Hermione said, jabbing her finger on the map. It was the boy's lavatory on this very floor. Harry frowned and looked at the two names and glanced up at Hermione who looked worried. Draco and Nott together could only mean one thing these days.

"Might not hurt to go see what they're up to," Harry said quietly, folding the Map back up and stuffing it back into his bag.

"I'm sure Draco will tell us what happened when he gets to us," Hermione said, following Harry as he walked swiftly down the corridor.

"Yeah, I know, but what if they're doing something we can…I dunno, stop?" Harry replied. "If Draco can't give up his act as a spy, the least we can do is intervene where we can."

Hermione frowned, but nodded. Harry couldn't help but feel a bit guilty…That _was_ the truth. It would be good to be able to interrupt if Draco and Nott were doing something really bad. Another part of Harry, though, didn't trust Draco as completely as he thought he had. He wanted to know what he could, just on that off chance that Draco _wouldn't_ tell them…Just in case…

Outside of the door, Harry dropped his bag on the floor where Hermione was waiting with it. He pressed his ear against the door but couldn't hear anything and moved to quietly open it, peering inside. He was surprised that the first voice he heard was that of Moaning Myrtle. "-ell me what's wrong…I can help you…"

Scrunching his eyebrows together in confusion, Harry stepped inside further, moving as slowly and quietly as possible. Moaning Myrtle was standing just outside of a cubicle, speaking to Draco Malfoy who was standing at a sink. Harry glanced around, surprised that he didn't see Nott anywhere. Had he just left? Harry hadn't seen him.

"No one can help me," Draco said, his whole body shaking. He was crying, Harry realized. Tears streamed down his pale face and he gasped and gulped before managing enough control to go on. "I can't do it….I can't…it won't work…and unless I do it soon he says he'll kill me…"

With another deep breath and shudder, Draco looked up, surprise lighting his face when he saw Harry's reflection in the mirror over his shoulder. Before either boy could say anything, another stall opened. "Really, Draco, is there any reason to be crying like a girl?" said Nott, walking out and straightening his robes. Draco looked surprised to see him there and apparently hadn't had any idea the other boy was in there. Nott paused when he saw Harry, eyes narrowing. "And in front of an audience…I wonder how much he heard."

Nott drew his wand and instinctively Harry pulled out his own. Draco looked back and forth wildly between them in a panic. The hex Nott sent missed him by inches, shattering the lamp on the wall beside him. "Malfoy, suck it up and get him!" Nott exclaimed while Harry threw a nonverbal _Levicorpus_ at him, but Nott easily deflected it.

"No! Stop it!" cried Moaning Myrtle. Draco opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out and he sank back against the sink, staring in shock as Harry and Nott hurled hexes at one another. One of them hit the cistern beneath Moaning Myrtle who was screaming and sobbing loudly. Water poured everywhere and the boys began slipping as they ran after one another, screaming more curses.

"Harry! Harry what-Oh my God!" Hermione had burst into the bathroom and stared wide eyed at the scene before her.

"M-Mione, go get help!" Draco told her.

"Harry! Harry stop it!" Hermione said instead, pulling out her wand.

Harry had hardly noticed Hermione's entrance until she shouted his name. He quickly glanced over his shoulder, but had to turn back to Nott as the boy sent another hex at him, this one flying over his shoulder towards Hermione. Draco immediately jumped forward and pushed Hermione out of the way and proceeded to pull her towards the door. "Go get help, Mione, please! I…I'll do something. Okay?"

"There's no need to play lovey with the Mudblood now!" Nott shouted as the door closed. "Damn it, Draco! _Crucio_!" Nott shouted, his wand pointing at Draco this time. Draco's screams echoed throughout the lavatory and the moment Harry heard the curse he had pointed his own wand more firmly at Nott, shouting "_SECTUMSEMPRA_!"

Blood spurted from Nott's face, chest, and stomach as though he had been slashed with an invisible sword. He staggered backwards and collapsed onto the waterlogged floor with a great splash, his wand falling from his limp left hand.

"No!" Harry gasped.

"Merlin!" Draco exclaimed, staring bug-eyed at his old friend, struggling to his feet, body still twitching in the aftershocks of his pain as he backed up.

Harry meanwhile moved forward, slipping and staggering. Nott's face was shining scarlet, his white hands a startling contrast against the black of his robes and the bright red of his own blood. Those hands scrabbled against his blood-soaked chest.

"No…I didn't…"

Harry didn't know what he was saying. He fell to his knees beside Nott who was shaking uncontrollably in a pool of his own blood. Moaning Myrtle was screaming about murder in the bathroom, but Harry could pay no attention. This couldn't be happening. He couldn't be capable of this…

"Harry…Harry c-come here," Draco was saying.

The door banged open behind Harry and he looked up, terrified. Severus appeared with Hermione trailing behind him. Severus was livid; Hermione looked scared and then completely horrified as she gasped at the sight of Nott. "Harry?"

Hermione made to move forward, but Draco stepped out to tug her towards him, encircling his arms around her. Hermione clutched at him, still gaping at Nott and Harry while Severus approached, kneeling down over Nott and drawing his wand. Harry flinched, but relaxed a bit as Severus drew the wand over the deep cuts Harry's curse had made in Nott's body, muttering an incantation that sounded almost like a song. "_Vulnera Sanentur…_" The flow of blood seemed to ease. Severus wiped the residue from Nott's face and repeated the spell. Now the wounds seemed to be knitting.

Harry could only gape, completely horrified by what he had done. He had nearly killed Nott! He was barley aware that he was covered in blood and water…Barely aware of Moaning Myrtle's sobbing…Hardly aware at all of his two best friends huddled against the wall. All he knew was that Severus was healing Nott. When Seveurs had performed the counter curse for the third time, he half lifted Nott into a standing position.

"You need the hospital wing," Severus told him. "There may be a certain amount of scarring, but if you take dittany immediately we might avoid even that…Malfoy! Granger! Escort Mr. Nott to the infirmary."

Nodding weakly, the two stepped forward and stood on either side of Nott, helping him out of the door. Nott made no comments about the "Mudblood" helping him.

"Go," Severus commanded Moaning Myrtle, his voice of cold fury. Myrtle wasted no time swooping back into her toilet and leaving.

"I didn't mean it to happen," Harry said quietly, though his voice still echoed in the room. "I didn't know what that spell did." Harry could hardly even remember where he had heard that spell.

"Which is precisely why I _told _you not to use anything in that book," Severus growled. Harry flinched at the sound, his eyes then growing wide as he realized what he meant.

"You? You invented that…that?" Harry sputtered.

"It was in my book, was it not?" Severus snapped, reaching down to grab Harry's shirt, yanking him to his feet.

"I…Yes…It was," Harry said, licking his lips. He remembered now, the curse scribbled down with _for enemies_ beneath it.

"Do you make it a habit of using spells you know nothing of?" Severus growled.

"N…no," Harry said as Severus backed him into a wall.

"Do you take potions without knowing what they do? Do you touch magical objects you know nothing of? Are you really so dense that you would foolishly brandish spells and potions and other objects you know nothing of, that could be very deadly? Does nothing at all get through that thick skull of yours? Do you even _think_? Does that miniscule mind of yours do _anything _other than encouraging you to be a complete moron?"

"Shut up!" Harry shouted. "Look, I'm sorry-!"

"You could have killed him!" Severus hissed.

"I know!" Harry exclaimed. "I-"

"Shut. Up," Severus growled. "Bring me that book, Potter. I want it in my office _immediately_. You will serve an actual _detention_ tonight _with Filch_ and you are _not_ to have your lessons today. Is that understood?"

"Severus-"

Black eyes flashed angrily and Severus slammed his hand over Harry's mouth with force enough to bruise. His lips and teeth ached and his hand tightened around his wand instinctively and twitched. Severus wouldn't really hurt him, though, and Harry didn't have enough in him…too upset over what he had done to be properly mad like he might have any other time with this sort of treatment from Severus. "Professor Snape," Severus hissed in correction. "Or do you really want to risk doing more damage today?"

Severus let go of him and stormed out of the room, taking care to slam the door loudly behind him while Harry sank down to the floor, staring at the water stained pink from blood on the floor.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note:** This chapter came more easily for me, thank God, lol. Sorry for the delay, I in two days had a test in every single one of my classes so I was doing some hardcore studying. I do have to work this weekend, so I don't know how much I can get done, but I will do my best to have part 2 completed by the end of next week. Only 5 more chapters in Part 2!

In other news, I did complete my outline for the sequel. Towards the end I'm a bit iffy, so the chapter count might not be totally accurate, but as of now the sequel is planned to have 99 chapters. I am also (at the moment) debating between using "Hurricane" by 30 Seconds to Mars or "Love You to Death" by London After Midnight for sequel titles…But I still have a ways to go before I can even start on that story, so we'll just have to see!

Now, let's celebrate me getting to 300 reviews! Big thanks to my reviewers: xXxElectraxXx, slytherinfighter2011, Mai Sensei, Mia Tun, SexciiLexi, vampirexsama, Dragon Soarer, MagicalWinry, and Vaettr!

To xXxElectraxXx: I promise, there will be make up sex eventually! I enjoy snarry sex too much not to do as much as I can hehehe.

To slytherinfighter2011: rofl fan girl moment! I'm glad you like it so much!

To Mia Tun: No hair pulling! As much as I enjoy strong, emotional reactions from my audience (as it lets me know I'm doing such a good job :D)…is not good. Thank you for the forgiveness and I'm glad you're liking it! Also a big, huge thanks for the suggestions! I'm definitely using one of them for this chapter. Oh…and I enjoyed the poetics lol.

To vampirexsama: I agree, I kept feeling like she should have done more, but I couldn't see her going against Dumbledore so much, especially right then. Methinks she was a bit shocked and too upset to put much into it right then and there, though it obviously was not the end of her attempts at "righting" things.

To Dragon Soarer: Dun be late! Though I am sort of pleased that the story is so interesting it makes people lose track of time and give off fan girl squeals and such things! I do write a lot, lol. The biggest thing keeping me going are my story outlines. It makes keeping up with the story a lot easier, but I always have so many ideas that a short story wouldn't go over so well…I'd probably have like 10 or 20 or 30 or so sequels, at any rate, lol. Of course, the fact that it is so long is what sort of gave me troubles coming up with a good place to end things in the sequel, but oh well. It only means you'll have plenty of snarry to enjoy and that their story won't be ending for a while, even if I DO update quickly lol. I do need to look up that fanfic, though. I loooove snarry so much and I'm always looking for new stories to read!

To MagicalWinry: I'm glad you're loving it and thanks for the sheer amount of reviews you left! Lol!

Big thanks to my reviewers, I love you all so much! I and this story would be nowhere without your encouragement and I really and truly appreciate it!

Chapter title lyrics from "Liar" by Egypt Central.


	58. Only I Can See Inside of You

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Only I Can See Inside of You_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Severus wasn't in his office when Harry arrived with the Potions text book. Of course not. Harry was mildly annoyed, but mostly disappointed when his lover was no where to be found. Harry patted the front of his shirt to feel for the necklace he had gotten from Severus, tempted to sneak a peak at the password and go into his rooms to look, but decided against it. Severus was furious with him at the moment and Harry didn't much blame him. He was also tempted to just take his Potions textbook back with him since Severus wasn't there to take it, but he ended up leaving the book on the edge of Severus's desk and frowned as he left. It didn't feel very right to part with the book, but Harry wasn't going to fight it much at the moment. Instead he focused on heading to the Room of Requirement, surprised to see Draco and Hermione waiting for him.

The room was perfect…Equipped with a fireplace, a desk where Hermione's homework was spread out, a coffee table full of snacks, and plenty of comfortable furniture surrounding it. Hermione had been sitting at the chair in front of the desk, though she had turned it towards the chair Draco was seated in near the fireplace. She had a quill in her hand she was twirling around absentmindedly. Draco was finishing up an origami bird in his lap before tossing it up and quickly waving his wand so that it began flapping its parchment wings and flying around the room. "-nno what to do," Draco was saying as Harry opened the door.

Hermione sat up straight, eyes growing wide when she noticed Harry. The next instant she jumped up and ran over to him, throwing her arms around him and hugging him tightly. "God, Harry! Are you alright?" she asked, letting her quill fall to the floor as she tugged Harry over to the couch and sitting down right beside him.

"I guess," Harry said. It felt so wrong sitting here with them. He felt like he should go see how Nott was doing, even if the boy was an arse. Or he could be trying to work things out with Severus…But there wasn't much he could do for now. "Severus is mad at me. And we only _just _made things right."

"Wait, you two made up?" Draco asked.

"Mhm," Harry said, taking a deep breath. "Made up last night…Nearly had sex over his desk…Got caught snogging by McGonagall…Got dragged to Dumbledore's office…Dumbledore managed to sort of talk to her about us and get her to not report us…Severus nearly tried to end things again after that, but we ended up okay…Then today McGonagall calls me into her office to basically call Severus a pedophile and tell me he's just using me and all sorts of other shite that made me tell her to sod off…Then the whole thing with Nott and he's pissed again."

It wasn't the most detailed explanation, but Harry didn't have the energy to tell the whole damn story.

"Oh, Harry, you really shouldn't talk to a teacher that way no matter what," Hermione said with a frown. "Though…She _caught_ you together?"

"Mhm," Harry said, nodding his head.

"Damn cock block," Draco muttered. "What did Dumbly tell her?"

"Went on about how we loved each other and weren't having sex," Harry said, unable to help but grin at the last part.

Draco snorted. "Did she buy that? You're both men and _you're_ a teenager."

"No…Though she blames that on Severus being a nasty, horny pedophile," Harry muttered.

"Does _Dumbledore_ seriously think that?" Draco went on.

"I have no clue…Probably not," Harry said. "Though as long as he doesn't _know_ I figure it's okay."

"You two really should be more careful, Harry," Hermione said with a frown.

"I _know_," Harry said in annoyance, trying not to snap at her. As if he hadn't heard it enough already from different people.

"What's the fun if you eliminate the thrill of being caught?" Draco asked with a mischievous smirk.

"Severus keeps his job and stays out of jail," Harry replied.

"It wouldn't just be bad on Professor Snape, either," Hermione said. "Not only would a teacher-student relationship end up in the _Prophet_ but it would stay there a while because of Harry. Even if no real punishment would be given to Harry as the so-called 'victim' of the situation, there would be those out there who would treat him badly…_Especially_ since he's gay and you know how people are about that. They'd go crazy if their Chosen One was a homosexual and they'd probably bother him more than they ever have because of it."

"Sheesh, it was a joke," Draco laughed. "I know it's bad, I was just trying to lighten the mood."

"We do not need to lighten the mood!" Hermione snapped. "This is very serious, Draco!"

"I know it's serious, Hermione!" Draco snapped back. "But I don't think forcing him to have a panic attack will fix things. We can chill out and still recognize how bad things are and that there are things we need to do."

"How can we accomplish that if we're not taking anything seriously?" Hermione demanded indignantly.

"Just agree to disagree, I'm tired of listening to you two fight," Harry muttered. "We have other things to focus on anyway…Like how I almost killed someone."

"Where _did_ you learn that?" Draco asked curiously.

Harry glanced at Hermione and hesitated, though her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Erm…My potions textbook."

Draco cocked an eyebrow. "You learned a Dark curse from a _potions_ te-"

"_The Half Blood Prince_?" Hermione hissed.

"Severus," Harry said with a nod, reminding her that he had told her that Severus was the one who had owned the book.

"Yes, and the last I recall he agreed with me that the things in that book were dangerous!" Hermione snapped.

"Yes, I remember," Harry snapped back, glaring at her.

"Wait, what?" Draco asked in confusion.

"Harry-" Hermione began.

"Look, don't worry about it. Severus already made me give the book back anyway," Harry said.

"I'm confused," Draco said. "What about Severus?"

"The book I've been using used to be his…He had written down a lot of _corrections_ to the directions and scribbled spells he made up in the margins," Harry explained. "He tried to confiscate it before, but I sort of promised not to be stupid with it."

Draco grinned. "And he trusted you with it?"

Harry glowered at him. "I was trying to protect _you_."

Hermione looked confused and Draco frowned. Harry glanced between them. "Wait, you didn't tell her what happened?"

"What happened?" Hermione demanded.

"Nott used the Cruciatus Curse against Draco," Harry explained.

"So all in all, the prat deserved it," Draco muttered with a huff, flipping his blond hair out of his face dramatically.

"Nearly killing someone isn't the answer," Hermione said weakly, though she slid off of the couch and walked over to Draco. Harry was glad they were back together, but seeing that soft look of adoration Draco gave Hermione as he pulled her into his lap made him envy them, his heart aching in his craving for his lover. Somehow, Harry doubted things would be so good between him and Severus if he went to see the man now.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The next few days were not much better. He began performing poorly in Potions (though not as badly as he had when Severus was teaching the subject…He at least scraped As, but they weren't very pleasing since he was used to top marks this year), to Slughorn's chagrin. Hermione and Draco were both pleased by this development. He had detentions for a few nights with Filch and a very cleverly placed one during the last Quidditch match of the year. Ginny was having to take over as Seeker and at least Katie was back from St. Mungo's and able to take over her usual position. Nott hadn't left the infirmary yet and apparently all of the teachers knew about the incident. McGonagall used the opportunity to call him into her office again to scold him for attacking a fellow student in such an awful manner and hinted at bad influences in his life.

The worst of things was with Severus. In class he was as big of a bully as ever, attacking him nearly as much as he did Neville. Lessons resumed the day following the incident with Nott, but that Thursday night was far from being better. Severus was harder on him than ever and teased him about enjoying Dark magic and even made a particularly nasty comment about becoming the next Dark Lord. Harry had been too upset to bother trying to stick around and make up with Severus, still feeling too horrified by what he had done to Nott. The following day it had only angered him beyond all belief and he had bit his tongue the best he could, trying not to let Severus provoke him too much.

He spent Saturday morning finishing up his detention while the Quidditch match went on. He had to organize files and records of old punishments, a decidedly boring job. He almost thought he'd rather clean, so that he'd actually be _doing_ something. It wasn't as if he wasn't used to cleaning. He had way too much time on his hands to obsess over how the game was going. Was it good for Katie to be playing again so soon after leaving St. Mungo's? Was Ginny really that strong of a Seeker? Should he have really let Dean back on the team as a Chaser? Was it smart to have not replaced Cormac already? How good was Ravenclaw?

Damn it, Severus.

Quidditch was one of very few activities these days he was able to do and actually enjoy doing, but no. He had to ruin it for him. And the last match of the year, too! Severus had every right to be mad, but did he have to be such an arse about it? Harry snorted. Of course he did…He wouldn't be Severus otherwise, would he?

He was finally done with all of it around one in the afternoon and immediately ran off. He paused when he was near the pitch, but it all looked still and quiet from where he stood. He then took off towards Gryffindor Tower, where the team was sure to be after every game. He felt anxious as he went and met no one in the corridors who might give him some clue as to the outcome of the game.

"Quid agis!" he said to the Fat Lady who immediately swung open the door.

A roar of celebration met his ears and Harry felt himself being dragged into the room. Everyone was jumping and exclaiming loudly and singing songs he could barely make out. Katie was clutching the silver Cup and holding it up over her head for everyone to see and she waved it around a bit when she saw Harry, grinning broadly. Harry grinned back, glad to see Hermione and Ginny pushing through the crowd towards him. She threw her arms around him and Harry went to hug her back, stunned by the feel of soft lips on his, his brain completely freezing in shock, panic, and horror as Ginny kissed him. Everything was too frozen for him to even consider moving away.

Finally, Ginny pulled herself away, her eyes wide as she realized what she had done. "Oh God…Harry…I…Damn it," Ginny muttered while her voice was drowned out by loud wolf-whistles and nervous giggles. Harry glanced up over Ginny's head, seeing a furious looking Dean (they had only broken up days ago), an even angrier Romilda Vane, and a cringing Hermione. "Just…caught up in the excitement…We won!" Ginny exclaimed, false enthusiasm in her voice and grin, panic all too clear in her bright brown eyes. She was blushing furiously and tugged Harry over to the couch where Hermione joined them. "We won by four hundred and fifty to a hundred and forty!"

Ginny and Katie were the main ones to catch him up on the details of the match, Cormac interjecting about his particularly impressive moves now and then while everyone ignored him entirely. By the time that was done, Ginny sent Hermione a look and both girls stood and headed towards the dormitories and Hermione glanced over her shoulder to shoot Harry a meaningful stare, though he wasn't sure what to make of it.

"Well…erm…I have detention to get to," Harry lied about an hour later, standing up.

"Didn't you have detention this morning?" Katie asked, confused.

Damn it. "Er…Yeah. But you know it's never enough for Se-Snape and Filch," Harry explained.

"Yeah," she said frowning. "Apparently, you've been in detention all year, haven't you?"

"Mhm. They have a vendetta against me, I swear it," Harry laughed. "Hopefully it won't be too long. I'll see you all at dinner!"

"Don't be late! Don't want to keep your girlfriend waiting!" Lavender giggled.

Harry smiled uneasily and walked out of the common room and walking as quickly as he dared down to the dungeons. He passed McGonagall on the third floor so he ended up walking all the way around to the boy's lavatory and waited there for a few minutes before sneaking back out to head back on his path, luckily without her and her suspicious stares. In the dungeons there was a large group of Slytherins hanging about. Daphne and Astoria Greengrass, Tracey Davis, Pansy Parkinson, Millicent Bulstrode, Gregory Goyle, Blaise Zabini, and a few younger years Harry didn't recognize all gathered around Nott. Harry quickly ducked into a nearby closet to avoid being seen, figuring it wasn't smart to get so tangled up in a large group of Slytherins and especially didn't want to get caught sneaking into Severus's office more than necessary. When the voices grew louder and then died out, Harry dared to sneak back out and quickly ran into Severus's office and pulled out his necklace, checking the password before giving it to the wall, waiting anxiously while the door slowly appeared.

He spent a lot of time in the common room feeling horrible, wondering what he was going to do about Ginny. He loved her…But only like a sister. And she still had feelings for him…He didn't want to hurt her, but Harry had no idea how to not do so.

It was only towards the end that he _really_ got to thinking about how _Severus_ would feel about all of this and figured it would be safer to just tell him than risk letting him stumble onto the memory while in Occlumency lessons.

Severus wasn't in the living room so Harry moved swiftly towards the bedroom, barging in without much care. Severus was looking up at him with a raised eyebrow from the desk by the window. He had a quill hovering over a piece of parchment and was giving Harry the same cold look he had been shooting him for days. "It appears your dearest team did just fine without you today," Severus sneered.

Harry wanted to hit him. Hard.

"Ginny kissed me," he said, glaring at the man, actually hoping it hurt.

That cold gaze was quickly burning up into wild anger and Harry watched those long fingers wrap more tightly around his quill, threatening to snap it. "Come to gloat, then?"

"I didn't say I kissed her back, did I?" Harry snapped. "Thought you might want to know."

Severus laughed and it was a dangerous sound. "What did she do to displease you so? To wish such bad fortune on young Miss Weasley?"

"I dunno…I actually dunno why I thought it would matter. You have no interest in snogging me anymore, might as well go enjoy it somewhere," he snapped, turning around to head back out. He barely made two steps before he was spun around and pushed back, stumbling and nearly falling, but held up by a vice grip on his arms as Severus slammed him into the door, closing it.

"Do not threaten me," Severus growled.

"I didn't think it mattered," Harry muttered sarcastically.

Severus looked like he might kiss him. That wild, obsessed, jealous look had taken him over once more and he was breathing heavily against Harry's mouth, only an inch or two away. Harry licked his lips, eyes drawn down to those pale, thin lips and trying desperately to keep his look stern and on Severus's gaze. "I'm not going to kiss you," Severus said quietly.

"I don't want you to," Harry lied. Every inch of his body was screaming at him to close that distance, pride be damned, but he ignored the longing that consumed him. He clenched his fists and held his arms determinedly at his sides. "Let me go."

Severus slowly slid his hands away, but he didn't move at all, just glaring at him.

"It's been days…I said I was sorry! You don't have to be such a fucking prick!" Harry ranted. "I feel horrible. I understand that I made a mistake. You can't keep doing this, though. Are you going to be mad at me forever?"

"More than likely, though I'm sure the reasons will change over time," Severus remarked.

Harry almost laughed.

"I trusted you to keep your word," Severus told him, voice resuming its cold tone while his eyes still burned in a black fire that warmed his body and made breathing impossible.

Harry felt awful. He did every time Severus pointed out something of that manner, though it was more accusatory than mocking. Harry swallowed hard and nodded. "I didn't remember where I had seen it. I panicked, Severus! He'd just Crucio-ed Draco."

Severus's eyes grew wide…He apparently hadn't known that particular detail. Harry relaxed a bit at the sight of the look, though Severus immediately sensed this and glared. "That changes nothing, Potter."

Harry sighed heavily and wanted to bang his head back against the door. "C'mon! I didn't mean to! Even so…It _could_ be useful. I still think you should have taught me some of that stuff…You guys expect me to go to war with Voldemort and his Death Eaters not armed with something like that?"

Severus's eyes flashed even more angrily. "Have you any idea how _addictive_ Dark magic can be, Potter? Do you have any sort of understanding at how…_deadly_ it can be, especially in inexperienced and foolish hands?"

"As long as it's a danger to the right people…" Harry began.

"But it could just as easily be a danger to the _wrong_ people!" Severus snapped.

"And just what did you expect to do with a curse like that, Severus?" Harry snarled and immediately regretted it as Severus slowly stepped back, only a moment of betrayal flashing across his face before it was covered by a cold mask Harry hated to see.

"Realizing just the sort of man you've involved yourself with?" Severus asked icily.

"Stop it," Harry said weakly, wanting to bang his head into the wall over and over and hunt down a Time Turner and go back and start this whole thing over again. He was disgusted with himself. "Look, I know, it was twenty or so years ago, right? I'm just tired of you acting like this! It was your spell! You shouldn't get to be _this _mad at me for using it! I _need you_, Severus! Do you think I felt good about seeing the sort of thing I was capable of doing? Do you think I was proud that I hurt Nott that much? I was freaking out, Severus! I was horrified with myself!"

Severus stared at him for a long moment and Harry wiggled nervously under his scrutiny. He had felt like a monster, he thought, and Severus seemed to understand that. Harry felt more awful for Severus now than ever. Harry knew exactly what Severus thought of himself and he hated it. Somehow Harry doubted his actions and even his comments today had helped the situation any…Maybe even making things worse.

"I will never condone such blatant disrespect again," Severus said quietly. "If I ever catch you using one of those spells outside of the battlefield, I will use every last one of them against you."

His words made Harry feel safe, loved. Something about that promise in his tone, that almost pleading sound…The way he looked at him. Severus didn't think he was a monster. He was not happy, but he didn't think as badly of him as Harry thought of himself. He didn't hate him.

"Even if it's self defense?" Harry asked quietly.

"_Defense_ against the Dark Arts has never taught you to _use_ Dark magic, has it?" Severus asked, eyebrow raised.

"Well, you should teach me a good _defense_ then," Harry replied, reaching out to grasp Severus's robes, pulling him back closer, pleased when Severus hesitantly reached out to slide his arms around his waist.

"What have I been doing for nearly two years, Potter?" Severus growled.

"I dunno…Never paid much attention," Harry laughed shakily.

"Too distracted?" he purred, leaning in closer so that their lips were nearly touching and Harry's lips tingled with need to close that distance.

"Mhm," he muttered, licking his lips.

"Hmm…I shouldn't let you get off so easily," Severus muttered. "I planned on making you suffer for at least a week."

"Stop being so bloody stubborn," Harry said, leaning in, though Severus pulled back just enough to get away from the kiss, though not enough to break that torturous distance. "S'been too long."

It really had been. They had only just made up when everything started going wrong between McGonagall and Nott. They had barely gotten the chance to do much of anything other than snog for a few minutes. Harry had missed him terribly and wanted nothing more than to just be with him right now. He wanted to make some smooth comment about make up sex, but given his failure in the art of seduction…Well, it didn't have much to do with that, really, and instead a lot more to do with the close proximity to his lover and how that warm breath and the closeness of that body he loved melting his brain and making it harder and harder to think clear thoughts.

"So…Tell me about Miss Weasley's kiss," Severus murmured.

"Wonderful. Amazing, really," he replied quietly, half irritated with this game and half wanting to set Severus off again. "Best sn-"

And Severus's mouth was on his, hard and demanding and on the verge of painful. Harry grasped him tightly and kissed him back eagerly, pressing his hips eagerly against Severus. Harry heard and felt the words "impatient", "wanton", "incorrigible", "insatiable", "brat", "horny teenager", "idiotic boy", "desperate fool" and other things murmured against his mouth between kisses while Severus backed them up and turned as they reached his desk, pushing Harry against it. It wasn't the desk in his office, but Harry was too far gone to really pay attention to much, anyway. Severus's hand slid down and was palming his erection while he moved his mouth to lick and suck at Harry's neck while his free hand reached out and wandlessly, nonverbally summoned the lube from the dresser drawer.

Worshipping bodies, slow lovemaking, and other such romantic gestures could be saved for later. At the moment, both men were too desperate and had gone too long without their lover to wait any longer for what they wanted. Their hands scrambled to Harry's trousers at the same time, fighting over the button for a minute before Harry let go and let Severus have at it while Harry worked on clumsily unbuttoning the front of Severus's robes.

Hands roughly turned him around and tugged down his trousers. Cool, slick fingers pressed between his cheeks and one finger slid inside of him. Harry gasped at the sensation and eagerly pressed back against it. He knew it would hurt unless Severus prepared him, but part of him didn't care. He was too anxious to get to it to wait very long. He could hear Severus fumbling with his own pants with one hand, though he seemed to manage with greater ease than Harry might have been able to. Harry had barely been able to do undo Severus's robes by himself with two hands.

Severus's lips moved against his neck while one hand grasped his hip and his finger began sliding in and out of him, a second finger added more hastily than usual. There was a slight burning sensation, but nothing Harry cared much about. "Now," Harry gasped. "Please. Now. Can't…Please…I…" he said, though he didn't really know what he wanted to say exactly, only that he wanted this and wanted Severus so much. He was dizzy and completely lost in this haze of desire.

His plea wasn't met immediately, though Severus didn't wait too long. He didn't even bother with the third finger as usual and Harry was grateful when he finally felt Severus's cock push into him and Harry eagerly pushed back. It hurt a bit, but Harry didn't care…All of the burning and aching was fine because Harry was too eager to get to the good part he knew was to come. Slick fingers wrapped around his cock and stroked him firmly. Harry bucked back against him excitedly and Severus didn't bother teasing him like he usually did. Despite his many attempts to prove otherwise, Severus wanted and needed this just as much as Harry. Only his arm around Harry, holding him enough away from the desk to avoid painful hits as Severus's hips slammed into Harry's, proved that there was sobriety enough to take some precautions. Otherwise it was wild, frenzied _fucking_. Severus pushed deeply into Harry, hard and fast, panting heavily against Harry's neck and shoulder, kissing and licking and biting now and then. There wasn't much care for much else and Harry enjoyed it. He met every thrust of Severus's hips and moaned and begged and pleaded senselessly.

It was amazing…Driven by desire and need and desperation…Fuelled by lust and anger and jealousy and gratefulness and devotion.

It was amazing.

All too fast, Harry felt the familiar waves of pleasure crashing over him. He had eagerly wanted to cum as soon as possible, but now that he had he wished it had lasted longer. His body sagged against the desk and he held onto the edges tightly for support while Severus continued fucking him from behind, taking on force that shook Harry's whole body and even the desk he was holding onto. The panting and growling being emitted by Severus were almost animalistic by this point and if Harry hadn't already cum, he was sure the sound of it would have driven him over the edge.

Finally he felt Severus cum inside of him and instead of collapsing onto Harry, he grabbed him tightly and fell back into his chair, pulling Harry with him. His arms loosened a bit, but just enough for Harry to be comfortable. Harry relaxed back against him, feeling sated and he smiled lazily while Severus caught his breath before pressing a kiss to the back of his shoulder.

"I haven't completely forgiven you yet," Severus muttered in a convincing enough tone, though Harry just laughed.

"We have time to work on that," Harry grunted, twisting himself a bit so that he could kiss Severus slowly and deeply. Harry knew his transgression would not be so easily forgotten, but he also knew he still had his own issues with his lover that would not leave his head or his heart for some time. But Harry loved him and needed him too much. They would work it all out and could enjoy plenty more make up sex to work through their problems. Things weren't perfect, but there was promise that everything would turn out okay in the end.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **So I stayed up later than I probably should have to finish this for you guys! I'm super tired, though, so if there are any mistakes I apologize lol.

Big thanks to my reviewers: slytherinfighter2011, Dragon Soarer, xXxElectraxXx, Sonicgirl582, aliengirlguy, Anniriel, and vampirexsama!

To Dragon Soarer: everyone SHOULD review like that, lol! And yeah, tests kicked my ass this week. Good luck in your classes! "Love You to Death" is actually my new favorite song at the moment…Though I suppose if I named it "Hurricane" I'll stick a hurricane in there for you so it makes sort of sense lol! For the longest time it was going to be "Gone Forever" (Three Days Grace), but I'm still having a big debate over how the story ends and how to open the sequel and yeah…I'm not sure at the moment. And I STILL haven't gotten to it, though I've tried, lol. I just keep getting interrupted and distracted lol.

Chapter title lyrics from "Love You to Death" by London After Midnight (since it's my current obsession, lol)


	59. So Much to See Tonight

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_So Much to See Tonight_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Time passed into June without much of a stir. There was a lot of talk around school about the Ginny and Harry kiss, which made Harry feel awful, especially knowing how much it hurt her. Ginny was a strong girl, though, and she powered through the gossip and even snapped at the likes of whispering buffoons like Lavender and Parvati and upon too many remarks from Pansy Parkinson, ended up with detention for performing the Bat Bogey Hex on the girl. Every time Harry and Ginny were in the same space, everyone would start cat calling and making kissing faces and chanted over and over for them to kiss or do something of a grand and dramatic romantic gesture. Every time it was in the Great Hall or somewhere Severus was around, he could feel the dark eyes of his lover boring into him with such intensity that Harry felt like the man was trying to leave a mark with his look alone, a mark proclaiming Harry to be his and his alone. That gaze would then turn upon Ginny with the nastiest of glares preserved for those stupid enough to touch his Harry and the likes of Cormac McLaggen for an awful week following the Quidditch match where Harry got hurt. According to his fellow Gryffindors, Cormac had suffered a great deal that week (though no one seemed to put it all together). He was being torn to pieces by the most cruel of remarks and given detention and losing points for every little thing done wrong. He apparently usually ended those lessons by taking points from Cormac for not being Gryffindor enough to do something about it.

The day following the kiss, Harry hunted down Ginny to apologize and talk to her, figuring the least he could do was be a very good friend to her. Harry had no idea at the time what Seveurs would have in store for her. "Ginny, um…About yesterday…I…Umm…" he had said.

"Don't worry about it," Ginny cut in. "I understand, it's fine. I was just caught up in the excitement of winning and I couldn't go to Dean so I went to you. I know you don't like me that way, it's fine. I promise."

"Oh, um, okay," Harry said, a bit relieved she had said so and not really sure if she meant any of it or not. At any rate, she and Dean were back together after a week and a half, which caused the rumor mill to grow more rampant, though at least Slughorn had a good excuse to give Harry's sudden decline in Potions: girl troubles. Not to mention, added some snickering Slytheirns, this was the time of year Ron had died last year. That knowledge caused more nasty remarks than Harry liked, but he luckily wasn't around to hear all of them, otherwise he probably would have ended up in a great deal of trouble. Ginny got the brunt of it and ended up with more detentions than she cared for…Especially once Severus started on her case, barely letting up after her reunion with Dean. Like with Cormac, he seemed to be finding any excuse he could to punish her, though Ginny stood up for herself more than Cormac had.

"Do you really have to torture Ginny like this?" Harry sighed heavily after two weeks.

"It's called punishing people for wrongdoings…It is, regrettably, part of my job as a professor," Severus had sneered.

"She's my friend!" Harry said in exasperation. "And she's with Dean now!"

"Kindly, do not tell me how to run my classroom, Potter," Severus said darkly and Harry had been so irritated he returned to Gryffindor Tower early, though they at least avoided a big fight. Too stubborn to just cave in, Severus slowly weaned off on his horrible treatment of Ginny and Harry didn't dare say anything more about it when he noticed Severus was letting up on her little by little.

McGonagall was as bothersome as ever. She didn't push too hard. She wasn't that dumb to keep being so blunt with things…But Harry could feel her watching him and especially couldn't seem to look away whenever he and Severus were anywhere near each other. She called him into her office now and then to ask about his wellbeing and what he had been up to lately, never directly asking or saying anything about Severus, but the way she sat and the way she looked at him made her intentions all too clear. Harry understood that she cared about him and he also understood that their situation was not ideal. He tried to imagine what he would think and feel if one of his classmates turned out to be in a relationship with a professor and how he might feel. That usually led to very bad mental images such as Neville and Sprout doing it in the greenhouses and Cho Chang using her Head of House's height to her advantage. He stopped trying to think about it after a while, since he always ended up plagued by disturbing visions. Severus admitted McGonagall had paid him a few more visits of a similar nature, though she let a few more nasty comments and was slightly more direct with things than she was with Harry. "It is my duty, as a professor and as the Head of Gryffindor House, to protect the students at this school, especially those in my care!" Severus would quote McGonagall.

Otherwise, things were going pretty good. Draco had opened up to Harry and Hermione about why he had been so upset in the bathroom that day, sending both of his friends on the mission of trying to help find Draco a way around it, though admittedly it was a task that seemed too big for a group of sixteen and seventeen year olds. Draco and Hermione were closer than ever, though, and Harry was glad to see his best friends so happy. The only thing in their way was Hermione's depression the few days surrounding the anniversary of Ron's death, which left Draco seeming a bit uncomfortable and hurt, though he didn't say much about it and left Hermione to the comfort of Ginny, who needed her friend just as much as Hermione needed her.

Things with Severus were better than ever, or it seemed so to Harry who felt they had been apart for too long. It was far from perfect, though. Severus seemed so distant sometimes, distinctly irritable some days…and Harry had to admit, he felt the same way sometimes. It was hard for them to completely get over what each other had done and it led to many an argument, though they never became explosive fights. Sometimes Harry wanted to strangle him and Harry was sure Severus felt the same way sometimes. Severus had gotten his parents killed…Severus was a complete and utter arse. And Harry had betrayed his trust and nearly killed someone. There were too many issues between them for their relationship to be anywhere near perfect, but despite their problems, Harry could not have been happier with anyone else or doing anything else and he was exceedingly grateful that Severus had stopped trying to push him away.

He was headed towards Severus's office the first Saturday in June, eager to spend time with Severus. He had been a bit obsessed lately with some potion he was making for Professor Vector's sister to let lesbians impregnate each other and Harry enjoyed it. He didn't understand half of what Severus told him, but his excitement for his project was contagious and Harry loved watching Severus do something he enjoyed so much. He spent a lot of time studying fertilization potions and contraceptive potions and the female anatomy and reproductive organs and all sorts of weird things, jotting down notes and contemplating the safest way to test the potion when he got the first one figured out. Harry just listened and when Severus was too caught up in his reading or his writing or his thinking, Harry would lounge around and nap or play games by himself or various other things, finding himself grateful just to be in his lover's presence.

He was stopped by Ginny with a note from Dumbledore. Harry opened the scroll eagerly while Ginny continued down the corridor holding hands with Dean. Harry read the letter excitedly and spun around, changing directions and heading towards the headmaster's office. There was no guarantee this was it, but Dumbledore had promised Harry he could go hunt the next Horcrux with him once he found it, and since there were no more lessons lately, Harry knew this had to be it! He at least hoped so…He had to admit, he'd be very disappointed if it wasn't and it was just another memory to be shown.

Harry eagerly shouted the password at the gargoyle and ran up the moving staircase, knocking eagerly on the office door. "Enter," came Dumbledore's calm voice, the complete opposite of Harry's anxiousness. Harry tried to calm himself down as he walked in, but it was hard to hide his curious excitement. Dumbledore was standing at the window looking out at the grounds, a black traveling cloak in his arms. "Well, Harry," he said, "I promised that you could come with me."

"You really found one, then?" Harry asked eagerly.

"I believe so."

"Great!" Harry said with a grin. "Which Horcrux is it? Where is it?"

"I am not sure which it is-though I think we can rule out the snake-but I believe it to be hidden in a cave on the coast many miles from here, a cave I have been trying to locate for a long time: the cave in which Tom Riddle once terrorized two children from his orphanage on their annual trip; you remember?"

"Yes," said Harry. "How is it protected?"

"I do not know; I have suspicions that may be entirely wrong," Dumbledore said, then hesitated before continuing. "Harry, I promised you that you could come with me, and I stand by that promise, but it would be very wrong of me not to warn you that this will be exceedingly dangerous."

"I'm coming," Harry said firmly, no second thoughts. "I want to do this…Sir."

"Very well," Dumbledore said with a nod. "You must promise me something, though, Harry. I will only bring you along on the condition that you obey any command I give you at once and without question."

"Of course."

"Be sure to understand me, Harry. I mean that you must follow even such orders as 'run', 'hide', or 'go back.' Do I have your word?"

"I-yes, of course."

"If I tell you to hide, you will do so?"

"Yes."

"If I tell you to flee, will you obey?"

"Yes."

"If I tell you to leave me and save yourself, you will do as I tell you?"

"I-"

"Harry?"

They looked at each other for a moment and Harry didn't know how to respond. Could he actually just leave Dumbledore and save himself? Who knew what types of horrors they'd be facing. Harry would love to tell Dumbledore that he could follow his orders, but in all reality, Harry knew that was unlikely to be the case. Still, wasn't it better if he did go? Even if he had to leave on Dumbledore's orders, at least he would know what had happened…He could get help or be help, really. Harry needed to do this. He felt it in his bones that this was something he was meant to be a part of. He badly wanted to go with Dumbledore and wasn't about to let anything stand in the way of that.

"Yes, sir," he finally said.

"Very good. Then I wish you to go and fetch your Invisibility Cloak and meet me in the entrance hall in five minutes time."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

While Harry met with Dumbledore in his office with the promise of finding a Horcrux, Severus was preoccupied with his preparations for the potion Septima requested for her sister, Octavia Vector, and her lover, Seraphina Myles. He had actually found a great deal of time to dedicate to getting more done studying the subject this week, especially since Harry was vastly improving in his private lessons and was even somewhat reasonable in Occlumency (finally) and the Dark Lord hadn't held a meeting in quite some time.

It was for no great personal reasons that Severus was so into his project…He honestly could have cared less about granting two females to conceive a child together and honestly the world probably could have done with less children. But Octavia and Seraphina were apparently willing to pay and it was something good to focus his attentions on that had nothing to do with evil deeds or spying or anything to do with this war. Besides…The controversy such an event would spark was a promising vision. One big argument against homosexuality in the Wizarding world was the inability of two males and two females to reproduce together and other nonsense about the population dying out (which honeslty could only really be a problem if everyone was gay, and while there were probably more homosexuals than the world knew about, he doubted it was enough for mankind to die out) and having that argument become null and void would be amusing.

It didn't hurt to have yet another potion of his own invention out there. He was proud of his work, very proud indeed of the different potions and spells he himself had created, even if not all of them had very positive effects (as Harry had proven with his use of Sectumsempra not too long ago).

He was seated at the desk in his bedroom, a long sheet of parchment in front of him, quill poised over it as his dark eyes scanned the many books opened and scattered around his desk. Every potion involving reproduction at all, be they to prevent or encourage pregnancy, at his fingertips as well as texts about the reproductive system, to double check things if he needed to. The sex changing potion Septima had ruled out, but he had its recipe before him, as well, should it provide anything useful in the situation.

Severus sighed heavily when he heard the echoing of someone knocking on his office door fill the room and reluctantly set down his quill and stood, walking swiftly from his rooms and into his office, flinging open the door. He was a little more than surprised to see Granger standing there.

"Good evening, Professor," Granger said with an apologetic smile. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"You are," Severus assured her stiffly, struggling between trying not to be a complete arse to the young woman who was undoubtedly the closest to his young lover and the strong need to be a prick to every student who crossed his path, especially a Gryffindor and even more especially the school's renowned know it all.

"Oh…I…Well," Granger said, clearing her throat, flushing slightly. "I just wanted to let you know that Harry wasn't going to be by tonight. He was in a bit of a hurry when he left and said he wouldn't have time to send a note or anything, but he's going somewhere with the headmaster."

Severus froze, unable to stop that irritated and honestly jealous feeling that plagued him at the mention of Harry going somewhere with Albus. Honestly, Albus didn't trust him enough to tell him where he had been going on his journeys during the school year, but he was sharing the information with a sixteen year old boy! Not only sharing, but letting him tag along. "Is that so?" Severus asked, watching as Granger slowly nodded her head. "Where have they gone, exactly?"

"I…Honestly don't' know, sir," Granger said. "Harry didn't give me much information. As I said, he was in a bit of a hurry to meet the professor."

"Ah," Severus said, narrowing his eyes at her, not sure if she was telling the truth or not. Granger knew, did she not? Harry had been allowed to tell her. Ridiculous, involving teenagers in such affairs.

"Well, I apologize for bothering you," Granger said. "Though…Um…Do you know if Draco's alright? I haven't seen him all day and I am starting to worry."

Severus did not allow himself to react to the statement, though it bothered him. Draco spent a great deal of time with Granger…The boy was absolutely smitten with her. The only reason he'd be away from her was if he was dealing with Death Eater business, and the fact that he hadn't alerted Severus to any of this was unnerving. Since Nott had become involved in things, and since the Dark Lord had grown more violent with his threats, Draco had been coming to Severus less and less and it worried him.

"Just because he is not attached to your hip and within eyesight at all times does not necessarily mean anything is wrong, Miss Granger. The honeymoon stage was bound to wear off eventually," he said instead and slammed the door in her face.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

It was over an hour later when Harry returned to Hogwarts with Dumbledore, racing urgently. He had been worried enough as it was before they had even seen it…Dumbledore was in no good condition at all. Harry felt sick to his stomach, remembering what they had faced in that cave…Swimming through icy water, a blood sacrifice, taking that boat out to where the Horcrux was hidden out in the middle of the lake…Arguing with Dumbledore over letting him drink from the potion in the basin and ending up having to force feed it to him…Dumbledore's pleading and screaming…the Inferius, helping Dumbledore away…Apparating to Hogsmeade…And just minutes ago meeting Madam Rosmerta and seeing the Dark Mark hanging over the castle. They flew two borrowed brooms to where the Dark Mark stood over the Astronomy Tower and Harry was terrified. He had to get Dumbledore help and they had to see what was wrong…why the Dark Mark was there…

"Go and wake Severus," Dumbledore said faintly, his blackened hand clutching his chest. "Tell him what has happened and bring him to me. Do nothing else, speak to nobody else. I shall wait here."

The dim green glow from the Dark Mark that had been cast over the Astronomy Tower fell over them eerily. Dumbledore still didn't look all that well from their journey. How could Harry just leave him here? He didn't look like he stood much of a chance defending himself. He needed help…

"But-" Harry said.

"You swore to obey me, Harry-go!"

Even not liking the idea, Harry turned and sprinted towards the door leading to the spiral staircase that would lead back into the castle. He had just reached the door when he heard running footsteps on the other side. He looked around at Dumbledore who gestured him to retreat. Harry backed away and drew his wand as he did so.

The door burst open and somebody ran through, shouting, "Expelliarmus!"

Harry's body instantly became rigid and immobile and he felt himself fall back against the tower wall, propped like an unsteady statue, unable to move or speak. He didn't understand what happened. Expelliarmus wasn't a Freezing Charm…Then he saw it. Dumbledore's wand flying away. He understood. Dumbledore had wordlessly immobilized Harry and in that second he had taken to perform the spell, he had cost himself the chance of defending himself.

Dumbledore didn't show any sign of the panic or distress Harry was feeling. He looked calmly across at the one who disarmed him and said, "Good evening, Draco."

Draco? Harry swallowed hard, willing himself desperately to break free of the spell holding him hostage. He had to do something! He had to stop this! There was only one thing that could be happening here! Fuck, he had to stop this. He knew that Draco was supposed to be killing Dumbledore…But he couldn't! Maybe he was wrong…Maybe Draco had thought of something else to do. That had to be it! Harry wanted to scream out in frustration as he was unable to do anything.

"Who else is here?" he heard Draco ask as he stepped forward.

"I might ask you the same," Dumbledore said. "Or are you acting alone?"

"No, I've got backup. There are Death Eaters here in your school right now," he said, voice attempting to be strong, but it was shaking in the effort.

Death Eaters in the school? He wasn't serious…That explained the Dark Mark, of course, but Draco hadn't…Draco couldn't have let Death Eaters into the school. Unless it was Nott's doing. Please let it be Nott's doing, Harry thought to himself desperately. Actually, please let it not be true at all.

"Well, well, well," Dumbledore said, still retaining that unconcerned voice that made Harry want to scream all the more. "Very good indeed. You found a way to let them in, did you?"

"Yeah," said Draco. "Right under your nose and you didn't even realize!"

"Ingenious. Yet, forgive me…Where are they now? You seem unsupported."

"They met some of your guards. They're having a fight down below. They won't be long…I came on ahead. I-I've got a job to do."

"Well, then you must go on and do it, my dear boy," said Dumbledore softly.

"Yes, Draco…Do it," said a new voice from the doorway.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Severus got so lost in his work, he hardly paid attention to the time, but it hardly seemed much longer before there was another knocking on his door, more frantic. He growled in irritation and swept out of his rooms, nearly running into Filius Flitwick in the process. "Death Eaters in the castle!" the smaller professor was rambling. "Death Eaters in the castle! Quick, Severus, we need you! Please, come with me-quick!"

Fuck. While he had suspicions of Draco being with Nott tonight, he hadn't actually anticipated anything to happen. Draco had been, the last Severus checked, doing his best to find his way around the whole plan…promising that he wouldn't actually let anything happen. How on Earth had he missed Death Eaters breaking into the school? Why hadn't he been informed of this? The Dark Lord had let him in on the plan, so why had he not known that they had planned this for tonight? A final test of loyalty, Severus assumed darkly. He had to think quickly…He knew that, no matter what, he would have to remain in the Dark Lord's good graces. It was the only way he'd be able to be of any help. They could not lose their connection to the Dark Lord, even if it put his connection with the Order of the Phoenix at risk.

Sliding out his wand, he cast a quick "Stupefy," on Filius, watching his co worker fall to the floor. Quickly he strode to the door, ignoring the large ice block that had dropped into his stomach. He was only slightly surprised to find Granger and Loony Lovegood standing there. "Professor Flitwick has…collapsed. Go…Take care of him. I must go help…"

"O-of course, Professor!" Granger stammered and ran into his office, followed by Loony who, even at a time such as this, wore such a strangely dreamy look on her pale face. Strange girl, she was. At least these two would be safe and out of the way for now trying to help Filius…At least he could hope. Unfortunately the young Granger was a foolish Gryffindor and would undoubtedly want to join the fight before long. No matter what he had to do, he had to protect as many of the students as he could manage.

Out in the corridor he could better hear the fight raging above. Severus walked briskly towards the staircase, wand clutched in his right hand. It was already bad…Hopefully he'd be able to find Draco before it was too late.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**Author's Note: **Well, this is mainly just the start of things for the upcoming chapters, getting caught up on everything. I didn't want to do the whole scene involving the Horcrux, because it pretty much just stays the same as it is in the books and I figured a basic summary of the events would suffice. Because of the revisions I had to do, it didn't turn out as good as I had hoped, but there you are! Now for the big question…Who will kill Dumbledore? Better yet, does Dumbledore have to die at all? Lots of questions…to be answered in the next chapter! Mwahahahahaha.

Now I was doing some calculations yesterday and found that I have 37 chapters left! If I managed to write one chapter every day, I'd get the story done well before the new year. With 60-some odd days until then, that would leave me with about 25 days to spare as of now so I have made New Year my goal for getting this story done. I'm hoping I can do it! I think it would be neat to have the first chapter of the sequel up on January 1


	60. Steal the Glamour From Death

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Steal the Glamour From Death_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

To Harry's surprise it was Pansy Parkinson who stepped through the shadows and into the green glow they stood in. She was grinning nastily, dark eyes lit up in excitement. Pansy rushed to his side and Draco looked sick to his stomach. "You were right, Draco! He really did give you a job, didn't he?" she asked breathlessly.

"Yes…Draco was instructed to kill me," Dumbledore explained kindly. "But Draco isn't a killer. Are you, Draco?"

"How do you know?" Draco snapped.

"Oooh!" Pansy giggled giddily. "Do it, Draco!"

"Go away, Pansy! This isn't some game!" Draco snapped at her.

"Don't be so grumpy, Drakey!" Pansy said with a pout. "C'mon, Dray, I wanna see!"

Draco gritted his teeth and muttered under his breath. "You stupid slut, I will curse you myself if you don't get out of here now! This isn't any place for _you_, this is business!"

"If you would please refrain from using such disrespectful language, Draco," Dumbledore said.

"Shut up!" Draco snapped, waving his wand towards Dumbledore threateningly.

Harry wanted to beat him over the head. He couldn't talk to Dumbledore that way. He couldn't _kill_ Dumbledore! Harry tried in vain to move his body, but he was still incapable of moving. He could only watch in horror as Dumbledore calmly faced Draco…while Pansy Parkinson bounced happily beside Draco, looking ever eager and ugly as ever…while Draco looked anxiously from one to the other, looking like he might be sick at any moment. Harry noted the way his wand arm shook. _Don't do it. Please don't do it. You don't have to do this, Draco…You can't do this_, Harry begged, wishing he could shove his thoughts into Draco's head. Harry could barely do Occlumency, though, let alone performing Legilimency and let alone that to the point of being able to put something in the other boy's head.

"I can do it, you know," Draco said, voice trembling. "I could kill you right now. Wandless…defenseless…it would be too easy."

"It would, perhaps, if you were that sort of person. But you're not truly evil, Draco. You cannot-" Dumbledore was saying.

"I CAN!" Draco shouted. "You don't know what I'm capable of. What I've _done_!"

Pansy grinned eagerly, but Harry noted the tone of disgust in Draco's voice as he said it. He himself had seen Draco's remorse. Dumbledore was right; Draco wasn't evil. He didn't want this…He was scared of this. He didn't want to be a Death Eater, didn't want to be a killer…He was terrified for his family and himself, though. Draco would do anything, even kill, to keep them safe. _There's another way. There has to be_, Harry thought desperately. _Please let him know that. Please_.

"Oh yes I do," Dumbledore said. "You almost killed Katie Bell and Hermione Granger-" Pansy giggled at the sound of Hermione's name and Draco flinched painfully. "-You have been trying, with increasing desperation, to kill me all year. Forgive me, Draco, but they have been feeble attempts…So feeble, to be honest, that I wonder whether your heart is really in it."

"It has been in it!" said Draco. "I've been working all year, and tonight…"

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

It was disgusting. How had this happened? How had he not known? Severus reached the fifth floor and he saw some signs of bloodshed. _Death Eaters in Hogwarts_…Surely the Dark Lord was not among them? If Death Eaters could be here, though, why not him? Severus kept his eyes peeled for familiar faces as he strode through the corridors. Two fifth year Huffelpuff prefects were huddled in a corner, petrified. The boy held the girl close to him, his hand clamped over her mouth while she grasped desperately at his arms. Both sets of eyes were wide with terror. Severus scoffed at them. Amber Berry and Jeremiah Freestone. They were only children, though…Severus was half tempted to shout at them, to get them to do something. No one else was here at the moment…It would be safe enough for them to return to their common room. "Go," he hissed at them as he passed, though he couldn't afford to stop and made sure they followed his directions. Meanwhile, he was following one Death Eater as he threw curses at Neville Longbottom, though to Severus's surprise the boy was dodging them…not with great ease or skill, but he appeared mostly unharmed but for a large bruise on his left cheek.

Daringly, he wordlessly threw off the curse the Death Eater sent towards Longbottom…who was it…? Ah yes…Rabastan Lestrange. Neither noticed Severus's interference. Good. He continued on, finding much worse as he went. No one seemed to be dead, but it was…unreal. Such gruesome horror taking place within the walls of Hogwarts. It didn't seem natural…Only like some awful nightmare that was terrifying, but could in no possible way be _real_. _But it was_, he told himself. It was happening.

Where was Draco? Better yet, where was Harry? Was he safe? Was he still out with Dumbledore or had he returned? Foolish boy…If he _was_ in the castle he would be out here with the rest of these do-gooders. Damn it. If that boy got hurt, Severus was going to personally strangle him. He would kill the boy and then find a way to bring him back. If he was dead…No, he couldn't be dead, Severus told himself, though recalling a meeting with Albus at the beginning of the year…

"_When the time comes…Harry will have to die_."

Severus willed them away, but the words repeated over and over again in his head. Surely not this soon? It was too soon…He hadn't had nearly enough time with Harry. He hadn't even told Harry yet. The Dark Lord wasn't weak enough yet. This couldn't be the end. He felt sick to his stomach, panic overtaking him. He felt suddenly dizzy, like he might collapse at any moment.

Maybe he was overreacting. There were no signs of any of this yet, he reminded himself. No sign of the Dark Lord…Surely there would be more terror, more death, more of everything if the Dark Lord's presence was near. He hadn't even seen Harry yet. Severus did his best to comfort himself with these facts, but he could still hear Albus's words in his head, could imagine the way the Dark Lord whispered those deadly words almost lovingly, could imagine that shot of green life hitting Lily, could imagine her lifeless body hitting the floor…A scene that switched to his Harry, standing so proud and tall and confident…hit by that same flash of green light…falling…landing limply beside his mother…two pairs of the same beautiful green eyes wide open and empty.

It killed him.

The force of the pain could have brought him to his knees, but he ignored it and powered on. He couldn't let this bring him down…Not when he had no proof that anything had even happened to Harry. All he had to do was make sure Harry was safe and find Draco and stop him before it was too late.

Up ahead he spotted Amycus Carrow dueling Ginevra Weasley. A dark side in him sneered, remarking evilly that he should let the man have her. She had kissed Harry, after all, but that was such a petty reason to be so cruel and again Severus found himself casting a nonverbal spell to block the curse Amycus sent her way. Not far was his sister, Alecto, dueling Nymphadora Tonks and Balthazar Avery was hurling curses towards Remus Lupin.

He could hear more screaming, more thumping, more everything from the floor above. Severus's black eyes moved around the corridor and the flashes of light from spells and curses that lit up the darkness. He turned and headed upstairs, adrenaline pumping through him, heart beating wildly and his stomach dropping in dread, not knowing what to expect to find when he reached the floor just above.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"…Come over to the right side, Draco…You are not a killer…"

Several minutes had gone on, Draco and Dumbledore in a deep discussion. "Just do it, Drakey!" Pansy had interrupted multiple times, but she had gone ignored. She was now standing off to the side looking huffy and glowering suspiciously at Draco, dark eyes flickering to Dumbledore now and then. Dumbledore had been curious as to how Draco had gotten the Death Eaters in and Draco had launched into his explanation of the Vanishing Cabinet in the Room of Requirement and its link to a counterpart at Borgin and Burke's in Knockturn Alley. How he had fixed the broken one at Hogwarts. Even Pansy had seemed engrossed in the story, only returning to her annoyed looks and encouragement to kill Dumbledore once Draco finished explaining.

Then he wanted answers about the necklace that had cursed Katie and the mead that had poisoned Hermione. Draco had Imperiused Madam Rosmerta. It was Rosmerta who had given Katie the necklace and Rosmerta who had sold Slughorn the poisoned mead. They communicated via enchanted coins, much like the ones Hermione had created for Dumbledore's Army last year. He had even gone as far to refer to Hermione as "the Mudblood Granger", which had pleased Pansy plenty, though Dumbledore reprimanded him for the use of such a nasty word. Harry himself wanted to hit him upside the head, though even he could tell how obvious it was he was anything but happy with what he had said, even looking incredibly ashamed when Dumbledore scolded him for it. Pansy had to be blind to not see how much this whole thing was bothering Draco.

Finally they got to a discussion about tonight. How Rosmerta had tipped Draco off to Dumbledore leaving and how they set up a trap using the Dark Mark to lure Dumbledore into the tower.

It ended with Dumbledore giving Draco his _options_. There was a way out of it after all! They could fake the deaths of the Malfoys and they would be safe from Voldemort. No one _had_ to be hurt. Everything could and would be just fine. Dumbledore didn't seem overly worried of Pansy overhearing. She only smirked in amusement as Dumbledore finished up and she shook her head.

"Ignore him, Draco. Just do it already! Kill him and the Dark Lord will be so happy with you!" Pansy exclaimed excitedly. "Your parents will be so proud, Draco! And you can finally be done with that Mudblood brat an-"

"_Stupefy_!" Draco hissed at her, eyes flashing angrily the moment Pansy referred to Hermione as _that Mudblood brat_. Pansy's body hit the floor and Draco glared down at her, his anger with her hardly matching the amount of sheer torment Harry could see in his best friend's face.

_You don't have to do it_ Harry thought over and over again, feeling some relief. Dumbledore had given him an option. It was brilliant, really! There were always risks, but they would all be much safer in the care of Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix than anywhere else! Surely it was less risky than staying among Voldemort and his followers playing such games…One could never make a deal with the devil and expect him to play fair. None of Voldemort's followers were safe. Even if he gained favor now, there was always the chance to lose it…

Draco swallowed hard and turned his wand to Dumbledore. "A…Av…A…"

_No_! Harry thought desperately. He summoned all of his strength, all of his willpower…He tried to move…Tried to cast every spell he could think of nonverbally to stop Draco…To protect Dumbledore…something!

"_Avada Kedavra_!"

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The fight was steadily moving upstairs, heading higher and higher. Severus found himself caught up helping protect students where he could. Ginevra Weasley and Longbottom shoved past him as he walked further down, Amycus and Rabastan on their tails. "Finally, _you're_ here," snarled Rabastan, though he got caught up in sending the Cruciatus Curse after Longbottom, surprisingly managing to miss the boy without Severus's interference. Part of him wanted to say something, do something to dismiss Rabastan's words, reminding him of his role…but Severus wasn't too sure he'd have much of a role after tonight. It all depended on how this went…

"Good, you're here!" Minerva said, relief filling her voice when she saw him. It was the first time she had spoken to him with no venom in her voice and her eyes not narrowed into a nasty glare. That wouldn't last very long, would it? Like Rabastan, she found herself distracted from him by Abaddon Avery.

No one attacked him. Both sides believed he was with them. He was safe as he passed through the halls, only ducking curses meant for others. Every shield he sent to protect the students and Order members were nonverbal and unnoticed. Everyone was too caught up in their battles to notice.

Some of the fighting was stalled in the corridor, but most of the action appeared to be moving. Severus followed the group as best he could, surprised to find many surrounding the staircase that led up to the Astronomy Tower, fighting starting to take place on the spiral staircase itself. Severus watched in surprise as a body was thrown over the railings and hit the ground with a loud thud. The mask fell off, revealing the enraged and beautiful face of young Azrael Avery, her long dark blond hair loose in its ponytail. She quickly jumped to her feet and pulled the mask back over her face and the hood back over her head, running back around, waving her wand about angrily.

Severus hadn't seen who pushed her, but whoever it was was in trouble now.

Severus moved forward quickly, pushing Azrael aside and moving through the angry crowd. He moved his head slightly to the left, just barely avoiding being hit by his own curse. He shot a glare at Azrael, certain it had come from her. Damnable wench. _Sectumsempra _ was his own creation and having it used against him was more infuriating than anything else. He smirked when her brother glowered at her and began hissing to her, watching her face fall and her eyes narrow at him.

Even as much as Bellatrix hated him, she wasn't stupid enough to attack the Dark Lord's _favorite_.

There wasn't time to be distracted, though. He had to get up to that Tower…Draco must be up there. Something important must be happening for everyone to seem to be congregating in this area. Raising his wand he began uttering Shield Charms and shoved through the battle the best he could. It was hard not to become distracted by the fighting raging on around him, multiple times finding himself forced to send as many nonverbal curses as he could at his fellow Death Eaters. There was too much chaos for anyone to know where the attacks were coming from.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Harry wasn't sure what had happened, exactly…If Dumbledore had dodged the curse or if Draco's words hadn't been powerful enough, but Dumbledore stood, very much alive, frowning deeply at Draco, whose arm was trembling uncontrollably.

"It's not too late, Draco…" Dumbledore said.

"YES IT IS!" Draco shouted.

Harry could hardly believe his friend had actually tried to kill Dumbledore. It had obviously failed, but no matter how much he didn't want to do it…He had tried. There wasn't much time to focus on that now. He had to do _something_! The urge was becoming more and more unbearable. He hated not being able to move. He hated it even more when there was so much he so desperately wanted to do. He hated Dumbledore for doing this to him. Hated him, hated him, _hated _him. How was he supposed to help when he was trapped this way?

Footsteps were thundering upstairs now, becoming louder over the sound of the battle raging below. Draco was shoved out of the way as four peple in black robes burst through the door. The hood of one flew off, but he made no move to fix it. A lump looking man with a lopsided sneer giggled in a wheezy fashion.

"Dumbledore cornered!" he exclaimed, looking towards a smaller woman who looked like she could be his sister. "Dumbledore wandless! Dumbledore alone! Well done, Draco, well done!"

Draco looked like he might be sick. He seemed completely paralyzed in his terror…Rigid and seeming more upset than before.

"Good evening, Amycus," Dumbledore said calmly. "And you've brought Alecto, too. Charming."

"Think your jokes will work on your deathbed, then?" Alecto jeered.

"Jokes? No, no, these are manners," replied Dumbledore.

Harry felt the strangest urge to laugh, then. He doubted it would sound very amused if he could laugh. He could only stare in terror at the Death Eaters around them. Had they won? Had the Death Eaters taken control? Had they won the fight below? Had anyone died? Were any of his friends hurt? What of Severus? Was he okay?

"Do it," said a voice from the stranger nearest to Harry.

"Is that you, Fenrir?" Dumbledore asked.

"That's right," rasped the voice. "Pleased to see me, Dumbledore?"

"No. I cannot say that I am."

"But you know how much I like kids, Dumbledore."

"Am I to take it that you are attacking even without the full moon now? That is most unusual…You have developed a taste for human flesh that cannot be satisfied once a month?"

"That's right," said Fenrir Greyback. "Shocks you that, does it, Dumbledore? Frightens you?"

"Well, I cannot pretend that it does not disgust me a little," said Dumbledore. "And yes, I am a little shocked that Draco here invited you, of all people, into the school where his friends live…"

"I didn't," breathed Draco, who was now staring at the floor, finding it impossible to look at anyone now. "I didn't know he was going to come-"

"Enough of this chit chat!" the woman, Alecto growled. "Come on, Draco, do it!"

At that moment, there were renewed sounds of scruffling from below. "_They've blocked the stairs-Reducto! REDUCTO_!"

"Now, Draco, quickly!" exclaimed Amycus angrily.

Draco raised his wand again, but his hand was shaking so bad he could barely aim.

"I'll do it," snarled Fenrir.

"I said no!" shouted Amycus.

There was a flash of light and Amycus and Fenrir were blasted out of the way.

"Draco, do it or stand aside so one of us-" screeched Alecto.

At that moment, the door burst open again and there stood Severus, his wand clutched in his hand as his black eyes swept the scene. From Dumbledore slumped against the wall, to the four Death Eaters, including Draco and the enraged werewolf. Harry stared at him, that anxious feeling inside of him growing to unbearable strengths. _Let me go, let me go_ Harry silently pleaded. He felt Severus's eyes flicker over him, the only person to notice him, but his gaze flickered away just as quickly.

Harry didn't know how to feel upon seeing his lover-relieved or even more terrified.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"We've got a problem, Snape," Amycus said, "the boy doesn't seem able-"

Someone else said his name softly.

"Severus…"

So this was it then. Harry was alive and Draco hadn't done anything, but there was no backing down. There were too many witnesses and not enough time. He had not yet found a way around this and they were out of time to find one. He swallowed hard, feeling his heart break at Albus's pleading voice. He could hear the words the man had spoken the past summer, past conversations that had infuriated now echoing in his head now, haunting him.

"_Are you intending to let him kill you?" _Severus had asked.

"_Certainly not. You must kill me."_

"_Would you like me to do it now? Or would you like a few moments to compose an epitaph?"_

"_Oh not quite yet_," Albus had said with a smile. _"I daresay the moment will present itself in due course."_

Severus glanced towards his godson, looking more fragile than Severus could remember seeing him. Even his father's abuse had not left such a mark upon the boy as the prospect of becoming a murderer. Of betraying his dear friends…the young lady he loved. No doubt Harry and young Granger would be upset with him if he killed Albus. Draco himself didn't want to harm the headmaster. He didn't want to kill anyone.

How had it gotten this far?

_Stupid boy should have come to me_, Severus thought bitterly. He wanted to scream at Draco, but there was no use now.

"_The boy's soul is not yet so damaged," _he could hear Albus saying in his head. _"I would not have it ripped apart on my account."_

He chanced one more glance at Harry, thankful above all else that he was alive and well and somewhat surprised no one had noticed him. Then again, all anyone was interested in tonight was Albus. Harry would hate him for this, surely. No matter what he had tried to make the boy understand of his role, of Draco's…How could anyone forgive him for this? Severus himself did not think he could forgive himself, no matter what Albus said.

"_Thank you, Severus."_

"Damn it!" Alecto said. "Move aside!" She moved forward, raising her wand towards Albus. At the same time, Draco hastily held up his own wand, struggling to keep his arm steady.

No…

Severus braced himself and forced himself to raise his own wand, holding it towards his old friend…his mentor…For the longest time, the only person besides Lily who had ever loved him, had faith in him…

"_Avada Kedavra_!"

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **So…Did it work? Is Dumbledore dead? If so, who cast the fatal curse? So many questions, so little time :P At least you should find out in the next chapter unless I can find a clever way to avoid it xD rofl.

Anyway, big thanks to my reviewers: slytherinfighter2011, Anniriel, xxbabyxox, vampirexsama, SexciiLexi, xXxElectraxXx, MagicalWinry, and Sonicgirl582!

To xxbabyxox: Well, there are a few options that I have considered…Though I can't tell you which I decided to go with to avoid spoilers. Either Dumbly can be killed, he can die whenever the curse spreads completely, or he can survive and they can find a way to cure him. I will let you know that the option I preferred most is not the one I went with, though I'll have to say which one at the end of the next chapter.

To MagicalWinry: I'm super glad you're still loving the story! I really liked that you enjoyed that particular part of chapter 58 and that people do pay such close attention to detail like that. I enjoyed it a lot, myself. I'm glad you think it's unpredictable…I try, but I'm never sure how good of a job I do lol!

Please review!

Chapter title lyrics from "Kiss and Control" by AFI.


	61. One More Time Steal My Breath

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_One More Time Steal My Breath_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

A green jet of light shot out and hit Dumbledore squarely in the chest. Harry's scream of horror never left him and he was forced to watch as Dumbledore was blasted into the air, falling slowly backward like a rag doll over the battlements and out of sight.

_It didn't happen…It couldn't have happened…_

"Out of here, quickly!" Severus ordered, grabbing Draco and shoving him towards the door. Draco finally caught sight of Harry, his silver eyes growing wide, but Severus slapped him on the back of the head before he could stare and draw too much attention. Amycus and Alecto hurried ahead with Fenrir behind them and Severus pushing Draco out of the door after them. "I have something to finish," he told them as Fenrir and Draco turned back to look at him. Fenrir glared, but turned and walked off with Draco nodding mutely, looking stunned, as he ran downstairs.

Harry realized he could move again, only he was still paralyzed by horror and shock. He stared as his lover approached, eyes trailing down to the wand sitl held loosely in his hand…the wand that had killed Albus Dumbledore. Draco and Alecto had had their mouths opned for the curse, but Harry had watched those thin lips…those lips he had kissed, those lips that had worshipped every inch of his body…form the words.

_Avada Kedavra_.

Over and over again that voice that sent chills down his spine echoed those deadly words. The words that had taken the life of the greatest wizard who had ever lived. Harry swallowed hard and just stared at Severus as the man slowly approached him, emotions battling for dominance inside of him. He felt angry and betrayed and hurt…He wanted to punch Severus in the face and he wanted to hold him close. He didn't know what to think of the man right now. He didn't know what to think or feel at all.

"Harry…" Severus said quietly.

"_How could you_?" Harry hissed.

"I _had_ to," Severus said quietly. "He asked me to."

"He asked you to kill him?" Harry snapped, finding it hard to believe.

"He was dying anyway…His hand…He was cursed," Severus quickly explained. "You don't have to trust me, but we don't have very much time. You must tell everyone what I did. You must tell everyone Draco was part of it. We can't keep up the charade of double agent anymore…We're in too deep now. You must take care of yourself…Go into my rooms and get my Potions book. Let Granger look around and pick out any books from my library she thinks you might need and learn as much as you can. I won't be there to help you anymore."

Harry nodded dumbly, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides as he stared up into Severus's anxious black eyes. His throat suddenly felt dry and he could feel his heart shattering in his chest and, even more embarrassingly, tears stinging his eyes.

"I love you, Harry," Severus whispered quietly, all of his love and sadness coating his voice, so thick and intense it was almost palpable.

Despite the state of shock he was in, the state of uncertainty that lingered over him, he reached out and pulled Severus forward, kissing him deeply and choking back a sob as he did so-it very much felt like a farewell kiss…A kiss that might very well be their last. Harry didn't want to let go and it seemed to take all of Severus's energy to pull away.

"I have to go now," Severus whispered into his ear, holding him close for a moment. "I need you to chase me…Attack me. The Dark Lord needs to think all of your faith in me is shattered. Perhaps the murder of the headmaster will redeem me for losing your trust, but it's the only way…He would want me to try to keep a relationship, to continue our affair and it could be dangerous to keep it up. If you do hate me, it shouldn't be very difficult. Let's hope that if not your acting skills have vastly improved."

Harry felt like he should have laughed, but there was no amusement to be had. He watched as Severus pulled away with a very pained look and took off out of the door. Harry stood slumped back against the wall for a long moment, struggling to pull himself together. He felt dazed…His secret moment with Severus destroyed the last bit of anger he had managed to have and he had to muster it all up again. Severus killing Dumbledore…Had Dumbledore really asked him to kill him? Was he really dying anyway? Harry shook his head and pulled out his own wand, forcing himself to run out after him.

"_Petrificus Totalus_!" he shouted at the first Death Eater he met out of the tower. The Death Eater buckled and fell to the ground, completely rigid. Harry immediately clambered over him and down the staircase.

"IT'S OVER! TIME TO GO!" he heard Severus shouting.

Harry shoved past people, jumping over bodies and sloshing through puddles of blood. There was no time to investigate who they were or what had happened. He ran right into Ginny as she dodged a hex from Amycus. "_Crucio-Crucio-_you can't dance forever, pretty!"

"_Impedimentia_!"

The jinx hit Amycus in the chest. The Death Eater yelled out in pain as he was lifted off of his feet and slammed into the opposite wall and fell out of sight behind where Professor McGonagall, Lupin, and Tonks were all battling separate Death Eaters. Lupin managed to back up and trip over the fallen body of a Death Eater and Harry cringed, prepared to stop and help, but his fall did nothing but help him avoid a curse the Death Eater threw at him and from his place on the ground, he cast another hex towards his attacker.

"Harry, where did you come from?" Ginny cried from his side, but there was no time to answer her. He saw Alecto and Amycus running down the corridor and knew he had to follow them. He launched himself after them but he tripped over something, a body on the ground. He turned around and saw Neville scrambling up, clutching his stomach. "Harry…Snape'n'Malfoy…ran past…"

"I know, I'm on it!" Harry said, scrambling up from the floor and continued running. He aimed a quick jinx towards a big, blond Death Eater who was doing the most damage to the group, but couldn't stop for very long to help…They could do it. Most of the Death Eaters were retreating by now, anyway. He had to do as Severus asked…he had to make Severus pay…He wasn't really sure which reason was the most important, only that both were in his mind as he pushed his body as hard as he could, running as fast as he could, jumping over fallen bodies and nearly tripping as one of them started to stand up. For a few minutes he didn't see anyone, but as he flew downstairs and made it to the fourth floor, he flung himself around a corner as fast as he could, almost skidding to the side and hitting the wall and in the distance he saw the brother and sister still running. Harry pushed himself, running as fast as he could. He felt dizzy and nauseated, but he kept going, clutching his wand tightly as he ran, throwing hexes at them once he felt he was close enough, but they all missed.

Turning another corner a floor below he just barely missed a curse sent by one of the siblings. He heard a suit of armor behind him explode. He sent more jinxes their way, but they missed and instead headed towards a painting of four beautiful witches who screamed and ran into neighboring paintings. He kept running, jumping in surprise as the suit of armor just in front of him exploded as another spell hit and Harry quickly jumped over the wreckage and continued on. He could hear shouts and screams nearby…The students seemed to be waking up now, realizing something was going on.

Harry ran towards a shortcut, hoping to overtake Amycus and Alecto and maybe even get to Severus and Draco. He leaped over the vanishing step halfway down the concealed staircase and burst through the tapestry at the bottom. He ran out into a corridor where a number of dazed Huffelpuffs stood in their pajamas.

"Harry! We heard a noise, and someone said something about the Dark Mar-" Ernie Macmillan began.

"Out of the way!" Harry yelled, knocking two boys aside as he sprinted toward the landing and down the remainder of the marble staircase. The front doors had been blasted open and there were smears of blood all around. There was a group of terrified students huddled together by the wall. The giant hourglasses had been hit by a curse and rubies, emeralds, sapphires, and topazes littered the floor, causing him to skid a bit as his shoes hit them and he grasped the wall to keep from falling over them, hissing as his arm slid against the broken glass of the Gryffindor hourglass. The cut stung and he could feel the warm blood dripping down his arm, but he couldn't stop. He flew across the entrance hall and out into the dark grounds, a darkness now and then disturbed by flashes of bright light. He could see the Death Eaters ahead, swarming towards the gates where they would be able to Disapparate.

Where was Severus?

Harry ran after them, keeping his eyes wide open in hopes of spotting the man and found him as his eyes were attracted to yet another bright flash of light that illuminated the tall man who had his hand wrapped tightly around Draco's arm, hissing at him before shoving him away towards the gates. A small number of Death Eaters remained, aiming curses and hexes at something…it took a moment for Harry to realize that Hagrid had joined the fight. The curses just seemed to bounce off of him, not really affecting him and Harry was glad for it.

He ran past Hagrid and the few that had gathered around him and chased after Severus. He raised his wand with a shaky hand and aimed it at him, shouting "_STUPEFY_!" He wanted Severus to stop, but whether it was so he could hurt him or keep him here, he still wasn't sure.

The jet of red light soared over Severus's head, though. He turned towards Harry and glowered, raising his own wand. A nonverbal spell knocked Harry off of his feet and he landed hard on his back. He growled and stood up and glared back at his lover…At Severus.

This was the man who had tormented him for years…

The man who had been protecting him for years…

The man he had hated for so long…

The man he had fallen irrevocably in love with…

The man who had cursed him…

Had kissed him…

The Death Eater…

A hero…

The man who had told Voldemort of the prophecy, who had gotten his parents killed…

The man who had been making up for it since their deaths, who had risked his life as a spy…

The man who had killed Dumbledore…

The man who loved him…

His mind was at war with itself. This man was _Snape_…He had been a fool to love him. He was a _Death Eater_. He bullied students and was the most feared teacher in all of Hogwarts. He was nasty and unnecessarily cruel. He was a _killer_. He had only been using Harry. Tonight his true colors shined, didn't they? He had even attacked Harry…was glowering at him with such a familiar hate-filled gaze. He had always hated Harry…because of his fame…because of his _father_.

But this man was also Severus. The man who made him feel safe and happy. The man who, despite his show of disdain towards them, protected his students. A stubborn and proud man…an incredibly strong man. He was, despite all of his awful behavior, the man Harry loved more than life itself.

Harry was furious with him. Be he good or not, he had still killed Dumbledore. He could have and should have found some other way…And even if he _was_ evil, Harry still loved him.

He wasn't, though, was he? He couldn't be. Up in that tower…The way Severus had spoken to him, held him, kissed him…spoke volumes for who he truly was, even if they were the same hands that had pointed that wand at Dumbledore and the same voice that uttered the Killing Curse. Because, above all else, it was the way those black eyes had stared into Harry's, with so much pain and so much love that Harry swore not even a spy like Severus could hide or fake.

No matter what the truth was, this was not going to end well. No matter what the truth was, Harry still hurt…could still feel his heart shattering over and over again, as if the pieces it fell into just broke over and over and over again, tiny shards being crushed and destroyed. His wrath still burned within him, but that pain and sorrow were forces too strong and too paralyzing to compete with.

Harry raised his wand a bit more steadily, aiming his wand just over Severus's shoulder. "_CRUCIO_!"

Severus waved his wand as though deflecting the curse.

"FIGHT ME! FIGHT ME, YOU COWARD!" Harry roared. "_CRUCIO_!"

This one went right over his head and Severus chuckled darkly. "Coward, did you call me, Potter? Your father would never attack me unless he had his goons at his side! What would you call him, I wonder?"

Irritation bubbled within him and Harry growled. "YOU BASTARD! YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER ARSE! _I HATE YOU_!" he shouted. "_CRUCIO_!"

"Pathetic, Potter, truly!" Severus shouted back.

Harry was suddenly hit by excruciating pain and he suddenly found himself writing in the grass. Every inch of him hurt, blinding and deafening pain. He could barely think…couldn't breathe, it hurt so much. When the pain lifted, he was stunned, glad Severus's immediate words relieved him of too many awful thoughts, assuming his lover had shot the curse at him. "NO!" Severus roared. "Have you forgotten our orders? Potter belongs to the Dark Lord-we are to leave him! GO! _GO_!"

Amycus and Alecto ran towards the gate and Harry scrambled to his feet, the entire world seeming to sway, his mind spinning painfully. He aimed his wand blindly towards Severus. "_SECTUMSEMPRA_!"

"NO, POTTER!" Severus shouted. He shot another curse at Harry…He saw it would go over his head anyway, but he ducked for show. "You dare use my own spells against me? Turning my own inventions on me like your filthy father, would you? I don't' think so…no!"

"Kill me then!" Harry shouted. "Kill me like you killed him, you coward!" He took some perverse pleasure in turning that fact against Severus again…The fact that he was responsible for Voldemort going after Lily and James. His anger was back in action, burning him, spurring him on.

"DON'T CALL ME A COWARD!" Severus screamed, waving his wand. Harry felt something white hot slam into his face, almost like a whip and he fell backwards into the ground. Spots of light danced in front of his eyes and all of the breath seemed to be knocked out of his body. Like when he was under the Crucio, the curse left him in too much pain to know anything for a few moments. He heard loud thumping and animalistic noises that he realized, after a few seconds, were coming from Buckbeak. Harry groaned and sat up, the whole world spinning again as he pushed himself to his feet. Sadly, the time he righted himself, Severus was gone.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

They all headed towards the same place: Malfoy Manor. Severus at least managed to get their destination out of Draco…Normally the Dark Lord held meetings at different homes of his servants, but more and more they were held at Malfoy Manor. Severus was one of the last to arrive, wishing he didn't have to be here for their celebrations. He wanted nothing more than to be alone. He felt sick…He had actually killed Albus. The image of the wise, brave old wizard falling…the light gone from his bright blue eyes…haunted him. And he had cursed Harry! He had actually hurt his young lover. What had come over him? The word _coward_ did not sit well with him at all, but he shouldn't have lost it that way. Never, ever would Severus ever truly want to hurt the boy.

But what did it matter? Harry probably hated him. Oh Severus wished above all else that Harry might understand, but he could not blame him if he did. Severus himself could not forgive his own actions. He stood tall and proud, though, among the Death Eaters, a smirk in place as he strode into the house, into the large ballroom area where Narcissa was hugging and kissing Draco all over, telling him how much she loved him. Draco didn't seem so annoyed by her actions now and hugged her back tightly.

"I hear the _great and powerful_ Albus Dumbledore…is dead?"

The quiet voice of their master quieted all sounds and all attention turned to the man who had seated himself in a throne like chair. His red eyes were glued to Draco who paled and nodded slowly.

"So you finally managed the task I set upon you?"

Gulping, Draco slowly shook his head. Had there been no witnesses…had Draco been better at Occlumency…Severus would have begged him to take the credit.

"No?" The Dark Lord smirked. "_Crucio_!"

Draco and Narcissa both screamed. Draco hit the ground and Narcissa fell to her knees at his side, pulling him into her arms as he thrashed wildly in the pain.

"I should kill you for not obeying my orders," the Dark Lord said and Narcissa gasped. Draco stared up at him with wide eyes. Severus tensed, begging and pleading silently that the Dark Lord would spare him. "However, since Dumbledore is dead…We shall leave the decision up to his true murderer. Tell me, who do I have to thank for the death of Dumbledore? Severus?"

Slowly, Severus nodded. The Dark Lord had hinted towards it since he came up with this plan of his…It came as no great shock that Severus had been the one to do so. Red eyes glittered dangerously in his pleasure and those thin fingers beckoned Severus forward. Obediently, Severus felt his feet carrying him closer to the man he wanted nothing to do with.

"Young Draco is your godson, is he not? I suppose you'll want him to live?" said the Dark Lord, sounding almost disappointed, though his eyes still glittered happily.

Severus nodded. "Dumbledore is a master manipulator, my lord, and Draco is still young and still very foolish. I do not believe he should be penalized…We can always teach him better."

"Of course," said the Dark Lord quietly. "Do you believe you are capable of learning, Draco?"

"Y-yes…m-my lord," Draco said.

"Good. I am feeling rather merciful…Very glad to finally be rid of Dumbledore," the Dark Lord said. "He is finally gone…Nothing, absolutely _nothing_, stands in our way now. Let us…_celebrate_," the Dark Lord said, flicking his wand. Several goblets of wine flew from somewhere to their right into their hands. Some of those not expecting it or with bad reflexes ended up spilling their own all over them, though most, like Severus, caught theirs gracefully. "A toast…to my faithful servants. Our great victory is closer than it ever has been. Tonight is the beginning…It won't be long now…before I have young Potter in my grasp," the Dark Lord said, catching his own goblet. He wrapped his fingers around it gracefully and squeezed tightly, as though exhibiting how he could strangle Harry. Severus's own fingers tightened around his goblet, reminded yet again of Albus's words.

Harry had to die.

And with Albus gone, the Dark Lord was right…it wouldn't be much longer. Severus steeled himself against the onslaught of emotions that raged inside of him, hitting him hard. While the party took to life around him, he stood there, face as blank as ever. He felt as though his very soul was being ripped to shreds, his heart aching and screaming and begging him to stop it, to save his Harry, to let nothing come of the young man he loved more than anything.

He felt as if Harry was already dead, and the very thought was sucking the life right out of him, killing him slowly and painfully.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note:** Yay another chapter done! Only one more chapter left of Part Two!

Now, despite all of my teasing, I did end up sticking with the book and having Severus kill Dumbly. I went through a million and one different options in my head, I swear. I thought of letting Draco do it, of letting Alecto do it…I thought of letting him survive and letting the curse in his hand eventually kill him or even letting someone find a cure and having him live. In all honesty my preference would be to have him survive, because I love Dumbledore oh so much…I was especially iffy about sticking so close to the actual books, but most of my plans revolve around this course of action and, sadly, work much better for me and was the only real way I could see this story going. It will, obviously, put quite the strain on Severus and Harry…but guys, I still have thirty-something chapters to go in this story. They need trouble lol.

Anyway, big huge thanks to my reviewers! Aliengirlguy, SexciiLexi, Sonicgirl582, vampirexsama, slytherinfighter2011, Anniriel, xXxElectraxXx, Mossyrock, da-blk-saiyangirl, and SevLoverKat! You guys rock and I really appreciate the time you took to review!

To vampirexsama: Yeah, Harry doesn't have the Cloak on, though he was carrying it (I dunno if I put that or not, but I know I meant to lol). Anyway, he's by the wall right by the door so I figure that it being sort of right there, kind of dark where he is, and holding the Cloak enough for part of him (where it is) to be invisible, plus the fact that everyone is more focused on Dumbledore, he might be relatively easy to miss. Lots of chaos going around and everyone's so worried about Dumbledore. I wanted him to be visible because I needed Sev to be able to see him, but it was kind of tricky for me to find a decent way of managing it without it being totally stupid lol.

To da-blk-saiyangirl: Wow! That's a long time, lol…But it is a pretty long story, so yeah lol. Anyway I'm super glad you took the time to read it and I'm so happy you liked it! I hope you continue to do so!

Please review!

Also, I would love suggestions from people regarding my story…I've been trying to come up with a good name for the series and I figured since my chapter titles are song lyrics and my fanfic titles are song titles, maybe the series name could be like the name of an album or something. Also, suggestions for names for future sequels would be amazing! I know it might be hard without having much information about the future of their story, but you know, I appreciate any help anyone can offer!

Chapter title lyrics from "Kiss and Control" by AFI.


	62. Watch the Stars Turn You to Nothing

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Watch the Stars Turn You to Nothing_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"Snape killed Dumbledore."

So many people…So many he cared for were gone. His parents had died. Ron had died. Now Dumbledore was dead. Draco and Severus were gone. Now he had to stand here and tell everyone…Tell everyone that the man they loved and respected was _dead_ and claim it was at the hands of the man he loved. He had to hate him and he had to make everyone else hate him.

He stood in the middle of the infirmary, staring around at familiar faces. Neville, Bill, Tonks, and Luna were all in beds…Luna was the only one wide awake and Tonks looked like she was drifting in and out of sleep. Neville was fast asleep and Bill was out of it, too, his face in horrible cuts. Madam Pomfrey was dabbing a disgusting pea green ointment over his wounds. Professor McGonagall was standing at the next bed and had been talking with Luna and Hermione, who was sitting on the other side of the bed, when Harry and Ginny had walked in. Lupin sat at Tonks's bedside. Then there was Ginny Weasley who was standing at his side, holding onto his arm lightly, as she had been since she started leading him here.

When Severus had gone, Harry had made his way over to Dumbledore's body at the bottom of the tower. Hagrid had been there, not believing the words of Dumbledore's death until he had seen the body. A crowd had gathered as Harry kneeled beside the fallen headmaster, trying to grasp the fact that he had suddenly lost so much. They hadn't even managed to get the Horcrux…Not the _real_ one, at any rate. Things had been going so well for a few weeks and in one night it had all fallen apart. It was hard standing here. It didn't feel right being here. He had to go after Severus or do something about Dumbledore…He had to do _something_. Too much bad was happening…He felt the strongest urge to do _something_, even if he didn't know what that something was. He had to fix it…Had to make things right.

Somehow.

"No!" Lupin exclaimed as soon as Harry spoke. He looked wildly from Harry to Ginny, as though hoping one of them would claim it was a joke or a lie. When they didn't, Lupin slumped back in the chair and let his face fall into his hands.

"What?" Tonks demanded, blinking rapidly and struggling into a sitting position, despite the glaring from Madam Pomfrey. "How…?"

Harry swallowed hard. "I was there. We arrived back on the Astronomy Tower because of the Mark. Dumbledore was ill and weak, but I think he knew it was a trap. He told me to go get Se-Snape, but someone came up stairs so I hid and Dumbledore immobilized me. Malfoy came through the door and disarmed him-"

Hermione gasped, eyes impossibly wide.

"-more Death Eaters arrived and then Snape came and…Malfoy and Snape and…some woman all pointed their wands at him but…Snape…He's the one who…who killed him."

Professor McGonagall gasped sharply and fell into a seat by Luna's bed, placing a shaking hand over her mouth. Madam Pomfrey burst into tears. Hermione sat, completely stunned, tears rolling down her face and looking like she might start hyperventilating at any moment. Lupin was trembling hard and Tonks reached out, her own jaw trembling, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. Just talking about it, that rush of sorrow came upon him again, his eyes burning with tears and everything in him just aching to let it all out, though he stood tall and still as he could.

"Shh! Listen!" Ginny whispered.

Gulping, Madam Pomfrey pressed her fingers into her mouth and forced her sobs to subside. Out in the darkness they could hear a phoenix singing…A horrible, tragically beautiful song of grief. To the inhabitants of the room, it felt as though the song was theirs…Coming right from them and their own sorrow. The terrible and lovely sound filled them up and had the sort of calming affect one might get if they were crying or screaming or expressing their emotions, easing their pain through some sort of action…but it was only the song of the phoenix lessening their anguish.

None were entirely aware of how long they stood there, listening, but it felt like a long time later when the spell was finally broken. The door burst open and in came Arthur and Molly Weasley. Harry stepped aside as they strode in, eyes only for their mangled son laying in one of the beds. Ginny gave Harry's arm a gentle squeeze before walking over to where her parents stood.

"Bill! Oh _Bill_!" Mrs. Weasley, leaning down to press her lips to his bloody forehead.

"You said Greyback attacked him?" Mr. Weasley asked Professor McGonagall. "But he hadn't transformed? So what does this mean? What will happen to Bill?"

"We don't yet know," said Professor McGonagall, looking helplessly to Lupin.

"There will probably be some contamination, Arthur," said Lupin. "It is an odd case, possibly unique. We don't know what his behavior might be like when he awakens."

Hermione motioned Harry closer and he walked over to her as she conjured a chair right beside hers. They sat by Luna's bed, listening as they talked of the attack…Of Fenrir Greyback savagely attacking Bill and slowly moved on to discussing the rest of the battle. Hermione described how she and Luna had been waiting in the dungeons and how Severus had told them to stay with an unconscious Flitwick…How Hermione had shared the Felix Felicis with Ginny and some of the others, the 'liquid luck' Harry had left her with before leaving with Dumbledore, 'just in case.' Harry had hoped they wouldn't need it, but had had a feeling it would be best if he left it with them, should anything happen in his absence. Luna hadn't taken any and had ended up being hit by a stray curse on their way upstairs. Eventually the Weasleys asked of Dumbledore's death and Harry was, luckily, spared from having to explain it all over again by McGonagall. Mrs. Weasley was too upset over Bill to pay much attention to anything else, sobbing about poor Bill and made a few mentions of Ron, how she had already lost one son…How she could have lost her other children…How different her poor Billy's life might be…Eventually the others broke off into their own conversations, including a loud argument between Lupin and Tonks over a relationship Tonks wanted that Lupin was reluctant to give.

"I think…we should go, Harry," Hermione said quietly, not seeming to want to be around others any more than Harry did.

The two stood up, seemingly unnoticed by everyone. As they headed towards the door, though, Harry was stopped by a hand on his arm. "One second…I'd like a word, Mr. Potter," McGonagall said.

Harry nodded and followed McGonagall to an empty side of the infirmary. She looked at him sympathetically. "I know the headmaster's death is hard on everyone and…considering how close you were to Severus…you trusted him…I'm sure it's quite the shock and is bound to be upsetting to you. I know you have your friends, but if you ever need any guidance…anyone to talk to…You know where to find me."

McGonagall had been so harsh towards Severus since finding them together and no more than ever she had reason to mistrust him and hate him…Harry couldn't blame her for it and he wished he could tell her the truth. He doubted she would believe him, anyway. He did feel a rush of gratitude towards his Head of House for her care and he slowly nodded his head. "Okay…Thanks, Professor."

Harry turned and walked back to Hermione who was waiting by the door. She reached out and took his hand and together they walked through the corridors, towards the dungeons at Harry's silent urging. Hermione sent him a sharp, shocked glance, but said nothing as she followed him. The walk seemed to be taking forever and Harry didn't mind so much…The sooner he faced this task, the sooner he would have to accept everything that had happened tonight was real and he wasn't fully ready to accept it all as truth.

Dumbledore was _dead_. _Dumbledore_ was _dead_. It didn't seem real. How could anyone kill Dumbledore? He was the most powerful wizard in the world. He was the most brilliant person Harry had ever met. No matter how frustrating the older wizard could sometimes be…He was all the real guidance Harry had had. Harry loved him. Harry _needed_ him. How was he supposed to defeat Voldemort alone? No help from Dumbledore…No possible way to get help from Severus…

Severus.

Severus and Draco were gone now, too…Alive, thankfully, but for how long? Would Voldemort punish Draco for not doing it as he was supposed to? Would he punish Severus for losing Harry's trust? Even if it wasn't today, how long would they really last under the cruel and tyrannical rule of Voldemort? The war was getting stronger now…The end was near, Harry knew.

It was the loss, Harry knew. This ache inside of him…It came from losing yet three more people in his life…People who meant so much to him. One was dead and there was a very real possibility he'd never see the other two again. But it was more than just that…It was the realization of what was upon him.

It was one thing to know what he had to do. He had been training for nearly two years for very good reason…But it was _here_ now. Voldemort had gotten what he wanted…Dumbledore no longer stood in his way. How long would the rest of their world stand against him? It was the time for action now…and Harry felt lost. What was he supposed to do now? How could he do this alone…?

They stepped over broken glass, pieces of metal, broken wood of picture frames, and even a few rubies and sapphires and emeralds and topazes that had been kicked around and spread out from the broken hourglasses. There were even smears of blood that, not paying attention, Hermione slid on and Harry grabbed her and held her steady, waiting with her while she stared down in horror at the blood under her feet. They continued on, Hermione now trembling softly.

The dungeons were empty when they got there…Lucky. Less explaining he would have to do. He hadn't even thought of it until he got there. Hermione squeezed his hand as they approached Severus's office and he stepped in, the whole place feeling unnaturally empty and cold. Swallowing hard, Harry pulled his necklace out of his shirt and stared down at the lion and the snake and the new words, _amor vincit_. It was new…Had Severus changed it, knowing he would never be back? His throat felt tight and he reached out to grasp the side of Severus's desk, his fingers enclosing tightly around the pendant. His heart clenched painfully at the thought of his lover and the knowledge that he would not find him behind this wall and that no matter how long he waited, he wouldn't be coming back. The tears that had been invading his eyes finally began to overflow, slowly…One by one sliding down his face.

"Harry…" Hermione said quietly, her voice trembling.

"_Amor vincit_," Harry whispered, wiping his tears away and taking a deep breath as the door started to appear in the wall.

"Harry…Why are we here?" Hermione asked quietly.

Harry didn't answer her. He didn't dare say anything until they were in the safety of Severus's rooms. He stepped forward and reached out, grasping the knob as it appeared and twisting it, pushing it open as the door became fully visible. Hermione hurried in after him and Harry quickly closed the door and leaned back against it. Hermione didn't stand very far from him, looking awkward and uncertain where she stood.

"Draco said Voldemort was going to kill him if he didn't do it soon," Harry explained quietly, slowly moving across the room to collapse onto the familiar couch. Hermione moved over to gingerly sit beside him.

"He should have come to us…We told him to tell us…to let us try to help him," Hermione argued.

"I know…But he was scared…Really scared," Harry reminded her. Draco had been petrified the more Voldemort threatened him. Harry and Hermione had been foolish to assume they had convinced Draco to come to them with all of his problems. _If he had, maybe this wouldn't have happened. He wouldn't' have let in the Death Eaters. And Severus wouldn't have had to kill Dumbledore_. "You didn't see him, though…He really didn't want to…He was so upset and so scared. He actually cast the curse, but either it missed or it wasn't strong enough because it didn't hurt him…Dumbledore, I mean," Harry explained. "Pansy showed up, too, by the way. Tried urging Draco to do it…Said something nasty about you so he Stupified her," he explained, not sure why, but hoping that it would make Hermione feel a little better.

It didn't seem to work. Her eyes flashed angrily. "Yes, because we should all use spells against people because they badmouth someone."

Harry decided to leave out the part about Dumbledore offering Draco protection if he stayed on their side. If he talked about it he would just get angry again…But he also had a feeling he would try to defend Draco if Hermione or anyone else said anything about it. It was the same with Severus…Harry was upset with them, but at the same time didn't think he could bear hearing other people's low opinions of them and their actions. He did go on without responding to Hermione's comments. "A few Death Eaters came in after that. Amycus and Alecto, I think…and then Greyback. Tried to get Draco to do it, but I don't think he could even try again…Then Severus came in and…He and Draco and Alecto all pointed their wands at him and Severus…he did it. He made the others leave and stayed behind to talk to me…Told me Dumbledore was dying, anyway. Remember his hand? How black and nasty it looked? It had something to do with being cursed by another Horcrux he tried to destroy. It was going to kill him anyway and…and he had to drink poison tonight when we got the locket and…that…that could have done it, too…They arranged for Severus to kill him beforehand…He said I needed to tell everyone he and Draco were on Voldemort's side…That he couldn't play the double agent anymore and has to stay on Voldemort's side…Made me chase him…and attack him…so he'd have a memory to show Voldemort…So he wouldn't try to use Severus to continue to 'use' me or what have you…"

"Oh, Harry," Hermione said quietly, voice filled with her emotional struggle, the one all too clear in her chocolate brown eyes and a difficulty Harry himself had been feeling for a while, and still did. "Do you believe him?"

"I hate them both," Harry said honestly. "Draco…He should have told us everything. He should have let us help…should have found another way. He shouldn't have let in the Death Eaters. He shouldn't have led them to Dumbledore…So many people got hurt and Dumbledore is dead…because of that. He should have…" _He should have accepted Dumbledore's offer of protection_. Harry cleared his throat and went on. "And I hate Severus…for not telling me everything. I hate him for…for not finding another way. I hate him for doing it…There had to be another way. For the both of them. There _had_ to have been something else. They didn't try hard enough…didn't look hard enough…" His voice was thick now, cracking under the strain of his emotions. Dumbledore could still be alive, if not for them. There was more that could have been done…Harry didn't know what, but he knew there had to have been something. "But I love them both, too. Draco is one of my best friends and…I love Severus…With all of my heart. I trust him…I believe in him…Even if I probably shouldn't…I think that…they both…fucked up. But I know…I _know_, Hermione…I know that…that they…" He struggled a moment, finding the right words in his muddled brain. "I know that they aren't evil…that they aren't really with Voldemort. The both did, and are doing, what they believed was right. I think that…wherever they are…they'll be helping us…somehow. Severus loves me…I know he does. And Draco…He loves you."

Hermione bit her lip hard, tears filling her brown eyes and trailing down her cheeks. Her jaw trembled and Harry reached out to take her into his arms and she clutched him desperately. "I love him, too…I love him so much, Harry…I just…I don't…"

"Shhh, I know," Harry whispered, stroking her hair and her back, pressing his lips to her wet cheek.

"I hate him and I love him and I just…I just…UGH! I want to strangle him so badly!" Hermione said, half laughing and half sobbing against him. "We'd be idiots to trust them, wouldn't we?" she demanded, pushing away and wiping her eyes desperately, clearing her throat and coughing a bit.

"Probably," Harry said quietly. He was sure anyone who knew of this conversation would think they were moronic for trusting Severus Snape and Draco Malfoy…They were the reason the castle was invaded and the reason Dumbledore was gone. The events of the night should have opened their eyes to the sort of people they really were…But somehow, it just didn't get through. It didn't have to make sense, because deep down, no matter what, there was too much love and too much trust between them for anything to really and truly break that bond. "We can pick out a few hexes for them when we finally see them again…punish them, you know…Then it'll be alright," he joked.

Hermione laughed, a shaky and almost hysterical sound as she wiped the fresh tears from her face. "I'll have to…get Ginny to…to show me how she does the…the Bat Bogey Hex so…so w-well."

Harry nodded and took a deep breath and relaxed against the familiar cushions of the couch. He didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay here all night…maybe for the rest of term. Severus's rooms seemed like the only real comfort he had now. But he had a job to do…and nothing he _wanted_ really mattered right now. There was too much at stake…too much he had to do before Voldemort went too far.

"Severus said to find his potions book…To learn all of his spells and whatnot," Harry explained after a few silent minutes. "He also said you have free reign to his books…to pick out anything you think we might need."

Hermione nodded. "So…we…?"

"_I_ need to hunt down the rest of the Horcruxes," Harry explained, reluctantly tearing himself away from the couch and standing up. "Somehow, I don't think anything I say will convince you to stay behind."

"Not a chance," Hermione agreed, getting up, as well. "You can't do this alone, Harry…And I'm not sure I'd be able to stand it, losing you, too. We need to stick together, Harry…We have to."

Harry nodded and took a deep breath, looking back at Severus's bookshelves. "I'm not coming back next year, you know…School just…doesn't seem all that important now."

"You're right," Hermione said sadly. "But Hogwarts won't really matter if Voldemort takes control of everything."

Harry nodded. "I'll have to go back to the Dursley's one more time…because that's what Dumbledore wanted…"

Hermione nodded. "Then we'll have to go to the Weasley's for a short time…" Harry raised his eyebrows questioningly…How could anything else be more important than finding Horcruxes? Hermione was quick to explain. "Percy and Penelope are getting married this summer. The Weasley's will all want you there and…and they're like family, Harry…We should at least…say goodbye…and be there for them for at least a few days…Learn what we can from the Order before we go. We can leave them on good terms and…and I'd feel bad not going to see them, honestly…With…Ron being gone and…Bill…being hurt," Hermione explained.

Harry nodded slowly, the idea of just abandoning the Weasleys, who were practically family, seeming so wrong. He _did_ want to spend time at the Burrow…Maybe enjoy a few days before they headed on this journey of theirs. Harry was sure he could convince Sirius to give him some sort of information before they left…Anything that might be useful to them.

With their plans agreed upon, Harry and Hermione set to work. Harry ransacked the bedroom until he found the Half Blood Prince's potions text while Hermione plucked out various books and looked through them before adding them to a pile or putting them back into place. While she worked, Harry set the book upon the bed and looked around. He saw Severus's notes for the potion he had been working on and he straightened the parchment and closed the books and straightened everything up. He dug through drawers, finding spare quills and inkpots and fresh bits of parchment…An entire drawer full of potions that Harry had no idea what they were for. He switched to the drawers on the other side of the desk, the first one making his throat close up. Pictures of his mother…He pulled out the stack of pictures and licked his lips as he looked at them. Why did Severus have pictures of his mother? The emotion he felt just seeing her beautiful face kept him from thinking too hard on it all and all thoughts of the matter were wiped entirely away as he found pictures of himself. One was of him doing his homework, eyebrows scrunched up in concentration. Another of him taking a nap on the couch. The last was of Severus and Harry on the couch…Severus was reaching one of the books Harry had given him for Christmas and Harry was just watching him. He cracked a smile when he remembered this one…Draco had sneaked in to ask Severus for a hangover potion and _couldn't resist_ snapping a picture of the two, who hadn't seemed to notice his presence.

It was probably the only picture of them together.

Harry folded it up and carefully put it in his pocket and stuffed the other pictures into the drawer. He wanted to take everything with him…But he knew he couldn't. He frowned and picked the book up off of the bed, walking out of the room, like he was forcing himself through a wall…like it was taking every last bit of his strength to walk out of that bedroom…He didn't know how he was going to leave the rooms altogether.

"Got it?" Hermione asked, putting another book back on the shelf. She was kneeling and on the last one.

"Yeah," he said quietly.

"Good. I think I'm done, too," she said, standing up and grabbing the small stack of books she had piled up onto the table. "He has a lot of interesting things, but I just picked out the ones I thought would be most useful," she explained. Harry nodded, well aware of Hermione's scrutiny as she eyed him. She then reached out and took his hand, shifting all of the books under one arm…And with that touch, she managed to give Harry what strength he needed to walk away.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **And this, my darlings, is the end of part 2! Only one part (and 33 more chapters) left!

Now, I do ask for an opinion based on a review from the lovely Anniriel…I have been meaning to bring it up, but I'm so forgetful lol. Anyway, we're about to enter _Deathly Hallows_ territory, and I want to know who did die in the book that you want to live and who lived that you might want to die. I make no guarantees, but an opinion might help me make certain decisions…I saved Sirius, didn't I? ;) Course…I could have saved him only to kill him later…mwahahahahha. Rofl.

Anyway, super big thanks to my reviewers: slytherinfighter2011, da-blk-saiyangirl, sexciilexi, sonicgirl582, Mai Sensei, MagicalWinry, xXxElectraxXx, vampirexsama, aliengirlguy, Anniriel, and Mossyrock!

Also thanks vampirexsama and aliengirlguy for the suggestions! And SexciiLexi, thanks again for PM ing me your suggestions!

Please review!

Chapter title lyrics from "Kiss and Control" by AFI.


	63. In a Place of Hearts and Ghosts

**LOST AND DAMNED**

**Part Three**

_In a Place of Hearts and Ghosts_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"_You will have to give Voldemort the correct date of Harry's departure from his aunt and uncle's. Not to do so will raise suspicion, when Voldemort believes you so well informed. However, you must plant the idea of using decoys; that, I think, ought to ensure Harry's safety. Try Confunding Mundungus Fletcher. And Severus, if you are to take part in the chase, you must be sure to play your part convincingly. I am counting on you to remain in Lord Voldemort's good books as long as possible, or Hogwarts will be left at the mercy of the Carrows."_

That was only if the Dark Lord succeeded, however, Severus thought gloomily. Sadly, Severus didn't doubt the Dark Lord's plans would go through. He would take over the Ministry and, in turn, Hogwarts. He made many a comment of placing Severus as the headmaster and placing Amycus and Alecto Carrow as his Deputy Heads. Hogwarts was much better off as was, under Minerva McGonagall's control and untouched by the Darkness of the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters. Severus had no idea what he would do if it actually came to that, though he supposed he would have to come up with something soon. The more time that passed, the more likely it became that that was exactly what was going to happen. He would have to play his part and do nothing that would make the Carrows or the Dark Lord suspicious…and at the same time he would have to protect the students. What a task his mentor had left him with, he thought bitterly. This was what he got, he figured, for getting himself into this complicated mess.

Severus sat in a dark corner in a dingy cavern in Knockturn Alley. He didn't doubt he'd be seeing Mundungus himself soon enough. This was just the sort of place that fitted such a man and he had done enough research to know that the man came in here several times a week. All he had to do now was wait.

If this decoy plan failed…If Harry got hurt…Severus was going to bring Albus back and kill him all over again. Probably not…Just thinking it made Severus cringe and all of that awful guilt and self hatred to return. At any rate, it wasn't as if it would do much good…Nothing anyone did these days was safe. The Dark Lord hadn't seen so much success during the First Wizarding War. Things were worse than ever…How could he expect his lover to be okay? Especially when he was the Dark Lord's target. _Especially_ when Albus had already told him the boy was to die.

Severus liked to comfort himself these days by telling himself that maybe there was a way around it…that maybe things would turn out okay. Maybe Harry _would _live. Maybe Albus was wrong. Sadly, it was hard trying to make himself actually believe it.

It was pure agony, thinking of Harry. The feat for his lover, the need for his lover, all of it was driving him mad. It was hard not to think about him, either. Not when he was a very big subject among the Death Eaters. Not when he was all Albus's portrait (one Albus made sure he would have after everything was all said and done) wanted to talk about. Harry was a central figure in this whole war. He had even come here with the intent to talk about Harry.

Yet there was no relief. He didn't get to see Harry…Didn't dare contact him. Didn't dare take any of the pictures with him or the gifts or anything. All he had were his memories and, worse, his nightmares involving the torture and murder of his lover and other awful visions forced into his mind when the Dark Lord explained in great detail all of the horrid things he would enjoy seeing done to the Chosen One.

Severus wanted to kill him. He wanted to kill all of them for every last thing they threatened to do to Harry. Bellatrix often pleaded with the Dark Lord to torture the boy before his death, something the Dark Lord was willing to give, should she remain as faithful and useful as she was. He liked to tell Severus often that he might let him rape Harry…"_one more round with his young, delectable body…yes…you have earned the right to take some pleasure from him before we dispose of him."_ It disgusted him…Some of his worst dreams involved doing just that…_raping_ the man he loved for his psychopath of a 'master.'

He was not left to his thoughts for very long, thankfully. He noticed the moment Mundungus Fletcher walked into the establishment, sitting himself at a small booth not far from where Severus sat. Severus immediately stood, knowing he would have to make quick work before anyone else approached the criminal. He wasn't sure if the man had any plans to meet with anyone, but it didn't hurt to assume that to be the case. Severus quickly glanced around the place as he walked towards Mundungus. No one was eying him or approaching him…the tavern was almost empty, actually, and Severus could see why it would hardly be a very popular place.

He made quick and silent work of performing the Confundus Charm on Mundungus before letting himself be seen and sliding into the seat in front of him. He had to do his best to use it nonverbally _and_ wandlessly to avoid undesired attention, but it also meant that holding the charm up long enough to do this would be a bit tricky. He frowned and concentrated on keeping Mundungus under his spell. "You will suggest to the Order of the Phoenix that they use decoys. Polyjuice Potion. Identical Potters. It is the only thing that might work. You will forget that I have suggested this. You will present it as your own idea. You understand?"

"I understand," the man murmured.

"Good," Severus muttered, glancing around once again before sliding out of the booth and quickly heading off. He didn't dare let go of the charm until he knew Mundungus wouldn't see him or recognize him. He took one more glance at the man before leaving entirely, pleased to see him still sitting dumbly at his booth. The magic it took to continue the charm without a wand and from this distance was taxing and Severus finally let it go, feeling a bit dizzy as the magic dropped, but he caught himself and continued to watch Mundungus for a minute. The man didn't see him and didn't seem anything but confused. It worked. Relaxing a bit, Severus stepped out of the tavern and immediately Disapparated.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Two days later, Severus found himself Apparating right in front of Malfoy Manor after leaving the tavern yet again, making sure the Order of the Phoenix was going along with his suggestion. It wouldn't do well to have gone through all of that trouble only to give the Dark Lord the wrong news. He and Yaxley arrived around the same time, close to being late for the newest Death Eater meeting. It was a somber affair, especially hard on Severus, seeing the sort of state his friends were in. Once proud (arrogantly so), the Malfoys now seemed dim and submissive…Haughty they might have been, but their confidence had always been part of their charm and their greatness. But there they sat, his dear friends Lucius, Narcissa, and Draco, heads bowed and being put to shame by the Dark Lord's constant taunting.

"Maybe we can kill the Mudblood Granger first, hm?" the Dark Lord would say. "It would be great torment to young Harry Potter…and it would be a great test, young Draco, to where your loyalties lie…There are more attractive, more pure women meant for you, aren't there? It truly is a pity you tainted yourself…ha. _Loving_ a Mudblood. How _pathetic_."

The crowd would jeer and Draco had stopped reminding them that he had only dated Hermione to help get close to her and Harry…Even if it wasn't true, it was the impression he had given them. Draco was doing much better at hiding his concern and his terror, at least. He barely flinched and any reactions he might have had could have been written off as his humiliation. Severus had to bite his own tongue when the Dark Lord glanced in amusement at him and the others all sniggered, as well. Some of them remembered well, how he had pleaded for Lily Potter's life. No matter where he stood with the Dark Lord, they would always find his 'shortcomings' amusing. Even the Dark Lord still found great humor in his past feelings for Lily (though the Dark Lord at least wrote them off as attractions…lusting a Mudblood was slightly better than _loving_ one) and especially in his more homosexual tendencies, always offering him the honor of raping Harry before he died and saying that, as headmaster of Hogwarts, he could have the arse of all of the young boys he wanted (as long as they weren't Death Eater children or purebloods at all, really, of course…no need to taint the _important_ ones).

At least his favor with the Dark Lord kept him from the more harsh treatment others received. The Dark Lord went on to tease Bellatrix and Narcissa about their niece's, Nymphadora Tonks', recent marriage to one Remus Lupin. Bellatrix proudly proclaimed they had disowned their Muggle-loving sister Andromeda and had nothing to do with her or her half blooded, werewolf-loving brat. He teased them further and took Lucius Malfoy's wand for his own use (Severus truly pitied the man…even if the man made it difficult at times, Severus cared for his man as his oldest friend and an old lover) and pointed out how displeased the family was by his presence in their home.

The hardest event of the night was the death of Charity Burbage. They had her hanging above their table and she looked as though she had been tortured for days. She was the old Muggle Studies teacher from Hogwarts and Severus knew her well. Severus had never been close with her, but he held no real contempt towards her. Charity Burbage was a very accepting and non-judgmental woman. She was one of very few people who knew of Severus's sexual preferences and one of even fewer who didn't seem to mind them much. She and Albus Dumbledore were the only people Severus could ever remember making a stand against homosexuality in their world, but with little support, their passion for the subject was quieted and forgotten and entirely unsupported. She was very idealistic and annoying, honestly, but Severus certainly wished her no ill will. He felt some bit of regret sitting there, letting her suffer. He felt even worse as she spoke his name, pleading with him to help her. He wanted to dig himself a hole and crawl in it to escape the scrutiny of his peers and the horrible self-loathing he felt as he sat there and let the Dark Lord kill her without so much as a word in her defense.

"_Yes, Professor Burbage taught the children of witches and wizards all about Muggles,"_ the Dark Lord had began his introduction of her. _"how they are not so different from us. Not content with corrupting and polluting the minds of Wizarding children, last week Professor Burbage wrote an impassioned defense of Mudbloods in the _Daily Prophet_. Wizards, she says, must accept these thieves of their knowledge and magic. The dwindling of the purebloods is, says Professor Burbage, a most desirable circumstance…She would have us all mate with Muggles…or, no doubt, werewolves."_

The Dark Lord's tone had been furious as he spoke. Wrath enough to scare everyone, allowing no amusement to be had among them. They all sat in silence and watched as Charity Burbage died and as the Dark Lord announced dinner for Nagini…Watching the snake slither up onto the table, eating the woman while the Dark Lord continued on, announcing that next Saturday night they would have Harry Potter and he would be dead.

Everything within Severus raged as the Dark Lord spoke. Every inch of him was alive and burning in fury. He wanted to rip the man to shreds. He wanted to slice up every smug smirk and psychotic gleam in the faces of the other Death Eaters. No one would be hurting Harry. The mere thought of it was torturous. He _hated_ them. Never, in all of his life, had he despised being in this position so much. Not Lily's death, not all of the torture he had gone through, none of the near-death experiences, nothing…nothing in all of his career as a Death Eater had made him so sick…made him actually question his ability to keep up this ruse. Here he was, listening to them plot out the torture and death of the man he loved…having to join in and pretend there was nothing he would enjoy more than seeing Harry Potter dead.

"_The perfect revenge on James Potter, eh, Severus?"_ Abaddon Avery would cackle.

But he's not James Potter! And no revenge on his old school bully was worth the pain that would come with losing Harry. Harry wasn't James…He wasn't even Lily. He was _Harry_. _His Harry_.

Ripping out his heart would surely be less painful than all of this nonsense.

The meeting didn't last much longer once Nagini ate Charity Burbage and Severus was glad of it. The Dark Lord walked off with Balthazar Avery and Tuomas Mulciber in a deep and quiet conversation into what used to be Lucius Malfoy's office. It had apparently been transformed into something more suitable to the Dark Lord's needs. Most people left, but a small group remained behind. Bellatrix, Rodolphus, Rabastan, Amycus, and Alecto were all having a very lively discussion about the sorts of awful things they wanted to do to various people.

"You think it wise to use the Imperius on someone with…ahhh…mental instabilities?" Bellatrix was asking with a sly grin.

"Probablly…I don't see why not," Alecto said. "Why?"

"Oh, nothing…I merely thought it would be fun to see how Neville Longbottom might react when faced with dear old mum and dad," Bellatrix said with a grin.

Severus walked as far from them as he could. He honestly did not think he could handle much more of this tonight and he was very close to hexing that awful sadistic grin from Bellatrix Lestrange's face.

He was much more interested in finding Draco.

Instead he found himself stopped by one of the last people he expected: Oedipus Odell, younger brother of his ex lover, Orpheus Odell. Severus had been in school with Oedipus, in the same year…He was more attractive than his older brother and infinitely more annoying and arrogant. He was an incredibly handsome man of thirty-seven with dark auburn hair and the same honey colored eyes as his brother. He had a bright smile that could charm the panties off of any witch but there was a certain wickedness in it now that made him look severely dangerous.

"Hello, Severus," said Oedipus, turning away from Ezra Nott and Abbadon Avery to look at him.

Severus held his head high, not willing to let the likes of this snobby young man make him feel inferior as he had while they were in school. "Oedipus," he said dryly. "My sincerest apologies."

Oedipus raised an eyebrow.

"I heard, of course, that your wife left you for a Muggle man," Severus reminded him, pleased by the way his smug smirk fell away and those cold honey eyes narrowed.

"Might save that for our children…Seeing as I had to kill their darling mother," Oedipus spat. "Ursula Odell, pronounced dead at 3 or so this afternoon, causes unknown," Oedipus said mockingly. "Causes being a very nasty Killing Curse upon her and her Muggle toy. No matter. My children do not need such influence in their lives."

"Indeed," Severus said dryly. Ezra and Abaddon snickered and Oedipus gave Severus his nastiest glare. While killing Ursula and her lover had saved him a bit of face, there was still cause for humiliation in the fact that his beautiful pureblood bride had been unfaithful with what was little more than an animal to them.

"A blood traitor for a wife and a fag for a brother," Ezra cackled. "Quite the family you have there, Odell."

Oedipus looked alarmed and he spun around to glare at them. "What the bloody hell are you talking about? My brother?"

"Yeah. Wasn't he screwing Snape for a few years a while back?" Abaddon said, sneering at Severus.

"Ah, you must be mistaken, Avery," Severus said. He was a bit amused that Oedipus didn't know just how much these people knew about his family. "_I _was screwing _Orpheus_…He's always been a bottom, you know."

Ezra and Abaddon laughed hard and Oedipus glowered hard at Severus, as though he could set the other man on fire with just his look.

"Liked sucking cock, too, did he?" Abaddon grinned.

"Oh yes…He enjoyed it immensely, if I recall," Severus said. He felt a bit bad about using Orpheus in such a manner of amusement among the Death Eaters, but it did feel good to put Oedipus in his place. The man looked absolutely furious and embarrassed. It was one thing having a gay brother, it was another thing for him to be _the girl_. Severus almost snorted at the thought, thoughts straying over to Harry again and his young lovers own feelings over being thought of as _the girl_.

"Luckily I have nothing to do with that _faggot_ then," Oedipus seethed. "You are both disgusting _beasts_, that's what you are. No better than Muggles or Mudbloods or Blood Traitors, the lot of you. How on earth a queer like you managed to become such a favorite of our lord or such a _dear friend_ of the Malfoys is beyond me…probably working on making the rest of us gay so you have somewhere to stick it when Potter drops dead, but trust me…I doubt even Wormtail would put out for you if you succeeded. Being hideous _and_ queer can't do much for your sex life, can it?"

The bullying over his sexuality never got old, did it? Severus was used to it by now, and while it didn't really bother him as much as it used to, he couldn't just let it go. He moved closer to Oedipus, pleased when the man stepped back hurriedly, his beautiful face red and twisted up in his self righteous anger. "I managed to _stick it_ in _your_ brother _and_ the great 'hero' of the Wizarding world. But never fear, Oedipus…I'm not interested in the likes of you."

Abaddon chuckled. "Hear that, Odell? Even Snape won't fuck you."

Severus smirked and walked off, listening to Oedipus hiss, "_Shut up_," at his friends. Perhaps he shouldn't have instigated things with Oedipus, but he had known the man long enough to know that if Severus didn't start something that the other man would. Oedipus Odell had a tendency to seek out trouble. He enjoyed fighting too much, which didn't do him well these days. Not when his mother turned out to be a halfblood who lied about her blood status…not when his wife abandoned him for a Muggle…not when his brother was gay…and certainly not when his oldest child, his son Orson Odell, was fighting on the opposite side of the war. It was easy…too easy…to get Oedipus Odell riled up nowadays and Severus enjoyed putting Oedipus in his place immensely. It was the sweetest revenge for all the years Oedipus spent taunting him, not only in school but shortly after joining the Death Eaters. Severus would admit he had harbored a small _attraction_ to Oedipus while in school when he discovered his sexuality. Oedipus had always been incredibly attractive…sadly his physical beauty did little to make his atrocious personality appealing.

He let thoughts of Oedipus Odell fall away, though, in favor of hunting down his godson. He found Narcissa in the sitting room with Abaddon's wife, Honor Avery. No Draco to be found, though.

"You really shouldn't press Oedipus in such a manner, you know," Narcissa said with an amused smile.

"You heard, I take?" Severus asked, rolling his eyes at their shameless grins. "I do not take kindly to eavesdroppers."

"Oh hush. You're in my home, may I remind you, Severus," Narcissa said with a smile.

"Ahh, how could I forget?" Severus said. "Do you know where Draco is? I was hoping to speak with him before I leave."

"Lucius took him out to the gardens…Needed to speak privately with him," Narcissa said with a shrug. "I doubt he'd mind the interruption, though, if it's important."

"It is," Severus said, feeling sick at the thought of Lucius needed _private time_ with his son. Surely not…No, he wouldn't dare with such company in his home.

Narcissa nodded and stood and wlaked over to him, giving him a quick hug. "Thank you so much…again. I owe you everything, Severus," she whispered into his ear and gave him a kiss on the cheek before falling back. Every time Severus saw her the woman was always thanking him for what he had done, for _saving Draco_. He had to think of it that way…It was a lot easier to think of the even as helping Draco rather than killing Albus.

With a nod, Severus left Narcissa and Honor to their talking and headed out towards the back of the house and out into the gardens. They were glorious and looked so hauntingly beautiful in the nighttime. Now was no time to appreciate their beauty, however. He had more important things to attend to than admiring the pond or the stone benches or all of the beautiful flowers or even the stunning labyrinth right in the middle. There was a lovely stone pathway that led all around the garden, the start of it framed by two bushes cut into the shape of a lovely unicorn reaching out its front hooves to the front legs of a dragon. Very fitting for the image the Malfoys liked to project: beauty and grace as well as power and fear. Severus walked between them and under their outreached limbs and headed down the pathway. He saw the gloriously pure white peacock from earlier run out ahead of him and disappeared into the darkness again.

It, sadly, didn't take long for Severus to find them. He heard before he saw them and immediately grabbed his wand, fingers so tight around it he feared he might actually snap it. "Father, please…don't," Draco was begging, voice near hysteria.

"Shhh…my dear Draco…I missed you so much," Lucius whispered in that loving and seductive tone that could make one feel safe and incredibly turned on at the same time. Severus had been victim to that tone before, but right now he felt nothing but nauseous. When was this going to stop? How long had it been continuing?

Severus closed his eyes, wishing he could drown out the sound of Draco's pleasured moans, the sound tainted by the undertones of shame and misery. He didn't want it to feel good, but whatever it was, did. Severus could see it behind his eyes…Lucius reaching into his son's pants or even on his knees before his son…Lucius always could do amazing things with that sharp tongue of his…Severus shuddered and it wasn't a pleasant one. He wanted to _castrate_ the man. Sadly, he knew too much commotion would bring too much unwanted attention upon the situation and no matter what hell Lucius deserved, Severus could not put Draco through that.

Trembling in his disgust and his rage, Severus took a moment to calm himself, not wanting to seem as though he knew what exactly was going on. Sadly the deep moaning and disturbing wet sounds made it difficult to concentrate. "Draco?" Severus called out, grateful he managed some control over his voice. _You nasty, vile pig Lucius. I am going to fucking rip off your dick and force feed it to you!_ he wanted to scream, imagining all the horrid things he wanted to shout at his best friend.

The gasps were heard immediately as well as the rustling of clothes. Severus rolled his eyes. Were they even trying to hide it? Severus walked slowly towards the sound, only allowing himself to speed up a bit when his godson called back, "I…um…I'm back here, Seve…rus!"

Severus took a deep breath and turned around the side of the maze where Draco was sitting at a lovely glass table in one of his mother's favorite and nicest outdoor chairs: highly uncomfortable, but very beautiful and silver. His face was pink and wet with tears, though he had at least hastily tried to wipe them away. Lucius stood with his back to them, idly fingering a dark red rose in the rose bush.

"I was hoping to have a word with you before I leave," Severus said.

"You may do so here…I must return to the house," Lucius said with more calmness than his son, turning and quickly striding back down the same path Severus had come down. Severus, meanwhile, walked over to where Draco sat, sitting at the same table, across from him.

"You remember the curse Harry used on Nott?" Severus asked.

"Mhm," Draco said.

"It does well with cutting off body parts, you know," Severus said.

Draco froze and swallowed hard after a moment, turning redder. Severus frowned at the pain that filled those silver eyes and the deep shame Severus could almost feel radiating from him. "What did you want to talk to me about?"

"You do not have to allow him to do this to you. It is right foolish of him to attempt to do so right under the noses of such a group of people," Severus remarked.

"I don't want to talk about it," Draco snapped. "I'm alive. He isn't hurting me. It's fine."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "You surely know better than that."

"Look. There are more important things going on in the world. I can handle this," Draco said.

Severus nodded slowly and reluctantly. He didn't want to just let it go…They needed to do something about Lucius…But Draco was right. As bad as it sounded, there _were_ more important things to focus on. Things were harder than ever for them now, especially putting the prospect of the danger their loved ones were in on top of it all. "You paid attention tonight, I presume?"

"To?" Draco asked.

"My news," Severus explained. He leaned in closer and glanced around to be sure they were alone. He still didn't quite trust saying it aloud. "They will be using decoys…Polyjuicing various Order members to look like Harry. We will, of course, be going after them…We can almost guarantee Granger will be among them. You know her…She won't just let Harry go off by himself without risking her pretty little neck. They are Gryffindors."

Draco's eyes were wide. "Fuck. Hermione…_Fuck_!"

"Yes," Severus said. "I do not like it more than you…But there's nothing we can do on that front. What we can do is make sure we're there…That we're part of the group going after them. We can at least attempt to protect them if we are among them."

"_How_? You don't think us swooping in to save the day will go unnoticed?" Draco snapped.

Severus raised his eyebrow. "They're called nonverbal spells. Aiming close enough to look like you're targeting them, but missing on purpose. We have a short time to train you for this, Draco."

"I…But…wh…I…" Draco sputtered.

"You want to protect Harry and Granger, don't you?"

"Of course!" Draco hissed.

"Good," Severus said. "I will speak with the Dark Lord, as well as your parents, about the possibility of bringing you to my home for some private training…if not there, perhaps I'll see what I can do about doing so here. The least they'll allow me to do is brush you up on the use of nonverbal curses."

"I…" Draco said. "Do you really think this will work?"

"It has to," Severus said simply. "I will _not_ let _anything_ happen to Harry and I will do my damned best to make sure he suffers no unnecessary losses." If Harry lost one of his friends, Severus wasn't sure what he would do…His lover had suffered so much already in his young life. Too much. And would still. "It will be chaotic…Everyone will be too focused on their own objectives to pay us much mine. As long as we aren't making ourselves known…if we do our best to be stealthy, then nothing should go wrong. We will be able to protect them to the best of our abilities while keeping our cover. Of course, it _will_ be dangerous out there…If you are unwilling-"

"Don't go there!" Draco snarled. "Of course I'd…Damn it. I'd do anything for her. I _love_ her! And Harry…he's the best friend I've ever had! I…I…"

"Good," Severus said. "If all goes as planned, we will begin training in the morning."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **Sorry for the delay! Work is…Blegh. I'm super tired, but I have to stay awake because my retard of a boss decided we needed to have a meeting from 11 PM to midnight…Ugh. So I decided to be constructive and try to finish this chapter before I have to leave and…ta da! Hope it's good!

Now a warning…It is harder for me to write chapters when I'm doing scenes close to the book and need the book as reference and a good bit of the third part will be that sort of thing, so I might be a bit behind on posting…But I have given myself a deadline so hopefully that will encourage me to pick up the pace some!

Anyway, this is the official start to the third part of the story and I'm super excited! I hope everyone sticks with me and our boys to the end! Big thanks to my wonderful reviewers: Mai Sensei, da-blk-saiyangirl, aliengirlguy, Anniriel, slytherinfighter2011, vampirexsama, Kaiya Sumeragi, xXxElectraxXx, SevLoverKat, Serpent91, Mia Tun, and SnarryGrrl! I'm almost at 400 reviews so help a girl out! Please review!

To aliengirlguy: there won't be a fourth part, but there will be a three part (possibly) 99 chapter sequel to cover the aftermath of the war. Hehehe.

To Anniriel: I could have saved him just to screw with ya'll…Mwahhahaha. Gotta keep ya'll on your toes, don't I? lmao

To vampirexsama: glad you liked the password! Spent forever trying to come up with a good one lol.

To serpent91: thanks so much! I'm glad you like it and it's nice hearing about the affects it has on people. The fact that it can get to people like that makes me so proud!

To Mia Tun: I'm sorry you've had such a hard time lately and I'm so, so happy that my story made some sort of difference!

To SnarryGrrl: I'm glad you're enjoying it so much!

Thanks everyone for the positive feedback! And to all of those with suggestions on who to kill, who to have survive, and suggestions for things to happen…I love the opinions, but I can't really respond to any of them for fear of giving anything away. Just keep in mind that anything can happen…hehehe.

Chapter title lyrics from "Vox Populi" by 30 Seconds to Mars.


	64. But the Truth in Who We are

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_But the Truth in Who We Are_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

On Saturday, they covered Privet Drive. It was the day the Order of the Phoenix intended to move Harry Potter and the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters would be ready. Severus Snape, as luck would have it, was one of those closest to Number Four, hiding in the darkness with his back pressed against the side of the house across the street. He had his broom in his hand and Draco Malfoy and Oedipus Odell on either side of him. Draco was fidgeting around nervously, looking very pale and like he might get sick at any moment. He was too young for this, Severus thought sadly, wishing he could afford to give his godson some sort of comfort. This was war, though…no one was going to have it easy…and Severus couldn't do much for fear of gaining unwanted attention from Oedipus, who was busily staring through the darkness at Number Four.

They weren't aware of when the door opened and the group walked out of the house, but they definitely took notice to the roar of an engine. Severus tensed and stared across the street while Oedipus took a glance around the neighborhood. "Must be them, then," he muttered, shifting around a bit and coming to mount his broom. Severus nodded to Draco and they followed suit.

Severus felt a strange mixture of excitement and dread. The mission itself was hard not to feel some sort of adrenaline rush over. They were getting to _do_ something, finally. It seemed they spent more time strategizing than anything…a smart move, but when there was so much talk over the things they wanted to do, Severus was starting to feel anxious and just wanted to get it over with already. If not by success, then at least get the attempt over and done with. He felt anxious, eager to get moving so that he could stop worrying so much…So that Harry could be safe. The Dark Lord _was not_ going to succeed, he told himself over and over again.

At the same time, though, he dreaded this whole ordeal. What if something _did_ happen to Harry? Severus wasn't ready for that. He wasn't sure he could properly handle losing someone so important to him yet again. He had played too close a role in Lily's death…His own wand had brought about the end of Albus Dumbledore…Severus didn't just lose people, he always took part in the demise of those he loved. If anything happened to Harry tonight, his injuries or his death would, too, be caused by Severus Snape. He, who had given Mundungus Fletcher this idea to present (forgetting it was on Albus's orders altogether) and being among the Death Eaters who would attack them now…

Severus swallowed hard and gripped his broom firmly, watching as several dark figures moved up into the sky. There was no time to wallow in these miserable _what ifs_ and driving himself mad with the thought of different scenarios. The only thing that he should be thinking about was doing this right…He had no doubts that no one would notice his and Draco's interference. Everyone was too caught up in what they needed to do to pay attention to such things. The false aiming and nonverbal spells would work without fail.

His main concern was Draco's ability to perform well under pressure. Another important factor was just how chaotic it would be and how many Harrys there would be…Accidents could happen, especially since it was only Draco and himself doing their best to help the damned Order. There were a little more than double the amount of Death Eaters than the group sent to help Harry.

"Now!" Oedipus hissed with a grin and began flying up towards where the group was headed. Severus and Draco followed suit and the rest of the Death Eaters were not far behind them.

"Bloody hell!" hissed Rabastan Lestrange from nearby.

"Don't worry about it…just gives us good reason to go after them all," cackled Alecto Carrow. "_Crucio_!"

"_AVADA KEDAVRA_!" someone nearby called out, but Severus couldn't decide who it was.

Severus took a quick moment to glance around at the Order. There were pairs on brooms, some on thestrals, and one on that damned motorbike that was Sirius Black's. The oaf, Rubeus Hagrid, was riding it…not seeing Black anywhere, he assumed he must be one of those disguised as Harry. Severus couldn't imagine he'd miss out on _this_ bit of fun. He did note that Lupin was on one of the brooms as himself. There was Mad Eye Moody, Arthur Weasley, Bill Weasley, Kinglsey Shackelbolt, and Nymphadora Tonks…well, Lupin now, he supposed. The other seven were Harry Potter look-alikes. He figured Black and Granger were among them…Harry was, obviously, one of them…but other than that, he didn't know who else was among them. It didn't matter much, he supposed…Part of Severus wished he knew which one was Harry, but now was hardly the time to worry about it.

Flashes of light were shooting everywhere. Some were nonverbal, some idiots were actually screaming out their curses. Severus leaned to his right slightly and ducked, narrowly missing two curses from up ahead of him. It was tempting to fire back at Tonks and Lupin, but he had to remind himself that they didn't realize he was still on their side. Harry would probably be upset if he did any damage to Lupin, anyway. He aimed his wand just over Lupin's shoulder at where Ezra Nott was flying and shot out a nonverbal curse, pleased to see it hit, knocking Nott right off of his broom.

Draco wasn't fairing very well. He was doing more Shield Charms to protect himself than anything, considering he was spending too much time looking at the Order and, more specifically, the Harrys, as though trying to determine which ones were the ones he cared about. Severus growled in irritation and flew towards his godson, intercepting a curse that flew towards Draco's turned back. "Draco!" Severus snapped, rolling his eyes as the boy jumped and nearly fell off of his broom. "Focus!" he hissed before turning his own attention back to the fight.

"Sorry…shite," Draco muttered, shaking his head furiously as though trying to get a grip on himself before looking determinedly at the chaos around, holding up his wand a bit straighter and flying forward a bit faster.

There was little time to see how Draco picked things up from here. Azrael Avery, pointing her wand at Lupin's back. Severus quickly raised his own wand and aimed towards the Death Eater's wand hand. "_Sectumsempra_," he whispered, knowing that saying it would put more power behind the curse. Unfortunately, Azrael and Lupin both moved slightly at the same time…Enough for Azrael's curse to miss Lupin just narrowly and just enough for the curse to hit the Harry that was with Lupin…The sight of bright blood could only been seen for a moment, but Severus gaped in horror at the loud, pained scream. The sound…Severus clenched his wand in horror and fought against the urge to fly towards him and offer his help and his apologies…There was a good chance it wasn't even _his_ Harry, Severus reminded himself…But the sight of…the idea of his Harry in pain…damaged…because of _him_…

A flash of green light shooting past him distracted him from the injured Harry and he spun around, glowering at Oedipus Odell who just grinned wickedly and flew off. There was no time to dwell on any of it. The Harry, be it his Harry or an decoy, was alive and would hopefully stay that way. Amycus and Alecto Carrow both went after a thestral carrying Bill Weasley and another Harry and Draco was on their tail. Severus felt a moment of immense pride as Draco deflected two curses at once without bringing any attention to himself, but his own attention was diverted before long. Since Draco had control of Bill, Severus turned his attention towards Oedipus Odell who was going after another thestral carrying Kingsley Shackelbolt and another Harry. He raised his own wand, aiming at Oedipus's arm, contemplating taking off his head instead of just an arm, but found himself roughly shoved aside by another Death Eater, followed shortly by the damned motorbike with Stan Shunpike on its tail.

"_Expelliarmus_!" the Harry in the sidecar yelled.

"That's him! It's him! It's the real one!" Abaddon Avery shouted from nearby.

Severus closed his eyes for a moment and groaned. Had they not been in the middle of a very dangerous battle, Severus would have considered knocking some sense into the boy. Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it. There was little comfort in knowing-_knowing_-it was his Harry when everyone else was suddenly made aware of that fact. Severus glanced at him anxiously and eyed the nearby Death Eaters, though they immediately fell back and Severus's heart sank when he realized why. So far Harry seemed virtually unharmed.

_So far_.

Severus felt a chill run down his spine as he felt more than saw or heard the approach of the Dark Lord. He swallowed hard and gripped his wand tightly, wand arm trembling for the first time tonight as he saw the Dark Lord flying easily through the air after Hagrid and Harry.

How could he let anything happen to Harry? _How_?

"_When the time comes, Harry will have to die,"_ Albus had said.

Now wasn't the right time. It just wasn't. Severus swallowed hard. He couldn't…_couldn't_…lose his position. He had worked too hard and too long to get here, and he was still needed. He couldn't' abandon Hogwarts to the cruelty of the Carrows…Couldn't risk not being able to aid the war in any way that he could. _Bugger them all…I'd gladly sacrifice them all for Harry_ he thought passionately, wanting so badly to chase after them and do whatever it took to keep Harry safe.

"_So you've been keeping him alive to die at the proper moment? Raising him like a pig for slaughter?"_

What could he do? Severus thought miserably. Harry was going to die. Harry was going to die by the end of this…he wouldn't survive the war. The only way the Dark Lord could die was if he took Harry with him. Still, couldn't Severus do whatever he could to prolong the boy's life?

"_What have you _done_? Pushing me into pursuing the boy only to tell me that he has to die? Am I meant to lose every person I love, Albus?"_

He hadn't had nearly enough time with Harry. He had spent too much of what time they did have pushing him away or fighting or something else. It was always something…Never willing to fully give himself over to his younger lover, too guarded of his heart…To terrified of what losing him would do to Severus. At this moment he regretted it all and wished with all of his heart he had made the most of every last second he had ever experienced with Harry.

"_I have your word that you will do all in your power to protect the students of Hogwarts?"_

Everything in his heart and mind and body and soul screamed out for him to follow…to protect Harry at all costs. It took every last strength he possessed to pull his broom away and speed off, following the Avery siblings and the Lestrange brothers after another decoy Harry. He had sworn to Albus he would play his part, that he would keep his position safe so that he could take care of Hogwarts and its students. This war had to end…for everyone's sakes. Severus knew the world could not continue in such a manner and knew that Harry himself would gladly die to put an end to it.

But that didn't have to be tonight, Severus reminded himself. Harry would have a little more time he said over and over again as his heart raced and his mind seemed to spin and his stomach lurched painfully within him. He wasn't sure how he was even staying steady on his broom or how he held his wand so calmly, but somehow he was…somehow his posture did not betray the attack of absolute terror and agony that tore through him. He had to get through this…had to keep his mission at the forefront of his mind. Some things were more important than the matter of life or death, he tried to remind himself.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

It had been a…very interesting night for Harry Potter, to say the least. His goodbye to the Dursleys was awkward, yet more pleasant than anticipated. Hermione, Sirius, Fred, George, Mundungus Fletcher, and Angelina Johnson posed as Harry using Polyjuice potion and were paired up with other members of the Order: Mad Eye, Lupin, Tonks, Shackelbolt, Mr. Weasley, and Bill. Harry had been put into a sidecar on Sirius's old motorbike and almost as soon as they left Number Four Privet Drive, they were surrounded by Death Eaters. Harry would have liked to look for Severus, but was too busy warding off the constant stream of curses and hexes shot his way to pay much attention. Sadly, going easy on Stan Shunpike caused the Death Eaters to recognize him and Voldemort had come after him and…

He and Hagrid ended up crashed landed in front of their destination, the Tonks household. Andromeda and Ted Tonks ushered them in and led them to the Portkey where Harry stood, clutching Hedwig's cage anxiously. He had nearly lost her. For a moment he had thought a Killing Curse had actually hit her, but she was alive…Shortly after her _cage_ had nearly fallen and he had just barely caught her. He was reluctant to let anyone take her away right now…

_Had_ he lost anyone he cared about? He knew Hedwig was okay…Hagrid was okay…But who else? Harry had seen glimpses of the others, but it had been too dark and too much had been going on…too much movement, too many spells, too many attacks on himself to pay much attention. Had anyone died? Was anyone critically injured? Who else had died because of him? What of Draco and Severus? Had they been present? Were they alive and well? They were, perhaps, the two Harry was most worried about…traitors still living right under the nose of Voldemort…the two it would be harder to get any information on…

A jerk in his navel brought Harry back to the present, only catching a glimpse at Mr. and Mrs. Tonks before he and Hagrid were pulled away, spinning into nothingness, fingers glued to the portkey. Seconds later his feet slammed hard into the ground in front of the Burrow and he fell to his hands and knees, greeted almost immediately by screams. Hagrid and Harry struggled to their feet and Harry swayed slightly and watched as Mrs. Weasley and Ginny ran out of the back door to them.

"Harry? You are the real Harry? What happened? Where are the others?" cried Mrs. Weasley.

"What d'you mean? Isn't anyone else back?" Harry panted. By the look on Mrs. Weasley's face, Harry figured not. His stomach dropped at the thought and he swallowed hard before explaining what had happened…how the Death Eaters had known they were there and had shown up almost as soon as they had taken off. He felt badly he couldn't give her more information…He honestly had no idea what had happened to the others, only knowing that a lot of spells had been cast and that he and Hagrid and Hedwig were lucky to have made it out alive, especially with Voldemort tailing them right at the end.

"Oh thank goodness you're alright!" Mrs. Weasley said, pulling him into a tight hug. It only proceeded to make him feel guilty…He was the reason her entire family was in danger in the first place! "You're a son to me, you know that, Harry?" she whispered, kissing the top of his head. "No matter what, know you always have a family in us Harry…We love you so much…Oh I'm just so happy you made it safely…"

"I…Th…I know, Mrs. Weasley," Harry said uncertainly, deeply touched by her words, and at the same time feeling that guilt drive into him deeper.

"Haven't go' any brandy, have yeh, Molly?" Hagrid asked. "For medicinal purposes?"

Mrs. Weasley hurried back into the house instead of summoning it, probably to compose herself a bit. Harry then turned to Ginny, hoping for information, and was glad he didn't even have to ask. Ginny walked closer and immediately began talking. "Sirius and Tonks should have been back first, but they missed their Portkey. It came back without them," she said, pointing ot a rusty oil can lying on the ground nearby. "And that one should have been Dad and Fred, second. You and Hagrid were third. And if they made it, George and Lupin ought to be back in about a minute."

Ginny spoke calmly as possible and seemed to be faring a bit better than her mother, but Harry could still tell she was a bit scared and shaken up. Reaching out, Harry pulled her close and gave her a comforting hug. Mrs. Weasley walked back out and offered them a strained smile before handing Hagrid the brandy. Harry took some small comfort in the few moments of silence and peace following their crazy night, all too soon disrupted by Ginny's exclamation of, "Mum! Look!" and pulling away from Harry to watch as Lupin appeared with George.

Something was wrong. Lupin was holding George steady and George was incredibly pale and the entire side of his face was red and covered in blood. Ginny gasped sharply and Mrs. Weasley seemed to choke on a half sob, half scream. Harry ran out and grabbed George's legs and helped Lupin carry him into the living room, laying him on the couch. "Merlin," Ginny gasped immediately and Harry quickly looked up to George's face, eyes growing wide. His _ear_ was missing! Before he could ask much, Lupin was dragging him into the kitchen where Hagrid was struggling to fit his body through the door, demanding questions to see if he really was Harry. Lupin seemed anxious, almost furious, in his actions and it was enough to shock and almost scare him. Lupin announced that they had been betrayed and Harry had been forced to relay the events of the night, hating the way he was reprimanded for being _too kind_ to Stan Shunpike…Part of him knew Lupin was right, but at the same time he didn't think that even now he could have brought himself to do anything truly damaging to Stan Shunpike if faced with him…It didn't seem right to really go to such lengths…

Through his embarrassment and feeling thoroughly idiotic by Lupin's fussing, Harry said firmly: "I won't blast people out of my way just because they're there. That's Voldemort's job."

Several seconds later the door burst open and in walked Kingsley with Hermione. Lupin and Kingsley questioned each other while Hermione flung herself into Harry's arms and Harry held her tightly, certain he was happier to see her alive and well than anyone else. He kissed the top of her head and they just clung to each other, listening to the conversation around them. Kingsley was furious as Lupin over the betrayal and Kingsley explained what he and Hermione had been through…Followed by six different Death Eaters, killing one and injuring two and managing to lose the other three. Lupin made a comment about Harry behaving "too kindly" to Stan Shunpike that made his jaw clench and a bout of annoyance to rise up in him, but Hermione gave him a little squeeze and kissed his shoulder and Harry at least made himself relax a bit. Lupin went on to explain about George's missing ear and mentioning that it was Snape's work-

"Snape? You didn't tell me that!" Harry said, heart thudding quickly in his chest. _Severus_ had done that? Harry swallowed hard and told himself it must have been an accident…He was happier to believe the good rather than the bad and honestly he did not need to worry himself even more than he already did on whether or not he really and truly should trust Severus. Most days he did…his love for the man made it hard to truly, fully doubt him…but there were those days he couldn't help but wonder…

Severus was a good man, Harry reminded himself. He had a bad past and was even doing some questionable things these days…but it was all for the greater good. No matter his doubts…It had to be true. _He's the reason your parents are dead, Harry. He killed Albus Dumbledore_ those voices in his head sounded off. He was with the Death Eaters now. _He had cursed off George's ear_! Some small voice in his mind was begging him to be realistic, but it was hard…even those doubts and those strong bits of evidence against the man, Harry couldn't do it. He couldn't hate Severus. He was angry with him, yes…and even then, Harry wasn't sure if he was angrier at Severus or at their situation.

Ten minutes later found everyone sitting crowded in the living room of the Burrow. George was no longer losing so much blood and he and Fred were joking around. Mrs. Weasley alternated between laughing and sobbing hysterically while her husband did his best to calm her. Ginny sat on the floor by the couch and laid her head against it by her brother and after many failed attempts at cheering Ginny up and the threat of a Bat Bogey Hex, George and Fred stuck with ear jokes and picking on one another. Percy stood not too far from the rest of his family with his fiancée, Penelope Clearwater, on his arm, looking disturbed by all of the joking and stricken by all he had heard had taken place.

Mad Eye was suffering a bit of shock and had sustained a really nasty cut to his stomach from Sectumsempra and had been put through the Cruciatus Curse many times, but he sat up straight in a chair, speaking roughly with the Order members and shouted threats at Mundungus Fletcher every few minutes. Sirius, Lupin, Kingsley, Tonks, Angelina, and Bill all sat around him, putting their own minds into the discussion about what could have happened, putting the suspicion on one another several times and even escalating into near arguments before Bill silently offered a reminder to his upset family and the group would settle again.

In one corner of the room, Hagrid seemed to be half asleep and still drinking his brandy.

With all of the seats in the room occupied, Harry and Hermione sat on the floor by the wall, just taking it all in. Hermione was clutching his arm, her head resting on his shoulder and he had leaned his head on top of hers.

They said nothing, though both could feel that a long discussion was inevitable. For now, though, they seemed unwilling to leave behind their loved ones, even if they were sitting off all by themselves. They needed to stick around…to see what the Order came up with…to make sure George really was okay…to make sure Mrs. Weasley calmed herself down…

He had nearly died tonight, he mused to himself. Voldemort wanted him there…and he had been so close. They were all damned lucky to be alive! There had been so many Death Eaters…so many of them. George had lost an ear and Mad Eye had been injured and Angelina was sporting a broken arm, but no one seemed to be suffering much more than anger over the betrayal and shock of all that had taken place. In the moment…fighting that way…everything had seemed so real. So natural. _This was war_. That feeling had come and gone many times…Being aware of how deadly the times were these days and _truly_ knowing it were very different things. Now, more than ever, though, he realized just how awful this situation really was. Voldemort really was back and he really was gaining more and more power. He really wanted Harry dead. And people _really could_ get hurt. Harry hated this feeling…It was heavy…a burden deep on his soul that he couldn't quite rid himself of.

He felt responsible…for everything. Every person Voldemort tortured or killed…It was all his fault. He was the one Voldemort wanted…He was the one who was responsible…the one who had to kill him…and he hadn't even done it yet. Wouldn't even start for another week or so…He at least had to wait until after his birthday so that the Trace was taken off of him and he wouldn't have to worry much about the Ministry of Magic being on his case. And Hermione had talked him into staying for Percy and Penelope's wedding which was the very next day.

Harry _couldn't_ do anything right now and he hated that more than anything. He wanted to find those Horcruxes now and be done with it before anything else could happen. Before anyone suffered more damaging injuries…before anyone he loved died. Anyone _else_ he loved, that was.

"_You're a son to me, you know that, Harry?" _Mrs.. Weasley had said. "_No matter what, know you always have a family in us Harry."_

This was his family. And he had to protect them.

He felt so useless! Not even seventeen yet…he couldn't do anything. And every day he sat around waiting to turn seventeen was another day Voldemort had to gain more power and do more damage to this world he loved so much…

From her place by the couch, Ginny turned and slowly crawled across the floor over to them and curled up on the other side of Harry. "If I hear one more joke, I swear to Merlin," Ginny muttered, burying her face into his neck and clung to his arm in the same manner Hermione was. He could feel her breath hot on his neck, slow and deliberate, calming herself down and he frowned when he felt her hot tears on his skin.

She was his family. _This_ was his family, blood or not. And Ron was dead. And Bill was suffering the affects of Greyback's bite. And George was missing an ear. What else had to happen to this wonderful family because of him? His jaw tightened and trembled slightly. This wouldn't stop until this war ended once and for all and it made Harry so angry…So furious that he was stuck here, completely useless, for another few days. He was going to go mad! He and Hermione were going to _have_ to start planning their hunt soon…Harry could not sit around and not even figure out what he was going to do.

"Harry?" Ginny said quietly after a few minutes of silence between the three.

"Mhm?"

"Don't do anything stupid, okay?"

Harry just laughed.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **So this chapter didn't turn out quite as I had hoped, but this last part of the story will be tricky. Considering how much I intend to stick with certain things and not wanting to feel like I'm doing nothing but copying the damned book and adding a few things here and there…some of the bits in the book that aren't super important to actually write out will be in basic summary form like this. I probably need to do some more revising to the story because I don't want the next 30 or so chapters to be the same way lol. Anyway, it may not be a lot plot-wise, but I wanted a good look into where Harry and Severus are at this point in time and things should start picking up within the next few chapters. I hope everyone enjoyed it.

Big thanks to my reviewers: Anniriel, vampirexsama, SexciiLexi, xXxElectraxXx, Serpent91, da-blk-saiyangirl, and Mia Tun! Reviews mean so, so much to me and I really do appreciate the people who take time to leave a comment!

Good news is is that I don't have to work for another week so I should HOPEFULLY get a good bit done before I have to go back to work next Saturday.

Chapter title lyrics from "100 Suns" by 30 Seconds to Mars.


	65. Promise Me You'll Never Feel Afraid

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Promise Me You'll Never Feel Afraid_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The Dark Lord was furious.

The Death Eaters all sat around the long dining table in Malfoy Manor, eyes downcast and bodies tense in fear as their lord's red eyes trailed over them. Harry Potter had escaped…Harry Potter was _alive_. Severus could not believe his good fortune and had to use a lot of self restraint to keep his relief and pleasure from his face. He shouldn't be feeling such things when the Dark Lord was in such a dangerous mood…it would be right stupid to let anything like that be noticed.

"Harry Potter…so close to my grasp…yet he escaped death…yet again," the Dark Lord said, voice quiet but deadly…a promise of pain and horror. "Severus…"

Severus straightened, body tightening a bit in awful anticipation. He heard a few noises that could have been the start of snickers quickly twisted into coughs or hiccups or gasps or other things to keep themselves from outright laughing. He felt those cold fingers trail along his back before falling away as the Dark Lord walked around the table, keeping close to the backs of their chairs, making it difficult for anyone to find any calmness or relaxation.

"I was not aware that there would be _seven Harry Potters_ tonight," the Dark Lord said.

Severus swallowed hard. He had delivered more information than anyone here, and yet one small mistake…not knowing _one thing_…"Neither did I, my lord."

The Dark Lord looked as though he might say more, but his eyes snapped up and away from Severus, looking down the table. "Yes, you smirk, Bertram, and yet I do not recall you presenting me with any useful information. Severus, at least, brought me closer to Harry Potter. You? What did you give me? Where would we have been had we followed your lead?"

Bertram Yaxley flushed deeply and Severus thought he noticed the other man tremble slightly. Only seconds later his body was jerking horribly and he screamed loudly as the Dark Lord's whispered "_Crucio_" hit him. Azrael Avery and Amycus Carrow both scooted their chairs aside as Bertram fell out of his seat, writhing on the floor in pain for several long seconds as the Dark Lord help up his wand. For a moment, Severus wondered if he would ever stop it, and eventually he did relent. Bertram gasped loudly and grasped the sides of the table, struggling to pull himself back into his seat. No one smirked. No one laughed.

Severus appeared to have fallen upon some luck…the Dark Lord didn't see it fit to punish him, as well. "No matter," the Dark Lord said instead, sitting at his place at the head of the table. "Harry Potter will be mine before long…Until then, how is the Ministry coming along?"

Bertram Yaxley, eager to redeem himself, launched into explanations of his success in putting another department Head under the Imperius Curse, Seraphina Myles from the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. Severus had a feeling he knew that name and it took a few seconds for him to remember that was the same of Septima's sister's, Octavia Vector's, lover. They were the women Severus had been working on a potion for…a potion to allow two women to conceive together. He had no idea she was such a high ranking official within the Ministry, to be the Head of a department…Severus vaguely wondered if the Ministry workers knew of her sexual preferences. Somehow Severus didn't think Seraphina would have gotten such a position if anyone had known beforehand. That didn't matter much now…not when the woman was under the Imperius Curse. He couldn't help but also wonder if the Imperius Curse was affecting anything other than her work life…if Octavia noticed anything…if Octavia would notice enough to be able to do something about it. Surely two people so close would notice something of such a nature and would be able to do _something_ to fix it. Any way that the Dark Lord's plans could be harmed would be good.

Bertram was also working on getting a few others, so that they would be able to kill the Minister of Magic before long…The Dark Lord was, it seemed, pleased to remind him that he had had _high hopes_ of the Ministry having fallen before tonight.

"…I should have Garvin Grey by tomorrow…" Bertram was explaining hastily, going over how easy it would be to get more people now that he already had a few under his thumb. It shouldn't be more than a few days before they could finally kill Rufus Scrimgeour. He also made a few points as to why he should be present when said event happened and entered into an argument with Rodolphus Lestrange as to why _he_ couldn't be there.

"What would be the point of Imperiusing various department heads to stage a coup if our kind will be there to perform the deeds?" the Dark Lord inquired.

"It would be good for me to be present to keep a better hold over the Imperius," Bertram explained. "It wouldn't hurt to have someone there to keep an eye over things…Make sure they stay in line and make sure no one tries to stop them and such matters…my lord."

"Yes…You do make a valid point," the Dark Lord said with a smirk. "However, I am not convinced you are the man for the job."

Bertram paled and his eyes widened a bit, clearly displeased and a bit scared, even. This had been his project for weeks and he wasn't even being granted the honor of being there for the overtaking of the Ministry of Magic? Severus glanced around the table, unsurprised to find the wondering eyes of the others, all wondering who it was that would be granted the honor. Severus didn't understand why he didn't just give Bertram the job…The man had been working on it for much longer and would probably fall into the role much easier than anyone else.

"Perhaps Lucius…Augustus…Walden, even…All know the ins and outs of the Ministry better than most," the Dark Lord suggested.

"They were all in Azkaban not long ago," Bertram pointed out, struggling to keep his voice even and do nothing to upset his master.

"We have Polyjuice Potion, thanks to Severus," the Dark Lord said. "Ahh yes…Why didn't I suggest it…Severus! The man who fooled Albus Dumbledore right to his death. He would do well, would he not?"

"You are…wise, as always, my lord," Bertram said. "But…I believe that since I have spent a great deal of time working on this…Perhaps I would better be able to work my way around the mission. I Imperiused them and I have spent a great deal of time at the Ministry. While I do not doubt they would all do just fine, you should have only the best fulfill this duty, my lord, and…I believe…I am the best choice for this."

"You have done a great deal, Bertram," the Dark Lord admitted. "However, you have been slacking with this particular assignment. I will consider the request, I believe."

"I…Thank you, my lord," Bertram said, looking as though he would have liked to say more, but decided against it. The Dark Lord seemed to notice this, for his smirk widened.

On the bright side, the Dark Lord at least seemed more focused on overtaking the Ministry instead of Harry for now, but it was hardly good news. The Dark Lord didn't need any more power than he already had. There was no stopping it, no matter how much he wanted to…Even if he did contact the Order with information or tried to stop the actions from the inside, what could he actually accomplish? He had to keep his position at all costs. He had to protect Hogwarts and its students. It wasn't like anyone else could stop the Dark Lord…It had to be Harry.

"We should prolong his death a short time, I believe," the Dark Lord was saying. "Attempt to…_convince_ our dear Minister to give us what details he can of Harry Potter, hmm? I'm sure a few Cruciatuses down the line and he should be more than willing to let a few details _slip_."

The others sniggered in agreement and Bellatrix resumed kissing up to her lord and practically begging for the opportunity to be there with the others, to show them a thing or two about torture. Severus frowned in the meantime and casually glanced around, letting his eyes linger over Draco who caught his gaze and swallowed hard, the fear and worry clear in his silver gaze. Severus gave him a small nod and focused on the conversation. Severus doubted Rufus Scrimgeour knew much about Harry, but there was always a chance and it was a chance Severus did not like in the slightest.

Somehow, he was going to have to be part of the group that led Rufus Scrimgeour to his execution. There was no saving the man, but the least he could do was make sure the man could give them no useful information. While Rufus Scrimgeour at least seemed less cowardly and self-righteous than Cornelius Fudge had been, but Severus still didn't have much faith in the man.

The Dark Lord continued on about his plans for them…Recruit, recruit, recruit seemed to be most of what they were doing while they waited on more substantial plans to follow through, such as Bertram Yaxley's mission to Imperius various high-ranking Ministry officials and getting them to stage a coup to kill the Minister of Magic and take over his position (more than likely it would be Pius Thicknesse to take the role, Bertram said). They made mention of what they would do when they finally had the Ministry in their grasp and what they would do about Hogwarts and other such things, but the most important thing right now seemed to be focusing on actually getting to that point.

The conversations seemed to drone on longer than necessary, repeating and drilling into their heads over and over the things they had been over seemingly a thousand times. Eventually the Dark Lord let them go and Severus lingered about. He knew he couldn't stay forever, but part of him felt badly about walking away so soon, especially knowing what Lucius dared to do under the same roof as his wife and the Dark Lord and other Death Eaters. Their home seemed to open to everyone these days and apparently with more stress upon him, Lucius was taking riskier chances and sadly his son was suffering for it.

Severus had sworn at Draco's birth to do all that he could to protect the young boy, even if it meant protecting him from his own parents.

Draco sought him out instantly and requested a walk through the garden and with small groups still forming in the house to socialize a bit, they left relatively unnoticed, though Severus was well aware of Lucius Malfoy's eyes boring into them as they left.

"Has he-" Severus began.

Draco quickly cut him off. "No and stop asking me about my father," he said sharply and Severus glared at him for his rudeness. Draco sighed heavily. "I'm sorry, but I don't want to talk about it. Anyway, did any of _them_ get hurt? I know he said he trailed the real Harry and he survived, but…we never really discussed what happened to the others."

"One lost an ear," Severus said, frowning as Draco cringed horribly. What would Draco say if he had known Severus had done just that and the ear he cut off had been that of his darling Hermione Granger? Not as though he had meant to, but still…"Other than that, I do not think their side lost anyone…No serious injuries other than that, I don't believe."

"Oh…Good," Draco said, looking immensely relieved. "God, Severus…I don't know how you're dealing with it. This is driving me insane, not knowing how she is! I want more than anything to go see her and…and I don't even know! I just want her to be okay…Shite…and to just be here playing along with all of this and knowing how dangerous it is and always wondering if she's still alive…it's just…Merlin, I don't even know! I can't handle much more of this."

"But you have to," Severus reminded him quietly, heart aching for the pain of his godson and a sharp reminder of his own sufferings. "It is not easy for myself, either. But we must be strong for them…All you can do is focus on the cause and try to let that take over. It's what they would want, you know…For us to help in any way that we can. There is…little point in dwelling over the things we cannot change when we could be putting our efforts into the things we can do."

They walked under the unicorn and dragon and down the stone path that led all the way through the garden and around their maze. Peacocks pranced around the dark gardens and he could hear the quiet sound of the low branches of the willow tree dipping into the water of their pond as the wind blew. The moon was out, big and bright, lighting up the entire backyard in a silvery glow. It might have been mystical and beautiful had the entire night not been tainted by the pain and bloodshed and the horror that filled the once gorgeous and envied ancestral home of the Malfoys.

Draco was quiet for a while, but eventually stopped to sit on a stone bench parked near Narcissa's favorite flowers: lilacs and violets. Severus sat stiffly beside him. "I don't want to do this anymore," Draco said quietly.

"You can't just give up now, Draco. Even if I would allow you to show such cowardice as to worm your way out of this, you have little choice. The Dark Lord will kill you before he let you give up, even if you weren't running off to betray him," Severus said.

"I didn't say I had any intentions of leaving," Draco said irritably. "Am I not allowed to say it aloud? Am I not allowed to have my own feelings and opinions?"

"It does you no good to say them. Having any hope of getting out of this will only proceed to make it that much worse and that much harder to actually fulfill your duties. You must accept your fate as it is now and stop complaining about it," Severus said sharply. "We won't have any freedom until this war ends."

Draco opened his mouth angrily to retort, but Severus held up his finger. He wasn't sure if he saw or heard anything, though he thought he might have…if nothing else, it was a feeling. Someone was nearby and he tensed at the thought of someone overhearing them and mentally berating himself for even speaking of this so close to the others.

"Draco," called the familiar voice of Lucius Malfoy. "Your mother would like a word, if Severus is done with you."

Lucius stepped out into view, his silver eyes hard as he looked at Severus. Severus wasn't sure Lucius had overheard them…if he had, Severus didn't think the sudden coldness Lucius was showing him had anything to do with their conversation. Whatever it was, Severus was not comfortable with it in the slightest.

Draco shot Severus a questioning look as he stood up and nodded his head. "Alright. I think we're done," he said and walked down the path back towards the house. Lucius just stood there, staring at Severus with that same icy look in his gray eyes. He seemed upset about something and Severus did not like it at all. He had a strange feeling he understood what was going through Lucius's mind…being friends with someone for as long as they had did such things. Lucius said nothing, though, and neither did Severus. He made no movements and waited from action on Lucius's end before doing anything.

"You've been spending a great deal of time with Draco lately, Severus," Lucius said.

So he was right, Severus thought bitterly. "He is my godson…I am interested in his life."

"Hmm," Lucius said. "Not too interested, I hope."

"Not as interested as you, Lucius," Severus retorted coldly.

Lucius chuckled darkly. "He wouldn't be the first young boy you've lusted after, would he?"

Severus clenched his fists, an angry warmth spreading through his body. What Lucius was suggesting was horrible and using his relationship with Harry against him in such a way was awful. Severus glared at him dangerously and slowly stood up. "I started having sex with your _son_ when he was…what? Thirteen? Fourteen? Do not stand there and try to lecture me, Lucius, or shove guilt into me when the only person here who deserves to feel any sort of shame is you."

Lucius's eyes flashed. "Draco is my son."

"Exactly," Severus hissed. "He is your son! Your flesh and blood! You should be protecting him and loving him as a _father_ should. And fathers do not use their sons for their pleasure because they are too cowardly to admit who they really are and not willing to take the risk to find it elsewhere."

Lucius paled. "You don't understand…Draco…he…"

"He enjoys himself?" Severus supplied bitterly. "He doesn't say no? What, Lucius? What pathetic excuses are you stupid enough to try to give me?"

Lucius swallowed.

"The only reason I have done nothing to you for such a sinful transgression is because I know it would hurt Draco to do so. What I find particularly interesting and pathetic, though, is that your son loves you far more than you will ever love him," Severus said darkly, moving forward swiftly and purposefully shoving past Lucius. He thought of returning to the gathering, but he felt that in his state of irritation it would be best if he returned home and Disapparated midway down the stone path.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Later that night (or rather, very early the next morning), Harry was laying in his bed at the Burrow, staring up at the dark ceiling. He was tired, but not sleepy…Every bit of him wanted desperately to sink into slumber, but had given up on his attempt to sleep hours ago. His head was still buzzing, thinking of Severus and Draco and Voldemort and the Death Eaters and the Weasleys and everyone he loved and everyone he hated and everything about this war. It was really here…really upon them…and it would not be long before he and Hermione set out to hunt down the remaining Horcruxes.

Harry was thinking hard over what the Horcruxes might be and where on Earth they'd even start trying to look or figure it out when the door creaked open. He glanced up, unsurprised to see Hermione sneaking into his room. She looked exhausted, but strangely wired at the same time. Her hair was tangled and bushier than usual and her brown eyes were wide and bloodshot and heavy bags sat beneath them. She looked rather pale, too, but Harry figured that might just be because of the way the moonlight poured into the room in a pale glow. She was wearing dark pink pajamas and her hand was at her neck, grasping, Harry realized, the necklace Draco had given her for Christmas.

"Oh good, you're awake," she said in relief, walking over and crawling into bed beside him. Harry scooted over to make room for her and turned onto his side to face her and she did the same. "I can't sleep."

"Neither can I," Harry admitted.

"Kingsley attacked Draco, you know. It's all I've been thinking about," Hermione said quietly. "I don't think he would have hurt us, but Kingsley didn't know that. I couldn't even get a good look to see if he was okay. It was just…a brief moment, I saw him. I was so happy to see him, even if it was in the middle of something like that. Crazy, isn't it?"

"I don't think so," Harry assured her quietly, feeling a pang of jealousy that seemed so strange, considering the situation. "I wish I had seen Severus…I wanted to look for him, but I got too caught up in defending myself to really look for him."

Hermione scooted closer and wrapped her arms around him and buried her face into his chest for a moment before pulling back enough to look into his face. Harry moved his own arms around a bit to hold her, as well. It felt good to hold somebody…to have this sort of comfort. She wasn't Severus, but she was his best friend and for now it was all he had and it would be enough. "I'm really scared, Harry."

"Me too."

"I can't lose him…I lost Ron…" Hermione said, voice beginning to crack a bit and Harry frowned when he saw tears fill her chocolate brown eyes. "I loved him…he was my first love and…he died. And now Draco…I love him, too and…and he could die, too. I don't know if I can handle it, Harry, I really don't…And what's worse is not even knowing…Just having to sit here and imagine all of the horrible things that could be happening to them."

"I…'m sure they'll be fine," Harry lied quietly. Honestly, Harry had no idea that they'd be fine and had the same concerns Hermione did. All he could focus on was picturing awful things taking place…Voldemort hurting Severus and Draco. Torturing them or making them do horrible things or killing them or…Who knew.

"Don't say that," Hermione said quietly. She took a deep breath and sighed heavily. "This is so stupid…I can't…_We_ can't do this. We have to…worry about the Horcruxes."

"I know."

"It's just…so hard. This war is so much bigger than us and our love lives…but part of me just wants to worry about Draco and make sure he's okay," Hermione confessed, laughing quietly. "Selfish, I know…I'd never do that. I'd never abandon you and I'd never give up on this…Not even for him. But…I'd like to."

"I know…Me too," Harry admitted, frowning. "Some heroes we make."

Hermione laughed softly and Harry cracked a small smile. He hardly felt humored at all, but it seemed the right thing to do…It seemed to make Hermione feel a little better.

"We just need to remind each other of that," Hermione said after a few moments. "Never let each other wallow in self pity. Alright? We'll…we'll make sure we stay focused on this. Honestly the best way we can protect them is by ending this war once and for all. So if either of us gets too depressed or distracted we will do whatever it takes to bring the other back into the real world. Got it?"

"Got it," Harry said, smiling again. Somehow, Harry didn't think it would be a real problem once they were out there. Now, with little to do, it was easy to obsess over such things. Once they were out and about actually doing something, though, Harry figured it would take a lot to get his mind off of his mission. Harry knew it was important…he understood what it meant…and he had every confidence that once he got to it, nothing would keep him down.

"And I love Mrs. Weasley," Hermione said, pulling Harry's covers up around her, "but she can stick her wand up her arse if she expects me to stay with Ginny. I don't care how improper it is, I'm staying here."

Harry managed a real smile as Hermione snuggled closer and he held her and let himself close his eyes. He never did fall asleep right away, but he was at least able to bask in the comfort his best friend could offer him.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **Another chapter done, woot woot! And over 400 reviews now! Super awesome!

Big thanks to my reviewers: da-blk-saiyangirl, Serpent91, xXxElectraxXx, Mossyrock, vampirexsama, Anniriel, Mia Tun, Sonicgirl582, slytherinfighter2011, SexciiLexi, and aliengirlguy!

To Mossyrock: I actually do like Fleur a lot, but…All I can really say without giving much away is that there is a particular part of the sequel I'm still trying to figure out and I can't really decide what to do with Fleur here until I get that particular part figured out.

To vampirexsama: No, I'm not J.K. Rowling…I wish! The books would have had a very snarry ending :P

Please review!

Chapter title lyrics from "Fiction" by Avenged Sevenfold.


	66. In the End Little He Can Do Alone

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_In the End Little He Can Do Alone_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The days at the Burrow were not as fun and relaxing as Harry might have hoped. Mrs. Weasley kept everyone busy getting the house ready for the wedding. According to Ginny, the moment Percy announced his engagement to Penelope, Mrs. Weasley had bullied them into marrying as soon as possible. Percy would have preferred a long engagement, but with the war looming over their heads and all of the family Penelope had already lost and how much the Weasley family had suffered already, the women were desperate for a happy affair and to expand their own families in a nice way. Of course, things weren't so pleasant right now. They spent their days cleaning and it hardly left Harry any time to make any real plans with Hermione or spend much quality time with the people he cared about before he left.

It was at least busy enough around the house that neither Mr. or Mrs. Weasley noticed Harry and Hermione's new sleeping arrangements, though Ginny seemed to have an idea, considering Hermione wasn't there when she woke up (as the two girls had originally been sharing Ginny's room). Harry was immensely grateful that he didn't have to deal with lectures about how inappropriate it was for an unmarried young man and woman to sleep in the same room, let alone the same bed. Harry sure as hell did not think this was the best time to "come out" to everyone else. Sleeping with Hermione, though, was a great comfort. He found he didn't suffer as many nightmares with someone else beside him. Harry had a feeling it couldn't be just anyone…Hermione was his very best friend. She understood him more than most people and was the greatest comfort he had right now.

Only on Harry's birthday were they caught. He groaned unhappily when he felt someone gently shaking him awake and only Hermione's surprised shriek and her sudden movement into a sitting position shocked Harry awake. He blinked rapidly and quickly grabbed his wand. "What?" he asked immediately, fumbling around for his glasses and shoving them clumsily onto his face, not caring at the moment that they were crooked. He first turned to Hermione who was hugging herself and blushing a bit, staring at someone by the bed. Harry blinked rapidly and turned his eyes to see Sirius Black standing beside the bed, a small smile on his lips and his eyebrow raised.

"Happy Birthday, Harry," Sirius said.

"Erm…thanks," Harry said, scratching the back of his head nervously. He did not like that knowing gleam in his godfather's eyes. "G'mornin'."

"I…I should go get dressed," Hermione stammered, sliding out of bed and quickly leaving the room.

Harry felt uneasy as he shifted in bed, waiting for Sirius to say something, knowing that _something_ was coming from it. He watched warily as Sirius walked over to the door and closed it before returning to sit down on the bed beside him.

"Is there anything going on, Harry?" Sirius asked quietly.

"No, I swear," Harry said quickly. He couldn't help feeling panicky, but he had a bad feeling it wasn't helping his case. "I promise…I wouldn't…She's my best friend!"

Sirius shrugged. "There are things called friends with benefits."

"Well…it's not like that, okay?" Harry said. "She's still upset over Ron dying and Draco's…betrayal." He didn't like saying it like that, as if Draco had really done something wrong. Like Draco really was _one of them_. But it made sense for what Harry was trying to explain and it was what everyone else assumed, anyway.

"Yes…You're both dealing with a lot," Sirius said pointedly, giving him a look that assured Harry that Sirius wasn't buying it. As though the fact that Harry and Hermione were both suffering was enough reason for them to get into each other's pants. "In any case, it isn't wise to be doing such things in Molly Weasley's house."

"I know. I wouldn't do that…Seems a bit disrespectful, to be honest," Harry admitted.

"Yeah, it would be," Sirius said, nodding a bit and seeming to relax. He still seemed suspicious, but seemed to consider the fact that Harry might be telling him the truth. "Though if you ever do find yourself in such a situation…You know all of the proper precautions, right? Spells, potions…condoms, even?

Harry was confused until Sirius said condoms, then he figured he understood what the spells and potions must be for…contraceptives. Harry shifted nervously at the thought. It was so weird…He actually _didn't_ know _anything_ about those sorts of things. He knew that men were supposed to wear a condom to keep from getting a woman pregnant…He even knew some women went on some sort of pill in the Muggle world to prevent pregnancy. They'd never exactly had sex education at Hogwarts, though. Not that Harry really needed it…He had discovered fifth year, after a disastrous date with Cho Chang, that he wasn't attracted to girls and it wasn't like he had to worry about getting anyone pregnant…or rather _getting_ pregnant, in his case. Severus had always taken the more dominant position in bed.

Thinking of Severus was definitely not the thing to do…Imagining sex with Severus while in the room with his godfather? Definitely not good. Sirius wasn't a Legilimens, was he? And even if he was, Harry didn't imagine the man would go probing through his brain. Still, Harry felt oddly self conscious, as though expecting Sirius to read his mind and know exactly what he was thinking and feeling.

"Yeah…Yeah, I got it," Harry said quickly.

"Good," Sirius said, looking even more relieved. "Well then. You know if you ever need anything, I'm here…If you need…_stuff_ or you need to talk, you know where to find me. I'm here for you, Harry. Always."

His tone was so quiet and warm and loving that Harry felt the strongest urge to just tell him already. Maybe not tell him about his relationship with Severus Snape, but at least tell him that he was gay. _No need to worry about me knocking up someone or sleeping with Hermione every night…I'm gay! It's alright._ Somehow, he couldn't quite muster up the courage or find the right words, so he only nodded.

With a smile, Sirius stood up and left the room and Harry quickly got up and got himself ready for the day. When he was done he walked downstairs to find Mrs. Weasley cooking and a pile of presents waiting on the table. Sirius was sitting there keeping her company. The two wished him a happy birthday and Mrs. Weasley told him which gift was from her and Mr. Weasley. Harry unwrapped theirs first, finding himself holding a gold watch with stars circling around the face instead of hands. She explained that it was tradition to give a wizard a watch when he came of age and how it had belonged to her brother Fabian. It was rather old and had a dent in it, but Harry felt immensely touched that Mrs. Weasley was giving him something that had been in her family. It made her words from a few days ago, _"You're a son to me, you know that, Harry?"_ all the more real. No one could really replace his parents, but he knew he had a family in the Weasleys and Harry found himself standing up to hug Mrs. Weasley, trying to put a lot of unsaid things into the embrace…all of his gratefulness and his love and everything else he could not possibly hope to put into words.

Hermione and Ginny bounced downstairs together not long after and Harry was pushed into opening the rest of his gifts. Hermione had gotten him a new Sneakoscope, Bill had gotten him an enchanted razor, Percy and Penelope got him some political book written by a man named Gaston Gruber, the latest products from the Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, a box of some of his favorite sweets from Ginny, and a small, portable radio from Sirius. With all of his gifts unwrapped, Harry sat down and ate breakfast with the family and let Hermione help him bring all of his gifts up to his room when they were done.

"Some of this stuff might actually be useful," Hermione said, dumping what was in her arms onto the bed before climbing onto it and pulling her handbag into her lap. "Do you want to bring any of it?"

Harry nodded his head and put the watch into his pocket before sitting on the bed with Hermione. Some things the twins had given him looked like they might be useful, especially a good bit of Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder. They both remembered how useful it had been for the Death Eaters just a couple of months ago. "Might as well just pack everything…Never know what we might put to good use."

"Hmm…Your right. I'm sure this," Hermione said, wrinkling her nose at the book Percy had given him, "will be good for making a fire if we ever need one." She was apparently no fan of Gaston Gruber. Harry managed a laugh and watched as she stuffed all of his new things into her tiny purse…He had seen her stuffing books and other items in there multiple times, but it still didn't cease to amaze him the sort of things she was carrying around in there.

"Sure we have enough stuff?" he asked teasingly, reaching over to experimentally lift the purse. He barely moved it out of her lap…It wasn't as heavy as he might have expected, but it was still a wonder she seemed to carry the thing with such ease.

"I think so," she replied seriously. "I can't think of much more we need…I'm sure if we find ourselves lacking something we can find _some_ way of getting it, but I think we have everything of the utmost importance."

The fact that in a couple of days they'd be leaving the Burrow to start their hunt for Horcruxes sank in more and more every day…He felt both dread and excitement. He wasn't exactly _happy _at the thought of going out to save the world, but he was eager to go and do it and be done with it so that he could live a happy life and those he cared about would no longer have to be in danger. Voldemort had to be stopped and Harry knew it was up to him…but the pressure of it all was daunting and more often than not Harry wished he didn't have to be the one doing this…wishing he could hang around the Burrow all summer and go back to Hogwarts in the fall and leave this duty upon someone else.

"Any progress on where we should start?" Harry asked after a few minutes while Hermione dug through her bag, seemingly checking on things.

Hermione pursed her lips thoughtfully and lifted her face from the bag. "I honestly don't know…I think our best bet would probably be to try looking where we can while we work on more thought-out theories. I hate to say it, but the whole spontaneity of it might do us some good…Who knows, we could randomly cross something before we actually come up with an answer."

"Unlikely, but it could happen," Harry agreed. Harry didn't think he could sit around here waiting for an answer to come no matter what Hermione wanted to do; he was already growing restless, eager to get out there and get the show on the road. It wasn't an enjoyable task ahead of him, but one that needed to be done, the sooner the better.

"You could always take me with you…You might have better luck then."

Harry and Hermione looked up in surprise at Ginny who was standing in the doorway. She stood with her hands on her hips, tall, and very serious and very confident. Her bright brown eyes shone with determination and defiance, seeming to know well she would be met with opposition and well prepared to fight back. Harry sighed heavily and fell back onto the bed while Hermione frowned.

"Ginny, you know we can't," Hermione said, sounding as though she had said this before.

"I can be helpful," Ginny argued. "You really think you'll be okay, just the two of you?"

"We'll be _fine_, Ginny," Hermione said in exasperation.

"It wouldn't hurt to have someone else along," Ginny said.

"We can't even tell you what it is!" Hermione snapped. "Dumbledore left this for Harry and me to do."

"I'm sure even he wouldn't want you two going at this alone…denying help this way," Ginny said, scoffing. "Look, I'm almost seventeen-"

"Not for another year," Hermione cut in. "You're still underage now and your parents would never let you and we couldn't risk being caught with a runaway."

"You can't risk being caught period," Ginny pointed out. "C'mon…Harry?"

Harry closed his eyes and rubbed his hands over his face, the motion causing his glasses to be pushed off of his head. He did not need to deal with this right now. He loved Ginny like a sister and she was easily one of his closest friends. She _was_ a powerful witch and very talented…But it was bad enough he was letting Hermione come along without putting up a fight. He had tried arguing on occasion, but hadn't really put much into it. He needed her and he knew it…But he wasn't going to let more people risk themselves and necessary and while he knew there would be no stopping Hermione from joining him, he had the whole Weasley clan who would back them up in keeping Ginny safe and sound.

"I have to agree with Mione, Gin…I'm sorry," Harry said quietly, pulling his glasses back over his eyes and sitting up slowly. Ginny glared at them both and moved her arms to fold them over her chest.

"You can't just expect me to stick around here and do nothing," Ginny said dryly.

Hermione shot Harry a look, clearly saying _you deal with her_. Harry chuckled humorlessly and sighed. "Of course not, Ginny…You have your family to protect…friends to take care of. Merlin only knows what things will be like. Talk to Neville and Luna, reinstate the D.A. at Hogwarts and try to work together to do as much as you can while in school. Got it? The best way anyone can help us is by taking care of things around here, you know. It's not going to take that many people to do what we're doing."

Ginny only raised an eyebrow. "You didn't seriously expect me to buy that shite, did you?"

Harry snorted. "It was worth a shot. It _is_ true, though. It wouldn't hurt to try to build some sort of…I dunno…_defense_ within Hogwarts. And I really can't tell you or anyone else what we're doing."

"Yes, well," Ginny said, "see how far you get once Mum finds out."

Harry and Hermione looked at her with wide eyes. Ginny rolled hers. "I'm not going to tattle, but she already suspects something is up and she's going to find out soon enough."

"I love your mum, Ginny, but she won't stop us…no one will. We have to do this, Ginny," Hermione said pleadingly. "I'm really sorry, but…this is just how things have to be."

Ginny nodded stiffly and gave them both a long look before turning around, her bright red hair flying around her as she strode out of the room. Hermione groaned and rubbed her temples. "Somehow, I don't think that's the last we'll hear from her. She's been bothering me about trying to join us and figure out what we're up to for days…She's nearly as antsy as you are."

Harry and Hermione didn't have much time to talk strategy. Both seemed too lost in thought about what they would be facing soon to do much conversation-wise and they were soon interrupted by Penelope walking in and telling them the Minister of Magic was there to see them. It was an interesting meeting, to say the least, of Rufus Scrimgeour reading them the will of Albus Dumbledore…as well as prodding them for information, obviously suspicious of something or another. A tearful Hermione accepted the gifts Dumbledore had left her, his Deluminator and a book called _The Tales of Beedle the Bard_ and Harry was given the Snitch he had caught at his first Quidditch match. He had, apparently, also been left the Sword of Gryffindor, but it was apparently _not Dumbledore's to give away_.

With the wedding the next day, both Mrs. Weasley and Penelope were anxious about things, but most of the preparation seemed to be done. Harry was able to enjoy most of his day, though he did spend a good deal of time recounting the visit with Scrimgeour and passing around the objects Dumbledore had left and disappointed he hadn't been allowed to keep the Sword. After a while he was happy to play a little bit of Quidditch just outside with Ginny, Bill, Charlie, Fred, George, Hermione, and Sirius before they were called in to wash up before dinner.

For Harry's birthday celebration they were eating outside, several tables placed end to end in the garden. Fred and George bewitched several purple lanterns adorned with the number 17 to float above the tables. Hermione used her wand to drape purple and gold streamers along the trees and even turned the leaves on the crabapple tree to turn gold. Charlie even brought a few miniature toy dragons that they charmed gold and let soar around the purple lanterns.

"Hey, this is great," he said with a grin, looking from the decorations to the people all around the table. Sirius, Ginny, Hermione, Fred, George, Bill, Charlie, Percy, Penelope, Hagrid, Tonks, Lupin, Luna, Dean, and Neville had all turned up for the event and more than likely to attend the wedding the following day. Mr. Weasley turned up after a few minutes straight from work and Mrs. Weasley came out of the house not long after holding her wand using it to levitate a large golden Snitch birthday cake out to the table.

"That looks amazing, Mrs. Weasley!" Harry said with a grin.

"Oh, it's nothing, dear," Mrs. Weasley said fondly. "Is this everyone?"

"Looks like it, Mum," Ginny said.

"Good, well, I suppose it's time for dinner, then. Everyone dig in!" Mrs. Weasely said happily, sitting down at the table. Mrs. Weasley and Penelope chattered excitedly about the wedding the following day and Charlie and Hagrid engaged in a lively discussion about dragons. Most people, though, seemed to prefer discussing the goings on at the Ministry of Magic.

"Ginny said Dumbledore left you the Sword of Gryffindor, but the Ministry won't let you have it?" Neville said.

"Mhm," Harry said. "Shouldn't be all that surprised, though…'Specially since I don't go out of my way making their lives easier."

"The Minister probably needs the Sword, you know," Luna said, her voice carrying the same dreamy and thoughtful quality as always. Harry tried not to grin at the groan Hermione gave beside him, already anticipating something ridiculous she wouldn't be able to keep her mouth shut over. "He's building an army of Ranglestins to fight You-Know-Who, but they're very uncontrollable, they are. Only an item of great magic can keep them at bay and I imagine any object belonging to a Hogwarts founder would suffice…Especially considering it's a weapon. He's probably scaring them with it. He wouldn't really need to do so if he could just learn how to talk to them, though. Ranglestins can be very docile creatures if you know how to handle them properly."

"They are not real," Hermione was muttering under her breath so that only Harry could hear. "How on earth you come up with this stuff, I will never understand, because it is the most ridiculous lie I have heard in my life!"

"Erm…That's…something," Neville was saying to Luna, though even after more than a year spent as the girl's friend, no one really seemed how to deal with her craziness. Only Ginny laughed and seemed interested in any of it.

"If anything she says turns out real, Hermione, I _will_ laugh in your face," Ginny warned teasingly, as she had a habit of doing every time Hermione got worked up over Luna's loony fairy tales.

After dinner was done, there was a lively chorus of "Happy Birthday" (in which Fred and George competed over who could carry notes longer and who could sing the loudest while Luna created her own words and Ginny and Tonks performed a very hilarious dance). They cut into the Snitch cake which was, by far, the best cake Harry could remember tasting and was especially good with butterbeer.

When the food was done, Mrs. Weasley went about setting up the sleeping arrangements to suit all of their new guests who would be staying for the wedding. Harry ended up sharing a room with Sirius and Neville with no hopes of Hermione coming in to stay with him. As Harry lay listening to their snores, he couldn't help feeling as though even if she were here, it wouldn't help him sleep much. He was wide awake and staring at the ceiling, feeling very anxious about tomorrow. It was Percy and Penelope's wedding, sure, but it was also his last day at the Burrow…He and Hermione would either be leaving right after or the very next day. The time was creeping up on him, leaving him feeling sick with anticipation.

All he could do was imagine their success…Picturing how easy it could be to find these objects (just blurred masses in his mind, as he couldn't even begin to comprehend what sort of artifacts they might be) and destroy them and sending a powerful killing curse at Voldemort. It never took long in his daydreaming and everyone he cared about came out alive and whole.

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**Author's Note:** Not much going on and I know it's going kind of slow, but necessary things need to be covered before launching into all of the juicy stuff lol! Anyway, I can guarantee the next chapter should have more action and such in it!

Huge thanks to my reviewers who make this all possible! I seriously owe you guys for giving me the encouragement I need to keep this story going! With no readers, this whole thing would be pointless and I love this story so much and I'm glad others love it so much too! Thanks to: slytherinfighter2011, Serpent91, xXxElectraxXx, Anniriel, da-blk-saiyangirl, Sonicgirl582, Kaiya Sumeragi, vampirexsama, aliengirlguy, and vampluv78!

To da-blk-saiyangirl: I'm glad you're liking it lol. I'm hoping I should have a bit more of that side of things in this part of the story, because it makes me feel like I'm not totally copying DH completely lol. Most of Harry-parts will probably make me feel crappy considering the sheer amount of summary paragraphs I do for the things that are basically the same as in the book and don't really need retyping lol. I can only hope I'm doing Voldemort and the Death Eaters justice lol.

To vampluv78: I'm super glad you're enjoying it so much! And no worries, I tend to update rather frequently lol!

Chapter title lyrics from "Amaranth" by Nightwish.


	67. Put On Your Face and Let's Pretend

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Put on Your Face and Let's Pretend_

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Severus wasn't sure what to expect when he felt his Dark Mark burning, but it certainly wasn't to find the Death Eaters gathered in the Malfoy Manor ballroom around Rufus Scrimgeour. The plans involving the Minister of Magic had been changing frequently, but Severus had not been aware they had landed on an official plan, let alone being close to executing it. He said nothing of it, though, and moved among the circle around the Minister of Magic, standing between the Malfoys and the Averys.

The ballroom was one of Narcissa's favorite rooms and Severus could tell she was displeased by its current use. Curtains were drawn over the tall windows and once the last Death Eater arrived and the double doors shut, the room was incredibly stuffy and dark. Only light from the scones on the walls gave any sort of dim lighting. They were normally used to set a more romantic mood to the place, but now it only proceeded to create a more dramatic and eerie atmosphere. Several seconds later the candles from the chandelier overhead were lit, offering a little bit more light to the room. The only sounds heard were that of those daring enough to whisper quietly to one another and the light rustling of robes. Severus's dark eyes looked around, in search of the Dark Lord. Upon the realization that he wasn't yet present, he turned his eyes to the floor where Rufus Scrimgeour lay.

The man was unconscious and laying on his back for all to have a clear view of him. His graying brown hair was tangled and wild all around his deathly pale face. His clothes were wrinkled and rumpled and he noticed traces of blood staining the front of his shirt and pants. There was a deep gash in the side of his face and light smears of blood on his face and neck that looked to have been hastily wiped away. His wrists and ankles were encircled by glowing red magical bonds that were holding him to the floor…They seemed weak, though, and Severus didn't doubt that many people in this room could have easily gotten out of them if they tried. Severus had a feeling that was the point, though he wasn't sure why.

The hushed whispers rose in volume a bit after several minutes passed and the strange need to be still and silent had left them and everyone was moving and whispering in urgent anticipation. Severus remained still, only turning to examine the people who surrounded him. Lucius was standing tall and stiff, as though it bothered him to be so close to Severus, even with Narcissa and Draco between them. Narcissa looked downright miserable, frowning deeply while her icy blue eyes were wide and bloodshot, staring around her beautiful ballroom. Only Draco seemed unbothered by anything, which surprised Severus…Only the now and then twitch of his hand or in his face giving him away for his true nervousness. Draco was getting much better at this game, Severus had to admit, and he felt a strong sense of pride for his godson. Whinging about matters wasn't helping anything, and Draco finally seemed to understand that he had to slide into his role easily to survive this war and actually be of any aid to Harry and Hermione.

The only thing more interesting than his godson's new demeanor were the group of Ministry officials across the circle from him. He recognized them easily by their Ministry official robes. He recognized Pius Thicknesse, with his black and silver hair and beard and overhanging forehead. Being the only female, he assumed the lovely young woman (who looked to be in her early thirties) with long, dark blond curls and gray-green eyes was Seraphina Myles. The only other person he knew was the middle aged man to Seraphina's right, a very short man with tan skin and shockingly white hair and very pale gray eyes, to be Garvin Grey. There were a handful of others all around them that Severus didn't know. Unlike the others, their attention remained on Rufus, completely still and silent.

They remained that way for several long minutes and everyone was growing restless. Narcissa and Lucius began murmuring quietly to one another and Severus, unfortunately, found his attention captured on the only conversation he could understand, one between Azrael and Abaddon Avery, Oedipus Odell, Alecto Carrow, and Rabastan Lestrange about the slaughtering of the Randallan family last night, Rabastan taking great pleasure in relaying how he had savagely murdered the young children, including hanging the baby by his father's scarf over their door.

It wasn't a conversation he particularly enjoyed hearing, but he had little choice in the matter. After a while he found his attention stolen by the stirring of Rufus Scrimgeour. Draco nudged him and nodded down, apparently not realizing that Severus had already realized. Narcissa gasped quietly as Draco alerted her to the fact, but no one else seemed to really realize it. Severus glanced around again, looking for signs of the Dark Lord. When he saw nothing, again, he frowned and looked down at Scrimgeour as he blinked open his eyes. When he realized where he was, he gasped sharply and moved to sit up. The magical bonds moved with him enough to allow him to sit up, but as he struggled to stand, he found himself incapable of doing so and was pulled back down onto his arse.

Cold, cruel laughter filled the room, shocking everyone into looking around, suddenly alert. "He finally awakens," came the voice of the Dark Lord and everyone, including Severus, looked around to find him. He stepped seemingly out of the darkness on the wall opposite the doors, but Severus figured it had more to do with concealment charms than anything, hoping for a dramatic entrance. Red eyes glittered in excitement. "My most loyal servants, I would like to introduce you to tonight's _guest_. The Minister of Magic _himself_…Rufus Scrimgeour."

"_You_!" hissed Scrimgeour. "What am I doing here?"

"Tsk tsk…" whispered the Dark Lord with a grin. "Such a lacking of manners."

"I don't want to play your games," Scrimgeour snarled, glaring down at his binds and yanking on his arms, furrowing his eyebrows in concentration as he tried to work on freeing himself.

"Oh, no games, Minister," the Dark Lord replied. "But you have little choice in what we shall be doing here." Red eyes took their time looking around the room, unconcerned with Scrimgeour's progress in freeing one hand as he hastily turned to his side to work his magic on the other. "Bellatrix."

Bellatrix was glowing as she stepped forward, dark eyes lit up with pride and pleasure as she lifted her wand towards the Minister of Magic. "_CRUCIO_!" she shrieked.

In her gratitude for being chosen to perform this torture and eager to please, Bellatrix made it a powerful one. Scrimgeour screamed loudly, falling onto his back, slamming his head into the ground while his entire body arched up as the pain tore through him. Bellatrix's grin was wicked.

"Enough," the Dark Lord whispered and immediately Bellatrix let go of the curse, leaving Scrimgeour to lay panting on the floor. "Now, Minister…I believe you, in your seat of great political power, have particular information I wish to have."

"Wish all you want, you will have nothing from me!" Scrimgeour snarled defiantly.

"Severus."

Without batting an eyelash, Severus stepped forward and slid his wand from his robes, aiming it at Scrimgeour. There was no way around it and it was useless to dwell on it. "_Sectumsempra_!" he hissed, slashing his wand towards Scrimgeour, watching blood stain his clothing wherever his wand pointed. Across his chest, his stomach, his legs and back up, a long line of blood appearing diagonally from his forehead, over his nose and reaching halfway across his damaged cheek. Scrimgeour bit his mouth to keep from crying out, but he squirmed and hissed and winced and finally cried out in pain when the cut hit the corner of one eye.

"Of course," the Dark Lord said and Severus hated the way his face and neck burned. How predictable of him, of course, he thought bitterly, to use his own curse. Severus resisted the urge to snap at Bellatrix's gloating look and stepped back into his place in the circle.

"Where is Harry Potter?" the Dark Lord demanded.

"Do your worst," Scrimgeour said, eyes hard and ablaze with fury. To his credit, he didn't stay down. He continued to work on his remaining binds and managed to free his other hand and quickly worked on his ankles.

"Azrael."

Azrael Avery stepped forward eagerly, her bright blue-green eyes glittering in deadly excitement. "_Amissionaeris_!"

Scrimgeour made an awful choking noise, eyes bugging out of his head, hands desperately grasping at his throat for a moment. He couldn't breathe. Arms trembling he hastily tried to focus on removing his remaining binds through the pain and loss of oxygen, though he began trembling more, looking frustrated and panicked.

"Enough," the Dark Lord said again and Azrael looked disappointed as she let the curse drop and stepped back. He studied the now gasping Scrimgeour curiously for a moment before stepping steadily closer to the man who only glared up at him. "Be good to Lord Voldemort, and you can be rewarded, Minister. Failure to assist us, however, can only end in a most painful death."

"Then I guess you're going to have to kill me," Scrimgeour spat.

"Draco," the Dark Lord said.

Severus glanced to his godson whose eyes widened. The boy swallowed hard and gripped his wand firmly before stepping out of the circle, closer to Scrimgeour, a determined look upon his face as he lifted his wand. "_Crucio_!"

Severus half expected it not to work and was immensely surprised as Scrimgeour tensed up and half screamed, half growled out in pain. It wasn't nearly so intense as Bellatrix's attempt, but still more than Severus would expect from the boy. The Dark Lord grinned and Bellatrix's eyes were shining with pride for her nephew. Severus found himself greatly relieved by the success of the curse, as it meant few questions and Draco would not be subjected to any teasing for being unable to properly perform the curse. On the other hand, the fact that Draco was even able to summon that much desire to hurt someone was bothersome. The stricken look in his silver eyes was all the answer Severus needed as Draco returned, though he did his best to keep the rest of his expression in check.

It was a long day in Malfoy Manor, but most seemed to be enjoying themselves. Every single person in the room was granted the chance to do _something_ to Rufus Scrimgeour. Even as the man managed to get his way out of the rest of the magical binds, he was too weak by then to do much. The Dark Lord continued questioning him about the whereabouts of Harry Potter and while Severus doubted Scrimgeour actually knew anything, he couldn't help but feel anxious every time the question was brought up. Scrimgeour never gave in, however. He never denied knowing where Harry was, but if he did know anything, he wasn't saying. Gryffindor through and through, that man. No matter the pain inflicted upon him, he was just as self-sacrificing and defiant as ever. Foolish, Severus thought, but he was a tad grateful for the man's House affiliations. Gryffindors, for the most part, were sickeningly loyal and heroic. He took the pain and never begged for death, though he dared the Dark Lord to do so every time the mention of it was made.

There was popular use of the Cruciatus Curse, though Bellatrix Lestranage performed the curse as though she herself had created it, and thus was given ample opportunity to show off that particular skill. Sectumsempra was also rather popular, though the Dark Lord had to get onto those who got too wild with its usage and punished Amycus Carrow for nearly killing the man before the Dark Lord was ready and had to call upon Severus to heal the wounds to the minimum need be to keep him alive. There were uses of curses Severus hadn't heard or seen in a while…Azrael Avery wasn't the last to use _Amissionaeris_ and Alecto Carrow reminded everyone of an old curse that produced a loud, piercing sound to be heard by the victim, painfully loud and ringing. Unfortunately Alecto became a bit too happy with the curse that Scrimgeour's ears started to bleed and he was temporarily deaf and could no longer hear the Dark Lord's questions, so they merely resorted to other tortures until he could hear enough to hear the same question he had been asked since he woke up. There was a burning curse that gave Scrimgeour a nasty rash and blisters, red as though he had been in the sun unprotected for hours, or even days.

The most creative, Severus thought, had to be (and he was reluctant to praise the man, even in his own thoughts) courtesy of Oedipus Odell. He used the Imperius Curse to force the man into kneeling before the Dark Lord and kissing at his feet, praising the Dark Lord, and even made the man pull out his own hair, scratch his own arms until they bled, and banged his own head into the floor until the Dark Lord finally made him stop.

The torture lasted for hours and Scrimgeour had been rescued from the brink of death more times than Severus could count. By now the man was delirious and positively useless and the Dark Lord glowered down at him and around at them. "No matter. We have better means of discovering what we wish to know. Luckily, I think it will go much better without you," he said, walking right up to where the man lay twitching and whimpering on the floor. "_Avada Kedavra_!"

A flash of green light seemed to blind everyone in the darkness of the room and by the time the bright circles stopped dancing in front of his eyes, he saw that Scrimgeour was laying limply on the floor, eyes blank and staring up at the ceiling. The Dark Lord had his back to him and was facing the group of Ministry officials. "Let us congratulate Pius Thicknesse…Our new Minister for Magic."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The wedding was set to take place in the afternoon. Everyone was busy all morning making last minute changes and checking on all of the arrangements. Penelope was a nervous mess and it took a great deal of time on the parts of Mrs. Weasley, Hermione, Ginny, Luna, and any other female who showed up at the Burrow to calm her down and reassure her that she looked wonderful and that they were so happy for her and that she and Percy were going to have a wonderful life together and make the most beautiful babies and other such nonsense that Harry didn't fully understand. Right before the wedding he was given a Polyjuice Potion with the hair of a red haired boy from the Muggle village nearby that Fred and George had so kindly gathered for him and he would be making his appearance as cousin Barny Weasley.

At around three everyone was waiting outside to welcome the guests and it was eventually time to start the wedding. Hermione sat beside Harry looking troubled, blinking away tears in her brown eyes and muttered something under her breath about Viktor Krum flirting with her. Figuring her mind was on Ron or Draco or both, Harry just patted her knee and turned as the music started. Mr. Weasley was chosen to walk Penelope down the aisle, since her own father had been killed some months prior and was unable to do so. Percy was beaming as he looked down at his bride and Harry swore Penelope had to be the only person to ever (and would ever) give Percy such a loving, soft glance and such a bright, happy smile. Her dress was very plain and modest, but it seemed just the sort of thing that fit them both very well.

"Do you Percy Ignatius take Penelope Eleanor…?"

The ceremony was very boring, as most weddings were, but as a magical wedding, Harry found himself interested in some of the particular differences in the vows and traditions and other such things. Still, he found his attention elsewhere at some points and was snapped out of dozing off as Hermione nudged him and the officiant concluded with, "…then I declare you bonded for life."

Mrs. Weasley was crying…Penelope's face was wet with her own tears…even Hermione was dabbing her face a bit. The small wizard officiating the ceremony waved his wand high over their heads and a shower of silver stars fell all around Percy and Penelope as they kissed.

"Ladies and gentlemen," said the wizard, "if you would pl-"

There were a few shrieks of surprise and loud gasps and everyone turned to see something large and silver fell into the middle of the aisle Penelope and Mr. Weasley had walked down not long ago. The silver lynx opened its mouth wide, speaking in the loud and deep voice of Kingsley Shackelbolt.

"_The Ministry has fallen. Scrimgeour is dead. They are coming_."

Almost immediately Harry and Hermione jumped to their feet, drawing their wands. Other members of the Order stood around them, as well, including Sirius and Lupin nearby them. It seemed to be taking everyone else a bit longer to figure out what was happening. After several long seconds people began scrambling up and a few began to scream. Harry raised his wand and was surprised when he felt Hermione grab his arm tightly and felt that uncomfortable pull of Apparation.

Harry blinked rapidly when they stopped, for a moment thinking they hadn't even left…They were still surrounded by lots of people, and it took a minute to realize that they were somewhere in the Muggle world. Harry stumbled into Hermione as someone shoved rudely past him and he turned to look at his friend as Hermione tugged him along. "Where are we?"

"Tottenham Court Road," panted Hermione. "Walk, just…Oh wait, here!"

Hermione tugged him to the right towards a dark alleyway and began digging through the little handbag she had been carrying around with her since arriving to the Burrow, the one with all of their things packed away in it. She muttered curse words under her breath as she dug around, finally pulling out some jeans and a sweater and handed them to Harry before continuing to dig around and finally pulled out the silver Invisibility Cloak and handed it to him, as well.

"The others," Harry said, starting to get over his shock. "Everyone at the wedding-"

"Most of the Order is there," Hermione pointed out. "Besides, it's you they want. They'd be in _more_ danger if you _were_ there. Just get dressed, quickly!"

Harry did as she said and hastily removed his own clothes and pulled on the ones she chose for him. He wasn't sure why he needed to change if he had the Cloak, but he figured it was probably precautionary and just followed the instructions. Once he pulled on the Cloak, Hermione led the way out of the alleyway and back out onto the street. "Where are we gonna go?" Harry asked Hermione, not caring to be quiet. While he couldn't be seen, Harry didn't think they'd be listening for him even if they did show up. Besides, he wanted to figure out what was going on.

"Shh," Hermione said anyway and Harry couldn't help but to be irritated. What the bloody hell were they going to do if they couldn't even communicate. He kept his mouth shut, though, just in case Hermione was onto something, if she had seen anything or had good reason for telling him to shush. Her brown eyes looked up and down and back and forth at the buildings they passed by.

A group of drunken men on the other side of the pavement were dancing around and singing and Hermione growled and glared at them. "Oh I wish they'd shut up. I can barely think."

"All right, darling?" called out one of the drunken men. "Fancy a drink?"

Harry glared at the men, though they couldn't see him. "Let's sit down somewhere," Hermione said hastily and glanced around again. "Look, here! This will do!"

It was a small, shabby all-night café. The table they sat at was a bit greasy and parts of the booth seats were ripped up with holes and stuffing poking through them. Harry sat on one side of the table and Hermione sat on the other, her back to the entrance. She apparently didn't seem very comfortable by the position and kept glancing over her shoulder frequently and had a light twitch. Harry did not like this. He wanted to get up and go back outside…Being stationary was not good, and he at least felt like something was going to come out of things when they were moving, like they might get somewhere and figure something out. Right now he felt useless and anxious.

Feeling the Polyjuice start to wear off, Harry pulled his glasses out of his pocket and slid them back over his eyes. It was right before he changed back completely, making his glasses useless to him for a minute. Everything was strong and blurry and it almost gave him a headache to look out of them. He blinked rapidly and after a few moments the change was complete and Harry could see clearly out of his glasses again. He glanced up at Hermione who was tapping her fingers onto the table, looking lost in thought.

"Erm…You think it would be safe to go to the Leaky Cauldron?" Harry whispered, glancing warily around to make sure no one was near and so no one would think they were hearing voices. "It's only in Charing Cross and I dunno…Not to stay there or anything, but maybe find out what's going on."

"We know what's going on!" Hermione snapped irritably and Harry glared at her. Though she couldn't see him, she did sigh and rub her hand over her face. "Voldemort's taken over the Ministry. Not much more we need to know…I doubt it would be safe. I don't much think anywhere would be safe. No place in the magical world…not now that they have the Ministry under their control. There's Grimmauld Place, but we don't know if Snape had to give it away or not…though Mad Eye did say they put a lot of enchantments on the place to ward against him, so…I don't know, though…I'm not sure we could risk it. There's my parents' place…" Hermione swallowed at the mention of her parents. She had fiddled with their memory before leaving and sent them to Australia as Wendell and Monica Wilkins, forgetting they ever had a daughter. Hermione stayed strong, but he could tell she got emotional every time she thought of her parents. She cleared her throat and continued. "…but they might check there. I really have no idea, Harry."

Hermione's eyes darted to the side quickly and shot a look in Harry's direction that assured him he needed to be quiet. A gum chewing waitress shuffled over and Hermione ordered a cappuccino. A pair of burly workmen entered the café and Hermione and Harry tensed up as the bell over the door rang, but relaxed a bit as they moved to sit in a booth next to theirs.

"I say," Hermione whispered, "we find a quiet place to Disapparate and head for the countryside. Once we're there, we could send a message to the Order."

"Can you do that talking Patornus thing?" Harry asked.

"I've been practicing and I think so," Hermione said.

"Will it get them into trouble?" Harry asked, imagining the Burrow being filled with Death Eaters. What if they overheard the message? What if sending anything at all made things worse for them?

"Hmm…No more trouble than they'll already be in," Hermione said with a frown. "C'mon, let's get going," she said, cringing as she tasted her drink. She pulled her purse into her lap and began digging through it, muttering about finding her money.

The two workmen at the next table made similar movements. "Mione," Harry whispered, mirroring them. A blurred figure ran over to shove Hermione sideways onto her bench and Harry ducked as the force of the Death Eater's spells shattered the tiled wall next to them. "Draco?" he heard Hermione exclaim in surprise, but didn't have time to think about it. Harry, still invisible, aimed his wand and yelled, "_Stupefy_!"

The great blond Death Eater was hit by a jet of red light in the face and slumped sideways, unconscious. "Draco, what are you-?" demanded the other Death Eater as Draco Malfoy sat up and pulled out his own wand. Draco sent a Stunning Spell towards him, but it missed and Harry slid out of the booth to allow himself more room to move. The spell Draco sent rebounded on the window and hit the waitress, who had begun screaming and running towards the door.

"_Expulso_!" the Death Eater cried and at the same time, from out of sight, Hermione called out, "_Petrificus Totalus_!" and the Death Eater fell forward like a statue, landing with a crunching thud onto the table he had just blown up. Hermione crawled out from underneath the bench, shaking bits of glass out of her hair while Harry looked around, making sure the Death Eaters were truly unconscious before turning to his two friends, finally registering that Draco was there. "Hi," he said in confusion.

"Hey yourself," Draco said, grimacing as he prodded the nearest Death Eater with his toe. "Antonin Dolohov and Thorfinn Rowle."

"Nice," Hermione said. "What are you doing here? How did they find us? Wh…?"

"Let's get this cleaned up, then I'll explain everything," Draco said, glancing uneasily up at the windows of the café. "Turn out the lights and don't say anything about any of _this_ until we're done."

Hermione hastily pulled out the Deluminator that Dumbledore had left her and put out the lights, only the streetlamps outside lighting them. "Memory Charms?" Hermione asked.

"I think that'd be best," Draco said. "Can either of you do them?"

"I…I think so," Hermione said.

"Doubt it," Harry said.

"Okay, Hermione you help me with them, Harry…Clean up," Draco said, leaning over Dolohov and pointing his wand at his forehead, staring down intently as he said, "_Obliviate_."

Harry didn't watch them and instead put his wand to use clearing up the broken glass and the broken tables. It wasn't necessarily a great job. The fixed table now had long cracks where the wood had snapped and the glasses all looked particularly fragile, but it was at least clean. When he turned back, Draco and Hermione were looking over the Death Eaters and the waitress, as though checking to make sure they had done a decent job.

"There's a Taboo on the Dark Lord's name," Draco warned them immediately. Hermione gasped sharply, but Harry just looked confused. "Might not want to be saying it anymore."

"A what?" Harry asked.

"Taboo," Hermione said. "A Dark spell which designates a word as a key to revealing the speaker's location."

"It…What?"

"Really, Potter, don't be dense," Draco snapped. "It means that if you say the Dark Lord's name, it will give your location away and they'll be able to find you, wherever you are. He used the Taboo because he knows only you and your most loyal followers would dare use his name. So please, for the love of Merlin, stick with You Know Who or He Who Must Not Be Named or the Dark Lord or _something_, for all I care. Just not…You Know What."

"Right," Harry said, heart thudding in his chest as he looked around at the unconscious Death Eaters. It was going to be a hard habit to break, to not say Voldemort, but he supposed he could try.

"Oh, Harry, I'm so sorry!" Hermione gasped, eyes going wide as she realized she was the one who had said his name.

"It's not your fault, we didn't know," Harry said. "They're it?" he asked Draco. "No one else is going to come?"

"I dunno. Might as well get a move on to be safe," Draco suggested.

"Okay," Harry said, nodding to Hermione who ran back to the table to grab her handbag. "Oh…Are you any good at Occlumency, by any chance?"

"I like to think so," Draco said in confusion. "Aunt Bella and Severus both tried teaching me…I wouldn't risk going back if I thought I couldn't keep this out…"

"Good," Harry said. "Mione and I will be going to Number 12 Grimmauld Place," he said, ignoring Hermione's gasp of shock as she ran over, eyes wide. "I know, I know, Mione, but I think it will be fine." He turned back to Draco. "If anything happens, you'll know where to find us."

"Are…are you sure it's alright to tell me?" Draco said nervously.

"I'd feel better having someone know," Harry admitted, jerking his head towards the door. The three of them moved together and headed back out onto the busy street. "Let Severus know, too?"

"I will," Draco said, eyes flickering around nervously.

"He's alright?" Harry asked as Hermione grabbed their arms and pulled them into a nearby alleyway.

"As can be expected," Draco said. "He's still alive, still the Dark Lord's favorite. They want to put him at Hogwarts as headmaster. So I figure away from the real action he'll be fine and he can do what he can to protect Hogwarts."

"That's great!" Harry said, letting himself grin in his immense relief. _Knowing_ that Severus was alive and well was more than he could have asked for.

"You two should get going," Draco suggested with a frown, looking as though he didn't really want them to go.

"You could come with us, you know," Hermione said, glancing hesitantly at Harry.

They really weren't supposed to let anyone else know of their plans, but if Draco was willing to abandon the Death Eaters for them, Harry would let him know. They _could _use the help and if Draco left, he would need all the aid and protection they could give.

"I…I wish I could," he said miserably, taking her hands in his and pulling her close. They looked at each other so intently that Harry could barely stand to watch them…Like they could hardly get enough of looking at one another. As though the other was the most important thing in their lives and it was killing them to part. "I have to stay, though. I have to make sure my family's alright and…do what I can to help you two…from the inside and all."

"I love you," Hermione whispered, her voice thick.

"I love you, too," Draco whispered before leaning down and kissing her deeply and Hermione threw her arms around his neck. Harry dared a glance at them, feeling sadness and jealousy well up deep inside of him. He wished Severus had come…that he had another chance to see Severus again. His heart ached with sudden longing and he hated himself for it. He should just be glad that Severus was alive and knew how risky a meeting like this could be. He shouldn't want Draco _or_ Severus to be there, when it could very well get them into trouble.

The two pulled apart after a moment and Draco took one last, long look at Hermione before pulling away and glancing at Harry. "You two be safe. Anything I should pass on, Harry?"

"Just tell him I love him," Harry said.

Draco nodded. "He loves you, too, you know."

"Yeah, I know," Harry said with a shaky laugh. "Get going, Malfoy, before they come looking for _you_."

Nodding, Draco Disapparated and Hermione stepped forward to grab Harry's arm tightly. "Grimmauld Place?" she asked uncertainly, the tone in her voice letting him know she hoped he changed his mind.

"Grimmauld Place."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **And here we go! All the fun stuff starts now! Harry and Hermione hunting for Horcruxes, Severus's days as Hogwarts headmaster, and all sorts of other fun stuff!

Big thanks to my reviewers: vampluv78, Serpent91, aliengirlguy, vampirexsama, slytherinfighter2011, Anniriel, da-blk-saiyangirl, xXxElectraxXx, sonicgirl582, and black616!

To Anniriel: I looooove Nightwish! Lol I've been so obsessed with the 30 Seconds to Mars album This is War that I had so many chapters with 30 Seconds to Mars lyrics and decided I needed something else. Btw, totally in love with that song lol. I should look through it and try to use lyrics from there at some point (tried once but it never did have anything that fit …sadface). I'm glad you enjoyed the Sirius and Harry stuff! I love Sirius so much but I've found it hard to find a place to put him to use lol. And yes, Tonks is pregnant in this fic…Just Harry and them don't know it yet lol.

To da-blk-saiyangirl: I'm glad you think so! Makes me feel better about writing them lol. I'm sure people don't like filler chapters as much, but it wouldn't be much of a story if I didn't have them lol. Besides, it draws the story out and makes all the good stuff that much more fun!

Please review! You know I love them!

Chapter title lyrics from "The Killing Lights" by AFI.


	68. Give Me a Sign, I Want to Believe

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Give Me a Sign, I Want to Believe_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Unlike earlier today, the ballroom of Malfoy Manor was brightly lit and lively in celebration. The only thing keeping this from seeming like one of Narcissa's social gatherings was the fact that not everyone was dressed up (though some had gone all out in dressing for the event) and the fact that Bellatrix and Alecto had captured a few Muggles and Mudbloods from the nearby town and were busily inflicting tortures upon them to the amusement of a great number of people. The only ones who did not seem pleased were Antonin and Thorfinn who had gone after Harry Potter and had failed to bring him back. Not only had they failed to capture him, the Dark Lord had pointed out, but they had been off guard enough to allow themselves to be attacked with no memory of what had taken place. Both men were still suffering great humiliation, especially when the others in the group taunted them about the whole ordeal.

The Dark Lord had won his greatest victory yet. He had control of the Ministry of Magic…The only thing that would please the man more was Harry Potter's death. Severus found it hard to get into the proper mood of things…He didn't see any true reason to celebrate, but it would seem odd if he didn't appear to be in great spirits with this latest feat. He engaged himself in a brief conversation with Abaddon and Azrael Avery, Caliban Mulciber, and Walden McNair about what took place at the wedding, the Avery twins giving all of the sordid details, as Caliban, Walden, and Severus had been too busy with other tasks given to them by the Dark Lord to attend. When that was over they expressed their excitement over the new control over the Ministry and shared all of the things they intended to do now that the Dark Lord had so much power, as well as theorizing where Harry Potter would be.

"There isn't a doubt in my mind the blood traitors are hiding him," Caliban said.

"It would be rather foolish," Abaddon pointed out. "Everyone will expect him to be there. Though I don't doubt _someone_ in the Order is housing him."

"He wouldn't go back to the Muggle's place, would he?" asked Azrael.

"Doubtful," Severus said with a sneer. "I heard enough of the brat whinging about his relatives and their unfair treatment of 'poor, pathetic Potter' to doubt we'll ever find him there again."

"But that makes it brilliant, though, doesn't it?" Caliban said with a broad grin.

"Possibly," Severus allowed. "But do you really think any of them have that sort of brains?"

They were all quick to buy that, and Severus resisted the urge to scold them for their stupidity. It was one thing to dislike one's enemy, but never underestimate them. While the likes of Black and Tonks were too ridiculous for their own good, let alone anyone else's, the Order did have people like Shackelbolt and Mad Eye Moody on their side. It wasn't much longer before Azrael took an interest in teasing her old lover, Antonin Dolohov, over his failure, and Severus, already bored with taunting Dolohov and Rowle, moved elsewhere.

He ended up spending a good twenty minutes with Lucius Malfoy, Narcissa Malfoy, Honor Avery, and Caliban's wife Wilhelmina Mulciber over their children. Honor and Abbadon were hoping their son, Alaric, would be able to join the cause soon and Wilhelmina dropped not so subtle hints about arranging a marriage between Alaric Avery and her daughter, Medea Mulciber. They moved on to questioning Severus about what he intended for Hogwarts and assuring him that their children would be most loyal to him and that he could call upon them for anything and inevitably led to an argument between Lucius and Narcissa about whether or not Draco would be going to Hogwarts come September. Draco had hopes of sticking around Malfoy Manor and involve himself with more Death Eater activities, but his mother was doing her best to persuade him to go back to school where it was safer. Lucius, on the other hand, thought it was good for Draco to follow his own desires, and Severus had a feeling Lucius only agreed with his son because of the benefits of having the boy around more. Severus had to bite his tongue to keep from saying so.

"What do you think, Severus?" Narcissa demanded after a while and Severus raised his eyebrow at her pleading blue eyes and Lucius's gray glare.

"I think it is up to the Dark Lord what Draco will be doing this upcoming year," Severus said reasonably, glancing to where the Dark Lord stood not too far away in deep conversation with Balthazar Avery and Erhard Mulciber. Narcissa's gaze followed his and she frowned deeply.

"Don't worry about it, Narcissa…You should be very proud," Honor told her. "I'd be very proud of Alaric if he managed to join their ranks at such a young age. There is still much to be done for our cause."

"Yes, I know," Narcissa said in a bored tone.

"Mortimer is hoping to take the Mark soon," Wilhelmina said with a bright smile. "We should all be very lucky our own children have taken such a passion for our cause…We _could_ be in the same position as Oedipus Odell, you know." She looked around to where the man stood, now talking to Bertram Yaxley about something or other. "His son, Orson, is on _their_ side. Complete blood traitor, that one. At least _we _know _we _did our job as parents. Can you imagine? And don't even get me started on that whole scandal with his wife Ursula…"

Despite their hostility towards one another, Severus and Lucius shared the same displeased glance towards one another as the women fell into their gossip. Honestly, though, Severus much preferred their spreading of rumors than the other more serious conversations floating around. It was nothing he hadn't heard before and Severus was bored of it all.

"Yes, well, there is a lot wrong with the Odell family, isn't there?" Honor pointed out. "His mum's a half blood…His dad, Obadiah, went to Azkaban for trying to kill the children when they were younger. His own children! Pureblooded sons, as if we could risk losing any of them! Aren't enough of us anymore, are there? Then…Let's see…His brother Orpheus is gay…No offense, Severus," she said with an apologetic smile, though the gleam in her eyes held more smug amusement than anything. "Then…oh yes, Odysseus committed suicide a few years back…"

"I thought Oedipus killed him because he wanted a sex change," Wilhelmina said.

"No, no he killed himself when Orpheus came out of the closet…He was a bit insane, you know, and couldn't live to bear the shame that his brother brought to their family," Honor said.

"I thought it was when he found out he was a half blood because of his mother," Narcissa said.

They were all wrong, actually, but Severus did not feel like partaking in their ridiculous conversation. Severus had _been_ there when Odysseus died. He had been in his casual relationship with Orpheus at the time and Orpheus had just gotten through telling Odysseus about his sexual preferences and the two got into a huge fight over it…Odysseus decided to go flying to cool off and Orpheus and Severus had gone after him…There was an awful storm, though, and the strong winds knocked Odysseus off of his broom and he fell a hundred feet and had died on contact the moment he landed on the harsh ground beneath him. _That_ had been a bit gruesome…Orpheus was incredibly upset that night and it was the night Severus realized he had to end things with the other man. It was becoming too serious if he was being introduced to the family and had the man crying on his shoulder.

"You're all wrong," Alecto Carrow said with a broad smile as she approached, Amycus right behind her. "He castrated himself when he found out he had slept with a Muggle woman and got her pregnant and ended up bleeding to death."

"You women tell the most intriguing stories," Severus said in a bored tone.

Alecto grinned wickedly. "It's usually more entertaining than the truth," she said. "Come along, Severus. The Dark Lord requests our presence immediately."

"Very well," Severus said and nodded to Lucius and the wives. "Excuse me."

He already had an idea of what this was about and walked easily after the Carrows to the Dark Lord's side. Balthazar and Erhard were still nearby, only now standing silently behind the Dark Lord as their master studied the new arrivals. "Yes, very good," the Dark Lord whispered. "By morning, Severus, you should officially be the new headmaster of Hogwarts. I set Pius Thicknesse to get through to the Board of Governors almost immediately. You must understand that I am putting a lot of trust in you to be bestowing such a vital role upon you."

"I understand, my lord. I am most appreciative of your faith," Severus said, giving a light bow.

This seemed to please the Dark Lord. "I believe there are openings for Muggle Studies and Defense Against the Dark Arts for Amycus and Alecto to choose from. If there are any other available positions, Severus, let me know at once…I am positive I can find suitable professors for you, should any of the current staff have an issue with the new arrangement."

Wasn't it bad enough that the students of Hogwarts would have to deal with Amycus and Alecto, who were just as passionate in their service to the Dark Lord and talented in their sadism as the Lestrange family. They could not afford to lose anyone else, because they could not risk having more Death Eaters in positions of power at Hogwarts. Severus was positive, though, that he could goad the others into staying. Most of him, he was sure, would be more than willing to remain at Hogwarts _for the children_. He would make sure they did stay.

"I will inform you of everything I am able once I am at Hogwarts," Severus assured him.

"I know you must be looking forward to this opportunity," the Dark Lord told them. "All of you. It is a great opportunity to…explore yourselves. You have power now…You can do whatever you wish. And no one will stop you. I encourage you to make good use of this chance."

In other words: do your worst. That was the only thing Severus could figure it to mean.

Alecto and Amycus eagerly launched into a very detailed description of the sorts of things they would do in their time at Hogwarts. Severus wasn't sure why anyone would be pleased to be stuck at Hogwarts all year when there were other things to do out there. The capture of Harry Potter was a big task the others were very interested in…Torturing and killing Muggles and Mudblood was something else. There was a whole world out there to enjoy, more people out there to have their fun with. Then again, they were probably just honored to be given such a particular job by the Dark Lord, perhaps seeing it as a great gift he was bestowing upon them or something as equally strange as that. Severus tuned out of most of it, only offering a comment here and there when required.

"Ah yes…Severus…I have one more particular task to set you upon," the Dark Lord said with a smirk. "You see…I have many servants…all with their own particular talents…But I find myself in need of more…intellectuals, such as yourself…Especially with you being stationed at Hogwarts very soon. I have a particular wizard in mind that you might remember…A man as wise as his brother is brutal…But considering the animosity between Oedipus and Orpheus, I was hoping you might…ahh…_convince him_ to join our cause?"

"In other words, Snapey, fuck him so good he can refuse you nothing!" cackled Amycus.

"Don't be so crude, Amycus," the Dark Lord said, though he was grinning. "I merely wish for Severus to do whatever it takes to get me Orpheus Odell."

"Of course, my lord. I will do all that I can before the term starts," Severus agreed, stomach twisting uncomfortably at the thought. He had not seen Orpheus Odell in years and highly doubted that anything he did _would_ work to get the man to agree to become a Death Eater, even if Severus did employ such methods as seduction. He doubted he was _that_ good in the bedroom and was sure Orpheus was hardly pleased with him after the way he had ended things. There was also the fact that Orpheus was a very moral man and would certainly not allow himself to be swayed to evil acts among Dark wizards.

The very thought of even pretending to entice Orpheus was frustrating in itself without thinking of Harry's feelings on the matter. It was also a bit disconcerting to know that the Dark Lord wanted Orpheus and knowing that Orpheus would refuse…The Dark Lord wanting anyone immediately put them in danger. Look what happened to the Potters and the Longbottoms, who had refused to join these ranks. Two were in graves and two were in the mental health ward at St. Mungo's.

"See to it that you do," the Dark Lord said. "Now, why don't you go and fetch young Draco Malfoy for me," the Dark Lord said after several long minutes. "I have not seen him tonight and he and I must have a chat."

"Yes, my lord," Severus said, giving another small bow before turning and heading back to the small group he had been at before, stomach sinking a bit when he realized that Lucius was no longer with them. That didn't always mean anything, but he could already imagine Lucius sneaking away to go see his son. "Narcissa, I'm sorry for interrupting…Do you know where Draco might be?"

"He could be in his room, I believe. He wasn't feeling very well when he got home so I sent him up there," Narcissa said with a frown. "I don't know if he ever came back down or not."

With a nod, Severus turned and headed out of the ballroom, glancing around quickly as he walked in hopes of spotting Lucius. Not seeing him, he sped up once he stepped out of the doors and hurried upstairs. He slowed back down as he approached Draco's door and knocked firmly, surprised when it opened almost immediately.

"Oh good, it's you," Draco said from his chair by the window, placing his wand back into his robes.

There was no sight of Lucius to his relief. "The Dark Lord would like a word with you."

Draco frowned, but nodded and stood up. "Alright, but I'd like a word with you first." He nodded to the door and Severus stepped inside and closed it behind him. Draco did a quick Silencing Charm before hastily speaking. "I followed Dolohov and Rowle today…After Harry and Hermione," he said. "Sort of…erm…helped Stupefy and Obliviate them."

"Draco," Severus sighed, reaching up to rub his temples. It wasn't exactly safe to do something like that…not only attacking his fellow Death Eaters, but aiding in the escape of the very person the Dark Lord wanted. Maybe Draco was learned in Occlumency, but the Dark Lord was the most skilled Legilimens of his time. Thankfully, Severus doubted it would be a problem unless the Dark Lord suspected anything, but it was exceedingly foolish to run about doing something so rash only to return and resume his act as a Death Eater.

"You would have done the same," Draco argued, a pink tinge staining his pale cheeks.

"I have been a spy for many years, Draco. I would have done all that I could to protect them, but I understand the dangers and I have enough skill to manage such a thing," Severus argued.

"Well, it's too late to change anything now," Draco said irritably, glaring at him. "They're safe, you know. Both of them."

"Were they attacked at all?" Severus asked.

"Not really," Draco said. "Dolohov and Rowle tried, but we got them before they could do much damage to any of us."

Severus nodded, feeling a bit better knowing that Harry was unharmed. He would have found a proper way of punishing Antonin and Thorfinn if they had done anything to the boy.

"Says they're at Number 12 Grimmauld Place," Draco went on.

"He told you where they were going?" Severus asked through gritted teeth. What on Earth…Young people. They didn't really think everything through, did they? Severus would have questioned Harry telling _him_ where he'd be, just on the off chance the Dark Lord managed to get through his defenses enough to see.

"I don't know why, either," Draco said, not offended by Severus's questioning of Harry's complete faith in him. "Wanted you to know, though…Also said he loves you," Draco added with a broad grin.

Not entirely sure how to respond, Severus just nodded and glanced back at the door. "You should get going…You do not want to keep the Dark Lord waiting."

"Right," Draco said. "Though…I was wondering if it would be possible if we go and see them?"

"Who?"

"Harry and Hermione."

Severus raised an eyebrow at Draco's hopeful expression, hoping to convey the impossibility of such a thing with his expression alone. They couldn't risk it…it would not only be dangerous to themselves, but to Harry and Granger, as well. "Go along, Draco."

Frowning, Draco took down the Silencing Charm and walked out of the door.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

While the Death Eaters celebrated at Malfoy Manor, Harry and Hermione spent their time at Grimmauld Place. They argued a bit over taking down the protective charms the Order had placed over the house. Harry wanted to take down the precautions against Severus while Hermione was wary of touching any of them, for fear of ruining what protection they had. In the end, Harry helped Hermione the best he could locating the Charms and deciphering them before letting Hermione figure out how to take down those that warded against Severus specifically. Kreacher watched them from afar, muttering under his breath.

"I wish there was somewhere we could send him," Harry muttered. They had only been here a few hours and already Kreacher was wearing on his last nerves.

"Shh…Be nice, Harry!" Hermione hissed as she finished the last of her spell work. She walked backwards until she was able to sit down on the couch, relaxing a bit. "If you're not going to be _nice_ at least don't be rude where he can hear you!"

Harry didn't see what it mattered…Hermione was nice to him and Kreacher was still awful to her. But Harry didn't feel like arguing over something like a house elf.

"Do you think they'll come?" Harry asked instead, shifting around on the couch so that he was laying down, his feet ending a few inches away from where Hermione sat.

He didn't have to specify who _they_ were.

"I dunno…They probably shouldn't," Hermione said with a frown. "But I'd like them to."

"Yeah," Harry agreed. It seemed like too much to hope for, but he still wished that Severus would come to visit him for a short time. Maybe it was for the best, he thought gloomily. They needed to focus on finding and destroying the Horcruxes, and it didn't do well to be distracted.

Silence fell upon them for a short time and Harry felt himself dozing off when he heard Hermione's shriek. Harry jumped up and pulled out his wand, staring in surprise as a silver Patronus soared in through a window and landed in front of them, solidifying into a silver weasel that spoke with Mr. Weasley's voice.

"_Family safe, do not reply, we are being watched_."

The Patronus dissolved and Harry and Hermione sat back against the couch, relief spreading through them both once the shock wore off. "Glad I didn't end up sending them that Patronus," Hermione said with a small smile. "I forgot all about it, actually."

Harry only nodded and grinned. "They're okay."

"Everyone's okay," Hermione said, her own smile widening. The two scooted closer and wrapped their arms around one another. Severus and Draco were safe and the Weasleys were safe… "They're alright!"

The reassurances that everyone they loved were safe made for a very happy time for Harry and Hermione. Things weren't particularly good at this point in time and really, the knowledge that he didn't have much to worry about when it came to those he loves made things just a bit easier for Harry. It was hard to fully be happy, though, knowing that true safety didn't really exist for anyone right now and it was up to him and Hermione to ensure that the people they cared about came out of this alive and well. It was a heavy burden, but just for the moment, the weight of it seemed a bit lighter.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **Eh another kind of filler chapter, but oh well lol. This part of the story shouldn't have many of them…There's enough to do with the events in the Deathly Hallows lol. Anyway I'm kind of excited to write particular parts of the next two chapters, so hopefully that means I can get them done faster lol and I hope you'll enjoy them as much as I do!

Big thanks to my reviewers: slytherinfighter2011, Anniriel, Serpent91, Mia Tun, da-blk-saiyangirl, Fat ppl are harder to kidnap, vampirexsama, aliengirlguy, BillBabe, vampluv78, and Egrant!

To slytherinfighter2011: ….I still have like 27 more chapters to write :P Bear with me lol! He'll die eventually (or will he? Mwahhahaha xD jk)

To Anniriel: I'm so glad you started to read it, too! You're such a good, loyal reviewer and I really appreciate it and I'm super glad you're enjoying it! And omg really? You made me go look up that song lol and I loved it. Still not sure if I prefer Anette over Tarja, but she's still good :P

To Mia Tun: Eww tests. I'm glad you like my story so much, though! That it's keeping you up so late/early/whatever! I'm so glad to hear (or see, rather, I guess) you say such nice things about my story! I love it so much and it makes me so happy to see others enjoying reading it so much! I'm super glad you liked my little Dramione moment! I've been looking forward to it lol though it did make me sad because I wished I could have a Snarry moment!

To Fat ppl are harder to kidnap: I'm glad you're liking it! And let me just say…I love your name. It made me rofl.

To vampirexsama: don't worry, I don't think it's so bad of you to say…otherwise it would be bad of me to say I enjoyed writing it lol!

To BillBabe: Awww! I'm so happy you've been enjoying it! And I'll try not to disappoint too much…if you can tell, I do my very best to post frequently lol! And I have been considering whether or not to kill Ginny…That one's still up in the air :P

To Egrant: One day? Damn! It's pretty long lol but I'm super happy you've given it a chance and that you like it so much!

Chapter title lyrics from "The Ballad of Mona Lisa" by Panic! At the Disco.


	69. Sometimes Problems Seem Too Deep to Take

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Sometimes Problems Seem Too Deep to Take_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

When Harry woke up, he was on the floor, and he didn't think he had fallen asleep there, either. His whole body was sore and he cringed as he used the coffee table to pull himself into a sitting position. Everything was really blurry and he forgot for a moment that he didn't have his glasses on. Grumbling, he felt around the coffee table and felt nothing and scooted back a bit on the floor to feel around on the end table beside the couch and had to stretch his arm to feel them and spent a minute longer than his sleepy mind was happy with in urging them close enough for him to properly grab them. It wasn't until he put them on and woke up a bit more that he considered he might have Summoned them with his wand to save himself the trouble.

His mind was really gone this morning.

Harry stood up and stretched a bit before looking around the living room. Hermione was on the couch with one arm and one leg dangling over the edge and a blanket twisted around her body in a way that Harry didn't think would be easy to fix. They must have fallen asleep there together, but as the couch wasn't really meant for two people to lay on and the fact that Hermione looked like she had moved around a lot in her sleep, Harry must have fallen off at some point during the night. They'd have to search the rest of the house today and set themselves up in one of the bedrooms…Sleeping on the floor had done nothing for Harry.

Harry moved to the chair closest to the couch and took a deep breath. The little bit of light visible through the curtains told Harry that it was incredibly early, somewhere between night and dawn. He leaned his head back and stared up at the shadowed ceiling and cob-webbed chandelier. It was strange to think that less than twenty four hours ago he had been waiting to show wedding guests to their seats…It seemed like a lifetime away. What was going to happen now? He and Hermione hadn't come up with any real plans involving the Horcruxes and now it seemed so foolish that they hadn't put more time and effort into their plans.

Why hadn't Dumbledore given him more? Told him more? Did Dumbledore even _have_ more? He hated Severus all over again for killing him…The one person who could truly help them. He and Hermione were only seventeen! They had no idea where to even begin! They _needed_ Dumbledore. How were they supposed to do this without him? Severus should have found some other way. They should have faked his death! Draco should have accepted Dumbledore's offer of protection…should have come with them last night…Everything should have happened differently. Harry knew he _had_ to do this, but the mission Dumbledore had left them seemed more and more impossible by the second.

After a while, Harry grew tired of sitting around thinking bad thoughts that only made him gloomier. Desperate for something to do, he slid out of the chair and grabbed his wand, whispering "_Lumos_." He started across the room and climbed the stairs by wand light. On the second landing he found the bedroom he and Ron had stayed in before together. He glanced into it and was somewhat surprised to see the wardrobe doors standing open and the bedclothes ripped back. Harry remembered seeing a knocked over troll leg downstairs. Had someone been in here since the Order left? Severus? Or maybe Mundungus, hoping to pilfer things from the abandoned house.

Harry continued upstairs until he reached the topmost landing where there were only two doors. The one closest to Harry had a nameplate reading SIRIUS. He had never seen the inside of his godfather's bedroom before. He pushed upon the door and held his wand high to cast the light as widely as possible. Part of him half expected to see Sirius in there, though it was ridiculous to think so. Sirius was probably still at the Burrow or visiting Remus and Tonks or out on business for the Order or something. He wouldn't be here, visiting them. Not here, the home of the family he hated…his prison for over a year.

He felt a bit like he was intruding…That maybe he should ask Sirius before just inviting himself into his room. But suddenly, Harry felt too curious about what he would find in there to leave now. It felt a bit less lonely up here then it had felt downstairs, which was odd considering that, while sleeping, Hermione was at least down there and there was no one up here. The promise of learning something about his godfather, though, and maybe even his parents was too good of an opportunity to pass up. He noted that areas in the bedroom looked disturbed, but when a quick check around the room assured him that no one was hiding there, Harry pushed the thought to the back of his mind and went exploring.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

It was early in the morning when Severus got the owl, a letter from the Board of Governors letting him know of his placement as Hogwarts Headmaster and their congratulations. That had certainly taken no time at all…Even with Pius Thicknesse as Minister for Magic now, Severus didn't doubt the use of the Imperius Curse on other members of the Ministry when they needed things done, particularly quickly. Severus wasn't sure if he was disappointed or not. On the one hand, this meant he could deal with the school and his new position soon and could hopefully get out of doing whatever other horrors the Dark Lord wanted committed…Then again, he wasn't exactly looking forward to his new job, either. There was a lot riding on his placement as headmaster, having to keep up his role as a Death Eater while protecting the school and its inhabitants from the tyrannical reign of Amycus and Alecto as Deputy Heads.

Severus went about his morning routine normally. He ate breakfast and took a long, hot shower and prepared himself for the day. He paid an owl for a copy of the newest _Daily Prophet_ to see news of the Minister's tragic death (an accident, they called it) and the placement of the new Minister for Magic, Pius Thicknesse. There was no news of his "promotion" of sorts at Hogwarts, but didn't doubt it would be plastered all over tomorrow's copy. He read through quickly, finding little interest in any of it before setting it aside and walking to the basement to check on his simmering potions. He started brewing at the beginning of summer, when the Dark Lord gave his intentions for Severus to become headmaster…Various healing salves and sleeping aids and Polyjuice potion…the sorts of strong medicine that the Hogwarts infirmary didn't normally keep in stock. He brewed everything he could think of that they might need once the term began.

The strongest of the painkillers was done and Severus poured it into several long phials and placing them in the small chest that already carried various potions and poisons. Next he moved to the cauldron in the farthest corner of the room and checked its coloring…a dark pink-red color. Good. He walked in a circle around the cauldron, murmuring incantations under his breath until a glowing orange circle sat around the cauldron, creating an environment without oxygen. He grabbed the remaining two ingredients and cast the Bubble-Head charm on himself before entering the circle and dropping them into the potion carefully and stirring them in, watching the potion thicken and melt from it's pink-red color to a nasty burnt orange color. When it was done, he grabbed four of the thickest phials he owned and carefully poured it in.

The potion was extremely volatile and would create a large explosion the moment it met oxygen and left in its wake an extremely poisonous green goo. It wasn't practical for everyday use, when there were spells that could more easily blow things up. It was mostly for when one was wandless or wanting to take their opponent by surprise, who obviously wouldn't think much of having a potion thrown at them. It would take a lot of force to break the glass they were being held in now, which meant there would be no unnecessary accidents taking place. He set the phials aside and cleaned the cauldron out before removing the circle around the cauldron and dropping the Bubble-Head charm. He carried these phials to the chest and placed them into a secret compartment at the bottom, just on the off chance someone found his supplies they wouldn't go opening the damned thing and getting their head blown off. He placed in a few phials of Felix Felicis on top of it and closed the chest.

With his potions done, there wasn't much left to do. He would have to finish packing, but he had started that job a few days ago in hopes of getting his mind off of things and there wasn't much of that left to do. Still, he grabbed his chest and walked upstairs to his room, setting the smaller chest inside of a larger one that still had room and packed away some of his favorite wines and other alcoholic beverages with it. He stopped on a bottle of Superior Red that Lucius had given him a few years back for his birthday and was half tempted to open it and have a good drink now, but pushed the thought aside and added the bottle along with the others. It only took a few more minutes to finish folding and packing away his robes and nightclothes and reluctantly closed the last chest.

Might a well get himself settled at Hogwarts now. Taking out his wand, he shrunk most of his drunks, though he didn't dare try it on the one carrying his alcohol and his potions. He slid the shrunken trunks into his pocket and grabbed the more sensitive chest, Apparating himself just outside of the gates of Hogwarts.

He passed through the gates easily and moved swiftly towards the castle. He wasn't eager to start this whole charade, but he _was_ eager to find a good, protective area for his potions and to put down the heavy chest that only seemed to grow more heavy by the moment. It only took a few minutes to reach the entrance, that was luckily unlocked. He met no one on the way to the headmaster's office and was grateful. Hopefully everyone was still away, enjoying their vacation time.

"Welcome, new headmaster," said the guarding gargoyle as Severus approached. "Would you like to set a password?"

"_Servo fiedes_," Severus said.

The gargoyle nodded and the entrance opened. The moving staircase took him up and the moment he opened the door he was greeted by the greetings of the other headmasters, some welcomes warmer than others. Severus ignored them and walked over to the empty desk and set the chest on top of it, allowing relief into his sore arms.

"Hello, Severus," said a familiar voice from behind him and Severus sighed heavily and turned to the portrait of Albus Dumbledore. "It's good seeing you…Here, that is."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"Harry? Harry! _Harry_!"

Harry turned from the door that led into Regulus Arcturus Black's bedroom to where Hermione appeared running up the staircase. "I'm here. What happened?" he asked, clutching the fake Horcrux in his hand as he walked over to meet her.

"I woke up and didn't know where you were!" she said breathlessly. "Harry, don't just disappear, please, I was terrified! What have you been doing?"

"Come, look at what I just found," he said, taking her hand and pulling her down the hall to Regulus's door. "I found R.A.B."

"Oh!" Hermione gasped, clutching Harry's arm. "Sirius's brother?"

"He was a Death Eater," Harry explained excitedly. "Sirius told me about him! He joined when he was young and got cold feet and left, so they killed him."

"That fits!" Hermione exclaimed. "If he was a Death Eater, he had access to Voldemort, and if he became disenchanted, then he would have wanted to bring Voldemort down! D…Do you think it could be here, Harry?"

"Well…Only one way to find out," Harry said. He had been more than happy to find loads of things in Sirius's room. Pictures of the Maraurders and a letter from his mother and all sorts of things…But his mother's letter, now residing in his pocket, was forgotten in favor of lifting his wand to the handle of Regulus's door and said, "_Alohomora_!"

There was a click and the door swung open and together, hand in hand, Harry and Hermione stepped in.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Albus frowned as Severus finished recounting everything to him. He hadn't had the time to tell the portrait he had of Albus at his own home, so it took a while catching Albus up on everything that had happened. "I do not know that it is wise that anyone other than Harry and Miss Granger know of their hiding place."

"Where would you suggest they go?" Severus asked dryly.

"I wish I knew," Albus said wistfully. "Now tell me, will young Mr. Malfoy be at Hogwarts this term?"

"Somehow, I doubt it. He wishes to stay and 'help'," Severus said irritably. "Narcissa has been trying to talk him out of it. The Dark Lord does not seem to care either way."

"Try to convince him to return to school, then," Albus suggested. "He would be safer here."

"Barely," Severus replied. Death Eaters and children of Death Eaters would likely be treated well, but Severus didn't doubt that Amycus and Aleco would have _some_ sort of fun with him, if given the chance. They were some of the most amused by the change in social status of the once haughty Malfoy family and seemed pleased to put them in their place at every given opportunity. Severus was also sure the ever loyal friends and allies of Harry and Albus would rally together against anyone associated with Death Eaters. Gryffindors, particularly, were foolish that way.

"Safe enough," Albus said.

"Do you know what they did with my belongings?" Severus asked, the question he had had in his mind since arriving to Hogwarts. Were his things still in his old rooms? His notes were down there, for the potion for Octavia Vector and Seraphina Myles. Severus wasn't sure he'd have time to distract himself from anything, but he had a strong urge to collect his old things, wanting some comfort in some of the objects…Pictures of Harry and Lily, gifts from those he cared about, old letters…

"I believe they gained entry long enough to look around for any clues they could find," Albus said. "They didn't seem to find anything, though I don't think they disposed of any of it."

"Good," Severus said, standing up. He had no desire to see his new rooms just yet. He moved his chest from the desk to the floor under the desk and headed out to visit his old rooms.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The real Horcrux was no where to be found in Regulus's room. They searched everywhere they could find and even a Summoning Charm didn't seem to work. They even went down to where Kreacher slept and found nothing. Harry didn't know where else it might be, but he did have an idea of how to find out. It was a task easier said than done and Harry was wishing desperately that they could somehow contact Sirius to get him over here…Kreacher was under no obligation to listen to Harry or Hermione, being as they weren't his "masters."

Kreacher was now skulking along the wall across from where Harry and Hermione sat on the couch, muttering under his breath. "I _told_ you we should have been nicer to him," Hermione whispered desperately.

"Lot of good that would have done," Harry snapped. "He hates us no matter what…He would probably lie, anyway! Remember fifth year? When I asked about Sirius? Kreacher lied! He hates Muggle-borns and half-bloods like us…_You're_ nice to him and that gets you nowhere, does it?"

"Well maybe _you_ have a better chance of getting to him then if _you_ were at least kind to him!" Hermione hissed back, glaring at him.

"The Mudblood and the Half Blood are talking about Kreacher, like Kreacher cannot hear them," Kreacher began muttering. "Hiding away in my mistress's house. Tainting her home…Oh my poor mistress, if she saw them here today. There would be no filthy blood in poor mistress's house. Only pure blood…Nasty, filthy…"

"He's one to talk about muttering about people like they can't hear him," Harry grumbled, wanting nothing more than to throw a chair at the insufferable house elf. It would probably give Hermione a heart attack if he tried.

"Harry, stop!" Hermione pleaded. "Look, let's just…try to figure this out, alright? There's…there's bound to be something somewhere! We just have to keep looking!"

"Yeah…Alright," Harry sighed, standing up with Hermione.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

There was only one thing missing from Severus's rooms and that was the only picture he had of Harry and himself. Considering he had seen no articles in the _Prophet_ about him being a child-molesting bastard, so he figured it hadn't been Minerva or anyone else…He could imagine Harry coming down here after everything last year. Somehow the thought of Harry taking that picture made him feel…something. Warm…happy…_touched_. Harry still loved him, Draco had said. And Harry (it had to have been Harry) had taken their picture.

Severus took the remaining pictures of the only two people he had ever loved and slid them into the inner pockets of his robes, where they would be safest. He then grabbed a bag from under his bed and began packing things away. His notes, his books (particularly those given to him by Harry, Lily, and Albus), and some of the music from his collection. There wasn't much he really wanted to take, only the things of sentimental value. It irritated him when he realized it, but it didn't stop him from putting the last record into his bag, one he remembered listening to with Lily a lot their fourth year…He remembered asking her to dance and feeling some comfort in the fact that she wasn't much better at dancing than he was.

When he thought he was done he set the bag in his chair and took one last look through the room, surprised to find a parchment with Harry's writing in the first drawer on the right side of his desk. Curious, as he was sure he had never seen it before, Severus pulled it out and glanced over it.

_Dear Severus,_

_It is not the law that you have to be an arse to all Gryffindors, you know. I don't think Mrs. Nugent would have been happy to see you call her daughter a crazy bint and asking how many times she dropped Ariel on her head and if her other devil's spawn were going to be so dim-witted and insane in the future. I also think Mr. Force __would__ have a problem with you strangling his son until all of the 'Gryffindor senselessness' left his brain and he became a halfway decent human being._

_You're nice to me, though, and I guess that's okay. The only way you're ever nice is in the bedroom and I don't think I'd be very happy if you started shagging half of my House. _

_Love,_

_Harry_

_P.S. I was not snooping. You're the one who left them sitting out!_

Severus quirked an eyebrow and looked back down into the drawer, a grin spreading across his face when he found the letters. They were mostly about Gryffindor students…Ariel Nugent, Todd Force, Rory Romero, Stavros Agnos, Romilda Vane, and Christy Calhoun. Those were just the ones in this drawer, though. Severus found that when he was particularly frustrated with students, it helped to write letters to their parents to keep him from torturing them in a way that would upset Albus. He never sent them…He knew that would not bear very pleasant results, but it at least eased his nerves a bit to get it all written out on paper. Severus knew he had written James Potter various times about how horrible Harry was, with post scripts to Lily about how he could not believe such an awful prat as Harry Potter could have come from her.

He glanced quickly over the top letter, the one to Ariel Nugent's parents and chuckled to himself. They were more amusing than anything, right now…Now that he could hardly remember what the girl had done to produce such wrath. He left the letters in his drawer, but folded up the letter and tucked it into his pocket with the pictures. Assured that he left nothing else around, he zipped up the bag and picked it up, walking out of his rooms slowly…He didn't want to leave here. Didn't want to set up house in Albus's old rooms. He didn't want to do this at all.

But he didn't really have the choice.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

They were dirty and exhausted and found nothing but failure. Harry and Hermione had been searching the house for hours to no avail…Harry had gotten excited once over finding _a_ locket, but closer inspection proved that it wasn't the same and Kreacher had marched in wailing about it belonging to his mistress.

"Maybe we should call _Master Sirius_ and see what he has to say about this," Harry snapped when Kreacher grew particularly annoying, stuffing the locket of Walburga Black into his pocket just to be spiteful.

"Filthy blooded thieves…Threatening to bring my mistress's shame back into the house…if only she could be here now, to see this…She'd hex his fingers off, mistress would," Kreacher grumbled, glowering at him.

"Harry!" Hermione snarled. "Stop that!"

"I'd stop if he'd shut it," Harry muttered, not loudly enough for Hermione to hear. He continued digging through the jewelry box…It didn't have much in it, as Sirius had gotten rid of most of the stuff, but he had shoved bits of garbage into it while cleaning up, making anything useful difficult to find.

"Destroying poor mistress's room…" Kreacher was groaning.

Was it _really_ wrong to want to throw the jewelry box at his head? House elves didn't deserve bad treatment in general, but Harry had a feeling that Kreacher would deserve it.

"Harry, do you hear that?" Hermione asked quietly.

_I hear Kreacher whinging like a baby_, Harry thought miserably. "Hear what?"

"Someone is at the door, Kreacher knows, but the filthy blooded animals do not know…They are not very smart, they aren't," Kreacher was muttering.

"Knocking…Someone's at the door," Hermione said, glancing uneasily at Kreacher.

"Who would be here?" Harry asked, stepping away from the vanity and moving out into the hallway, hopping downstairs with Hermione on his tail.

"Check through the peephole first, Harry," Hermione cautioned.

"I was going to," Harry said irritably. He wasn't completely stupid, was he? He moved quietly towards the door, not wanting to upset Mrs. Black's portrait and crept up to it, looking through the peephole. "Draco!" he said and reached for the doorknob before thinking better of it. "Who did you snog in the bathroom of the Three Broomsticks on Valentine's Day fifth year?"

"Bloody hell, Potter," grumbled Draco. "Hermione's not there, is she?"

"Answer the question!" Harry said with a grin.

"You, you dolt!" Draco snapped irritably. "Let me in, I dunno how long they'll stay unconscious."

Harry and Hermione exchanged a nervous glance before Harry swung open the door, letting Draco hurry in. Two Death Eaters were laying face first in the ground just outside. "They didn't see me, don't worry," Draco said, closing the door for them.

"We're being watched?" Hermione asked, voice slightly panicked.

"Not really…They have an idea of where to expect you, so I wouldn't suggest leaving," Draco said, leading them out of the entranceway and into the living room.

"What are you doing here? Changed your mind?" Harry asked, taking a seat.

"I decided to visit," Draco said with a shrug. "Mum was driving me nuts at home and they don't really have much use for me right now."

"Offer still stands," Harry said.

"I know my company is wonderful, Potter, but no need to be so desperate about it," Draco said with a smirk.

"You are so full of yourself," Hermione said with a smile, rolling her eyes as she sat beside him on the couch, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Can't help it much…That's what happens when you're born so astoundingly handsome and remarkably talented," Draco said with a grin.

Hermione and Harry laughed for a moment, but Hermione stopped short and sat up, eyeing Draco. "You snogged Harry?"

Draco raised an eyebrow. "_You_ snogged him."

Hermione's cheeks burned pink and Draco shot an amused look to Harry who shifted uncomfortably. "And you've snogged each other. Let's just say we're really good friends, eh?"

The three burst into laughter and Harry swore nothing had felt so good in a while. He was with two of his best friends, laughing…For a moment, things didn't seem so hopeless or bleak. He did hope Draco would decide to join them…He had a feeling it would make things easier, not just having someone else around to help find and destroy the Horcruxes, but someone to help make the mood a bit easier.

"Ah…It is Master Draco!"

Harry sighed heavily as Kreacher walked into the room, grinning. "The pureblood son of Mistress Narcissa! Good wizard…good pureblooded wizard. Mistress would be glad to have him here!"

Draco eyed Kreacher unhappily, but it didn't' bother Kreacher much. Kreacher was just glad to have a proper pureblood in the house. Hermione looked suddenly excited and she sent Harry a look, though he wasn't sure what it meant. "Draco, would you mind helping us with something?" Hermione asked, voice chipper as she sat up excitedly. She was grinning at Kreacher and Draco looked at her in surprise, but nodded. After a few long seconds, Harry grinned, too, as he figured out what Hermione was after.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"I hear a congratulations are in order."

Severus didn't stop when he heard the sarcastic tone of a familiar female voice, though he became more alert. He was halfway to the Headmaster's Tower when Minerva McGonagall caught up with him. "Somehow I doubt you're here to praise me for my latest accomplishment, Minerva," Severus replied smoothly.

"I am not pleased, no," Minerva said. "It must be delightful for you. All these young boys at your disposal…No headmaster above you to stop you raping them. I'm sure You Know Who has the Board of Governors under his thumb. No doubt the only reason you have the job now."

"That is no way to speak to this school's headmaster, Minerva," Severus said stiffly, not liking the insinuations she made at all. He had nearly forgotten that she had discovered Harry and himself in a compromising position last year. He didn't feel as guilty as he used to, over taking a sixteen year old boy to his bed, but it was impossible to be unfazed by her pedophile remarks. "Don't you need your job?" Severus asked as Minerva opened her mouth to speak. "To stick around and protect the little beasts?" he asked harshly, mockingly. It should be enough to remind her of why she needed to stay before she even thought of leaving without making it seem like he actually gave a damn about it.

"I wasn't so sure you cared," Minerva spat sarcastically.

"Is there a reason you're here, other than to antagonize your new employer?" Severus asked impatiently as they neared the gargoyle.

"I am here because this is my home," Minerva remarked sharply. "A home I will protect at all costs."

"I look forward to seeing your noble attempts," Severus sneered. "Once a Gryffindor, always a Gryffindor."

"Always," Minerva promised, eyes burning furiously as she glared at him, as if he were the most vile beast in the world. He couldn't blame her at all. He held his head, high, though and smirked, showing her nothing but amusement, as if he didn't take her seriously. He certainly couldn't show her how relieved he was that she was going to stay and put up a fight to protect the students.

"While I am most enthusiastic to witness to your endeavor to overcome this new regime, I do have other very important matters to attend to. I trust this little diatribe of yours can wait until a more appropriate time?" Severus said.

"Of course. Far be it from me to keep you from your new duties," Minerva snarled, nostrils flaring. She looked like she was ready to curse him, but she instead glowered at him dangerously before storming off.

This wasn't the last time he'd be hearing from Minerva McGonagall. He already knew that…He could only hope he was better prepared the next time it happened.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **Okay so it soooooooooooo didn't even go the way I had hoped. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but eh lol. Wouldn't be the first time a chapter gave me trouble lol. Anyway I was excited for the Sev and McGonagall convo and trust me…it won't be the last hehehe.

Also I checked the Harry Potter wikia page to find Sirius's mom's name and it amused me so much. Walburga Black (mother/second cousin once removed) xDDD

Anyway, big thanks to my reviewers: vampirexsama, SexciiLexi, slytherinfighter2011, da-blk-saiyangirl, Anniriel, vampluv78, Kaiya Sumeragi, aliengirlguy!

To vampirexsama: you'll just have to see about Mr. Lucy :P

To slytherinfighter2011: I know, lol, I'm so excited for this to be over and get to good stuff!

To vampluv78: Bella's all yours!

Please review! I'm really hoping to get another chapter up today, but we'll just have to see. I'm super excited for it!

Chapter title lyrics from "Betrayed" by Avenged Sevenfold.


	70. You Won't Be Leaving My Arms Ever

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_You Won't Be Leaving My Arms Ever_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Kreacher was more than happy to listen to Draco Malfoy, the perfect pureblood son of Lucius and Narcissa, some cousin of his mistress, and so on and so forth. Kreacher could not understand why young Draco had taken such company, but he was more than glad to follow his directions and answer all of his questions. They questioned Kreacher about the locket, discovering that it had been stolen by Kreacher when Sirius tried to throw it out and stolen from him by Mundungus Fletcher. Kreacher tried to punish himself after that, but they managed to stop him from coming to much harm. Once he calmed down enough they got him to tell his story…Of how Regulus joined Voldemort and how Regulus had always liked Kreacher…How Voldemort needed an elf. Voldemort had taken Kreacher to the cave Harry had gone to with Dumbledore months ago. Kreacher was made to drink the poison in the basin, as Dumbledore had. Kreacher had gone to drink the water and had been pulled under by Inferi…He had only gotten out because his Master Regulus called for him. Harry hadn't understood it much, but let it go after a while. Later Regulus made Kreacher take him back to the cave. Regulus drank the potion and made Kreacher switch the lockets and told Kreacher to leave him and destroy the locket. Regulus had then been pulled under the water by the Inferi…

Kreacher was incredibly upset, having to tell the story. Hermione did her best to comfort him, though Kreacher didn't like it very much. Kreacher explained that he tried to destroy it and how he punished himself when he couldn't. Hermione started crying through it and Draco just stared at her in astonishment and held her close to comfort her. After hearing what Voldemort had done, Harry didn't fully understand how Kreacher could betray Sirius to him and be so loyal to those who served him, and Hermione had to explain that house elves didn't think that way. Harry still didn't understand house elves much, but he didn't feel like having to mess with it much and hear her lectures about house elves and such.

"Kreacher, sit up!" Draco demanded, cringing at Hermione's sharp glare. "Erm…please…uh…when you feel up to it."

Hermione eyed him, but relaxed. After several minutes, Kreacher finally hiccupped himself into silence and pushed himself into a sitting position, rubbing his knuckle into his eyes like a small child. Harry moved over to sit on the couch with Draco and Hermione and leaned over to quietly talk to them. "Try to get him to get Mundungus and get the locket back."

"Already thought of that," Draco assured him. "Alright, Kreacher….I erm…need to ask you to do something," Draco said in a kind tone, glancing uncertainly at Hermione. Smart move on his part. Hermione smiled encouragingly and Draco nodded and turned back to Kreacher. "I want you to…please…go and find Mundungus Fletcher. We need to find where the locket is…Master Regulus's locket. It's really important…We want to finish the work Master Regulus started, we want to…ensure that he didn't die in vain."

Kreacher dropped his hands and looked up at Draco. "Find Mundungus Fletcher?"

"And bring him here, Grimmauld Place, for Harry and Hermione, okay?" Draco said. "Do you think you could do that for us?"

Kreacher nodded and got to his feet and Harry had a sudden inspiration. He grabbed the moleskin purse that Hagrid had gotten him for his birthday and dug around for the locket. "I want you to, please, do all that you can to help Harry and Hermione, okay? They want to help finish this…this task that Regulus was trying to accomplish. Master Regulus would be very proud if you helped them finish this job. It would be a really great thing to do."

Hermione was beaming.

"Kreacher, I'd, er, like you to have this," Harry said, pressing Regulus's locket into the elf's hand. "This belonged to Regulus and I'm sure he'd want you to have it as a token of gratitude for what you-"

"Oh, Harry!" Hermione said with a smile.

Kreacher wailed out and started crying and they were too shocked to do much for a minute. Eventually they realized he was just so happy at being presented with a Black family heirloom of his own and he was too weak in the knees to stand properly. When he was finally able to stay steady, they helped him to his cupboard where he tucked it safely in his dirty blankets and promised that protecting it would be their first priority while he was away. He then made two low bows to Harry and Draco and an odd spasm in Hermione's direction before Disapparating with a loud _crack_.

"Oh, Harry, that was so nice of you!" Hermione exclaimed, throwing her arms around him and hugging him close.

"Hey, I was pretty decent to him!" Draco said.

"Yes, I know!" Hermione giggled and moved from Harry to hugging her boyfriend. "So, how long do we have you?"

"I can't risk staying too long…But maybe overnight…I can tell Mother I'm with Severus or someone, I'm sure," Draco said with a grin. "The Dark Lord's too busy working on the Ministry and since I'm of no use there, I doubt he'll need me for much…and I'm of age and don't need to report to my parents for everything."

"Good!" Hermione said happily, hugging him excitedly. "Well, let's make the most of it, then."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Severus needed to have a word with Narcissa about her damned owl. When Narcissa insisted the message was urgent, the black and gray owl named Sanaa became an annoying and impatient bird that Severus felt like throwing against the wall. Severus had the great misfortune of waking up to Sanaa's screeching and flapping, wings slapping him as she hovered over him, even pecking him in the side now and then. He woke up irritably, swinging his arm at her, a hit she just narrowly missed. Severus sat up in bed, scowling at the damnable bird and then around the room, wondering how the blasted thing even got in.

Sanaa hooted and dropped a letter over his head and perched herself right over his head, behind him on the headboard. Sighing heavily, Severus ripped open the envelop and pulled out the letter, glancing over Narcissa's smeared words. It involved a lot of inane babbling all revolving around Draco having not come home last night and wondering if he was with Severus. Sanaa hooted encouragingly and Severus sighed heavily, sliding out of bed and pausing, looking around the room.

It felt strange, being here, in the headmaster's private rooms. It wasn't quite home and Severus was reluctant to get used to it. He took a moment to consider his options…There was no desk in here, but he did _not_ want to go out into that office and face the headache that was bound to await him from the constant chattering of old headmasters. If only he could kick them out. Instead he dug through the bag he had brought from the dungeons yesterday and pulled out a parchment, quill, and inkpot and placed it on the bedside table. Most of the parchment hung off and he had to move the parchment every few seconds to have more room to write. It was thankfully not a long letter…Only soothing Narcissa with assurances that Draco was safe and that Severus knew where he was and that he would be home that night, at the latest.

In all honesty, Severus did not know for a fact where Draco was and he figured it was safer to leave it open in that way than claim to be with Draco if the boy managed to show up before Narcissa got the response and before Severus could warn him. Severus did have a fair idea of where Draco would be, though, and he sighed heavily as he thought about it. The last thing Draco had said to Severus was expressing his desire to go visit Harry and Granger. If Draco was nowhere his mother could find him, Severus was sure that was bound to be it.

The more Draco dealt with Harry and Granger, the worse off he was going to be and it was foolish of the boy to think he could move so casually between his roles. He had to be a Death Eater now. He had made his choice and it was not wise of him to bounce back and forth in such a manner. Occlumens or not, Draco did not have the experience enough to face the Dark Lord if he was in the mood to dig through Draco's mind. He could risk not only himself and his family, but Harry and Granger, as well.

When the letter was done, he gave it to Sanaa and all but threw her out of the window. When she was safely out of the way, he slammed the window shut and marched across the room to where he knew the bathroom to be and took as quick a shower as he could before throwing on some clothes and sweeping out of the room. He ignored the shouts of the portraits behind him and moved out of the Tower and down the corridors and out of the entrance, walking swiftly down the pathway until he was outside of the gates and thus able to Disapparate.

Thorfinn Rowle and Caliban Mulciber were stationed outside of Grimmauld Place today. _Yet another very good reason as to why coming here was a stupid idea_ Severus thought bitterly to himself. Almost as soon as he appeared he pointed his wand at the men and Stupified them both before they even had a chance to turn around. They fell face first into the grass and Severus moved around them, feeling considerably more irritated as he marched up to the door and knocked…He didn't think it wise to go in, as they would probably end up lingering longer if he did so.

He heard shuffling behind the door and a sharp gasp and the twisting of the knob before it stopped. Severus quirked an eyebrow and waited. "Erm…" came Harry's voice. "When did I lose my virginity?"

Of all of the questions…Severus rolled his eyes. "Christmas morning, 1996."

The door flung open and Severus found himself being dragged inside. The door slammed shut behind him and the strong arms of his lover encircled his neck and held him close. It all happened so fast Severus hardly had time to react, only instinctively finding his arms coming to wrap around Harry's middle. "Severus!" Harry breathed excitedly, kissing Severus's shoulder and neck.

He hadn't really thought about seeing Harry when he came here. He only knew he wanted to stop Draco from making a mistake and telling him to hurry up and make up his mind about where he wanted to be. Severus never really stopped to think that this was where _his Harry_ was…That he would get to see and hold his lover once again. He rubbed his hands up and down Harry's back and held him closer, burying his nose in the boy's unruly hair and breathing in his scent deeply.

"I can't believe you're here!" Harry whispered against his skin. "I love you so much. I've missed you like crazy!"

"I must insist that you cease that incessant babbling this instant," Severus growled, pulling back slightly enough to look down into Harry's face, sliding his hands around Harry's body and upwards so that he could cup it in his hands. His breath caught in his throat at the sight of his startlingly green eyes, alive with love and excitement and happiness. The words _"so that I can kiss you properly"_ were forgotten in favor of simply leaning down and capturing those full lips with his own, kissing Harry tenderly. He felt Harry's fingers grasp tightly at the shirt he wore. Harry pulled himself closer and deepened the kiss, pulling Severus forward until Harry's back hit the wall.

Severus's lips moved slowly against Harry's, savoring the feel and taste of his younger lover. If he never got the chance to kiss him again, he wanted to remember everything about it…He wanted to be able to feel him and taste him every time he remembered this moment. His thumb moved back and forth over his cheek for a moment before letting them both drop to Harry's neck and sliding down his shoulders and chest and around his back, down his legs…He was overcome with the strongest urge to reacquaint himself with Harry's body completely. Now that he had his Harry in his arms, he was unwilling to ever let him go again, and knowing he would have to meant he had to treasure every last moment he had with him.

Because it very well could be his last.

The beautiful moment was rudely interrupted by a strange clicking noise, only managing to break them apart when Granger's voice shrieked, "Draco, stop that!"

Severus and Harry reluctantly pulled apart. Harry laid back against the wall gasping while Severus glared at Draco Malfoy and his _camera_ as a bright flash momentarily blinded him. "Stop it, Mione! I'm capturing the moment for them!"

"You're _ruining_ the moment for them," Granger argued, pulling on Draco's arm. "Sorry 'bout that. Umm…Hi, Professor."

Severus nodded to the girl before turning his eyes back upon his grinning godson. "Fancy seeing you here, Severus."

"Your mother sent Sanaa this morning…She's apparently incredibly worried about you," Severus drawled.

"Oh bugger," Draco sighed. "What did you tell her?"

"That I knew where you were and that you would be home by tonight," Severus said.

"Did you really have to add in that last part?" muttered Draco.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Unless you intend on staying here, then I can always owl her again to tell her that you won't be going home at all."

Draco frowned, but nodded his head.

"You could both stay, you know," Harry said, his tone light, but Severus saw that flash of hope spark in his green eyes.

It broke his heart. He would have gladly surrendered anything to stay by Harry's side…To be here by his side, always. To help him through whatever mission Albus set him upon. Now that he had him again, how could he possibly ever _leave_ him again? Severus swallowed hard and pressed his lips to Harry's forehead. "You know that I cannot," he whispered against Harry's skin.

"I know," Harry sighed. Severus leaned down to offer a small, apologetic kiss to his lips.

"I'll have to go back eventually, too," Draco said, though he sounded very much like he didn't want to.

No one offered any sort of argument this time, only allowing a sad silence to linger over them. He pulled Harry back into his arms, for once not caring if anyone caught him in any sort of real display of affection. He craved Harry too much, needed him too much right now. Draco and Granger barely seemed to notice as they grasped hands, staring into one another's eyes intently. Severus glanced them over only a moment before turning his black gaze back to Harry's face, trailing the fingers of one hand down his cheek and smoothing his thumb over his nose and across his lips, his eyes following the movement of his fingers before flickering up to emerald eyes that were watching him attentively.

"Um…Professor…Would you like any breakfast…or tea…or coffee or something? I just finished putting food together when you arrived," Granger said tentatively.

"No, thank you, Miss Granger. I am not hungry," he replied, finally pulling himself together and moving slightly away from Harry and glancing at her. He knew he needed to snap out of it…It wasn't wise to be here long.

But Harry reached out and took his hand, his eyes never leaving Severus. "You two can go ahead," Harry said.

There was, unusually, no dirty remark from Draco as he and his girlfriend walked away. Harry tightened his grip on Severus's hand and began pulling him along towards the staircase and any internal battle was immediately lost. Since when had he become a slave to his emotions? Doing the right thing should have taken priority over this…But with no imminent danger upon them, he found it hard to break away and do what he knew he had to do. He had longed for Harry for too long, though…Had thought of him too much these past few months…

The walk wasn't far. Harry opened the first door on the second landing and pulled Severus into a bedroom, closing the door as soon as they were both in. For a moment they just held onto each other and stared at each other, breathing raggedly, pulses racing. There was so much that needed to be said and done. Severus had to tell Harry about his takeover as Hogwarts headmaster, if he didn't already know…Had to tell Harry of the Dark Lord's plans for him involving Orpheus Odell…had to warn him to be careful and not stay here too long, because it was only a matter of time before their location was discovered…He needed Harry to tell him everything that had happened since they last met.

Instead, they kissed. Neither was sure who had moved first, only that they clung to one another desperately and kissed with a passion that ran much deeper than lust, consuming them both entirely. Both were hit by the same overwhelmingly raw _need_…No desire for sex, but pure _need_ to be close. To stare and feel and taste and smell and hear each other…to possess the other. To study and worship and relish each other.

"Sev'rus," Harry moaned against his mouth, voice and body quivering in desire.

"Harry," Severus breathed, moving his lips down to trail along the boy's jaw line.

"I love you," he said as he tugged at the hem of Severus's shirt. Severus aided him in its removal before reaching out to grab Harry's jumper.

"I love you, too," he whispered in reply, attaching his mouth to Harry's neck once his shirt was gone. He loved the way Harry shivered beneath his touch. "I love you more than I ever have, or ever will, love anyone."

His heart pounded in exhilaration at the admittance and found himself being pulled up, Harry's fingers entangled in his hair, lips desperately kissing his. "Show me," Harry gasped after a moment.

"I am," Severus assured him, letting his hands travel over Harry's smooth, warm, bare flesh, loving the feel of his hard muscles and the soft tickle of the little bit of body hair Harry possessed. As his hands moved down, he grasped Harry's hips and urged the young man back until Harry fell onto the bed.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Harry scooted back on the mattress as soon as his butt hit it, never once removing his eyes from Severus. He could hardly believe he was here at all! He had told Draco to give Severus their whereabouts in hopes that he might pay a visit, but he had never _really_ thought he would show up! His heart was soaring…He could barley concentrate on any of the things he thought he would want to say or do whenever he did see Severus again…He couldn't think of much in his dazed mind other than what his very soul craved beyond all else. For the moment, everything else in his world was forgotten.

Harry laid back onto the bed as Severus crawled over him. For a moment, Severus just stared down at him and Harry couldn't look away…couldn't for the life of him break away from that arresting, obsidian gaze. He looked at Harry as if he were the single most precious thing in the world. As if nothing but Harry existed and he was everything Severus needed in his life. Those dark eyes betrayed everything Severus seemed to be feeling and thinking. Those eyes were not just windows to the soul, but they seemed to be pulling Harry in until he was surrounded by that inky blackness and felt to be drowning in it.

It felt like forever before those lips met his, a touch so loving and soft that it overwhelmed him completely. As their lips connected, Severus lowered himself completely over Harry, bare skin of their chests and stomachs pressed together. Harry immediately lifted his hands to slide around Severus's body to grasp his back, shifting his legs around until he pulled them free in order to wrap them around Severus's, using everything he could to pull Severus as close as possible.

He felt so warm…so right here…feeling more content then he could ever remember. If he could do nothing but kiss and hold Severus for the rest of his life, he would have gladly accepted such a life right now. He felt…perfect. He could think of nothing more that he wanted in this moment, and felt that he might only ask that this last forever. He slid one hand up, running his fingers through soft black hair as he moved his lips slowly against Severus's. His heart felt so swollen with love in his chest, every kiss feeling as though he was pouring out every bit of love he felt for the man into him, showing Severus just how much he cared for him in the very best way that he could.

He felt only a moment of disappointment as Severus's mouth moved from his, but it was hard to keep up when those lips brushed against his cheek, then trailing along his jaw line and down to his neck. Harry gasped, fingers digging more firmly into his lover when Severus began sucking at a particularly sensitive area. He licked his lips and pressed his growing hardness up against Severus, groaning quietly at the pleasant friction. He pressed himself up slightly, pressing his lips to Severus's shoulder, kissing his warm skin lovingly, kissing everything he could reach while Severus expertly licked and kissed and sucked his neck, slowly working his way down to Harry's collarbone.

Severus kissed him everywhere.

Soft, thin lips moved down his body, creating a trail of fire over his skin. Strong, skilled hands combed through his hair and traced along his face and smoothed down his body. As his lips encircled one nipple, fingers rubbed and pulled at the other, sliding down his side when it was time for his mouth to pleasure that one while the fingers of the other hand moved to work over the abandoned one. As that wicked tongue traced the light muscles of his chest and downwards to dip into his bellybutton, every move causing the muscles in his stomach to quiver, his fingers dropped down to his trousers, working the button and the zipper until he was able to grasp them and his underwear in order to pull them down. Soft strands of black hair tickled his stomach as Severus began kissing along his pelvis, brushing over his arousal as his mouth ignored the area in favor of kissing and sucking at his inner thighs, always venturing closer to his hardness, but never daring to touch it. Harry found his hips moving eagerly, shifting and wiggling in desperation for contact.

Once that mouth had known every inch of the area surrounding it, he finally pressed a kiss to the tip of Harry's leaking cock before kissing and licking down the length, then moving around and back up. Harry's cock twitched eagerly, but instead of lavishing his hardness in the attention it so craved, Severus moved on, kissing back down his legs. Harry groaned and rubbed his hands over his face, feeling like he might burst, needing to cum so badly it was almost painful.

As Severus moved down further, kissing over his knees and down his legs, Harry pushed himself up onto his elbows, looking down his body to watch Severus work. It had always bothered Harry that he didn't have as much body hair as other boys his age, but he found that it didn't matter so much now…He figured if he looked like a caveman, this wouldn't be nearly so nice or erotic and Severus probably wouldn't be paying such close attention to every inch of skin that covered Harry's body. The light wisps of hair he did have didn't seem so bad right now.

Severus sat on his knees and pulled Harry's leg up to him when he moved lower, finally reaching his ankle, pressing an open mouthed kiss there. Long fingers began pressing firmly into his foot, massaging the area deeply as his lips moved over the top of his foot, pressing to the tip of each toe, before moving around to kiss down the bottom of his foot. His toes wiggled a bit, foot twitching slightly…He had a feeling it should have tickled, but it only felt nice, kisses on the normally sensitive skin. When Severus seemed sure he had thoroughly explored the area, he set Harry's leg down and grabbed the other, repeating the process there. Harry groaned quietly now and then, mostly from how good the foot massage felt. He found himself unable to tear his eyes away from Severus, completely in awe by the sight of his lover paying such beautiful attentions to him.

When that was done, Severus urged Harry onto his stomach and crawled back over his body, mouth and hands continuing their work. He started by kissing the sides and back of Harry's neck, hands sliding down his back and his sides. He kissed and licked across his shoulder blades and down his spine…Severus grasped his arse cheeks firmly as he kissed along his lower back before sliding them back down, rubbing his thighs as his lips met the firm buttock, teeth scraping along the flesh and biting down gently upon it, causing Harry to gasp. Harry licked his lips, breathing growing ragged as his cheeks were parted and a muttered spell caused a cold, tingling feeling to pass through him sharply (a cleaning spell) before that beautiful tongue swiped up the crack slowly before circling around his entrance. Harry grasped the bed sheets and whimpered pleadingly, squirming and rubbing his hardness into the mattress desperately. "Sev'rus," Harry groaned.

"Patience, Potter," Severus growled, voice muffled as his face was buried in Harry's arse..

All too soon Severus moved on, much as he had done with Harry's cock…Only doing enough to tease him, to get him into it, before cruelly moving away to continue his journey. Harry groaned in disappointment, though Severus easily distracted him from it as he worked…Strong hands grasped his hips, holding him still and preventing him from thrusting against the bed too much as his lips moved down the backs of his legs. His body jerked a bit when his tongue swiped across the backs of his knees and moving back down. Everything he did felt so _amazing_. He felt like he was melting against the bed, nothing but a puddle with what Severus was doing for him. He moaned and groaned quietly, grasping the sheets when something felt particularly _intense_. It felt like Severus had been kissing and touching him forever when he was rolled back over, Severus sliding back up his body.

Harry grasped his hair and pulled Severus down into a deep kiss as he maneuvered his body around to flip Severus and himself over so that he was straddling his older lover. He then latched his mouth onto Severus's neck, pressing his hand into the bulge in Severus's trousers, loving the quiet groan Severus emitted.

After a moment he paused and pressed his head against Severus's chest, looking down his body so that he could focus on undoing Severus's trousers, fingers fumbling with the button until Severus chuckled and reached down to help, both men working together to pull both the pants and underwear down until Severus was able to kick them off.

"Ermm-_mmmmm_," Harry moaned, almost forgetting what he was about to say as Severus grasped his hips, rubbing their cocks together.

"Hmm?" Severus asked, sliding his hands around to grasp Harry's arse, giving it a squeeze.

"Mmmm…Huh?" Harry asked. "Oh…erm…" he went on nervously. "I don't think there's any lube around here."

"There _are_ alternatives, Potter," Severus assured him, leaning up to kiss along the front of Harry's throat. "There are other things two men can do together, you realize?"

"Yeah…well…" Harry said uncertainly. He wanted everything tonight…to feel Severus inside of him. He just didn't know how to word it without sounding like some lovesick girl or a pervert. He groaned, nearly losing his train of thought as Severus continued rubbing their hips together and kissing him. "Is there…anything else…we could…erm…use?"

"There are some things that can be used as a substitute…I've never been particularly fond of most other methods, but there is a spell that might work decently enough for our purposes," Severus assured him with a smirk.

"Oh, okay, good," Harry said, resuming his work kissing Severus's chest, halfway wishing he hadn't gone and interrupted things, worries of what they would do breaking that exquisite spell they had both been under. He was fully prepared to reciprocate every action Severus had performed on him not long ago, but found himself a bit too impatient to do as thorough of a job kissing every inch of his exposed skin. He trialed open mouthed kisses down to his stomach in half the time it took his lover, but Severus didn't seem to mind much. Severus himself seemed eager to get things moving. Harry heard Severus breathlessly Summon his wand before reaching down and grabbing Harry's upper arms, pulling him back up to kiss him deeply while pressing his wand against Harry's arse, murmuring a spell into Harry's mouth when the tip of the wand caught between his cheeks.

"Ah!" Harry cried into the kiss, thinking it hurt for a moment and left behind a strange tingling sensation. It was cold and he could feel some of it trickling out of him and down his thigh. Severus trailed his hands down Harry's back and over his arse, down to his legs which he grabbed and pulled up so that his legs were spread more and he was partially sitting up on his knees. One hand slid up to press into his lower back while the other pressed between his cheeks and ran up and down a moment searching for his entrance and pressing inside once he found it. Harry gasped at the feeling and immediately pressed himself down and back against it. It burned somewhat, but it wasn't a bad feeling enough to matter and he was anxious to get to the good part.

Severus moved his finger in and out of Harry while Harry buried his face in Severus's neck, inhaling his scent deeply and grimacing slightly at the discomfort as Severus pressed in a second finger. He focused on kissing and licking at Severus's neck, biting down hard when Severus inserted a third digit, pleased by the deep groan Severus let out. Harry hadn't been very sure about the whole biting thing at first, too afraid of hurting Severus, but he realized after a while that that was how Severus liked it. He moved his hips against the fingers, breathing deeply as he got used to the intrusion until he was moaning in pleasure as the feelings became less painful and more satisfying.

Harry ran his tongue soothingly over the bite mark and grasped the sheets on either side of his lover while Severus thrust his fingers deeply inside of him for a few moments before pulling them out and grasping his hips. Harry half expected Severus to flip them over, but he only shifted Harry around until he was hovering just above Severus's cock. Harry had never been fully confident in this position, but right now he was too eager to have his lover inside of him to care. He pushed himself up and reached down to grab Severus's cock and reached behind them to part one cheek so that he was better able to guide Severus to his entrance. Severus's hands continued to grasp his hips, holding him steady. The muscles in his legs twitched slightly and he felt a bit lightheaded, wondering how on earth he was going to keep this up if this continued. He was all too aware of Severus staring intently at him while he slowly sank down onto his hard cock.

It took a bit for Harry to get comfortable, grasping Severus while he slowly and steadily began to move, grateful that Severus kept his hands on him to help him along. When he felt a bit more secure in doing it, he sped up a bit and let himself look up at Severus, grinning when he saw that Severus was still watching him. It was the look he saw in his eyes that left him feeling breathless. A look of lust and pleasure, but more importantly, a look of complete and utter adoration, the same intense look of awe and love he had given him since his arrival and Harry didn't think he'd ever get enough of it.

Harry gasped and moaned deeply as Severus began to thrust up into him, pressing deeper and harder. "Fuck!" Harry moaned, moving more enthusiastically over his lover. Severus's fingers dug harder into his hips, pulling Harry down onto him as he thrust up again. Harry let him control them, finding that everything felt much better when Severus was in power of everything.

After a few minutes, Severus held him closer and tighter and flipped them over, still buried inside of Harry, pushing in even deeper when he settled Harry onto his back and pressed himself over him. Harry cried out loudly in pleasure and Severus pulled his legs over his shoulders as he leaned over him. "Ye_ssssssssssss_," Harry hissed. "Please…ye_ssssssss_!"

Words weren't necessary to express what both were feeling…Both desperate to make this last, despite what was going on in the world outside of them, how much time was now an issue with Voldemort in control of the Ministry. All they had right now was each other and they never wanted it to end. They held each other close, grasping at sweat-slicked skin, moaning loudly, staring into each other's eyes as they moved slowly together. The pleasure was intense, a more powerful feeling than either could ever remember feeling, growing with every deep thrust into Harry's body and every murmured beg or plea or declarations of love. Now and then, Severus would reach between them, stroking his aching cock firmly, bringing him close to the edge before leaving him there. It was teasing…torturous…but right now, Harry wouldn't have it any other way, wanting too badly for this to last, despite how desperate his body was for release.

It felt like they made love forever, time fully escaping them both in favor of enjoying themselves. Finally, Severus kissed him deeply, stroking him and not stopping until Harry's body arched against him, body tightening all around him as he cried out loudly in his pleasure as Severus continued thrusting into him, faster now, following closely after Harry.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

For a long time after, they just laid in each other's arms, never wanting to let go. Severus was certain that there was no more perfect being in all of the world, no moment so perfect, no _feeling_ so perfect. He pressed his lips to Harry's scar and trailed his fingers up and down Harry's spine slowly, smiling softly when Harry kissed his chest. He never wanted to leave here. He would have gladly traded his soul, if only to stay here forever. Hogwarts be dammed, nothing in this world mattered more than Harry. Bugger every promise he had made…Severus doubted he had the strength to leave him again.

He had to, though…He knew that, deep down…Despite every overwhelming desire of his heart, despite all of the misery he had suffered these past months without him…He had to do it. Harry seemed to know it, too. It wasn't long before both carried the disposition of two people dreading the future and eager to savor every last moment…by the way they held each other closer, the words they knew they needed to say on the tips of their tongue, held back _only a moment longer_, they both promised themselves…They held on longer than maybe they should have, but neither had it in them to regret the decision.

"I can't stay," Severus finally said. He couldn't quite manage to say _"I have to leave now."_

"I know," Harry said quietly, disappointment clear in his voice.

"We both have jobs to do," Severus reminded him, kissing the top of his head.

"Yeah…" Harry said, clearing his throat and shifting around a bit to look up into Severus's face. "Though…We should probably all…catch up on…_stuff_…before you go. Right?"

An excuse to stay longer, but they would take it. "Of course. We'll have to go see Draco and Granger about this, as well…They might need to know some of these things."

"Right," Harry said. They both sat up reluctantly and Harry offered a forced grin. "At least we can interrupt _their_ snogging as payback."

Severus snorted. "And if they're not _snogging_?" Severus muttered. He doubted _snogging_ would be enough for Draco, especially considering he and Harry had been up here.

Harry didn't take it like that, though. He just rolled his eyes. "C'mon, I'm sure they're wanting to make as much of their time together as we did. Let's go see if we can sneak that camera before they notice us."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **Okay so I so expected this chapter to be done sooner. But A.) I had work last night. B.) My little sister had a friend over and they both decided to become psycho…and considering my only computer access is in the living room where they are mostly being lunatics. And C.) I forgot how long sex scenes take me…not only are they long, but I keep getting distracted…aka I keep daydreaming about their sex instead of writing it like I should. Rofl.

Anyway, I hope that was okay for everyone! It's one of those things where I had to rearrange things in my chapter notes, so I hope it turned out okay!

Big thanks to my reviewers: black616, slytherinfighter2011, Anniriel, Alex, xXxElectraxXx, GalynSolo, da-blk-saiyangirl, SexciiLexi, Mia Tun, vampirexsama, Kaiya Sumeragi!

To black616: I dunno. I didn't hate it, but I had different ideas for how it would go, but it couldn't work out the way I had planned for it lol.

To Anniriel: I don't blame everyone for disliking her atm lol. I think it's mainly because of the problems she poses for our guys :P But that's okay lol…Anyway, I'm glad you like Harry's irritation with Kreacher and especially the letter…I never planned for it to happen, but I was suddenly inspired to add it in.

To Alex: I'm super glad you like it! I hope you keep reading and keep enjoying!

To xXxElectraxXx: I feel your pain over a broken laptop L Mine broke months ago and I've been stuck working on the desktop in the living room where everyone is and it's like grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I miss my lappy so much! Thankfully my dad is supposed to be getting me a new one on Christmas. As for Severus's task involving Orpheus…You'll just have to see where that one goes :P glad you're enjoying it.

To GalynSolo: I'm so glad you've been enjoying it! I hope you keep reading and I continue to produce good chapters that you'll like! Hoping to hear more from you J

To da-blk-saiyangirl: I'm glad you liked that part too J I loved writing it and I'm glad I could portray them in that way. Seemed so very them, lol.

To Mia Tun: as you can see, no Kreacher snogging :P rofl. YOU gave ME bad mental images with that :P thanks. Anyway, thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad you like it so much and I hope you continue to like it!

Chapter title lyrics from "Lexington (Joey Pea Pot With a Monkey Face) by Chiodos.


	71. She Never Wanted Me to Leave Her Behind

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_She Never Wanted Me to Leave Her Behind_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"_Accio camera_."

Neither Draco or Hermione noticed Harry and Severus as they appeared in the entrance of the living room, and not even when Harry Summoned the camera from where Draco had left it on an end table. Harry grinned as he caught it and turned it over in his hands. It was really old and bigger than most modern cameras and Harry had to wonder where he had kept it when he brought it in, or if Draco had merely found it lying around the house somewhere. He didn't spend much time thinking about that as he raised the camera and focused it on Draco and Hermione.

The pair was fully clothed and curled up at one end of the couch together. Hermione was pressed close to Draco's side, her legs draped over his, and their arms were wound tightly around each other. They were snogging, to no one's surprise, and Draco's hands were placed on Hermione's arse and her lower back. The were kissing each other like they might never have the chance again, a feeling Harry fully understood. He quickly began snapping several shots of them. It took several seconds before the couple realized something was wrong and Hermione gasped and pulled away from Draco, hastily grabbing his arms and pulling them off of her body and throwing her legs over his and putting her feet on the floor.

"Harry! Professor!" Hermione exclaimed, face burning red and she cleared her throat, sitting up straight.

"Was it good sex?" Draco asked.

"I do not believe that is any of your concern," Severus informed his godson, raising his eyebrow.

"The best," Harry said with a grin. Severus glared at him, but Harry just kept smiling and reached over to take his hand, leading him over to the loveseat that was across from the couch Hermione and Draco were seated on.

"We cannot stay much longer, Draco," Severus warned and Harry frowned at the reminder. Hermione and Draco's moods seemed to drop, as well. "Though I did consent to staying a while longer to satisfy the curiosities the Gryffindors are bound to have."

"We could probably do with some answers ourselves," Draco added with a nod.

"What have you two been doing this whole time, if not catching up?" Harry asked teasingly.

Draco grinned and Hermione's face burned bright red again…the pink had just been leaving them until now. "Harry James Potter, I do not believe that is any of your business!"

Harry just chuckled and glanced from Severus to Draco. "So…erm…Who wants to start?"

"What _do_ you both know?" Severus asked.

"Umm…Ministry overtaken by Vol…er…him," Harry said, sharp looks from everyone in the room reminding him that there was a Taboo on Voldemort's name. "That's really it, I think. We left when the Death Eaters crashed Percy and Penelope's wedding and haven't really heard much news other than that everyone we know is okay."

"The Dark Lord killed Scrimgeour," Draco explained. "Brought him to the manor and tortured him for a bit, demanding information about you. If he knew anything, he wasn't telling, so he killed him. Of course, he was marked for death anyway. The Dark Lord needed someone he could easily control as Minister for Magic. Bertram Yaxley had most of the department heads under an Imperius Curse, and they were the ones who brought Scrimgeour to us. Placed Pius Thicknesse as the new Minister."

Harry couldn't help but feel stunned by the news. They had killed Rufus Scrimgeour…Not really all that surprising, honestly, but…hearing that Scrimgeour had been tortured for information about him and his refusal to give anything away…It was really great of him, especially since Harry had never been on great terms with the man, what with Harry's constant refusal to Cornelius Fudge and Rufus Scrimgeour both to help make the Ministry of Magic look good. Harry really hadn't thought very highly of him when Scrimgeour had come along to give them the contents of Dumbledore's will.

"There are a lot of plans involving the imprisonment of Muggle-borns," Severus picked up. "Dolores Umbridge has resumed her role as undersecretary to the Minister and is also highly involved in the Muggle-Born Registration Commission. All Muggle-borns must register with the Ministry of Magic as a Muggle-Born and will be subjected to interrogations about how they 'stole' magic from other witches or wizards…It seems, to them, the perfect way of explaining why we have Squibs is because Muggles stole magic from them. Basically, all Muggle-borns are basically forced to go to the Ministry and go through a long trial that will, no matter what, end up with their imprisonment in Azkaban."

"What?" Hermione exclaimed. "That…That is ridiculous!"

"That's Vo…_him_," Harry said, rubbing his hands over his face.

"That is the most stupid-!" Hermione began ranting, even the comforting hand Draco lay on her leg not helping her much.

Severus cut in. "It is not meant to be rational or fair, Miss Granger. Purebloods have always been extremely prejudiced against Muggle-borns-"

"Not the Weasleys," Hermione cut in.

"_Most_ Purebloods, then," Severus said, glaring at her. Hermione seemed mollified. "The point is, they hate Muggle-borns and in the name of blood-purity they are determined to be rid of them all. I don't doubt that some, if not most, of them actually believe that Muggle-borns are responsible for the birth of Squibs. It would certainly pacify a great deal of proud Pureblooded families who have suffered the shame of birthing non-magical children. To those who do not actually believe such rubbish, it serves to make them feel superior to other beings, and it is that feeling of superiority and power that most crave. To them, the cost of another person's life is one they are willing to pay."

There was a tense silence that followed his words and Harry watched Hermione, who was worrying her lower lip. "So…What can we do about it?" he finally asked.

"You must contact some member of the Order and let them know what is happening," Severus explained. "There has not been much progress with the Muggle-Born Registration Commission yet, but it won't be long. A warning ahead of time will hopefully allow some to go into hiding. It won't be safe, but it's surely better than the torture Umbridge is sure to inflict upon them. Maybe create safe-houses or something of that nature. Aid any Muggle-borns they can. The new law just went through today or will very soon."

"Mr. Weasley said not to contact him because they were being watched," Hermione said. "Are they still? And if so, are there any others that are being watched? I would like to warn them, but not if it is only going to create more troubles."

"The Weasleys, Black, and Lupin are all very obvious choices…They are probably the ones the Dark Lord is most concerned with. The others, I doubt, will have such focus on them," Severus explained.

"Alright," Harry said. "What else is there?"

"With the Ministry under the Dark Lord's control, Hogwarts is under it, as well," Severus explained. Harry and Hermione's eyes grew wide and as Harry opened his mouth to speak, Severus hurried on. "They appointed me as headmaster," he admitted with a displeased frown. "He has also placed Amycus and Alecto Carrow as my Deputy Heads. Amycus will be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts while Alecto will be taking over Muggle Studies."

"Wait, what happened to Professor Burbage?" Hermione asked.

"She was killed," Severus explained. Draco gave Hermione's hand a light squeeze as she looked horrified by the news. "It will not be a safe place…Not at all. I have sworn to do all in my power to protect Hogwarts and its students, but I cannot do so at the price of losing my role. Albus Dumbledore made me swear that I would remain in his good graces until the end, and my placement as headmaster, at least, will give me some power to minimize the damage. But you must realize that the Carrows are just as fanatic and loyal servants to the Dark Lord as the Lestranges are. They are just as sadistic. Students _will _be hurt, even if I did everything in my power to stop them…even if I were willing to risk my part in all of this. Attendance is also compulsory for all eligible young witches and wizards. If any parents were aware of the dangers the upcoming term will provide, they will have little choice unless they wish to go to Azkaban or go into hiding."

Harry could do nothing but gape at Severus as he explained what was to become of Hogwarts. Hogwarts…the first real home he had ever had. Where he made his first real friends…fell in love…the setting of the majority of his good memories…It had barely sunk in that he would not be returning this year, and now learning that such a magical and wonderful place was now becoming a place to fear. Death Eaters terrorizing the corridors he had spent many days and nights traveling. Fellow students…people he had grown up with…were going to be tortured. _Hogwarts_…

"That…is awful!" Hermione managed to choke out.

Severus nodded grimly and Harry gave his hand a squeeze. His mind was racing, wanting to return to Hogwarts now…to do everything he could to help his friends. He also knew, though, that there was nothing he could do. They'd probably capture him the moment he set foot into the castle. Besides, the best way he could help anyone was by completing this mission and getting rid of Voldemort once and for all.

"Are you going back, Draco?" Hermione asked.

"Probably not," Draco said. "The Dark Lord doesn't really have much for me to do specifically, but I figure I can stick around my family and try to do what I can out in the world."

Hermione frowned. "You could probably do a lot of good at Hogwarts, too."

"But Hogwarts will _have_ people," Draco assured her. "Severus is going to do what he can…And you _know_ your fellow Gryffindorks will be up to no good. Nothing but foolhardy heroes in that House, isn't it?" he teased. "Besides, there won't be many people outside of Hogwarts with knowledge of what's going on from the inside, will there? With Severus there, I'm the only one who's with them who's not really _with_ them."

"Yes, but is there much you_ can _do?" Hermione asked.

Draco scoffed, apparently offended. "I can do _many_ things, Granger."

"As interesting as this argument is, we do have more yet to discuss," Severus cut in. "The point is is that no matter what he does, Draco will be of some use wherever he is and relatively safe."

"_Relatively_," Hermione repeated, shaking her head.

"That is the very best _anyone _can hope for these days," Severus said coldly.

"So is there anything else you have to do?" Harry cut in, not wanting to see anyone get more upset than they needed to be.

Severus tensed a bit and Harry raised his eyebrow in concern. Draco, too, looked uncomfortable. "The Dark Lord has given me one last task to complete before term begins…Something I should probably work on very soon," Severus explained. "He wants an old lover of mine, Orpheus Odell, to join him. He is very brilliant, which is why the Dark Lord wants him…And he wants me to attempt to recruit him. His brother, Oedipus, is already a Death Eater and they have a less than amicable history. I believe he hopes I can seduce him," Severus said, scoffing and rolling his eyes in a manner that said he fully believed it was a ridiculous idea that would not work.

Harry swallowed with great difficulty, sitting frozen beside his lover, just staring at him. His stomach churned at the thought of Severus having to _seduce_ someone…an old lover, at that. Harry wondered vaguely is this Orpheus Odell bloke was good looking…wishing all of a sudden that he knew more about Severus's romantic (or sexual?) history. His brain felt numb and he barely paid much mind as Hermione nervously began inquiring about Orpheus.

"Orpheus Odell…Isn't he the one that wrote that book…Oh, what was it? Oh yes, _To Tame a Sleeping Dragon_?"

"Tame a _sleeping_ dragon?" Draco asked incredulously.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "It's a book about magical psychology and even includes the incorporation of Muggle practices…He's written many articles and books about combining Wizarding and Muggle practices with various things. He has this whole philosophy that knowing to do particular things the way Muggles do them will make your magic in that area stronger…Like dueling, for instance. Someone who learns to fight in a very physical manner will better be able to perform defensive and offensive magic with more ease and skill. He is really quite brill…iant," she said, hesitantly finishing as she looked at Harry with some worry.

"Yes, that would be him," Severus said stiffly, eying Harry, as well. "His esteem for Muggles would make him a joke among Death Eaters, but there is no disregarding the man's genius."

Of course, the man would be an intellectual type…_brilliant_, they called him. Harry frowned deeply and tried hard to force away his insecurities. There were more important things to worry about than some bloke stealing Severus away. Harry finally turned to Severus and met his eyes a moment before reaching out to take his face and pulled it towards him, kissing him lovingly. "I don't care if you have to shag this bloke to keep You Know Who happy…Just…do whatever it takes to stay alive and remain in his favor, alright?"

Some powerful emotion flickered through Severus's black eyes, and Harry didn't quite know what it meant. Suddenly, though, Severus was kissing him deeply, grasping his face in his hands and holding him close and Harry let himself melt into his touch and swallowed every ounce of love Severus was pouring into him. Harry figured they should have been embarrassed by such an emotional display, but found it hard to feel any sort of shame the way he was feeling. Draco and Hermione had, at least, looked away tactfully, though Hermione couldn't quite disguise the sweet smile on her lips.

There was a small silence that fell over them as Severus and Harry broke apart…Everyone seemed unwilling to break it, to interrupt any thoughts or feelings circulating with such serious matters. But they had to and they all knew it.

"So what is it you two are up to, exactly?" Draco asked.

Harry and Hermione glanced at each other. Harry understood the plea in Hermione's gaze perfect…Harry himself wanted them to know…Maybe they could help? But Dumbledore had told him not to tell anyone…no one but Hermione.

What if Voldemort saw?

But Harry trusted them. He did…He trusted them both more than anything…and something of such importance. Surely they would do anything in their power to hide it? Harry glanced at Draco and then Severus and shifted around a bit into a more comfortable position. "If I tell you, no one else can know. No hints that you know…You especially can't let _him_ find out…it has to be a secret, at all costs. I was never supposed to tell anyone other than Hermione."

Draco nodded easily and Severus quirked an eyebrow, his expression schooled, but Harry could tell he was surprised. He obviously knew this was exactly what Dumbledore and Harry refused to tell him last year.

"We're looking for Horcruxes," Harry said. "Vol…_He_ made…six of them? Yeah…Split his soul into seven pieces killing people and put pieces of it into six objects. One was the diary…You remember, the one Ginny had her first year?" he said. "Then…there was a ring. It belonged to V…Tom Riddle's (that's his real name) grandfather…A Slytherin heirloom. Dumbledore destroyed that. Then at the end of last year…the night he died…Dumbledore and I went looking for another one…a locket that belonged to Slytherin. We got what was hidden there, but it turned out to be a fake," Harry explained. "Mundungus Fletcher apparently stole it from Kreacher so Kreacher's out looking for him now. Then…His snake, Nagini, is supposed to be one…We think he made one out of cups that belonged to Helga Huffelpuff…and then the last is supposed to be…erm…something from one of the other Founders, we think, but we don't really know what it is…We don't really know where to find the cup or the other one…or how to destroy them or anything…but we have to get rid of them all before I can kill V…Riddle."

"_Horcruxes_?" Draco repeated, gaping at him.

"That explains a great deal," Severus explained, rubbing his temples.

"Yes…Do either of you know much about them?" Hermione asked.

"Not a great deal," Severus said. "Horcruxes are very old, very dark, and very rare magic…I am almost surprised the Dark Lord managed to find enough information about them to create them."

"Hmm," Hermione said, sounding very disappointed. "You don't have any ideas of…any objects he might be hiding? Or things he holds very dear?"

"I do not believe so…Though I will attempt to pay more attention when I am around him…Try to speak with the others to discover what they know," Severus said.

"I will, too," Draco promised. "Erm…I dunno how we'll let you know…You'll stay here, right?"

"We'll try to," Harry promised.

"Okay…Well, then, if we find out anything we can always come back," Draco suggested.

"It would not be wise to return often, but if it is of importance, it would be alright, if done with extreme caution," Severus warned.

"Oh! What about the coins…I bet I could create new ones without much trouble…" Hermione began muttering, grabbing her wand and standing up, Summoning her coin purse.

The men all stared at her with great confusion until Harry finally understood what she meant and Draco seemed to follow shortly after. "I put a Protean Charm on fake Galleons fifth year to communicate with members of Dumbledore's Army," Hermione explained, noting Severus's confusion. She held the purse in her lap and winced a bit before Summoning some fake coins from the bottom, frowning when she heard all of the ruckus they made on their way out. "Shoot…I hope they didn't break anything," she muttered and caught them in her hands. "These are leftover from when I made the other ones…I got a bit more than we needed," she explained. "So all I have to do is link four of them together and we can communicate that way…A bit more dangerous than the ones fifth year. We'll have to use actual words instead of numbers, which can be an issue…but if no one's looking for them, I doubt…" Hermione trailed off and slid onto the floor, lining up four of the coins onto the coffee table and pointed her wand at them, muttering incantations under her breath, face screwed up in serious concentration.

"She'd put Rowena Ravenclaw to shame," Draco muttered fondly, reaching out to play with her long brown curls. Hermione didn't seem to notice and Draco didn't seem to care.

"I doubt anyone would scrutinize a Galleon enough to realize what they were," Severus said, watching Hermione work closely.

Harry grinned. "You _can_ look impressed, you know."

"I was inventing spells and potions when I was her age; a Protean Charm is hardly going to amaze me," Severus snorted.

"It's okay," Draco said with a grin. "He's in love with you and I don't think I've heard him say nice things about you, either."

Severus ignored him. "Is there anything else we should know about?"

"Erm…I don't think so," Harry said.

"What sort of supplies do you have?" Severus asked.

"Umm…I dunno. I let 'Mione go through your books, like you said, at the end of term," Harry said. "So I'm sure she has those…and the Potions textbook. Umm…Lots of potions, I think…You'd have to ask her, really…Oh…Dumbledore left us some stuff in his will…I dunno if it's anything useful, but…He left me the first Snitch I ever caught…Left 'Mione a Deluminator and some children's book…He also tried to leave me the Sword of Gryffindor, but they wouldn't let me have that."

"Of course not. Why give the Chosen One weapons that might aid him in the downfall of the Dark Lord?" Severus muttered sarcastically.

"Exactly!" Harry said, shaking his head. "I dunno, but not much we can do about that now. Just wish we knew what to do with them…The Deluminator seems kind of useful, I think. 'Mione says something might be in the Snitch, but that isn't doing us much good since I can't open it. It just says _I open at the close_, whatever that means."

Draco and Severus both wore the same looks of deep thought. Harry noticed the moment a knowing flash passed through Severus's eyes and sat up straight. Severus looked a bit pale and disturbed now and that worried him. "What? What's it mean?"

Severus looked momentarily frustrated before sitting up straight. "I am not certain, but I believe it might mean it will only open…at the end. Right before you are to defeat the Dark Lord."

"Oh," Harry said, wrinkling his nose. "That's a bit barmy, isn't it? Wouldn't it be better to have it _now_ so we can figure out how to make use of it?" It didn't make sense for him to only have whatever it was right before he had to face Voldemort. "Then there's the matter of Hermione's children's book."

"Done!" Hermione said happily, picking up the coins and examining them happily before handing one to Draco and reaching across the table to hand one to Harry and Severus both.

"What book is it?" Severus asked.

"What's what book?" Hermione asked.

"The one Dumbledore left you," Harry replied.

"Oh, _The Tales of Beedle the Bard_," Hermione said. "It's written in ancient runes, so I figured I could try deciphering them soon. Did you want to look at it?"

"No, I doubt we have time to thoroughly examine it," Severus said. "Tell me, what sorts of supplies do you have for this mission of yours?"

Hermione went on to explain everything she had packed in her coin purse…Every book, every potion, every magical artifact, _everything_. Harry found it hard to pay attention to their discussion as Severus pointed out the usefulness of each item Hermione listed. Draco, too, seemed to find it difficult to pay much attention. He was probably as smart as Severus and Hermione, but didn't seem to find the attraction to particular things the way the other two did. They instead Summoned the camera midway through the conversation and magically developed the pictures that had been taken.

"You have done very well, Miss Granger. I was prepared to collect anything you might need and bring them when I could, but it seems you have everything one could think to use. I believe you should be well prepared for most things you could come across," Severus praised and Harry couldn't help but feel pleased with the way Hermione beamed at him. It only succeeded in making Severus very uncomfortable, though Harry had a feeling only he and Draco knew him well enough to notice and Harry gave his leg an encouraging squeeze.

"Thank you, Professor," Hermione said. "I had hoped I had gotten everything…I didn't want to be unprepared for anything, though I think it would be almost impossible to really be equipped for any and everything."

"Indeed," Severus said with a nod.

Harry grinned and held the three pictures Draco had taken of them in his hands, all moving, and all involving the very passionate kiss the two had shared in the entrance of the house. He held them up for Severus to see. "Think it'd be safe for you to take one?"

"I doubt anyone would be digging through my belongings, but on the off chance that they do, I am positive I can find a place to keep it safe," Severus said, taking one of the pictures from Harry.

"As rude as it was for you _both_ to do," Hermione said, glaring from Harry to Draco, "I am glad you took the pictures. They'll be good to keep."

"You need _something_ to remember me by, in case Potter gets too handsy at night," Draco said teasingly.

"You should know better!" Hermione snapped, face turning pink. "Harry and I would never cheat on a significant other!"

"I was just teasing…Couldn't help it, after all those snogging reminders, earlier," Draco chuckled. "You know the question Potter asked me when I showed up, Severus? Asked me who I kissed in the Three Broomsticks on Valentine's Day fifth year? Quite a clever way of letting Hermione know I snogged a bloke once." Draco was grinning, despite Severus's glare at the reminder.

"We figured Hermione couldn't get too upset since she's snogged me before, more than once," Harry added, trying to keep himself from laughing, though it was hard when Severus's glare got deeper.

"You two stop it!" Hermione scolded, face horribly pink by now as she glared at them both, as well.

"What?" Draco asked innocently. "At least we're not snogging him _now_."

"You better not snog Harry now," Hermione said.

"_You_ better not snog him when we leave," Draco said.

"Don't I get a choice in the matter?" Harry asked jokingly. "Honestly, I'd rather not snog either of you…You weren't that good, anyway," Harry added with a glance at Severus.

"Don't go there, Potter. Kissing me assured you that you were gay, didn't it?" Draco reminded him.

"It was better than kissing Cho," Harry said.

"Oh stop it…Professor Snape looks like he might hex one of us at any moment," Hermione said, trying not to smile.

"I believe it is time Draco and I took our leave," Severus said.

Harry's heart dropped. "No…Severus, we were just messing around…We don't have to-"

"It's not about that," Severus said irritably. "If that was, I'd merely Langlock you both. We have simply been here a long time…It is not wise to linger for such a time."

"Oh," Harry said in disappointment, feeling suddenly more miserable than he had felt before Severus's arrival. It felt almost like a Dementor was in the room, sucking every last bit of joy from him.

"Let's just…look at it as encouragement to…to find all of the Horcruxes as soon as possible," Hermione said bravely, standing up and tugging Draco to his feet while Severus did the same with Harry.

Draco and Hermione stayed by the couch, holding hands for a moment before pulling each other close. Hermione blinked rapidly as tears filled her eyes, struggling to keep them in while Draco kissed the top of her head, looking as though he himself was struggling with his emotions. Harry noticed the way Hermione's body trembled as he watched them while Severus held his hand and led him away from the sitting room, moving out of the doorway and just a few steps to the side to where they would not be seen before stopping.

"This is for the best," Severus told him.

"I know."

"Draco and I will do all in our power to help you and Gr…Miss Granger," Severus vowed. "We will do all that we can to protect innocent people…Just don't think too badly if we are forced to do something less than admirable."

"I understand," Harry said. "You need to stay safe…Won't do any good if you lose your whole…act or whatever you call it."

"Yes," Severus agreed. "You cannot give up…no matter what."

"I won't," Harry laughed shakily. "Not really in my nature, is it? S'what makes me a foolish Gryffindor."

"And one of many reasons why I love you," Severus in a whisper so quiet, Harry wasn't sure if he was even supposed to hear it. He closed his eyes as Severus brushed his hair out of his face and pressed his lips against his scar. Harry closed his eyes, feeling tears burning beneath his lids…His throat burned and his jaw clenched and he felt as though something very large and strong was crumbling inside of him. He felt like his heart and soul were being ripped away from him and he grasped Severus's sides hard, wishing he could do _something _to make him stay.

"You'll come see me again…eventually?" Harry asked, hating how his voice trembled.

"I will do my very best to return to you," Severus promised.

Harry nodded and leaned forward, pressing his lips to Severus's chest, enjoying the comfort of Severus's warmth and the feel of skilled fingers rubbing soothingly up and down his back. Harry breathed in the scent of his lover deeply, hoping to commit it to memory. He still smelled of their lovemaking…a hint of lemons…the faint smell of potion fumes…he caught a weak sniff of cinnamon, too, he thought.

He had been without love for so long…had already lost too many people he cared about…But that was exactly why they had to part, Harry reminded himself. He cared about more people than Severus, and Severus himself would never truly be safe until Voldemort was gone. How wonderful today had been made it hard to part, even knowing how important it was for them to do so. It was the only thought…the only thing at all that could make it possible for him to let Severus go.

"Harry," Severus whispered.

The shift of Severus's body let Harry know to look up at his lover. He half expected Severus to say more, but was pleased when he didn't…Instead, Severus just looked into his eyes and stroked his cheek and his neck before sliding both hands down to grasp Harry's, linking their fingers together.

"I love you, Harry," Severus whispered after an eternity.

"I love you, too, Severus," Harry said.

When Severus leaned down to kiss him, he knew it was goodbye. He held onto the meeting of their lips as long as he could, struggling to hold back his tears and his sobs, not wanting to cut it short. He grasped Severus desperately and was happy when Severus returned the embrace. He dug his fingers into Severus's unusually soft, clean hair and gripped it tightly. His heart was shattering into a million pieces and screaming at him _No! Stop!_ Everything in him was pleading, begging Severus to stay, though Harry refused to let the words leave his lips. He kissed Severus deeply and held on for dear life.

It was Severus who had to pull away…breaking the contact of their mouths and running his nose along Harry's jaw before burying his face in Harry's neck, breathing in deeply and pressing his lips there softly. Harry swallowed hard, unable to stop the tears from flowing now. He felt like he could scream out in his agony, but did not. There was no reason to make a scene. It would stop nothing…and even if he could make Severus stay with loud displays of his anguish, he knew he wouldn't…couldn't do that to either of them. Harry could have sworn he felt a bit of warm wetness against his skin and grasped Severus harder, his heart thudding painfully in his chest, growing stronger at the thought of his composed and strong Severus shedding any tears for him.

They held each other close only a moment that seemed to go on forever while it lasted, and seemed too short and like it had barely been enough the time it ended.

"Draco!" Severus called out.

Severus remained close, but it was too painful to hold each other again…Maybe he was afraid he might never let go if he did embrace Harry once more. It was a tempting enough thought, but Harry didn't let himself do it. They waited, staring at one another until Draco and Hermione walked in, hand in hand. Harry didn't spare them a glance, only noting their presence in his peripheral vision.

"Goodbye, Harry," Severus said quietly, leaning forward and brushing his lips against Harry's softly one last time before he and Draco walked to the door.

And left.

For several long minutes, they stood there and stared at the door. Finally, Harry turned to look at Hermione. She stood there, trembling…Her face was blotchy and tear-stained, eyes bloodshot, hair a tangled mess. Harry could imagine Draco running his fingers through it a million times to get it in such an unruly state.

"Mione," Harry said quietly.

Hermione turned to him, her face breaking as she did so. Harry opened his arms and Hermione flew into them gladly, grasping him hard as she let herself really cry. Harry held her close and slid down to the floor with her in his arms and buried his face in her thick hair, letting the tears come and his own heartbreaking sobs mingling with Hermione's. They both ignored Mrs. Black's wailing as she was disturbed. They barely even noticed her.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **So I made myself cry. Is that bad? Tell me I'm not the only one lol. Anyway, there it is! Another chapter that didn't go as I planned, but I actually like how it turned out.

A warning, I ended up moving something in my outline from this chpater to the next, because I didn't want anything other than the interaction between Severus, Harry, Hermione, and Draco…So I have a feeling the next chapter will be longer (though every time I say the chapter will be up by tonight or will take a few days or anything I say about the following chapter, it turns out not to be true, so I won't say definitely) and it might take me longer than day to get it done. Just a warning!

Big thanks to my reviewers: slytherinfighter2011, Serpent91, xXxElectraxXx, Anniriel, vampirexsama, SexciiLexi, Kaiya Sumeragi, SevLoverKat, Belladonna1185, and Sonicgirl582!

To Anniriel: I'm glad you liked it! In the original outline of the story, I ended up killing Sirius so I didn't think of particular things, and it just came to me while I was writing lol!

To SevLoverKat: I believe I have 24 more chapters to write J

To Belladonna1185: glad you're enjoying it so much!

Chapter title lyrics from "Notes in Constellations" by Chiodos. I listened to it a lot while writing this chapter and suggest anyone who hasn't heard it, do so! It's a really great song…Sad, but good J


	72. It's the End of All You've Known

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_It's the End of All You've Known_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Severus found himself in a grouchier state than usual the days following his departure from Harry. He managed to speak with all of the workers at Hogwarts at least once during that time, most of them much the same as his run in with Minerva. They hated him, but most held their tongues, and if they had something to say to start with, they were usually more respectful once he reminded him that they were their only hope for the students of Hogwarts. He set up ground rules with the Carrows, encouraging them to come to him before dolling out punishments, though Severus had a feeling they weren't going to be very inclined to listen. He also spent a great deal of time planning what to do about his task regarding Orpheus Odell.

He knew it was better to do sooner rather than later, or he'd just keep putting it off. Despite Harry agreeing that Severus would have to do whatever he had to, he was not looking forward to seeing how far he _would_ have to go with Orpheus. He didn't want anyone but Harry…He didn't want to taint his memories of his time with Harry with the touch of another. Severus doubted Orpheus would let things go that far, but one never knew…It had been a good few years since he had last seen Orpheus and Severus had come to know how foolish it was to not expect the very worst…Assuming the best never did anyone much good.

No amount of preparation made it easy to leave Hogwarts and head to Ottery St. Catchpole to the tiny house Orpheus occupied. It was a modest home, but Orpheus had never felt the need to have much. His lawn was pristine, but for the blackened bushes along one side of the house that looked to be a failed Herbology experiment. Even great minds and skilled hands could make mistakes. The pale yellow of the house seemed to have faded into a dirty white color, though the door seemed to have gotten a paintjob…its red seemed brighter now than Severus last remembered. It was an offensively Gryffindor red, considering the man had been in Ravenclaw.

Severus strode up to the door and knocked loudly, eager to be done with this task now that he was here. It was a long minute before the door opened to a very exhausted and surprised Orpheus Odell. Not much had changed these past eight years. He was almost the same man Severus remembered, though perhaps a bit healthier in his weight and a bit more gray streaked through his dark auburn hair, still as short and neatly cut as ever. There was the same cleanly shaven face, the same warm honey colored eyes, the same dark circles beneath them that told of countless sleepless nights slaving over a new potion or spell or new writings or whatever new project Orpheus had dedicated himself to. He still wasn't as handsome as his younger brother, though his warm instead of arrogant smile made him a more appealing candidate for a friend or lover than Oedipus would ever be.

"Severus," Orpheus said, stunned.

"Orpheus," Severus said with a nod. "May I come in?"

"Of course," Orpheus said, eying him suspiciously as he stepped back to let Severus in.

"No safety measures?" Severus inquired, slowly stepping inside, keeping his hand near where his wand resided in his robes, just in case.

"If you were an enemy, you would have had a hard time getting past my wards and staying within them," Orpheus said, waving him off.

"Over confident," Severus muttered, though perhaps Orpheus had every right to be. He was tempted to ask Orpheus about his apparently astounding wards, if they were strong enough that he didn't have to worry about asking questions to every person who knocked on his door, making sure it was a friend instead of a foe.

"Why are you here?" Orpheus asked.

"And blunt," Severus said. "Very well. The Dark Lord wants you. He is aware of your intelligence and would like to make use of you."

"And you're the recruitment committee?" Orpheus asked.

"He hopes for me to seduce you," Severus said.

Orpheus raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"My direct orders were to recruit you by any means necessary, but it was certainly implied," Severus assured him.

"Hmm," Orpheus said. "Well, before you start trying to charm your way into my pants, I should let you know, it's not going to work."

"I thought not," Severus said, not letting his great relief present itself in his voice. "It would probably do well for you to go into hiding. The Dark Lord is not kind to those who repeatedly refuse his…_offers_…if you will remember what he did to the Potters and the Longbottoms."

"I remember," Orpheus said with a frown. "And you came here to warn me?"

"I came here because I was ordered to do so…To not even make an attempt would anger the Dark Lord greatly, and I have no wishes of an early death. I did, at least, think it fair to alert you to what is coming," Severus said.

"Huh," Orpheus said, looking at Severus as though trying to make up his mind about him. "I heard you killed Dumbledore."

"My allegiances are a complicated matter. I'm hoping I can trust you enough to not get me into much trouble," Severus said. It was always a gamble to make others aware of where he stood at all, but he felt he could count on Orpheus. He did not have many choices, and he had a feeling coming clean to Orpheus would do everyone a lot more good than harm.

"I don't care much for gossip," was Orpheus's agreement. "I do suppose you'll need to make some attempt to…show him?"

"I would appreciate it," Severus said with a nod.

Orpheus shrugged. "Come in, then. Might as well catch up…You can try to kiss me or something and I can push you away like some scandalized virgin and be done with it."

This was going a lot better than expected. Severus was too smart to just accept that this was it, but he would be glad if it was. He followed Orpheus into his small sitting room and placed himself in on an old sofa while Orpheus folded up the latest issue of _The Daily Prophet_ and set it aside before sitting beside Severus, a comfortable distance away.

"I hear you've been named Headmaster of Hogwarts…A congratulations are in order," Orpheus remarked.

They spoke longer than Severus expected. What he hoped would take an hour, at most, ended up becoming a three and a half hour conversation catching up in one another's lives. Orpheus was in the process of writing a very long and bound to be controversial article for _The Quibbler_ about how ridiculous the idea was of Muggles stealing magic from wizards and the phenomenon of Muggle-borns and Squibs was unexplainable…That one was either born with or without magic and that if magic _could_ be stolen from one being, he doubted Muggles had the proper equipment to do such a thing. The Muggle-Born Registration Commission had not even been in affect long, but Orpheus seemed to know all of the details. He was apparently also attempting to perfect the growth of Moon Roses: roses with silver petals and pale yellow stems that could only be grown in moonlight and were very sensitive to sunlight. They had very strong magical qualities that would be especially useful in healing potions, but he was still searching for a good enough way to protect them from sunlight. In the process of finding a way to grow them with a defense-mechanism against damaging light, he had discovered a very interesting Blue Rose (roses with pale blue-violet petals and silver stems) that he was, at the moment, still studying. Orpheus even allowed Severus to view his notes and agreed to let Severus take a few of the Blue Roses home with him to see what he could do with them.

From Orpheus's discoveries, Severus confided in Orpheus his lack of time to do many things, but his interest in developing a potion that would allow homosexual couples to reproduce, as requested by Septima Vector's sister and practically sister-in-law. It was a subject Orpheus was greatly interested in, being a homosexual man with a great desire to have children one day. "It is one of their biggest arguments, that we cannot reproduce," Orpheus commented. "Imagine what would happen if we _could_! What excuses would they have then to despise us? I imagine they still would, but it could possibly do us a great deal of good, I think."

It was a great change, having such an inventive and intellectual mind to discuss things with. There was no spark between Severus and Orpheus…Severus didn't think there ever really had been…but he did enjoy talking with the man and had almost forgotten how nice it was to have such a conversation with a human being. He had a feeling he and Orpheus could aid each other a great deal if given the opportunity to speak more with one another about their ideas. Severus was tempted to keep contact, but reminded himself that Orpheus would have to go into hiding to protect himself. Eventually he gathered the roses Orpheus gave him and reluctantly reached out to slide his hand up Orpheus's thigh, leaning in to kiss him.

Luckily, Orpheus didn't even allow that. A strong hand pushed him away before their lips could meet. "There may not be very many homosexual men in the world, Severus, but we are not going to use each other because we are all the other can find," Orpheus said coldly.

"Come now, Orpheus," Severus said, using his most seductive tone. Orpheus stiffened and shifted where he sat a bit…Severus longed to see Harry's green eyes darkened in lust, his young body trembling at his touch…at his voice alone, even. He found himself suddenly hit by the cold, empty feeling that had resided in him since leaving Harry.

"No," Orpheus said harshly. "I will not be used…I know what you're here for…Just…go! Go and don't come back!"

"Or-"

"Get _out_!" Orpheus snapped, raising his wand threateningly. Severus raised his hands in surrender and slowly slid to his feet, glowering at Orpheus for show.

"You will regret this," Severus vowed, turning and sweeping out of the house. He was midway down the path that led outside of the house's wards when he heard the door open behind him.

"One day, when this is all over, we should talk again. I do miss our conversations, Severus," Orpheus said.

"I am stunned that someone of your arrogant skill would admit to enjoying the company of another. One would think you assumed you were the only person with brains," was Severus's sarcastic reply.

Orpheus just grinned. "Tell me…Have you found someone?"

Severus quirked an eyebrow.

Orpheus chuckled. "It's been eight years…I am merely curious."

Severus paused a moment and considered the question. "There is someone…But it is too complicated to explain and too dangerous to even try to."

Orpheus nodded. "Well, I wish you both well. Goodbye, Severus…It was good to see you."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

While Severus met with Orpheus, Harry and Hermione spent their days at Grimmauld Place awaiting Kreacher's return. Harry had had some strong hope that since Kreacher had been able to escape a lake full of Inferi, that hunting down Mundungus Fletcher should be no problem, and was a bit disappointed when days went by with no sign of the house elf. Harry and Hermione spent their days watching the Death Eaters outside of the house and pouring over the books Hermione had brought with her, anything on Dark Magic in hopes of finding _something_ about Horcruxes that others could have missed.

Harry was pretty sure it was all useless and figured they would be able to figure out more once they had an actual Horcrux in their presence. He took a long shower, hoping to clear his mind and failing miserably…He was starting to get a migraine, thinking about all of this so much, and decided he needed to ask Hermione if she had a potion for it when he got out. Or if she had any mood-enhancers…The more he thought about things the more frustrated he got and the more hopeless it all began to feel.

"_You cannot give up…no matter what,"_ he could hear Severus telling him.

"_I won't. Not really in my nature, is it? S'what makes me a foolish Gryffindor."_

"_And one of the many reasons why I love you."_

Somehow, that was enough to chase away most of his more negative thoughts. It came at the price, though, of that awful ache in his heart that seemed to appear every time he thought about Severus. He could barely stand it…Remembering his touch…Recalling their goodbye…and imagining what Severus was up to…Imagining him going over this Orpheus Odell bloke. He had suffered a bad enough nightmare of that the night Severus left. He imagined a man with the Malfoys good looks and Hermione Granger's brains, someone who was so perfect for Severus it made him sick. Just imagining Severus touching anyone else, even if they weren't stunningly handsome, made him regret ever telling Severus to go ahead and do it. _"I don't care if you have to shag this bloke to keep You Know Who happy…"_

It was for the best, he reminded himself. He couldn't go getting jealous…couldn't be angry with Severus if he did do something…His life was on the line. The man had been risking his life for years for this cause. He couldn't ask him to spare his feelings when it could very well put his safety in jeopardy. He loved Severus too much and would rather have him alive in someone else's arms than dead and gone from him forever.

Harry didn't let his thoughts get away with him too much and took himself out of the shower when he was in danger of thinking too much. He dried off and dressed quickly, walking downstairs to the smell of Hermione cooking up some lunch. Halfway down the flight of stairs into the hall, however, he heard a tap on the front door and then metallic clicks and the grinding of the chain. Immediately, every nerve in his body tautened and he stared in the direction of the entrance sharply. He pulled out his wand and moved into the shadows beside the decapitated elf heads and waited.

He saw a glimpse of the lamplit square outside and a cloaked figure edged into the hall and closed the door behind it. The intruder took a step forward and Harry moved closer, pointing his wand firmly in the direction of the trespasser. "Don't move!"

He had forgotten about the portrait of Walburga Black. At the sound of his yell, the curtains hiding her flew open and she began to scream. "_Mudbloods and filth dishonoring my house_-"

Hermione came running out from the kitchen and stopped at the bottom of the staircase near Harry, her wand raised and pointing, like his, at the unknown man now standing with his arms raised in the hall below.

"Hold your fire! It's me, Remus!"

"Oh, thank goodness," Hermione said weakly, pointing her wand at Mrs. Black instead. With a bang, the curtains swished shut again and silence fell. Harry did not lower his wand.

"Show yourself!" he called back.

Remus moved forward into the lamplight, hands still held high in a gesture of surrender. "I am Remus John Lupin, werewolf, sometimes known as Moony, one of the four creators of the Marauder's Map, married to Nymphadora, usually known as Tonks, and I taught you how to produce a Patronus, Harry, which takes the form of a stag."

"And I," said another voice, causing Harry to jump, as he hadn't known someone else had entered the house, "am Sirius Black, the third, very grateful to Hermione for shutting up my awful mother and who has been trailing his arse for days."

"Oh alright," Harry said, lowering his wand and blinking in surprise. "Had to make sure, didn't I?"

Remus glanced over his shoulder in irritation as Sirius, grinning, came up to stand beside him. "Speaking as your ex Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, I quite agree that you had to check. Hermione, you shouldn't be so quick to lower your defenses…Though I believe you should question this one further," he said, nodding to Sirius.

"Ah, alright," Sirius said. "I am Padfoot…I turn into a dog…I would also very much like to rest," he said, clapping Remus on the back.

"What happened to the wards?" Remus asked, glancing back with a frown.

"Er," Harry said.

"We dunno, really. We thought Mad Eye Moody said the Order had put up protections, but we didn't notice anything when we came in…We figured it would have just come out if Death Eaters showed up," Hermione quickly jumped in, lying effortlessly.

"Hmm…We should check that out…It isn't safe to be here, let alone with the wards down," Remus said. Sirius, as well, turned solemn and raised his own wand, the two men working on checking the wards while Harry and Hermione glanced at each other in a panic.

"What are you two doing here?" Hermione asked.

"Is everyone okay?" Harry asked.

"Yes, but we're all being watched," Remus said. "There are a couple of Death Eaters in the square outside."

Once Remus and Sirius checked the wards, they concluded that they had been removed, but only assumed that Severus must have done it, or another very powerful wizard or witch. They put a few of the wards back up, but weren't sure how to replicate them all. Finally, they retired to the kitchen where Hermione lit a fire and prepared more food. Remus and Sirius seemed interested in what had happened to Harry and Hermione when they left the Burrow and then informed them of what was going on in the outside world. They both had to pretend to be interested and act shocked and horrified in the right places, though Severus and Draco had already told them everything. They did, at least, provide some information that Severus and Draco hadn't offered…That Harry was wanted for the questioning about the death of Albus Dumbledore. It was disturbing and Harry had never really thought before now that not many people knew what took place in the tower that night.

"_How could you?"_ he had demanded, so hurt and betrayed and angry with Severus. He could still see Dumbledore's body falling, as if in slow motion.

"_I had to. He asked me to."_

"_He asked you to kill him?"_

"_I love you, Harry."_

He blinked away the images and tried to focus on Remus and Sirius, though he could still hear his lover's voice echoing in his head. Severus had wanted everyone to know it was him, to give up the playing double agent…had to allow the Order and Harry to lose complete faith in him. Now it seemed only they knew the truth. Voldemort wanted to use Harry to create more confusion, more fear, and to make good excuses for his Death Eaters to go about with their brutally cruel behavior.

"I'll understand if you can't confirm this," Remus was saying, "but the Order is under the impression that Dumbledore left you a mission."

"He did," Harry replied. "Hermione is in on it and she's coming with me."

"Can you confide in me what the mission is?"

Surely he could? He had told Severus and Draco, probably two of the people Dumbledore would have wanted him to tell the least, because of their connection with Voldemort. He had done it, knowing that he wasn't supposed to…Yet looking between the two men who sat before him…Harry didn't quite feel it was right. Not as right as it had seemed when Severus and Draco had been here.

"I can't, Remus, I'm sorry. If Dumbledore didn't tell you, I don't think I can."

"I thought you'd say that," Remus said, looking disappointed.

"We could still be of use to you, though, can't we?" Sirius asked and Remus brightened up at the mention of it. "You know what I am…what we are…and what we can do. We could be protection, can't we, Moony?"

"Exactly," Remus said, looking pleased, but a bit wary with Sirius. "There would be no need to tell us what you were up to."

Harry hesitated. It was a tempting offer…He'd have his godfather here…and Remus. His dad's best mates…practically fathers to him with his own dad dead. Though how they could keep their mission a secret if Sirius and Remus were around all of the time…Maybe they could think of something…

Hermione looked puzzled. "But what about Tonks?"

"What about her?" said Remus. Both Remus and Sirius seemed uncomfortable by the mention of the new Mrs. Lupin.

"Well," Hermione said frowning. "You're married! How does she feel about you going away with us?"

"Tonks will be perfectly safe," Remus said. "She'll be at her parents' house."

There was something strange about Remus's tone. It was almost cold. It was also a bit odd, the idea of Tonks hiding out with her parents. She was an Auror and a member of the Order of the Phoenix. She would want to be in the thick of the action…She certainly seemed like that kind of witch, didn't she? Harry looked from Remus's defiant expression to the way that Sirius was looking away uncomfortably and frowned, too.

"R-" Hermione started to say, but Sirius started talking and cut her off.

"She's with child," Sirius said, something odd about his voice, too, though he tried to keep it filled with humor. "Or pup, really."

"Oh how wonderful!" Hermione said.

"Congratulations," Harry said.

"So do you accept my offer?" Remus asked with an artificial smile.

"_Our_ offer," Sirius corrected.

"Just-just to be clear," he said. "You want to leave Tonks at her parents' house and come away with us?"

"She'll be perfectly safe there, they'll look after her," Remus said.

"'Dromeda's right excited about having a grandchild. She and Ted will do all they can for Tonks and the baby," Sirius assured them with an excited grin.

"Harry, I'm sure James would have wanted me…us…to stick with you," Remus said.

"Well," Harry said slowly. "I'm not. I'm pretty sure my father would have wanted to know why you aren't sticking with your own kid, actually."

Remus's face drained of all color. Sirius frowned and looked everywhere around the room and not looking at anyone in particular. Hermione's eyes swiveled back and forth between Harry and Remus.

"Harry," Sirius said gently after a moment.

"You don't understand," Remus interrupted.

"Explain then," Harry said.

Remus swallowed. "I…I made a grave mistake in marrying Tonks. I did it against my better judgment and I have regretted it very much ever since."

"I see," said Harry. "So you're just going to dump her and the kid and run off with us?"

Remus went on a long winded rant about how he had done nothing but ruin the life of his wife and his unborn child. He went on about what the world thought of _creatures like him_ and how he had made them outcasts. He went on and on desperately…tone pleading with them to understand, but to Harry it sounded like nothing more than excuses.

"-if by some miracle it is not like me, then it will be better off, a hundred times so, without a father of whom it must always be ashamed!"

"Remus!" whispered Hermione, tears in her eyes. "Don't say that-how could any child be ashamed of you?"

"Oh, I don't know, Hermione," said Harry. "I'd be pretty ashamed of him."

Harry did not know where this rage was coming from, but it had propelled him to his feet now. Remus looked as though Harry had hit him and it pleased Harry in a way.

"Harry," Sirius said in a warning tone.

"If the new regime thinks Muggle-borns are bad, what will they do to a half-werewolf whose father's in the Order?" Harry demanded. "My father died trying to protect my mother and me and you reckon he'd tell you to abandon your kid to go on an adventure with us?"

"Harry-how dare you?" said Remus. "This is not about a desire for-for danger or personal glory-how dare you suggest such a -"

"I'd have never believed this," Harry spat. "The man who taught me to fight dementors…a coward."

Remus drew his wand so fast that Harry had barely reached for his own. There was a loud bang and he felt himself flying backward as if punched. As he slammed into the kitchen wall and slid to the floor, he glimpsed the tail of Remus's cloak disappearing around the door.

"Remus! Remus, come back!" Hermione cried, but Remus did not respond. Sirius sighed heavily and moved from the couch, reaching out to help Harry to his feet. A moment later they heard the door slam.

"Harry!" wailed Hermione. "How could you?"

"It was easy," snapped Harry, pulling out of Sirius's grasp. "_Parents_…shouldn't leave their kids….unless….unless they've got to."

"Harry," Hermione said, stretching out a consoling hand, but Harry shrugged it off and walked away.

"You're right," Sirius said quietly after a few long, silent seconds. "Your mum…Lily…she would have hexed him good for that. Fussed him until we were all trembling with fear," he said, laughing shakily. "And James…Well…your dad would have set him right. Like me, he might have gotten caught up in the adventure, but…but in the end…he wouldn't approve of Remus abandoning his kid. Probably would have been nicer about it, but…you're a lot like Lily, you are. I doubt he'd have listened any other way."

"Thanks," Harry said stiffly, feeling his anger melting away and not quite sure how to feel. He felt…some remorse. Some indignant need to hold onto his stance. Exhaustion.

"I should…I should go after him," Sirius said sadly after a moment. "Unless you need me to stay?"

"No…We'll be fine. You'll both be better off helping the Order, anyway," Harry said with a nod, turning to his godfather.

"Alright," Sirius said, extending his arms. Harry just stared at him for a moment before stepping into the embrace and hugging his godfather tightly. He had missed him a lot and honestly wished he could stick around. It would have been really nice to have both Sirius and Remus in the house, lightening the mood when it all became too much…Getting to know each other better, spending time with men who were practically family…Family he had never had enough time with.

"I'll drop by now and then…See if I can offer any help down the road," Sirius promised. He ruffled Harry's hair playfully before bidding them goodbye and leaving. It wasn't as hard as Severus's departure had been, but he could feel a bit emptier inside with yet another person gone.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Severus had been so caught up in talking with Orpheus, he had gotten back to the castle with barely any time to spare before the staff meeting that Albus had suggest he hold. He managed to quickly create the solution Orpheus had given him to put the Blue Roses in…Lukewarm water with small bits of slug slime, salamander blood, and flobberworm mucus. It took a bit of stirring for it to mix properly. It was slightly thicker than water and looked very dirty, but it looked much the way Orpheus assured him it should. It would be enough to keep the Blue Roses alive after being cut, and they would be best if kept in dimly lit places. He left them in a cup on the desk he had recently set up in his rooms under lamplight and changed into his usual black robes before heading off to the staff room.

Everyone was already waiting when he arrived. Every head turned in his direction. Closest to the door where he stood was Aurora Sinistra who sat tall, but couldn't quite look him in the eye. False defiance and fear. Across from her sat Sibyll Trelawney who was glaring at him in a knowing manner…That same look she gave everyone, as though she knew everything about them. Firenze looked calm and unbothered, unlike most people, and stood a bit behind the others, nearest to Sibyll. Horace Slughorn seemed anxious and eyed him with equal amounts hatred, equal amounts fear. Cuthbert Binns was as dull as ever and seemed to have more interest in the wall than anyone or anything else. Severus was surprised the ghost had come by at all. His old friend was staring at him with a mix of emotions displayed on her face: confusion, uncertainty, fear, frustration, sympathy…He could barely look at Septima Vector…Did not want to retain any hope that their friendship might survive this year. Minerva McGonagall, Filius Flitwick, Pomona Sprout, Bathsheba Babbling, Rolanda Hooch, Rubeus Hagrid, and Poppy Pomfrey were all glowering at him with hatred that was almost palpable. Argus Filch stood by a wall, seeming unsure of what to think. The two chairs on either side of the table by his at the head were occupied by the only two grinning fools: Amycus and Alecto Carrow.

Severus walked slowly across the room to take his seat, well aware of his footsteps on the stone floor echoing loudly off of the walls in the silent room and the way the chair scratched awfully along the floor as he pulled it out. "Good afternoon," he said. "For those of you who have not had the _pleasure_ of being introduced, we have two new professors joining us this year," he said, tone indifferent as he waved his hand to his left. "Amycus Carrow, Defense Against the Dark Arts-"

"Or just the Dark Arts, if you will," Amycus said with a nasty grin.

"-and Alecto Carrow, Muggle Studies."

"Maybe we can bring in real Muggles for demonstrations," Alecto cackled.

"Enough," Severus said. "They will be my Deputy Headmaster and Deputy Headmistress. They are also in charge of punishments. If _any_ students give you _any_ trouble this year, they are to be sent to either of the Professor Carrows. If it is a particularly significant offense, they are to be brought to me."

_They won't do anything to them unless they have no choice_, Severus realized. He could read the defiance all over their faces and was grateful. The majority of the teachers here would do everything they could to protect every student they could, regardless of what they did. While students getting away with breaking rules was annoying, it was in their best interests. Severus could only hope no one caused too much trouble. He knew they wouldn't be able to escape having to punish them entirely.

"There will be no Hogsmeade visits this year," Severus informed them, leaning back in his seat and trying to recall the notes he had carelessly left on the headmaster's desk. He remembered most of his points, at any rate. "From Dolores Umbridge's time, we will be reinstating Educational Decree Number Twenty Four."

"Which one was twenty four?" Filius asked Minerva.

"_All Student Organizations, Societies, Teams, Groups, and Clubs are henceforth disbanded. An Organization, Society, Team, Group, or Club is hereby defined as a regular meeting of three or more students. Permission to re-form may be sought from the High Inquisitor. No Student Organization, Society, Team, Group, or Club may exist without the knowledge and approval of the High Inquisitor. Any student found to have formed, or to belong to, an Organization, Society, Team, Group, or Club that has not been approved by the High Inquisitor will be expelled_," Septima recited to everyone's surprise. Somehow she reminded him greatly of Hermione Granger, the way she easily recalled the Decree verbatim, "_where definition seemed to hold more value than comprehension,"_ he remembered complaining once. Septima smiled sheepishly at the attention. "Though I take it there will be no High Inquisitor?"

"And little to no hope of allowing any of them to reform," Severus said coldly.

"And take what little enjoyment they have left from them?" Pomona asked.

Severus smirked evilly, playing his role to its fullest. "While I am positive our new Deputy Heads are sadistic enough to crave more wrongdoings for the perfect excuse to torture the students, I find I have very little patience for the whelps and would prefer a relatively peaceful term without having to deal with analyzing crimes and dolling out punishments. As I have seen in the past, gatherings among students in such a nature is breeding-ground for some of the worst behavior that I would prefer to avoid. Unless, of course, you _want_ the little bastards to get what's coming to them. I assure you, however, that I will not be in such high spirits if I must continually deal with rotten children."

"I would have thought you would enjoy punishing the students, Severus," Minerva said coolly.

"I might," Severus retorted. "But only when the behavior is particularly foul."

"Come on, Snape!" Alecto grinned. "Let them get into trouble! In fact, why not encourage open rebellion? I won't get bored of putting those bastards in their place!"

"Why I never-!" exclaimed Bathsheba, standing up, but Filius and Septima quickly pulled her down. "Such an awful way to speak of young children!"

"They act more like beasts than children," Severus muttered.

There were gasps of shock and indignation, and Septima rolled her eyes. "He's never liked the students, though, has he?" he heard her whispering to Bathsheba.

"Surprised he became a teacher at all," Pomona huffed.

"Settle down," Severus said sternly, already tired of dealing with them. The biggest thing was ensuring they all understood the way the school would be run this term, when the students arrived in less than a month. The biggest thing was enraging them enough and warning them enough to make them stay and protect the students in ways he could not. Already he was regretting coming at all, having to deal with all of this nonsense…It was going to be a very long, very tiring year.

"Tell me, Severus, what sorts of punishments will you be inflicting upon the students?" Minerva demanded. "Or _beasts_, as you so elegantly referred to them."

"Unforgivable Curses always work well at producing desired results," Alecto said.

"Rape…but only for the pretty ones," Amycus said with a grin, laughing as the others stared and gasped in shock and disgust. Minerva quirked an eyebrow and Severus stared back challenging, half expecting her to make some mention of the scene she had interrupted between himself and Harry last year. Her nostrils were flaring, her lips pressed thin as usual when she was furious.

"…hang them up by their toenails," Alecto was saying in a dreamy voice.

"Hit 'em with a spiked whip," Amycus said.

"Boil them alive in my favorite cauldron," Alecto was saying.

Everyone looked sickened the more Alecto and Amycus went on, providing gruesome details to the sorts of things they wanted to do to the students. Severus kept his face impassive, though it was a struggle. He wanted to curse them both before they got the opportunity to lay one cruel hand on anyone. It was disturbing…and frightening, honestly. How much of this terror could he actually stop?

"Surely you don't expect us to sit back and let this happen!" Poppy said.

"You can always be replaced," Severus promised them. "We have many friends who would be glad to take your place."

They all sat in grim silence and Severus smirked with the same wicked pleasure the Carrows did. If nothing he said had done the trick, he was certain that with the promise of more Death Eaters coming in would keep them here. They were nothing, if not dedicated professors.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **While I'm sure any of us would be glad to throw ourselves at Sev, we must all be grateful that Orpheus is not a horny idiot :P lmao! With that crisis averted…well, I can't say we can all rest easy. It's gonna be a tough year for our boys! I hope everyone enjoyed!

Big thanks to my reviewers: slytherinfighter2011, xXxElectraxXx, Anniriel, da-blk-saiyangirl, vampirexsama, Kaiya Sumeragi, Always the Prince, Serpent91, and Mia Tun! I really appreciate the feedback!

To xXxElectraxXx: I feel your pain…but Harry is willing to do just about anything to ensure Sev's safety, even if it means encouraging behavior that make him want to kill a man :P rofl.

To Always the Prince: I remember toooo! They've come a long way, our boys have :')

To Mia Tun: Aww I'm glad you enjoyed it so much ^_^ I figure they've both lost so much in their lives and haven't had nearly the love they deserve and it makes it so much harder for them than most to deal with having to part from each other. I can just see everything about them now being driven by that love and need for each other, instead just wanting hot sexiness hehehe. I really enjoy writing those particularly passionate moments and I'm glad I was able to portray those really strong feelings. Glad you understand my problem with spending more time daydreaming than writing :P rofl.

To everyone who cried: I sowwy L *hands tissues and huggles*

Chapter title lyrics from "Victim" by Avenged Sevenfold (amazing song, btw).


	73. This Pain Won't Last Forever

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_This Pain Won't Last Forever_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

It ended up being a little over a week since Kreacher left when he turned back up. Harry and Hermione were sitting at the kitchen table, enjoying a nice breakfast of eggs, sausage, bacon, toast and orange juice when Kreacher showed up with Mundungus. Harry blinked in surprise at the mass of struggling limbs that appeared right by his chair. He scrambled out of his chair as Kreacher disentangled himself from Mundungus and croaked, "Kreacher has returned with the thief Mundungus Fletcher, Harry Potter."

Mundungus scrambled up and pulled out his wand, but Hermione was too quick for him. "_Expelliarmus_!"

Mundungus's wand soared through the air and Hermione caught it. Wide-eyed, Mundungus dived across the room and Harry pointed his wand at him. "_Incarcerous_!" Ropes shot out of the end of his wand and caught Mundungus by the ankle, pulling him back and winding around him, because of his position, binding both of his arms to one of his legs while the other thrashed around.

"What?" he bellowed. "Wha've I done? Settin' a bleedin' 'ouse-elf on me, what are you playing at, wha've I done, lemme go, lemme go, or-"

"You're not in much of a position to make threats," said Harry. He moved closer to Mundungus and dropped to his knees beside him, almost surprised when the man stopped struggling and looked up at him terrified. Harry didn't let it show, though, as he pointed his wand deliberately at Mundungus's nose.

"Kreacher apologizes for the delay in bringing the thief, Harry Potter," croaked the elf. "Fletcher knows how to avoid capture, has many hidey-holes and accomplices. Nevertheless, Kreacher cornered the thief in the end."

"You've done really well, Kreacher," Harry said and the elf bowed low. He turned back to Mundungus. "Right. We've got a few questions for you."

"I panicked, okay?" Mundungus immediately began. "I never wanted to come along, no offense, mate, but I never volunteered to die for you, an' that was blee-"

"Shut up!" Harry snapped. "We're not interested in why you ran out on Mad Eye," Harry said, too impatient to get to the locket to listen to any of his excuses for anything else.

"Well why the 'ell am I being 'unted down by 'ouse-elves? Or is this about them goblets again? I ain't got none of 'em left, or you could 'ave 'em-"

"It's not about the goblets, either, although you're getting warmer," Harry said. "Shut up and listen."

It felt good to bully someone around, finding it incredibly easy to take out all of his frustrations on Mundungus. The thief certainly deserved it, didn't he? Harry moved his wand close to the bridge of Mundugnus's nose so that the man had to go cross-eyed to keep it in view.

"When you cleaned out this house of anything valuable you took a bunch of stuff from the kitchen cupboard. There was a locket there," Harry said, mouth suddenly dry. He could sense Hermione's tension and excitement, too. "What did you do with it?"

"Why? Is it valuable?" Mundungus asked eagerly.

"You've still got it!" Hermione cried.

"How valuable?" Mundungus asked.

"Hand it over," Harry demanded.

"I don't have it!" Mundungus exclaimed.

"He lies," Kreacher hissed.

"Are you sure?" Hermione asked, staring fearfully at Mundungus.

"Only one way to find out," Harry said. "_Accio locket_."

Mundungus cried out angrily, his robes twisting and moving before finally the locket soared up through the neck of his shirt and flew straight into Harry's waiting hand. Harry gaped at the locket in his hand while Mundungus struggled against his binds. This was it! They really had it! Didn't they? Harry rolled it over in his hands and examined in, making sure it was the real Horcrux, remembering fully all of the trouble he and Dumbledore had gone through just to procure a fake. It was as big as a chicken's egg with an ornate _S_ inlaid with many small green stones. There didn't seem to be any damage to it…If it was a Horcrux, it hadn't' been destroyed yet. Of course, it didn't seem nearly as alive as the diary had…but he did have a very bad feeling about it.

"You can go now," Harry said to Mundungus, magically removing the rope and glaring at him, holding his wand firmly in his hand to defend himself if Mundungus tried anything. The thief wasted no time Disapparating and Harry relaxed a bit and sat back down at the kitchen table with the locket in his hands, after a moment realizing they needed to do something about it. He turned it over in his hands again and then tried to pry it open with no luck. He tried all of the unlocking charms he knew and frowned before handing it to Hermione to let her try her hand with the various spells she knew. After several minutes she frowned and passed it back to Harry who tried a few more things, including warning Hermione to stand back and attempting to use the _Sectumsempra_ curse on it to no avail.

"What are we going to do with it?" Hermione asked with a frown.

"Keep it safe until we figure out how to destroy it," Harry said grimly. There was something very strange…very evil and dangerous about the Horcrux…a feeling that grew stronger by the minute. He didn't want to be near it, let alone touch it, but he swallowed back his revulsion and picked up the locket, sliding it around his neck.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

The month of August passed by too quickly for Severus Snape's liking. While Harry and Hermione dealt with Slytherin's locket and the awful mood it put them in, Severus faced many daunting tasks. He prepared the Hogwarts staff for the new school year, visiting Orpheus Odell many times to assure the Dark Lord that he _had_ made an effort in recruiting Orpheus (until one day, just last week, he was pleased to show up to find the man's house abandoned), planning out how he could best keep Hogwarts safe with the annoying Headmasters of Hogwarts past, and attended more Death Eater meetings and celebrations than he cared for.

He wasn't sure if he was more relieved or horrified when September First came around.

He wouldn't have much of anything to do outside of the castle now, other than the occasional meeting with the Dark Lord to discuss the school's progress. However, taking on his role as headmaster was his most serious challenge yet, one he was not entirely sure he would ever be ready for. Still, he found himself seated at the Head Table in the chair Albus normally occupied, watching as the staff filed in, sitting at the table around him, scooting as far from him as possible, while the Carrows couldn't seem to get close enough, chatting animatedly on either side of him. Shortly after, students began filing in. Severus watched them come…Glowering in response to the glares Neville Longbottom and Ginny Weasley shot in his direction and smirking at the likes of Pansy Parkinson, Millicent Bulstrode, Tracey Davis, and Blaise Zabini who all grinned at him as they entered.

Most students had the decency to look grim. Ariel Nugent, a particularly annoying Gryffindor, led in two crying brothers and escorted them to their respective tables. As she left the second brother at the Ravenclaw table, one of his Slytherins, Vaughn Guigen, leaned over to whisper something to her with a wicked grin on his face. Ariel's face turned red and Severus groaned internally, begging Merlin to not let her have this display out in front of everyone. It was such ridiculously Gryffindor behavior and he swore that House would be the death of him this year. Ariel reached for her wand, but the brother (Clive, was it?) reached out to grab her hand and whispered urgently to her before she huffed and spun on her heel, marching over to her House table and plopping down between Todd Force and Nicky Gibbs. Severus remembered well how last year that little group (then third years) began making themselves just as well known as the Weasley twins and the little golden trio for their thirst of fun and adventure. Severus had given that particular year of Gryffindors hell in detention last year, and still they kept coming back for more. _Hopefully_ they would learn their lesson early on this year an wouldn't cause too many problems.

At least not all of his Slytheirns were completely heartless and Dark Lord devoted as the majority. While it offered some hope for the future of Slytherin House, Severus couldn't be completely relieved…The question of their loyalties would surely get them into trouble as Mephiro Vizant and Deidre Murphy attempted to comfort a particularly weepy Ravenclaw girl before Alaric Avery (Abaddon's arrogant son) leaned over and whispered something tauntingly to them and the pair paled and seated themselves at Slytherin table with their heads bowed.

Never had Hogwarts seen such a gloomy entrance. At least not that Severus could recall.

He watched too many dramatic displays of fear, anxiety, sorrow, and anger before the older students were seated and Minerva stood to go greet the first years who she eventually led in and up to the Sorting Hat.

"Group looks a bit small, doesn't it?" Alecto commented a bit loudly. Severus couldn't help but wonder how she could know if it was small or not, as this was her first year as a professor and it had been a few decades since she had been a first year.

Then Amycus said, "Oh, that's just because they finally started weeding out the damn Mudbloods," loudly and Severus understood the reasoning behind the statement.

Severus glanced from his left to his right, eying the reactions of the other teachers. They all sat stiffly and glowered at Amycus and Alecto. Pomona leaned over to whisper furiously to Bathsheba. Severus sighed and focused his attention on Minerva as she unrolled the scroll bearing the names of the new students.

"Beers, Calliope," she called out.

A girl who appeared rather small for her age hopped up to the stool and required Minerva's help in sitting up on it. The hat was on her head for nearly a minute before declaring her a, "SLYTHERIN!"

The Slytherin table cheered loudly and Calliope Beers grinned and hopped off of the stool and stumbled a bit before skipping merrily over to the Slytherin table. Severus quirked an eyebrow at her…She seemed far too cute and giddy compared to most Slytherins.

Minerva moved on to call upon Simon Berger, Stuart Brand, and Thelma Burke (Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and Ravenclaw) before calling out, "Butler, Jennifer."

She was met with silence.

The first years all turned to look at each other and Minerva's eyes grew wide and her face turned pale and Severus felt as though a large chunk of ice had dropped into his stomach. There was a bit of whispering that steadily grew louder. Amycus and Alecto grinned broadly.

"Don't tell me we lost one," he heard Aurora whisper in horror.

"Ooh dear," Septima murmured, dread thick in her voice.

"Of course," Minerva said loudly enough for everyone to hear. "It would seem that a poor eleven year old girl must be dealing with the Ministry of Magic."

"A thief," Amycus said loudly, causing Slytherins who overheard to snicker.

An eleven year old girl…Jennifer Butler…Severus imagined a sickeningly innocent face with chubby cheeks and freckles and dark brown pigtails wailing as she was terrorized by Ministry officials. Many wizards and witches faced charges against them due to the new Muggle-Born Registration Commission…He had been horrified to think of what must be happening to them…He never really stopped to consider that that law would apply to young children and what the poor girl must be facing now…wondering how many young children who should be standing here were facing horrors they never expected.

"Channing, Earl," Minerva called out.

Again, nothing.

They waited many long, agonizing seconds before Minerva sighed heavily, tightening her grip on the scroll and turning to the next name. "Coover, Tripp."

A nervous looking boy with strawberry blond curls ran out and practically jumped onto the stool and was almost immediately declared a Gryffindor. Severus scowled as he watched the young boy run to the Gryffindor table, having a very bad feeling that that child was going to be trouble. He was far too energetic.

Minerva went through the list, stopping again on the name "Fuller, Luke." Everyone held their breath, waiting for a small child to pop up. Severus felt his heart sink when one didn't. Minerva frowned deeply and looked back to the list. "Gold, Aur-"

"HERE I AM!"

A tiny boy jumped out and laughed madly before running up to the stool. Minerva stepped back with a hand over her chest, looking like she might suffer a heart attack at any given moment. Severus breathed a sigh of relief and nearby he heard Hagrid mutter "Thank Merlin."

Of course, the brat was placed in Gryffindor.

Four more names later they got to "Hilton, Harmony" who didn't show up. Minerva glared into the crowd of first years, waiting longer than usual after the whole thing with Luke Fuller. No cute little girl popped up to surprise them. Finally Severus cleared his throat and the mood dimmed further as Minerva moved on to "Hodge, Janet."

Each name called out gave everyone a moment of fear, wondering if that child was here and safe and well. Luckily there was a longer gap between names before they landed on "Layman, Curtis" who did not show up, either. Some names, such as "Nugent, Dory" gave no one many worries…There were already three Nugents at Hogwarts ahead of her, and they were all known half-bloods. Right after Dory was "Odell, Olga," which was no problem, being as she was the eleven year old Pureblooded daughter of Oedipus Odell. Slytherin, of course. After Olga was another dreaded pause waiting on "Patton, Marshall" who never came up. Only two names later was another disappointment with "Reynolds, Debby" and the last Muggle-born who would never show up at Hogwarts being "Shore, Norman."

"Wentz, Adele," concluded the ceremony being sorted into Ravenclaw.

Minerva rolled up the scroll and took up the Sorting Hat and the stool as Adele Wentz hopped over to her new House mates who clapped unenthusiastically. Severus didn't blame them…The whole room had fallen into a very thick depression. Severus could feel it all around him. He ignored the accusatory glares of the other professors and some of the students. The names of the missing Muggle-born children repeated in his mind. Jennifer Butler, Earl Channing, Harmony Hilton, Curtis Layman, Marshall Patton, Debby Reynolds, and Norman Shore. He was going to have nightmares of seven little eleven year olds being tortured, he swore. He didn't like children much, but even Severus Snape felt disgusted by the mere idea of such young, innocent creatures being put through all of this mess.

Once everyone seemed to be seated and settled, Severus got to his feet. "Attention," he said sternly, not having to raise his voice very much to gather everyone's attention. He was glad for it…He didn't have near the patience to deal with them if they wanted to be difficult and could already feel a headache coming on. "This day marks the start of a new term at Hogwarts, and with it, several changes. The most…_obvious_…would be that I, Severus Snape, am your new headmaster. I am not nearly so kind or forgiving as Headmaster Dumbledore was. To my right is your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Amycus Carrow, and to my left is your new Muggle Studies professor, Professor Alecto Carrow.

"As usual, the Forbidden Forest is, as its name suggests, forbidden. No students are to go anywhere near the forest unless given permission by a staff member to do so…I do not care how eager you will be to risk your life," he said. He had almost made a more blunt comment about not caring if they were begging for death by the time, as the Carrows were sure to push some people to that point, but quickly changed his wording. "There will be no Hogsmeade visits this year. No students are to be outdoors with the exception of Care of Magical Creatures and Herbology lessons. There is to be no formation of any clubs or groups of any kind, for any reason. Quidditch is, as of now, banned and no amount of begging will change the fact. Any persons openly supporting Harry Potter or any organization associated with the wizard, will be punished. Any persons openly rebelling against my administration or the Ministry of Magic will be punished. You would all be very wise to keep yourselves in line, as the consequences for any offense will be most dire. I wish you all a very…_safe_ school year."

He took his seat again with ease, smirking as the Carrows and the majority of the Slytherin table applauded him loudly. He was forced to suffer through the mindless conversations Amycus and Alecto attempted to hold, but was somewhat pleased that the Great Hall was not nearly so loud or boisterous as usual…There was whispering, sure…conversations had not died out under Severus's threats, but they at least seemed to understand that the situation at hand was very serious.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Long after the welcoming feast had ended, when most occupants of the castle were asleep, Severus found himself wide awake. He attempted to sleep and failed there and after a while got up to sit at his desk (within his rooms, of course…even asleep the headmaster portraits were annoying with their loud and distracting snores), looking over the notes for the potion he had been working on last year and even studying one of the Blue Roses Orpheus had given him. Neither could capture his interest for very long and it frustrated him to no end that even awake as he was, he was too restless to get any work done.

Feeling as though he might go stir crazy if he remained in his room much longer. He pulled his usual black robes over his pajamas and abandoned his more comfortable slippers in favor of the more intimidating black leather boots. Severus crept quietly out of his room, not wanting to risk waking up any of the portraits and dealing with them. To his great misfortune, he only managed to walk a few yards away from the Headmaster's Tower when Tracey Davis and Millicent Bulstrode spotted him, calling out "Headmaster Snape!" and picking up their pace. Severus sighed heavily and scowled at the seventh year Slytherins as they approached.

"Got quite a group out of bed!" Tracey announced with a grin.

"In the Owlery," Millicent added.

"On the first night of term!" Tracey exclaimed, looking positively delighted. "We heard the Carrows are supposed to be in charge of discipline, but…"

"We figured you'd rather have the honor of first punishment of the year," Millicent said with a nasty smile.

"You are correct," Severus drawled. "Ten points each from Slytherin…You are both aware that you, as well, are out of bed after hours?"

Tracey and Millicent's faces dropped.

"But-" Millicent sputtered.

"To bed!" Severus barked.

Millicent glared at him and Tracey just looked stunned, but the two headed off to the dungeons without another word. Severus shook his head and swiftly moved towards the Owlery. A group of students out of bed after hours…His first thought was Dumbledore's Army…it wouldn't surprise him if some foolishly heroic Gryffindors decided to reinstate the group, and honestly would be glad if they did. Though it seemed odd of them to convene in the Owlery of all places and hoped that if it was the D.A. they would resume using the Room of Requirement as a meeting place…It made much more sense.

When he stepped into the room, he highly doubted it was the D.A., though it surprised him how large the group actually was. The group seemed to be centered around the three youngest Nugent siblings who were all crying and hugging each other miserably while the eldest stood nearby, looking at a loss as to what to do. Unsurprisingly, Ariel Nugent had brought along half of her little club with her: Todd Force, Nicky Gibbs, and Kayla Crooks…The newest Gryffindor prefect, Romilda Vane, stood nearby, lecturing about how she was now a prefect and how they had to listen to her and that they better move and get back to bed before they got her in trouble.

Gryffindors weren't the only ones at this party, though. Huffelpuff prefect Hannah Abbot was kneeling by the younger Nugents, whispering consolingly to them. The two newest Ravenclaw prefects (Flynn Flanagan and Clara Fields) were arguing quietly with each other over whether or not they should get a teacher to help them. Sevan Howell stood staring at Severus in complete horror, though he seemed too petrified to alert anyone else in the group to his presence. Even his friends who were standing right next to him, Tempest Bookout and Atticus Wilder, didn't seem to notice his sudden change.

Severus just stood and stared at them a moment, trying to figure out what the bloody hell they were all doing. The most he could figure from the conversations was that the youngest Nugents had sneaked out of bed to come here to try to send a letter to their grandmother pleading to let them come home and they had been tracked by various members of their respective Houses trying to get them to come back to bed.

"…didn't you hear, Atticus?" Bookout was saying. "Their dad, (Nelson Nugent, you know?) is a Muggle-Born! He had to register with the Ministry but when he found out what they were doing to the Muggle-borns he and his wife fled the country. Left the kids with their grandmother. Their magical grandparents, of course."

"God, no wonder they're all upset," Wilder replied. "They probably don't even know if their parents are alive or not…or where they are or anything…"

"Oh Merlin!" wailed one of the male Nugents. "Ariel! Are mum and dad dead?"

"THEY'RE DEAD?" shrieked Dory Nugent.

"Byrd!" hissed Ariel Nugent. "No, Dory, they're not dead!"

"Look what you did, Atticus!" scolded Bookout.

"I didn't mean to, Tempest!" stammered Wilder. "I'm really sorry, Ariel."

Dory Nugent was crying her eyes out now while the rest of the group began panicking and trying to calm her down. "G-g-" Howell tried to say.

"Oh _shite_," muttered Vane, finally spotting Severus, her brown eyes growing wide.

Severus raised his eyebrow and smirked, somewhat regretting, now, the decision to stand where he could be seen. There was no way around it, though, was there? Not when Tracey and Millicent had already come to him…Any witnesses would make letting things slide very difficult. Severus cleared his throat loudly, quickly gaining everyone's attention.

"Let us see, now," Severus drawled. "Vane, Nugent, Force, Gibbs, Crooks…" He looked around to make sure he had counted all of the Gryffindors. "Ten points each from Gryffindor for being out after hours…an extra ten from Vane for being a prefect who should know better." He moved his eyes over to the Huffelpuffs. "Abbott, Nugent, ten points each from Huffelpuff house…and an extra ten from Abbott. Flanagan, Fields, Howell, Bookout, Wilder, Nugent, and Nugent…Ten points each from Ravenclaw and an extra ten from Flanagan and Fields." He offered an amused smirk. "Well, well, well…I am stunned to see more Ravenclaws than Gryffindors here tonight…I would expect you so-called _intelligent_ students to be more cautious than these foolhardy Gryffindors."

No one said anything…Most gaped at him in shock or fear, only Abbot, Vane, and Force glowering at him in the same hateful manner he had grown accustomed to seeing at dinner.

Sadly, point deduction wouldn't be enough…He had yet come up with a safe way of getting around sending them off to be tortured by the Carrows…He could only hope putting such a large group in the same detention would make it harder for Amycus and Alecto to do much damage. Hating himself very much for what he was about to do, he took a moment to school himself, glancing easily over each and every one of them before saying, "You will all serve detention this Friday night with Professor Amycus Carrow, directly after dinner. Off to bed, all of you."

Howell ran out of the room, looking like he might be sick at any given moment. Vane followed shortly after him, muttering things like "should have just let them suffer for being so bloody thick." Bookout and Wilder followed quickly after, heads bowed in shame, and he could have sworn they were both crying.

"C'mon, Ari," Force was muttering.

"Wait a second, Todd!" Ariel Nugent snapped. She turned back to wiping away Dory's tears and glaring at Flanagan and Fields as they started walking off. "Hey, you two! Shouldn't you get them back to the common room? You are the Ravenclaw prefects, aren't you?"

"Erm…Yeah," Fields said nervously. "Come along then, Clyde…Dora…"

"Clive and Dory!" Ariel hissed.

"Uh…Right…Sorry," Fields stammered.

"_Now_," Severus hissed.

"I've got them, you go on, Ariel," Abbott said, glaring at Severus again as she helped a trembling Byrd Nugent to his feet. "Clive, Dory…You need to go with Flynn and Clara, okay?"

Dory stumbled away from her sister and latched onto Fields' hand. Fields looked stunned but quickly led the girl off while Ariel hurried away with Force, Gibbs, and Crooks. Flanagan looked unsure of what to do, but Fields gave him a hard look until he reached down to grab Clive's arm and dragged him along, both prefects avoiding looking at Severus as they passed.

Severus sighed heavily once they were out of sight and reached into his pocket to grab his watch. He hissed in surprise as he felt something burn his hand and picked out his watch, opening his hand to see the charmed Galleon Granger had given him with it. He glanced down at the watch…It was 3:37 in the morning and already each House had lost at least twenty points. Ridiculous…

Wait…

Forgetting about the time and what he was going to do about his students, he picked up the coin and held it in his hand, looking around the edges of the coin where the message was displayed.

_Found the locket. Can't figure out how to destroy it though. Will keep you updated. -H&H_.

Severus wrapped his fingers around the coin and pressed his lips to his hand. There was at least some hope…They had possession of one Horcrux now…That was at least one step closer to the end of things. Breathing a sigh of relief, Severus dropped the coin and the watch back into his pocket and headed back to his rooms. He would have to consult the other headmasters first thing in the morning…on a variety of subjects.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **So I'm super excited to write about Severus's adventures as headmaster hehehe. Since we never really saw what was going on at Hogwarts, I hope to spend more of my time focusing on that aspect of things. I rewrote my outline today in class (since all of my revisions I've been doing were done in the margins of the notebook and it was hard to really tell anything apart anymore) and it made me so excited for the rest of the story all of a sudden! Hopefully my cleaner outline will make writing a lot easier lol.

Anyway, 22 chapters left!

Big thanks to my reviewers: xXxElectraxXx, Serpent91, Anniriel, Kaiya Sumeragi, da-blk-saiyangirl, vampirexsama, and SevLoverKat! I really appreciate the effort you guys put into leaving me comments!

I also ask that everyone who's reading please review! I would love to hear from everyone about how I'm doing and it is a great encouragement to keep writing knowing that people are out there enjoying it!

Chapter title lyrics from "Goodnight" by Egypt Central.


	74. If You Hear Me Let Me Know

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_If You Hear Me Let Me Know_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

_Severus Snape._

Harry watched the name as it moved down one corridor on the Marauder's Map. He hadn't known he had brought the Map…It had somehow ended up tucked into Severus's Potions textbook and it had fallen out when Hermione was pulling out books a few days ago. Harry found himself obsessed with watching the Map every chance he got. He watched nervously while classmates were found alone with either of the Carrows or any of his friends were alone with the more dangerous Slytherins and grinned whenever he saw Neville, Ginny, Luna, or any of his other friends or D.A. members together. Sometimes he liked to imagine what it was they were doing…He would see Neville and Ginny's names together in the Gryffindor common room and daydream of the two of them restarting the D.A. and thinking of ways to undermine the rule of the Carrows (and Severus, he supposed, since they'd think of him as the villain)…at the same time, they weren't always great dreams. Every time he saw Luna alone with _Amycus Carrow_ he worried, thinking that Amycus was performing unspeakable tortures on her.

"_But you must realize that the Carrows are just as fanatic and loyal servants to the Dark Lord as the Lestranges are. They are just as sadistic. Students will be hurt even if I did everything in my power to stop them."_ Severus had said.

It was early October…School had been back in for a little over a month now. Harry wished he had found the Map in early September so he could have kept track of the entire term…as it was, he was just glad to have _some_ sort of connection to Hogwarts. He kept it with him at all times now in the moleskin purse Hagrid had given him for his birthday along with the Snitch Dumbledore had left him, the two way mirror Sirius had left him, and a few other smaller objects of importance. He pulled it out for a glance now and then and studied it when he had more time to himself when Hermione wasn't breathing down his neck, demanding he take their search more seriously.

She was worse when she was wearing the locket, and since she was the one who had it now, Harry had to be cautious of when he looked at the Map. As Hermione was taking a shower, though, Harry figured he could take a break to watch Hogwarts. It was dinnertime at Hogwarts, almost all of the names on the map being gathered in the Great Hall. He ran his finger over Severus's name, imagining him sitting in the chair that Dumbledore normally sat at at the Head Table, scowling at students, probably insulting someone's intelligence right about now.

With everyone in the Great Hall, there was little point in searching the rest of the areas on the Map, but he made a quick look to the empty Room of Requirement and to the infirmary. He frowned when he saw the names Hannah Abbot, Terry Boot, Romilda Vane, Michael Corner, Seamus Finnigan, and Demelza Robins all there. There were even a few names he didn't recognize…Dasha Agron, Darryl Wyatt, Tarson Shay, Rachel Hooper, and Klaine Dover. A grand total of eleven students in the infirmary, and this wasn't even the worst Harry had seen it. There had been fifteen the first day Harry looked at the Map. Harry didn't even want to think about why they were all there, only watching as Poppy Pomfrey's name moved around the room, fluttering from one bed to another, more than likely, feeding students potions they probably would much rather dump down a toilet than down their throats.

Looking at the infirmary just made him feel guilty and he eyed the books and parchment, inkpots and quills that littered the table…Notes and readings that didn't seem to be getting them much of anywhere. Sighing heavily, Harry was ready to close the parchment when he caught sight of three names moving down a corridor…Neville, Ginny, and Luna were all together! Harry was curious to see where they were going, but he heard movement on the stairs and quickly folded up the Map and put it back into the moleskin bag around his neck and grabbed the nearest stack of parchment and books and pulled them towards him. Hermione had been fussing at him enough these days and Harry did not want to hear any more of it.

He glanced down at the notes he had taken position of and grabbed a quill and threw it down when he realized it was broken and reached for another one. The parchment said the same things, nothing new…In fact, as he flipped through the different sheets of parchment in his stack, most of them just repeated the same things over and over again. Hermione seemed to feel that it was helpful if she was writing something, even if they hadn't come up with anything new in so long.

_Horcruxes_

_Diary (destroyed by basilisk fang)_

_Ring (destroyed by Dumbledore?)_

_Locket (Slytherin) (found)_

_Cups (Huffelpuff)_

_Snake_

_Something of Ravenclaw or Gryffindor. Most likely Ravenclaw._

_Places_

_Godric's Hollow?_

_Hogwarts?_

_Orphanage_

_Borgin and Burkes_

_Albania?_

_Ministry of Magic?_

_Gringotts?_

There was also a list of "Destruction Attempts" that had every item but _basilisk fangs (diary, success) _crossed out as a failure. No spell or magical object they had tried thus far had worked on the locket.

"Did you manage to think of anything?" Hermione asked as she entered the room.

"No," Harry replied, biting his tongue as Hermione sighed heavily. He wanted to snap at her, as she hadn't come up with anything new in weeks, either. Most of the ideas they _did_ have had various question marks beside them, as Hermione always found reasons to doubt everything they came up with.

"We really should start looking soon," Hermione said irritably, sitting down beside him and snatching the parchment out from in front of him to bring them back to herself. She drew a large X over the top sheet and placed a fresh piece of parchment on top, dipping the tip of her quill into an inkpot. "It's not doing us any good just sitting around here staring at each other."

"Yes, but we _have to come up with a plan_," Harry said, trying not to snap. It was the same excuse Hermione gave every time _he_ suggested they just go out and look. It was too risky and stupid to go out with no forethought and no real idea of what to do or where, exactly to look.

"Well, then, let's come up with one," Hermione said sharply. "Where do you think we should start?"

"We could always try Borgin and Burkes," Harry said with a sigh, already anticipating the same old arguments to show up.

"Yes, well…I don't know that Borgin and Burkes should really be on the list," Hermione said with a frown. "It is in Knockturn Alley, you know…It could too easily be sold or stolen or something there."

"Right," Harry said. "_Unless_ there was a place in the shop he was able to hide it. I doubt he'd leave anything just lying on a shelf, Hermione."

"True," Hermione said, pursing her lips. "It's still a bit dangerous…Loads of Death Eaters are sure to be around there and I'd rather not do anything too risky right off the bat."

"The orphanage, then?" he asked through gritted teeth.

Sensing his frustrations, Hermione glared up at him. "Might as well, I suppose," she said with a heavy sigh that assured him that she didn't really want to. She rewrote _Places_ at the top of the blank parchment and listed out the sources of where the diary had come from, where the ring had come from, and where the locket had come from, crossing them all out neatly as she did so before writing _orphanage_ just under them, and nothing else. Apparently she was still having serious doubts about all of their other ideas. "We should still go disguised, but as it's not exactly a Wizarding area, I think we'll be safe with some light glamours," Hermione said, setting that sheet aside and beginning a new list of all of the Horcrux ideas, crossing out all of the ones that had been found and marking an X by those that had already been destroyed. "I'm not sure if we should really bring the locket with us, though."

"I already said…I don't think it would be safe to just leave it lying around somewhere," Harry reminded her.

"Yes, but if You Know Who just so happens to be there or a Death Eater…What if they recognize it? Or…Maybe they'll be able to sense it as a Dark object or _something_," Hermione said.

"I doubt V…Riddle will be walking around near his old orphanage-" Harry began.

"But if a Horcrux _is_ th-" Hermione started.

"I doubt they'd notice it," Harry interrupted. "Whoever's wearing it can just put it in their shirt or something where it can't be seen, but other than that, I doubt it will be much of a problem."

"Hmm….Alright," Hermione said, pursing her lips. "Well, it's late, so we should probably leave in the morning…_We'll_ have to spend some time making plans, you know. We will not leave this house until we have a very clear idea of what to expect and what we should be prepared for in case anything should happen."

"I know, I know," Harry sighed, grabbing the nearest book and eying its title. It was a Dark Arts book so maybe it could be useful…In case they ran into Death Eaters or Dark objects or something like that.

"There is no need to have such an attitude about things," Hermione snapped. "This is very important!"

"I know it's important!" Harry growled. "_You're_ the one-Never mind. Never mind, let's just _read_ some more…some more of these _books_ we've looked through a thousand times already. I'm surprised you don't have them all memorized by now."

Hermione flushed angrily. "Well excuse _me_, Harry James Potter! I sincerely apologizing for wanting to be as thorough as possible! I am also terribly sorry that my capacity to recall information is not as proficient as you would prefer!_ I_ will take _these_ to the living room," Hermione declared, standing up and gathering a large pile of books into her arms. "You know where to find me if _you_ manage to think of anything."

Harry glared at her as she marched off to the living room, slamming his Dark Arts book hard onto the table in frustration.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Why students thought they could so easily break into the headmaster's office was beyond Severus. It was midway through dinner when his pocket watch began to tingle, tickling his leg in an unpleasant manner. He set up the wards to connect to one particular object (he had chosen his watch…something that had practical use other than alerting him to the state of the wards around the headmaster's office, that he would carry at all times) that would let him know through various signals various things happening within the office. It tingled when the office was broken into, it squealed when someone was requesting entrance, burning when someone was in the Floo, cooling whenever Dark magic or objects were near, and several other things.

He had at least eaten a good deal and was no longer very interested in food the time it happened. "I have matters to attend to…You two keep an eye on things," Severus instructed the Carrows, who always seemed to be on either side of him. Severus wasn't all too worried about leaving them in charge…He had said it loudly enough so that the other professors would be aware and probably wouldn't leave before the Carrows, to make sure they were around if any of the students needed them.

Severus moved swiftly from the Great Hall to his office, growling the password and started up the moving staircase. The door of his office opened the time he reached it and he sneered at the sight of Longbottom, Weasley, and Lovegood all facing him with equal looks of shock. Longbottom was carrying the Sword of Gryffindor. Severus quirked an eyebrow and stepped closer until they were forced to back away.

"You were so eager to break into my office, I do not see why you are rushing to leave it just yet," Severus said. "Sit."

Their eyes were ablaze with anger and defiance and Severus wanted to throttle them. They were foolish, all of them…They had easily been punished the most out of anyone in Hogwarts this past month. Longbottom had only gotten out of the infirmary for a Dark Arts "accident" a few days ago! They were just asking for more…They needed to take a few notes from his Slytherins in the arts of self preservation and subtlety. "_Now_!" Severus barked when none of them moved.

Reluctantly, the three moved back into the office and sat in the chairs around his desk. Severus moved easily to his desk, pausing long enough to rip the sword from Longbottom's arms.

"Careful, you could have hurt him!" Weasley snapped.

"Not nearly the correct amount of harm that should befall a thief," Severus assured her. "Well, Longbottom, are you bleeding?"

"No," Longbottom snarled, though he didn't even bother looking at himself.

"Is there any reason the three of you thought you might get away with breaking into this office?" Severus demanded.

"We assumed the Ayviels would slow you down, but I find it is often difficult to get invisible creatures to do what you want," Loony Lovegood remarked simply.

Longbottom gaped at her in disbelief and Severus could only raise an eyebrow before turning to the two more reasonable students.

"We figured getting the sword was worth whatever punishment you or any other Death Eater can come up with," Weasley said confidently.

_Idiotically_.

"The Sword is not yours to take," Severus told them.

"And it isn't yours to keep," Longbottom said. He was far more confident these days than Severus could ever remember seeing of the once chubby, shy, unskilled brat.

"I…beg…to differ," Severus said firmly. "The Sword, like many other objects in this room, belong in _this_ room in the care of the current Hogwarts headmaster. Being as I am the school's headmaster, I assure you it is more rightfully mine than you care to realize."

"It's the Sword of Gryffindor…It belongs to Gryffindors," Longbottom argued.

"You three," Severus said, choosing to ignore Longbottom's comments…He had more important things to do than argue with these foolish students, "will serve detention this Saturday at nightfall in the Forbidden Forest with _Professor_ Hagrid."

The three did a rather good job of schooling their expressions, but Severus caught every flash of surprise and mischief and pleasure in their eyes. Detention with Hagrid was no problem…Harry and Draco and he believed a few of Harry's other friends had all served detention with Hagrid in the Forbidden Forest as first years. Hagrid would certainly protect the students and it wasn't as though they had never been in the Forbidden Forest before. What would undoubtedly be a horrifying idea of detention to most, to these three (and perhaps these days it looked better to everyone than the alternative with the Carrows) it would be a piece of cake. Severus smirked as though he had just given them the most deliciously evil punishment he could muster and was relieved he had managed to find a couple of different options regarding detentions that he could give students to save them from the Carrows whenever he could.

"I will also take ten points from each of you," Severus said. "Now, go to your common rooms and try not to be as idiotically foolish as you normally are."

They glared at him as they stood up to leave and Severus watched them as they moved…Catching every backwards glance, every sneer, every muttered word spoken between friends. Severus relaxed in his chair the moment the door closed and he groaned as he rubbed his temples.

Things were bad enough as it was _without_ rebels like those three.

"Completely insolent whelps," Phineas Nigellus muttered.

"To be fair, they do not understand where Severus's true loyalties lie," Armando Dippet pointed out.

"Nonsense," Phineas said. "There is no excuse for such blatant disrespect."

"Ah, Phineas. We are at war," Albus pointed out. "If there was ever such a time to forget niceties, it would be now. They are merely standing up for themselves."

"They did no such thing!" Phineas argued. "They broke into the headmaster's office to _steal_ an artifact that belongs to this school!"

"Someone would do well to point out," added Dexter Fortescue, "that under the reign of Dolores Umbridge, the office would not let her in. Surely the fact that Severus is able to reside here says _something_ to them."

"They are Gryffindors, Dexter," Severus replied dryly. "They do not think, they merely do."

There was a roar of disagreement from Gryffindor headmasters of Hogwarts' past and only Albus of them chuckled fondly. "Come now, Severus, not all of us Gryffindors are exactly alike."

"Many refer to Albus as the greatest wizard of all time," pointed out Dilys Derwent. "A very wise man, you were, Albus."

"Why thank you, Dilys," Albus said, nodding his head to her portrait. "Let's not forget, my dear Severus, that both of the people you have loved in your life have been from the Gryffindor house."

"We are veering far from the topic at hand," Severus grumbled, ignoring the snickers of some and the displeased mutters of others.

"You did well sending them to Hagrid," Albus commended.

Severus nodded. "Do we ever intend to give Harry the real sword?"

"Of course, my dear boy," Albus said. "All in due time."

"Forgive me, Albus, but I must ask _why_ we are _waiting_," Severus said. "He and Granger have had the real locket for over a month now and I daresay they are no closer to finding another means of destroying it than they ever were."

"Gryffindors," sniffed Phineas.

"There is a time for everything, Severus," Albus said with a smile that infuriated Severus to no end. "You should take that sword to Voldemort the first opportunity you have."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Give him the fake sword? Why?"

Albus shrugged. "If he assumes he has the Sword of Gryffindor, he won't have to worry about Harry and Hermione getting it, will he?"

"It will also give these students another reason not to act so senselessly," Severus muttered, picking up the fake sword and putting it back in its place.

"Nonsense," Albus said with an amused smile. "They are a very passionate youth…They will give you hell until the end."

"I was afraid you were going to say that."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Harry spent a good hour and a half agonizing over the books Hermione had left him. He first looked all through the Half Blood Prince's book, cover to cover, searching for everything he could that might be of use in its margins or even in the text's actual content, once he thought about it. Most of the spells he found, though, were vague…_Sectumsempra_ wasn't the only one labeled _for enemies_…but he figured he wouldn't be so guilt ridden as he was over Nott last year if he had to use it against a Death Eater at the orphanage, though Harry was seriously doubting there would be anyone there. At least it was a good list to have when they did venture to more risky areas.

When he could no longer focus on books, he focused on repeating Hermione's routine of jotting down lists, though he cared little for neatness and more for jotting down everything that came to mind. Hermione was sure to shoot down all of his ideas, but it didn't hurt to try, did it? He wrote out good defenses as to why going to Godric's Hollow and Hogwarts were good ideas, even if they did have to save them for last…He even defended the choice of Albania, though Hermione had pointed out Voldemort had only fled there _after_ he failed to kill Harry…Harry figured, though, that he might have gone there once before…There was no saying it was the first and only time Voldemort had been there, right? Who was to say he hadn't managed to bring a Horcrux with him or hadn't been able to create a new Horcrux? Albeit unlikely, but it was a possibility and it didn't do well to ignore it…Especially since they were so desperate for answers.

Hermione was still moping in the living room and Harry was glad to be away from her…He hated this, though…He wanted to make the most of his time away from the Horcrux, and he only had another two hours before he was due to wear it again. Rubbing his temples, hoping to ward off the headache he could feel coming on, he pushed away the books and notes and instead dumped out the contents of his moleskin bag and pulled the Marauder's Map to him. Ernie Macmillian had joined the other names in the infirmary and Harry sighed. Severus, at least, was in his office.

It was so _weird_ thinking of Severus as headmaster. It didn't seem quite right, him sitting at Dumbledore's chair at the Head Table or behind Dumbledore's desk…He especially found it odd to daydream about Severus bending him over _that_ desk (though in all honesty, he had dreamed about it last night). Curiously he pulled his necklace out of his shirt and looked down at the words written there, surprised to see that instead of a Latin word or phrase as usual, it said _stag_. He grinned slowly and ran his thumb over the imprint…He wondered if this was the actual password to Severus's _new_ office and how the charm on the necklace could do that, with a room change…But who else would use _stag_ as a password? He couldn't even fully understand why Severus would…If he did, though…Well, it was a nice thought.

Pushing his thoughts away from Severus (or at least trying to), Harry put his necklace back into his shirt and grabbed the bag to put the Map back into it along with the other things he had dropped out of it. He really needed to focus on this…Even if Hermione _was_ bitchy when she was wearing the necklace, this was serious work…and just because they hadn't discovered much yet didn't mean they still couldn't…

He dropped the Snitch back into the moleskin bag, as well as the letter from his mother to Sirius that he had found one of his first days here…He paused at the two pictures he had of Severus and himself…One of him and Severus in Severus's old rooms, lounging on the couch while the other was an animated picture of Severus and him kissing in the hall when Severus had come here. His heart felt heavy and his throat felt suddenly dry…It had been over a month since he had last seen Severus. It wasn't the longest they had gone without seeing or contacting each other, but it was getting harder. He hadn't had much time to really miss Severus, so when he did think about him, it always felt like this…hard to fully appreciate when it was so painful, but too good to give up.

After a few minutes he reluctantly put the pictures away and picked up the mirror Sirius had given him the Christmas of his fifth year. The _two way mirror_. Sirius had given it to him because of his lessons with Severus, offering to have Harry contact him with it if Severus gave him too much trouble. Harry had never used it before and had never even thought about it until now! He wasn't sure _why._ He had only packed it because it was a gift from his godfather and small enough to fit in the pouch. This was perfect, though…He didn't think communication through a two-way mirror could be detected!

Harry set the mirror down on the table and looked into it. "Erm…Sirius?" Harry said awkwardly, feeling a bit strange talking to a mirror and a bit wary with Hermione not too far away. The last thing he wanted was for her to barge in here complaining about him worrying more about Sirius than planning their journey tomorrow. Harry tapped on the glass and licked his lips. "Sirius!"

Nothing.

Harry frowned.

Maybe Sirius wasn't around. He wasn't hurt, was he? Maybe he was just on a mission…But what if he had the mirror on him? And lost it…what if it was confiscated by Death Eaters? Frowning more deeply now, Harry continued trying…No one would be able to locate him because of the dining room surroundings, he thought, just in case it was an enemy…And if Sirius didn't answer after a few minutes, Harry would return to his work.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"Harry and Granger are apparently going to an orphanage tomorrow," Severus commented, holding the charmed Galleon in the palm of his hand. It must have been changed earlier without Severus noticing it heat up. It now read _Going to try the orphanage tomorrow. Still no luck with the locket. - H&H._ Severus quirked his eyebrow, not entirely sure why Harry and Granger were going to search an orphanage, of all places, for a Horcrux. Or why they'd be at one at all.

"The orphanage Tom Riddle grew up in, I presume?" asked Albus.

"I suppose so," replied Severus.

Ever since Harry explained the mission he and Granger were set on, Severus had made it his goal to try to be as helpful as possible. He had gone to the other headmasters for guidance which, of course, meant he had to let Albus knew that he knew. His now dead friend had not been very pleased by the news at first. Severus could still remember the silence, the grim look upon his face, and how annoyingly Albus had captured his attention so much by doing nothing, even when the other portraits went wild with the news, offering all sorts of ridiculous suggestions.

"_You must do your very best to be sure that Lord Voldemort never knows what we know,"_ Albus had said.

"_Revealing that information would mean to reveal more information than I feel safe giving him,"_ Severus had replied, unable to stop himself from feeling offended by the insinuation. He was a master Occlumens and had been dealing with the Dark Lord for years now. He could handle keeping this knowledge hidden. _"As long as I wish to live, your secret will be safe with me, Albus."_

Albus had frowned a bit after that and fell into thoughtful silence once more. _"I suppose that you have earned more trust than I have shown you, Severus, but you must understand…Things are very dangerous now."_

"_I am well aware of the dangers, Albus,"_ Severus had snapped. _"I know better than most."_

For a good week, Albus seemed uncomfortable and uncertain with every mention of the mission, but now he was as involved as everyone else, just as eager to see Harry and Granger succeed, and sadly not much more helpful than the other headmasters. Even now, they were all at a loss. Harry and Granger weren't faring much better. All Severus and the headmasters had managed was a very short and vague list of items that could be Horcruxes…Possibly nice, expensive items…Nothing too breakable…things of value…more than likely belonging to a Hogwarts Founder.

"The Mudblood is in an awful mood," Phineas Nigellus griped as he walked back into his portrait.

"Please refrain from referring to Miss Granger in such a form," Albus said politely.

"Do not use that word!" Severus snapped. He recalled only too well the last time he had ever used that word…Against his best friend, his first love…Lily Evans…

"They've told you countless times, Phineas," Dexter pointed out.

"She must be wearing that damnable locket again," Phineas continued, ignoring everyone. "You really should give them the sword now, Albus. I dislike such rotten behavior from young ones…In my day she would have got a caning for that! They would do well to reinstate such policies. Young people these days…I do not know how anyone can stand them!"

"How are their plans coming along?" Albus asked politely.

"Not very well, apparently," Phineas said sarcastically. "She was griping about the Potter boy. _'I have to do all the work'_, etcetera, etcetera…Though from what I gather, staring at books hasn't gotten them very far now. You really should have thought this through better, Albus! Sending children out on such an important mission!"

"I have every faith in Harry and Hermione," Albus said patiently.

"You'd be the only one," Phineas scoffed. "Chosen One or not, they are absolutely hopeless."

Severus sighed heavily and pocketed the coin, checking his desk for anything he wished to bring to his room with him. The constant bickering was getting to him and he doubted they would get back onto any sort of useful subject…or that anything good would come from it. He made to stand up when Albus stopped him. "Quiet…I think I hear something."

Phineas huffed. "Now, Albus-"

"Shhhhhhhhh!" hissed many portraits around Phineas, causing him to grumble and eventually fall into silence.

Severus scrunched his eyebrows together…He thought he heard something…But he couldn't be sure what it was or where it was coming from.

"Ahhh," said Albus with a knowing tone. "Second drawer to your left, Severus."

"What is it, Albus?" Severus asked warily.

"Oh, just a little surprise…I didn't even think about it…Very glad I never gave it back…Open it up, Severus!" encouraged Albus.

Severus turned to glare at Albus who was grinning broadly, blue eyes twinkling even in portrait form. Severus sighed and sat back down in his chair, scooting closer to the drawer and sliding it open. "Yes, yes…check in the box," Albus said. Severus pulled out the navy blue, gold-trimmed box that was there and set it on the desk. Figuring that Albus wouldn't set him up to anything truly risky without fair warning, he opened the box, surprised to hear a familiar voice drifting out of it.

"-th a try, I guess. Better get back to work," Harry Potter's voice was muttering.

"What the bloody hell-Albus?" Severus demanded, staring in shock at the box.

"Pick it up," said Albus.

"Sirius?" asked Harry.

Severus scoffed and reached into the box, slowly pulling out a mirror…Only he was staring into two very wide green eyes instead of his own black eyes. "Confuse me for your dogfather again and I will curse your bollocks off."

"Bloody hell!" exclaimed Harry. "_Severus_?"

"Obviously," he drawled.

"But…I…How…?"

"Minerva found it in the infirmary shortly after my death," Albus explained. "Brought it in here to ask if it was anything important. I wasn't sure what it was at first, but I encouraged her to keep it in the desk, just in case. It came to me not long after that it was the two way mirror Sirius and James used as boys. Very lucky I forgot to mention who it belonged to…Forgot all about it. At least you now have a better means of communication…Though I would encourage you both to keep the mirrors in safekeeping…It would not bode well to let these get into the wrong hands."

"Of course," Severus muttered, not entirely sure what to think just yet.

"Is that Dumbledore?" Harry asked, the eye getting closer in the mirror and looking all around.

"Keep that up and I will put you back into this box," Severus warned, snickering as his lover tried to look at Albus. "And it's Professor Dumbledore."

"Nonsense, I'm dead. He can call me whatever he likes," Albus said with a smile.

"You just want to be difficult," Severus muttered.

"You can't put me in the box…Just the mirror," Harry pointed out, though he pulled enough away for Severus to see the top half of his face. He looked weary.

"Very well, I will end our communications at once if you continue to annoy me," Severus said, though he clutched the mirror like a lifeline. His heart beat excitedly in his chest…Harry! It wasn't as good as having the boy here, but it was better than they had had in so long.

"I miss you, too," Harry muttered sarcastically.

"I almost forgot he was bent," muttered Dilys.

"Keep this immoral, homosexual behavior out of the headmaster's office!" shrieked Phyllida Spore.

"They haven't even done anything gay yet!" Armando exclaimed.

"He's been with women, too, he's not _all_ bad," Phineas assured them. He was always the one to Severus's defense, though Severus didn't care much for him. Phineas was proud to have a Slytherin as Headmaster for the first time since himself…He _had_ pestered Severus a great deal about his sexuality, and seemed content that Severus had been with women before…Though Phineas took it to mean he liked mostly women and men now and then instead of the truth, that he was mainly attracted to _men_ while females caught his attention now and then. Whatever he needed to believe, Severus honestly couldn't care less.

"They're just a bit old-fashioned," Albus said with a frown.

"Yes, well, lucky for them I have no intentions of sticking around," Severus muttered. It was bad enough he had to deal with this chaos on a daily basis, it was not going to ruin his newfound time with Harry. He stood as dignified as possible and didn't dare let himself rush to his private quarters. He walked up to the tallest bookshelf and plucked out a book entitled _Teaching New Hippogriffs Old Tricks_, written by one of the old headmasters, Newton Scamander. He whispered the password to his private rooms and stepped back, watching as the shelves of the bookcases on either side moved around to allow the shelves of the bookcase in front of him to slide over into them until the frame of the bookcase became a doorframe and the old faded door pushed forward. It was more complicated and took a bit longer to get into than his old quarters and it frustrated him to no end, especially since he was eager to get some alone time with Harry. He opened the door and stepped inside, quickly closing it and walking over to his desk, sitting down with the mirror cradled in his hands.

"Hello?" Harry was saying, finger prodding the glass.

"Stop that, Potter, and learn patience for once in your life," Severus scolded.

"Oh, hi!" Harry said, his grin appearing in the mirror. Severus smiled despite himself. "Heard all of the arguing. Thought you might have yelled at someone."

"No point to it," Severus said. "Most people will react in that manner…Especially in such a chaotic environment as being surrounded by those old coots."

"How have things been?" Harry asked.

Severus sighed heavily and rubbed his temples. "Exhausting. I am doing my best, but it doesn't seem to be enough. There is not much I can actually do myself without being obvious…I can only rely on the other professors stepping in and doing their part."

Harry frowned and nodded. "I notice there are a lot of people in the infirmary."

Unable to help from feeling alarmed, Severus sat up straight and stared down at him. Harry grinned. "I have the Map. Just found it a few days ago. Been watching the castle when Mione isn't jumping down my throat."

"Ah, of course," Severus replied. The Marauder's Map. "The Carrows are very enthusiastic about their job…I would have thought the excitement would have died down by now, but they are just as cruel as ever."

"No one's died?" Harry asked hesitantly.

"No," Severus said, tempted to add _not yet_. Oddly enough, he never really thought of the Carrows killing anyone…Though it was a very real possibility.

"Serious injuries?" Harry asked.

"Nothing that isn't able to be healed," Severus assured him.

"Oh good," Harry said, smiling a bit more. "Wish I could be there."

Severus snorted. "Even if you were not Undesirable Number One, you would somehow end up in more trouble than Longbottom or Weasley could ever hope to."

Harry grinned broadly. "Thanks," he laughed, but slowly the amusement left his face. "What have they been up to?"

"Open rebellion," Severus sighed, rolling his eyes. "You Gryffindors can do nothing quietly, can you?" Severus sighed. "They stand up to the Carrows more bluntly than I would hope. Longbottom, Weasel, and Loony Lovegood tried to steal the Sword of Gryffindor from my office today."

"Wow," Harry said, surprise filling his face. Before he could say more, he apparently heard something and was moving. Severus's eyebrows furrowed together as he tried to figure out what was going on. "Shite! Hermione's coming back…She'll bite my head off if I'm not _reading_," he muttered.

"You _should_ be focusing on your task, Harry," Severus told him, though his heart sank at the idea of Harry having to leave so soon. He would give Granger a piece of his mind, if he could.

"Shut up," Harry grumbled. "I'll talk to you tomorrow?"

"If we can manage it," Severus nodded.

"Right," Harry said. "I love you, Severus."

He felt ridiculous for doing so, but he couldn't help but grin at the boy's breathless words, a certain warmth filling his chest. "I love you, too, Harry."

He watched the mirror through the movements and the muffled voice of Granger as Harry quickly shoved his own mirror into a hiding spot. Severus set the mirror flat onto the desk and traced the edges of it, frowning deeply. He felt suddenly very lonely, very empty…wishing he could call Harry back to him. It was foolish, though…It did neither of them well to have these mirrors. They both had very important tasks to focus on, after all.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **Very glad I came up with the idea of the two-way mirror! Was not in my notes at all, but I remembered it when reading through _Deathly Hallows _again and decided it needed to be used! Otherwise I would be a very sad writer with little Snarry contact…At least the mirror gives us a bit more, eh? Hehehe. ANYWAY! It's not much, but it gives you a taste of how things have been and will be for a while. There will probably be another time jump in the next chapter, but it should smooth out after that. Should have a bit more action in it!

Anyway, big thanks to my reviewers! Glad to have some new people leaving comments! Thank you xXxElectraxXx, Guest, Serpent91, slytherinfighter2011, written4u, BillBabe, Anniriel, vampirexsama, da-blk-saiyangirl, and MasonMoon321 for reviewing!

To xXxElectraxXx: If Sev was my headmaster, I'd be getting in trouble ALL THE TIME!

To Guest: Aww thanks so much! I'm glad you're enjoying!

To vampirexsama: I feel bad for Sevy, but he did kill Dumbledore and come out as a Death Eater, so we can't blame them too much lol. I'm glad you liked the Galleon message scene =) Not really planned until I got there, but I really liked it.

Chapter title lyrics from "Save Me" by Avenged Sevenfold.


	75. He is a Villain by the Devil's Law

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_He is a Villain by the Devil's Law_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

_DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY! STILL RECRUITING!_

Severus sighed heavily as he approached the wall, following closely after the Carrows who were leading the way. The words were a fiery-orange red that seemed to glow as if they were flames. Running his finger over the letters proved the contrary…the words, though they seemed alive, were smooth and felt no different than the rest of the wall, though icy cold to the touch, several degrees cooler than the rest of the wall.

It was mid December now, a little over two months since Longbottom, Weasley, and Lovegood had made their attempt in stealing the fake sword. Nothing had gotten easier, since. The trio had made one more attempt a few days after he gave the fake sword to the Dark Lord (who had, in turn, given it to Bellatrix Lestrange to be stored in her Gringott's vault. Severus had, instead of displaying himself to them, had done a quick work of using concealment charms onto himself to watch them the moment the wards alerted him that someone was attempting to break in. He stood hidden in one corner, watching them, as they searched his office high and low. It was the middle of the night…truly risky business on their part, but when they found no sword, they reluctantly left and touched nothing and Severus let them go.

Severus was unable to spare them all of the other punishments they had earned. There was not much he himself could do, other than to make sure other professors were aware when particular things happened so that they could take a somewhat bigger role in actually helping things. Severus himself had to play his role to perfection, finding it difficult to maintain his façade as an evil bastard and reminding himself of the man he truly was. He made damn sure he played his part, because he had to keep his position at all costs…Even if it meant living with confusion and guilt he never seemed to escape since accepting the Dark Mark.

"Are there others?" he asked calmly.

"Dunno. S'the only one we saw," Amycus explained. "Told you right away."

Severus nodded his head and turned his back to the writing on the wall, facing his Deputy Heads. "It comes at no surprise. Rebellion is only in their nature."

"We should stomp it out of them, then," Amycus said with a nasty grin.

"I thought that was what we had been doing," grumbled Alecto.

"Longbottom must be heading this thing," growled Amycus.

"That would be a reasonable assumption," Severus agreed.

"We'll teach him a thing or two," Alecto said with a sly grin. "He already has detention with me tonight."

"Again?" Severus asked. "Tsk tsk. One would think even a dunderhead like Longbottom would learn after these past few months."

"What do we do about this Dumbledore's Army, headmaster?" Amycus asked.

"We should question all of the students about it," Alecto suggested with a wicked smirk. "Bring 'em in…torture the information out of 'em."

"That would require too much time and too much effort for a juvenile organization that can, at best, offer nothing more than a bit of open rebellion we will undoubtedly punish them for anyway. They never caused many real problems in their beginning other than birth unneeded paranoia in the Ministry of Magic. They do nothing but practice spells and charms that toddlers should be able to perform. I am not overly concerned with taking them down. Let them have their asinine dreams of an uprising. We can bring them down at their every attempt…If we can find proof of who is part of this _group_ we would do well to remind them that the formation of groups at Hogwarts is, currently, prohibited."

Midway through talking he felt a familiar warm feeling against his pelvis. He had the charmed Galleon in an inner pocket there. Obviously someone had discovered something or, better yet, _done_ something. Severus was eager to look at the coin to see what was going on, but knew he could do no such thing around the Carrows. He stood tall and watched them as they glared down the corridors.

"What do we do about the wall?" Alecto asked.

"Have the students in detention scrub it off," Severus demanded. "I will have Horace prepare a solution that will take it off."

"Aww…I had more painful things in mind than _cleaning_," Alecto grumbled.

"Aww, 'Lecto…Torture 'em while they clean," Amycus suggested with a grin.

"Right! Brilliant," Alecto said with a matching smile.

"As interesting as it is to hear you plan out your detentions, you both have duties you are neglecting," Severus reminded them, raising his eyebrow as they stared at him blankly. "You both have classes that start around now, do you not?"

"Ah, they can wait," Alecto giggled. "They can start to leave and we can punish them for not showing up to class."

"I like your mind, sister," Amycus said.

"_Go_," Severus said, glaring at them.

"You're no fun, Severus," Alecto scoffed.

"Hogwarts is not your playground," he growled. "The Dark Lord wants them taught, not for you to mess around. Now go teach your classes, before I inform the Dark Lord of your impudence. I assure you, he would easily replace you both."

Alecto and Amycus sobered up quickly and nodded, heading off down the corridor together, muttering under their breath. "Can't believe our lord left _him_ in charge of _us_," Alecto mumbled.

"Shhh…We should not question the Dark Lord's orders," Amycus whispered.

"I know, I know!"

Severus watched as they disappeared down the hallway and glared at the wall before heading to his office. Everyone was in class and luckily no one was skipping and roaming the halls. Even upper years who had free hours were off on their own and not dumb enough to linger in the corridors. The moment the doors to his office closed, he dug into his robes and pulled out the Galleon, quickly looking around the edges.

_Bellatrix's vault. Maybe H cups, not sure. Something's hidden there, though. - D_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"MIONE!" Harry exclaimed, jumping out of bed and closing his hand around the Galleon he had only just found changed on his bedside table. He had just gotten out of the shower and checked the coin, surprised to find it had actually been changed to include new information.

"HARRY! YOU SAW IT?" Hermione shouted and Harry heard the sound of her footsteps on the staircase.

"Harry?"

Harry spun around in surprise and scrambled back over to the bedside table to grab the two-way mirror. "Severus?" Harry said into the mirror, grinning when he saw Severus's face, though he looked back up almost immediately when his door burst open.

"I didn't want to disturb you in the shower," she said breathlessly.

"Smart girl," Severus drawled and Harry laughed. Hermione blinked in surprise.

"Oh, hi, Professor Snape!" Hermione said, walking over to sit beside Harry on his bed.

"Miss Granger," Severus acknowledged with a nod. "You received Draco's message?"

"Just saw it," Harry said with a grin. "This is great!"

"I feel I must warn you to be extremely careful," Severus cautioned. "Do not just rush into this…As important as this task is, do not go near Gringotts until you have this thought out entirely. You are dealing with one of the most psychotic Death Eaters that is loyal to the Dark Lord…They are very wealthy, very prudent, and very skilled in the Dark Arts."

"Don't worry, even if he were so inclined, I wouldn't let him do anything too rash," Hermione promised with a smile.

"Contrary to popular belief, I am not a complete moron," Harry said, rolling his eyes.

"It wouldn't be the first time you've acted impulsively," Severus muttered.

"Well-"

"Do we recall the incident at the Ministry?" Severus reminded him.

"Sirius was in trouble! Or I thought he was," Harry defended, though it was halfhearted. He remembered exactly what happened at the Ministry. Voldemort made him believe he was going to kill Sirius…He wasted no time using the Floo in Umbridge's office to contact Sirius, but had gotten Kreacher instead who lied saying Sirius was gone…Got caught…Left to the Ministry and put his friends and the Order in danger for no reason…and Ron? His best friend…His very first friend…Someone who had been like a brother to him…had died.

Beside him, Hermione seemed to have grown tense. Her mind seemed to be in the same place.

"Regardless of your reasons, you have been known to act impetuously and it would not be wise to do so in this situation," Severus warned. "I will do all that I can to help in this situation, but you must keep in mind that this is _Gringotts_ and this is the _Lestranges_ and you must approach this situation with the utmost caution."

"I know, I know, I know…We might not be able to do anything about it for years at the rate we're going," Harry muttered. "But it's still good that we at least know where one is. Right?"

"Right," Severus agreed. "How _is_ this task of yours coming along?"

"Er…" said Harry, glancing uneasily at Hermione.

It had been a little over a week since Harry had the chance to talk to Severus. They communicated more than they had, but it was still difficult to find time to speak with one another. Not much had changed in that week. Not much had changed in the past two and a half months. Harry and Hermione had visited the orphanage Tom Riddle had grown up in only to find it torn down. They had dug around the grounds a bit as their only desperate option, but that had given them nothing. At their most desperate they searched random areas of Albania, though neither truly expected to find anything there. They fought, mostly, considering one had to wear the Horcrux at all times and it normally put them in the most awful of moods. The only progress that had been made was eliminating more and more of the possibilities they had thought of. The lack of success only made them crabbier than usual and was making living conditions very tense.

At least today, the new information made it hard for the Horcrux to make Hermione too sour. She didn't seem nearly as excited as Harry felt, especially since the mention of the day at the Ministry (the day Ron died) was brought up, but she had been much worse for a long time.

"I managed to find some books around the house," Hermione admitted weakly. "We apparently didn't throw away everything when we were cleaning the house two years ago. They're new…mostly about Dark Arts…and I have a feeling I might be able to find particular Dark objects if I keep looking…It's at least something new to look at," she said with a frown, though she seemed to feel the hopelessness Harry was feeling. They had made it _no where_ in four and a half months. Since arriving to Grimmauld Place at the beginning of August, the best they had done was getting their hands on the real locket and they knew the location of another.

Severus sighed heavily and nodded his head gravely. "They should, hopefully, produce more useful information than anything you may have borrowed from the school or myself. Horcruxes are of such rare and such Dark magic that you may need equally rare and Dark magic to destroy it. As interested as I may always have been in the Dark Arts, I never dared keep anything at Hogwarts that would be of such an…intensely evil level of magic. If the Black library offers nothing of use I may check my home when I have the time and send one of the house elves with anything useful I might own."

"That would be very wonderful! Thank you so much, Professor," Hermione said with a relieved smile. "You don't…I mean, woul-"

Hermione was cut off by a loud ringing sound that brought a guilty and relieved look to Hermione's face while Harry could only groan in dread. Severus raised his eyebrow in confusion. "An alarm," Harry explained. "Time to swi-"

Hermione had already eagerly yanked off the locket and now looked incredibly calmed, though she bit her lip uncertainly. "You know, Harry…I could always wear it another hour, if you would like some…time with Professor Snape. You know…that will be pleasant."

It was an incredibly tempting offer. "No, Mione…I'll take it," Harry said, reaching out his hand for it.

Hermione held onto it and forced herself to smile as she put the locket back on. "It's fine, Harry."

"No it's not…You're unpleasant when you wear that thing," Harry said with a shaky laugh, glad at the idea of having another free hour, but also feeling bad. It was Hermione's turn to not deal with it.

"So are you," Hermione teased. "It's only another hour and I'll leave you two alone soon to go look through the new books I found."

"I figure we all have more important things to discuss than arguing over who will wear the locket," Severus pointed out. "Now, what were you asking me, Miss Granger?"

"I was only wondering if…Well, since you have books on the Dark Arts if you were in possession of any…any Dark objects, perhaps?" Hermione asked.

Harry frowned and looked into the mirror at his lover's face, now troubled and thoughtful. He leaned back into his chair and shifted the mirror around some, finger tracing his thin lips the way he often did when he was thinking of things so seriously. "Nothing that would be of any aid, I believe…But I will look through what I do have when I am there. I do not think it would hurt to at least attempt to use some of them, though I highly doubt they will be of use to you."

"Anything you can provide will be wonderful, Professor Snape," Hermione said gratefully. "How is Hogwarts?"

"Much the same as it has been lately, I suppose," Severus explained. "The D.A. is reforming."

Harry blinked in surprise. "Err…Is that good or bad?" he asked, glancing from Severus to Hermione. On the one hand, the D.A. coming back was great. It would be a great defense against the Carrows and if the original members could help other students learn to defend themselves or could help protect some of the other students, that would be great. On the other hand, though, that could mean a lot of trouble for the members involved.

"It would be good, I believe, if they were not so blatantly defiant. They are trying to push our buttons, the Carrows and myself, and it is incredibly imprudent of them. They announced they were recruiting by writing so on the wall on the third floor today," Severus explained, rolling his eyes. "I believe Longbottom is up to it, along with the Weasley girl and Lovegood. Longbottom has become Hogwarts' new hero in your absence, Harry."

"Good for him," Harry replied with a smile. Not so good, since Neville apparently ended up detention a great deal and detention was, these days, awful…He hated that he wasn't there to do his part, but he was glad that someone was standing up to the Carrows and their tyranny.

"Yes, well, it will be if he manages to keep this organization from being caught," Severus said. "The consequences would be calamitous."

"Er…Would be…_what_?" Harry asked.

Severus smirked and Hermione scoffed. Harry glared at them both. "It would be disastrous, Harry," Hermione explained impatiently. Severus frowned in concern.

"I can take the locket now, you know," Harry reminded her.

Hermione blinked and flushed. "I'm sorry," she sighed. "I should get back to reading and try to make plans for Godric's Hollow and Gringotts, now. Enjoy your time with Professor Snape." Hermione leaned over and gave him a peck on the cheek before standing up and leaving the room.

"You'll need to be careful in Godric's Hollow," Severus warned. "Do not go near Bathilda Bagshot."

"Oh…Why? Is she being Imperiused?" Harry asked, frowning. Bathilda Bagshot was the witch who wrote _A History of Magic_. He remembered his mother writing about her in the letter he found in Sirius's room and recalled one of the Weasley relatives mentioning her at Percy and Penelope's wedding, though he hadn't caught the whole conversation.

"I cannot be sure…I believe so," Severus explained. "The Dark Lord has not said much, but I have gathered from certain comments in meetings that he is using her in some way."

"Alright," Harry said with a frown. They always knew they faced the threat of Death Eaters or even Voldemort himself every time they went out, but _knowing_ there was something or someone waiting for them in Godric's Hollow made him hesitate. He was tempted to ask Severus his thoughts on going to Godric's Hollow, but changed his mind and said nothing.

"I'm afraid I will not have much time here, Harry," Severus said reluctantly.

"Figures," Harry muttered. He knew why Severus was always busy. He had an important job to do. Harry could never ask for more when he knew lives were at stake and Severus had to do all he could to keep things under control. "I'll try to keep the mirror around so if you do have time…I'll have it on me."

"As long as it does not interfere with your work," warned Severus.

"I know," Harry sighed. "I just miss you. I feel like I'm going crazy here…between the Horcrux, Hermione wearing the Horcrux, getting nothing done…" He scratched the side of his head and glared at the doorway for a moment in frustration.

"Believe me, it is not much of an improvement where I'm sitting," Severus assured him. "I would appreciate your presence, as well…But there is only so much we can do."

"Y'know…We might do our jobs better if we were happier," Harry said with a grin.

"Or we would become too distracted to get anything done," Severus pointed out.

"The way things are, I doubt we'd stay distracted long enough," Harry assured him.

Severus smiled wryly. "That is probably for the best. I will do what I can to visit you soon and pass along any useful information I come across."

"Can we just…just not…talk about this for a few minutes?" Harry asked, feeling a bit frustrated. He loved what time he had to speak with Severus, but it seemed the only things they had to talk about were things he wanted to not think about for at least a few minutes a day. Did they have to dedicate every minute of every day to their tasks? Maybe they should…But he felt like he was going crazy. He needed a break…a _real_ break…a _mental break_. To be able to do something else without his mind still focused on all of this.

"What would you prefer to discuss?" Severus asked irritably.

"I dunno," Harry sighed, setting the mirror on his knee and raking his fingers through his hair. "Erm…What should we do once this is all over?"

"Celebrate or go into hiding, I presume? It all depends on the outcome," Severus replied dryly.

"Let's say we win…because we will," Harry said. "After all of the celebrations. What will you do with your newfound freedom?"

"I suppose I'll have to sit through trial before I have any true freedom," Severus pointed out with a frown. "I am a Death Eater and the murderer of Albus Dumbledore, you know."

Harry laughed and rolled his eyes, though he knew it was true. More than likely there would be some complications. "So pessimistic," Harry teased. "Well, what about once you're cleared of all charges?"

"If I am?" Severus corrected.

"_When_," Harry said pointedly. "Will you continue teaching?"

"And suffer through another few generations of idiotic brats like Longbottom and yourself?" Severus asked with a snort.

"Then what _will_ you do? Become a male model?" Harry joked.

"Hilarious, Mr. Potter," Severus said dryly, quirking an eyebrow. "I never gave my future much real thought. I suppose I could…involve myself in research…in any number of things, I suppose…I am knowledgeable in many different areas. I could easily find somewhere I would be thrive."

"You could always work more on that potion you were making for Vector," Harry said. "Or was it her sister?"

"Her sister and her lover," Severus said with a nod. "There are a number of potions I have considered creating…I would have more time to work on them."

"Yeah," Harry said with a smile.

"And you, Harry?" Severus asked. "Where will we find the Boy Who Lived at the end of this?"

"Probably in Auror training," he admitted. "And, of course, we'll get married and once you finish your potion we can compete with the Weasleys over who will have the most children."

Harry burst into laughter at the alarmed look on Severus's face. Severus quickly turned it into a scowl. "Very amusing. Are you attempting to frighten me away intentionally, Potter?"

"No…I'd like to still have a…" _Boyfriend? _It was weird to think of Severus as his _boyfriend_. He was no boy, was he? Lover? "Erm…significant other? By the end of this."

Severus chuckled. "I think you should be more worried about coming out alive."

"I can worry about both, can't I?" Harry said with a grin.

"Of course," Severus said. "I must be going now, Harry…I've been gone longer than I intended."

"Oh," Harry said, frowning in disappointment.

"I will endeavor to contact you later tonight, Harry," Severus assured him.

"Alright. I love you," Harry said, wishing Severus didn't have to go and dreading having to return to work and, even worse, returning to that damned Horcrux.

"I love you, too, my Harry," Severus said quietly, looking no more eager to leave than Harry was. "Goodbye."

"Bye," Harry muttered, watching the colors in the mirror as Severus placed it in the drawer of his desk until he saw nothing. Frowning, he stood up and held the mirror close as he walked out of the room to go find Hermione.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Severus strode out of his rooms quickly, eager to get Bathilda Bagshot's actual address out of Albus and pester the old man about giving Harry and Granger the Sword of Gryffindor, to catch the portraits up on the latest information (courtesy of Draco), among other things. Before he could get a word out, there was a loud knock on the door and Severus sighed heavily. "Come in!" he barked, sitting himself behind his desk as the door opened and Theodore and Pansy marched in, dragging three Gryffindors with him: Romilda Vane, Stavros Agnos, and Demelza Robins. Their Head Boy and Girl badges glimmered tauntingly at him.

There had been little choice, with things as they were.

"Caught these two out of class," Theodore said with a grin.

"We didn't want to disturb the Professors Carrow…We thought you might like the honor, anyway," Pansy said with a proud smile.

"I see," Severus said, incredibly annoyed that he was being bothered because three students were out of class.

"They were writing on the walls," Theodore explained. "With these."

Theodore kicked the door shut, sparking indignant cries from the portraits. "Young man, show this room some respect!" snapped Phyllida Spore.

"Absolute insolence," muttered Phineas Nigellus Black.

"My dear headmasters…it is only a door," Albus interjected.

Severus ignored them and held out his hand to receive the objects from Theodore's hand. They looked to be long, thick markers. Severus set them on his desk and held only one in his hand to examine. It was white with purple on either end and purple writing on the side. _Weasley Wizard Wheezes: Extra Permanent Markers_. _Poisoned Purple_ was written on the opposite side as the color name. There was also _Avada Kedavra Green_, _Black and Blue Bruise_, _Gryffindor Gold_, _Slytherin Silver_, _Vomit Green_, _Pus Yellow_, _Fiendfyre-works _(this one looked to be red, yellow, and orange…he suspected this was the culprit for the message the Carrows had led him to earlier), and _Pimple Pink_.

"Are there more?" he asked after examining each one. The markers themselves didn't seem to have warnings of any kind written on them.

Theodore and Pansy nudged the three Gryffindors, but they could only glare and say nothing.

"No more disturbing colors? No instructions?" Severus prompted, falling into his role again. "Anyone?"

"Maybe we should check out the Weasel shop," Pansy suggested excitedly.

Severus ignored her. "What did you write?"

The Gryffindor glares only became harder.

"Well?" he pushed, glancing to the Head Boy and Girl now.

"This one was drawing a phoenix on one wall," Pansy said, shoving Vane a bit.

"This one was writing _SUPPORT THE ORDER_ by it," Theodore said, nodding to Agnos. "And this one was writing _SUPPORT HARRY POTTER_ on another wall," he said, nodding then to Robin.

Idiots. It had to be _law_ that all Gryffindors were idiots. It was the only thing that made sense with their ridiculous behavior.

"I see," Severus said, folding his hands over the desk. "Nott, Parkinson…You may leave. Ten points a piece for apprehending the culprits."

Punishing the heroes and rewarding the villains. Theodore and Pansy grinned and turned to walk off. Theodore paused as he opened the door for Pansy and shot Severus a particular look that Severus couldn't quite read, and didn't' quite want to. It wasn't the same look of awe and thrill the other Slytherins liked to give him. It was almost like a warning…suspicion…_something_ off.

Severus couldn't let himself think about that right now.

"So which one of you is recruiting members for Potter's old organization?" Severus inquired. "The D.A., is it?"

They didn't say anything.

"Are you incapable of speech or are you merely being rude?" Severus inquired. War or not…act or not…it was still infuriating to deal with such disrespect from students. He reminded himself that he was the enemy…That they were supposed to hate him. It made sense for them to treat him this way…Even if it was foolish of them to go through such lengths to push the buttons of Death Eaters. Had these students no sense of self preservation?

"I see," he said after several moments of silence. "You are aware, of course, that I possess many means of _forcing_ you to speak?"

They glared defiantly back at him.

"I could just as easily feed you Veritaserum…Coerce you into surrendering the names of your allies…and so much more. Soon, I can have you spilling your innermost secrets…even those secrets belonging to your _club_," Severus told them.

"You can't!" Vane immediately spat. "Giving Veritaserum to students is against the school rules, _headmaster_."

"Unforgivable Curses are illegal, as well, are they not?" Severus pointed out. Not only did the Carrows use Unforgivable Curses on students, but they had the students perform them on each other in class. The laws didn't apply to people like the Carrows and Snape and the other Death Eaters…Laws were only meant for those people they wanted to use them against.

Vane turned flustered and she sputtered a moment, looking desperately between Agnos and Robin. Agnos clenched his fists, looking close to snapping himself, but he kept quiet. Only Robin looked somewhat calm among her peers.

"Fortunately for you, I am fresh out of Veritaserum…for the moment," Severus assured them. A lie, of course, but it kept him from having to do anything truly extreme. "You will have detention with Filch for the week…Scrubbing the words you wrote off of the walls by any means Mr. Filch sees fit. This weekend you will spend your nights in the Forbidden Forest helping Professor Hagrid."

"The Forbidden Forest?" Vane cried out.

"With _Hagrid_?" Agnos said distastefully.

Robin, again, remained silent, but her eyes widened in fear.

Unlike the previous group he had sentenced to detention with Hagrid, they were rightfully doubtful of the oaf…Going into a dangerous forest with a dangerous (yet loveable, apparently) half-giant seemed awful to them, and Severus was glad for it. Hagrid would protect them, but it was still frightening enough to save his reputation.

"_Yes_," Severus said with a smirk. "_If_ you come out alive, maybe you will learn _not_ to test me."

"You can't do this!" Vane shrieked, jumping forward, only Robin stepping forward to grab her arm and yank her back. Agnos looked like he would be right behind Vane.

"I assure you that I can do whatever I please, Miss Vane," Severus said.

"You are a _monster_!" spat Vane. "The D.A. and the Order are going to take you _down_! Harry Potter's going to KILL You-Know-Who! Do you hear me? He's going to _kill_ him! He's the Chosen One! And once he does you will have nothing to hide behind, you bastard!"

"Romilda, stop!" Robin growled, thankfully stronger than Vane and able to pull her back without Agnos's help. "Let's go!"

"Let her give him a piece of her mind," said Agnos.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor for your outburst, Miss Vane," Severus said calmly. "Though it is relieving to know that none of you actually lost your ability to speak."

"I'm sure you think so," Agnos spat. "You want us to be able to speak so you'll be able to hear us scream when you torture us. Isn't that right? Sick sadistic bastard."

"Twenty points from Mr. Agnos, as well," Severus said. "And yes. That is half the fun, I admit. Though if you would give no one any reasons to harm you, you would have nothing to worry about. You and your friends are very flamboyant in their defiance of my rule…Foolish of you, you realize? You'll only suffer, the more you fight back."

_The more you blatantly fight back, at any rate_, he thought to himself.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Vane snarled.

Severus only grinned. "You may leave. Return to class…I will know if you have not. Report for detention at seven o'clock tonight."

"Come _on_…Romilda…Stavros…_now_," Robin hissed, grabbing their arms and tugging them along. To his credit, Agnos went along a bit more willingly than Vane did. Vane looked like she would have given anything to pick a fight with Severus, but was eventually pulled from the office by her friends.

Severus relaxed the moment the door closed and turned his chair to face the portriat behind his desk, the portrait of Albus.

The old man smiled a smile that was both sad and proud. "Well…they have spirit."

Severus scoffed.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **I apologize for the delay. I had a super bad weekend and it's been hard to get anything done. I'll be at my dad's house all week so it might still be difficult, but I should hopefully be able to post more frequently throughout the week. I cannot wait for Christmas when I get my new laptop! Hopefully a lot more will get done then lol.

Anyway, big thanks to my reviewers: vampirexsama, Mossyrock, Anniriel, da-blk-saiyangirl, xXxElectraxXx, Serpent91, Kaiya Sumeragi, DawnCloud221, SexciiLexi, and Sonicgirl582! I really appreciate the feedback!

Chapter title lyrics from "Criminal" by Britney Spears.


	76. Who's the Victim if it Doesn't Make a Di

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Who's the Victim if it Doesn't Make a Difference Now?_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"We're finally going to Godric's Hollow tomorrow."

"You should probably get some rest, then. You likely have a long day ahead of you."

"Not trying to get rid of me, are you?"

"Merely attempting to be certain that you are well prepared for the task ahead of you."

Harry sighed and shook his head, reaching over beside him to rearrange the pillows there to hold the mirror up. He had been laying down for a few minutes now, and holding the mirror from that position had been uncomfortable. He then settled back into his own pillow and looked back into the mirror, into the amused smile of his lover. "All I want right now is to spend time with you. We can go at any time tomorrow and we hardly have time to talk."

It had only been a few days since their last discussion, the day Draco had used their charmed Galleons to let them know that a Horcrux was hidden in a vault of Bellatrix Lestrange. It wasn't often they had been able to talk these past few months, though, and Harry was always willing to do whatever he could to spend as much time talking to Severus as possible. Everything was so serious and feeling more and more hopeless. Harry needed something happy and good to focus on.

"Well then talk, Mr. Potter," Severus said with an amused smile.

"You should lay down, too," Harry said. "Maybe it'll feel more like you're here."

"You are ridiculous."

"Just do it."

Severus stared at him.

Harry sighed heavily. "Please?"

"You hold the same childishly romantic thought-patterns Albus did," Severus grumbled as he moved from his desk to his own bed, laying down and propping up his own pillow to hold his mirror the same way Harry had. He looked completely uncomfortable where he laid and Harry chuckled.

"Sure you can't come pay me a visit?" Harry asked. "You wouldn't think it was so childish and romantic or whatever else then."

"I assure you, I would," Severus said. "And while I would very much like to, I do not think I can risk it just yet."

"Right," Harry said, still feeling strongly disappointed, though he had anticipated such an answer. The pair lapsed into silence after that, something Harry didn't completely notice at first. He spent several long seconds thinking of what it would be like if Severus did come see him and wondering if he ever would or could. When Harry brought himself back into focus, he found himself bothered by the lack of talk. It wasn't like they always held this long-winded conversations or anything…Many times when they were together, they were perfectly fine just silently enjoying the presence of one another. But it was a rare occasion they got to speak and even if this mirror had allowed more frequent communication, it still wasn't the same. Shouldn't there be more? Right now it was hard to enjoy being with one another (in a sense…it was the best way they could be with each other right now), because all he really could feel was anxiousness and awkwardness and feeling somewhat guilty, knowing that this was a waste of time. They both had "more important" things to be doing. It seemed wrong thinking of it that way…"waste of time" and "more important matters", but it was true.

They were at war.

"All we ever talk about are things related to the war, really," Harry mumbled after a minute. "Or how much we miss and love each other and want to see each other…" Realizing _that_ was even more awkward. Did he really say those things that often? Didn't that make him sound like some girl or something? That was probably sexist or something, but Harry couldn't think of many blokes who just went around telling their partners things like that…not without being told first.

Severus chuckled darkly and pulled Harry from his thoughts. "There is a war going on…a war we both have very big roles in, Harry. We _can't_ be normal right now."

"Right," Harry said. "Merlin…Makes sense, I guess. Just been hoping for different…I thought that if we did this I could get my mind off of everything. But I can't…and I probably shouldn't, either."

"No, you shouldn't," Severus said quietly. "The sooner we end this war the better."

Harry nodded slowly and sighed heavily as he forced himself to sit up and pulled the mirror back into his hands. "I'll go then…See if there's anything else I can…errr…do for tomorrow."

"That would be wise," Severus agreed, looking relieved to sit up, as well. "Be safe."

"Love you."

"I love you, too."

When Severus began to move on his end, Harry reluctantly slid his mirror under his pillow and sat on his bed a minute, soaking up the silence as he looked around the room. There really wasn't much more he had to do for tomorrow. They had been planning for a few days now. Only Hermione in all of her paranoia was triple and quadruple checking everything. It was getting late…So maybe he could try to sleep…

Somehow he doubted he'd be able to right now, but for lack of any other options, he turned off his light and climbed under the covers. To be honest, he had never felt more useless in his life. He and Hermione spent their days going over the same ideas, the same books, the same everything. They never got anything new. People were dying out there…captured and tortured…Hogwarts wasn't the same. Voldemort had taken over and he was ruining everything, and what was Harry doing? Hiding out in this house getting nothing done. Only three more objects, one unknown, and they could be anywhere in the world. Who was to say Voldemort hadn't been _smart_ and hid them somewhere random…Safe, but some place no one would expect. There had to be more places like that than anything else, right? Were they going to have to search the entire earth to find these things? The only real breakthrough had come this morning when Hermione made a point about the Sword of Gryffindor…How it was goblin-made, how it would imbibe only that which made it stronger, and how it was impregnated with basilisk venom and thus could destroy Horcruxes…

But they didn't have it. Hermione had a theory that it might be hidden somewhere in Godric's Hollow, as well, but that was really all she had come up with. She considered for one excited moment that Dumbledore might have given it to Bathilda Bagshot, but Harry had ot remind her that Severus had warned them not to meet her.

They weren't doing enough. Harry frowned and rubbed his hands over his face before raking them through his hair.

Tomorrow they were headed for Godric's Hollow…That was a start. They _had_ to find something there.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

It was late the following afternoon when Hermione deemed them ready to leave. Death Eaters had stopped showing up outside of Grimmauld Place frequently, but Hermione still left under the Invisibility Cloak to take hairs from a Muggle family taking a walk down the street. Kreacher managed to help them find clothes that would fit them and promised a warm meal when they returned home. Harry and Hermione thanked the little creature before Hermione finally put the hairs into two separate phials of Polyjuice Potion and handing one to Harry.

"And you're sure this is the bloke?" Harry asked hesitantly. Their first encounter with Polyjuice had been disastrous for Hermione, so Harry found himself a bit wary of the stuff. He had even been uncertain about it when he had to use it for Percy and Penelope's wedding.

"I'm sure," Hermione said irritably. She was still wearing the locket. Holding up her own phial, she scrunched up her face as she downed the potion.

Harry did the same.

Harry watched as Hermione's face melted and morphed into that of a homely middle aged woman with short auburn hair and hazel eyes and grew a few inches. Harry plucked off his glasses when his vision became bad and found that this Muggle, at least, had good vision. He put his glasses into the pocket of his now fitting clothes and frowned when he realized Hermione was an inch or two taller than him. "Damn it. Even in Polyjuice I'm still short," he grumbled. Height was the least of his worries at the moment, but it at least made Hermione crack a smile. Harry was a middle aged man with dark blond hair and pale blue eyes. He didn't really feel short on his own…The Muggle was an inch or so taller than he was, but his wife, apparently, was still taller and Harry still felt short.

"Well…Let's go, then," Hermione said. She made sure her little purse was on her before throwing the Cloak over them and checked to make sure she had her purse again while under it. Harry could tell she was just itching to look through it again, making sure they had everything. Harry took her hand and they walked to the door together, working to get them both out of the door without moving the Cloak to where it would come up around their ankles. There was still no sign of Death Eaters out there. Hermione moved closer and squeezed his hand more tightly before Apparating to Godric's Hollow.

The ended up standing in a snowy lane under a dark blue sky, the sun having just set and the first stars having just appeared. Cottages stood on either side of the narrow road and Christmas decorations were twinkling in the windows. A short ways ahead of them there was the glow of golden streetlights.

"All of this snow!" Hermione whispered anxiously from beneath the Cloak. "Why didn't we think of snow? After all our precautions, we'll just leave prints! We'll just have to get rid of them-you go in front, I'll do it-"

It was hard enough keeping the Cloak around them both without having to walk one in front of the other and trying to cover up footprints at the same time. Harry shook his head.

"Let's take off the Cloak," said Harry and when she looked frightened, "Oh, come on, we don't look like us and there's no one around."

Harry stowed the Cloak under his jacket and they made their way forward, the icy air stinging their faces as they passed more cottages. Hermione shivered and looked tense and Harry wasn't sure if it was from the cold or fear or both. He kept hold of her hand, though, and stood close by her. He looked around at the houses all around them, wondering which one was Bathilda Bagshot's house…Wondering which one had been his house. Where had he been when he was younger? Had his parents ever walked these streets with him?

"They…they'll be in there, won't they? Your mum and dad? I can see the graveyard behind the church."

Harry glanced up and followed Hermione's eyes to the church up ahead of them. He could hear voices singing carols within it. He licked his lips, feeling a thrill of excitement and fear within him. He had wanted to come see them for so long, but now…Now he wasn't so sure. Hermione must have sensed this, because she squeezed his hand and took the lead for the first time and Harry let himself be pulled away.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

Severus Snape had never enjoyed Christmastime so much before. There had never been any real reason to, and it was hardly Christmas cheer that had him in a somewhat calmer mood. With the majority of students at home for the holidays, it meant a relatively stress-free environment. Fewer students than usual stayed behind, and Severus had a feeling that Neville Longbottom and Hannah Abbott only stayed behind to try to protect some of those who had no choice but to stay. Only four of the Slytherins remained…Daphne and Astoria Greengrass, because their parents seemingly had more important things to do during the holidays than spend time with their daughters. Theodore Nott and Blaise Zabini only seemed interested in sticking around to suck up to the Carrows and help terrorize the other students.

Nothing too bad had happened so far, though.

As he did every night, Severus found himself walking the darkened corridors. Everything was still and silent. The few students here aside from Longbottom and Abbott were too terrified to dare be caught roaming the halls by night. He didn't believe anyone had detention, though he would be sure to pass by Amycus and Alecto's offices to be sure. He eyed the walls as he walked by them, still finding the graffiti on the walls horrifying. The castle was old and to be respected…He didn't care how badly these idiots wanted to make a statement, they didn't need to do so on the walls. Severus didn't have the time to go hunt down something to clean off the walls and no one else seemed very interested in finding them. Most students seemed to possess the Weasley Wizard Wheezes special permanent markers.

There were drawings of phoenixes, lightning bolts, a stick figure Harry Potter standing victorious over cowering Death Eaters, and even a pretty detailed and gruesome drawing of a lion, an eagle, and a badger feeding on a dead serpent, and awful drawings of Severus, Alecto, and Amycus looking particularly hideous…Severus's nose was usually three times longer than his head, Amycus usually had abnormally large bloodshot eyes, and Alecto usually had warts and fangs. Mostly, though, the students only had the time to write out various phrases.

_SUPPORT HARRY POTTER_

_SUPPORT THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX_

_DEATH TO YOU-KNOW-WHO_

_MUGGLES ARE PEOPLE TOO_

_BUGGER OFF YOU DEATH EATERS_

_DUMBLEDORE WAS THE GREATEST WIZARD TO EVER LIVE_

_R.I.P DUMBLEDORE_

_BUGGER OFF SNAPE_

_SNAPE IS AN EVIL, GREASY GIT_

_D.A. STILL RECRUITING_

_SUPPORT THE D.A._

And other similar sayings. A few of the words about him were charmed to follow him wherever he went, sometimes having to go through some trouble maneuvering around other words and drawings if a particular wall was busy enough and would take a few minutes to catch up with him. Even now he could hear a sharp whistling sound and he glanced to his left, seeing a blur of color skid to a stop beside him, electric blue words announcing _GO BUGGER YOURSELF, SNAPE!_ that began slowly moving along the wall in the direction he moved. A flash of pink on the other wall announced that another had caught up to him.

In the distance he heard a strange noise and paused a moment, trying to determine what it was and where it was coming from. With nothing else to do and his curiosity inspired, Severus turned a corner and moved swiftly, seeing blurs of color follow in his peripheral vision. He had gotten used to it by now and didn't find it nearly so distracting or annoying as he used to. He paused at another corner to figure out where to turn next and walked down another corridor. He slowed down when he became aware of what was happening.

There was sobbing and whispered, muttered words.

"Neville, please, stop!" Hannah Abbott was pleading in a shaky voice.

"I'm not going to stop!" Neville Longbottom snapped. "That…that greasy…_bastard_ needs to know!"

"He won't care, Neville!" Abbott said.

"I…I can't…I can't believe!" sobbed another female voice.

"Shhh…It'll…It'll be o…okay, Megan," Abbott said reassuringly with a hiccup.

"It will not bloody well be okay if this keeps up!" Longbottom hissed.

"Well…Let's…let's tell Professor McGonagall or Professor Sprout!" Abbott said.

"What are they-"

"Tell me what?" came a new voice. It was Minerva.

Severus slowly walked closer and paused by the corner, listening.

"Eloise Midgen had detention with the Carrows tonight," Longbottom said angrily.

"I was there with her," Megan Jones said quietly.

"And?" prompted Minerva.

It was quiet for a moment. Jones was sobbing loudly again and Abbott was sniffling. Severus peered around the corner to see Longbottom standing there, clenching his fists. He looked furious. His cheeks were bright red and tears were steaming down his face, lips pressed into a tight line. He seemed to be struggling with control at the moment. His lips moved, but Severus couldn't' hear what he said. Minerva looked alarmed. "Pardon me, Mr. Longbottom?"

"They…_killed_…her," Longbottom choked out.

Severus's eyes widened, fists clenching at his sides. Minerva gasped, hand clutching at her chest and he swayed on her feet, reaching out to catch herself on the wall. Midgen was…or rather _had been_ one of her little lions. An ugly girl with a crooked nose and who had used to be covered in horrible acne. Severus remembered the girl in his classes…Grading her assignments harshly and watching his Slytherins torment her in class. A seventh year girl…Harry's year in Gryffindor…_Dead_.

Dead.

"Dear Merlin," Minerva gasped. "Are you sure? Be sure before you-"

"I'm positive," Jones sobbed. "I s-saw them…They…They used the…the Killing Curse on her! And I…and I checked…and she's…she's just…she's gone, Professor!"

"Oh dear," Minerva sighed. "Are…are you alright, dear?"

"No," Jones sobbed.

"Tell me what happened, Miss Jones," Minerva encouraged.

"We…We had detention because…because we didn't…didn't get back to our…to our common rooms in time, they said," Jones explained. "So they…they wanted us to curse each other, but we didn't want to…Eloise…Eloise was my best friend! And…and…and so they…they started c-cursing us and they Im…Imperio-ed us and made us…made us fight and then Crucio-ed us and…and…then they said…they said they wanted to tea…teach us the b-best c-curse and so…so they killed her and…they laughed at me and…and asked if I wanted to j-join m-my friend and…and the woman…she…she said I would…I would like it too much and that they shou-shouldn't do it…Then I went to tell Hannah and she was with Neville and then Neville wanted to go yell at Snape…"

"Longbottom!" Minerva said in a warning tone.

"He needs to know!" Longbottom huffed.

"He won't care!" Abbott reminded him.

"I know!" Longbottom snapped. "I know he won't care! But someone needs to stand up to them! Someone needs to let them know that this isn't okay! We have to do something! If people have to start dying here…This…This isn't right! We can't let this happen!"

"Mr. Longbottom, you listen to me," Minerva said sternly. "Being openly rebellious will not do you any good…Do you want more people to get hurt? We haven't been doing enough, but I assure you, Mr. Longbottom, we are doing all that we can to protect you and your classmates. The fact that one of my Gryffindors had to _die_ tonight…is…awful. And I will make sure…now more than _ever_…that we do all that we can and then some. I will not let another one of my students die. Therefore, I must _stop you_ from doing this. It would be incredibly foolish to attack our _headmaster_, even if it was only in a verbal manner."

Longbottom sighed. "I'm sorry, Professor McGonagall."

"Be safe," Minerva told them. "Longbottom, please escort Misses Abbott and Jones back to their dormitories and return to Gryffindor Tower. I will write you all an excuse that will _hopefully_ be respected if you are stopped. I will…I will go see about Miss Midgen."

"Yes, Professor," Longbottom said, voice exhausted now. "C'mon, Hannah…Megan."

Severus listened as Minerva Summoned a quill and parchment and listened to the scratch of her writing them a note and sending them along. He didn't dare move, though he quickly pulled himself back together. He pushed back his growing fury with the Carrows and straightened up. There was no time to think about his dead student now. He turned the corner as he heard Minerva approaching and smirked as they stopped in front of each other right before they would collide. Minerva glowered at him.

"One of our students has been killed tonight, Severus," Minerva said sharply.

"So I heard," he replied, raising an eyebrow. "As headmaster I will be sure to let the family know of this…tragedy."

"As her Head of House, I would not mind taking said duty off of your very busy hands," Minerva said.

Severus bowed his head to her. "I am confident that your capabilities in showing sympathy will be better than mine." And Minerva would have more of an opportunity to tell them the truth of what took place, though Severus would still be sure to send his own letter with excuses of some tragic accident that took place, to keep up his own pretenses. "My condolences, of course, Minerva. If you will excuse me, however, I do have more important matters to tend to."

"Of course you do," Minerva said coldly, storming past him and down the hall. Severus swallowed hard and turned, heading in the other direction, heading towards the dungeons. He had two teachers he needed to have a very important discussion with.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

_On this spot, on the night of 31 October 1981,_

_Lily and James Potter lost their lives._

_Their son, Harry, remains the only wizard_

_ever to have survived the Killing Curse._

_The house, invisible to Muggles, has been left _

_in its ruined state as a monument to the Potters_

_and as a reminder of the violence_

_that tore apart their family._

Harry stared at the sign and the many notes that had been scribbled on it. _Good luck, Harry, wherever you are! If you read this, Harry, we're all behind you! Long live Harry Potter!_ Harry beamed, even as Hermione indignantly exclaimed, "They shouldn't have written on the sign!"

"It's brilliant. I'm glad they did."

They stood in front of the remains of the Potter's home. The hedge that had grown wild, the waist high grass, the big hole in the roof…Never touched, left alone for the past sixteen years. His heart felt so full and he couldn't remember feeling so close to his parents or to his past than he did right now. He wanted to get closer…Maybe it wasn't totally safe, but he wanted to be closer…to look inside, if he could.

His attention was pulled away by a heavily muffled figure hobbling up the lane towards them. Hermione nudged him without looking, so she obviously hadn't seen that he already saw her. Her entire body and slow way of moving gave the impression of extreme age. They watched in silence as she drew nearer. Harry was waiting to see if she would turn into any of the cottages if she passed, feeling more anxious and curious the closer she got. At last she came to a halt a few yards from them and simply stood there in the middle of the frozen road. Hermione turned to glance at him questioningly while Harry just watched the woman, frowning as she beckoned them forward.

"You…You think that could be…?" Hermione asked.

"Who?"

"B…Bathilda Bagshot," Hermione replied.

The woman beckoned again. Harry eyed her. "She could be."

"What should we do?" Hermione asked in a panicked whisper.

"We should go," Harry said reluctantly. They hadn't been here that long and they hadn't even learned much of anything. He _had_ gotten to see his parents' graves and his old house. But he was suddenly made aware of all that they hadn't done and he felt disappointed.

"We could…maybe…come back another time…" Hermione whispered, though she quickly clutched Harry's arm and they Disapparated.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

"We were just teaching them a lesson, headmaster!" Amycus argued, looking stunned.

Severus looked slowly between the siblings. "Regardless of what you were trying to do, I do not want any more of my students murdered."

"And why is that?" Alecto demanded, glaring at him suspiciously.

"They're not that useful!" Amycus agreed.

"The Dark Lord will not want you to murder half of the student population," Severus snarled, glowering at them. The suspicious way they glared at him, though, made Severus feel uneasy. He couldn't just let them get away with killing Eloise Midgen, but he also had a bad feeling that this was going to bite him in the arse.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x **

**Author's Note: **Super sorry for the long wait! I made sure to get this up, though, so I hope it's alright! The outline is still being pretty iffy, but I should be able to write decently now. I do think that the story will maybe be a few chapters shorter than I originally thought, but I'm trying to get rid of the more useless filler chapters and try to make everything a lot better and hopefully better to write and more interesting to read! I do have a lot going on in life right now and I have started other stories…mainly for the sake of my sanity lol. It makes things easier on me to have different projects going on , though it might make me slower updating. I'll try not to be so bad with everything, though, and try to update all of them at least once a week and I'll definitely try to be better with Lost and Damned. It's one of my favorites lol!

Big thanks to my reviewers: slytherinfighter2011, vampirexsama, Sydney-Jo, written4U, Anniriel, da-blk-saiyangirl, Serpent91, xXxElectraxXx, booklover603, HentaiZaru, veronik, Kaiya Sumeragi, Bloody dawn, and monkeygirl66!

To vampirexsama: I do love snarry moments lol, though I dunno that there will be much of it going on. It's hard with a war going on and how they're doing with it all lol. But no worries, there will be more between them before the end.

Chapter title lyrics from "One Way or Another" by Kate Voegele.


	77. Everyday You're Getting Closer

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Everyday You're Getting Closer_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"They should be safe, at least for tonight. The Dark Lord called Amycus and Alecto to a meeting," Severus explained as soon as he closed the door to the headmaster's office. The portraits of past headmasters all turned with interest to either Severus or to the portrait of Albus Dumbledore behind his desk.

"Is there reason to concern that he has not involved you in his latest meetings?" Albus asked as Severus walked across the room to the desk, turning the chair behind it around so that he could face the painting.

"I do not believe so. He intends to visit soon," Severus admitted. "I doubt he will involved himself with the students, but he does send messages through the Carrows, by owl, or by Theodore Nott. I believe he merely does not want the school unsupervised for any amount of time and has more faith in me than in them. Not that I can blame him…Loyal to him they may be, but the Carrows are just as mad as the Lestranges. They could well go too far if left to their own devices."

The fact that they had already gone too far even while under his care was left unspoken, though the words were on the tip of his tongue. There was no use in wallowing over his failure in that respect and no time at all could be wasted mourning what he could have done differently to spare Eloise Midgen her life.

"Yes," Albus said quietly, sadly in a way that let Severus know that his mind was on the young dead girl, as well. Albus didn't blame him, but hearing his sorrow over the lost life made Severus want to cringe, some amount of guilt building up inside all over again.

"No one was sent to the infirmary today, so I suppose we can call today a blessing," Severus said. That wasn't to say no one had gotten hurt, and Severus did wonder if he should have worried about the lack of serious injuries, but today had gone rather well compared to most days.

"Good, very good," Albus said.

"I did manage to come across a copy of your…_biography_…today, Albus," Severus remarked, digging into his robes and pulling out the Rita Skeeter book he had confiscated from Daphne Greengrass earlier today. With little news of real importance to share, Severus figured it was high time he addressed the many things he had been hearing around Hogwarts lately. The staff (excluding the Carrows) was appalled and furious over the rumors. Those students in Dumbledore's Army felt the same way about the whole thing. Those children of Death Eaters or Death Eater wanna-bes were highly amused by the whole thing. Everyone else seemed confused and unsure of what to think. Severus had only gotten his hands on the source of all of the trouble today and had only had time to read a small bit of it.

"Ah, did you?" Albus asked, a knowing smile on his lips. "I assume, then, that you have questions?"

"Just one," Severus replied. "For now," he added, deciding it was safer to do so. Severus didn't care much about what he had heard about Albus's father. What Percival Dumbledore had done and his reasoning behind it were his own and Severus could not fault Albus for such decisions, lest he wanted the world to add his parents' sins to his own. "Concerning your…relationship to Grindelwald."

"A foul woman she might be, but Rita Skeeter does have remarkable talent for both manipulating the truth into grandiose tales and for uncovering truths just as scandalous and outrageous as her lies," Albus said.

Severus wasn't sure what to make of that, but it did not bode very well. "For once in— " he cut himself off before he could say _life_ and continued "speak plainly."

Albus chuckled. "Very well. I was close to Gellert Grindelwald in my youth," he confessed with a sad smile. "Though you might want to tell me what all she has said before I admit more than that."

Severus sighed and flipped through the book until he reached the first mention of Grindelwald. "The very summer that Dumbledore went home to Gordic's Hollow, now an orphan and head of the family, Bahtilda Bagshot agreed to accept into her home her great-nephew, Gellert Grindelwald…" He read the entire passage aloud, wanting to miss no details, should any of those he thought to be insignificant turned out to have bigger meaning. He spoke for several minutes in low tones to the hushed room, all of the portraits silent and eagerly listening in. "…Is it possible that Ariana Dumbledore was the first person to die for the greater good?"

"I assume you'll want to know more of Aberforth and Ariana, as well," Albus said quietly. "But as to your first question…Though you never did form a question, my dear Severus." Severus shot him a glare and Albus chuckled. "Oh, that look, my boy. You know you would make some sarcastic remark to anyone who told you they had a question and then never actually formulated a question. I am much kinder, I assure you.

"My relationship with Gellert Grindelwald is bound to be very shocking to everyone. I will admit to some intrigue over his ideas, but I like to think I was not so sinister as she implies. He was a confidant…the first person I could really communicate with and share my ideas with. I believe I was arrogant in my youth and believed that only he was as brilliant as me and that we understood one another in ways no one else could dream. He was my best friend…and my lover."

It had been strange and a bit disconcerting to think of Albus being friends once upon a time with a Dark wizard he eventually defeated. He never imagined they could have known each other before Grindelwald rose to power and became a threat, let alone any close ties. Severus _surely_ had never considered that Albus had been _lovers_ with Grindelwald. His shock must have shown, as he was doing little to hide it. Albus only smiled warily and watched him curiously as the words slowly began to sink in.

"Go on," Severus finally said quietly.

Albus nodded. "As you read in the book, Gellert left after Ariana's death. We kept contact for a short time and we visited one another now and then in secret. As Grindelwald ascended to power and became more ruthless and dominating, I knew I had to stop him. Our relationship disintegrated as we focused on our newfound enmity, though I am ashamed to admit that no vile deeds Gellert ever performed were enough to destroy what love I held for him. In the end, I had to face him, duel him, and ultimately defeat him, condemning him to lifelong imprisonment in his own creation, Nurmengard."

The other portraits were murmuring to each other, but Severus paid them no mind. He only watched his mentor closely, carefully going over the new information in his head. It was impossible to conjure a good mental image of anything…a young Dumbledore and Grindelwald, any sort of relationship, and especially their famous duel. He could only imagine trying to fight Harry, aiming to hurt and defeat and found it almost painful.

"Is that why you never killed him?" Severus asked curiously. He could hardly blame Albus; he wasn't sure he could kill Harry, even if he had to.

"I would never kill unless there was no other option," Albus said. "At the same time, I cannot say my feelings for Gellert never entered the equation."

Severus nodded and settled back more comfortably in his chair. He felt a bit odd about the whole situation and wasn't sure he would any time soon get used to the idea of Albus Dumbledore and Gellert Grindelwald as lovers, but it was hardly important now. Albus was dead and Grindelwald was in Nurmengard. He was curious and tempted to ask more of Albus's history with Grindelwald, but somehow this didn't feel like the right time. "And your family?"

"The matter of the Dumbledore family is a long and complicated tale, my boy, and best suited for another day," Albus said. "I feel that tonight is a good night for you to give the Sword of Gryffindor to Harry. Without the Carrows around, I trust that the students will remain safe until your return."

"Of course," Severus said, feeling both relieved at the prospect of being able to help Harry and irritated that it had taken so long for Albus to decide he could give the boy the sword. Albus's portrait swung open, revealing the true Sword of Gryffindor and Severus took the heavy weapon.

"Remember, he must only take possession of it under conditions of valor," Albus reminded him.

"Yes, I remember," Severus assured him as the portrait swung closed again. "Although, I am still unsure of how to go about creating such a condition."

"It will come to you," Albus promised with a smile that Severus would have liked nothing more than to slap off of his painted face. Wise he may be, but Albus was never helpful enough when he needed him to be. Without another word, Severus hid the sword in his robes and wrapped his arms around himself as he left the office, walking quickly away from the office. He could waste no time fiddling around and cursing Albus's name. He had to get to London quickly and find a way to hide the sword and get Harry to it.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

It had been a long day for Harry and Hermione. It was two days after their trip to Godric's Hollow and they had visited again just a few short hours ago. They found nothing and their visit had been cut short yet again by the appearance of Bathilda Bagshot. When they returned home, Hermione couldn't get out of her books and Harry had eaten dinner with Kreacher and had taken a long shower to help relax and get his mind off of things. When he finally went downstairs to talk with Hermione, he found her asleep on the floor, surrounded by her books and her notes. He carefully picked her up and left her things on the floor and carried her upstairs to her room and took careful time to tuck her in. When she was in place and appeared to remain peacefully asleep, Harry carefully reached around to take the locket from her and put it on himself. Harry didn't even want to know what kind of dreams he would have if he was wearing the Horcrux.

There wasn't much to do. Kreacher took care of all of the cooking and cleaning and while he was nice enough nowadays, he didn't make for ideal company. Harry knew better than to think he would find anything new in all of the books. He had read them more than he had read any other book and if Hermione had found nothing yet, Harry didn't know how he might. Going over their notes also seemed useless. He knew what they all said and while _not_ doing anything made him feel bad, Harry also knew there was nothing he _could_ do right now. The only thing that held any interest at the moment was hopes of being able to talk to Severus through the mirror later, and since they hadn't spoken since before he left to Godric's Hollow the first time, Harry was hopeful they would be able to talk soon. Other than that, there was nothing, really, for him to do.

He went to his own room and placed the mirror by his knee and pulled out the Marauder's Map to see what he could of the people at school, check where Severus was and where his friends were and who all was in the infirmary. There weren't many names gathered there today and Harry smiled. Only Susan Bones, Megan Jones, and Stavros Agnos and there was even (to Harry's delight) the name of Slytherin Gregory Goyle. That was promising, at least. It wasn't often the Death Eater children ended up there. A small victory worth celebrating. Harry grinned and spread out more of the Map. Neville Longbottom and Romilda Vane were sneaking down the corridor together towards where Harry knew must be the Room of Requirement. Harry had no clue what they'd be doing together or going there for and quickly checked for names of D.A. members in other areas of the castle. It could be a meeting.

Harry was so immersed in the Map, he almost didn't notice the arrival of something else in the room. Only the bright light of the doe Patronus was enough to make him squint and glance up in surprise. That was strange…Only Hermione and Kreacher were here and Hermione's Patronus was an otter. He had seen talking Patronuses and wondered if this was a message from an Order member. The doe didn't speak. She only looked at Harry and Harry looked back until all speculations faded away and he was left with the strangest feeling that he should know who this was. He slowly relaxed and watched the doe until she finally turned away and walked off.

"No! Come back!" Harry called out, shoving the Map aside and sliding out of bed, following the creature out into the hallway, downstairs, and out the front door. He didn't have time to put on a coat or shoes and didn't think it would be wise to waste the time to do so. He might lose her! There were thankfully no Death Eaters outside (that he could see) and he made sure he had his wand tucked away safely on him. It was hard to focus on anything else. He followed her down the pavement on the side of the street and down a smaller road on the side that led to a nearby park. There were warning signs everywhere warning people to stay away and that there were plans to construct the area into something better than a small, useless park. The doe kept going and Harry kept following, ignoring everything else. Somehow he knew he was safe with her.

Finally she came to a halt and turned her beautiful head towards him once again. She turned her head to the right and Harry rushed to catch up to her now that she had stopped. As he neared, though, opening his mouth to ask a question, she vanished. Harry stopped as her brilliant light disappeared, leaving him momentarily blinded in the sudden darkness. Harry fumbled for his wand and cast a quick lumos. Fear slowly crept over him. Her presence had meant safety, but now that she was gone…

Had it been a trap?

Harry shook his head and held his wand up high, looking all around him. No one immediately ran out and attacked him, no wild flashes of light coming at him, nothing. So why had she led him here? And why was she gone now?

Something gleamed in the light of the wand and Harry spun around, heart racing. Nothing out of place, just a small frozen pool. Harry moved forward cautiously and looked down into it, almost immediately looking back up and all around him. Nothing. He still had the eerie feeling of being watched. Making sure to stay alert, he looked down again and almost expected something to reach out and grab him. He held his breath and again nothing happened. He peered more closely into the pool and noticed something else glinting down below. Harry squinted and tried to get a better look at it, hoping the shape would make sense. It looked like a…His eyes widened. A great silver cross.

His heart skipped into his mouth and he dropped to his knees at the pool's edge and angled his wand so that the light would shine more upon the object below. A glint of deep red in the silver. A sword with glittering rubies in the hilt. The sword of Gryffindor was lying at the bottom of the pool!

He was barely breathing as he stared down at it, trying to make sense of it. How was this possible? How had it gotten here? Harry lifted his wand again and looked around for any sign of any creature nearby. Frowning, Harry turned back to the sword and aimed his wand down at it. "_Accio_ sword!"

It did not stir. He wasn't all that surprised. Nothing could be that easy. Not when it came to this. He let out a deep breath and stood up. He was going to have to go in after it, he guessed. There was no other way he could think to get it out. He took another moment walking around a few yards, checking the surrounding area before walking back to the pool and stripping off his clothes. Now that he wasn't focused on the doe or the sword he realized how freezing he was and taking off his clothes was only making it worse. He began to shiver and his teeth started to chatter and yet he kept going until he was standing there in nothing but his underwear in the snow. He placed his pouch on top of the pile of clothes before aiming his wand at the pool.

"_Diffindo_."

It cracked with the sound like a bullet in the silence. The surface broke off into chunks. As far as Harry could tell it wasn't that deep, but to get the sword he would have to go in completely. He placed the wand on the ground still lit and tried not to think about his task too much and instead focused on gathering enough courage to just do it. After a few seconds of wiggling about he finally took a deep breath and jumped.

It hurt. Every inch of his body felt as though it was being stabbed by hundreds of sharp, ice cold knives and his lungs seemed to freeze solid. Even his brain felt like a large block of ice. He pushed through the dark water to the bottom and reached out, groping for the sword. His fingers closed around the hilt and he pulled it upward.

Then something closed tight around his neck. He thought of water weeds, but he didn't think any had brushed against him when he dived. He raised his empty hand to free himself. It wasn't a weed but the chain of the Horcrux that had tightened and was slowly constricting around his throat. Immediately he kicked out wildly and tried to push himself back to the surface, but only managed to kick himself back a few feet into the rocky side of the pool. Thrashing and suffocating, he scrabbled at the strangling chain. His frozen fingers seemed unable to pull it away. He could barely feel or move them at all. Little lights were starting to pop inside his head and he knew he was going to drown. His chest was tight and pained. He could barely feel anything at all anymore. He could feel himself starting to black out a bit, losing consciousness.

All of a sudden the chain's grip on his neck was gone and he breathed in sharply and immediately began to choke and retch. He was soaked and colder than he had ever been in his life, everything feeling so numb, but not numb enough to drive away the horrible feeling that burned into his flesh. Somewhere close by, another person was panting and coughing and staggering around. Hermione, he thought…but after a moment he thought better. Not with those deep coughs and not judging by the weight of the footsteps. He didn't have the energy or strength to lift his head or open his eyes to see his savior.

"You would think…I've had en…ough of…saving your _pathetic_…hide, P-Potter."

Only the shock of hearing that familiar voice was enough for Harry to get up. Shivering violently, he staggered to his feet and almost fell down instantly. Strong arms reached out to grab him and pull him against a firm chest. Harry immediately wrapped his arms around Severus and buried his face in that familiar neck. Severus held him back tightly and Harry could feel something heavy against his back, but thought nothing of it just yet. "Y-y-you-you're h-h-here," Harry gasped.

"Brilliant observation," Severus said breathlessly. "Get your clothes on."

Harry pulled away with some reluctance and went to his pile of clothes still by the pool. He eyed the water warily as he pulled on his sweater and his pants. Severus raised an eyebrow at him. "That is hardly proper attire for this weather," he said, voice coated in disapproval.

"Yeah, well," Harry said, ducking his head in shame for a second before looking back up. Severus was holding the broken chain of the Horcrux in one hand and the sword of Gryffindor in the other. "You. You cast the doe?"

Severus froze for a moment, something strange crossing his black eyes before nodding slowly.

"H…How did you know where the sword was?" he asked.

"Let's get you back to that house," Severus said instead. Harry glared at him, but figured he could further interrogate Severus from Grimmauld Place. He walked over to Severus and let the man pull him into his arms before Apparating to the front door and they walked inside. Harry closed the door and turned expectantly to Severus who scoffed. "Let's get you warm. I'll explain everything shortly."

Sighing but not protesting, Harry followed Severus upstairs and let himself be pulled into his bedroom and followed Severus to his bed, being pulled beneath the covers. Severus placed the sword and the Horcrux on the foot of the bed and pulled Harry close to him. It was hard to be too irritated by the lack of answers with Severus holding him this way, arms rubbing up and down his arms and back, trying to warm him up. They said nothing for a few minutes as Harry trembled violently as his body got used to the warmth and only when Harry seemed to relax fully did Severus kiss the top of his still wet hair.

"I put the sword there," Severus explained quietly.

"_What_?" Harry demanded, trying to sit up, but Severus tightened his grip and kept him there.

"The real sword of Gryffindor was hidden behind Albus's portrait in the headmaster's office. He refused to let me give it to you until he said. I partially think he did not want me to leave the castle until the Carrows were away, for the safety of the students, but I feel it must have been more than that. I can't know why he chose to wait," Severus said, obviously agitated with the old man. Harry agreed. Why would Dumbledore want to wait? Wasn't getting rid of these Horcruxes the most important thing? Harry snuggled closer to Severus and kissed the side of his neck. "The sword can only be taken under conditions of valor, or so he said. I couldn't think of anything more…creative…than that. I wasn't sure it would work…I didn't think you would actually be in any danger," he said darkly.

"Why did that happen?" Harry asked.

"I'm not certain, but I believe the Horcrux might have known its demise was near and doing all in its power to avoid it," Severus explained, glaring down the bed at the locket.

"They can do that?" Harry asked, staring down at it, as well. That was a scary thought. How did you even go about destroying those things if they tried to get away?

"I don't know much about Horcruxes, Potter," Severus grumbled.

"I thought you knew everything," Harry mumbled and sighed heavily, trying to pull away. Severus looked at him sharply and Harry laughed. "S'alright. I'm fine. We just…We should get rid of it, y'know?"

"Of course," Severus said and pushed himself up. Harry sat up with him and looked down the bed at the Horcrux and the sword. This was it. They finally had a way of destroying the Horcrux. Hermione had found out that the sword could get rid of them, since it was imbedded with basilisk venom. At least, that was the theory. They could finally get rid of it…finally _do_ something. It almost didn't seem real.

"What are you waiting for?" Severus said after a few minutes.

"Maybe it should be you," Harry said.

Severus scoffed. "Don't tell me you're worried."

"No," Harry said, rolling his eyes. "Only you're the one who got the sword."

Silence fell over them as Severus turned his attention back to the sword and the locket. "A Slytherin using the sword of Gryffindor," Severus sighed, tossing back the sheets and sliding out of bed. Harry stood up, too, not pleased about abandoning the warmth and comfort of the bed and Severus, but this was far more important.

"I'll open it and you stab it straightaway," Harry said. "Whatever's in there will probably put up a fight. The bit of Riddle in the diary tried to kill me."

Severus nodded and grabbed the sword and Harry looked around the room for a good place to do this. He wasn't sure the bed was a good place, but he figured there were other beds in the house. Harry kneeled beside the bed while Severus seemed to weigh the sword in his hand, eying it warily. Harry braced himself and glanced up at his lover. "On three," Harry said and Severus looked up and nodded again, getting himself into place. "One…two…three…_open_."

At the sound of Parseltongue, the golden doors of the locket swung open with a little click. Behind both of the glass windows within blinked a living eye, dark and handsome as Tom Riddle's eyes had been in his youth before he turned them scarlet and snakelike.

"Stab!" Harry said holding the locket steady on the mattress.

Severus raised the sword and dangled the point over the swiveling eyes, eyes narrowed in concentration. Harry gripped the locket tightly, bracing himself, already imaginging the blood pouring from the empty windows.

Then a voice hissed out of the Horcrux.

"_I have seen your heart, and it is mine_."

"Don't listen to it!" Harry said harshly. "Stab it!"

Severus glared at the Horcrux and tightened his grip on the sword, looking ready to slam it down until the locket spoke again. "_I have seen your dreams, Severus Snape, and I have seen your fears. All you desire is possible, but all that you dread is also possible_."

"St—!" Harry began, but Severus slammed the sword…and missed. His eyes had a wild look to them and he looked a bit frustrated. Harry had to fight not to jerk away as the blade narrowly avoided hitting him.

"_Hated by your father…Resented by your mother…Taunted by the world…Unloved and rejected by your first love…Never seen as anything but your potential use, a potential to be manipulated. Even now…Do you think he truly loves you? Do you think he will remain by your side? No one has ever stayed._"

Out of the locket's windows bloomed a grotesque bubble, a weirdly distorted figure taking shape…Taking on Harry's form. Severus gasped in shock, pulling the sword back up, staring wide-eyed at the creation. He seemed to be fighting with himself, struggling to pull himself back into focus, but his attention was stolen by the Horcrux. The metal was burning now, white hot, and Harry hissed and snatched his fingers away. Severus tore his eyes away, watching Harry in concern as the Riddle-Harry opened his mouth to speak.

"Severus!" Harry shouted, motioning wildly to the locket. Severus nodded and quickly raised the sword and swung it down. There was a clang of metal and a drawn-out scream and then it was done. The only sounds Harry could hear were the ringing in his ears and the heavy breathing of his lover. Harry gulped and took a deep breath of his own, finally feeling relieved.

Seconds later the door burst open. "Harry, are you alright?" Hermione asked breathlessly, stopping, her eyes wide when she saw Severus. "Professor!"

Severus dropped the sword and sat down slowly on the foot of the bed.

"We…We're fine now," Harry said, staring at the remains of the locket beside Severus. "We…We destroyed the Horcrux."

Hermione's eyes grew wider and she gaped as she stared from Severus to the sword to the locket, the finally moving to Harry. "_What_?" she finally shrieked. "How long was I asleep? What happened?"

Harry chuckled quietly and pulled himself up onto the bed, shoving the locket to the floor and curling up beside Severus, resting his head on his shoulder and wrapping his arms comfortingly around Severus's middle. He seemed a bit shaken by what all he had seen and heard, though he was doing his best to cover it up, especially with Hermione in the room.

"It's a long story…" Harry tried explaining. Maybe it wasn't really, but he was tired and just wanted to spend what time he could with Severus. Having him here at all was an unexpected blessing and he wanted to make the most of it. Besides, there was nothing to worry about. The Horcrux was destroyed and that was all that mattered.

"Harry James Potter," Hermione said sharply, placing her hands on her hips and reminding him too much of Mrs. Weasley for his liking.

Harry sighed heavily. "Alright, alright, sit down."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**Author's Note:** So I _finally_ got another chapter up! Not sure how it turned out, since I haven't done much with the story in over a month, but I do hope it's still good and everyone's still interested.

For anyone who checked my author's page, you'll know how stressful things have been since December for me. Maybe not in detail because I'm not looking for pity or anything lol. I just wanted to explain that things have been rough and it's been hard to get back into writing, especially since all of my story outlines save the one I made for Resistance were destroyed. Not on purpose, mind you, but there you have it. It made things especially hard for Lost and Damned, since not only have I worked so hard on writing the story, put the outline and putting everything together so aside from having to construct a new outline for the last bit of the story, it kind of killed my muse a bit.

But I wrote this up today for you! And I'll tell you why xD I was looking on yahoo answers yesterday because I was writing a question looking for a snarry story and out of curiosity looked up other questions involving snarry and found one where someone recommended this story to someone else, saying it was the best they had ever read and recommended they read my other stories and it totally and completely made my day! Lol. Then the same person answered my question on there recommending me to my own story today, which was sort of funny lol. Anyway, whoever you are, thank you so much! Seeing that definitely gave me the boost I needed to get on with the show! You definitely helped rescue my poor lost/dead muse! Also if the asker actually read the story, they should also let me know! I'm kind of curious now if they actually read it or not.

Also a big huge thanks to all of my supportive readers and reviewers! I love you guys so much! You definitely make this story worth writing and I SWEAR I will finish this story! I do have other stories to work on, but I should hopefully be on better track keeping Lost and Damned up to date!

To The Cannibal God, Winter Cicada, Kaiya Sumeragi, DawnCloud221, Monkeygirl66, Anniriel, da-blk-saiyangirl, Serpent91, lalaland, SexciiLexi, outofcharacter, Scioneeris, Lady DestinyHope, AstrophobicChick, Insanely-Yours96, CrazyAuntBellatrix, monkeygirl66, LeviosaHex, Kashel, and Santiago: you guys are amazing thanks so much for reviewing!

Please review!

And on a side note, I ordered the Harry Potter Horcrux locket from amazon for like $50. I'm in love with it. I wear it all the time! If I was rich I would probably own everything snarry ever made. Just saying. Lol!

Anywho, chapter title from "Stratovolcano Mouth" by Chiodos.


	78. Understand That I Am a Monster

**WARNING:** If you want to be surprised and don't want to be warned, stop reading my warning and go read the chapter, damn it! If you actually worry about stuff and need said warning, then here you have it so keep reading the stupid warning until you get there, mkay? Well, here it goes: Mentions of violent rape of a child will be made in this chapter. You have been warned. Enjoy the chapter, peoples! And leave plenty of reviews, cause you know I loves them! Yes, yes, I'm hiding the stupid warning the best I can for the people who want to be surprised…If there are any of you…Which I doubt…But I still felt the need to do so anyways!

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Understand That I Am a Monster_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"You know I cannot stay for long," Severus said quietly once Hermione returned to her bedroom.

"You know you don't have to remind me of that," Harry said, gently pushing Severus's chest so that he laid back onto the bed and Harry waited for him to glare and scoot his body up some more so that his legs weren't awkwardly dangling over the edge before crawling over his older lover and leaning down to kiss him deeply. Harry wanted nothing more than to make use of what time they _did_ have together. It had been far too long since he had been with Severus and he was not going to waste what precious time they had discussing war-related events (something they did often enough through the magical mirror) or arguing or reminding each other of things they already knew. He made his intentions known by pressing his growing erection down into Severus, moaning quietly at the contact.

"I'm not sure we can do _that_ fast enough, Potter," Severus teased quietly against his mouth.

"Well, you're just going to have to find a way to make it work," Harry argued, moving his mouth down to suck on his lover's neck while his hands moved up to impatiently work on undoing the many buttons on the front of Severus's robes and shoving the material away eagerly once he was done. Severus moved beneath him to shrug out of the garment and Harry moved enough to let him finish that task, pulling his sweater over his head and tossing it aside and eagerly pulling down his jeans as Severus's nimble fingers worked easily and swiftly to remove the rest of his own clothing. Harry watched the man in fascination as he finished and settled back onto the bed, reaching out to help Severus with the last bit of his work.

For a long moment they sat there, breathing heavily as they lustfully stared at each other, appreciating the sight of naked skin and hot arousal. Harry sat tall on his knees and finally fell forward onto his hands and crawled closer, placing his legs on either side of Severus's as he leaned in to kiss the man deeply. Long arms wrapped around him and skilled fingers wound into his hair, pulling him closer and holding him there. Harry ground his hips slowly but firmly into Severus's, enjoying the pleasant friction and the tingles that shot all through his body. He hadn't gone into this because he was already horny, more out of the need to make the most of his time with Severus, but it certainly wasn't taking long for his body to respond to everything nor did it take long for his mind to fall out of its focus, consumed entirely by the feelings coursing through him now.

Severus slid his hands from Harry's hair down his back and down to grasp his arse firmly. Harry gasped sharply into his lover's mouth and groaned as Severus used his grip to thrust his hips up against Harry's. The older wizard tore his mouth from his young lover's and trailed a hungry, wet path down his jaw and to his neck, sucking on a particularly sensitive area of flesh that left Harry clutching at him and moaning loudly against him. The softest of touches from Severus seemed to be slowly awakening every inch of his body, like little pricks of electricity rolling across his skin and digging deep into his very bones. Reality faded away and there was nothing but each other.

The slow building of sensation made for a grand opportunity to really take their time to enjoy each other instead of jumping in with needful urgency as they had a tendency to do. Unfortunately, they had little time for such leisurely exploration of the body. They would have time after the war, they both told themselves, though neither entirely believed it. Neither paused. Severus moved one hand up Harry's back to hold him steady as Severus rolled them over so that he was now on top of the other wizard. Harry reached up to yank off his glasses and tossed them carelessly aside.

"Lube?" Severus asked breathlessly.

Harry couldn't help but laugh shakily. "Haven't really had the time to find some since the last time."

Severus nodded and leaned down to kiss him deeply, breaking away slightly after a long moment to mutter something against his lips, which Harry knew to be the spell that would make this easier. He shivered at the feel of Severus's wand tip pressing between his cheeks and the sharp feeling that accompanied the spell, and he relaxed as it faded into a gentle tingle. Severus tossed his wand aside and easily slid a finger into Harry who kissed Severus deeply and pressed back against the invading digit. It had been a while and the spell wasn't as good as using actual lubricant, so it burned slightly, but Harry had felt that same stretch before and didn't mind. He was only eager to have Severus inside of him again, wanting both for him to get on with it and for him to take his time and make this last forever. Harry missed being with him this way, but he knew the moment this was over Severus would have to leave him and Harry would have gladly given anything to have Severus stay with him.

It didn't take long for Severus to loosen Harry up enough to take him. Harry raised his legs, pulling his knees up to his chest and staring up at Severus as his lover moved into position. Severus sat up and reached down to pry Harry's cheeks apart with his thumbs, pressing the head of his cock against his entrance. Before Severus could move much more than that, Harry enthusiastically pressed back against him. Severus chuckled at his impatience and slid his hands up to Harry's thighs while sliding deeply inside of him. Harry hissed in slight discomfort but thrust against Severus when he paused in concern. The discomfort was easy to deal with, because despite the slight pain, there was nothing in the world that felt better than being this connected to Severus, feeling his thick heat filling him up completely.

"Mmm…Missed this," Harry moaned as Severus held his legs down and slowly began moving inside of him.

"Should have known…you only wanted…me for my…cock," Severus grunted as he steadily picked up the pace of his thrusts.

Hearing the word come from his lover's mouth made his cock twitch. _God_ he loved the sound of Severus's voice. It tasted like the finest wine and felt like the softest of silks. The man could speak but one word and awaken all of Harry's senses with it. It was the voice of a _god_, he was certain. He wasn't sure Severus believed him the few times Harry brought up the power his voice had, and sometimes he felt silly for thinking so highly of such a thing, but laying beneath the man he loved and listening to that voice roll across his skin, he couldn't care less about anything else.

"Keep talking," Harry gasped, hands turning into fists as they grasped the sheets on either side of his head.

Severus chuckled and slowed the movement of his hips. He slid his hands up Harry's chest and up his arms until he was able to grasp his hands, prying his fingers loose from the sheets and intertwining them with his own and holding their hands firmly on the mattress on either side of Harry. With that he leaned down and Harry spread his legs apart to welcome Severus closer. The man's face was so close their noses brushed and their lips were so close Harry could almost taste him. He spoke quietly, thrusting slowly but deeply inside of him. "What do you want to hear, my Harry? Do you want a lesson on the many uses of boomslang skin? Or should I inform you of how utterly _delectable_ you look right now? Should I paint you a picture of how desperately I desire to worship every last inch of your body, to reacquaint myself with every freckle, every scar, and every curve?" The movement of Severus's hips at each of the _every_s spoken was enough to make Harry see stars, so deep inside of him that the pleasure bordered on painful. Harry gasped and groaned as Severus moved within him, his grip on his lover's hands tight. "Would you like to know about what pleasure you bring me, my Harry? How warm and welcoming your body is? How tight you are around my _cock_?" Harry shivered here. "How _perfect_ being inside of you feels? As if you were made just for me? As though you were born for this? As though you were _created_ for the sole purpose of my _pleasure_? Is that what you want to hear?"

"Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, __!" Harry whimpered and cried out. His hips bucked up against Severus, urging him in deeper. His mind was completely blown. He was drowning in a sea of wine and chocolate and silk and all of the finery and pleasure in the entire world. He was used to the effect of Severus's voice, but never had he gone through such lengths to use that voice against him before nor had Harry ever experienced anything so wild because of it. He didn't think he would last much longer now, especially as Severus shifted on his knees slightly and picked up the pace, the obscene sound of slick skin slapping against each other loud in the room. They were panting heavily into each other's mouths, always so close, and every time he moaned and moved he half expected their mouths to collide in the process. Severus growled in a very animalistic manner that went straight to Harry's cock and his hips jerked, cock threatening to unload any moment now.

All of his moaning and whimpering became muffled as Severus closed that short distance between their lips, mouth touching his so tenderly it contradicted the wildness that inspired his hips. Harry kissed him back desperately; mouth latching onto his lover's as if clinging on for dear life. The kiss was so warm and loving that when Harry's orgasm hit, it caught him completely off guard. He gasped in surprise at the sudden intense feeling before crying out loudly, body convulsing as he came all over his and Severus's stomachs and chests.

His whole body felt like jelly as he calmed down and Severus had to sit up again and hold his legs in place as he continued to rock into him. Feeling Severus's cock sliding in and out of him after he had come was pleasant and now and then sent little aftershocks of pleasure through him. He looked lazily up at his lover, his eyebrows scrunched together in a look of such concentration it seemed as though fucking Harry was the most important task he had ever taken. It was the fire still burning in those black eyes that assured Harry that this was more than just some duty to finish and he let himself relax, admiring Severus as he continued. His legs felt a bit sore from being held in place for so long, but Harry didn't mind and he especially didn't mind as sweat dripped from his lover and onto his face or his chest.

To his surprise, there was a loud, panicked pounding on the door in the middle of this. Harry sighed heavily and frowned, but Severus didn't stop. Instead he picked up pace as the frantic knocking continued. Harry thought he heard Hermione's quiet voice whispering beyond Severus's loud panting, but he couldn't be sure. Finally, Severus shuddered and groaned loudly as he came deep within Harry. To Harry's disappointment, Severus almost immediately pulled out of him and rolled over. He took only a moment to catch his breath before standing up and quickly pulling on his robes.

Harry reluctantly followed suit and was glad he at least managed to get his boxers on before Severus yanked open the door.

"Quick!" Hermione whispered. "Sirius and Remus are here."

"Oh bugger," Harry groaned.

"Where are they?" Severus demanded.

"Downstairs. I sent Kreacher to keep them occupied while I got Harry," Hermione explained quickly. "They're kind of annoyed, though. They might come looking for us soon. Professor, there's a hidden staircase in the closet down the hall. It'll lead you to the closet near the backdoor."

"Thank you, Miss Granger," Severus said, quickly slipping out of the room and silently disappearing down the hall.

"Wait!" Harry hissed after him as he yanked on his jeans. He didn't even get to say goodbye?

"There's no time, Harry!" Hermione whispered. "We don't want anyone questioning anything, do we?"

"I…But…Oh fine, damn it," Harry muttered, grabbing his jumper and pulling it over his head. A heavy weight settled in his heart. He didn't imagine he would have to deal with Severus leaving so abruptly. Harry sighed when he realized he hadn't exactly cleaned himself off, leaving a very uncomfortable feeling under his jumper. He quickly wiped the mess with it and pulled it off and grabbed a new jumper while Hermione huffed impatiently and left the room.

He could always talk to Severus later. Right now, he supposed Sirius and Remus must be here for a reason. Once he was presentable he ran out of his room and downstairs to the living room where Hermione was now greeting both men with hugs. It was good to see the two of them here. Some part of him might have been happy, though it was hard to _really_ be happy after Severus had run off like that.

"Harry!" his godfather called out enthusiastically. Sirius stepped away as Remus hugged Hermione and walked over to embrace Harry. "How are you?"

Sore. Depressed. "I'm fine," he lied. Upon realizing he didn't sound completely fine, he hastily added, "Just tired."

"Ah. Understandable," Sirius replied, stepping back.

Harry glanced at Remus uncertainly. The last time they had spoken they hadn't parted on the best of terms. The other wizard seemed to have the same thing in mind and smiled uncertainly at him. "Harry."

"Remus," he said with a smile and went to hug the werewolf. "What are you two doing here?"

"We thought we'd pay a visit," Sirius replied as he sat down. Remus sat with him, so Harry and Hermione took the nearby sofa. "We thought of sending a Patronus to see how you were, but we weren't sure you learned how to send messages with them yet. Besides, we were nearby and figured an actual visit was much better than anything else."

"You're right. It's great to see you," Hermione said joyously. "H— " she began, but Remus started speaking at the same time, so she trailed off to let him finish.

"How are things coming along?" he asked.

"Great, actually," Hermione replied before Harry could. "We fina—Oh, um, we have had some success with our…mission." She blushed, nearly having forgotten that no one else was supposed to know about the Horcruxes.

"That's very good," Sirius said with a grin. "You're not done yet?"

"Not yet," Harry said. "We still have…a few more things to do." A few more objects to find and destroy. But at least we have the sword now.

"Very good," Remus said.

"What have you two been doing?" Harry asked. He had to be honest, he was a bit curious to know whether or not Remus had gone back to Tonks after being rejected from their journey. Had Sirius and Remus been travelling together and avoiding responsibility?

Sirius and Remus shared a guilty look before Sirius spoke. "Er…We've been moving around a lot, actually."

"But…What about…?" Hermione asked hesitantly.

"Dora?" Remus asked with a frown. "Yes, well I did go see her and set things right. I visit her as often as I can, but it's not very safe at the moment. Ted's been on the run for a while now with the Muggle-born Registration Commission in control. They're no happier with part-humans, either, I must say."

"And Tonks is too preggo to keep him company," Sirius said, clapping Remus on the back. "Besides they've got a close eye on all 'blood traitors' and I don't much like being watched. We're doing a decent work of recruiting new people for the Order."

"Have you really?" Hermione asked excitedly. "That's great!"

"Yeah, it is," Sirius said with a grin. He was obviously pleased by the enthusiasm. "We've even got this really great bloke to join in. His name's Orpheus Odell…Really brilliant wizard, from what I've heard. I wasn't so sure about him…he used to shag Snape, you know! At least that's what I've heard. But he seems pretty good and we've already got his nephew Orson vouching for him and Kingsley is pretty good friends with him. He's got some secret mission going on now."

Harry had a hard time keeping focused on what Sirius was saying, as his ears started ringing and his head started spinning at the mention of the name. Orpheus Odell…The amazing wizarding genius who used to be Severus's lover. Hermione cast him a worried look, but he ignored it. He was fine. There was nothing wrong…in fact, it was great someone of Orpheus's talent and knowledge had joined forces with the Order. It was hard to feel the proper level of excitement, but he knew on some level that this was a good thing.

"That's amazing, Sirius," Hermione forced herself to say with a smile. "An-"

"What's he like?" Harry asked.

Hermione sighed and shook her head. Remus and Sirius blinked in surprise. It was the latter who answered. "Umm…He's alright. Friendly, I guess you could say. Very dedicated and passionate about his beliefs. He was very intense when we were talking about the war and such. Not got the best sense of humor, but not a lot of those _intellectual_ types do." He grinned.

Harry nodded dully. He was the buzzing in his head was nothing but all of the questions he wanted answered. He doubted Sirius and Remus knew that much about Orpheus and honestly they were all questions better directed to Severus, who he would never ask. Orpheus was his past and Harry just needed to accept that.

"Ahem. So…What's he look like?" Hermione asked, blushing. She avoided looking directly at anyone, though she held her head up high.

Harry wasn't sure why Hermione wanted to know that, but a few seconds looking at her, he smiled softly to himself. She was asking for him.

"Uhh…" said Remus, glancing between the two. He then cleared his throat. "He's not bad looking. Not…the most attractive man in the world, but definitely not bad. Older than you."

"Ugly. Completely hideous," Sirius said firmly, also giving them odd looks.

"Come off it, Sirius. There's nothing with Hermione and me," Harry laughed shakily. He was a bit comforted by the fact that Orpheus wasn't drop dead gorgeous or anything.

"Why…?" Remus began, but trailed off as though not sure if he wanted to ask the question.

"Well, he's a very brilliant and gifted wizard who has made a great contribution to the world of magic," Hermione said heatedly. "Yet he doesn't get near the recognition someone as good looking as Gilderoy Lockhart received when he was sane! I was wondering if there was…reason or not."

"Mione has a crush on him," Harry coughed.

Hermione glared at him. "Hmph. Well, did you get anyone besides Orpheus Odell?"

"A few others…Mostly young people. Probably people you went to Hogwarts with," Sirius said. "Sad that so much of our youth is willing to go out there and fight while all of the so-called 'adults' hide behind their curtains."

"Now, now, Sirius…It's hard for people," Remus said, though he didn't sound very convinced.

"Hard. Pfft," Sirius scoffed. "Nothing in life is easy! And they think fighting back is _hard_? They think a life under You-Know-Who's rule is going to be _easy_?"

"If they lie down and take it it _might_ be," Harry said dryly.

"Right," Sirius snorted.

Remus cleared his throat. "So, no chance you've changed your mind about letting us tag along?"

Harry and Hermione glanced at each other. Hermione looked as unsure as Harry felt and offered a small shrug that gave her support in whatever Harry decided. He sighed and glanced at the two men. Help _would_ be beneficial right about now, with how hard this whole thing was becoming. But what aid could Sirius and Remus _really_ be? And wasn't it bad enough he was letting Hermione risk her life to come on this trip with him without adding more people to the mix? Maybe he had already confided in Severus and Draco about the Horcruxes, but at least they could possibly offer help in that area, since they were both relatively close to the man they were trying to defeat. The man whose Horcruxes they _were_.

"No…Sorry, I don't think so," Harry said. "But…Well, since we did get the locket today, we could always celebrate. You could stay over for the night, keep us company for a little bit, at least."

Remus nodded his understanding and Sirius just smiled sadly. "We'd be happy to."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Severus was not happy in the slightest with how things had been left with Harry. They barely got to be with one another at all. True, he knew he wouldn't be able to stay much longer, but he hadn't even gotten a chance to say goodbye or do much else. And to jump right out of sex and right out of the door seemed harsh, despite its necessity. He would, of course, speak with Harry about it when they next spoke and he doubted Harry would really hold it against him. He also knew, though, that Harry couldn't be much happier about what had happened, either. Damn it, Black and Lupin! They ruined a great deal in his life and while he knew they were important to Harry, that didn't mean Severus had to care for them at all.

He was in a bad enough mood as he marched up to the castle that he hoped to Merlin he wouldn't have to deal with the Carrows. He walked briskly towards the Headmaster's Tower, hoping to avoid any run-ins. He did notice a couple of groups hiding among the shadows, breathing too heavily and trembling too much to be noticed, though Severus pretended to look right through them. With no one else around to question this or to bring his attention towards them, he was able to do just that and spare their recklessly stupid hides for one night.

Severus was halfway to his office when he heard the loud sound of feet pounding the floor behind him. The sound echoed off of the walls. Sighing heavily, Severus took a deep breath and turned around to face the culprit. Whoever it was was far too stupid to get away with anything. He was somewhat surprised to see that it was Daphne Greengrass running towards him, a look of terror in her bright blue-green eyes. Her caramel colored curls whipped all around her and when she stopped in front of him, panting heavily, some of them even caught in her open mouth. She doubled over and grasped her knees as she sucked in deep breaths, a whimpering sound escaping her throat as she struggled to calm down enough to speak. Severus's pulse raced and he glanced up, half expecting to see her followed by the more violent bunch in the D.A. or even some other member of the Slytherin house. Though why either of them would go after quite, neutral Daphne was beyond him.

"S-s-sir," she gasped, voice cracking horribly in the strain. "Dung—dungeon."

"What's in the dungeon, Miss Greengrass?" Severus asked impatiently.

"Pl-please…Dungeon…Help…Please," Daphne managed. Her face broke and to his horror tears began rolling down her cheeks. "Horrible…screaming…go…please!"

Nodding, Severus took off without another word, leaving Daphne to either catch her breath or hyperventilate in the corridor. There was no time to get more details out of Daphne. Something bad was happening in the dungeons and whatever it was, Severus had to figure it out and stop it before it was too late. If it wasn't too late already.

"Daffy! Oh Daffy!" he heard a voice call. He saw Astoria Greengrass jogging in the direction he had just come from. "Oh, headmaster, have you seen Daphne?"

Severus didn't bother to answer her and instead continued his march down to the dungeons. He didn't even know where to begin down here and he mentally cursed the stupid girl for not being able to be more specific and himself for not finding a way to get more information out of her before coming all this way. He didn't stop or slow down, though. If it was badly enough, he was sure there would be some trail to lead him there.

Halfway through the dungeons he saw a fourth year Slytherin named Ruth Lesley pressed back against the wall. Her eyes were wide and she had both hands pressed hard over her mouth while the rest of her trembled. Sensing she could be of some aid, or at least a clue, Severus slowed down. "Miss Lesley?"

"P-p-potions cl-classroom, s-s-sir," Ruth Lesley sputtered.

Severus raised an eyebrow, but walked towards the Potions classroom. A strong sense of dread settled upon him and his stomach felt as though it would twist itself into so many knots it simply fell apart. He let none of his anxiety show as he grasped the door handle and pushed it open. He was aware of the noise before anything else. The manic laughter of Alecto Carrow and the muffled sobbing of a young girl made sense. The scene before him took several long moments to get a hold of.

Daria Spelling was a second year Ravenclaw student. He had heard her name only a few times. Filius praised her a great deal as a talented witch with a bright future. Minerva said she had adapted better to Transfiguration than most students. He also heard a lot of Slytherins making fun of her over a huge crush she had on fourth year Slytherin, Thantos Zucarro, and Harry Potter himself. She had run into Severus far too many times for him to enjoy or count. She never looked where she was going in the halls, because she ended up tripping, running into walls, and bumping into people a great deal.

Right now, she was bent over the desk that in five hours time, Horace Slughorn would be burning outside. Her face was bright red and wet with tears, snot, and bodily fluids Severus didn't care to think of. She alternated between sobbing and gagging, as her tormentors had found it amusing to shove a handful of dragon liver into her mouth to shut her up. She was completely naked. Amycus Carrow stood behind her, pants pooled around his ankles and he grunted and smirked as he moved behind her. Severus could see the blood sliding down their legs and felt the bile rise in his throat.

Alecto stood on the other side of the desk, ripping apart Spelling's clothes.

"You can walk back to Ravenclaw Tower just like you are now, sweetie," Alecto purred. "Naked. And covered in whatever we decide to decorate your pretty little body with. Hehehehe…Oooh look at you cry, my pretty little slut!"

Severus was going to be sick. No amount of self control was going to keep the entire contents of his _body_ from pouring out of his mouth. A dizzy spell hit him and he struggled to stay steady on his feet. He forced himself not to look at Spelling and did his very best not to listen to her, as well. How the hell was he supposed to do this? Could he just turn a blind eye and let these monsters get away with violating a small child? The girl was twelve years old! They deserved the worst tortures a man could imagine! Or better yet, the cruelest hell Severus could dream up for them.

Everything within him screamed for their blood. Only the most rational part of his brain reminded him that this was war and he had his role to play, that the fate of this war could well depend on him keeping his position and that some things were even more important than this, as much as he hated himself for even entertaining the thought.

"Ahem," he said, getting the attention of the Carrows. "I assume the Dark Lord asked you to relay messages?"

"Sure thing," Amycus said, barely slowing down. He opened his mouth to continue, but Severus held up his hand.

"My office," he said, voice remarkably calm.

And he hated himself.

"But— " Amycus argued.

"I could care less about your fun. I need to be informed of tonight's meeting _in my office_ and _away from prying ears_. Or does our lord and his cause mean so little to you?"

"Oh. Hadn't thought of that," Amycus said, reluctantly moving away and pulling up his trousers.

Severus looked pointedly at the door, assuring them both that he wanted them up front. Severus hated himself as he followed them out of the room, ignoring the cries of the young girl he left behind. He wished he could dare give Ruth Lesley any sign to go help the girl, though he felt there was some mercy in this world as he heard her footsteps headed towards the classroom as he passed her.

They hadn't killed or harmed her beyond repair. They had done nothing the Dark Lord couldn't forgive. And so Severus could do nothing but sit through their explanations of the night's Death Eater meeting and recount the entertainment of a day spent torturing innocent children. He was going to need a strong drink after this.

Some days it just didn't feel worth it.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**Author's Note:** Finally got another chapter up! Woot woot! Hope that last bit was okay…Had to rein myself in a bit…I get a little too happy with torturing poor characters sometimes. Especially when I don't care about them one way or another lol! Anywho, there you are and I hope it was alright! I'll try to get better about keeping this updated!

Also, I created a FB page for my stories, which you can find under my penname, Danniperson. It's super useful if you want to see what I'm working on, where I am with certain things, and even help me figure things out…Like how I ask for opinions in author notes about soul mates and in the future when I'm looking for baby names or anything, really, you can help me out there when I desperately need opinions lol. It's also a great way for me to interact with you guys, which I would love, so if you want you can go on FB and find it under Danniperson or you can check out my profile for the link (hopefully it works lol).

Big thanks to my reviewers: Lady DestinyHope, xXxElectraxXx, Anniriel, monkeygirl66, LeviosaHex, AstrophobicChick, the Cannibal God, Sydney-Jo, x-lucii-x, Sora Kohaku, da-blk-saiyangirl, SexciiLexi, Serpent91, Draechaeli, anonymous, DarkGothicAngel200, Sirius-dorkis010, and Kashel! I hope everyone reviews some more because I love knowing what you guys think!

Chapter title lyrics from "Hey Zeus, the Dungeon" by Chiodos! Great song, you should listen to it!


	79. Time to Escape the Clutches of a Name

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Time to Escape the Clutches of a Name_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"I want to go and see Xenophilius Lovegood."

Harry looked up in surprise at Hermione who stood in the entrance of the dining room. Kreacher had just served dinner and Harry was busily shoving away food into his mouth. He hadn't concerned himself much with Hermione's whereabouts. Her nose was always buried in a book these days, rereading the same tomes for the fourth of fifth time, as though she had missed something the first few read-throughs. She was clutching a book in her arms, unsurprisingly. Harry raised his eyebrows and eyed the book, wishing he could see the title through her arms to figure out why in the world she thought visiting Xenophilius Lovegood was a good idea.

"Sorry?"

"Xenophilius Lovegood. Luna's father. We should go talk to him."

"Er—Why?"

Hermione took a deep breath, as though bracing herself, and said, "It's the mark, the mark in _Beedle the Bard_. Look at this!"

The book was, apparently, _The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore_. Harry glared at the book as she placed it next to his plate on the table. She began flipping through it while Harry glared away in agitation. He wanted nothing more to do with that book! On their third trip to Godric's Hollow they had stumbled upon the book laying in the street. The pages were wet, stained, and sticking together while the cover looked scratched and burned, as did some of the corners of the pages. They figured whoever it belonged to had not been happy with what was written, as proved by angry notes scribbled in the margins. Most of the material was still readable, though, and Harry wished they hadn't been. That book had only proved that the man he had looked up to and respected wasn't quite the man Harry thought he was.

"Look. Look at the signature," Hermione said, jabbing her finger at a letter Dumbledore had written Grindelwald.

Harry obeyed. For a moment he had no idea what she wanted him to see, but looking more closely he saw that Dumbledore had signed the _A_ of Albus with a tiny version of the same triangular symbol that had been doodled on _The Tales of Beedle the Bard_. Harry's eyes grew wide and he gritted his teeth, recalling a mention of the symbol being Grindelwald's mark at the wedding. They had been stopped by Viktor for a little chit-chat before the ceremony had started, the Bulgarian pointing out the symbol being worn by Mr. Lovegood. This news only cemented further Harry's dark thoughts about the so-called great wizard.

"It keeps cropping up, doesn't it?" she said. "I know Viktor said it was Grindelwald's mark, but it was definitely on that old grave in Godric's Hollow, and the dates on the headstone were long before Grindelwald came along! And now this! Well, we can't ask Dumbledore or Grindelwald what it means—I don't even know whether Grindelwald is still alive—but we can ask Mr. Lovegood. He was wearing the symbol at the wedding. I'm sure this is important, Harry!"

Harry didn't answer immediately. He looked into her intense face and then down at his forgotten food. His hunger was gone now, though he took out some of his renewed irritation with Dumbledore out on the chicken Kreacher had worked so hard on. "Hermione, we don't need another Godric's Hollow. We talked ourselves into going there, and—"

"But it keeps appearing, Harry! Dumbledore left me _The Tales_, how do you know we're not supposed to find out about the sign?"

"Here we go again!" Harry snapped in exasperation. "We keep trying to convince ourselves that Dumbledore left us secret signs and clues, but it's done us nothing!"

"_Please_, Harry!" Hermione pleaded, closing the book and pulling it into her lap as she sat in the chair beside Harry. "We're getting nowhere! We haven't found anything else since the sword!"

She was right on that count. It had been at least a month since Severus had brought him the sword. A month since that little visit with Sirius and Remus. A month since they had gotten anything done. They were searching blindly now, having searched through almost every idea they had and then some. They read through the same books, half-heartedly walked around various wizarding villages under the guise of Polyjuice, glamours, and the Invisibility Cloak, kept slightly steady communication with Severus and Harry's godfather, and listened in on Potterwatch (which Sirius had introduced him to on their visit). They were keeping themselves busy, but they had gotten nothing from it in so long that that hopeless feeling was eating away at that success over having destroyed the locket.

"I don't want to go to Mr. Lovegood…Not until we try something else first," Harry said.

"What else is there?" Hermione asked impatiently.

"We can ask Severus if he knows what it is," Harry said.

"Well…I guess it wouldn't hurt to try asking him," Hermione said thoughtfully, pulling a plate of food towards herself.

Hours later Hermione and Harry lay curled up in the bed they normally shared (now and then only Harry stayed there when they were mad at each other or Hermione needed her own space) since they felt safer with someone else nearby. The magical two-way mirror was resting in the middle of the bed. Harry was playing with the Snitch Dumbledore had left him, now and then pressing his lips to the side to watch the words appear. _I open at the close_. He contemplated the words until he thought he would go crazy and tossed it up and down. Hermione had Rita Skeeter's book with her to show the symbol to Severus, the page bookmarked as she read the entire book a second time.

"Harry?"

Severus's voice was quiet, dull, and exhausted. That was about how he sounded every time Harry had talked to him since they had last seen each other. It didn't stop Harry from worrying. He sat up quickly and yanked the mirror into his lap, smiling sadly at the face of his lover. "Alright, Sev?"

Severus sighed heavily and rolled his eyes at the nickname, though he gave no other response to it. "Not particularly, no."

Hermione sat up with interest and began flipping pages back to the letter where she had marked the page. Harry shot her a look, warning her to be patient before looking back down into the mirror. "What happened?"

"Nothing new," Severus said. "I can't talk long."

He never could these days. There was a lot going on at Hogwarts, sometimes Harry had a feeling it was more than Severus was telling him. Severus made cryptic remarks about how awful the Carrows were, refusing to give out any details. The last time Harry had in a panic demanded more answers, Severus had snapped at him and refused to speak to him for days. Now Harry did his best to reel in his curiosity and fear, hoping that Severus would indeed tell him if something very bad had happened, particularly to someone he knew and cared about.

"That's fine. Hermione?" Harry said, motioning for her to come closer.

"Miss Granger?" Severus asked, confused. Hermione scooted closer as Harry held the mirror between them.

"Hello, Professor," Hermione said with a smile. "I came across something in a book earlier, and we were wondering if you might know anything about it."

"Well, what is it, then?" Severus asked impatiently.

"Here, it's this symbol," Hermione said, shifting the book and holding it up to the mirror, moving it around until she was confident the signature was clear to Severus and close enough for him to get a good sight of it. "It's his signature. The _A_. We've seen that symbol many times lately and we thought it might mean something."

"Do you know what it is? Cause if not she's going to try to drag me to Lovegood's house," Harry said blandly. Hermione shot him a glare as Severus's eyes flashed dangerously.

"I can understand unnecessarily risking your lives hunting these Horcruxes. But to risk your lives for silly curiosity?" Severus growled, glaring distastefully at the signature, since he couldn't see the faces of either Harry or Hermione.

"We're not risking our lives," Hermione said stiffly. "And it's not unnecessarily and not about my curiosity! I really think this could mean something."

"Do you know what it is?" Harry asked.

"It does look familiar," Severus muttered. He continued to mumble to himself for a few seconds and Harry and Hermione shot each other questioning looks. Unsure if she should lower the book or not, Hermione continued to hold the book where Severus could see it, though her arms had a difficult time staying still in that position and the book swayed a great deal. "Oh, yes," Severus finally said after a while, his tone displeased.

"Well?" Harry said.

Severus sighed heavily. "It's the blasted symbol of the Deathly Hallows. No _wonder_ you thought to seek out the _Lovegoods_."

Hermione lowered the book and glared down at Severus, clearly not liking his tone about the Lovegood family. Harry had to smirk. Hermione, while she respected Luna more these days, still thought her a bit barmy. From what little they had seen of her father at the wedding, they agreed that he wasn't all that normal, either.

"What are the Deathly Hallows?" Hermione asked.

"They are…objects…that are rumored to exist," he replied dryly. "A cloak, a stone, and a wand that would make one 'master of death.' There are a great number of Hallows enthusiasts in the world, such as Xenophilius Lovegood. People are obsessed and will spend their lives looking for these objects or studying their history."

"A cloak, a stone, and a wand?" Harry questioned.

"Yes," he said impatiently. "Haven't either of you heard of 'The Tale of the Three Brothers'?"

"Err, no?" Harry said in confusion.

"Hmm…Isn't that one of the stories in _The Tales of Beedle the Bard_?" Hermione asked.

"Yes, it would be there," Severus said, looking around him. "Listen, the triangle is the cloak, the line is the wand, the circle is the stone. I must be going now…"

"Wait!" Hermione exclaimed. "What about-?"

"If you have more questions, you will find the answers," Severus snapped. "Consult the portrait of Phineas Nigellus. I presume he still has a portrait in that bloody house. I must be going. Stay out of trouble and _do not_ go to Xenophilius Lovegood."

Harry opened his mouth, to make Severus stay or offer declarations of love or a farewell or something, but Severus disappeared. He sighed heavily and tossed the mirror aside.

"I suppose he must have a lot going on as headmaster," Hermione muttered. "But still…To leave us like that! There are so many questions! What would Phineas know about the Dea—Oh wait! We should read the story, shouldn't we, Harry? I'll go get the book, you wait here!"

Hermione ran out of the room and Harry just watched her go. The way Severus talked, there didn't seem to be much important about the Deathly Hallows, just some silly stories that _unique_ individuals like the Lovegoods believed in. With Hermione's thirst for knowledge, though, he figured they wouldn't be resting until they learned everything they could. Hermione did have a point, though. The symbol _had_ popped up in a lot of places. Harry pulled the book back towards him to stare down at the symbol. Yes, there was _something_ about it alright. Hopefully it wouldn't take them long to figure out what it was.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

It had been a long night for the pair of barely any sleep at all. They read the story, spoke to Phineas Nigellus, and spent a great deal of time arguing. Hermione thought the Deathly Hallows were rubbish, but Harry thought they made perfect sense! He kept seeing it more and more in everything. His Invisibility Cloak was the one in the story! It had to be, the way Phineas scoffed and told them the vast difference between an everyday invisibility cloak and _the_ Cloak of Invisibility. Harry also discovered that Marvolo Gaunt's ring had been the Resurrection Stone and that Dumbledore must have left it to him in the Snitch! He could access it, as soon as he figured out how to open the bloody thing! Last but not least, he knew that Voldemort was after the Elder Wand.

The days that followed weren't much better. He tried his best to share his excitement with Severus, who thought the same as Hermione—he was getting carried away, making things fit where they actually didn't, they needed to focus on the Horcruxes instead of _fabled artifacts_. He was, for once, glad that Severus wasn't around and that Hermione usually stayed away when Harry was speaking with his lover. They would gang up on him, he was sure of it, together trying to force him to 'see sense.' Harry didn't want to talk much to either of them after a while.

He had been careless enough to mention Severus and Hermione being obsessed with the Horcrux hunt one night with the mirror.

"Obsessed?" Severus snorted, looking as irritated and impatient with Harry as ever. "The only one obsessed is the little boy running after items he read about in a _children's story_. Miss Granger, at least, sees some sense— "

"Like Mione so much, dunno why you aren't shagging _her_," Harry grumbled.

"—and has her mind on what's important," Severus said, glowering at Harry. "Stop being so childish. Professor Dumbledore left you a mission to complete. Now do you want to defeat the Dark Lord or not?"

"Of course I do!" Harry snapped. "And he's _after the Elder Wand_!"

He was close to another full out rant. It was the same thing, every day, to either Hermione or Severus and sometimes both. Voldemort was after the Elder Wand. If Voldemort managed to get said Elder Wand, they would all be very much _screwed_. Horcruxes wouldn't matter! He would be unstoppable. In fact, if Harry could just get the Elder Wand himself, they'd be in great shape! Besides, they could do both, couldn't they? Look for the Hallows _and_ the Horcruxes? Harry was only so focused on the Hallows since no one else cared for them…

"Go feed it to Miss Granger and offer her my apologies for sticking her with you," Severus snapped. "I have more important things to attend to than listen to your whining about make believe subjects! Please, refrain from contacting me unless you can spare a few minutes away from this bloody subject!"

And before Harry could snap at him or beg him to stay (he wasn't sure which he really wanted to do), Severus was gone. Harry didn't bother him again for the next few days, though he kept the mirror nearby. He glanced there now and then, noticing every day a glimpse of black eyes checking in on him before disappearing. The thought irritated him, but once that faded away, he was touched that Severus would still make sure he was alive and well, even if they were mad at each other.

On the fourth night, Hermione and Harry took more Polyjuice and went to visit Little Hangelton. It was where Riddle House was and done out of desperation. It was a bit dangerous, but Hermione was hoping to listen around town to see if anyone noticed anything strange about Riddle House before thinking of going to the area. They had just gotten through listening to _Potterwatch_ when they left and were still hissing to each other about it when they got there.

"He's abroad! He's still looking for the wand!" Harry whispered excitedly.

"Harry—" Hermione sighed.

"Come on, Hermione! Why are you so determined not to admit it? Vol—"

"HARRY, NO!" Hermione shrieked.

"—demort's after the Elder Wand!"

Harry was confused by the terror in Hermione's wide brown eyes. She was shaking now, looking around wildly. "Hermione?"

"The name's Tabboo. Harry, the name's Taboo! Remember? Oh, Merlin! The Cloak! Harry, get the Cloak over us! Quick! Oh shite!"

Harry scrambled to untangle the cloak from inside his jacket, mind racing. The name was Taboo…Had he really said it? This wasn't good.

Before they could do anything, a group of wizards appeared all around them.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Severus knew nothing of his lover's predicament that night as he left the castle. Striding across the grounds, he had other things in mind as he followed a very excited Amycus Carrow. He walked briskly, his face stern while he hoped and prayed inside that he would find everyone intact. Seeing as how the group had been left with Slytherin prefects and Alecto Carrow, Severus wasn't too sure. He could just hex the idiots to pieces! How could anyone be so ridiculously stupid?

Loud voices could be heard as they drew closer. Flashes of light in the windows. Severus frowned as he walked into the hut. There were several "Ministry officials" standing there with Alecto and all of the Slytherin prefects, as well as the Head Boy and Girl. It went against tradition to replace the seventh year prefects if they became Heads, but under his rule that had to change. There needed to be more Slytherins in charge, apparently. Severus had never been more ashamed to call Slytherin his House. Severus could barely seen beyond them, though he ducked as a streak of blue light shot towards him.

It seemed most of the authorities were trying to get control of Hagrid to arrest him. The prefects were dealing with the students gathered there. They were apparently hosting a Support Harry Potter Party. Severus eyed the decorations in disgust. Posters of his lover, balloons and a cake in his shape, Gryffindor colors and decorations, confetti, and anything at all related to Harry, Dumbledore, Gryffindor, the Order, and the D.A.

There needed to be more _Slytherins_ supporting the cause, Severus couldn't help but think. Slytherins were too smart to be so blatant with their rebellion. Really? A Support Harry Potter party? Did they really need a _party_? Severus wanted to yell at the buffoons, but he couldn't say half of the things he wanted to say without it looking bad. Severus cleared his throat and walked around to his students.

"This is not a duel. Put away your wands," Severus snapped, eying the prefects meaningfully. Them, too. Scowling, they obeyed. "Back to the castle!"

"We're not going anywhere with you!" spat Ginevra Weasley.

"You will," Severus snapped. "Now! You wouldn't want to make things worse for the oaf, would you?" He nodded to Hagrid.

"Hagrid is not an oaf!" Ginevra snapped.

"Tsk tsk. I know they say bravery is a Gryffindor trait, but that's not quite an accurate description, is it? It's not bravery, it's foolhardiness. You obviously care nothing for your _life_ if you carry on in such a manner!"

"Don't threaten her," Longbottom said darkly.

Threat? It was more of a warning, but it was probably better if it was taken that way. Severus glanced to the other Slytherins who were snickering and then back at Amycus and Alecto. Alecto was cackling at Hagrid's treatment, but Amycus…Amycus had his eyes on Ginevra. Severus's stomach churned as he recalled the horror young Daria Spelling had gone through. She hadn't even been the last, and if Severus's suspicions were true, not the first. Evelyn Evans, Susan Bones, Shasta Olson, Megan Jones, Euterpe Louzen, Yasmin Ventimiglia, Tansy Torro, Briar Plath, Dandelion Sebert, Stacy Hall, Romilda Vane…He remembered all of the names of all of the girls Amycus had raped or nearly raped. He did his best to keep the girls out of his grasp, but he could only do so much. Could only see and hear so much. It didn't help that Amycus was encouraging him to try the boys. Severus had been sick the moment Amycus sent Andrew Kirke to his office with suggestive comments. Every time Amycus sent those young boys like Jack Sloper, Stavros Agnos, and Sherlock Wells, Severus knew what they hoped and expected. He had nightmares about being pushed into a room with the Dark Lord and the Carrows and being expected to perform. He had nightmares of ripping off their clothes and caressing young flesh, violating their adolescent bodies, being glared at with repulsion by Harry. The accusation of his lover and the few people he respected. Albus shaking his head in disappointment.

"Detention. With _me_. Tomorrow night, Miss Weasley. And you, Mr. Longbottom," Severus said quickly. "In fact, why don't we make it a detention for you all tomorrow night. Weasley and Longbottom will serve an extra two days for their backtalk. Now return to the castle or it will be _more_. In fact, if you do not return now I will question every student in this school to see if anyone else was aware of this _gathering_ and I will punish _everyone_."

_That_ was a threat, but a necessary one. If they thought he would punish students unnecessarily, their Gryffindor tendencies would kick in. Self-sacrificing was more important than stubborn, proud bravery. At least in most cases. That seemed to shut them up very quickly.

"Castle. _Now_. _All_ of you," he growled.

Tracey Davis grinned and led the way out of the hut, Theodore Nott bringing up the rear, shooting Severus a sly grin as he left. He didn't trust the others with the prefects, but fellow students were safer than their professors.

"How did you hear about it?" Severus asked Alecto.

"Pansy and Tracey overheard something suspicious from the Vane girl," Alecto replied. "They came to investigate and let me know the moment they saw what was happening."

"It will take me a while to figure out how many point deductions and rewards to make," Severus said with a sigh. He glared at Hagrid. "You realize you're fired, don't you?"

"He's more than fired, he's being arrested," growled the familiar voice of Oedipus Odell. It looked like Yaxley was with him.

"Very good," said Severus.

"You shou' be 'shamed o' yerself, Snape!" Hagrid bellowed. "After all Dumbledore done for yeh! Them poor students. Yeh won' be here long, Snape! They'll get yer Dark Lord and ye'll be rotten in Azkaban, yeh git!"

"You are hardly in the position to be making threats, Hagrid," Severus hissed.

"Shouldn't you be babysitting, Severus?" Oedipus snapped.

"I am," Severus smirked. "Apparently law enforcement officers need more watching than teenagers."

"Go to hell," Oedipus barked.

"Focus," hissed Yaxley.

Their wands were all aimed at Hagrid, who was busy trying to dodge them. He managed to dive through some of them, landing on four of them (Oedipus included, to Severus's delight), and scrambled up to jog out of the hut. The four who were down didn't look like they'd be conscious anytime soon, and the others ran over them and out into the night after Hagrid. Alecto and Amycus happily joined them, glad to have another excuse to attack someone. Severus walked over to where Oedipus was laying and prodded him with the toe of his boot.

Many childish pranks came to mind, he could hardly help himself. It was better than the alternatives that began to seep to the front of his thoughts, such as Unforgiveable Curses. Instead he pulled one of the permanent markers made by the Weasley twins, appropriately colored to alternate between Gryffindor red and gold, and pulled up Oedipus's sleeve and wrote _SUPPORT HARRY POTTER!_ With his right hand. It would keep them from recognizing his handwriting, he hoped, as normally wrote with his left hand. It wasn't much, but it would have to do. He had to get to the castle to check on his students, and then he would have to check on Harry.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"Who have we here?" demanded the voice of Fenrir Greyback.

Harry and Hermione glanced at each other quickly. They at least were still under the Polyjuice with the Muggle hair they had gotten. But how much longer would it last? They had more phials of it in their clothes, but would they be able to take more if they needed to?

"Your names!" Greyback snapped.

"Oh…umm…Clearwater. Penelope Clearwater," Hermione lied.

"Blood status?"

"Half blood."

"You?"

"Erm…Roger Davies," Harry lied.

"Blood status?"

"Half blood."

"Right. Check the list!" Greyback snapped to the others. "So, thought you'd come sneaking around here? Using the Dark Lord's name for a laugh?"

"No, we weren't…It was just…A dare. We were playing Truth or Dare and…Well…" Hermione said, laughing nervously.

"A game, hmm?" Greyback said. "You know who used to like using the Dark Lord's name, Miss Clearwater? The Order of the Phoenix. Mean anything to you?"

"N-no…sir," Hermione said.

"Well, they don't show the Dark Lord proper respect, so the name's been Tabooed. A few Order members have been tracked that way. We'll see. Bind them up with the other two prisoners!"

"What?" Harry exclaimed. Prisoners? They couldn't seriously be taking them away? Just because they had said a name! They didn't even look like themselves. Damn it, damn it, damn it.

"You're coming with us," Greyback said.

Someone grabbed Harry by the hair and dragged him a few feet away. They pushed him down and began tying him back to back with others. He struggled as best he could, but there were too many around him. He jerked his head to the side when he heard Hermione shriek, but someone yanked his head back ahead.

"Got their names checked, Scabior?"

"Yeah. There's no Roger Davies on 'ere, Greyback."

"Interesting," Greyback said. "That's interesting."

Greyback came over to stare down at Harry. "So you aren't wanted then, Roger? Or are you on that list under a different name? What House were you in anyway?"

"R-Ravenclaw," Harry got out, trying to remember all that he could about Roger Davies.

"Hmmm," said Greyback said, still eying him carefully for a long moment. He then walked around to talk to Hermione. "What about you, Penelope?"

"Ravenclaw, as well," Hermione said clearly.

"Right, then," said Greyback, slowly stalking around the group. Harry struggled against the binds and twisted his neck around to look for Hermione. He was surprised to find another familiar face instead.

"Dean?" Harry whispered in surprise.

"Yes?" Dean Thomas said.

Right. He wouldn't recognize him. Dean gave him a look, clearly saying he knew he wasn't Roger Davies, but he wasn't going to say a word. Harry didn't bother replying and instead turned his head the other way, hoping to find Hermione then. Their captors were whispering amongst themselves.

"Mi—Penelope?" Harry whispered.

"H…Roger," Hermione said. They both twisted around enough to catch a glimpse of each other and Hermione gasped.

"Oh no," she said.

Uh oh. Hermione's face looked like it was melting. The Polyjuice was wearing off! They should have left as soon as they took the bloody potion! It was already wearing off and at the worst of times!

"Greyback! Look!"

They weren't the only ones who noticed.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**Author's Note: **Don't forget you can like me on FB for updates about the status of all of my stories! It's also a great place to talk to other fans, talk to me, and watch random snarry videos I post! Great fun lol! Thanks so much to everyone who's liked it so far! 20 people already, that's amazing!

Also a huge thanks to my wonderful reviewers: twilight1987, kip, Sirius-dorkis010, Serpent91, Sydney-Jo, Draechaeli, Anniriel, Dragon Soarer, xXxElectraxXx, Damned and lost, da-blk-saiyangirl, SaLaZaRsLyThErInSgIrL, SexciiLexi, Saintsational, and taylor!

Also a great deal of this chapter came from the last book! Chapters 20-23.

I know it's not my best, but it was the best I could do. Hope it was okay!

Chapter title lyrics from "Escape" by 30 Seconds to Mars.


	80. Bury All Your Secrets In My Skin

**WARNING:** Against what I had put in my story outline, I did add a scene in this chapter that might be disturbing. I kind of hate myself for writing it, but the moment I thought of it, it seemed like a necessary part of the story and it came to the point that I could not imagine not having it. It is another rape scene, though it's not quite the same as the first one. Feel free to skip over it if you can't handle it. I know it was hard to stomach just writing it, myself. Don't hate me too much! You know I love you guys!

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**LOST AND DAMNED**

_Bury All Your Secrets in My Skin_

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

When the Snatchers arrived to Malfoy Manor with their prisoners, both Harry and Hermione had been knocked unconscious for wild struggles to escape. While Hermione had been taken down with the other prisoners in the basement, Harry had been taken to a rather special place. He slept through the chaos of Bellatrix finding the sword, demanding where the Snatchers had found it, and her marching down to the basement to revive Hermione to demand answers. Harry even remained unconscious as he was bathed. It was only lying naked in bed, strange hands running over his skin, did he wake up. For a moment, it was easy to get lost in dreams, to imagine that those clever hands belonged to his Severus. He moaned quietly at the careful ministrations of those hands, expertly massaging his back, gasping as they squeezed his arse. His cock twitched and he rubbed it against the mattress. The glorious feel of silk against his prick was too nice to pass up and Harry continued rubbing himself against it as hands rubbed at his sides and lips moved up his spine, tongue trailing across his shoulder blades before pressing open-mouthed kisses to the back of his neck and then to the sides. Soft hair glided across his skin, a tempting scent of pomegranate and violets assaulting his nose. "Hmm," Harry hummed, arching back into the warm body behind him, mind still too sleepy and too caught up in how nice he felt to think straight.

There was a soft chuckle that made him frown. The sound alone made him doubt that his lover was with him. The voice was what really jolted him from his sleepy state. "Ah, you're awake, Mr. Potter," Lucius Malfoy's voice whispered into his ear, hot tongue trailing along the edge of it. Harry shivered, this time not sure if it was out of pleasure or fear. His heart began to race in his chest, stomach twisting up in revulsion. "I've gotten to know your body very well, you know, but I was hesitant to penetrate you until you were alert. Whatever monster you might think me, I am no rapist."

"I know better than that, Malfoy," Harry spat, quickly twisting his body out from under Lucius and scrambling off of the bed. His head immediately began to spin and he hissed then stumbled into the nearest wall, sinking to the floor. The whole world seemed to be spinning way too fast. Harry squeezed his eyes shut and curled up in himself against the pain, waiting for his senses to return to normal. "Says the man who fucks his own son!" Harry managed to hiss out spitefully.

There was a pause. "So Draco told you, did he?" Lucius asked coldly. "I had no idea you were so close."

Shite. Admitting that Draco had told him such personal information was probably not good for him. Luckily, Lucius didn't seem to linger on that thought so much as the fact that someone knew of his perversions. "I would hardly call that rape, Harry," the man said quietly. The blond approached as Harry grasped the wall, pulling himself into a sitting position. The room still tilted to the side, but he pressed his head against the wall and waited. It was a little better now. "You don't see the way my Draco moans for me…writhes into much touch. I daresay the boy enjoys it far more than he should."

"That's a lie!" Harry snapped. "You're a rapist! You make him do it!"

"Is that what he's been telling you?" Lucius asked with a grin. "I assure you, the boy practically _begs_ me to fuck him. He _loves_ his daddy's cock. And so will you, I imagine. If you can find anything appealing in someone so…unsightly…as Severus Snape, you will certainly find the experience of fucking a more desirable person eye-opening."

"Don't…" Harry began, wanting to tell the arse not to say anything like that about his Severus. Most people might find Severus to be ugly, and even Harry could admit he wasn't beautiful in any traditional sense, but Harry loved him and Harry was attracted to him. He didn't want anyone else. Especially no one like Lucius Malfoy, who raped his own son. "I won't let you touch me."

"Is that so?" Lucius asked with some amusement. "Even if I could…Offer you something in return?"

"I'm not a whore!" Harry spat, disgusted with the very idea of touching Lucius. He couldn't believe the man had already been touching him and that he had been enjoying it! His head feeling a bit better, he struggled to his feet, still clutching the wall to keep himself steady.

"I never claimed you were," Lucius said in an appeasing tone. "But there is no harm…no shame in bedding someone to save your friends."

Harry blinked. "What?"

"Did you ever stop to wonder where Miss Granger is?" Lucius asked, eyebrow raised.

Harry looked around the bedroom in confusion. Where was he, anyway? How had he gotten here? Where was Hermione? It all slowly came back to him and Harry's eyes grew wide. "Where is she?"

Lucius just grinned. "We had already been keeping prisoners before your arrival. A Miss Luna Lovegood…the wandmaker, Ollivander…and a goblin," Lucius said, slowly approaching Harry, though at the boy's glare he stopped a few feet away. "Miss Granger is currently occupied with my sister-in-law, I'm afraid. Questioning about a sword."

Harry's eyes grew wide. "Fuck."

"Indeed," Lucius said. "Now, if you were to get back into bed and…please me…Perhaps I could be persuaded to set you and your friends free."

"Like I would trust you," Harry spat.

"I'm afraid you don't have much of a choice," Lucius drawled.

"I'm not stupid! Even _if_ I let you do something, you wouldn't help me at all," Harry snapped. He had to get out of here. He had to find Hermione and the others. He quickly looked around the room for his clothes, though the search was making him feel lightheaded again. "You're a Slytherin. You manipulate people, but you're not going to use me that way!"

"It is true…You are wise not to trust me," Lucius agreed. "However…Do the lives of your friends truly not matter enough to even _try_?"

Harry froze, letting his eyes slowly turn to meet Lucius's arrogant grin. He didn't know what to say, at first. He couldn't betray Severus like that. He didn't _want_ Lucius like that. At the same time, though, how could he _not_ do something that might help his friends? Harry closed his eyes and clenched his jaw. "I'll find a way to save them myself. Where are my clothes?"

Lucius snorted. "Do you think I would tell you? That I'll just let you walk away? We're not friends, Potter. I might be willing to do you a few very gracious favors should you allow me the pleasure of _fucking_ you, but that's as far as my good nature goes."

"Fine. I don't need you," Harry assured the man. "_Accio_ wand!"

Lucius chuckled. "You've been captured by Death Eaters, Potter, who are more than willing to surrender you to the Dark Lord the moment we get the information we need. Bellatrix is torturing dear Miss Granger just downstairs…but the Dark Lord hardly cares about the Mudblood. Bellatrix could kill her at any moment and no one would bat an eyelash. What of the others, Mr. Potter. Are you willing to let them die, as well? For what? To act like some innocent virgin? To retrain some image you hope to portray to the world? I never took you for being so selfish, young Gryffindor."

Harry's eyes flashed angrily, but he quickly darted across the room to the door, grasping the handle. He would get out of here, he would save his friends, and he would _not_ let this fiend touch him. His reckless action did him little good as the knob shocked him. He hissed in pain that shot through his body, a sharp burn that came and went, leaving little aftershocks that had his limbs jerking sporadically.

"You'll have to do better than that, Potter," Lucius said, sitting on the edge of the bed, watching him with mild humor.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

As the last students left his office, Severus frowned and pulled the mirror shard from his desk. "Harry?" he asked into it quietly. He waited several long minutes before saying the name again, waiting several more before sighing heavily and pulling it away.

"Is everything well, my boy?" asked the portrait of Albus Dumbledore behind him.

Severus sighed and turned around to face his mentor. "I suppose. I only haven't heard from Harry in a while. I haven't even seen him the past several hours. I don't know if I should be worried or not."

"I am certain that he is well," Albus said, though he, too, was now frowning. "He has accepted a great task, a very dangerous one, at that. But I am confident in young Harry's survival skills. He has accomplished a great deal in his young life. He does have a knack for getting out of sticky situations."

"There's a first time for everything, Albus," Severus reminded him dryly. "That boy has survived on luck alone thus far. What makes you think that luck hasn't run out?"

"There is no reason to be so pessimistic. I am sure he is fine. We have a lot to worry about—" Albus was saying.

"The only thing I'm worried about is knowing if he's dead or alive!" Severus snapped. "Don't accuse me of pessimism, Albus, when you are the very one who told me that the man that I _love_ is going to have to _die_!"

Albus looked mournful. "Forgive me, Severus. But aren't the memories you do have worth what is to come? Don't tell me you regret your time spent with him."

"I'm sick of your games, Albus," Severus said quietly. It took a great deal of energy to stand up, grab the mirror, and walk back into his private chambers. No, he would never regret the time he had spent with Harry, just as he had never quite regretted the time he had been blessed with to have Lily. But Severus wasn't ready for him to die, was too selfish to want that. If Severus could take Harry away and forget the rest of the world, he would have gladly done so.

It had been too long since Severus had brooded over the knowledge that his young, beautiful lover was going to have to die before long. It wouldn't do well to fall back into that obsession again. Severus frowned and set the mirror aside. He had more important things to do. Harry had to be fine. Severus, meanwhile, had to check on his students and do his best to prevent as many rapes, tortures, and murders as he could.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Draco hadn't really noticed when Harry and Hermione were brought to the manor. It was nothing new for people to be coming and going. Even the screams were not an unusual thing to be heard. He wanted no part of it. While his family did what they would, Draco hid away in his room, trying to lose himself in books or music and writing letters to Hermione and Harry that he could never send just for the sake of getting some of those things off of his chest. Sometimes he was able to firecall Severus, but the man was far too busy with his duty as headmaster of Hogwarts. It had to be a tough job, running a school, playing Death Eater, and protecting the students all at the same time. He was somewhat regretting his decision to stick around here and not return to school. Draco was doing all he could to learn what he could, but there was only so much he could do and he hated it here.

Eventually Draco became a bit hungry and decided to head downstairs to look for food. He stopped as he crossed the living room, stunned to see his Hermione laying on the floor with his Aunt Bella holding a wand to her. Narcissa sat in a chair nearby looking anxious. Fenrir Greyback was there, circling the group, licking his lips as he looked down at Hermione. Several unconscious bodies lay near the door. Draco hardly paid them any mind. He just stared at Hermione, heart racing in his chest. She was dirty, covered in blood, and writhing pain as Bellatrix performed the Cruciatus Curse on her again.

Everything seemed to slow down. He was barely aware of the way his aunt was shrieking, demanding answers from Hermione that she claimed not to know. _"JUST TELL HER!" _Draco wanted to scream, but struggled to keep his mouth shut as bile rose in his throat.

"Maybe she'll speak up if you let me have a bit of…time alone with her," Fenrir said, eyes filled with hunger so intense that Draco was sure he would literally _eat_ her once he was done violating her.

Draco was going to be sick.

"I'm not through with her yet," Bellatrix growled. She then smirked down at Hermione and smoothed her hair back. "But maybe later, if she can't behave."

No, no, no, no, no! Draco's mind screamed at him, but he had no idea what to do.

"Oh, hello, Draco dear," Bellatrix said, voice sickeningly sweet. "Come to play with the Mudblood?"

"I…" was all Draco could say. Hermione turned her head towards him, dark brown eyes unfocused and filled with so much pain and fear. She didn't plead with him, though, not even with her eyes. And Draco felt so ashamed just looking at her. So ashamed of himself and his cowardice.

"I'll let you have a taste of her before the mutt does," Bellatrix assured him.

Draco's hand moved to cover his mouth, though it stopped halfway. He swallowed the bile in his throat, hands becoming clammy while he felt all of the blood drain out of his face. Fenrir sneered at him. "Doesn't look like he's got what it takes, does it?"

"Leave my son alone," Narcissa said coldly.

"The likes of _you_ hardly has the right to say anything about a Malfoy," Bellatrix snapped.

"Yes, because the Malfoys are doing so well in the Dark Lord's favor," Fenrir said sarcastically.

Bellatrix turned her wand to Fenrir who glared at her before slowly taking a few steps back.

"Come here, my darling," Narcissa beckoned as Bellatrix continued torturing Hermione. Draco couldn't move, though. Didn't want to get closer. He wanted to protect her, but he couldn't. He wanted to hide and pretend he had never seen this, but that would be wrong. Merlin, Draco loved her. He couldn't just leave her this way…

Hermione made claims of the sword being a fake and that's when Draco realized what this was all about. The Sword of Gryffindor was lying on the couch beside his mother, who was watching over it protectively. Bellatrix didn't seem to buy this at all. Narcissa looked down at the sword and then back up to Draco.

"There is always a way we can find out," Narcissa replied calmly. "Draco, fetch the goblin!"

"Yes, Mother," Draco said quietly. He found it hard to tear his eyes away from Hermione. He had no idea what to do until her eyes turned back to him. She wouldn't beg him to save her, but instead seemed to plead with him to go. He couldn't read her mind, but Draco had a good idea of what she wanted. He ran downstairs to where their prisoners were, gray eyes searching the dark corners madly before he remembered he had a wand and lit it. "Goblin? Where's the goblin?"

"He has a name, you know," Luna Lovegood said airily from one corner. She was staring up at the ceiling with mild interest, as though she saw something fascinating. Draco glanced there, but didn't notice anything.

"What is it, then?" Draco asked, struggling to remain polite.

"His name is Griphook," Luna replied. "Griphook!"

"Please, Griphook!" Draco whispered, rushing over to the goblin. "Please tell them the sword is fake. They mustn't know it's the real one! Please, please…and I'll find a way to get you out of here, I swear. Just please, please, please, don't tell them the truth."

He pleaded with the goblin as he carefully led him back upstairs.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

For some reason, attacking Lucius Malfoy had seemed the logical thing to do. The man must have had his wand somewhere! If only he could get him down long enough to search for it or summon it. He had somehow underestimated Lucius and after only managing to elbow his stomach and punch his face, Lucius had the better of him. Lucius had thrown him off and continued to do so every time Harry charged him before finally slamming the boy into the wall, enclosing his fingers around Harry's neck. He struggled to breath, grabbing at Lucius's arms desperately in hopes of prying them off. The fingers were too tight to get under them to bend them as he had hoped. Grabbing at his arms didn't seem to be doing anything. Harry tried to raise his leg to knee him between the legs, but Lucius was too close to him to allow much movement. Harry twisted his body as hard as he could despite the soreness of his muscles and the sweat dripping down his body.

After a few minutes, Lucius's grip loosened a bit as he struggled to keep a firm grip on Harry. He used this opportunity to grasp Lucius's fingers, pulling them back. Lucius quickly dropped his hands away from Harry's neck, but raised his arm to backhand him. The force was enough for Harry's glasses to fly from his face and to send him flying to the ground. Harry felt around for his glasses while scrambling back to his feet, glaring across the room at Lucius.

"You won't win here, Potter," Lucius spat. "Clearly you have little room in your heart for your _friends_ compared to yourself. Pity. I shall enjoy watching them suffer. Perhaps I should give them worse for the trouble you've given me. You're very lucky the Dark Lord wants you for himself."

"Don't!" Harry shouted as Lucius strode towards the door. The idea hit him as Lucius turned his wand to the door to open it. Kreacher and Dobby! He could call for them once the bastard left. Kreacher and Dobby, he thought over and over again.

He didn't even have to say a thing.

"Master called for Kreacher?" croaked the voice of his godfather's house elf.

"Dobby has come to rescue Harry Potter!"

Harry cringed as Lucius spun around, wand slashing out and sending both house elves into the wall. "DON'T!" Harry bellowed. Shite! He needed them, but Lucius was going to ruin it.

"Call them off, because I will not hesitate to kill them," Lucius spat.

"Lucius Malfoy will not—" Dobby began.

"_Av_—" Lucius began.

"DON'T!" Harry shouted again. "GO! GET OUT OF HERE! PLEASE!"

Lucius said nothing, but held his wand pointed at the house elves. "I can be gracious, Mr. Potter, but do not try my patience."

"Harry Potter—" Kreacher said.

"No, just go," Harry said, voice cracking. He couldn't risk them getting hurt. He was tempted to tell them to rescue the others, but one look at Lucius and Harry doubted he could get away with it. Just risking it could put not only himself at risk, but everyone in the manor. "Just…just go."

Kreacher and Dobby didn't look happy, but they nodded and disappeared. "Such a good boy," Lucius purred, slowly sauntering over to Harry. He reached out to stroke his cheek and Harry recoiled, but didn't move away. Shite. What was he supposed to do? If he called Kreacher and Dobby while Lucius was still in the room, it would just end in disaster. He could hope that they made it in time to rescue everyone else, but what if they weren't? There was no telling how many Death Eaters were in the house. There was also no telling if Lucius would keep his word.

But…

But if he gave in, then maybe Lucius would leave after. Then he could get time alone with Kreacher and Dobby to get their help.

Maybe.

There were no guarantees. Harry was almost certain that Lucius would go back on his word. But he couldn't not try. Even if things went badly, he would hate himself even more if he didn't at least attempt to save his friends. He didn't want to betray Severus. Didn't want to betray _himself_ this way. But there were things in this world more important than sex and fidelity. The lives of the people he cared about, the lives of innocents…He couldn't just abandon them because he was squeamish and didn't want to sleep with Lucius.

Surely there was another way?

"You know what I want, Harry. And if you give me what I want, I could be inclined to do you a few favors," Lucius said temptingly. "No one has to die. No one even has to get hurt. You _are_ the only one the Dark Lord wants. What would it matter if the others just so happened to go free so long as he gets you? You might even be able to escape, as well. So long as I play my cards right, this should all go smoothly. But you simply must cooperate, Harry. It's been so long since I last had someone other than my wife…and my son. I might even be tempted to leave Draco be for a while, should you satisfy my…_needs_. I do remember how delicious you tasted that day…Remember? You were only fifteen then…you still reek of purity. Of goodness." He ran his nose through Harry's messy black locks and inhaled deeply. "Intoxicating."

Lucius was promising too much.

He'd never do it.

Just considering it made Harry hate himself. And not considering it made him feel ashamed. There was no easy option here. He bit the inside of his mouth until he tasted blood, tears burning his green eyes as his conflicted emotions warred inside of him. "F…_Fine_," he growled out angrily.

Lucius smirked and raised an eyebrow. "Fine? Dear, dear, Harry…I'm afraid I'll need more convincing than that. After all, I don't want to feel as though I'm…taking advantage of you."

"But you _are_," Harry snarled.

Coldness filled those silver gray eyes and Lucius frowned. "Very well. If—"

Swallowing back his sickness, Harry reached out in a panic to grab Lucius's face. He hesitated for a moment, then squeezed his eyes shut and kissed him. Lucius wasted no time in wrapping his arms around him and pulling him closer. He was going to be sick. He choked and pulled away, gasping for air as he clutched Lucius's arms. Lucius chuckled and began kissing his neck, running those hands over his body once more. It didn't feel so nice this time. Not now that he knew whose hands they were.

"Don't worry, Harry. I'll make it good for you…I'll even go as far as to say I believe you're getting the better end of the deal here," Lucius murmured, licking his ear. "But I don't mind."

Just think of Severus, he encouraged himself. Imagine you're with him.

It was impossible.

It was too different. He didn't smell like Severus. Didn't touch him like Severus. Didn't taste like Severus. Didn't sound like Severus.

He would much rather rip out his own innards than have Lucius touch him anymore.

Harry thought of Hermione. It wasn't hard to do. He could hear her screams from here now. She needed him. He had to save her. But what if they ran out of time? What if Lucius just fucked him until everyone was dead anyway? That thought almost made him pull away. Fighting was wasting more time than giving in. He had already done all he could. He had tried bargaining, tried fighting, tried forcing his way out, and even tried house elves.

Maybe if he called them now…

No. He couldn't risk it.

Lucius guided him down to his knees and Harry let him. He wanted to scream that he wanted to get this over with, but hopefully he could get this going faster. Bracing himself, Harry reached out to take Lucius's cock, trying to think of anything else but the fact that he was stroking and sucking it. It was a bit harder when Lucius grabbed his head and forced himself all the way down Harry's throat, causing him to cough and choke and punch at his legs until Lucius let up and pulled himself out. Harry fell to the floor, couching and spitting the taste of the man's precum from his mouth. His stomach twisted furiously and he cringed at the pain.

"Sorry. I get a bit carried away…You cannot believe how absolutely glorious you looked, my little slut…with my cock sliding in and out of that delicious mouth of yours," Lucius purred. "Here. Let me make it up to you."

Harry didn't want him to. He let himself be flipped back over, throwing his arm across his face as Lucius lowered his mouth to his flaccid prick. No amount of prodding or licking got him very interested, though the half hard state he did manage made him hate himself even more. He willed his cock to go down. He didn't want to enjoy this. This was disgusting! The worst thing he had ever done. Just let it be over soon.

Lucius didn't bother there long. Fear gripped him as Lucius brought him to the bed, arranging him onto his hands and knees. Harry took in deep breaths, counting in his head in the desperation to have something else to focus on as Lucius prepared him gently, one finger at a time, stretching him…He thought of numbers, of the alphabet, what random spells did in Transfiguration and Charms. Maybe he could try to think of where to look for more Horcruxes…

His fists clenched around the bedspread as he felt the blunt head of Lucius's cock press against his entrance. His entire body tensed as he panicked. No. No, no, no, no, no he couldn't do this. Couldn't, wouldn't, didn't want this. Lucius stroked his hips and thighs with obscene gentleness. "Shhh…Relax. You'll enjoy this."

Harry bit his lip, willing his body to relax. It was only going to hurt more if he didn't. It felt more like a betrayal to let it be easy. To enjoy it. Harry cried out in pain as the strange cock breached him, slowly pressing into him while Lucius murmured words of encouragement, kissing his back softly. Why was he being so nice? Why was he doing this?

The whole thing was the single worst experience of Harry's life. He tried his hardest to focus on anything else but what was happening to him. True to his word, Lucius was easy with him. Those hands roamed all over his body, stroked his cock to full hardness, pressed against his prostate, kissed and licked him until he came. He collapsed against the mattress when he did, clinging to the sheets for dear life while he bit his tongue to keep from screaming out in agony that wasn't quite physical. Now that his pleasure was gone, he was all the more aware of Lucius, of the feel of his cock pressing in and out of him, of the man's panting, of his groaning, of every little thing he did. He lasted for several minutes after Harry who wanted to scream at him to hurry it up.

When biting his tongue didn't seem to hurt enough anymore, he bit his lip, moving his arms across his chest to dig his nails into the opposite arms. Tears stung his eyes, but he blinked them back and willed them to stay where they were. "Such a good little whore…so beautiful…good slut…oooh so _tight_…yes…Merlin," Lucius groaned. Finally, after what seemed like ages, Lucius stiffened and came deep inside of him with a drawn out moan.

His stomach could hardly control itself when Lucius's soft cock slid out of him and he felt the man's essence sliding out of his arse and down his thighs. He pushed himself up weakly onto his arms and barley moved at all before he was losing the contents of his stomach. Lucius wrinkled his nose and flicked his wand so that the mess disappeared once Harry seemed to be done and laid breathing deeply on the bed.

"I'm afraid I can't let you have your wand," Lucius said, redressing himself. "I can't even let you go, as the Dark Lord would surely have my head for such a thing. But feel free to rescue your friends by any other mean you see fit."

He smirked and walked out of the room, leaving the door wide open.

Harry trembled. His heart felt as though it had shattered while the rest of his body seemed to be ripping itself to shreds. Tears began to slide down his face as he pushed himself out of bed, stumbling back into a wall.

He hated himself.

He hated Lucius. He hated Voldemort. He hated everything. But most of all, he hated himself.

As he sank to the floor, digging his hands into his hair, he screamed as loud as he could.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

"What was that?" Draco asked, turning towards the staircase as his father entered. Bellatrix was still questioning Hermione and Griphook about the sword. Thank Merlin, the damned goblin was lying, per request.

"Mr. Potter was not very pleased with his punishment," Lucius remarked, rolling his eyes.

Draco froze much as he did when he realized Hermione was here.

"What did you do to him?" Narcissa asked.

"Oh…No worse than I do with Draco," Lucius replied, winking at his son.

No one else seemed to notice.

"Really? Goodness, I hate to imagine how pampered he was at home if _that_ has him wailing," Narcissa sighed, shaking her head. "No offense, my darling, but we were always so easy on you."

"Very gentle," Lucius murmured quietly.

Draco swayed on his feet. He was going to be sick.

"DOBBY! KREACHER!"

"Dobby?" Narcissa repeated, sitting up straight and looking around in alarm. There was a loud sound pounding down the staircase, then two familiar loud pops.

"Kreacher, go find the others and take them back home. _Now_!" Harry Potter commanded as he stormed into the room. His glasses were askew and his clothes were wrinkled and looked as though he had yanked them on as fast as he could. His trousers weren't even zipped, though they were buttoned, and his jumper was inside out.

"My wand," Harry growled.

"I think not, Mr. Potter," Lucius scoffed. "Did you really think—"

"_Expelliarmus_!" Draco shouted before he had time to think about it. Both his father's wand and Harry's wand flew into his hand and he tossed Harry his wand. Lucius turned to glare at his son. "Draco," he hissed while Harry aimed his wand at him. "_Stupefy_!"

"Time to call the Dark Lord!" Bellatrix hissed, pressing her finger to her Dark Mark. "He won't be pleased with _you_, Draco. But we will be rewarded."

"Lucius! Draco, what have you done?" wailed Narcissa.

"Leaving, Mother!" Draco said. Greyback grinned and reached out for Hermione.

"DON'T YOU DARE!" shouted Draco and Harry at once. "_Stupefy_!" they both shouted at once. Greyback flew across the room. At the same time, Bellatrix raised her own wand to Draco. "_Crucio_!" she screamed and as he cried out in excruciating pain, she turned her wand to Harry.

"YOU WILL NOT HARM HARRY POTTER!"

"LEAVE HER ALONE!"

"DRACO, HOW COULD YOU?"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"THE DARK LORD WILL BE HERE SOON! YOU WILL MEET YOUR END BEFORE LONG!"

"TAKE THAT! AND THAT!"

"GREYBACK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"DON'T TOUCH HER!"

The next several minutes were a blur of loud screams and bright flashes of light. Lucius Malfoy recovered enough to join in again, though Narcissa was quickly taken out by Harry and lay unconscious on the floor. Lucius used his wife's wand to disarm Harry, but Dobby grabbed it and returned it to its owner. Hermione could barley move and Fenrir tried several times to take off with her. Harry found his concentration harder to continue as he heard Voldemort's voice in his head, scenes flashing in front of his eyes as Voldemort killed someone else and realized he was being called. He was on his way.

"DOBBY GET THE SWORD!"

"GET AWAY FROM IT, YOU BEAST!"

"LEAVE MY SON ALONE! BELLA NO!"

"HE'S NO SON OF OURS, NARCISSA!"

"HE'S MY BABY!"

"THEY'RE GETTING AWAY! SOMEONE GRAB HIM!"

"DOBBY! GET US OUT OF HERE!"

Harry grabbed hold of Hermione and reached out to grab Draco's arm, then motioned for Draco to take Griphook. Draco didn't look very pleased about this, but reached out to hold the goblin anyway as Dobby took hold of them. Three wands were aimed at them, three voices ringing out different curses, while Bellatrix used her free hand to throw a dagger their way as Dobby Disapparated with them.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**Author's Note:** So I sort of hate how this chapter turned out -_- The Lucius/Harry scene was important for me to have, but making it work as well as everything else was sort of…I just don't like it. Blegh. Despite my dislike of doing the scene, I had hoped the chapter would come out better than I think it did…Then again, even without the Lucius/Harry scene, I'm not sure what else I could have done with it. I'm not a big "action" person, so you'll have to forgive me. Chapters like these will be sort of hard for me to get through, despite how necessary such things are.

Thanks to my reviewers: SexciiLexi, Saintasational, taylor, xXxElectraxXx, da-blk-saiyangirl, Sydney-Jo, lirio de amor, Serpent91, Anniriel, , Anju, Kashel, Tokugawa Blitzer, monkeygirl66, DawnCloud221, Draechaeli, anime-fan-ftw, Mia Tun, Novaletta, Hirvena, an aaliona!

Chapter title lyrics from "Snuff" by Slipknot…I'm pretty sure it's one of the best songs ever. Just saying.

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